"Barbara!" Helena ran to catch Barbara as she fell, clutching her
back. As she caught her mentor, Helena's hands brushed the transponder
Barbara was wearing. It was the transponder that allowed Barbara to stand
- to walk again after the injury to her spinal cord had left her paralyzed
from the waist down. It was Barbara's hope that, once perfected, the
transponder would allow her the freedom of mobility she had once took for
granted.
But the transponder was still in its testing stage at this point. That was why Helena hated the thing. She wasn't selfish - she knew how much it meant to Barbara to be able to walk again. She wanted that for her so much. But at what expense? The pain Barbara endured while wearing the transponder was at times unbearable. And the thing was unpredictable, giving out at the worst times. And recently, Alfred had imparted a secret - one that scared Helena beyond anything she could ever imagine. If the transponder malfunctioned and sent a surge to Barbara's brain, it could kill her.
The fact that Barbara hadn't bothered to tell Helena this meant that there was a high probability rate involved. Helena cringed every time she saw Barbara practicing in the gym with the transponder on. And that had been happening more often of late.
Barbara groaned in pain as Helena helped her back into her chair.
"I really wish you would stop using that thing!" Helena said, frustration evident in her tone.
Wincing with the pain, Barbara patiently explained, "I have to keep working on it, Helena. I have to get the kinks out - the bugs."
"Even if the pain is so great you can barely move afterwards. You told me it could make you worse! Is that what you want?!"
Barbara sighed. They had argued over the transponder before, but lately, Helena had been irrationally angry with her for using it. She wished Helena could understand why she needed the transponder to work. Barbara wished Helena could understand how much she had lost when the ability to use her legs was taken away from her.
"Helena, we've discussed this. I need to practice wearing it to find out where the problems lay and fix them. It's a pain I'm willing to endure for now."
"And if it makes you worse.then what.what would have been the point?!"
"Helena!" Barbara was through arguing. "What the hell do you have against me trying to get back the life I lost?! Are you scared I might actually walk again some day? Do you hate the idea so much?!"
"No!" Helena shouted indignantly. "You know that's not the case! I would give anything to see you walking again, permanently! But this.this thing.you don't seem to care what price you might pay for using it! Do you really hate your life so much?! Is not being able to walk worth dying over?!"
Helena's words caught Barbara off guard, and she stared in shock as tears coursed down Helena's face.
"You told me that using the transponder could make you worse.you never told me it could kill you! I.I can't stand by and watch you kill yourself!" Helena turned and ran from the room.
* * *
Barbara knocked on the door of the Dark Horse Bar. The bar was closed for the night, but Barbara knew that Helena was inside - she hadn't turned off her comms and Barbara was able to track her here. When Barbara received no response, she used her spare key and entered the darkened main room.
"Helena?" Barbara spun her head in response to the movement on her left. Helena shifted position in the booth where she sat, a bottle of Jack Daniels on the table and a shot glass in her hand.
"What're you doing here?" Helena asked, never taking her eyes off the table.
Barbara steered her wheelchair toward the booth. "I was worried about you. You were so upset and you left in such a hurry."
As she moved closer, Barbara tried to get a glimpse of Helena's face - tried to gauge her emotions.
"Helena, who told you that the transponder could kill me?"
"Why does it matter who told me? You didn't - that's what matters!" Helena looked up at her mentor then and the site of her tear-strewn face, the reddened eyes, pulled at Barbara's heart strings.
"Helena, the chances of that happening are so small."
Helena turned completely to face Barbara. "The risks are still there! You could die, Barbara! I can't deal with that - I can't lose another person I love! Don't you see that?! I can't.I just can't." Her voice caught as the emotions became too much for her.
Barbara moved closer, reaching out to pull Helena into a comforting embrace.
"No!"
At first Helena resisted, but as the painful sobs wracked her body, she allowed Barbara to pull her into the embrace; resting her head on Barbara's chest as Barbara held her close. Tears clouded Barbara's own eyes as she held Helena tightly. She'd had no idea how much this had tormented Helena, how much pain it had caused her. Barbara hated to see Helena in such pain. She kissed the top of Helena's head and whispered soft soothing words of comfort.
"Shhhh. Okay, honey. Shhhh."
After a moment, she reached over with her left hand and gently cupped Helena's chin, lifting her face so that their eyes could meet.
"Helena, I promise I'll be more careful with the transponder. Okay? I promise." Barbara leaned forward and Helena closed her eyes as Barbara gently placed a kiss on Helena's forehead. When Barbara pulled back to gauge Helena's response to her promise, Helena opened her eyes. Helena's piercing blue eyes latched on to the deep emerald of Barbara's, searching for the truth in the statement. And suddenly, all of the emotion, the closeness, the look of love in Barbara's eyes - it moved Helena, touched something deep down, evoking a response that neither woman was prepared for. Helena leaned forward and gently brushed her lips against Barbara's. The touch was electric, igniting a flame inside Helena as she leaned further into the kiss, eyes closed, heart pounding in her chest.
The moment seemed to stretch on forever and when Helena pulled away slightly and opened her eyes, gone were the pools of blue, replaced by the cat-like orbs that appeared when Helena experienced extreme emotions. Her eyes once again latched on to Barbara's as she tried to gauge her mentor's reaction. Helena's heart sank as she registered the look of shock encompassing Barbara's features. She could feel her cheeks burn with embarrassment as she pulled away from Barbara.
"I'm sorry," she mumbled, as she left the booth, pushing past Barbara, and ran out of the bar, leaving Barbara to stare at the spot where Helena was once seated.
* * *
"Damn!"
Barbara slammed her fist on the desk in the Delphi Monitor station, causing lukewarm tea to slosh out of the long forgotten mug and onto the desk beside her. Barbara didn't even notice as the liquid began to make its way to the edge of the table, dripping onto the floor below.
Why didn't I say something to her - stop her?
When Helena had kissed her, it had been completely unexpected. When Barbara thought about it, she realized she really shouldn't be so surprised by the intensity of Helena's feelings toward her. Helena never did anything half-way - fighting, partying - everything done with a special intensity. So Barbara knew that it shouldn't shock her that Helena's love for her had shown through with that intensity.
She supposed what really shocked her was how the kiss had made her feel. Though totally unexpected, it had felt completely familiar. And so right that Barbara had felt herself responding to it, pulse quickening, heart hammering in her chest, as Helena's soft, full lips brushed her own. That was what accounted for the shocked expression on her face when Helena pulled away. She had been totally unprepared for the feelings that the kiss evoked, totally unaware of the intensity of her own love for Helena.
She was so shocked by the revelation that she couldn't find words when Helena pulled away. All she could do was sit there, dumfounded, a million thoughts running through her mind at once. Then, just as suddenly, Helena was gone, running from her, and all she could do was sit and stare. She wanted to shout for Helena to wait - to come back - but the words wouldn't come.
And now, Barbara had no idea where Helena had gone. The moment she had come to her senses, Barbara had returned to the Clocktower and tried to track Helena. But this time, Helena had remembered to turn off the comms and Barbara had no signal to track. Barbara racked her brain thinking of all the places she might have gone to - places she'd gone to in the past when she felt troubled.
I have to find her! I have to explain!
* * *
Helena sat on the ledge of a rooftop, high above New Gotham, leaning back against a stone gargoyle, her head resting against the left haunch of the beast. She stared up at the sky, but she didn't see the multitude of sparkling stars, didn't see the moon as it shone like a beacon overhead. All she could see was the look of shock on Barbara's face as Helena pulled back from the kiss.
The kiss itself had surprised Helena, but not the emotion behind it - that she had known about for quite some time. Helena had begun to care about her mentor in this way long ago, even before Dinah had come into the picture. It was, in fact, the main reason behind Helena's negative reaction toward Barbara's taking Dinah in. But she could never tell Barbara that - she could barely admit it to herself. And when Wade came into the picture.Helena tried desperately to be happy for Barbara. She listened as Barbara told her about him - her hopes, her fears - and she tried to be supportive.
All the while - while she was putting on a smile for Barbara, telling her that she should get out there and enjoy her new relationship - Helena was secretly scared to death. The closer Barbara and Wade became, the more depressed Helena would become. And try as she did, she sometimes failed to hide it. But what could she do? She couldn't exactly tell the woman who had taken her in, been her friend, become her mentor, that she had developed such intense feelings for her. Helena had trouble expressing those emotions - to anyone, much less someone she loved.
So, she tried to distract herself from it. She began dating Detective Jesse Reese, thinking that maybe if she could develop a meaningful relationship with him, she could relegate these feelings for Barbara to a harmless crush. But try as she might, the relationship seemed stilted somehow. She didn't know how to change that - didn't think that it could be changed. She liked Reese, but the feelings - the intense emotions - they just weren't there.
What's wrong with me? she thought. Why can't I do ANYTHING like everyone else? Bad enough to have these powers...
She used to wish she could be a normal girl - just lose the powers and live like everyone else, but she soon found that normalcy was over-rated. She learned to accept the differences there - to embrace them even. But this.
It would be easier to deal with had Barbara not looked so shocked. Always before, it had been Barbara who tried to make her feel as if she wasn't so different from everyone else. Barbara's disability allowed her to understand what it felt like to be set apart from others. But this time, Barbara hadn't even tried to be understanding or sympathetic. This time, all that had registered on Barbara's face was shock. And before the look of shock became a vocal dismissal, Helena had turned and ran. She could handle rejection from anyone else.anyone but Barbara Gordon.
She banged her head back against the stone, welcoming the pain it brought.much less painful than the look of shock she saw every time she closed her eyes.
* * *
Dinah tip-toed past the wheelchair, careful not to wake Barbara as she made her way toward the elevator. Barbara had fallen asleep in front of the Delphi Monitor again and Dinah knew that it had something to do with Huntress. She'd heard the tail end of an argument between them yesterday afternoon and knew better than to interfere.
The argument over the transponder had been something that she tried to stay clear from. She saw both sides of the argument. On one hand, she saw the limitless possibilities the transponder afforded if Barbara were to ever perfect the invention. But, on the other hand, she saw the dangers Barbara faced by making herself the human guinea pig - testing the device on herself. She refused to take sides and so she had steered clear of both of them yesterday.
And, judging from the way Helena had left yesterday and Barbara's position in front of the Delphi today, Dinah could only assume that things had escalated to such a point that Helena had gone off somewhere and had turned off her comms to prevent being found. Dinah did not want to be in the Clocktower when Helena returned. She'd already witnessed the clashes between Barbara and Helena over turning off the comm set. Dinah made a mental note to see if she could sleep over Gabby's tonight.
* * *
Barbara awoke to the hum of the elevator as Dinah left for school. Straightening up and wincing at the stiffness in her neck and shoulders, Barbara made a mental note to try not to fall asleep in front of the Delphi again - a promise she continually made herself and habitually broke. She rubbed her eyes and glanced at the clock. As the fog of sleep lifted, she remembered just what had caused her to fall asleep in front of the monitors.
Helena.
She hadn't been able to locate Helena all night. Barbara activated the GPS locator on Helena's comms, but came up empty once again. She sighed and dialed the number to Helena's apartment, knowing that even if Helena were in the apartment, she wouldn't answer the phone. After the third ring, the answering machine picked up. Frowning, Barbara left yet another message.
"Helena?.It's me.If you're there, please pick up the phone.We have to talk.Helena?" With no answer forthcoming, Barbara hung up the phone and headed into the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea, actually glad for the first time that Alfred was on vacation. She wouldn't have wanted to explain the previous night's events to him - wouldn't know how.
As she made her way toward the kitchen, something caused Barbara to stop dead in her tracks. A feeling - something she couldn't even begin to describe - made her turn around to find Helena staring at her through the clock-face of the tower. The forlorn look on Helena's features tore at Barbara's heart-strings. Then, realizing that Barbara knew she was watching her, Helena turned to leave.
"Wait!!! Helena!" Barbara steered the chair toward the balcony, cursing the slowness of the thing. "Helena, don't leave! Please!"
As Barbara reached the entrance to the balcony, Helena turned to face her slowly, as if it took every ounce of her strength to face her mentor. And once she was facing Barbara, she found she couldn't look her in the eye. She struggled for the words that would set everything right between them again - words that would erase the events of the previous night - as Barbara approached.
"Barbara, I.last night.I'm sorry. It won't happen again. But I would understand if you don't want me to come around anymore.considering."
She couldn't finish the statement. It hurt her too much. Helena turned to leave, but Barbara's hand snagged her wrist, gripping it tightly.
"No. Don't go. Please."
The tug on Helena's wrist was insistent; the touch electric, and Helena felt compelled to stay, if only to prolong the feeling. Slowly, she turned to face Barbara, dreading what she might have to say.
"Come inside with me, Helena. Please, we have to talk."
Barbara eyes pleaded with Helena, and she felt all reluctance wash away as she gazed into those emerald jewels. The fear was there.fear of being rejected by the one person she'd ever truly had any feelings for. But there was something in those eyes.something that soothed the fear. It had always been that way.
There are some people in life you would do just about anything for. People who have done so much for you, that you don't mind doing anything in return for them. Whatever Barbara has to say to me now.however much it might hurt. she will always be that person.
With a barely perceptible nod of ascent, Helena allowed herself to be led into the Clocktower. Barbara kept hold of her wrist, for fear that Helena might bolt if she let go. As she steered them toward the couch, Barbara wondered if she would have the courage to say all of the things she wanted to say. Opening herself up to people was never easy for her, but this was Helena, and there were things she needed to tell her.needed her to understand.
Helena sat on the couch and faced her mentor, her face a mix of fear and dread as she looked into Barbara's eyes and waited for the words that would crush her heart. But Barbara said nothing - just kept looking down at her hands in her lap.as if the words would somehow appear there. Frustration tore at Helena as she waited for the words of rejection she was certain she'd hear. Finally, she could wait no longer.
"Barbara, you don't have to say it. I know. What happened.I was wrong.I shouldn't have."
Barbara leaned forward and lay the index finger of her right hand lightly against Helena's lips, effectively silencing the apology. A shiver ran down Helena's spine at the touch. She was surprised to look into Barbara's eyes and find that they were shimmering - brimming with unshed tears.
"Helena.don't.You.you weren't wrong." The tears began to fall unbidden as Barbara struggled to find the words to explain all that she was feeling. She grew frustrated as the words seemed to jumble in her mind, rendering her surprisingly speechless. Desperate for Helena to understand how she felt, Barbara decided that actions speak louder than words. Gently cupping Helena's chin in her right hand, Barbara leaned forward in her chair and brushed her lips against Helena's.
It was Helena's turn to be shocked. At first, she had thought Barbara would want her to leave. But when Barbara had made it clear that wasn't her intention, Helena figured she would just factually explain why things between them could never progress past mentor and protégé. She had never expected to see such emotion in Barbara's eyes; to hear Barbara tell her that she hadn't been wrong that night. And now, to feel Barbara's soft lips brush against her own - it was more than Helena could ever dream for. She could feel her eyes begin to change and her pulse begin to quicken as she leaned into the kiss.
When Barbara finally pulled away, Helena scanned her features searching for regret.for the doubt that she was certain she'd find there. But Barbara's features were flushed, her eyes sparkling gems of emerald. She found no trace of the shock and surprise evident on the night that Helena had kissed her. Her heart leaped as she realized that the woman she loved with all her heart was not pushing her away, but pulling her closer - returning that love.
Barbara gazed at Helena, knowing full well the initial bout with fear she would experience when Barbara pulled away. She smiled, seeking to wash away all fear and doubt - to show Helena just what that kiss had meant to her. The words that she had searched for, the feelings she longed to share with Helena, finally came to her and she wasted no time imparting those words to her.
"Helena, the other night - I'm the one who should be apologizing. You weren't wrong, honey. It wasn't the kiss that shocked me.left me speechless. It wasn't what you had done. It was me - my emotions. I hadn't known the depth of my feelings for you.not until that moment. And at that moment, the realization was so.surprising to me, that I.I didn't know what to say. Because I didn't fully understand it - didn't fully comprehend just how much you meant to me.
"This is a new concept for me, Helena. I'm not used to sharing my emotions with someone else.especially not emotions on this level. And so when I felt myself responding to the kiss - to the love you showed me.when I realized what that meant - how much I wanted it to mean.It blew me away, Helena. And it killed me to see that look on your face - to see the pain there - and not be able to say anything."
Barbara took Helena's hands in her own.
"Helena, I looked for you all night, hating myself for hurting you the way I did. Please, forgive me."
This has to be a dream. It can't be real - it's just too good to be true!
Helena squeezed Barbara's hands and smiled. "You're asking me for forgiveness? Are you for real? Please tell me I'm not dreaming.and if I am - just let me sleep, okay?" Helena laughed and Barbara couldn't help but laugh as well. Then Helena's face turned serious as she prepared to confess her soul to the woman she loved.
"Barbara, I expected you to tell me to take a hike. Or at least give me some logical explanation as to why we could never be. That night, when I kissed you.I never expected that to happen. Never thought it would happen in a million years. So many things were going through my head. I kept thinking of how hard it would be to lose you - it would kill me, Barbara. Do you know that? You really have no idea how much you mean to me, do you?
"Barbara, you've been the only person to stand by me through everything. You showed me love when no one else wanted to.when no one else gave a shit. You believed in me when no one else cared. You inspire me to be better.to do more.to be a better person. You make me want to care.you taught me how to love when I never thought I could love anyone ever again. I see you and I smile, no matter how bad my day has been. I hear your voice, and it comforts me to know that you're always beside me, even when I can't see you.
"I love you, Barbara. And the thought of losing you." Helena shook her head. "All of the emotions.the feelings you inspire in me.they came to the surface in that moment in the bar.they took over. I looked into your eyes and all I could think of was how much I loved you.how much I wanted to show you what you meant to me. And when I pulled away.saw your reaction."
Helena couldn't voice the words - they were too painful. She looked down, a single tear escaping the corner of one azure eye and cascading down her left cheek. Barbara reached up and brushed away the tear, then placed the palm of her hand against Helena's cheek. Helena closed her eyes, glorifying in the touch, leaning her head against Barbara's palm and sighing softly.
"Helena, I'm so sorry." Barbara's voice was barely a whisper.
But the transponder was still in its testing stage at this point. That was why Helena hated the thing. She wasn't selfish - she knew how much it meant to Barbara to be able to walk again. She wanted that for her so much. But at what expense? The pain Barbara endured while wearing the transponder was at times unbearable. And the thing was unpredictable, giving out at the worst times. And recently, Alfred had imparted a secret - one that scared Helena beyond anything she could ever imagine. If the transponder malfunctioned and sent a surge to Barbara's brain, it could kill her.
The fact that Barbara hadn't bothered to tell Helena this meant that there was a high probability rate involved. Helena cringed every time she saw Barbara practicing in the gym with the transponder on. And that had been happening more often of late.
Barbara groaned in pain as Helena helped her back into her chair.
"I really wish you would stop using that thing!" Helena said, frustration evident in her tone.
Wincing with the pain, Barbara patiently explained, "I have to keep working on it, Helena. I have to get the kinks out - the bugs."
"Even if the pain is so great you can barely move afterwards. You told me it could make you worse! Is that what you want?!"
Barbara sighed. They had argued over the transponder before, but lately, Helena had been irrationally angry with her for using it. She wished Helena could understand why she needed the transponder to work. Barbara wished Helena could understand how much she had lost when the ability to use her legs was taken away from her.
"Helena, we've discussed this. I need to practice wearing it to find out where the problems lay and fix them. It's a pain I'm willing to endure for now."
"And if it makes you worse.then what.what would have been the point?!"
"Helena!" Barbara was through arguing. "What the hell do you have against me trying to get back the life I lost?! Are you scared I might actually walk again some day? Do you hate the idea so much?!"
"No!" Helena shouted indignantly. "You know that's not the case! I would give anything to see you walking again, permanently! But this.this thing.you don't seem to care what price you might pay for using it! Do you really hate your life so much?! Is not being able to walk worth dying over?!"
Helena's words caught Barbara off guard, and she stared in shock as tears coursed down Helena's face.
"You told me that using the transponder could make you worse.you never told me it could kill you! I.I can't stand by and watch you kill yourself!" Helena turned and ran from the room.
* * *
Barbara knocked on the door of the Dark Horse Bar. The bar was closed for the night, but Barbara knew that Helena was inside - she hadn't turned off her comms and Barbara was able to track her here. When Barbara received no response, she used her spare key and entered the darkened main room.
"Helena?" Barbara spun her head in response to the movement on her left. Helena shifted position in the booth where she sat, a bottle of Jack Daniels on the table and a shot glass in her hand.
"What're you doing here?" Helena asked, never taking her eyes off the table.
Barbara steered her wheelchair toward the booth. "I was worried about you. You were so upset and you left in such a hurry."
As she moved closer, Barbara tried to get a glimpse of Helena's face - tried to gauge her emotions.
"Helena, who told you that the transponder could kill me?"
"Why does it matter who told me? You didn't - that's what matters!" Helena looked up at her mentor then and the site of her tear-strewn face, the reddened eyes, pulled at Barbara's heart strings.
"Helena, the chances of that happening are so small."
Helena turned completely to face Barbara. "The risks are still there! You could die, Barbara! I can't deal with that - I can't lose another person I love! Don't you see that?! I can't.I just can't." Her voice caught as the emotions became too much for her.
Barbara moved closer, reaching out to pull Helena into a comforting embrace.
"No!"
At first Helena resisted, but as the painful sobs wracked her body, she allowed Barbara to pull her into the embrace; resting her head on Barbara's chest as Barbara held her close. Tears clouded Barbara's own eyes as she held Helena tightly. She'd had no idea how much this had tormented Helena, how much pain it had caused her. Barbara hated to see Helena in such pain. She kissed the top of Helena's head and whispered soft soothing words of comfort.
"Shhhh. Okay, honey. Shhhh."
After a moment, she reached over with her left hand and gently cupped Helena's chin, lifting her face so that their eyes could meet.
"Helena, I promise I'll be more careful with the transponder. Okay? I promise." Barbara leaned forward and Helena closed her eyes as Barbara gently placed a kiss on Helena's forehead. When Barbara pulled back to gauge Helena's response to her promise, Helena opened her eyes. Helena's piercing blue eyes latched on to the deep emerald of Barbara's, searching for the truth in the statement. And suddenly, all of the emotion, the closeness, the look of love in Barbara's eyes - it moved Helena, touched something deep down, evoking a response that neither woman was prepared for. Helena leaned forward and gently brushed her lips against Barbara's. The touch was electric, igniting a flame inside Helena as she leaned further into the kiss, eyes closed, heart pounding in her chest.
The moment seemed to stretch on forever and when Helena pulled away slightly and opened her eyes, gone were the pools of blue, replaced by the cat-like orbs that appeared when Helena experienced extreme emotions. Her eyes once again latched on to Barbara's as she tried to gauge her mentor's reaction. Helena's heart sank as she registered the look of shock encompassing Barbara's features. She could feel her cheeks burn with embarrassment as she pulled away from Barbara.
"I'm sorry," she mumbled, as she left the booth, pushing past Barbara, and ran out of the bar, leaving Barbara to stare at the spot where Helena was once seated.
* * *
"Damn!"
Barbara slammed her fist on the desk in the Delphi Monitor station, causing lukewarm tea to slosh out of the long forgotten mug and onto the desk beside her. Barbara didn't even notice as the liquid began to make its way to the edge of the table, dripping onto the floor below.
Why didn't I say something to her - stop her?
When Helena had kissed her, it had been completely unexpected. When Barbara thought about it, she realized she really shouldn't be so surprised by the intensity of Helena's feelings toward her. Helena never did anything half-way - fighting, partying - everything done with a special intensity. So Barbara knew that it shouldn't shock her that Helena's love for her had shown through with that intensity.
She supposed what really shocked her was how the kiss had made her feel. Though totally unexpected, it had felt completely familiar. And so right that Barbara had felt herself responding to it, pulse quickening, heart hammering in her chest, as Helena's soft, full lips brushed her own. That was what accounted for the shocked expression on her face when Helena pulled away. She had been totally unprepared for the feelings that the kiss evoked, totally unaware of the intensity of her own love for Helena.
She was so shocked by the revelation that she couldn't find words when Helena pulled away. All she could do was sit there, dumfounded, a million thoughts running through her mind at once. Then, just as suddenly, Helena was gone, running from her, and all she could do was sit and stare. She wanted to shout for Helena to wait - to come back - but the words wouldn't come.
And now, Barbara had no idea where Helena had gone. The moment she had come to her senses, Barbara had returned to the Clocktower and tried to track Helena. But this time, Helena had remembered to turn off the comms and Barbara had no signal to track. Barbara racked her brain thinking of all the places she might have gone to - places she'd gone to in the past when she felt troubled.
I have to find her! I have to explain!
* * *
Helena sat on the ledge of a rooftop, high above New Gotham, leaning back against a stone gargoyle, her head resting against the left haunch of the beast. She stared up at the sky, but she didn't see the multitude of sparkling stars, didn't see the moon as it shone like a beacon overhead. All she could see was the look of shock on Barbara's face as Helena pulled back from the kiss.
The kiss itself had surprised Helena, but not the emotion behind it - that she had known about for quite some time. Helena had begun to care about her mentor in this way long ago, even before Dinah had come into the picture. It was, in fact, the main reason behind Helena's negative reaction toward Barbara's taking Dinah in. But she could never tell Barbara that - she could barely admit it to herself. And when Wade came into the picture.Helena tried desperately to be happy for Barbara. She listened as Barbara told her about him - her hopes, her fears - and she tried to be supportive.
All the while - while she was putting on a smile for Barbara, telling her that she should get out there and enjoy her new relationship - Helena was secretly scared to death. The closer Barbara and Wade became, the more depressed Helena would become. And try as she did, she sometimes failed to hide it. But what could she do? She couldn't exactly tell the woman who had taken her in, been her friend, become her mentor, that she had developed such intense feelings for her. Helena had trouble expressing those emotions - to anyone, much less someone she loved.
So, she tried to distract herself from it. She began dating Detective Jesse Reese, thinking that maybe if she could develop a meaningful relationship with him, she could relegate these feelings for Barbara to a harmless crush. But try as she might, the relationship seemed stilted somehow. She didn't know how to change that - didn't think that it could be changed. She liked Reese, but the feelings - the intense emotions - they just weren't there.
What's wrong with me? she thought. Why can't I do ANYTHING like everyone else? Bad enough to have these powers...
She used to wish she could be a normal girl - just lose the powers and live like everyone else, but she soon found that normalcy was over-rated. She learned to accept the differences there - to embrace them even. But this.
It would be easier to deal with had Barbara not looked so shocked. Always before, it had been Barbara who tried to make her feel as if she wasn't so different from everyone else. Barbara's disability allowed her to understand what it felt like to be set apart from others. But this time, Barbara hadn't even tried to be understanding or sympathetic. This time, all that had registered on Barbara's face was shock. And before the look of shock became a vocal dismissal, Helena had turned and ran. She could handle rejection from anyone else.anyone but Barbara Gordon.
She banged her head back against the stone, welcoming the pain it brought.much less painful than the look of shock she saw every time she closed her eyes.
* * *
Dinah tip-toed past the wheelchair, careful not to wake Barbara as she made her way toward the elevator. Barbara had fallen asleep in front of the Delphi Monitor again and Dinah knew that it had something to do with Huntress. She'd heard the tail end of an argument between them yesterday afternoon and knew better than to interfere.
The argument over the transponder had been something that she tried to stay clear from. She saw both sides of the argument. On one hand, she saw the limitless possibilities the transponder afforded if Barbara were to ever perfect the invention. But, on the other hand, she saw the dangers Barbara faced by making herself the human guinea pig - testing the device on herself. She refused to take sides and so she had steered clear of both of them yesterday.
And, judging from the way Helena had left yesterday and Barbara's position in front of the Delphi today, Dinah could only assume that things had escalated to such a point that Helena had gone off somewhere and had turned off her comms to prevent being found. Dinah did not want to be in the Clocktower when Helena returned. She'd already witnessed the clashes between Barbara and Helena over turning off the comm set. Dinah made a mental note to see if she could sleep over Gabby's tonight.
* * *
Barbara awoke to the hum of the elevator as Dinah left for school. Straightening up and wincing at the stiffness in her neck and shoulders, Barbara made a mental note to try not to fall asleep in front of the Delphi again - a promise she continually made herself and habitually broke. She rubbed her eyes and glanced at the clock. As the fog of sleep lifted, she remembered just what had caused her to fall asleep in front of the monitors.
Helena.
She hadn't been able to locate Helena all night. Barbara activated the GPS locator on Helena's comms, but came up empty once again. She sighed and dialed the number to Helena's apartment, knowing that even if Helena were in the apartment, she wouldn't answer the phone. After the third ring, the answering machine picked up. Frowning, Barbara left yet another message.
"Helena?.It's me.If you're there, please pick up the phone.We have to talk.Helena?" With no answer forthcoming, Barbara hung up the phone and headed into the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea, actually glad for the first time that Alfred was on vacation. She wouldn't have wanted to explain the previous night's events to him - wouldn't know how.
As she made her way toward the kitchen, something caused Barbara to stop dead in her tracks. A feeling - something she couldn't even begin to describe - made her turn around to find Helena staring at her through the clock-face of the tower. The forlorn look on Helena's features tore at Barbara's heart-strings. Then, realizing that Barbara knew she was watching her, Helena turned to leave.
"Wait!!! Helena!" Barbara steered the chair toward the balcony, cursing the slowness of the thing. "Helena, don't leave! Please!"
As Barbara reached the entrance to the balcony, Helena turned to face her slowly, as if it took every ounce of her strength to face her mentor. And once she was facing Barbara, she found she couldn't look her in the eye. She struggled for the words that would set everything right between them again - words that would erase the events of the previous night - as Barbara approached.
"Barbara, I.last night.I'm sorry. It won't happen again. But I would understand if you don't want me to come around anymore.considering."
She couldn't finish the statement. It hurt her too much. Helena turned to leave, but Barbara's hand snagged her wrist, gripping it tightly.
"No. Don't go. Please."
The tug on Helena's wrist was insistent; the touch electric, and Helena felt compelled to stay, if only to prolong the feeling. Slowly, she turned to face Barbara, dreading what she might have to say.
"Come inside with me, Helena. Please, we have to talk."
Barbara eyes pleaded with Helena, and she felt all reluctance wash away as she gazed into those emerald jewels. The fear was there.fear of being rejected by the one person she'd ever truly had any feelings for. But there was something in those eyes.something that soothed the fear. It had always been that way.
There are some people in life you would do just about anything for. People who have done so much for you, that you don't mind doing anything in return for them. Whatever Barbara has to say to me now.however much it might hurt. she will always be that person.
With a barely perceptible nod of ascent, Helena allowed herself to be led into the Clocktower. Barbara kept hold of her wrist, for fear that Helena might bolt if she let go. As she steered them toward the couch, Barbara wondered if she would have the courage to say all of the things she wanted to say. Opening herself up to people was never easy for her, but this was Helena, and there were things she needed to tell her.needed her to understand.
Helena sat on the couch and faced her mentor, her face a mix of fear and dread as she looked into Barbara's eyes and waited for the words that would crush her heart. But Barbara said nothing - just kept looking down at her hands in her lap.as if the words would somehow appear there. Frustration tore at Helena as she waited for the words of rejection she was certain she'd hear. Finally, she could wait no longer.
"Barbara, you don't have to say it. I know. What happened.I was wrong.I shouldn't have."
Barbara leaned forward and lay the index finger of her right hand lightly against Helena's lips, effectively silencing the apology. A shiver ran down Helena's spine at the touch. She was surprised to look into Barbara's eyes and find that they were shimmering - brimming with unshed tears.
"Helena.don't.You.you weren't wrong." The tears began to fall unbidden as Barbara struggled to find the words to explain all that she was feeling. She grew frustrated as the words seemed to jumble in her mind, rendering her surprisingly speechless. Desperate for Helena to understand how she felt, Barbara decided that actions speak louder than words. Gently cupping Helena's chin in her right hand, Barbara leaned forward in her chair and brushed her lips against Helena's.
It was Helena's turn to be shocked. At first, she had thought Barbara would want her to leave. But when Barbara had made it clear that wasn't her intention, Helena figured she would just factually explain why things between them could never progress past mentor and protégé. She had never expected to see such emotion in Barbara's eyes; to hear Barbara tell her that she hadn't been wrong that night. And now, to feel Barbara's soft lips brush against her own - it was more than Helena could ever dream for. She could feel her eyes begin to change and her pulse begin to quicken as she leaned into the kiss.
When Barbara finally pulled away, Helena scanned her features searching for regret.for the doubt that she was certain she'd find there. But Barbara's features were flushed, her eyes sparkling gems of emerald. She found no trace of the shock and surprise evident on the night that Helena had kissed her. Her heart leaped as she realized that the woman she loved with all her heart was not pushing her away, but pulling her closer - returning that love.
Barbara gazed at Helena, knowing full well the initial bout with fear she would experience when Barbara pulled away. She smiled, seeking to wash away all fear and doubt - to show Helena just what that kiss had meant to her. The words that she had searched for, the feelings she longed to share with Helena, finally came to her and she wasted no time imparting those words to her.
"Helena, the other night - I'm the one who should be apologizing. You weren't wrong, honey. It wasn't the kiss that shocked me.left me speechless. It wasn't what you had done. It was me - my emotions. I hadn't known the depth of my feelings for you.not until that moment. And at that moment, the realization was so.surprising to me, that I.I didn't know what to say. Because I didn't fully understand it - didn't fully comprehend just how much you meant to me.
"This is a new concept for me, Helena. I'm not used to sharing my emotions with someone else.especially not emotions on this level. And so when I felt myself responding to the kiss - to the love you showed me.when I realized what that meant - how much I wanted it to mean.It blew me away, Helena. And it killed me to see that look on your face - to see the pain there - and not be able to say anything."
Barbara took Helena's hands in her own.
"Helena, I looked for you all night, hating myself for hurting you the way I did. Please, forgive me."
This has to be a dream. It can't be real - it's just too good to be true!
Helena squeezed Barbara's hands and smiled. "You're asking me for forgiveness? Are you for real? Please tell me I'm not dreaming.and if I am - just let me sleep, okay?" Helena laughed and Barbara couldn't help but laugh as well. Then Helena's face turned serious as she prepared to confess her soul to the woman she loved.
"Barbara, I expected you to tell me to take a hike. Or at least give me some logical explanation as to why we could never be. That night, when I kissed you.I never expected that to happen. Never thought it would happen in a million years. So many things were going through my head. I kept thinking of how hard it would be to lose you - it would kill me, Barbara. Do you know that? You really have no idea how much you mean to me, do you?
"Barbara, you've been the only person to stand by me through everything. You showed me love when no one else wanted to.when no one else gave a shit. You believed in me when no one else cared. You inspire me to be better.to do more.to be a better person. You make me want to care.you taught me how to love when I never thought I could love anyone ever again. I see you and I smile, no matter how bad my day has been. I hear your voice, and it comforts me to know that you're always beside me, even when I can't see you.
"I love you, Barbara. And the thought of losing you." Helena shook her head. "All of the emotions.the feelings you inspire in me.they came to the surface in that moment in the bar.they took over. I looked into your eyes and all I could think of was how much I loved you.how much I wanted to show you what you meant to me. And when I pulled away.saw your reaction."
Helena couldn't voice the words - they were too painful. She looked down, a single tear escaping the corner of one azure eye and cascading down her left cheek. Barbara reached up and brushed away the tear, then placed the palm of her hand against Helena's cheek. Helena closed her eyes, glorifying in the touch, leaning her head against Barbara's palm and sighing softly.
"Helena, I'm so sorry." Barbara's voice was barely a whisper.