Don't look at me. Don't just stand there looking at me like that…with that look in your eyes…
"Sanzo-"
"I told you to get out!" God…just…just leave me the fuck alone…please…just leave me alone…
My fingers are numb, I can't feel them, but I know they're close, so close. A millimeter and the trigger will give. My hand is shaking, shaking, and he sees it. He sees the muzzle against my temple, he sees me shake, he sees my tears and I hate him for it. Don't look at me like that, damn you. He sees how weak I am.
Suddenly, there are warm arms around me. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" He's hugging me. He's holding me like no one has since my master. He's holding me, holding me like I never wanted but always longed for. I've spent years building this wall around me and you're tearing it down, bastard.
He's prying the gun from my fingers and I let him. I couldn't. I'm too weak. I'm too weak.
"You're strong, Sanzo." He says, and it's muffled in my robe. What? "You're too strong. We're not, we need you here to be our strength."
My fingers find his warm flesh and I realize I can feel. I can feel his warm flesh, feel his body shudder, feel his hot breath on my neck. I can feel the tears trailing down my cheeks. How could you…How can you do this to me? I don't want to feel.
"Everything's okay, Sanzo," His arms are still around me. "You're strong."
I'm…strong? Is that it? Is that how I've managed to live when I wanted to die?
"I'll steal your pain away," he's saying. "It wouldn't be right if you were gone. I wouldn't feel right."
Holding me, he's holding me still. I never knew you needed me. Why would you need me? Because I'm strong?
He's crying now, too, silent tears dampening my robe. "I'll hold you, Sanzo. Because it wouldn't be right if you were gone. I'll hold you and steal your pain."
And he's holding me like a lifeline, when he's the one who has saved me. I'm broken, and it wouldn't be right if he were gone. You saved me, Gojyo. The gun falls from his fingers and he falls onto me.
"I just wanted you to know…" he says, and there's laughter in his weak voice. "I'm broken, too."