Harry Potter and the Fortune Cookies of Doom

Summary: Harry Potter and friends, Ron and Hermione open a fortune cookie at dinner and are thrown back in time to the years of the Marauders! What chaos will they go through? And will Voldemort EVER find his golden toilet?

Disclaimer: JK owns it all. I only own the magical Fortune Cookies and the Golden Toilet…and my computer, too. HA!

GUESS WHAT? As of February 7, 2004, I am FOURTEEN years old! Yeah I bet loads of you people out there are fourteen and blowing raspberries at the screen for me making a big deal out of this fact, but still.

It's my birthday…I can start driving and go to the highschool soon and talk back to my parents for no reason because they'll blame it on teenage hormones! Life is good…

Yep, and I decided to update for you all as a birthday treat from me to you! Be glad my b-day is so nearby, otherwise it might have taken loads more time for me to update!

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Lily Evans wasn't stupid.

But she evidently wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, either.

After the memory wipe of three certain people, she had tried to put two and two together. First, Harry told her about getting cursed and scarred by a dark lord, and then James called him a relative. None of it really made sense. So she went back to Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter later on to ask what all that was about. Peter continuously denied everything that happened ("What? No, Lily, you must be sick…nothing like that EVER happened!"), while the other three kept giving her weird stares and said that they had no idea what she was talking about ("Lily, listen to Peter…maybe you ARE sick…").

So she just thought of everything as a silly misunderstanding and brushed it off.

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"Hello Massster."

"Hey, Vinci."

Harry and Ron returned to their guest dorms after their friendly Quidditch match and Hermione had retired to her own room talking about napping for a while. Ron had reached for an old Quidditch handbook that James had lent him while Harry conversed with his nearly neglected new friend.

"I'll have to take you to the headmaster soon, to straighten out some things." Harry said, watching the black form of Vinci slither up the bedpost, only to slip back down and then try again with the same result. "Is that some kind of recreational snake activity?"

"No, no, the possst is just too ssslippery…" The snake gave up and settled himself back on the edge of Harry's bed, a disgruntled sound in his voice. "Now whatsss thiss about a headmassster and thingsss?"

Harry smiled and sat on his bed. "No one knows I can speak Parseltongue here. People don't take kindly to Parseltongues, I suppose. Anyway, the headmaster will have to know the whole story for him to regain my trust, if he hasn't lost it already. I'm guessing not, but you never know…"

Vinci nodded and coiled up tightly. "You sssleep ssstrangely. I do not sssee you're friend do that." He jerked his head towards Ron. Harry arched a brow.

"What do you mean 'I sleep strangely'?"

"The other night…you were calling out to sssomeone named Cccedric. And sssomeone elssse called Sssiriusss. It woke me up."

Harry froze. He had dreamed of Cedric's lifeless eyes again, yes. Sirius was also there, and his parents…he saw the form of his mother and father embracing before a green light overtook them and they screamed…

"Yesss…you cried out sssoftly at one point."

Harry gulped. "What was I saying?"

Vinci uncoiled. "Sssomething having to do with a 'mum' and 'dad'."

Eyes shutting slowly, Harry guided his head to his pillow and heavily breathed into it. I'm still having dreams…

He hadn't dreamed of his parents in so long…

Vinci had resumed his mission of climbing the bedpost and seemed to be off in his own little world, taking no notice of Harry or Ron.

Ron! He turned to see his freckled friend staring openly at him, the handbook forgotten in his hands. "You need to do that somewhere else." Ron said, and Harry took note of his pale face. "It's really creepy." Harry grinned and murmured an apology.

"What…what did it say?" Ron asked, motioning to the snake, now wrapped for dear life around the post. "Is he…okay?"

"You didn't happen to wake up in the middle of the night these past few days, did you?" Harry asked, thinking back to Vinci's previous statement.

"…yeah." Ron said, voice low and questioning.

"Was I saying anything strange?"

"What kind of things?" Ron asked, sitting down in a chair.

"You know…about Cedric, Sirius…my mum and dad…" Ron seemed to jump slightly. He looked guilty.

"Yes." He said, head bowed. There was an awkward silence before the two decided ask Hermione to lunch in the Great Hall.

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"Hermione! This way!" Hermione stopped suddenly, and Ron lightly bumped into her from behind. Both teens blushed slightly before acknowledging the voice calling her over. It was Sirius. He patted the seat next to him suggestively, and though disgusted, Hermione sat.

"Do any of you take Muggle Studies?"

Hermione beamed, answering his question. Harry and Ron rolled their eyes. Hermione had insisted on taking Muggle Studies this year, and now she felt she could cope with a time-turner because she was now older and wiser in the mind and…erm…body. What was stupid was that Hermione herself was a muggle. She only took the class to get a wizards' point of view.

"You're taking an afternoon class with me and James, then. Have you heard what we'll be doing?"

Hermione inched closer, eager to get a heads up for the class. "We're getting married." Hermione widened her eyes. They certainly hadn't done THAT in muggle studies before. "And the females have to have a weight put on their fronts for a week in class to see what it's like to be pregnant." Her eyes got wider. "And then you and your partner get an egg, and it's your kid for another week." Hermione looked away as Sirius' face began to get closer and Ron coughed.

"'Scuse me, mate." He said and not so gently shoved Sirius over, making room next to Hermione. He sat down, and Harry sat on her other side. Hermione's face was burning a lovely pink color.

"Glad I'm not taking Muggle Studies." Harry said as he munched on a turkey sandwich. Ron nodded and reached for one, tuning Hermione out as she scolded him about being a pureblood and needing to be prepared for the muggle world if he ever had to know what everything did/was and so forth.

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"PST! Hermione!" A soft whisper came to Hermione's ears and she turned around, seeing Ron's face peering at her from his desk. They were in history of magic, and Professor Binns was droning on and on about the witch burnings of 1597 and what they ever did to solve human society issues. Which was basically nothing, really.

"Hermione!" Ron whispered again. "Can I see your notes?"

"Why?" Hermione whispered back, chancing a look at Binns, who was pointing to something on a old yellowing map on the blackboard.

"I didn't write them down!"

"And I bet you're really kicking yourself right about now, aren't you?" Hermione whispered enthusiastically, turning back to her own notes. She always messed with Ron this way, and by the end of classes she would give him her notes to copy, sure. She just wanted to dangle the string in front of the cat a little longer.

Harry watched their small interaction from his seat next to Ron and grinned. It was obvious that those two liked each other. The way they fought and teased, you'd think they were dating already.

There were still more pressing matters to attend to, though. Sirius' golden toilet had brought him a sensation of déjà vu, and he could not deny that there was something incredibly weird about it. He would have to ask Sirius if he could have a closer look at it later. And he was still fairly disturbed about crying out in his sleep. It had been ages since anyone had told him about him doing that. How long had it been? He didn't even know he did that anymore. Had Seamus or Dean or Neville heard and just not said anything like Ron? No…Dean, Seamus and Neville weren't the kind of people who would keep quiet about that sort of thing. Ron understood what was going on, and would know that Harry didn't feel comfortable talking about his dreams. The others…lacked tact, to be blunt. Neville was an exception. He'd grown up with his whole life being one big fat accident after the next, and a small mistake he made wasn't anything to fret over.

But Seamus and Dean certainly knew better. They wouldn't just walk up to him and tell him how he was talking about dead people in his sleep…

He inwardly laughed, thinking of a muggle movie that the Dursley's had rented over the summer. He glanced at Sirius. I see dead people. He smiled. Suddenly, his trip to happy land had ended with an abrupt sting of pain, and his hand reached up to nurture his scar.

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Red eyes glanced around the room impatiently as a pudgy servant left in search of the requested object. A black snake was loosely coiled in front of a roaring fire, and the air was thick with waiting tension. Finally, a man in black entered, his bald head gleaming in the firelight. He held a golden object in his palms, and trembled as he draped it around the neck of his rather stiff master. A white hand reached out to finger the gold chain that held a miniature hourglass on it. The red eyes gleamed with an insane sort of joy and he brushed the smooth surface with a mixture of delight and weariness.

"A brilliant invention," The heavily cloaked man –wizard –thing said. "And it is too bad that the oh so brilliant inventor himself had to die at my hand. Honestly. Filthy half-blood he was."

The servant listened quietly and paled, as if the icy voice of the speaker was too much for him.

"Wish me luck, Wormtail. If all goes as planned, I will have my full power back to me and that horrid Potter boy will be no longer existent."

"Yes, my Lord. And if I could please have the permit to speak, wouldn't it be wiser if I came along -"

"No."

"My Lord -"

"Silence, Wormtail. There will be no more talks of you accompanying me through the fabrics of time and space to retrieve my power. With that girth, you might bust a seam." The speaker said softly under his breath.

The servant nodded and backed up. "Three turns, My Lord."

The speaker nodded and turned the hourglass three times, suddenly disappearing from all corners of the present world.

The servant stood in the silence, shaking visibly, before smirking slightly and making to sit in the large red chair that his master loved to occupy.

The snake across the room suddenly uncoiled,lashed out at the man and nipped his heel, promising that he would not be so magnanimous if he tried anything like that again. The servant scowled before leaving the room.

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Yes, now you all know what Wormtail does when the master isn't around! Always knew he was a bad boy.

That might not be much, but its 2:58 a.m., my birthday, and I'm freaking tired! I thought that'd be a great place to end. How about you? Anyway, next chapter…Hermione gets married in muggle studies…and I betcha all know who to! Yes, and Voldie arrives in the seventies…what on EARTH will go down? Review and you'll find out ;D.