Crash and Burn – So Far Away
Chapter 3 – Falling
Almost a full minute had passed before there was any sign of a reaction from the dark haired man. His slightly hostile expression suddenly changed to a look of defeat. After an internal struggle, he had resigned himself to his fate.
"It was a nightmare," he said slowly, his voice barely more than a whisper. "I was scared and I'm not ashamed to say it."
The psychologist nodded reassuringly as she let out a relieved breath she hadn't been aware she'd been holding.
"At first it didn't seem real. I don't think I was frightened because the situation just seemed so crazy. I thought I'd be home within a few hours…" The sentence trailed off as he recalled how wrong he'd been.
"What made you start to become fearful?" Lou asked gently.
"I don't know… it's hard to remember."
She believed him, knowing that he would have all but forced himself to forget. "You need to go back there, Dee; to revisit what happened in your mind."
"I… I can't."
"You can. Remember, it's only a memory. In reality you're safe and you can come back to that any time. Memories can't hurt you."
After a short while he nodded, although he still looked reluctant.
"Okay, sit back and close your eyes. I need you to relax for me. Remember, I'm here and nothing can harm you."
When he had done as she asked, she began to speak softly; soothing words that would help him shake off the anxiety wrapped around his conscious mind.
"Okay," she said after a good five minutes had elapsed. "I want you to think back to when you first realised you'd been abducted. Tell me how you feel."
She watched his handsome features contort into a deep frown before he answered. "It's cold… I can't hear anything and I'm blindfolded so I can't see either. I can't remember how I got here. When I try to move I find I can't. My arms are chained behind me."
"Are you afraid?"
"No… I have a headache and I'm cold and hungry but not afraid."
"Why not?"
"Because if I can't get out of here myself then Ryo will come and find me. I've been abducted before and Ryo came for me. I guess I'm not afraid because I don't think the situation is serious."
"Is there anyone there with you?"
"Not at first but soon someone does come. I feel relieved because I might be able to talk myself out of this situation."
"And are you?"
"No… I'm all part of his plan so he won't let me go. He takes my necklace… one Ryo bought me and takes a photo of me."
"How do you feel now?"
"Humiliated. Powerless." He swallowed hard. "He makes a comment about Ryo. How he's watched him. He knows our commissioner is attracted to him. I panic at this but I try to hide it. I can't let him see I'm afraid."
Ten, maybe fifteen seconds passed in silence. Eventually Lou spoke. "You've done really well, Dee," she said reassuringly, conscious not to push him too far when he had only just started to open up. "Now I want you to concentrate on the here and now. Remember what it's like to be home with Ryo. You're safe, both of you. Just as you really are because your ordeal is over. You're not in danger anymore, Dee."
She allowed him to rest a moment before she instructed him to open his eyes. The green orbs blinked open and came to rest on her encouraging smile.
"Well done," she said sincerely. "It might not feel like much but you've taken a really big step today, Dee. I'm very proud of you."
Her enthusiasm allowed him to smile; a small gesture that spoke of his relief as the terrible memories started to fade. Somehow, they seemed less terrible now he had spoken about them, and it made him hopeful for the future. If he could reduce all his nightmares to mere words that could be spoken as and when he chose, then nothing could stop him achieving the peace of mind he ached for.
"I think we'll call it a day for now."
He nodded his agreement as a sense of accomplishment grew within him. Lou showed him out of the therapy room where, in the corridor, he ran into Danny who had just finished his own session with Jack.
"Hey," Dee said, eager to capitalise on his good progress by meeting up with a friendly face. "How's things?"
"Great," Danny said with a broad grin that indicated his session had also gone well. "Looks like you had fun."
Dee raised an eyebrow at the strange choice of words but laughed anyway. "Yeah well, now I feel like having fun. You game?"
The grin was unwavering as Danny patted him on the back. "You said the magic words, my friend."
Three hours later, the two men were in China Town, talking and laughing like long-time companions. Dee had called Ryo before they left, communicating his happiness that the programme was going well. His lover had been pleased to hear he was settled and making progress and the call had ended on a positive note.
Danny was equally buoyant; although the younger man always seemed to be in a good mood whenever Dee saw him and part of him wondered how, if ever Danny's PTSD manifested itself.
"So, tell me about Lisa," Dee asked as he spooned some more rice onto his plate.
Danny looked up from his own plate and smiled. "Not much to tell really. We met at high school and have been together since we were fifteen."
"Childhood sweethearts, huh?"
"Something like that," Danny chuckled. "She's the only person who'd put up with me." His smile slipped suddenly. "Especially lately."
Dee sensed he was referring to the difficulties he too had experienced as a result of his PTSD. He was about to offer some words of comfort when the grin was back in place; Danny clearly shaking off the melancholy as quickly as it had descended.
They talked a little of their companions as they finished their meals; both coming to the conclusion that they liked them all with the possible exception of Kieran. Danny was more vocal than Dee in expressing his dislike for the Irishman although Dee agreed that he didn't exactly endear himself to the group. Danny snorted and made a comment about that being the understatement of the year before conversation turned to less controversial topics.
The night was still young so after they had eaten they decided to move onto some bars. Canal St was nearby and Danny said he was happy to go; feeling like he needed to prove to Dee that he was comfortable around homosexuals. Dee had told he didn't mind if they went somewhere else but it seemed the most logical choice when it was so close and he was still on crutches.
They settled into a bar called The New Union, finding a table in a corner where they could talk away from the pulsating beat of the music. Despite his claims, Danny's eyes were on stalks as all around them same sex couples flirted and laughed with each other. Dee excused himself and went to the toilet leaving Danny to do some more people watching. Canal St seemed to be the one place in Manchester where gays and lesbians could be their true selves without fear of intimidation and persecution; this was their territory and he almost felt like he was intruding. He saw Dee emerge from the restrooms and get stopped by a man who looked to be in his early twenties, wearing a black t-shirt and jeans with several piercings in both ears. The man had his hand on Dee's arm in a friendly gesture as a conversation took place. Eventually Dee pointed in Danny's direction and the man smiled and nodded before Dee set off back to his seat.
"What was that about?" Danny asked. "And why did you point at me?"
"He was asking if I fancied a drink. I told him thanks but no thanks because I was here with my boyfriend."
Danny's eyes were like saucers. "You said…"
Dee laughed out loud. "I'm kidding. I said I was out with a friend but I did have a partner back at home."
"Oh right. I need the toilet but I'm almost frightened to go," the younger man said, standing and stretching. "I don't wanna get chatted up."
Dee lit a cigarette and spoke with it clamped between his lips. "Oh you won't. Have you never heard of a 'gaydar'?"
Danny frowned and shook his head.
"You've got 'straight man' written all over you. Trust me, you'll be safe."
Danny could hear Dee laughing as he walked away and he too chuckled, shaking his head at his companion's sense of humour. Despite what Dee said, he kept his head down as he walked to the restroom, repeating the action when he returned to his seat. While he had been gone, two highly flamboyant men had sat down at the table next to them and were arguing loudly, gesturing wildly and pouting each time the other was speaking.
"Jeez," Danny said, rolling his eyes as he settled back into his seat. "What are those guys on?"
Dee laughed, recalling similar types on the New York gay scene when he had first been questioning his sexuality as a teenager.
"I mean, you're nothing like that," Danny went on, his eyes still fixated on the argument across from them.
"That's because I'm 'non-scene'," Dee grinned from behind his drink. "And besides, I'm…"
"Not gay?"
"Exactly."
"Well I think I'm glad," Danny said finally turning to face Dee. "I don't think I could cope with a month of pouting and flouncing."
"Flouncing?" Dee chuckled, with a raised eyebrow. "I don't think there's any danger of that."
After they had stopped laughing, Danny went to the bar, returning with two more drinks. For a moment they sat in reflective silence, watching the people coming and going around them. The arguing couple were no longer shouting, clearly getting closer to resolving their differences.
"So when did you know you were… bisexual?" Danny asked.
The American shrugged as he lit a cigarette. "Dunno… fifteen, sixteen, something like that."
"Wow," Danny replied as he accepted Dee's lighter and started on a fresh cigarette of his own. "So what's Ryo like then?"
Dee took a long drink, green eyes twinkling at the mention of his favourite subject. "Tall, blond, completely gorgeous. Absolutely enormous…" He let the sentence hang for a moment as Danny's eyes widened. "Brown eyes," he finished, grinning as he sensed where Danny's mind had gone in that pause.
"Dee!" Danny complained loudly, "Great! Now you've got me thinking about cocks!"
He had raised his voice over the music, which suddenly ended making his last sentence far louder than it needed to be. The arguing couple stopped speaking before they burst out laughing. Danny blushed profusely; his cheeks on fire beneath his hazel eyes.
"Now look what you made me do," he grumbled as Dee laughed until he was short of breath.
"Come on," the American replied, downing the rest of his drink and getting into his crutches. "Let's go before you get us both in trouble."
By the middle of the second week, Jack noticed Dee's increased participation in the group sessions and commended his colleague over the change. Lou reported how the individual sessions seemed to be going well, with Dee talking more about what had happened over the first few days of his abduction. It was all going well she told Jack, not realising that she was speaking too soon…
Wednesday's afternoon session had started well enough. As with the last few days, she helped him relax into an almost trance-like state before starting to gently probe, extracting repressed information from the recesses of his mind. As they talked through the days sequentially, he found it more and more difficult to recall anything about his experiences. She knew from Polly's notes that he had succumbed to the fever at this point so it wasn't surprising that he couldn't remember much, but what he did manage to recall had become increasingly disturbing. Lou realised that Dee had genuinely believed the hallucinations and she was having a hard time trying to talk him around and convince him that they weren't real, even though they were all centred around Ryo, who had repeatedly assured his lover that he had been unharmed while they were apart.
Just as they seem to be making progress, Dee began to talk about another period of lucidity. He talked of being in pain, both from his injuries and remaining chained in the same position for prolonged periods of time.
"I feel so sick; I can't remember the last time I ate anything. Suddenly the door opens and I hear footsteps. I hope he'll give me some painkillers this time. When he speaks, the voice is different. He tells me he's a friend of Liam's younger brother."
Lou frowned, although Dee never saw the gesture with his eyes closed. "Dee? This isn't Liam Patterson you're talking about is it? Was there someone else who came and checked on you besides him?"
The silence as she waited for an answer was suddenly broken as Dee's eyes flew open and he sat up, his breathing making a sharp rasping sound as he inhaled through a windpipe constricted in panic.
Getting over her initial shock, Lou jumped into action, speaking to him a calm yet firm voice. At first it didn't seem to be working and she knew he was in danger of losing consciousness the longer the panic attack went on. He was clutching his chest, his expression pained as he was gripped by the symptoms of severe hyperventilation.
"Dee. Dee. Listen to me," she implored, rubbing his back soothingly. "Stay with me. Come on, you were doing well. Remember you're safe. Shhhhhhhhh."
He swayed in the seat as a lack of oxygen overcame him but gained control at the last second, stopping himself from slipping into unconsciousness.
"Slow, steady breaths, Dee. Well done," Lou continued, feeling a huge sense of relief that it hadn't been more serious. "Sit back and rest for a few minutes."
She tried to manoeuvre him back into the chair but his body was rigid. Clearly they had hit on something and judging by his reaction, it was something he had either repressed or genuinely forgotten all about until this moment.
"I have to go," he said suddenly, grabbing his crutches, wanting to get out of there and fast.
"Wait," she said, studying his deathly pale face as they both stood. "You should rest and then we can try to talk about what just happened then…"
"No."
The response was final. His green eyes that were so often twinkling and full of life were suddenly hard and flat.
"Enough talking, I need to go."
Not certain how much damage had been done, Lou nodded and stepped out of his way, feeling helpless as he asserted his right to call a halt to the session.
"I really don't think you should go, Dee but I can't stop you if that's what you want."
He nodded, his eyes never meeting hers.
"Okay, well I'll see you tomorrow then. Take it easy, Dee and please ring me if you need to talk sooner. You have my home number too."
"Fine," came the response although he was already out of the room and didn't look back as he said it. When he'd gone, Lou sank into her chair and swore. Just when they'd seemed to be making progress, the trust they'd built, like a precarious house of cards, had been toppled. Something else had happened to him, and she wondered whether she'd ever learn what it was.
By the time he'd reached the reception, Dee was sweating profusely, partly through the exertion of practically running on crutches and partly because of the images that had started to flash through his brain. It was as if up to that point they'd been safely contained behind a locked door, but now they were free and they were burning themselves into his brain no matter how much he tried to think of other things.
The girl on the reception desk smiled as he approached; familiar with the routine of ordering taxis to take their clients back to their lodgings.
"Mr Latener?" she called out as he passed. "Do you want me to call you a cab?"
There was no response as he disappeared out of the front door with a bang. On the street, Dee was relieved when he managed to flag down a taxi without too much effort.
"The Metropolitan," he said, climbing into the back.
The taxi driver glanced at him briefly in his rearview mirror but didn't say anything as he pulled out into the traffic. In the back, Dee closed his eyes, wishing that he could speed up this journey and be alone at last. The relief when he was finally alone in his room almost exploded from within him. He held it together for a few minutes longer as he called the reception desk and asked them to send a message to Danny. He couldn't face an evening meal in company and so he lied, asking them to pass on the message that he was staying in to await a phone call and he would see him tomorrow morning, also adding that he didn't wish to be disturbed. As soon as the receiver was back in its cradle, his will dissolved and he crumpled into a heap by the door.
"Oh God," he whispered, staring blankly ahead of him. "What happened to me?"
Hours passed and still he didn't move. Even with his eyes pressed into the palms of his hands he could see the troubling images of his past. That in itself was a worry. He'd always assumed he'd been blindfolded the entire time so surely there wasn't anything to see. That flicker of a memory sparked into life in the session with Lou had now swelled into a full-blown flame; the horrible nightmares dancing before his eyes like the embers of a fire.
He wants to hurt your partner, but I can stop him. I can help you… but I won't do it for free.
He said you'd be my type…
Relax… I'm not gonna hurt you.
Lou's suspicions were correct; there had been someone else besides Liam Patterson. He could remember him now. He had seen him, in a mask of course, but he had definitely been allowed to see beyond the blackness of his blindfold on at least one occasion. But worse than sight, there was a memory of something else; of hands upon him and the recollection almost made him sick. Conversely, he felt like vomiting because he couldn't remember.
"What did you do to me?" Dee said out loud, the buzz of a headache growing larger as it gnawed at his brain until he wanted to pound at his skull to make it go away. "What did you do?"
Several hours after he had returned from his session, Dee's self-imposed silence was broken by the beeping of his watch, the sound telling him his insulin was due. It was tempting just to ignore the irritating noise; maybe if he did that, he could ignore the fact that he needed to inject himself and eat something to keep his blood sugar levels stable. Half an hour passed, then an hour.
Unprompted, his thoughts suddenly turned to Ryo. He remembered how frightened the other man had looked when he'd been hospitalised because he had messed up his routine. The blond would be doubly anxious if he received word that his lover had been hospitalised whilst far away in a different country. He wouldn't put Ryo through that. Slowly, his legs stiffened through sitting on the floor for so long, he manoeuvred himself so he could reach for the small zip up bag by his bed. He pulled it onto the floor beside him and took out some of the contents.
His blood glucose monitor said he was high; not surprising since his injection was over an hour late. He loaded a disposable syringe with the right level of insulin before pulling his t-shirt up to expose his stomach. So easy to overdose; go on Dee, do it he thought as he turned the needle this way and that, studying the silver tip with a strange sense of fascination. If I did it, then by the time they found me it would surely be too late he thought, oblivious to the fact that minutes earlier he hadn't wanted to worry Ryo by forgetting to take his medication in the first place. Ryo would think it was a terrible miscalculation on his part; better that than the truth. His thoughts were a jumble and he knew he wasn't thinking straight.
He brought the needle down and let it rest against his abdomen, pushing on it slowly until it pierced the skin. There was no efficiency to minimise the pain; he wanted it this way, as if it would help atone for some of the sins he now knew he carried with him. Guilt and shame were overwhelming and now with failure added to this load, realising that he couldn't go through with suicide after all, he let the syringe drop to the floor and began to cry.
Darkness had fallen as he awoke in a messy heap on the floor at the end of his bed. He reached up and touched his face to find it still wet with tears and realised that he must have cried himself to sleep. His diabetes equipment was still spread around him, reminding him that he hadn't eaten. As he tried to sit up, he felt dizzy and slightly out of it; a feeling he correctly attributed to his blood sugar level now being too low. His hand groped for the packet of glucose tablets he carried with him in case of emergencies. It wasn't a meal, but it would do.
The feelings of dizziness and nausea slowly subsided, allowing his mind to return to other pressing matters. It was only as he thought of Ryo did the tears start afresh. How could he ever face him after what he'd done? Despite his self loathing, he had an overwhelming urge to speak to his lover. He didn't deserve it, but he needed Ryo's comfort. A quick mental calculation told him it was the early hours but time had ceased to be relevant. He dialled the number.
He was sobbing as the phone rang and when his lover came on the line he couldn't find the voice to speak. "Wait," was all that he managed to say to prevent Ryo from hanging up, suspecting a crank phone call when nobody had said hello. Ryo heard the tears, but Dee couldn't stop himself. He begged to come home but wouldn't tell Ryo why. Ryo listened and was sympathetic but he wouldn't give Dee his blessing to quit the programme.
You don't understand, Dee thought as he listened to Ryo speaking words of love and encouragement. You shouldn't love me; not now. I'm tainted…
He could hear the pain in Ryo's voice and he felt guilty that he had forced his misery on the unwitting blond. In an attempt to make amends, he agreed to Ryo's request for him to stay and complete the programme. Let him think you're okay… it's your problem, not his.
And when Ryo said he loved him Dee said the words back, fiercely meaning them no matter how hollow he thought they would ring if Ryo knew what had prompted the phone call in the first place.
Across the city, Lou Fletcher picked up the phone after staring at it for a full ten minutes. She dialled the number, feeling guilty at her actions, but it was answered before she could change her mind.
"Eileen?" she said, recognising the voice of Jack's wife. "It's Lou. I'm sorry to ring now but can I speak to Jack?"
The older woman went off the line to fetch him; not sounding at all annoyed by the late night intrusion. Thirty five years of marriage had taught her that Jack would always be married to his job as well.
"Lou? Is something the matter?" Jack asked as his strong masculine tones came on the line.
"I don't know, maybe. Probably."
"What's happened?"
Lou sighed, drawing warmth from the cup of coffee between her fingers. "Dee Latener. I think I may have blown things with him."
She proceeded to explain what had happened and her subsequent theories as to why he had reacted so strongly.
"You weren't to know, Lou," Jack said reassuringly. "There certainly wasn't anything in his notes or his police statement about someone else being involved. I think you've genuinely uncovered something that he's either forgotten or repressed."
Lou contemplated her next question, knowing it had to be asked. "Jack, was he ever examined for any sexual injuries?"
"Yes. He was fully examined when he was first admitted to hospital and none were found, although that only rules out sexual intercourse. Do you think something might have happened to him?"
"I don't know," she replied, shaking her head. "He said 'Please don't touch me' in today's session. I know that could mean many things but his reaction was so strong. Call it a hunch, but I don't think it was physical violence he was afraid of when he said that. Liam Patterson was an overt homophobe but with the likelihood of more than one person involved, who knows what could have happened."
"You may be onto something, but be careful," Jack warned, despite knowing that she would heed the suggestion even if he'd never said anything. "He's bound to be quite volatile if all this is news to him too. We'll see what the morning brings; if he turns up for the group session."
"Will you let me know?"
"Sure. Now stop worrying. Everything will be fine."
They ended the call, but Lou still felt on edge, wondering how Dee was feeling at that moment and praying that he hadn't done anything stupid. She'd rung the hotel earlier on but they wouldn't tell her anything, other than he had requested not to be disturbed until the morning. She was tempted to go over there but grudgingly accepted that he needed his privacy to think things through on his own, as he had demanded. He didn't seem the suicidal type.
"Someone hurt you, Dee," she said out loud as she swirled the coffee around in the mug and stared into the near-black depths. "Please let me help you."
TBC…