Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion…
This story is rated R…
Story Title: Masochistic
Author: Mosher-24
Chapter Sixteen: Conversational Explanations
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Shinji sat in the locker room, sobbing out the remainder of his soul. His heart was in pieces at the bottom of his stomach, soaking in his own bile, which was threatening to rise again.
He had already puked three times in the locker room, too depressed to care. Bitterness was biting his tongue, sucking out the poison of his life and filling it with a nothingness he couldn't seem to comprehend.
Rei's image came into his mind, once again, smiling angelically. More tears flowed from his sore eyes, as he knew he'd never see her again. For all his love he could not do anything. He could not have saved her, nor could he have helped. The realization was the deepest cut on his soul he would ever endure.
Footsteps in the outside corridor couldn't even rouse Shinji from his hell. He was sitting on a bench, covering his face. The person entered the room and sat next to him, embracing him softly.
"Shinji… you don't have to cry anymore," Misato said gently, a smile on her face. Shinji looked up at her, the pain in his now hollow eyes making her wince. She kept smiling though, which had intrigued and angered the third child.
"Why not?" he asked, still crying, his voice cold as ice. She only grinned more in response and held out a piece of paper, no bigger than the palm of Shinji's hand. He looked at it in amazement.
Ayanami, Rei: Room 241, Observation.
Patient survived explosion and is recovering.
Sustained many injuries:
Broken collarbone, broken arm, third degree
Burns on face and scalp, Torn ligaments and
Tendons, severe scars on back and chest,
Shrapnel entry wounds, fractured leg,
Concussion, and several skull fractures.
Authorization code: A45BxS
Shinji could hardly believe it, but wasn't about to question it. He stopped sobbing immediately and forgot the pain in his body from the exertion of using an Eva. With the speed of a gazelle, Shinji ran out the door and down the hall. She was in the upper infirmary of NERV, on the fifth level.
The elevator wasn't far away and only took Shinji a few seconds to get there in his sprint. With a jump, he landed in the empty elevator and ascended to the fifth level, waiting impatiently for the door to open.
When it finally opened, Shinji ran into the infirmary. The reception room was small, sterile tiles and steel walls with little decor. The nurse at the front desk looked on wide-eyed as Shinji ran passed her, into the halls and to the two hundreds.
Room 241 was coming up and Shinji's heart was pounding faster and faster, thudding in his ears louder every time. His legs were working overtime now, sweat pouring down his brow.
When the room finally came up, Shinji tried to turn, but his velocity made him slip and slide on the tile floor and smack his face onto it. Rei had turned around to look at the cause of the commotion and saw Shinji Ikari enter the room a minute later, limping with a bloody nose.
"Rei?" he asked, hardly able to believe his eyes.
The room was dull and empty. There was a bed, newly made. Hospital food was on a trey to the bed's right; an IV was hanging idly in the corner of the room. There was a window letting the last rays of daylight. On a nightstand to Rei's left was a bottle of Bromide to help her sleep.
She looked to have a halo around her, the light from the window playing tricks on him. It faded quickly however with the last rays of sun.
He then got his first good look at her. She had a cast on her left arm and bandages wrapped around her stomach and head, just like the first time he had ever seen her. The thing he noticed most, though, was the coldness of her eyes; the hollow, empty stare she used to have.
"Who're you?" Shinji asked her, seeing Rei but not recognizing her.
"I am Rei Ayanami, pilot of Evangelion Unit-00," Rei replied in her preprogrammed response. Her voice was cold and distant, just like the first time he had spoken with her.
"You're not Rei," Shinji replied. He would know his Rei anywhere, and this was not her. She cocked her head and stared at him, confused by his statement.
"If you're not Rei… then you don't remember… us, do you?" Shinji asked, feeling the tears come back in full, spilling silently down his face.
"Us? I do not know what you speak of, Ikari," Rei replied, now utterly confused by his emotions. He was sobbing now, falling to the floor and sprawling out on it.
"No… No!" he screamed through his tears. He began to slam his fists into the floor until they were bloody, his fingers broken. Pain didn't stop him though; he only continued to slam his hands down.
Misato soon entered with a NERV agent and they both succeeded in carrying the third child out, now crying like a baby. He was screaming for Rei, but the first child did not know what to do.
For a single moment, she felt something warm in the pit of her stomach as she looked at him, but she immediately squelched it, not knowing what it was. Her emotion control was powerful, even more so this time.
Shinji sat in his room, looking into the mirror. His eyes were red from crying, his throat sore. A razor was clutched in his hand, so tightly that blood dripped down his arm from his hands, which were aching from broken fingers. He didn't care, however, and stood up.
With harsh, long slashes, he spread the blood from his arm against the mirror, spattering the deep red fluid against the glass. It blossomed into a beautiful design and dripped down the surface, tracing lines of agony down to the floor. The blood was clashing with the smooth surface of the mirror, creating a painful picture of his loss.
Shinji stopped on the fourth slice, his arm throbbing and bleeding onto the white-carpeted floor. This pain was not enjoyable, but was more justified than anything. He should have done something more to save his love.
The deep cuts etched forever scars into his pale flesh, a reminder of that day that would live forever in his mind.
"Shinji?" Misato called in a small voice from the hall. Before he could tell her to leave, she had entered his room and looked at the scene. She broke into tears at the sight of Shinji, his clothes wet with tears, a razor in his hand and blood dripping down the mirror and his arm.
"Shinji, what did you do it for?" Misato sobbed, falling to her knees. She felt like a failed agent, failed fake-mother, and failed lover. Everything was going out of her grip, her lover, her charge; she wouldn't have been surprised if her job went next.
"I did it because I should have been able to save Rei… now Rei's gone," Shinji said, going over next to Misato and putting his non-bloody arm around her, dropping the razor to the floor.
"But s-she's alive!" Misato managed through sobs. Shinji just pulled her close and wiped her tears away.
"The Rei I saw was not the Rei I remember, and I would know," Shinji softly. Misato looked at her charge and nodded.
"She did seem a little different," Misato said, her tears clearing and her sobs coming in longer intervals now.
"Well… let's get you cleaned up now and tomorrow we'll go over to Ritsuko and find out what the hell is going on, okay?" Misato asked, taking Shinji arms in hers and leading him to the bathroom to fix it.
After twenty minutes, Shinji was bandaged up and felt the pain ebb away with two painkillers. Both Misato and Shinji then went out and watched a movie, laughing and forgetting their heart wrenching problems for the hour and a half it took. When it was done, they sat in their gloom not knowing what to do.
The room seemed to settle with their feelings, almost a gray dullness settling around with the black sky outside. It was nearing nine PM and the clouds were dark, the moon the only source of light when it wasn't being suffocated by the clouds.
Misato got up and walked to the kitchen, walking back with water. Contrary to what many people do in times of despair, Misato actually became sober and stopped drinking after Kaji's death.
"I think we'd better go to bed Shinji. You can just meet me at NERV after school, okay?" Misato said, patting Shinji on the back. Shinji nodded and got up, wincing as he accidentally brushed his arm against his side.
"I won't be here when you get up, so you can make yourself breakfast. You know how bad my cooking is," said Misato in an apologetic tone. Shinji nodded, too exhausted physically and emotionally to say anything.
He went into his room and plunged to his bed, his mirror still had the dried blood on it. When his head touched the pillow, he immediately went into uneasy, black dreams of death and replayed Rei's death in his head over and over till he woke up crying and went back to sleep.
"Shinji's not going to believe our Rei is the one he fell in love with," Ritsuko said to her partner, who was laying next to her, his back turned.
"The third will have to buy it," Gendo said, not turning to acknowledge her.
"But love will not buy it," Akagi replied, already feeling an argument on the tip of his tongue.
"Love it nothing," Gendo replied coldly, knowing how much he had just hurt the doctor, but he felt just as he said, unless he was talking about his Yui.
"You'll never love me, will you?" Ritsuko asked finally, voicing the question that had formulated over the past months spent in Gendo's bed, after he had had his way with her, whether it had hurt her or not. After countless nights of him forcing her into this way and that, never paying attention to her wants, only his. After nights of being his toy and nothing more.
Gendo didn't answer with words, but she heard him clear enough. That was the hardest slap in the face she had ever gotten, and the worst part was she could have seen it the whole way to her cheek, as if in slow motion.
She got out of the bed, dressed, and left his house quietly, never to return and be his plaything ever again.
Gendo stared out after her and closed his eyes, knowing that she'd never willingly do his bidding again. He'd have to kill her if she got in his way and he did not want to, but had no problems doing it if Yui was on the line.
"You still have one more important step to fulfill, even without my pushing," Gendo said with a smile. Ritsuko would play right into his hand and she had no idea.
Shinji was on his way to school and could already feel the dread filling his stomach. He would have to see the Rei that he didn't know.
"I'll just have to make her remember," he promised himself. The walk was the quietest moment he had yet to endure, his mind thinking through everything. It never occurred to Shinji that Rei might not be at school because of her injuries; it hadn't stopped her very much in the past.
But he did not need to worry, for Rei's injuries were not real, as this was not quite the same Rei who self-destructed to save Shinji.
The third child methodically entered the school and went to his locker, getting everything he needed and putting his book bag away.
His heart was pounding in his ears again, this time louder than before. It was almost so loud he didn't hear Rei call him.
"Ikari? May I speak with you?" she asked distantly, the coldness in her eyes chilling him to the bone. It even froze his heart, which had broken several times within the past twenty-four hours.
She still had the bandages on, but Shinji could see she wasn't hurt. He could see that under her bandages were no open wounds or scars.
"What?" Shinji said, a little more coldly than he had intented. He wasn't mad by any means, but he was hurting and it was going to be like bringing a lover back from a coma, though it would be kind of different since Rei didn't remember her love for Shinji.
In fact, Ritsuko and Gendo had done an even more thorough
job on her memory modification than in the past. They completely erased her
memories of Shinji and herself, though they never knew that memories could
never be erased, even in death.
At that very moment, Ritsuko was finding that information out, grinning softly that Gendo could not do away with Rei's memories as he pleased.
"What did you mean about… 'us'? I do not know what you speak of, but you appeared very emotional about it," Rei asked, her eyes full of curiosity now. Shinji was glad that there was a difference in her gaze, but he wished it could have been like when she told him that she loved him.
"I mean… before your… accident with the Eva, we were lovers. We dated and kissed and… slept together," Shinji gulped back his tears, not wanting to cry in front of Rei again.
Rei puzzled over what he said and wondered why she had no memory of these events taking place. 'He must be lying. My memory is perfect, is it not?' she thought. Shinji interrupted her thoughts, however.
"Rei?" Shinji asked, not wanting to make her angry. She only looked at him with those same distant eyes, so full of color but so void of light.
"Yes?" she responded after a few minutes of Shinji's gazing silence. He stared at her a bit more, tears still threatening to gush down in full at the bottoms of his eyes.
"Will you spend the day with me?" he asked after a long while, piquing her curiosity. She looked at him a long time, her empty eyes seemingly penetrating his very skin and looking into his soul.
He got a strange feeling as she looked at him. It almost seemed like the feeling he got when he was swallowed by an angel, but not quite as strong. Not knowing whether it was a good or bad thing, Shinji tucked it into the back of his mind for later contemplation and concentrated on the present situation.
"What do you mean?" she asked, not quite clear on what he meant.
"I mean would you please not go to school and spend the day with me, here in the city," Shinji said. Rei looked at the school, then at the third child and then back to the school.
"We would get in trouble," Rei said softly, though she already had made up her mind.
"I doubt it. No one really goes to school anymore since the angels, and NERV has got its hands tied with the last angel preparations. We could just skip one day and be fine," he said hopefully, feeling nervous again, though most of his nerves calmed around Rei, even if she didn't remember what they had.
"Very well. What shall we do?" Rei asked quietly, very intrigued by the concept, since she had never been alone with Shinji, or any other boy her age for that matter.
"Let's go for a walk," Shinji ventured, meaning to lead her on a route that he and Rei had often traveled together and stop at restaurants, which they had eaten at together, and then to Jessie's Embers, where they had eaten the last night they had spent together.
Rei nodded and waited for Shinji to lead. He smiled to himself and led her down the street, walking silently in front of her. She was pondering the whole confusing matter as he led her past restaurants they had eaten at. Garcia's, Fratello's, and several others had struck a chord with her, though she didn't tell Shinji. There was something so familiar and nice about them, but she couldn't figure it out.
Then, he led her to a nice restaurant with white painted walls, red painted shutters on windows, and an old-fashioned wooden door leading back through the kitchen to the actual seating.
When Rei walked in, she felt a great burning in her chest, but she did not know what for. The dance floor seemed to call to her and she stepped onto it out of instinct. Shinji watched her from the side, smiling gently as she went through the moves of a dance they had done on that very floor to 'Fly me to the moon.'
She didn't tell him what she was feeling, but he could tell. She was in inner turmoil, feeling a strange implacable feeling. She looked around and saw that no one but the bartender and his wife where there. On the wall next to the bar was a large picture, which she thought she recognized.
As she moved closer, she saw that it was her in a black dress, dancing with Shinji. The face worn on that Rei seemed to know no limit to happiness. Ayanami's mouth formed a thin line. She was angry that she could not remember it.
"It's time for school to get out, Rei," Shinji said to her. She was still a little bit shocked at his casual use of her first name.
"Very well Ikari," the first child said, beginning to walk out. Shinji caught her, however, in his arms and brought her close to him.
"Dance with me?" he asked rather boldly. She contemplated it, the feeling she was getting was overwhelming and she agreed. He led her through the steps, since she did not know them. Only at the end of the dance did she notice the marks on Shinji forearm. She furrowed her brow and frowned, then wiped the emotion of sadness from her and bade the third goodbye.
She walked out of the restaurant and went straight home, debating on whether or not to go consult the commander.
Shinji, on the other hand, went home to Misato and they started towards NERV to find out about everything they weren't in on.
Unbeknownst to them, security cameras were catching their every move and transmitting it to the lower parts of Terminal Dogma, where Ritsuko smiled and went out to greet them, though she'd pretend to be on her way out.
Misato's clearance card only got her to level one of Terminal Dogma, which was basically a dumping ground for old Evangelion projects. So Doctor Akagi would have to go and wait at the level two doors, just so Misato could catch her.
And sure enough, ten minutes later Misato and Shinji were walking briskly down, knowing Ritsuko would be working in Terminal Dogma, since she hadn't left the place for a week.
"Ah, Ritsuko, we need to talk," Misato said, a gleam in her eye. Doctor Akagi acted surprised, though she was suppressing a smile. She would finally get back at Commander Gendo Ikari for killing her soul and not loving her when she gave him all she ever had.
"Why, Major, what are you doing here?" Ritsuko asked, putting her hand to her cheek when Misato drew out a nine-millimeter pistol and pointed it at her. The chamber wasn't loaded, and Ritsuko could see it, but she played scared anyway.
"What do you want?" the blonde doctor asked, getting calm and looking forward to her job.
"Show us what lies in Terminal Dogma. Show us what has been withheld," Misato said coldly. Shinji just kind of shook at her side, looking as scared as anyone.
"I thought you'd never ask," Ritsuko said, smiling and opening the door into the lower depths of Terminal Dogma.
"You seem a little eager," Shinji piped up, shaking now.
"I just think you should be filled in on NERV's darkest secret," said the doctor.
"Darkest secret?" Misato asked.
"Yes. But first, do you know anything about the dummy plug system?" Ritsuko asked, knowing they didn't. She opened the door to the third level of TD, the second having been an empty room. The fourth was the room in which they now kept Lilith, who now had legs.
She looked sadly down at them, but Ritsuko led them ever deeper without an upward glance.
"No, I don't," Misato replied, averting her gaze away from the crucified angel.
"The dummy plug system was first tested with Shinji, of course, when he could not defeat the angel in Unit-03. It is a system based on the thoughts, or predicted behavior of a pilot in that situation," Ritsuko said dully, as if it was boring.
"That was based on a pilot?! Who?" Misato asked, and she regretted speaking when Ritsuko replied.
"Rei Ayanami," said the doctor, as if it was common knowledge. Shinji stopped dead, looking at her with disbelief.
"Rei would do that?" he asked, stuttering a little.
"If pushed to the brink, yes," Ritsuko said, remembering the cold, thorough job that the dummy plug had done.
"How is it done?" Misato asked, trying to change the subject, not knowing that later, when they found out, she would have regretted it more than ever.
"We'll talk about that later. Now, what do you know about LCL?" the doctor asked, putting them through another level of TD, which was black and empty, yet huge as a skyscraper.
"Link Connection Liquid?" Misato ventured.
"Correct, but it is made from Lilith's blood. That is why Shinji always comments on it are correct, 'It smells like blood,' I believe you always said," Ritsuko said. She could hear Shinji gag.
"Why do I feel differently since the commander let an angel penetrate my mind?" Shinji asked, suddenly remembering the odd sensations he now dubbed usual.
"Project Commencement, as yet unfulfilled. Even I don't have the full detail on it, but when that angel was in your mind, he left a piece behind, kind of mutating you into a half-angel. You are not genetically a half-angel, but your mind is. It feels the same things as an angel, and it can sense the same things as an angel," Ritsuko said, opening the final door in Terminal Dogma to the cloning chamber, which was dark and silent.
Shinji was wincing at hearing that he was part angel when Ritsuko went to the corner and picked up a remote control.
"Now, are you ready to see the deepest secret of NERV?" Ritsuko asked, a sinister grin on her face.
Whatever Shinji was feeling about what had been said so far was completely blasted away by what happened when the room lit up. He gaped in horror at what lie within the vast tubes of LCL.
Rei had decided to visit Commander Ikari and talk to him about her feelings and lack of memory. The fact was that Shinji had been speaking the truth about their previous relationship and she wanted to know why she couldn't remember.
When she reached his office, however, he was not there. Fuyutsuki was on his way out, and she stopped him.
"Sub-Commander, where has Commander Ikari gone?" she asked softly. He looked her over for a few minutes before nodding and whispering, "I don't think you want to be here for a few days. He is going to arrest Ritsuko Akagi for showing Shinji the deepest level of Terminal Dogma."
"What is down there that would interest Pilot Ikari?" Rei asked, completely unaware that what was there could completely alter her future with Shinji forever.
"You'll be able to see when we're done. As for right now, please run along," Kozo said, knowing she would not want to see Shinji for a while.
"Okay," she replied softly, walking away as Kozo got into an elevator and descended.
"Thank you," Gendo said from the back of the elevator. Fuyutsuki nodded and ran a hand through his white hair.
"Now the last part of my plan will come into play. I'm so proud that Ritsuko does our bidding, even though she meant to hurt us," Ikari said with a smile.
"You're a sick bastard, Gendo," Kozo said, meaning it.
"I know," Gendo replied with a laugh.
The room was huge, easily a football field in length. The tubes on all sides where like giant aquariums, except they didn't carry fish. Inside was the orange glowing LCL and in the LCL where hundreds and hundreds of…
Rei Ayanami clones…
Shinji stared in horror as hundreds of smiling naked Reis swam in front of his eyes.
Misato gasped.
"Yes. The darkest secret. Rei is a clone. The one that you saw after the 16th angel was a clone, and is the THIRD clone. The Rei you were in love with Shinji was, in fact, the second. The first was killed at the age of seven by my dear old mother," Ritsuko said with a smile.
"I believe you need a brief history of Rei:
"Rei was not conceived. She was cloned at first from Yui Ikari and the Angel Lilith. The mixture, of course, for a first experiment was 50% Yui and 50% Lilith. That mixture was unstable, because after being constantly exposed to LCL her genetic structure actually altered away from being like an angel. If you follow, because all humans were spawned from angels, so our genetic structures are somewhat similar. We haven't figured out why the LCL changed her genetic structure away from angel-likeness, because it is ANGEL BLOOD. Somehow, though, the DNA of Yui was not stable enough, since we needed an angel-like being to have control of her emotions. You see, Rei's purpose needed her to be completely controllable.
"My mother strangled Rei for calling her an old hag. The emotion control wasn't working and Rei had quite an attitude for a seven year old. Gendo then changed her to 50% of my mother's genes, and 50% Lilith's genes. That was Rei two's make-up, and as you can see, the emotion control worked well for seven years until Shinji came along and unlocked her soul.
"You see, even though she was cloned, she had a soul. Every living being does. Her soul holds all her emotions, memories, and feelings. She practically burst her 'defensive walls', which we erected with a primitive form of mind control so she could fulfill her purpose. Even though she broke the control, she still fulfilled her purpose.
"But doing that caused her to die, so we needed a new one. This one had to be completely controllable, so we used 25% of my DNA and 75% of Lilith's. This made her a lot easier to control, but we still needed her to be human, because making her full angel would be impossible. There are only supposed to be 17 angels and besides, angel's DNA is too complicated to remake 100%.
"Even though she is under a far stronger hold this time, you can still break her free, Shinji. Just try, will you?" Ritsuko finished.
Shinji stood there, completely aghast. He never would have guessed at any of this, and he knew his father was behind it all. 'The evil bastard!' Shinji thought.
"So these clones are now used for the dummy plug system," Ritsuko said, looking solemnly at the tubes.
"What about her soul?" Misato asked, as equally astonished at Rei's history.
"It is transported from body to body, because of her will to live. The first soul died, and the second Rei had a completely fresh one. It had such a strong will to live because of Shinji that it transported to her new body. You're really something Shinji," Ritsuko, looking at him with sadness.
"You've shared enough there, Doctor Akagi. Now, if you'll please accompany my companions to the brig, you won't be hurt," Gendo said from the door. He had appeared ten minutes ago, but all three people in the room where so involved with their story that they hadn't noticed.
Kozo and three NERV agents stood with him and the agents carried Ritsuko to the door.
"You bastard! You're playing God!" she screamed, and she pressed the red button on the remote control.
If Shinji had been depressed before, that was nothing to watch hundreds of Rei's die in front of his face.
They screamed and contorted in agony before dissipating and staining the orange liquid completely red with human blood.
"Oh my fucking god," Misato whispered.
"Get her out of here," Gendo said coldly. She was carried away, never knowing she had done Gendo a favor. He didn't need any more Rei's, because his plan was almost over.
"You… fucking bastard," Shinji whispered.
"What? I think you should just leave and forget what you heard here today, third," Gendo said coldly. He didn't really want Shinji to forget it, which would screw up his entire plan.
"FUCK YOU!" Shinji screamed, running at his father with the intent to kill.
Gendo punched Shinji to the floor and stared down at him.
"Go away third, you are through here," he said. Shinji stared at him with everything withheld over the years.
"I hate you, you fucking pathetic excuse for a human and a father! I hope you die a fucking painful death!" Shinji screamed before running out.
Gendo only smiled, knowing exactly how he would die, which would be completely gruesome. He also smiled because Shinji would meet the fifth child as he exited NERV.
The platinum haired, crimson eyed fifth child was named Kaoru, and would play a crucial part in the commander's plan.
Continued……….
Author's notes: I hope you liked it. Please stay tuned. I'm going to finish it soon and re-write the first few chapters so they aren't written so badly.