Disclaimer: The characters here belong completely to J.K. Rowling. I merely wished to express my deep respect for them, and for the author who has touched the imaginations and hearts of readers like no other… except perhaps Professor Tolkien. –grins-

Shutting the door quietly behind him, Remus dragged himself into the closeness of their… No, his bedroom at 12 Grimmauld Place, the darkness broken only by the misty glimmer of a single candle on the bedside table. He didn't remember lighting it, or even putting it there for that matter. Then he noticed the neatly turned down sheets tantalizing him with their promise of sleep. Must have been Molly, he thought as a small, tired smile touched his lips. That woman would never stop being a mother, no matter how old you were or what family you belonged to. He sank onto the bed, saying a silent, thankful prayer that there were people in the world like her.

His hands gripped the sides of the mattress tightly as he flexed his stiff shoulders and twisted his head to each side, willing his vertebrae to realign. Finally feeling an audible pop at the base of his skull, he sighed in relief as he rubbed his neck, feeling the headache that had been plaguing him all day recede a bit. His muscles ached with weariness but somehow he could not bring himself to lie down, not in the bed that had so recently shared his warmth. But no longer. There was only a sterile crispness now; a stifling chill that threatened to envelop him.

He settled his unfocused gaze on the wooden floor in front of him as he vaguely listened to the nightly noises outside his window. The wind was restless tonight. As well it should be, he morosely thought. He couldn't fathom anyone, not even the natural world finding peace tonight. He didn't realize how long he had been sitting there until he noticed the light in the room dimming quickly, the candle having nearly burned itself out. He just stared at it, unable to bring himself to care enough to either drip the wax and save the flame or snuff it entirely, a feeling he darkly realized reached beyond his thoughts on the candle.

Giving in to the daze that only the deepest grief brings, he let his body heavily slump sideways, his hair roughly spilling against the pillow as lifeless as the rest of him felt. But even as his head struck the fluffy down, something slightly stiff beneath his cheek made the dark haze of his mind jerk from its reverie. Slipping his hand beneath the pillow his fingers grazed something textured. A book? Gripping the object a little tighter he drew it out into the failing light. He ran his fingers over the bumpy leather covering, squinting a bit to see better as he reached absently to save the dying light, jumping a little as a few stray drops of the hot wax fell on his wrist. But that one flinch was all he noticed before his complete attention was upon the book in his hands. It was wrapped in leather binding the color of burnt crimson, upon which beautifully intricate Celtic knot work had been tooled, almost over every inch of the cover. Actually, in the new light he could see that they were not just normal knots, but animals. Dragons probably, as he thought he remembered that traditionally dragon and bird forms were mostly often used in such art. But something nagged him about the shape of the animals' heads. A sad smile played across his lips as he realized something that he should have expected in the first place. The heads, which he first took to be draconic, were instead unmistakably canine. He again ran his hand along the book, but more thoughtfully and lovingly, his smile becoming a look of curiosity as his hand bumped into a metal knob, almost like a large button around which a simple leather tie was wound, holding the book shut. So it was a journal? Why had he never seen it before? He faltered for a moment, wondering whether he should open it in case it didn't belong to Sirius, as he had assumed. How did it get here? Then again, even if this was Sirius' where did it come from? His brow furrowed a bit. Perhaps he put it here tonight before we left…His stomach gave a painful jolt as the memories of the nightmarish evening flooded his mind for the thousandth time. He knew he would never forget. His eyes stung as only they can burn when a person has truly wept with their soul. He couldn't stand it, he had to know. There was a desperate need welling up inside of him to hold onto anything that might still connect him to Sirius. He tremblingly unwound the tie, the new leather creaking softly as the pressure eased, and opened the cover. An inscription written in familiar handwriting flashed in his eyes in a molten glow of gold ink.

Moony,

Beyond all time, distance, or sorrow

I will forever be yours, this life and in the next.

You inspire me to breathe.

Padfoot

Bitter relief came to his stinging eyes in the form of fresh tears, his vision swimming as his shoulders shook in silent sobs. He had never experienced such grief before, not even when his parents had passed all those years ago. But this was different. This was his best friend, his mate, the only person he had ever truly loved. He lashed out suddenly in a moment of bitter frustration, violently knocking the candle from its place on the table. Darkness plunged in to overtake the feeble light as the flame extinguished, the candlestick grating along the floor until it rolled to a stop near the door. Clutching the book to his chest he curled up on the bed and rocked helplessly as he quietly wept. Flashes of thought and memory burst through his mind; his place in the Order, the battle with the Death Eaters, the looming war, James and Lily, and Harry… Harry had looked to Sirius as the father he never had, the family that he had missed out on for his entire life. What now? He could never take Sirius' place. And what about himself? What about the plans they had made? They had come so close to finally being able to realize the happiness that had been taken from them for fifteen years. As much as he knew the people around him loved him and wished to help he knew they could never understand the depths of his loss. Not even Harry. The tears flowed unceasingly until his body was completely overwrought with exhaustion and pain, his mind echoing with one last coherent thought before losing consciousness. How can I possibly do this without you?

He had no idea what time it was when he awoke. He blinked hard several times before he was able to open his eyes to the blinding daylight. His vision had always been a bit over-sensitive. Comes with the territory, he thought as he chuckled darkly. Groaning slightly as he pushed himself up he sadly realized that his body wasn't in much better shape than it had been the night before. His muscles still cried out against him. It was even hard to swallow, not that that was really surprising. As his head drooped groggily, his eyes caught sight of the journal that lay momentarily forgotten and discarded on the bed. It was even lovelier in the daylight. The sun's rays burnished the color, as if it smoldered from within. He tenderly picked it up again, unsure at first what to do with it. He was just about to reseal it when he saw something he hadn't noticed the night before. There was a single entry after the inscription page. The date at the top of the page confirmed his suspicion that the book was relatively new as it was dated two days previous. He felt his throat constrict as he began to read.

July 17th

Light of my heart,

You found it! Hopefully I'm in the room with you as I would be sorely disappointed to have missed the expression on your face when you made your discovery. I hope you like it. I'm sure you're wondering how I got it since I've been trapped in this damned house for so long, and since I have never been the one able to refuse you anything, I will tell you now. (Especially if I am not in the room with you. Bollocks!) Actually, I had this idea for getting a journal for us that we could share but since I obviously had nothing around to suit I set Hermione on the prowl for something appropriate. At any rate, it took awhile but she came upon this book in a Muggle bookshop while visiting her parents over Christmas. I suppose any journal would have been fine, but I really wanted it to be meaningful for us both. You can't have missed the entwined dogs on the cover? I had to laugh when she first showed it to me. She's a sly bird. Amused her to no end by the grin on her face. She reminded me so much of Lily just then.

I don't know why I didn't give it to you at Christmas. I tucked it away so carefully and I was so caught up in everyone being here that I guess I just forgot. But it's better that you get it now, or at least it feels that way. Even with the scare about Arthur in December there was no questioning the love and the bond everyone felt in the house. But these days I think we could all use a reminder. And as you are first in my heart, I thought I would begin with you.

I want you to always remember that I am proud to stand by your side as your friend, your lover, and your mate. Every day I struggle to find the words to describe what you mean to me. You are love. You are ecstasy. You are every beautiful, meaningful, brilliant, fascinatingly breathtaking thing that touches me. You are my wolf's song, my dearest love. And I will honor and celebrate you and our love every day for the rest of my life and beyond. I love you, gentle one.

Sirius

P.S. I've bewitched this book so that if we're ever separated all you have to do is tap the cover with your wand and say my name. It will come to me. I'll write back as soon as I can, and hopefully you'll be back in my arms before I have a chance to miss you, though that's terribly unlikely. As well, don't worry about anything you write here being seen by prying eyes. I've also made sure that people will only be able to read the pages if we want them to. With that said, I expect at least 200 words in each of your entries detailing how sexy you think I am. -winks-

Remus let the book fall into his lap, as though his arms had lost the strength to hold it up anymore, but smiled at the lighthearted postscript. You never could be serious for too long. Probably thought it would lessen his charm somehow. Remus shook his head slightly and set the book down next to him, still feeling empty but perhaps a little less lost than he had. Perhaps a very little. No one expected any of this to be easy.

He remained where he was sitting on the bed, letting his body shake the tiredness off in the sun when he heard the door creak behind him. He knew who it would be.

"You can stop worrying Molly, I'm still alive," he said quietly as he gave her a half smile over his shoulder.

"We'll decide that after a bath and some food, Remus. We both know you need it so I don't want a fuss."

He grinned a bit lazily. "My dear woman, are you insinuating that I smell?"

She gazed at him reproachfully, but he could see the tenderness and worry in her eyes.

"Alright Molly, I know. Too soon for jokes. I'm just trying to keep from being completely overwhelmed." He dropped his head into his hands as he sat leaning over the edge of the bed. He didn't look up when he spoke, so softly that she almost missed it. "I don't know how to deal with this."

She felt rooted to the doorway, unable to speak as she watched the man before her. The scene was almost so sad it was frightening. He looked utterly defeated. There was no other way to describe it. His shoulders sagged so much that it seemed as though there were tangible weights on his back. His fingers clenched and unclenched his hair as though they had no memory of what else they were for. What skin she could see on him looked almost sickly translucent in the glare of the morning sun. So different than yesterday… She suddenly felt intensely guilty for intruding. What right did she have to witness or disturb such profound grief when all of her family had managed to come out safely? And here he's lost the one person in his life to bring him joy. She breathed deeply as she felt her eyes getting misty again, willing herself to be strong for this man who obviously needed every bit of help he could get. She suddenly felt the responsibility for taking care of him even more strongly then when she had first decided to check on him.

"I'm not sure I know how to deal with everything either Remus," she said gently as she walked into the room, picking up the fallen candlestick at her feet and placing it on the table before sitting down on the bed next to him. "But I do know that as lost as you may feel right now, all of us will do everything we can to walk this path with you." She reached up to tenderly untangle his hands from his hair, taking them in her own as he finally met her eyes. "You probably think that no one can understand what you're going through, and perhaps we can't. But that doesn't mean we won't try to if you let us. You're not alone in this, and you never will be. Even in your bleakest moments, please try to remember that."

Though his mind wanted to lash out at her for being so presumptuous about his pain, as he searched her eyes for a moment he saw only the deepest sincerity. He knew that even though right now the stubborn, angry part of him didn't want to believe her, what she spoke was true and in his heart he was desperately thankful for it. Unable to find the words, he simply smiled at her gratefully, hoping she would understand. By the smile she returned, she did.

Hugging him tightly she stood and pulled him to his feet, keeping a firm but gentle grip on his hand as she led him into the bathroom like a stray pup. "Come, love", she said fondly, back in mother-mode. "Let's get you cleaned up. We need to work on getting things as close as we can to normal before we meet the kids in a few days." She sat back and looked up at him a little sadly as the steaming water poured into the tub. "Harry is going to need all of us to be strong."

He saw in her look that she particularly meant him of the entire group and he nodded softly. "I know." In those two simple words, they heard the understanding between them. Molly's expression softened and she smiled encouragingly at him as she cut the taps and laid out some fresh towels for him.

"Will you be alright undressing on your own?"

He cocked his head with a slightly embarrassed grin. "Please, Molly, as helpless as I may seem, and perhaps may be right now, I'm not a child. Leave me some scrap of my dignity."

She knew him too well to take his chastising seriously. She patted his cheek affectionately and turned to walk out the door. "I'll be downstairs putting some lunch together." She looked back at him with the best motherly scowl she could manage.

"Don't make me come back up here and get you again."

Remus chuckled as he slowly shut the door to the bathroom, Molly continuing to glare until the last moment.

"Alright Mum, I'll be down in a bit."

On the other side of the door, Molly sighed with relief to hear the smile in his voice. She still couldn't understand how everything could come to this. Arching her back a bit to stretch she went to make up his bed again. One less thing for him to think about, she thought sadly. He had enough to deal with. It was then she saw the journal lying open. She picked it up gently, admiring the craftsmanship of the design and wound the cover shut, idly wondering where he had gotten it. Placing it carefully on the bedside table she turned down the bed before moving to the door to head downstairs. She stopped at the doorway and glanced around the room, taking in the few mementoes of Sirius' that still remained where he'd placed them around the room.

"Watch over him and Harry, Sirius," she whispered softly as she leaned against the doorframe. "They're going to need you more than ever now."

Taking another deep breath to steady herself for all the things that needed to be done, she closed the door and headed downstairs. Remus would need a good meal when he was finished.

She suddenly greatly wished Arthur were there. She really needed a hug.

It had been awhile since she left. Or at least he thought it had. Time still seemed to stand still for him. He could hear his heart echo dully in his ears as he lay completely submerged in the oversized tub. It didn't take him long to realize how much he didn't like the stifled silence of the water. Tipping his head back to get the hair out of his face he sat up out of the water and placed his hands on his knees. He had to admit the hot water did help though. Lost in thought he let his body go on autopilot as he scrubbed away the grime of the day before. If only other things washed away so easily.

Pulling the plug to let the water drain, he stood up slowly and turned on the shower, thankful that his body definitely felt a little less stiff. He simply stood in the stream of water, emptying his mind as best he could. Breathing slowly and steadily he closed his eyes and began to listen only to the sound of the water. As the world melted around him he could see the form of his body as if he was looking down from above, lying surrounded in a deep red haze. I need to relax. I need to be able to get through the day. The warm water gurgled and flowed around him, softly caressing and comforting him. He'd always felt a deep affinity to water. He could hear his heart again.

Sirius…

There was a flash of light, and the red color surrounding him deepened. No…please. I can't let this consume me, there are too many others I need to look after. He felt his chest tighten slightly as his breathing became more agitated. Put it away…I have to put some of this away. Making a conscious effort, he focused his attention back on the sound of the water, and after a few moments he felt his soul still. I need you with me love, but you must give me strength. Please Sirius, my heart… please help me through this.

In his reverie he couldn't tell if it was just a wave of warmer water flowing over him or if it was a surge of something less ordinary, but somehow he suddenly felt calmer and he watched as with every breath he took the red that surrounded him softly faded until nothing remained but a silver outline around his body. Blinking the water away, he carefully opened his eyes and rubbed the hair back from his face as he turned off the water. He leaned one arm against the wall, letting the remaining water roll off of him and down the drain. You will always be with me. All of a sudden he wasn't sure who that thought was meant to comfort.

Fighting off the urge to shiver as the air around him cooled, he grabbed one of the towels Molly had left him and dried himself off. Though a part of him still wished to be solitary and wallow in his pain, he suddenly felt the need for company. Molly's presence had definitely been comforting, and she was right, he would need people to help him get through this. No point in denying it. Picking up his wand he idly dried his hair, trying to decide what to wear. He casually threw on a pair of light slacks before walking over to Sirius' bureau and pulling out a dark purple silk shirt he always used to love to wear. Remus grinned to himself as he remembered Sirius' fondness for "touchable" clothes. He felt a little guilty for feeling the need to wear something of his, but he knew that he needed to be as close as possible to him right now. No denying that either, not that he particularly wanted to. Those that he loved and who loved him would understand. The silk slipped wonderfully over his skin as he pulled the shirt on. He even thought for a moment that he caught the scent of Sirius' cologne as the fabric brushed over him. He inhaled deeply, wanting to imprint that smell in his memory. But he didn't have to. It was already there. The sweet scent of musk, and herbs, and soap… and some other elements he never could describe but knew were uniquely his.

The sound of plates clambering together woke him from his thoughts. Better go down before she gives me that look again. Walking over to the bed table he brushed the journal fondly, making a mental note to come back after lunch and pick it up. He hadn't written in a journal for a long time but perhaps now was the time to begin again.

To begin again…Yes… what else was there to do but begin again?

He kissed his fingertips lightly and pressed them to the book cover, pausing only a moment before heading to the door.

"One day at a time," he said quietly as he felt each foot fall in front of him down the stairs.