Hiya. This is just a simple Malcolm song fic.
You gotta love the man. I mean, he's got so much back story, so much character.
Setting – Set about five years from "Zero Hour"
Spoilers – Not really. Just Malcolm back-story that I've gleaned from past episodes.
Pairings – Reed/Sato slash.
Disclaimer – I don't own these characters (unfortunately) They are just being used here for fun.
I don't own "Emotionless", by Good Charlotte. It's just a kick ass song.
I gain no profit from using these characters or this song.
Rating: PG for mild, infrequent language.
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Malcolm punched his pillow and rolled over. Hoshi murmured in her sleep, something about tickling the penguins, and was silent again. Malcolm grinned in the dark. He tried to sleep again, and failed.
And he knew why. Ever since his daughter was born three months ago, he had been thinking about his father.
His relationship with his father had been disastrous for years. When Malcolm was a small child, Stuart had been so proud of his son. But, when Malcolm had developed a personality of his own and no longer followed Stuart around hero-worshiping him, things changed. He became cold, distant.
Nothing Malcolm did was good enough. He was an embarrassment, a disgrace. Stuart Reed often took out his frustration on Malcolm. Many times, Malcolm found himself at the end of his father's fist. Stuart was often verbally abusive and belittled him constantly. Their relationship suffered a fatal blow when Malcolm joined Starfleet. They had barely spoken since. Malcolm was determined to be the exact opposite of his own father. He was going to be supportive, loving and caring. To hell with traditions and family honour. His children were going to be happy.
It was useless. Sleep was determined to elude him until his mind was at ease.
He knew what he had to do.
Malcolm slowly eased out of the bed, careful not to disturb his wife and crept out of the room. He ducked in to the adjoining bedroom to check on his daughter, something he did whenever he got up.
Dana Sato-Reed was sleeping so peacefully, her head of dark curls stark against her peachy skin. Her eyes, now closed, were stormy blue, like Malcolm's, but she had her mothers' cupid-bow lips. Malcolm smiled, and his heart squeezed. His three-month old daughter had him wrapped around her tiny finger, and that was the way he wanted it. The entire crew knew it, but he didn't care. He was besotted with his daughter, and he would walk through fire through her. He was determined to be the best father in the universe.
Which brought him back to his previous train of thought.
Fathers.
Malcolm walked into the living room of the large, family quarters, and sat down at the desk.
"Computer, begin recording."
Malcolm paused. What to say to the man he hadn't seen for over eight years?
"Hello Sir. It's Malcolm. I... I don't even know why I'm writing this. I don't even know if I'm going to send it. It's just... I've been thinking about you a lot since Dana was born. I had to do something.
Hey Dad,
I'm writing to you,
Not to tell you that I still hate you,
Just to ask you how you feel.
And how we fell apart.
How this fell apart.
I'm a father now. And that scares the shit out of me. I know I'm going to spend the next twenty years worrying over ever decision I make. Every choice. I mean, this is my daughter. She's my life already. I'd die for her in a heartbeat.
I was just wondering, did you ever feel the same way about us? Maddy and I, I mean. Did we ever hold you like that? Did you ever look at us and just feel your chest tighten with love? And if you did feel this way, how did it go so wrong?
Are you happy out there in this great wide world?
Do you think about your sons?
Do you miss your little girl?
When you lay your head down, how do you sleep at night?
Do you even wonder if we're alright?
We're alright.
We're alright.
I'm scared. I know it's not the Reed way to admit to fear, but there you go. I'm terrified I'll end up like you, cut off and distant from his children. Computer, pause."
Malcolm buried his head in his hands. This wasn't going well. He wasn't writing this just to attack his father. He was trying to exorcise his inner demons. His father had been physically absent for a lot of his and Maddy's lives, away at sea. Emotionally he was absent for even longer. Malcolm didn't know how to communicate with him. He was a stranger. Malcolm didn't know how to speak to him.
The days I spent
So cold, so hungry
Were full of hate,
I was so angry.
The scars run deep inside this tattooed body.
There's things I'll take to my grave.
But I'm Ok.
I'm Ok.
"Computer, resume recording. I'm just... confused. We've never been close, that's no secret. Hell, you didn't even come to my wedding! We haven't heard from you since Dana was born either. It's as if you refuse to admit you have a son. But you do. I'm real. I have my failings but my strengths more than outnumber them.
Father, I am a success. I am a Commander, and first officer on the fastest ship Earth has. I have a beautiful wife, a gorgeous daughter, many friends and I have respect. My abilities are respected. People look up to me! Both Hoshi and I had the pick of any assignment we wanted. Captains practically bribed us both to be on their ship. We are highly valued members of Starfleet. You can't just keep ignoring us... our achievements... my family. Any other father would be proud of what I've accomplished! But, you're not.
I missed out on so much during my childhood because I was being groomed for the navy. I had to be constantly tough. Always on alert. Ever ready for whatever test you decided to subject me to next. Why didn't you ever stop to ask me what I wanted? You knew my fear of water, and you used it against me at every opportunity. My failing. My weakness. You've called it that, and worse.
I see my fear of water as a gift. If I had joined the Navy, I would never have met Hoshi, and Dana would no exist. So you see, my weakness has brought me happiness.
My children are going to do what they want, no pressure. I will encourage them, but not push. Why couldn't you be like that? I needed you so much, your support. Instead, your children were alone. Maddy and I felt so alone when we were young, did you know that?
It's been a long hard road without you by my side,
Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried?
You broke my mothers heart,
You broke your children for life.
It's not ok, but we're alright.
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes,
But those were just a long lost memory of mine,
I spent so many years learning how to survive.
Now I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive.
But, you know, it's not even about us now any more. You are a grandfather. You should be handing out cigars to you friends celebrating your first grandchild. Instead, you choose to ignore her. You should see her Father. She's so tiny. So perfect. She has my eyes. The Reed eyes. No matter how I feel about you, she has a right to know her heritage, her family.
Christ, I'm starting to ramble. I just need you to know these things. I need to lay your ghost to rest before I can be the husband and father I mean to be, the man that my family deserve.
I know you are not proud of me. Don't blame my daughter for what you see as my mistakes. You'll only be making another mistake, a big one. You'll never know what it's like to be on the receiving end of her toothless smile, or feel the strength in her tiny hands when she grips your finger. You'll never hear her gurgle of laughter when you tickle her. You will loose more than you ever thought possible. And the sad part is, you won't even know you've lost it.
Be proud of Dana. I intend to be. She deserves it. She's not just my child either. She's half her mother, too. You've never met Hoshi. She's the strongest, most caring, bravest person I know. Our daughter will be just the same.
Reply to this if you want. It'd be... interesting to hear what you have to say.
And sometimes, I forgive,
And this time, I'll admit.
That I miss you.
Said I miss you.
There was a catch in Malcolm's voice as he signed off.
"Goodbye sir"
It's been a long hard road without you by my side,
Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried?
You broke my mothers heart,
You broke your children for life.
It's not ok, but we're alright.
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes,
But those were just a long lost memory of mine,
I spent so many years learning how to survive.
Now I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive
He was about to cut the comm. when Hoshi spoke from the doorway.
"Malcolm, what's wrong?"
"Nothing. I'm fine."
Hoshi snorted. "What is it with Reed men and stoicism? You're upset."
"I'm fine love, really. What are you doing up?"
"Do you think I don't know when you get up? Come back to bed. It gets lonely in there without you."
Malcolm laughed. "Alright. You do need your rest after all."
"Actually, I was thinking of starting on baby number two."
Malcolm laughed, turned of the comm. and followed her into the bedroom.
And sometimes, I forgive.
And this time I'll admit,
That I miss you.
Said I miss you.
Hey Dad
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So, what do ye think?
It was my first effort at a songfic and it's damn hard to write. A lot harder than I thought it would be.
R&R please.
LieutenantsLady