Our Shameful Desires

A/N: I lied when I said I wouldn't make many authors notes. I cannot help it…I'm sorry. *Tear* What the hell, why am I apologizing to you? Bah. Aha, I kid. I would like to apologize ahead of time for all the grief I put a certain character through in this chapter. Don't hurt me. *Hides* I managed to stick in quite a bit of humor without taking away from the whole thing.

I know that the events of the first chapter happened a bit quickly, like some of you mentioned. But that's because the story focuses on their troubles staying together, not how they got together. That chapter was sort of like a…prelude. That's why it's a lot shorter than all the other chapters will be.

And I just need to mention this…there's a part in here where Paladin (who I turned into an asshole) says, "You're supposed to marry a nice girl and give me grandchildren." Well, when I was writing it out, I wrote him saying, "You're supposed to marry a nice girl and give me nightmares."

Uuh…oh well. That's not entirely untrue, is it?

Okay, enjoy the chappy now! …GAY HOBBITS!!!

Disclaimer: I thought I did this already. Leave me the hell alone, dagnabbit.

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Chapter Two: Difficulties

            They tore away from each other, both of them gasping and red in the face. Pippin's eyes widened in horror.

            "N-no! How could you just barge in like that? Don't you know how to knock?"

            "It is a small crime compared to what you've been doing in here with this Brandybuck, Peregrin!"

            Pippin broke out in a cold sweat and found it hard to breathe. "You don't understand…I just got hurt outside doing…things, and he had to carry me home, and it was just…"

            Paladin would hear none of it. He stormed over to the both of them, fiercely shoving Merry to the floor, and pulling him right back up by the earlobe.

            "You are going to go home, and speak nothing of this."

            Merry obediently left without a word, first glancing apologetically at Pippin. He hung his head.

            "It was just a caught in the moment th—"

            "Shut up." Paladin sat down next to his shocked son. "I am upset with you, but not entirely angry at you. It's mostly that cousin of yours." He shook his head. "I knew he was a bad influence on you. I'm sure he was the start of this whole thing."

            Pippin stayed silent.

            "I would be happy if you were with someone, had it not been…a boy. That's not the way it's supposed to be. You're supposed to marry a nice girl and give me grandchildren."

            "I know it's not right," Pippin said, "but I've really liked him for a long time…"

            "It's just a phase," Paladin assured him. "You'll grow out of it soon enough. So I'd appreciate it if you would break it off with him more sooner than later."

            He said it as if it was a request, but Pippin could sense the danger lurking behind his words. He had been able to sense it from the beginning. Paladin was angry at him. Exceedingly angry. Yet he had been conversing with Pippin calmly, thinking that if he lashed out on his son, Pippin would rebel and continue to see the other boy just to spite him.

            Paladin was right. And even though Pippin saw right through him, he couldn't help but feel like the filthiest being to ever grace the planet.

-

            Paladin's words hit Pippin so hard, that whenever he found himself thinking of Merry, everything Paladin said would come rushing back to him. He would find himself then sick to his stomach. He continued to see Merry though, despite everything. Paladin knew it and kept a watchful eye, convinced that soon Pippin's 'phase' would end.

            No more than a week after the whole ordeal, the hobbits of the Shire began to act queerly towards the two. People seemed to regard them with discomfort; dropping whatever they were doing to keep a wary eye.

            Merry was about to burst, with a strong urge to scream and ask what everyone was staring at. He was so perturbed, in fact, that when a little hobbit child tapped him on the back, he almost slapped the lad clear across the face.

            "What do you want?" he hissed.

            The young one took a moment to examine Pippin, and then turned back to Merry. "Mister Meriadoc sir, why do you want to have such an ugly girlfriend?"

            Merry's jaw dropped. Pippin's eyes widened in shock.

            "I-I'm not a girl!"

            "That's not what my mommy said," the hobbit child said innocently. "I didn't think you were, but I heard my mommy talking with Miss Rosie Cotton earlier today. She was saying, 'Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took together. It's just not right.' But I've never heard of two boys being together, so I figured one of you was just a really ugly girl."

            "And you think it's me," Pippin said, as more of a statement, with agitated half-closed eyes.

            The young hobbit nodded and smiled brightly. Pippin regarded him with silent hatred. And all of a sudden, such a loud string of curse-words left his mouth that people standing near the entrance of the Green Dragon turned their heads. The hobbit child did not scream nor cry; just turned on his heel and dashed away as fast as he could.

            An elderly woman's voice from far away called back, "That is no way for a young lady to speak!"

            Pippin's face contorted with fury. "I am not a lady!"

            Unable to calm him down, Merry took Pippin's arm and led him away from the crowd. They went to a quiet spot in the field and sat down; Pippin's face red and burning.

            "I'm sorry I let them get to me," Pippin whimpered, unable to be angry when Merry had his arms around him.

            "It's not your fault," Merry assured him. "How did they all find out?"

            "I don't know…Paladin wouldn't tell. He wants…well, wanted to keep it hidden until the day he died." He shook his head. "Who could have found out…who is nosey, and would just love to get their hands on some gossip like that?"

            "Every hobbit in the Shire."

            "True."

            "We should go to Frodo," Merry said. "He'd help us, wouldn't he? He wouldn't shun us, right?"

            "No." Pippin was calm by now. "Maybe he knows who started this whole thing."

            The two ventured down to Hobbiton, keeping out of sight. Merry knocked on the door at Bag End, and Frodo Baggins opened it straight away.

            "I thought I might be seeing you two soon." He smiled, incinerating any doubt of his friendship that Merry and Pippin might have had. "Sam is here, too. Come on in."

            Frodo led the two hobbits into the living room, where Samwise Gamgee was sitting, and drinking tea. They sat down next to each other on a couch, glancing around nervously.

            "So, you've heard about…us?" Pippin inquired.

            "Yes, and one of the first to find out," Frodo replied. "Sam came over later this morning when he heard the news."

            "How did you find out?" Merry asked.

            "Who else?" Sam said with a disgusted sigh. "Lobelia Sackville-Baggins. She comes around early morning yelling, 'You'll never guess what I heard last week! I heard yelling coming from one of the Took's houses, and it seems those two, Merry and Pippin, are lovers; and Paladin is none too happy about it."

            Pippin felt his face begin to burn again. "I should have known…but why would she wait so long before spreading it?"

            "Probably wanted us to believe our secret was safe," Merry said bitterly.

            Frodo's eyes were full of concern. "What do you plan on doing now?"

            "I don't know," Pippin moaned. "How can we stop all these rumors and still stay together?"

            "Well," Sam said, "this could be fixed if we make everyone think you weren't together anymore. Then we'd have to somehow convince them that you don't go for…other guys. It's the only way."

            This was true, and thus the plan was spawned. Somehow, they would convince all the hobbits of the Shire that Merry and Pippin had broken through their 'phase' and called it quits for good. To do that, they needed another element. Frodo convinced a young hobbit, Diamond of Long Cleeve, to pretend to be involved with Pippin. As it was planned, when all had been forgotten, they would 'break up'.

            They first told Paladin the news. Now with the thought that Merry and Pippin had separated, he was ecstatic. The fact that Pippin was now with someone else didn't matter so much, as long as his 'phase' was over.

            "I'm very happy for you," he said, glowing. Pippin masked his discomfort.

            "Yes…so am I. I guess you were right. It only took two weeks to get over him."

            "What did I tell you?" Paladin refrained from a victorious sneer. "You haven't been seeing him around much lately, have you?"

            Pippin's throat tightened. "No. when we decided to…not…well, our friendship sort of drifted as well."

            How could Paladin not see he was lying through his teeth? It was the hopeful delusion of a father, more concerned with family pride, but in a small corner of his mind, worried for his son's well-being.

            Pippin felt like slime for lying, but there was nothing else he could do.

-

He spent his days with Diamond and his nights hiding with Merry at her house. None but they, Sam, and Frodo were the wiser.

            It was a fine morning, three weeks after the spread of their secret. Pippin and Diamond sat together outside. Hobbits smiled at them as they passed.

            "I'm sorry I had to get you involved in this," he apologized.

            "Oh, no." Diamond laughed. "This whole thing is pretty exciting."

            "I'm twenty one, and you're sixteen," Pippin said. "We're barely of age. What do they think we're going to do, get married?"

            "They're just excited because you're with a girl."

            "But I'm not."

            "That doesn't matter, as long as they think you are."

            Pippin sighed. "So why did you help us, really?"

            Diamond giggled. "Well, a little while back I took a bit of a liking to you. I was disappointed when I found out you were with Merry, but as long as you're happy with it, I'm fine. So when Frodo asked for my help, I figured why not help?"

            Pippin smiled, unable to be more thankful.

-

            Night soon fell, and the two headed back to Diamond's hobbit hole. Two hours later, Merry appeared at the door. Diamond retreated to her bedroom and left them alone in the living room. They sat on the couch together, content for the first time in the entire day.

            "I could barely handle the day alone," Merry told Pippin. "I went down to the Green Dragon with Frodo and Sam to keep myself occupied."

            Pippin curled into a ball, resting his head against Merry's chest. "When can things go back to normal? When can we be together in the daylight again?"

            "Soon," Merry assured him. "Only another few days, I promise. Then you can 'break up' with Diamond and we can 'resolve our differences'."

            Pippin hoped that were the case. There was another thought that he was fighting to suppress. He would leave Diamond of course; he had no feelings for her whatsoever. But why couldn't he and Merry go back to being friends? Pippin never entirely wanted anything to happen in the first place. He had battled his emotions, and thought he had been winning for a while. He felt like dirt for loving Merry as more than a friend, and cousin no less. He felt like dirt for lying to everyone.

            But no, all the same, Pippin loved loving Merry and didn't care that he had to lie to everyone. He had been happy with Merry for that short moment…

            He sighed into Merry's shirt and fell asleep.

-

            Merry departed an hour before the sun rose. Pippin awoke facedown on a pillow that still smelled like his cousin.

            He sat up slowly and rubbed his eyes. Onto another day of lies and deceit. He felt sick. One thing had to be pushed aside before he went absolutely insane.

            Pippin ventured down the hall to Diamond's room. Not bothering to knock on the door, he walked in and approached her sleeping form.

            "Diamond, wake up. This is important."

            Diamond half-consciously made a rude comment about Pippin's mother and buried her face deeper into the pillow.

            "Diamond!"

            Her eyes snapped open and she jerked up into a sitting position; knocking Pippin in the jaw with her forehead. He froze, stunned.

            "Okay…ow."

            Diamond smiled sheepishly. "Sorry."

            Pippin shook himself off. "Never mind, it's quite all right. Diamond, as soon as you can, get ready, and run out that door screaming and crying."

            Her eyes widened. "You really think it's time?"

            "I couldn't care less. If I don't stop one of the lies now, I'll knife myself."

            Within half an hour, Diamond was down at the Shire bawling her eyes out. She told everyone how Pippin decided he wasn't ready for another relationship so soon, and needed a month or two of peace before going out and looking for another girl. She made sure to emphasize the fact that it was a girl he was looking for.

            By midday the news spread, and everybody had heard. Pippin felt much better with that weight off his chest. He, Frodo, Sam, and Merry met up at the Green Dragon shortly after.

            "Couldn't wait just a few more days, huh?" Merry said, grinning devilishly.

            Pippin blushed. "Merry! Not in public! I do not want to go through all this again!" He glanced around nervously. People were indeed staring at them, but not in such a manner as that day almost a month before.

            He jumped as someone slapped him on the back, spraying a mouthful of ale in Sam's face. Sam blinked twice, and wiped the drink off onto his shirt sleeve.

            "Delicious, Pippin, thank you. Nothing better than ale and Took spit."

            Frodo and Merry snorted, trying not to break into hysterics, but Pippin was only half-listening. The hobbit behind him was middle-aged, and not one Pippin knew too well.

            "So I hear it's all over with you and Diamond, eh? Pity. She was a nice girl." He leaned down so he was level with Pippin. "So what's up with you and your cousin now, anyway?"

            Pippin turned white. "W-we've gone back to being friends," he choked out. "You see, it was just the curiosity of a young hobbit that got us, you know? We were really embarrassed after, so we didn't speak for a while. We're fine now."

            The hobbit stared at Pippin, possibly trying to decide if this was the truth. Pippin flashed what he hoped was a sincerely innocent smile.

            "…All right." The hobbit went back to sit with his friends, losing all interest. Pippin heaved a sigh of relief, the feeling of nausea that had been building up finally subsiding.

            "Everyone'll know that story by nightfall," Merry said with disdain. "Nice quick thinking, Pip. I couldn't have done it better myself."

            And the story was general knowledge by nightfall, so the hobbits paid no mind when Merry and Pippin walked through the shire alone that night. They arrived at Pippin's hobbit-hole without being disturbed so much as once.

            Merry had not felt the weight of the lies as Pippin did. As it was, his parents refused to speak to him, and that was absolutely fine in his opinion. He was glad that Pippin no longer had to endure the pressure.

            Pippin opened the door for Merry. It was closed rather vigorously when the older hobbit slammed him against it, unable to contain himself now that they were out of sight and out of mind. Merry's arms holding Pippin were the only things that kept him from sinking to his knees.

            It wasn't exactly lying if Paladin hadn't asked if they were back together, was it?

            They sat in Pippin's living room for hours, talking about anything that came to mind. Merry had to return home, but procrastination was not a skill he hadn't mastered.

            When Pippin drifted off in the middle of a sentence, Merry kissed his forehead and quietly took his leave.

-

            "Wake up, Peregrin. Let me in now."

            Pippin jerked awake so violently he rolled clean off of his couch and onto the floor. He sprang to his feet and brushed himself off, finding Paladin staring in through his window. Paladin waited not a second after the door was open to assail his son.

            "Eglantine believed you. I wanted to, but there was no way…yet I gave you the benefit of the doubt. And this is what you do to me!"

            Pippin was struck before he could protest.

            "Don't try to give me and worthless explanations this time. I can beat you much harder than that. Did you think I wouldn't watch to make sure? Well I tell you what; I'm banging it out of you for sure this time."

            Paladin slammed the door and took hold of Pippin's arm, shoving him back down onto the couch.

            "I could have just disowned you like Saradoc and Esmeralda did to your cousin. I'm still not quite sure why I didn't. Maybe it was because I knew that the shame would never leave me.

            "I am ending it now. When I'm finished with you, you won't want to look another lad in the eye again for as long as you live."

            So it was said, and so it began. Paladin basically put Pippin under house arrest; telling of anyone who might stop by with the tale that he had fallen ill.

            The cruelty lasted for three days. It was on the night of the third day that Paladin left, leaving Pippin, bruised and traumatized, quivering on the floor.

-

            "You're a filthy, dirty little hobbit."

            "I know, sir."

            "Then say it."

            "I'm a filthy, dirty little hobbit."

            "I'm an abnormal disgrace and don't deserve to walk this earth."

            "I'm…"

            "Say it."

            "I can't. I just don't believe it."

            "You'll believe what I tell you to believe!"

            "Y-yes…"

            "You don't really like that boy, do you?"

            "I can't help it, I…stop! It hurts!"

            "Then tell me the truth!"

            "I don't love him!"

            "Is that right?"

            "Yes."

            "What else is right?"

            "I'm an abnormal, disgraceful, dirty, filthy little hobbit."

            "Do you believe it?"

            "…Yes. I believe it."

            "Good. Now apologize for disappointing your entire family."

            "I'm sorry…I'm so sorry! What did I do? What have I done? I'm—"

-

            "I'M SORRY!"

            Why? Why did he have to dream about that? It was just one of the painful memories of those three days. And the worst part was, when he had said he believed it…he meant it.

            Pippin did not care that it was the dead of night. He didn't care how far away Buckland might seem in the dark. He wandered aimlessly trying to find his way, the sheer disgust that he felt for himself driving him on.

            At last Merry's house came into view. It was pitch black inside. Of course, normal hobbits were sleeping.

            But Merry wasn't a normal hobbit.

            Merry was an abnormal, dirty, filthy hobbit.

            Just like him.

            Pippin threw himself onto the door and pounded on it frantically.

            "Pippin!" Merry opened the door, sending Pippin falling face-first onto his floor. "Any louder and I think you would have woken my ancestors!"

            Merry tried to keep the mood light, but there was something about Pippin's expression that made him worry.

            "I needed to talk to you," Pippin gasped. "It couldn't wait."

            "What's the problem?" Merry battled a strong feeling of dread.

            "I-I…" Pippin choked on his words. But there was no going back now.

            "I can't see you anymore, Merry."

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