Disclaimer: In Josh we trust, and I own jack! But if I owned Marissa, I would sell her! Or give her away for free!

Wake up, Seth. Please, wake up. Do you think if I say it enough times in my head, it will happen? I just can't stand seeing him so still. Even when he was a baby, he would scrunch up his face and thrash around in his sleep. Sandy and I used to stand by his crib and giggle at him.

I wasn't ready to be a mother then. But when I saw the look on Sandy's face after I told him, I realized that I wanted our family more than anything. I wasn't ready for Ryan either. But I saw the way Seth was around him, and I knew he belonged with us. Before Ryan came, Seth barely stayed in the same room with us for more than five minutes. Afterwards, it was hard to remember those times. I should have known that when Ryan left, we would lose Seth again too. If I would have known, I would have told Seth that he wasn't the only one who got left behind. Sometimes I think that if I had known how much it would hurt to let Ryan go, I never would have let him stay. Angry thoughts, I know. Wasn't I allowed to be angry? All they left me with that day was a letter and an empty poolhouse.

--------I didn't know he was this angry. Angry enough to let this happen. We thought he just needed time. And we were in the middle of trying to clean up Caleb's mess. And God knows, nothing is more important than what Caleb needs. If I had the energy, I would blame this on him, and then he would blame it on me, and we could yell about it. But I'm too tired, and I don't want to upset Kirsten anymore. He's been here though, since it happened, and I have to give him credit for that. Alone, since Julie took off after she found out the money would be gone. She sold what she could, and put Marissa in that rehab center in San Diego. Which I don't blame her for, actually. Not after I found her wandering in the backyard trying to get into the poolhouse, asking for Ryan. When I tried to explain it to her, she dropped the bottle of Absolut she was holding, and collapsed into a chair. It was four in the afternoon.

I guess Seth was a better actor. All I can remember is that he was quiet most of the time. That should have been my first clue. He's quiet now, too. The only sounds in this room are the beeping and whirring of the machines and Kirsten's occasional sniffle. I hate quiet. I know Seth does too. Why do you think we both talk so much?

I think Kirsten's dozed off for a little bit. I'm going to go tell Caleb to come sit in here for a while. I can't sit still anymore. I have to find Summer and see if she reached Ryan. I have to figure out how to put the pieces of this family back together.