Crash and Burn – So Far Away
Chapter 6 – Believing
"Danny?" he said, staring at the angst-ridden face before him in disbelief.
"Stay away, Dee," came the younger man's rasping response, his tears lost on his rain soaked face. "It's too late."
"Danny, please," Dee implored, his heart racing as he tried to keep his fear from his voice. He swallowed hard, forcing his mind to recall him training. "Danny, I'm not moving, just please get back so we can talk."
"No," the other sobbed. "Goddamnit, Dee! You won't make me change my mind."
"But the course…" Dee said, trying to understand what had driven the other to this point. "You've made so much progress."
"But I haven't! Every fucking day, I see my friends dying and begging God not to let it happen! I can't live like that, Dee, I can't! I'm just hiding behind this damn mask! Pretending to be happy when I'm not…. I'm not."
Dee's heart skipped a beat as Danny seemed to lean towards the edge. "But what about Lisa? She's pregnant! What d'you think this will do to her?" he asked, desperately trying to make Danny see sense.
The younger man looked skyward, pain on his face at the mention of his childhood sweetheart. He'd contemplated suicide on and off ever since the tragic callout but he'd never come this close before. The PTSD programme had been his last hope and as it came to an end and the nightmares remained, in his mind he was left with that one awful alternative.
"She'll get over it," he said quietly, gazing at the busy streets below.
Dee shook his head, pushing damp hair off his face. "You don't believe that, I know you don't."
Danny's blank expression suddenly turned angry, ire contorting his normally boyish features. "Don't lecture me, Dee! You're going home to your perfect life with Ryo, all cured and ready to go back to work. I know you had a fucking hard time of it, but you're okay now. You talked, told them everything and they made it all better. Me? I'm still the same old fucked up Danny that I was before! You're the one that's made progress, not me."
Dee looked away from Danny's accusing stare. He studied the ground for several empty moments before he looked up again. "You're wrong…" he said quietly, "I haven't made any progress at all."
"Don't lie, Dee…"
"I'm not." He didn't want to do this but he knew now wasn't the time for half-truths. "There are… things that I haven't said; things I couldn't say. Things that will haunt me forever, Danny, no matter how much I try to pretend that they didn't happen."
"Like what?" Danny asked, finally taking his eyes of the edge as he turned to face Dee, his own fate temporarily forgotten.
Dee hesitated; the defensive barriers he'd worked hard to erect over the last couple of weeks not fully crumbled yet. "I… I can't," he stuttered, feeling vulnerable at the suggestion.
Danny met his comment with a humourless smile. "They maybe we should both jump."
Dee inhaled slowly, his eyes closed tightly against the memories that had no place being there. When he opened them again, Danny was still watching him closely, clearly curious about what had his American friend so shaken.
"When I was being held hostage… there was someone else. Someone who came to check on me one time. He was a friend of the other brother, the one they had in custody. He said Liam… the guy that kidnapped me, was going to hurt Ryo, but he could stop him; talk him out of it because Liam owed him a favour. He would do that if…" He stopped and closed his eyes again, forcing himself to say the words he had avoided since the dreadful memories had resurfaced. "… if I agreed to let him touch me."
He opened his eyes expecting to see disgust on his companion's face but Danny looked sympathetic. The look however did little to sooth his troubled soul.
"I let him, Danny. I let him touch me." He ignored the tear that ran down his cheek. "I didn't shout, scream, try and fight him off, anything. I let him."
"But he was blackmailing you, Dee," Danny said firmly. "It wasn't your fault some sick bastard took advantage of you; anyone could see that."
"But I can't remember everything… what if he wanted more and I let him… Oh Jesus…"
"Then it was rape. You can't be responsible for what happened."
"But I am! It was my choice." He was sobbing now but didn't care. "Trust me, Danny, I've thought of suicide. I nearly did it! I was this close; this fucking close to giving myself way too much insulin so I didn't have to think of this shit anymore! I just thought, Ryo'll be fine. He'll get over it, but he wouldn't, just like Lisa wouldn't. They'd always be thinking that maybe if they'd said something else, done something different then we wouldn't have done it. And even though this feels unbearable, it can't be as bad as knowing I hurt Ryo so much."
Danny's features clenched together, his mind in turmoil. He'd been set to jump; damn, Dee for putting doubts in his head. In his own agitation, Dee moved slightly, unconsciously shifting all his weight onto his recovering leg. He realised almost instinctively what he had done, but as he went to recover, the tip of his cane slipped on the rain-soaked floor and he fell. He let out a cry of surprise; awaiting the pain of when he hit the ground. Danny however was quicker. Seeing Dee about to fall, he jumped forward, catching the other man in his arms and using his own body to cushion the impact. He let out an audible 'oof' as Dee landed on top of him, the American grunting as his leg jarred for the second time that day. They stayed frozen that way until Dee tried to move.
"You okay?" Danny asked, pushing him gently into a sitting position.
"Yeah… thanks," he replied grimacing, although the pain was dulled by the medication he had taken earlier. "I think my physical therapist's gonna kill me though."
Sat in a rain-soaked heap, their arms still around each other, Danny suddenly laughed. "So this isn't a strategy they teach you in police negotiations in the States is it?"
Dee managed a smile. "No."
Their attention was drawn by the sound of footsteps hurrying up the fire escape. Seconds later, Jack Bradford rushed out onto the roof, his features flooding with relief to see the two men sitting on the floor, away from the edge.
"Danny? Dee? Is everything okay?"
The two men looked at each other, silently asking themselves the same question. Eventually Danny turned and nodded, allowing Jack to approach. The older man squatted down on his haunches, studying the two carefully, trying to gauge what was going on.
"I think," Dee said suddenly, pushing his rain-soaked hair from his eyes. "That we both need to do some talking." He looked at Danny who nodded his agreement.
"Let's go then," Jack said with a reassuring smile, standing and assisting Danny in helping Dee to his feet. Slowly the three men came down from the roof, each understanding that something had changed because of the events of the last half an hour.
Dee agreed to let Jack call Lou and she came straight over, anxious to know why she had been called out so late. She hurried in from the rain, her expression anxious as she took the elevator to the first floor. She found Dee alone in his room after Jack had told her where he was. He invited her in and gestured to the remaining armchair, which she took after she had taken off her coat and deposited her umbrella in the bathroom sink.
"Hey Dee," she said, smiling warmly at him as she settled into the chair across from him. "Is something the matter?"
"What has Jack said?" Dee asked, pushing aside the empty plate of his room service meal that Jack had insisted that he order.
"Absolutely nothing, except that you wanted to see me."
Dee nodded, watching as she smoothed down her rain dampened hair. Her makeup was more glamorous than usual and he guessed correctly that she had just been about to go out. Although he felt a little guilty at spoiling her plans, it heartened him that she cared so much about her clients that she would just drop everything and come. For a moment he said nothing, his eyes meeting some random spot on the wall behind her. Then he focussed on her and began to speak.
"Tonight, Danny was going to kill himself," he began, pausing only as she reacted with shock. "Thank God he didn't, but he said he was sick of living and hiding behind a mask. With his happy-go-lucky attitude I guess he had us all fooled. He also said I couldn't possibly know how he felt because I'd made progress and he hadn't. So I came clean; I haven't made progress." He stopped and stared straight at her. "But you knew that already, right?"
"Why'd you say that?" Lou replied, successfully avoiding answering his question.
"Because since that day when I remembered something, you've never stopped telling me to quit hiding. You've always known that there was more than what I told you."
Eventually she nodded. "I couldn't make you tell me, Dee."
Intense green eyes met earnest brown ones. "I know. But now I know I need to, or I'll go home taking all the baggage I brought with me."
"So do you want to talk about it now?" she asked.
"No… but I will."
Lou watched as he laced his fingers together before he unlaced them and ran them through his hair.
"There… there was someone else. I didn't imagine them. It definitely happened."
"It?"
"I was… I was assaulted… sexually. I remember being touched but… well… there are other things I can't remember. Shit, I don't even know if I was…" He stopped and sighed, not wanting to say the word out loud. Lou saved him from his internal struggle.
"Dee? Have you ever seen the hospital reports of your injuries when you were first admitted?"
"No, I haven't."
"You weren't raped, Dee. Is that what you wanted to know?"
Dee closed his eyes tightly and nodded his head.
"The hospital were certain of that."
"You suspected it too though, didn't you?" he asked, opening his eyes at last.
She nodded. "You reacted so strongly when we did that session, but I couldn't say anything in case they were just hallucinations. I just knew something had happened. Even when you said you had hallucinated those new memories, I guess I didn't really believe you."
"I never was a very good liar." Dee managed a humourless smile before his expression darkened again. "But I let the other person touch me because he said he could protect Ryo from Liam Patterson. I wasn't thinking straight, shit… I should have seen right through him."
Lou shook her head. "Do you think you would have made a different decision if you hadn't been so ill?"
Dee contemplated this for a moment. "No, probably not. I'd have endured anything if I thought it would keep Ryo safe."
"Exactly. That's why you can't feel responsible for anything that happened, Dee."
"Easier said than done."
Lou smiled sympathetically. "I know, but you've made a huge and vitally important step by admitting that anything happened at all. The mind will try a number of coping strategies, including denial, which feels like it might work for a while, but it always proves to be counter-productive in the end. The fact that we're here now means you've worked that out for yourself."
"I guess so…"
Lou smiled, studying his tense expression. "Have you had much experience of working with victims of sexual assault and rape, Dee?"
The American shook his head. "Most of the victims I usually get to see are dead," he said with a grimace.
"That's okay, I just didn't want to start telling you things you already know. You've probably had the lectures when you were training; about how sexual assault is about power and violence and not sex, but it's sometimes hard to remember those things if you have to apply it to yourself. That person took advantage of your vulnerability and their knowledge of your love for Ryo was a weapon with which to do it. You may not have physically been beaten into submitting but their threats had the same, if not better, effect."
Dee nodded, understanding what she was saying. If threatened with physical violence, he doubted he would have agreed to let another man near him. He was Ryo's, body and soul and any form of intimacy with another person had become unthinkable the moment he had decided Ryo was 'the one'. Sure, in his incapacitated state he couldn't have fended his attacker off, but at least he could have derived comfort from the fact that he hadn't been led to that terrible fate willingly. But the thought that he could save Ryo from any pain was a far more powerful and dangerous card that his captor held, and when he played it, Dee couldn't help but fold.
Slowly, Lou helped him explore his feelings. Despite his initially calm exterior about events, he had a lot of anger and it took a while for him to release it. Tears soon followed, as he finally accepted and grieved for himself and everything he had been through. He acknowledged how his ordeal had changed him and when he was spent, he realised how much he had needed to let go. Lou was a good listener and she helped him put things in perspective when he found it difficult to see a more positive future for himself.
They talked long into the night and agreed to meet again after lunch the next day. In the morning group, Jack, with Dee and Danny's blessing, told the others what had happened the evening before. Dee had chosen to be present, but Danny had been allowed to rest. The previous evening, he had accepted some sleeping pills in the hope of finally getting a good night's rest without the nightmares that had plagued him for too long. The rest of the group were shocked and vowed to be supportive. They were also relieved that Danny had agreed to continue individual therapy with Jack after the PTSD programme had finished. Dee also, without saying too much, explained that he too was continuing his individual sessions with Lou until he left, after other person issues had come to light for him too.
"He always seemed so cheerful," Richard remarked to Dee as they left the morning session. The American nodded, recalling Danny's comment about wearing 'masks'.
"Yeah, I never saw it either and I spent more time with him than anyone."
"He obviously hid it well," Jenny commented, determined not to let Dee feel bad about what had happened. "And I hope you manage to get everything sorted out too, Dee."
"Yeah, well, at least things are out in the open now," Dee replied, thinking also of his own situation as well and acknowledging his relief that he no longer had to deal with it alone. They parted company as Dee went off to the hospital for another appointment with Julie, his physiotherapist.
Julie was pleased with his progress, especially in the light of his falls the day before. She cut him some slack with his workout, although quickly pointed out that it was only a temporary reprieve, before she let him leave. After a quick lunch, fetched from a nearby deli by Jack's receptionist, Dee met with Lou for another session. The truth had helped clear the air between them and as difficult as the sessions now were, Dee felt that they were definitely moving in the right direction.
They talked for a long time about the guilt that he carried around with him for what had happened and the guilt that he could now see didn't belong to him. Therapy had helped, but it was Danny's predicament that had brought it home to him that the guilt was misplaced, in both of their cases. Seeing Danny beating himself up about things beyond his control helped put his own experience in perspective. He had assented to the man's request and been assaulted as a result, but that didn't make him guilty, and he knew that now. At the time, it had potentially meant the difference between Ryo and Bicky suffering and being left alone and even now, after seeing the mess it had created and the nightmares it had left him with, he knew he wouldn't have decided any differently; while he loved Ryo, his first instinct would always be to protect him.
It was during the session that Dee announced that he had reached a decision regarding his future. Lou nodded and studied him with interest, his whole demeanour indicating his confidence in what he was about to say.
"I've decided that I won't be requesting an investigation into the identity of my attacker. The main perps are behind bars and I don't think I'd gain anything from dragging all this up."
Lou nodded, processing this carefully. "Are you absolutely sure?"
"Certain."
"Okay… what about Ryo? Do you intend to tell him?"
"No." He stopped but saw she wanted him to give his reasoning. "What I need now is normality. I've done all my grieving here and I need to move on. Telling Ryo would just set me back. Can you imagine how he'd feel if I told him I'd been sexually abused trying to protect him? Being abducted and then finding out I was diabetic gave Ryo enough of a reason to treat me like I was made of glass; this would be about a million times worse. I need people to see that I can cope. I know I said that before but this time it's different; I've been taught how to cope and I know I can do it."
Lou smiled, never doubting his sincerity. She could see a difference in him and knew it was a positive change. "You're not unusual in wanting to keep something like this to yourself, Dee and I'm not going to push you to change your mind. All I want you to remember is that you're not weak if you do change your mind in the future."
"I know," he replied, glad that she respected his decision.
"And remember," she continued, "If anything is troubling you once you're home then Jack and I are only a phone call away."
"A damned expensive one!" Dee laughed. "Can I call collect?"
Lou chuckled too. "Only if you don't tell Jack."
"Then it's a deal."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
It felt strange to be packing up; like a month had only been a week and therefore a day would pass by in mere seconds now that time followed this new and expeditious pattern. Dee gathered up his clothes, bundling them into his suitcase along with gifts for everyone; some books and aftershave for Ryo, a t-shirt for Bicky and some perfume for Cal. Next he moved into the bathroom, relying heavily on his cane. He threw away most of the toiletries and turned to leave, but not before catching a glimpse of his bare and newly tattooed back. He smiled at the design, wondering what his lover would make of it when he showed it to him and was amazed all over again that in just under two days time he would be doing just that.
He was leaving Manchester in the morning, catching a flight to London where he would spend the day sightseeing before flying home to New York that evening. He had found out that Jenny was on the same flight as him and when she had offered to show him some of the sights of the UK's capital city before she headed home, he had gratefully accepted. A taxi was due to pick them both up first thing after breakfast and so tonight was their last meal together as a group.
He had finished his insulin when there was a familiar knock at the door. "Come in," he called out, grinning as Danny's head poked around the door.
"Ready to go eat?" he asked, seeing Dee's bags packed.
"Sure am. Man, this is weird. I can't believe we're finally leaving. It's gotta be the shortest month on record!"
"Yeah," Danny replied, scratching his head. "It's been… interesting, I guess."
"But worth it?"
"Yeah," the younger man replied after a moment's consideration. "You?"
Dee nodded as he took to his feet. "Definitely." He winced as he tentatively shifted some weight onto his right leg and Danny caught the look.
"I'm really sorry, Dee, about your leg. If I hadn't had that stupid fight with Kieran…"
Dee smiled. "It's okay. It only aches when I first lean on it. After that it's not too bad. Anyway, you redeemed yourself by catching me when I fell again up on the roof."
Danny nodded. Talking about that incident still felt a little awkward and tonight in particular wasn't the time to dwell on such things. "Come on," he said, letting the catch off the door. "Let's go eat."
They found the others in the hotel restaurant; the three men and one woman smiling warmly as they approached.
"Evening, Dee, Danny," Richard said with a grin as he stood from his seat so they could get to the two vacant places.
They ordered their meals before unanimously agreeing that champagne was a must-have for their final evening together. The others had considered ordering it prior to Dee and Danny's arrival but weren't sure how the two men with last minute issues would take it. It was wonderful therefore, to find celebration on their agendas too. They talked and laughed throughout the evening, their conversation a million miles away from the troubles that had brought them to Manchester almost a month ago.
The mood was further uplifted when, as they were walking through to the bar, Kieran laid a hand on Danny's shoulder. The others watched nervously as Danny stopped and turned, his expression not exactly friendly.
"Danny," Kieran began, "I just want to apologise for, well everything. I guess we just got off on the wrong foot."
The younger man was silent for a moment as he studied the Irishman for any sign that his apology was insincere. Seeing no obvious dishonesty, Danny nodded and accepted Kieran's outstretched hand.
"Buy you a drink?" the Irishman asked.
"Sure, so long as you buy one for everyone," Danny replied, gesturing to the others with a growing smile.
Kieran smiled back and nodded. "Deal."
Later on as they chatted, Kieran's mobile phone rang and he excused himself to go and take the call. When he returned, he was grinning broadly; an expression that suited him much better than the scowl he had worn for the majority of his time in Manchester.
"Drinks are on me again," he said, going straight to the bar before anyone could question the reason for his obvious good mood. When he returned, setting down the tray of drinks, Jenny enquired. "Good news, Kieran?"
"I'd say so," he replied cryptically, still grinning. "That was my girlfriend. She says she wants us to try again when I get home."
The others could see how important this was to him and offered their warm wishes for his future, Danny included as he thought of his own pregnant lover. Before long, it was time to head back to their rooms, some with longer journeys than others the following day. The next time they saw each other was in the restaurant at breakfast the next morning. Duncan, ever the early bird, had been and gone, but they had arranged to meet in the hotel reception to say their final goodbyes. They had decided to leave together, with the exception of Danny, who was staying on to arrange his future sessions with Jack before he went home.
They were all present at check-out time; one corner of the hotel lobby given over to them and their bags as they did their last minute checks that they had everything. They were chatting amicably when the Metropolitan's doorman entered.
"Taxi for Patrick," he announced loudly.
Kieran signalled that he had heard before he turned back to the others. "Well, I guess I'll see you guys," he said shaking hands with each of them until he got to Jenny who instigated a hug. Seeing Danny, he smiled and nodded. "Good luck, Murphy," he said, offering his hand.
"Thanks," Danny replied, taking the proffered appendage and shaking it firmly. "You too."
Gradually the six dwindled to five, then four and then three. When Jenny and Dee's taxi arrived to take them to Manchester Airport, Jenny said her goodbyes to Danny and announced that she would go and wait for Dee in the car, sensing that the two men who had bonded closely over the last month had things to say to each other. When she'd gone, Danny fidgeted and looked down at the floor.
"Well, I guess this is it," he said, glancing up through unruly chestnut bangs. "Thank you, Dee, for everything I mean."
Dee smiled; no good at goodbyes either. "I don't know whether I could have survived this month without you so, thank you. You'll stay in touch?"
"Promise. Well, have a safe journey home, Dee." He stuck out his hand.
The American looked down at it and chuckled before he clasped Danny's wrist and pulled the other man towards him into a hug. Emotion overruled his inhibition and Danny threw his arms around the taller man, returning the solid gesture of friendship. They stayed that way as the seconds passed until eventually they pulled apart, both men smiling.
"You look after yourself, Murphy, or I'll be coming back to personally kick your ass."
Danny laughed and slapped him on the back. "Sure. With that leg? You better get it working properly then, hadn't you?"
"You better believe it," Dee chuckled. "And listen, if you and Lisa ever fancy a trip to New York then I can hook you up with a place to stay, so long as you don't mind sharing with a couple of gay guys."
"I thought you weren't gay?"
A couple of people turned to look as Dee laughed. "Finally you're catching on!"
Danny shook his head and smiled as he reached for Dee's suitcase. "Come on, Latener. Let's get you home."
Dee climbed into the taxi, taking one last look at the hotel that had been his home for the past four weeks. With the window wound down, his eyes came to rest on Danny, stood on the pavement, still grinning.
"Ring me when you become a dad, huh?"
If possible, Danny's grin grew even broader. "Will do. Will you be up for babysitting?"
"You paying the airfare?"
"Not likely!"
"Guess not then," he grinned. "Bye, Danny. Look after yourself."
"You too!" the younger man called out as the taxi started to pull away. Dee and Jenny waved until the vehicle rounded a corner and Danny and the hotel disappeared from sight.
Dee turned to his female companion as she sighed, a contented expression on her face. "It'll be good to be home, don't you think?" she said, seeing Dee watching her.
"Yeah," he replied, smiling as he thought of his lover, his home, his friends, even Bicky. "Yeah it will."
His heart lifted as he saw the first sign for the airport, knowing that soon, he would be back where he belonged. He knew without a doubt that the PTSD course had been necessary; it had helped him deal with the past, but now he had to look to the future. A future with Ryo… he smiled at the thought as he watched the world fly by beyond the car window. He could picture his lover's face, and in his mind, he spoke to the vision, knowing his imagined words would have to do for now.
Wait for me, Ryo. I'm coming home.
End