Hello all, and welcome to Artemis Fowl: The Unidentified Documents. Yes, Kaslinn has discovered the realm of Artemis Fowl at long last and the idea of a fanfic was just too good to pass up There is a warning to go along with this story, though. And here it is.
WARNING: This will be a mostly random fanfic. If any of you glorious readers out there have come in search of a solid, plot driven fic, then you have, sadly, come to the wrong place. The Unidentified Documents are named as such because of their nature: they can not be identified because the authoress has practically no idea where she is going with it. This may come of a shock to those of you that are seasoned readers of mine (koffMeagankoff) as I am usually fairly good at keeping a steadily paced plot going. But this fic is different. I shall write the chapters as I see fit, or in other words, when I get a particularly juicy idea, it will go into this fic regardless of where I am plot wise at the given moment.
Don't be scared, though. I do have a plot. I do know where this is going. I will have some mystery to this story and it won't be completely PWP. But this is going to be a collaboration of ALL genres! There's action, adventure, drama, angst, horror, humor, angst, fantasy, drama, more drama, and oh yes, did I mention angst? But really, did you expect anything else out of me? . Trust me, it will be good.
Basically, I will write chapters in accordance to the mini-plot it revolves around. This will help me keep track of what ideas I have done and what I haven't, since this is going to be so random. For example the first four chapters of this fic will be known as the Sickness Scheme arc. Okay?
Well then, if we're all clear, then sit back, buckle up, and enjoy!
Arc: SS (if this happens to confuse or aggravate people, just ignore it. It is mostly for my benefit)
Chapter One: Discovery and LEPrecon and Panic, oh My! (but not necessarily in that order)
When asked about the nature of leprechauns, most people conjure up the image of hairy little midgets in neon green trousers and matching suspenders who shout coined phrases such as "Top o' the morning" or "They're always after me Lucky Charms". They are also known to have pot bellies, hoard pots of gold on the other side of the rainbow and partake in similarly stereotypical things. It was all rather insulting to the true definition of a leprechaun, which was really a misnomer. The word leprechaun is the human misinterpretation of LEPrecon, or the Lower Elements Police Reconnaissance Squad. And as of today, LEP officers did not suit up in green or don knickerbockers for their uniforms. The thought of elusive leprechauns who winked slyly at children from shadowy rose bushes, although charming, was a great misconception.
Captain Holly Short of LEPrecon was a prime example of what a human most likely would not classify as a leprechaun. Firstly, she was technically an elf, the LEPrecon bit being more a title than a race classification. Secondly, though she did possess trademark red hair and flawless olive skin, she was not excessively hairy or portly. On the contrary, she was quite lithe, and if you were inquisitive about her occupation, you might suggest she was a gymnast or a professional swimmer. Lastly, she did not have an insatiable amount of gold or a rainbow at her disposal. And she most definitely never said "Top o' the morning" to anyone. Especially today.
No, today was not a day for such a greeting. Today was the day for unprintable oaths, screaming, and general panic. The reason? The Mud Men, the humans, had discovered Haven. Haven was the subterranean fairy city, the only one safe from human invasion left on the planet. Until today. Today a routine satellite scan had picked up an Irish news report on an unexplored city underground where a society of beings unknown to man was said to be living. It had been a small story, and obviously uninteresting to the general Mud Man public, but the People were instantly on alert. A city-wide lockdown was issued, forcing all civilians to their homes and all officers to the nearest depot for further instruction. There would be no being caught unawares. If they brushed this off, they could very well end up with humans at their door, hoping to dissect a few specimens for scientific purposes. It was every fairy's nightmare.
So Holly did as protocol demanded and made for the closest military building, dragging her unwilling companion along with her. The companion was a fairy of many names, including Mo Digence and Lance Digger, but around Haven, particularly the LEP headquarters, he was commonly known as Mulch Diggums, kleptomaniac dwarf with a criminal record long enough to put him behind bars for centuries to come. Not to mention the fact that he'd escaped custody nearly two dozen times, perhaps more, and that did not make Holly's superior, Commander Julius Root, at all happy. Of course, Root was very rarely happy; in fact he was in an apoplectic rage for a good portion of the day, which earned him the affectionate nickname Beetroot.
Normally Mulch's capture would lighten even one of Root's more volcanic moods, but not today. When Holly brought him before the red faced fairy, she found herself pushed back to the shadows, her spectacular catch swamped by swarms of fairies with technical readouts, battle plans, and informational stats. It was a madhouse. The whole Police Plaza was the same way. Each fairy had a different job to do, from analyzing the newscast to stockpiling goods and wares in case an evacuation was called for. Foaly, a centaur with a genius for anything technological, was a member of the former group and didn't spare her a glance or a sarcastic comment either, something Holly found amazing.
"So why don't you just let me go, Holly?" Mulch's voice said at her elbow. "In all this confusion, no one would know I'm gone."
"No one knows you're here," said Holly distractedly. It was true. No one had so much as looked their way since their arrival. She tried several times to catch Root's eye, but the commander was securely preoccupied.
Mulch rattled his handcuffs pointedly. "Exactly. Come on now, we're old friends, aren't we?"
Holly shook her head. "Forget it, Mulch. Even if I did want to let you go on the basis of us being "old friends," I couldn't do it now. Not with the threat of Mud Men descending on us at any moment. The less we expose of ourselves, the better. Now be quiet. I'm trying to get the Commander's attention."
The corner of Mulch's mouth twisted into a sly smirk. "Really? That should be simple enough." And before Holly could stop him, he cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, "Oh Julius! Julius, is this how you greet guests? What are you so busy with that you can't even greet an old friend?"
Approximately three seconds of dead silence followed this. Then:
"CONVICT!"
A short time after that, Holly found herself personally invited into Root's office, Mulch and Foaly accompanying her. Mulch would soon be occupying a cell in Howler's Peak, but Root wanted the opportunity to gloat first. However, it would have to wait until he finished grilling Foaly about the newscast. Holly wasn't quite sure why she was there, but she assumed it probably had to do with the fact that if there was work to be done topside, she was Root's primary elf. She wasn't complaining though. This way she would find out from Haven's most reliable source just how close to apocalypse the People really were.
Root wasted no time. "Well Foaly? Any news on the reporter that just told all of Ireland that a whole nation full of fairies is living underground? Tell me that none of the Mud Men are launching an investigation."
"None of the Mud Men are launching an investigation." Said Foaly promptly, but before Root could sigh heavily and allow a fraction of the purple hue to fade from his face, the centaur continued, "But there are quite a few of them out there who are very interested in this underground society. There's a group forming as we speak with goals to find us and "make peace.'" He snorted, a very horse like sound indeed. "Unlikely. We'll probably be at war with them within a week."
Root looked as if he had swallowed hot coals. "How did this happen? Who was spotted? Who told the Mud Men? How did that reporter find out?"
Foaly drummed his fingers on Root's desk, looking amused. "Those are all fine questions, Julius. But unfortunately I don't know the answer to any of them. No one was reported being sighted by humans, there have been no breeches in security, and we haven't been pinged. Whoever this guy is who discovered us must be psychic or making up a story so close to reality that we're all being scared witless."
Holly's brow knitted at this. "Do we know if the reporter is the one who found us out or if someone else informed him?"
"No solid evidence on that either," admitted Foaly, shaking his head. "We're completely in the dark here. No clues. No leads. It came out of no where."
A fungus cigar found its way to Root's mouth. He smoked regularly, but heavily when things looked bad. "We need an informant on the surface. Someone who knows Mud Men and has access to Mud Men devices."
"We don't have any contacts like that." Foaly pointed out unnecessarily. Haven didn't exactly stay hidden by having its location broadcasted to just anyone, although apparently someone had done just that.
Holly felt a knot in her stomach grow. She debated on whether to say her thoughts aloud, since they really had no purpose other than to basically say "I told you so." But Holly couldn't resist. It was too hard to keep her mouth shut, so she said with no lack of smugness, "Too bad we decided to wipe Artemis Fowl of his memories of us."
She felt both Root and Foaly glaring at her. But Mulch, formally dead silent from his position near Holly's side, shifted guiltily. Holly rounded on him. Mulch was known for being someone of an information withholder, especially in times of crisis. "What?"
Mulch looked like he had just got caught with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar. Under the murderous stares of all three LEP officials, he muttered, "Well, you see...uh...Artemis…doesrememberus."
Approximately three seconds of silence ensued after this statement while Root deciphered the dwarf's hasty confession.
Then he exploded.
"CONVICT!" The commander roared, his face turning a lovely shade of puce. Mulch jumped back, looking uncharacteristically spooked by the fairy's outburst. Then again, Root really did look ready to murder him (something that he promised often), so Holly stepped in.
"Mulch, what do you mean? How would you know if Artemis remembers us?" Her heart was beating so loudly in her chest she was sure every fairy within in the office could hear it. Could it really be true? Was Artemis truly aware of the People again? Holly had mixed feelings about that. If Mulch was indeed telling the truth for once, it meant that one of the People's most dangerous wild cards was back in the game. Artemis had a tendency to manipulate the People, particularly herself and Foaly, into doing his dirty work while he got off with something to benefit himself and no one but himself. After all, it was Artemis who had kidnapped Holly four years ago with an ingenious plan to separate the fairies from a generous amount of their gold, even though his family was one of the richest in Ireland. However, on the flip side, the Mud Boy was a genius; he'd only been twelve years of age when he had invented his scheme to get rich off a fairy's ransom fund. It was during that whole fiasco that Artemis had proved that he could escape the fairy Time Stop, something no Mud Man had ever done before, even at three times his age. Holly still didn't know how he had managed that one. Of course, no Mud Man was supposed to be able to cheat the mind wipe system either, but Artemis had once again managed to pull the veil over their eyes.
That was assuming that Mulch wasn't just pulling their legs. So, back to the conversation at hand...
Emboldened by Holly's intervention, Mulch managed an insufferable grin. "Oh, he remembers us all right. Came up with some insane idea to make sure his memories were restored to him."
"Do you know how he did it?" Foaly had a glint in his eye that was a perfect mixture of resentment and admiration. So far, there had only been two beings in this world that had cheated his equipment: Opal Koboi, a pixie formally head of Koboi industries, and one Artemis Fowl. Naturally the centaur was curious as to how his mind wipe was counteracted, mostly so he could know how to prevent it from happening again in the future.
Mulch seemed to sense Foaly's interest, so he just grinned wider, adding a hint of badly feigned innocence to his gaze. "You'll have to ask himself yourself, Foaly. Little old me just didn't understand all that technical mumbo jumbo."
Foaly didn't seem to mind. He just stroked his chin with his thumb and forefinger a couple of times and muttered something akin to "Perhaps I will."
Root banged his fist on the table, effectively diverting all attention back to him. He looked like he was torn between strangling Foaly and Mulch now, a hard choice for him indeed. "Oh no you don't, Foaly. We are not going to make contact with Fowl, not even to sort out this Mud Man breech. I don't want the People associating with that human ever again; he was too much of an unpredictability." He took a long draw on his cigar and blew out a cloud of noxious green smog. This both settled his nerves and prevented anyone from interrupting him, as the occupants of the room were too busy gagging for fresh air. Settling his smoke snuggly in the corner of his mouth, he said finally, "Besides, he wouldn't help us anyway."
Despite the tone of finality in her commander's voice, Holly argued with him. She didn't know why, exactly (she did, but wasn't willing to admit it). But she felt her point was valid. "Actually, he probably would. For the right price of course."
Root now looked unsure of who to throttle first out of the three of them. "Captain Short. Surly you aren't suggesting that we enlist the help of Fowl on this crisis? The self same Mud Boy who kidnapped you four years ago with intentions to use you to get rich quick and had no reservations about how many people got hurt along the way? The one who nearly got us all discovered with his little G Cube--"
"C Cube."
Root barreled on without acknowledging Foaly's correction. "--when he managed to get it stolen? The same Mud Boy who--"
"Actually, he'd almost be a Mud Man now," said Foaly matter-of-factly. "He's sixteen, you know."
"Foaly, so help me I will sell you to a Mud Man rancher in the United States and claim you are some weird half breed mix of human and common ass if you don't stop interrupting me--"
"No need to get snarky, Julius," said Foaly with a tone of much injury. Being called a human was a severe insult in any text.
Root sighed heavily, stifling the lit end of his cigar much to everyone's relief. He rubbed his eyes tiredly, scrubbing his whole face until the unhealthy color drained and he was his usual ruddy complected self. "I'm sorry, Foaly. I won't sell you. I will cut your budget though, so don't think you're important to me."
"Certainly not."
"And don't call me Julius."
"Of course, Commander."
Mulch took this opportunity to add his own two cents. "You know, as much as you all seem to hate Fowl, you have to admit the kid's pretty smart for a Mud Man. He could probably help figure out who this reporter is, and how he got the information. And Artemis's got plenty of money, and plenty of contact topside." His eyes glinted with a fresh idea, and Holly mentally groaned. "If you wanted to get a message to him, I'd be glad to hop on up there and--"
"In your dreams, convict. The only way you're getting out of here is in the company of half a dozen LEP and a secure transport to Howler's Peak," said Root.
Foaly, however, seemed intrigued. "Commander, if I may..."
"No. You may not."
"Mulch does have a point."
"Why bother asking me if you're just going to say it anyway?" Asked Root sourly. Then he waved the centaur on, knowing that Foaly would continue regardless.
Foaly bowed graciously. This was a sight to see since he was half horse, but somehow he managed it just to mock his commander. "As I was saying, Mulch could be on to something, as hard as that might be to believe. If Artemis does indeed know of us, he could be a great asset to our newest cataclysmic development. From past experiences, I know he would never pass up the opportunity to show off his intellect. And a bit of gold never hurt anyone, either. It would be much simpler than sending up a Recon unit in the long run."
Root actually seemed to be considering it. Holly couldn't believe her ears. She was actually going to see Artemis again, and he would remember her. This knowledge brought a strange feeling to her stomach, one she wasn't familiar with, especially not when thinking of Artemis Fowl. However, she tagged it as being nervous about fraternizing with dangerous Mud Men, and thought no more of it. Still, a sort of electric chill went up her spine when Root sighed again and announced, "All right. Holly, take the next hotshot to the surface and check up on our old friend. Tell him if he's willing to help, we're willing to pay." He waited a beat then growled, "This is assuming that he isn't behind all this in the first place."
Holly shook her head immediately. This she had no doubts about. "I don't think so, Commander. If Fowl has all his memories back, then he won't be the same treacherous little Mud Boy we met four years ago. He changed for the better."
Foaly agreed. "With the mind wipe negated, there's a slim to none chance that he remains a scheming monster."
Root nodded grudgingly. "That sounds feasible. I just hope we aren't walking right into some trap, Fowl's doing or not." Then he was all military again. "Captain Short, you have your orders. Report in when you've reached an agreement with Fowl, and don't stay any long than necessary."
Holly saluted in an attempt to look professional. "Yessir."
"Foaly, you keep monitoring those little inventions of yours. If something comes up, I'm the first to know, understand?"
"You got it, Ju--Commander."
"And you," Root pointed a finger at Mulch, a sinister smile on his face. "You will wait patiently in you temporary cell until a transport can be arranged to take you to a more...permanent home."
Mulch gulped.
Oh yeah, and if I made any mistakes--spelling, out of cannon, out of character, anything--please feel free to tell me...nicely