Harry Potter and the Fortune Cookies of Doom
Summary: Harry Potter and friends, Ron and Hermione open a fortune cookie at dinner and are thrown back in time to the years of the Marauders! What chaos will they go through? And will Voldemort EVER find his golden toilet?
Disclaimer: JK owns it all. I only own the magical Fortune Cookies and the Golden Toilet…and my computer, too. HA!
Also, I would like to respond to a certain reviewer named 'Acacia Jules'. It seems that she has characterized my story as "not funny at ALL" and "full of plot holes". You should all know that no one could make a perfect story. That's why fanfiction.net is here…so that we can be creative and let our minds run away with us. We can build up our skills and learn to write because it is what we love to do and we should be happy with the result. I will spend no more time talking of a reviewer whose opinion DID NOT bring me down.
All right, and I have some MORE news for all of you…I KNOW I shouldn't have done this, but I have created a new story about the Marauders…WHO ELSE? Yes, its called "Before It All" and it's a story of the friendship between Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs! Betrayal, sadness, tears, and heart all rolled into one…give it a try, won't you? (BUT DON'T FORGET "A Simple Mind") Ok, you've heard enough of my blabbering…ON WITH THE STORY!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE!"
Sirius Black bounded down the stairs of the common room and eagerly pressed his face up against the windowpane. To anyone who happened to be on the school grounds at this particular time and looked up at the window, Sirius' face would have been grotesquely squished up and twisted about in excitement. It was very disturbing to see.
"What's here?" Remus and James came down the stairs, each clutching their heads. You see, memory charms have some strange after effects, and mid-morning headaches happened to be one of them. Of course, The Marauders had no inkling of this, because, well, due to their memory charm, they couldn't remember. It had been four days since their memory wipe and everything had been a huge confusing blur. People had come up to them and congratulated James, asked him if he was okay and stuff like that, but he assumed it was because of his constant headaches. He heard people muttering about duels and such, but he brushed it off. He was still pretty, and that's all that mattered.
From his little spot on the window, Sirius pointed, and the three saw two large owls, each carrying the corner of a rather large package. Remus and James pushed Sirius out of the way (much to the relief of the people down below) and threw the window open, allowing the owls to swoop into the room.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione stepped into the common room. "Hey, guys!" Harry said brightly. The Marauders grinned at them. Harry was jumping for joy on the inside, as was Ron and Hermione. That was one of the perks of memory charms…arguments could be forgotten and no one had to make up for them to do so.
"What's in the box?" Hermione asked, as Sirius eagerly handed the owls a small tip for their services. Hooting softly, the two owls gently took flight and disappeared in the morning sky.
Grinning, Sirius reached into the box, amongst the padding and paper, and pulled out a small, three inch long golden object. Harry's jaw dropped.
It was a toilet. A golden toilet, if you want further detail. About three inches tall, and glowing a nice golden glow. Almost an exact replica of the toilet hidden in Harry's pocket. Sirius eyed it carefully before gently picking it up and placing it onto the floor. The others moved in cautiously.
"What a freaking rip-off!" Sirius said to Harry, who was currently immobile with shock. "I paid sixty-four galleons for a golden toilet; they made it seem life size!"
Hermione giggled. "Why on earth would you want a golden toilet?"
"Doesn't everyone?" Sirius asked. "It has been some sort of a dream of mine since I was a little tyke…bit of an obsession, really. I saw this in the store window and had it custom-made, but they couldn't just deliver it right away...its taken a while to get here. And when it finally IS here they rip me off!"
By now the young man was fuming and James patted his back. "It makes a fine decoration, mate." He said, attempting to cheer him up. "Why, it would look positively…er…GOLDEN next to your four poster!" Remus and Ron snickered at James' weak try at a joke, but quickly shut up when Sirius silenced them with a death glare.
"I should send it back." He said, picking it up and examining it over. "Should I send it back?"
"I like it." Remus said. "Don't ask me why, but it just looks kind of cool."
"Don't be stupid, Remus, look at it! Only a tad taller than my middle finger! And you expect me to—"
"I think Remus is right, it does look kind of…cute." Hermione said, squinting at it.
"I'll keep it." Sirius declared. "Thank you Hermione, you made my decision all the more easier." He reached out to take her hand.
"Ah…you're welcome?" Hermione said meekly as Sirius lowered his lips onto her hand. He kissed it for a bit longer than necessary and Ron had to cough loudly for Sirius to pull away. Hermione was blushing deeply, more out of embarrassment than the fact that Harry's godfather was coming on to her. Sirius grinned and held the toilet up to eye level.
"Come on beautiful," He said sarcastically, and walked up the stairs to his dormitories. Rolling his eyes, James gazed out the window. He seemed to be studying the Quidditch pitch, and Harry was wondering what sorts of thoughts were running through his head.
"The weather looks perfect for Quidditch, you know." He said softly, and Harry wondered if James was only talking to himself or the rest of his friends. "We should get out there and play some games of it…you know, before we need to take our afternoon classes and all."
"That sounds good." Harry said, grateful to be on a topic that he understood fully. "I played some Quidditch back in my other school."
"Really?" James asked, turning his full attention to Harry now, eyes glittering with excitement. "What position?"
"Seeker." Harry responded proudly. James jumped for joy.
"Hey Ron! D'you play Quidditch too?" He called to Ron, who was having a conversation with Remus and Hermione about their favorite Quidditch teams.
"The Chudley Cannons suck." Remus muttered to Hermione as Ron walked over to Harry and James. Hermione nodded her head in silent agreement, knowing better than to insult Ron's favorite Quidditch team when he was around.
"You're looking at a mighty spiffy Keeper here." Ron said, grinning up a storm. Harry laughed at his boldness.
"We should have a game!" James said brightly. "Sirius is the best beater on the Gryffindor Team, and I'm the top Chaser in the school…that doesn't cheat, anyway. We can have a four-person game…let' see. Sirius can be the other keeper, and I can do the seeking for our team, so you and Ron just need to decide who'll be a beater and who'll be a chaser."
Ron and Harry did some silent negotiating. James raised his eyebrows when the two boys turned to each other and stared, as if they were trying to read their minds. Finally, they nodded and turned.
"Ron agrees to be a beater. I'll be a chaser."
James looked confused at how they figured this, but thought it best to leave the issue alone.
Sirius appeared from the stairway. He walked over to the group of teens.
"Pete's asleep still." He grumbled. "Poor guy must have stayed up late last night, doing God knows what."
"Ah, leave him be." Remus said. "We're gonna have a Quidditch match. You game?"
"A Quidditch match…hmmm, am I game…"Sirius pretended to think extra hard. "Uh, YES! Come on, lets get going…I'm beater right?"
"Yep, go get our brooms from upstairs."
"Hell no, I was just up there!"
"GO!"
Grumbling, Sirius retreated back up to the boy's dorms to retrieve the broomsticks. James motioned Remus over. "You gonna referee this time?"
Remus nodded. "One of you can borrow my broom, if you like. Peter has a broomstick too, so you can use his as well."
"Thanks." Harry said, smiling. Sirius appeared at the foot of the staircase. He threw down the two brooms to James. "Oh, Padfoot?" James called as Sirius began descending down the stairs. "Could you go get Peter and Remus' brooms too?"
"Sure." He said warily. "Where are they?"
"Our dorms."
Sirius tripped and fell the rest of the way down the stairs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The weather on that Tuesday morning was the best anyone could ask for for a little game between friends. The sun shone brightly in the distance and the sky was clear and robins egg blue colored. The grass was fresh and green, thanks to some small showers that the area had experienced lately, and there was only a small breeze that barely ruffled the branches of nearby trees. The ultimate Quidditch conditions.
Each with their own broom, Sirius, Ron, Harry, and James walked to the middle of the pitch and mounted their brooms into the air. Up in the commentators' box, Hermione got comfortable, because she understood what Quidditch meant to her friends, and how long games could take to be completed. It was the best spot to oversee a game anyway, which was about all she was going to do.
Below the four boys was Remus, the referee of the match. A whistle appeared from inside his robes and he blew it three times. On the third whistle, Remus kicked the box of game balls open, and the bludgers and snitch soared off.
"Come on…" Sirius urged. "If we stay still like this we'll be a perfect bludger target!"
"Hold your horses!" Remus scolded and held the quaffle high into the air. Blowing the whistle, he threw it as hard into the air as he could because he didn't have a broom, which (considering his lycanthropy) was very far indeed. James got to the ball first, being an experienced chaser, and Harry cursed inwardly.
James was a better flyer than he expected. Every time Harry got near enough to him, he would do some sort of loop or sharp turn that made Harry's head want to fall off. Harry decided that he would continue try to block James' path to the hoops, but he would still keep a sharp eye out for the golden snitch. He wasn't a charming chaser anyway. Harry would probably end up winning the game if James didn't get too many goals. He concentrated on seeing gold.
For a split second, he thought he saw the snitch hovering around Hermione, but it may have just been the sun reflecting off of her highlighted hair, because he blinked and it was gone. James and Sirius now had thirty points. Ron was blocking the best he could, but he couldn't hold them off forever. Harry needed to intercept the quaffle.
With a rush of speed on Remus' outdated broomstick, Harry soared over to James a kicked the quaffle from his hands with his foot. Off guard, James was still flying forward by the time he realized that he wasn't carrying anything anymore, and that he was just getting ready to throw air at Ron. Harry on the other hand, was zooming towards Sirius, the quaffle tightly under his arm. He feigned right, then left, and when Sirius was still turned to the left, he shot straight for the center hoop.
He made it. It was his first real Quidditch goal.
He grinned back at Ron and dove for the quaffle again, newly found spirit bubbling up inside him. From the corner of his eye, he saw gold.
James was already hot on the trail of the golden snitch, which was currently zipping up and down over the sandy bottom of the pitch. It made a turn straight up, and James followed. Dropping the quaffle, Harry sped after them, going upward at a ninety-degree angle.
And then the snitch went down.
It bolted straight for the grass, and Harry only just had time to turn around before he saw James fly after it. James obviously had a way better broom.
Harry urged the broom to go faster as the ground and the snitch began to rush up to him at an alarming rate. James was eye level with him now, twin determination etched onto both of their faces. They both identically lashed out their hands to catch the snitch.
Ten feet from the ground, James pulled up. He wasn't about to become some kind of Quidditch splat. And in any case, the snitch would probably move before Harry got a chance to reach it. It was best to wait until it did.
Harry smiled triumphantly as James flew back into the open air, and stretched his arm out.
Five feet…
Three feet…
One foot…
His hand enclosed around gold and he pulled up immediately. His body skimmed the ground as he shot back into the air towards James. Sirius and Ron were circling their brooms around them, eyes wide with amazement.
"A Wronski Feint! Alright mate! Never thought you'd make it!" Ron yelled out, punching his fists into the air.
"A Wronski Feint." James echoed. "Even I can't do that! That sort of flying takes talent, man! How do you do it?"
"You could say my dad was a great Quidditch teacher." Harry said, smiling at him. James grinned.
"Man, that's what I'll be doing when I have kids! Gonna teach them everything I know about Quidditch and chasing…my son will be the best damn chaser anyone ever saw!"
"Who says you'll have a son?" Asked Sirius. "What if it's a daughter?"
"Trust me, mate. I'm having a son."
Harry glowed with happiness and Ron stood gaping behind him. A soft cry from below made everyone look down. Remus was trying to restrain Hermione from coming out on to the field, as the bludgers were still out and she could still get creamed with one.
Harry and Ron flew down to the bottom, eyes raised in question. Hermione ran over to Harry and pulled him off his broom forcefully, engulfing him in a bone-crushing hug. Harry hugged her back because she seemed to be dreadfully upset, but behind her shoulder, he shrugged at Ron, who looked ready to faint from laughing.
"Oh, Harry, you scared me when you did that! Do you have any idea what I was thinking up there? I thought you were going to crash…"
"It's fine, Hermione, I'm fine. I didn't crash, I knew what I was doing."
Eyes slightly wet, she glanced up at him.
"You're sure?"
"Yes." Harry answered truthfully, awkwardly rubbing the tears away from her face. He wasn't very good with crying girls.
A sharp slap to the side of his head nearly knocked him down.
"AND YOU DARED TO SCARE ME LIKE THAT? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?"
Sirius and James were laughing as quietly as they could up in the air, and Ron was past laughing, just laying on the ground, shoulders shaking. Remus had a wide smile on his face, but did not laugh.
Through all this, Harry was amazed at how much Hermione reminded him of Mrs. Weasley.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
So, there's chapter eight! I'm VERY sorry I didn't update sooner, but school and all has been consuming me, but with winter break, you can expect 'A Simple Mind' to be updated! Also, check out my new Lord of the Rings story! BY THE WAY, has anyone seen The Return of the King, yet? BEAUTIFUL! You must see it when you can. Everyone in the theater was crying at the end. I want to see it again soon. Review PLEASE!