Gentle Memento

Chapter 2

To Reminisce

Content, yes this feeling is definitely contentment. A gentle wind like a mothers soft caress, taking away such silly fears one might have had about things lurking in the dark. The dew ridden grass a true comfort that kings had sought to find for so long. Only to never realize it was right underneath their feet.

A sarcastic smile found its way across his relaxed features as he thought about how foolish everything really was. Did sitting back and enjoying ones thoughts seem so outlandish? He might have been looked at as someone of vast laziness but at least he knew how to truly be. Yes he was content for once, if not totally with where his life was going, but to be his self.

His narrow eyes watched the clouds as if they were the only things to matter. They were a source of unimaginable comfort if only one could truly look at them like he did. Watching them slowly roll across the sky weaving patterns to intrigue the mind into forgetting. "It's like drinking alcohol except not having to put up with the hangover." He said this once to try to make his team understand why he was always out here. They failed to understand and ridiculed him for being a lazy good-for-nothing.

But why should he care what they thought? They were just nuisances for the most part. Always trying to get him to do better then he wanted, trying to make him complete goals he never wanted to set. And look where it had led him.

Glancing down at his flak jacket he scowled.

Oh yes, being a Chuunin was great! With all the extra missions, extra training, and extra lectures. So much fun it was enough to drive Shikamaru nearly insane. This was not what he wanted. He hated to be singled out, hated to be different. And he had just reasons to be, look at how being singled out made him!

He had never been more tired mentally or physically…ever! And what was it all for? Why had he tried so hard to win some stupid match for some stupid goal he didn't want? A serious frown snaked its way to the surface before he could stop it. There had been a reason for him to push forward…

Ino…

Women, oh how he hated them so much. Such troublesome creatures they were. How they could push their way into you and control you so subtly. Just how deep Ino had securely placed herself in Shikamaru was unnerving. He hated the feelings he had for her. Hated it because she never answered his feelings, and yet some how dug herself deeper into him. Hated it because of the other feelings it drove up.

His face scrunched up at the remembrance of it, the tight knots in his stomach, the selfish rage that built up, the temporary loss of logic; all coming from the utterance of one name.

He found the thought of hating someone who did nothing to him completely futile. And yet every time she uttered his name he had to force himself to remain neutral. Hell could she not see how much it tore him up on the inside every time she would say that one name like she did!

No, of course not. Ino was selfish, had always been selfish when they were kids. Heavens forbid she actually grow up. He had tried so hard to go out of his way to impress her, but even then it wasn't enough to dethrone the ruler of her dreams. And it was when he came to this conclusion that he decided he didn't care anymore.

So much pain, oh god did he feel so much pain when he finally forced Ino out of his body. He had wanted to cry, his eyes had showed as much, but he couldn't…not in the middle of the Finals.

He remembered the startled look on Temari as he approached her. She could see it in his eyes; he couldn't hide it as much as he tried. Confusion was all she managed to show through the haze of emotions running rampant in her head. He had closed his eyes to try and regroup himself, but only managed to turn his saddened eyes into a frown of disappointment.

"That's it…I give up." Yes those were the words he used to end it all. And then came the surprise of Temari's reaction. She wasn't relieved, but her eyes shone with anger. He didn't dwell on it long before he gave his excuse for giving up.

"The continuous use of the Shadow Copy No Jutsu has used up all of my Chakra. I can barely bind you for ten more seconds." He had scoffed at himself mentally. Yes, he had enough Chakra to finish her in various different ways, but he saw no point. All he wanted to do was leave, go home, and hopefully have things return to normal.

But to maintain some of his pride as a man he decided to rub it in her face how far ahead he actually was, "I had though up about two-hundred more moves but…it looks like I'm out of time."

He released his Shadow Copy from her and was happy at the look of disgust upon her face. She had been shaken as the thought that someone as worthless as he was able to read her as well as any children's book. Her emotions were masked effectively but she was trying to hide something from a true champion of secrecy. Sometimes he could even fool himself into believing the emotion he portrayed. Many times he had to look into the mirror to determine what emotions he was really feeling.

At the end of their brief stare down he feigned his fatigue with a simple gesture. He rubbed his shoulder in an attempt to look like he was alleviating some tense muscle pain while declaring "Man…I'm tired." It had been so 'Shikamaru-ish' as Ino would put it, that no one truly questioned his forfeit.

Gazing at the clouds he felt himself grow calm once more. Remembering that whole ordeal always made him upset. Hell that day in general reminded him of what a pile of crap his life was forced into. It also reminded him very clearly of the pain. Not from his battle with Temari, but from the loss of part of his heart.

Reminded him clearly of his 'attempt' at suicide…

They were being trailed by nine enemy shinobi on their way to help Sasuke. Konoha had just erupted into chaos as the Sound and Sand-nin attacked during the Gaara and Sasuke match. Everyone within the stadium was put to sleep through some Gen-jitsu, and so he too feigned to be asleep rather than bother getting beat thoroughly by far superior shinobi.

And yet he was forced to quit faking and come along on an obvious suicide mission. Three Genins facing a monster should be more then enough to classify it as suicide. And yet, to make it all worse, they were being followed by two groups of enemy shinobi.

Remembering the whole speech as to why he should be the one to stall them brought a smirk to his face. Yes logically speaking he was the best one to keep them busy, but it had gone deeper than that. He was afraid…truly afraid of Gaara for one thing. Not wishing to see that freakish murderer, he chose the lesser of the two evils in his mind.

Still…he felt the pain thrive within him. God why did it have to feel so horrible? Had she really meant all that much to him?

Yes…

And in the end where did all his efforts leave him? Second…he would always be second compared to Sasuke. And he just couldn't live with that.

He used what inner strength he had left to put on a happy face for them before he left. The grin he had made him feel sick from how fake it truly was. Facing away from them he began to leap to his doom. His only thought being that of how good it would feel to finally be rid of this terrible hurt and to be one with the clouds.

Using some simple tricks he successfully managed to drag them off the trail of the others, and soon had them trapped within his Shadow Copy No Jutsu. He knew he hadn't trapped the ninth one, but had hoped he had enough stamina to trap him and prolong his eminent death for just a little bit longer.

When it failed and he felt himself rapidly losing what was left of his chakra; he could only look toward the sky and reflect upon what he hoped his life to be. He jested about how he was supposed to be a so-so shinobi with an ok salary. How he was supposed to marry a girl who was neither a beauty nor a hag, but secretly hoping Ino would once prove him wrong. He would have a daughter first and then a son, or so he had planned. And when his daughter had married and his son was independent he was going to retire. He tried to smile at this happy image, but he couldn't. Mental and physical fatigue finally hit him hard and all he could manage was a tired smirk. After he retired he would play shinobi all day and live a relaxed life, and finally he would die of old age before his wife.

This was what he hoped for; this was his absolute dream. And now it would only remain a dream. He scoffed as he realized he had been trying his best, which was completely unlike him. The last thought he had before his chakra gave out was 'I really did such a tiresome thing here…' which had reflected on more than just his current predicament.

That final conclusion made him regret his choice to stall them and to give up his life. So what if Ino would never love him like she did Sasuke. His dream pictured a woman that was neither a beauty nor a hag, and certainly Ino was a beauty. Then it all finally hit him. This was it; he was going to die right here, right now.

And it had scared him more than anything…

But if he had died there he wouldn't be able to reflect on such things now would he? Thankfully Asuma had caught up just in time to rescue him. But it didn't help; the fear of what could have happened plagued his mind. He had collapsed to the ground from what would appear as fatigue. Which would only have been half correct.

Oh god he was afraid, his life could have ended right there had not Asuma come. He began to shake violently as his highly advanced mind pictured every way they would have killed him. Asuma had approached him with such a concerned face, not unlike a father who was looking down upon their dieing son. His very last memory of that day was throwing himself into Asuma and bawling like some child who had lost everything before he finally blacked out from exhaustion.

The events of that day still haunted his dreams at night sometimes, but not nearly as much as they had. He remembered for the first week after it was all he could do to barely live let alone go to practice or do anything remotely considered normal for him. If one could stare into oblivion then he had certainly done it while being curled up in a protective ball on his bed.

Asuma had come in on various occasions to check up on him. Every time he would tell Shikamaru of how much Ino and Chouji wanted to check in on his well being. But he refused, pure and simple, and Asuma would take it with a sad nod of his head.

Finally one day the door to his room had busted open. Ino stood there with her typical angry face on, while Chouji had his arms locked around her in an obvious attempt to stop her from coming. Ino was about to go on one of her bossy rants when she had finally got a good look at him

His eyes had dark bags under them from days of absolutely no rest. The long black hair he had normally put into something akin to a ponytail now hung rigid against his shoulders. His clothes were dirty from the cold sweat that would accompany him any time he would try to sleep. On top of it all, he was trembling slightly as if afraid of their very presence.

Ino's face faltered almost immediately as she ran at top speed to rap him up in a tight hug; questions being flung at him as fast as her mouth could possibly move. She pulled back once more to look at him, hoping that what she had saw at the door was just an illusion but upon seeing the tear stains down his dirty face and the fresh tears about to spill her normal composure broke as she began to sob into his chest.

"God Shikamaru what happened to you?!" she whispered in-between sobs, "Asuma just told us that you wanted rest from your match and that you deserved it!" her hug triggered such unwanted emotions, he wanted to push her away as much as he wanted to return it. So he did the only thing his disheveled mind could do at that moment, and that was to put his head on her shoulder and show her how weak he really was.

He remembered her reaction to his tears so clearly. How she franticly rubbed his hair so soothingly, how she hugged him so tightly he couldn't breath. He wanted to grasp onto her, cling to her to show her how much he needed her but he couldn't…he just couldn't. Her warm breath had felt so good against his skin as she whispered to him how it was all going to be ok. But he knew it wouldn't. He knew things would never be the same. For Konoha, or the feelings he had for her.

His mind had made its decision, and thusly it made a final conclusion. One that hurt so much when she was so near that he wished he could take it all back. But its…his decision never wavered.

Ino would never be his…so why fight to continue to hope? So she shed tears for him now, how many had she already shed for Sasuke? When all he could hope to achieve from their current relationship was pain and jealousy then why was trying worth it?

He sat up, finally taking his eyes away from the clouds that seemed to have turned their backs on him. Where his comfort should have been only came memories of his pain. Mumbling about how stupid it all was he suddenly went completely quiet.

A footfall…

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Sorry to all you ShikaIno fans out there but I like having a really good challenge and a relationship between Shikamaru and Temari would be quite an undertaking. Plus there is hardly any of those anywhere. Now don't get me wrong, the ShikaIno coupling is great and I have read some sweet fics out there with them, this is just something I want to do.

The next chapter will go to back to Shino so I can build into his relationship with Hinabi, which is going to be quite a pain in the butt -.-