Crash and Burn – So Far Away
Chapter 5 – Fighting
Dee went back into individual therapy at the start of the third week. Lou was slightly surprised to see him, even more so when he appeared calm, relaxed and ready to talk. To ease him back into the sessions, they talked over what they already knew; the feelings he had experienced as a result of being kidnapped. Lou was relieved to find he had no difficulty voicing his inner thoughts and feelings and she was preparing to offer him a break when he suddenly moved onto the subject she'd been anxious at bringing up. He explained about what he now believed were hallucinations; how the imagined presence of someone beside Liam Patterson had led to the uneasy feeling that he had been subjected to something other than physical or verbal abuse.
Lou listened and commented occasionally, trying to figure out what had brought about such a change in her client. He seemed confident that he had hallucinated another person, so much so that she felt wrong to question him. However, as the session ended and Dee left smiling and relaxed, she couldn't shake off the feeling that everything wasn't quite as it seemed.
"He's hiding something," she said sometime later when she had met up with Jack in their office. "It just felt… wrong."
"He did have some very vivid hallucinations," Jack replied, playing devil's advocate as usual. "There is a chance that this could be one too."
"I know," the female psychologist said, studying with a frown the pen she'd absentmindedly been chewing for the last half an hour. "Call it gut instinct, but I just don't believe him."
Jack set down the papers he was holding and looked at her squarely. "Frankly I'm inclined to agree with you but we can't force these things on him, Lou. If he's trying to convince himself otherwise then we can only keep probing him gently and hope that he changes his mind. If we push him to accept that something happened and these memories are pure invention then we'll only cause more harm than good."
He saw his colleague's frown and smiled. "Don't worry. I know you'll do the best you can for him. So… how are the other sessions going?"
Lou brightened at the change of topic. "Jenny's made excellent progress. She's managed to pinpoint the start of her problems. Apparently just over a year ago, she attended a fatal car crash where the victim turned out to be a cousin of hers. She had some counselling after the event but now she feels she never truly got over that meeting of work and home life. Since she identified that, she's gone from strength to strength."
"That's great," Jack said, full of praise. "What about Richard?"
Lou cocked her head, letting her smooth blonde hair tickle her arm. "Not bad. I think we'll get there in the end. There are some issues relating to his manager; some kind of bullying that needs to be sorted when he goes back but I think he'll be fine. How about your lot?"
"Duncan…" Jack said, realising he'd drunk the last of his coffee as he picked up the empty mug and stared at it wistfully, "… will be okay. He's probably the most classic PTSD sufferer of the group, with a constant build up of trauma over the years. He says he started to feel he couldn't cope after he attended a house fire where three children died. He said they'd reminded him of his own kids and he couldn't put them out of his head. He's probably been the easiest to work with, despite his reluctance in the group sessions."
Lou nodded understandingly, having worked with many similar clients herself. "What about that grumpy shit?"
Jack smiled and raised an eyebrow. "Is that a technical term, Ms Fletcher?"
"No, but an accurate one."
Jack laughed, glad that he had his lively younger colleague to balance out the burden of dealing with people's problems day in, day out. "He's done okay, although I still reserve judgment on whether he'll keep it together back at work. Surprisingly, he feels his girlfriend leaving him has been the source of a lot of his problems and I think he's planning to try and win her back."
Lou rolled her eyes. "Lucky girl; and Danny?"
"Again, he's getting there. He talks quite freely about what happened; we just need to continue working this guilt out of him. He's always upbeat about things, which is good."
Lou nodded as Jack stopped speaking, glad that for the most part, the group was progressing well. Used to the successes of past programmes she returned to thoughts of Dee, determined not to let the other go without getting to the bottom of what had happened to him.
Her chance to work with him further was temporarily halted in the third week when Dee was finally given an appointment at a local hospital in order to have his plaster cast removed. Danny volunteered to come with him and Dee agreed, anxious to keep him away from Kieran after a particularly tense group session that morning. It had started no different from previous sessions, but the two men were clearly in very contrasting moods that were bound to clash sooner or later. Eventually Kieran's belligerence had caused the often excitable Danny to boil over and harsh words turned to insults. They'd been one step away from an all out fist fight.
"He really pissed me off before," Danny grumbled as they rode in a taxi to Dee's appointment.
"No prizes for guessing who you're talking about," Dee replied, trying to keep the mood light.
"He's a wanker."
Dee raised an eyebrow, indicating he didn't recognise the word.
"You know; a tosser, prick, a wanker," Danny went on, not explaining too well. "I don't know what his problem is. He's just a…"
"Wanker?" Dee volunteered.
"Yeah," Danny replied although he was already smiling, clearly not willing to let the surly Irishman ruin the rest of the day. "Let's go and sort you out, Pegleg."
They paid the taxi driver and followed the directions they'd been given to the appropriate department at the hospital. When Dee's name was called, Danny stood too, announcing that he was going outside for a cigarette while he was gone. Once again, Dee had to go through the process of explaining where he was from, once again giving the vague answer 'work' as to why he was in the UK. The nurses then made small talk as his plaster cast was cut away and a further x-ray was taken. He was then left alone for a while before a doctor appeared, bringing with him the result of the x-ray.
"Well, it all looks good, Mr Latener," the medic reported after introducing himself. "The break's healed nicely but you have significant muscle wastage in your leg. How long has the cast been on?"
Dee explained how this had been the second break in a relatively short space of time. The doctor nodded at the information before asking Dee when he was due to return home.
"You're going to need quite a lot of physiotherapy before you're walking without assistance. You'll still need your crutches for a while and you'll have to wear a jointed brace to support the limb. I'll arrange some intensive sessions for you up until you leave, which you'll need to continue with once you're back home. If you'll excuse me, I'll go and make some calls."
After a further wait, a woman entered and introduced herself as the physiotherapist that would be working with him for the remainder of his stay. Dee liked Julie straight away although he sensed that she intended to work him hard. She chatted and joked with him as she fitted the neoprene brace, before showing him how to start exercising the limb without putting too much pressure on it. When they were done, she handed him his crutches and said goodbye, adding that she would see him in the morning when the hard work would really begin.
Danny was waiting for him as he left the consultant's room. "Is everything okay?" he asked, surprised to see the American still on crutches.
"Yeah," Dee replied, before explaining what the doctor had told him.
"Bet it'll be weird to wear a full pair of shoes again," Danny chuckled as they started off down the corridor together before he caught the look on Dee's face. "You did bring a complete pair of shoes, didn't you?"
He laughed out loud as Dee's expression told him he hadn't. "Well since we've got a couple of hours free… wanna go and buy some shoes?"
Dee nodded his agreement, also chuckling that, despite Ryo organising his packing like a military operation, they had both overlooked the fact that by the end of the month he would need shoes for his right foot.
"I'll just buy a pair of sneakers," Dee announced.
It was Danny's turn to raise an eyebrow. "You mean trainers, right? Like these?" he said, gesturing to his own battered footwear.
"Yeah," Dee replied, rummaging for a much needed cigarette once they were out of the building. "Although I'd prefer mine to not look like they'd been borrowed from a homeless person."
"Fuck off."
They headed for the city centre, quickly finding footwear to satisfy Dee's needs. Since they still had time to kill, Danny took the out-of-towner to Affleck's Palace; a large building that housed a collection of shops and stalls selling out of the ordinary goods. Dee bought some t-shirts, liking the retro clothing that was in abundance at the shops within the large building. The two men browsed the many stalls, pausing briefly at a hairdressing stall where a woman with multiple piercings on her face was shaving a Mohican into a customer's dyed green hair.
"You up for it?" Danny asked, nodding towards the hair style with a grin.
Dee laughed. "I'm not sure what Ryo would think if I came home with that. Not to mention the chief! Hell, he'd spew!"
Danny laughed. "How about something a little more subtle?" He thumbed in the direction of another shop; a neon-fronted tattoo parlour. Dee followed his gesture and raised his eyebrow, although he didn't laugh. Danny recognised the look. "You're thinking about it aren't you?"
Dee didn't answer but he moved over to the window to study some of the designs.
"What will Ryo say?"
Dee shrugged and smiled. "I'll just have to get something he'll like, won't I?"
Half an hour later, they emerged, Dee now wearing a small piece of gauze on his right shoulder blade, protecting the tattoo that he had chosen. There had been several designs that he had liked, but eventually he had chosen to have something that would always remind him of his lover back home.
For the remainder of the week, Dee had to fit his individual sessions with Lou around his trips to the physiotherapist. Julie, the therapist assigned to his rehabilitation, was young and enthusiastic but it still didn't totally mask the fact that her sessions were uncomfortable, sometimes painful and always physically demanding. Today was no different.
"You'll be running the New York marathon before you know it," Julie said with a grin as Dee slowly made his way towards her, a thin sheen of sweat on his face as he used the set of parallel bars to support his weight. The muscles in his arms bulged with exertion as he concentrated on using his weakened limb to walk; the leg still strapped in the neoprene jointed brace.
"Whatever you say," he replied jokingly, although it came out between gritted teeth. His attention was drawn to the door as Danny appeared, waving at Dee through the small window. With the session almost at an end, Dee gestured for him to come in. The younger man did so, his trademark grin in place.
"I didn't know you did gymnastics, Latener," he said, pointing to the parallel bars.
Dee managed a smile as he took one final unsteady step. "Want me to do a backflip?"
"No backflips," Julie said, sharing the joke. "But if you want to do something impressive, then you can manage with just one crutch from now on."
Dee looked surprised at the suggestion but nodded his agreement anyway. It would be hard, but he was eager be walking when he returned home and the only way to ensure that happened was to allow Julie to push him hard.
"Wonderful," Julie said, returning his crutches to him temporarily. "Well go and get changed and come back so I can refit your brace before you go. Good work again today, Dee."
The two men left the hospital and headed back to the hotel, having arranged to meet the rest of the group for their evening meal. It was hard to believe that this time next week, they would be preparing to leave, to return to their respective homes renewed, refreshed and hopefully ready for work. It was inconceivable to think that after all their hard efforts, they wouldn't be able to function in their chosen careers, but the biggest test was certainly still to come.
The group chose to eat in the hotel restaurant, occupying a round table in the centre of the room as they made the usual small talk. Dee had received a round of applause from the group when he had entered the room, walking, albeit very slowly, as opposed to hopping on his crutches. The conversation eventually turned to the PTSD programme itself and its organisers. All were in agreement that Jack and Lou were thoroughly likeable and they expressed their admiration that Jack had dedicated so many years to the treatment of fellow emergency workers.
"I wonder if he's ever had anyone kill themselves," Kieran said idly as he flicked his cigarette over the ashtray.
Richard frowned. "I doubt it."
"How can you be certain? Surely someone must have been pushed over the edge."
Duncan glanced at Jenny before he spoke. All the men, bar Kieran, felt like they should shield her from more extreme conversations that an all male group would often indulge in. This topic, given their circumstances, seemed insensitive to say the least. "Kieran, I don't think this is really…"
"How would you do it?" the Irishman persisted before the other man could finish. "If you were going to top yourself, I mean."
"Shut up," Danny growled suddenly, eyeing Kieran with increasing distaste.
"What's up, Murphy?" he replied with a hint of a smirk. "It's just a hypothetical situation. Me? I'd go in style. In front of a train or off a building or something like that."
"Give it a rest, Kieran," Richard said sharply, sick of the other man's abrasive and antagonistic manner.
In response, Kieran shrugged unapologetically before downing the rest of his drink. "Well, I'm outta here," he said, standing and cracking his knuckles noisily. Five sets of eyes watched him leave with varying degrees of disbelief.
"Hmph," Richard snorted as Kieran left the restaurant. "I can't see how he's made any progress. If he thinks he's got better then he's lying to himself."
Dee stiffened at the comment, which brought his own situation back to his attention, before Danny responded.
"Well I don't know how we'd ever see a difference. I bet he's always been a prick."
"He can be different," Jenny said. "I've chatted to him a couple of times and I think there's more that's happened than he's willing to let on, to us anyway."
"Well he's stupid," Duncan said, having found his own therapy a positive experience. "What does he expect to gain by holding things back? He may as well not have come at all."
Dee was quiet for the rest of the evening; notably so but when the others asked, he claimed his physiotherapy session had left him exhausted. An early night seemed a good idea, which he attempted but failed at miserably as the clock rolled around to four am and he still hadn't managed to get to sleep. He was tempted to ring Ryo but for the past week and a half he had kept up the pretence that things were going well and he didn't want to destroy his lover's belief that he was getting better by phoning him and sharing his fears.
Lou had stopped alluding to the memory he had half remembered in her presence, although he could tell that she didn't like having to let it lie. It was obvious she didn't believe him; he could see it in her face. Some times she looked faintly annoyed; other times there was a pleading behind her dark eyes that came close to breaking down his self imposed defences.
He awoke with a feeling of abject confusion. He didn't remember falling asleep let alone slipping into a dream, which quickly became an all too familiar nightmare. Waking in a state of panic made the details sketchy but Dee could remember the basics as if it were indelibly etched into his brain. It went thus: Ryo was still worried about him and felt he had to look after him. As a result, Ryo hid things from him. The dream would still have been a nightmare if his lover's subterfuge had simply damaged their relationship, but the outcome was much, much worse. Because of not wanting to worry his vulnerable lover, Ryo had took a risk and been hurt, fatally so. Dee had felt the tears on his cheeks as he awoke, but despite the muddle, one thing remained resolutely clear. The awful truth had to stay buried, for Ryo as well as himself.
"Nothing happened," Dee whispered quietly in the darkness of his room, hoping that if he repeated the mantra often enough, he could do a better job of convincing himself of the fact than he had his psychologist.
The fourth week had an air of finality to it. The mood in the group seemed brighter as they left their pasts behind and concentrated on the here and now; problem solving with their new-found skills any potential difficulties they might have back at work. With this new confidence came a desire to get back into the field, to test the coping abilities that they had developed. The last few days seemed a mere formality; all the healing they had needed to do was done or so it seemed. Nobody realised that for two members of the group, things were about to completely turn on their heads.
Dee had missed the morning session because of his hospital appointment, Julie pushing him hard to bear more weight on his recovering leg after a punishing session in the gym. The exercises helped, but Dee still found he needed to rely on his upper body and the cane Julie swapped his crutch for in order to get around. At lunch, he returned to the hotel and met the others returning from their group session. Immediately he knew something was wrong as Danny stormed through the reception with the others following in his wake.
"Go on, Murphy. Run like you always do!" Kieran growled, despite protestations from the others to shut up. Clearly, this had gone on throughout the morning. Dee was close by when Danny suddenly turned and lunged at Kieran, the hotel staff watching in horror at the scene unfolding before them in the busy reception area.
"Danny, stop!" Dee yelled, automatically grabbing the younger man's arm as it whizzed past his head. He couldn't stop it latching onto Kieran's clothing but the inevitable pushing and shoving unbalanced him and he fell, landing awkwardly, the metal in the brace digging into his leg.
"Fuck!" he cried, clutching the now throbbing limb, his eyes closed tightly against the pain that made his head swim.
"Now look what you've done!" Duncan said angrily as Jenny dropped to the floor and threw her arms around Dee's shoulders.
"Dee, honey? Are you okay?" she asked.
His pain-filled expression had caused the two brawling men to stop. Danny looked mortified.
"Dee! Oh shit, Dee. I'm sorry."
"It's okay," the dark haired man replied, waving off Danny's concern. When the pain eased slightly, he accepted Duncan and Jenny's assistance in getting to his feet. "Let's go out for dinner on our own tonight. We can talk then. Come and call for me at six."
Danny nodded, glaring one last time at Kieran before he headed off to his room. The Irishman mumbled an apology before he too left, Richard going with him to check that he didn't go after Danny, even though he said he wouldn't. Seeing Dee was reluctant to put weight on his leg, Duncan let the American lean on him as they headed for the elevator. Jenny came too, anxious to see that Dee was okay.
"Wouldn't you think they could've played nice with only a few days to go?" Dee said in disbelief as they reached the first floor.
Jenny nodded but looked troubled. "Kieran's been in a weird mood lately. I don't know… something's wrong. I'm worried about him."
"Have you talked to either Jack or Lou?" Duncan asked as he helped Dee into his room.
"I'm going to speak to Lou later," she replied, easing Dee onto his bed so the movement jarred him as little as possible. "Now Dee, do you need some painkillers?"
He nodded, wanting the discomfort to go away. He directed her to the medication next to his bed and she fetched him a glass of water to take the pills with. Having been a nurse before she became a paramedic, Jenny recognised that the medication would knock him out. Knowing he was due to meet Danny that evening, she set his alarm clock before covering him with a blanket.
He awoke several hours later, feeling sluggish from the effects of the drugs, but noting with some relief that the pain in his leg had gone. Gingerly he rose, and started to get ready for the evening, determined to talk to Danny and find out what had gone on with him and Kieran; tell him to lay off the other man after what Jenny had said. Six o'clock came and went and Danny still hadn't arrived. Dee reasoned he was probably in the bar, drinking away his anger, oblivious to the time. Half past six rolled around and Dee was growing edgy. He'd already done his insulin and hated leaving it too long before he ate. As he paced, he took the opportunity to practise the exercises Julie had taught him, relieved to find that his fall earlier hadn't done any damage.
He was frustrated to find how badly his balance had been affected, but as Julie had explained, he had approximately thirty percent muscle wastage and it would take time to build his strength back. Tiring of moving back and forth in the hotel room, Dee glanced at his watch and decided Danny would have done enough drinking by now. He'd have to go and get him.
As he moved to the door, he heard voices in the corridor beyond, his ears catching the end of an anxious sounding conversation.
"I've just seen someone," he heard a female voice say, "up on the top floor. He was going up to the roof."
"You mean an employee?" her male companion replied.
"No, he looked like a guest and well…"
"Well what?"
"He looked… I dunno…. agitated I guess." There was a pregnant pause before the female continued. "You don't think…?"
"Maybe we should go and report it," came the reply before footsteps headed off down the corridor.
In his room, Dee froze, recalling the conversation he'd had with Jenny. "Kieran!" he said with a gasp, flinging open the door and moving as fast as he could into the corridor. Fortunately the elevator was nearby and he rode it to the top floor, mentally willing it to go faster. What was it Kieran had said the other night at dinner? 'Me? I'd go in style. In front of a train or off a building or something like that.' The doors eventually glided open on the seventh landing. From there it was a flight of stairs up to the roof; a fire escape that was normally out of bounds for guests.
The door was closed as Dee approached but that was no indication of whether anyone had passed through or not. Dee cursed under his breath at his slow progress up the iron stairs. Even ground was enough of a challenge for his weakened leg so he certainly wasn't up to climbing stairs and the exertion made him perspire. His mind raced with possibilities of what he'd find when he reached the roof. Would he be too late? He could only pray as he gritted his teeth and climbed that Kieran hadn't done anything stupid. As a cop, he had been trained to negotiate with suicidal individuals and he knew he had a duty to do but his heart still hammered at the thought and he couldn't help but wish that Danny had just shown up on time.
He reached the door at the top of the steps and pushed it open, letting in a rush of cold air. It was still light but the skies were grey, giving the appearance of premature darkness. A light rain had started to fall, making visibility poor as Dee scanned the roof, his eyes eventually coming to rest on a figure stood precariously close to the railings, the hood of his top pulled up over his head. His fears were confirmed as the other seemed to be preparing himself to jump. Dee hissed at the uselessness of his leg as he started forward and stumbled, catching himself at the last moment, his cane barely keeping him upright.
The noise of the traffic down below drowned out his footsteps and Dee was conscious not to startle the other man. He shortened the distance between them, so that conversation was possible before he spoke, his voice employing a calmness that he certainly didn't possess.
"Kieran? Kieran, it's Dee."
The figure jumped and spun around at the sound of the voice behind him. The surprise at finding someone there was nothing compared to Dee's however.
"Danny?" he said, staring at the angst-ridden face before him in disbelief.
"Stay away, Dee," came the younger man's rasping response, his tears lost on his rain soaked face. "It's too late."
TBC…