I walk from the building, as if on auto-pilot, I feel utterly disconnected from the world around me, because surely, this is a dream?
No wait…….a nightmare.
Francie drives us back to the apartment, and wisely says nothing, she knows me well enough to see that there are no words. No words from her at least, that can make it better.
Not yet, not until I am ready to open up.
I hug my knees tight to my chest, squashing the sports bag, which was resting on my legs. I close my eyes, I feel safer like this, all curled up, nothing can get me here, nothing except the darkness of my thoughts.
I jump from my seat, and head for the door, pushing it open I half walk, half jog to the outer door. I scan the car park, but she isn't there, she isn't anywhere around. I raise my hand to my head and rub my brow, "Shit." I look to my left and see Jess also scanning the car park.
"She gone?"
"Yeah."
"Shit."
"I know. What should I do?"
"Follow her? You know where she lives, right?"
"Too risky."
"Call her."
I fish my phone from my pocket, and take a step back, leaning against the wall for support. I dial the number, and listen to the ringing, both from the phone and in my ears.
I jump up, my head hitting the ceiling. The bag that had been peacefully holding onto had begun to vibrate manically, the phone inside indicating that someone was ringing me. I stare at it for a while…thinking.
I glance at Francie, and notice I've just received my second "have you completely lost your mind" look from her, because of course, she does not know about the phone.
"The phones vibrating."
She raises an eyebrow at me, "Well aren't you going to answer it?"
I sigh.
Do I want to answer it?
Well….I do want to talk about what happened.
And who with?
With Vaughn.
So I should answer it.
But what if he just laughs at me, tells me about that girl. Breaks my heart.
So I wont answer it.
But I do want to talk about what happened.
And who with?
With Vaughn.
So I should answer it.
But what if he just laughs at me, tells me about that girl. Breaks my heart.
So I wont answer it.
But I do want to talk about what happened.
And who with?
With Vaughn.
So I should answer it.
But what if he just laughs at me, tells me about that girl. Breaks my heart.
It doesn't matter anyway. Because the phone has stopped, and thankfully the cycle in my brain stops with it.
We are enshrouded in silence once again, as I pull the offending phone from my bag, and click it off. I turn to look at Francie and smile, at least I have her. My best friend.
"No answer."
"Try again?"
"I guess." And so I do.
"Hey." Her voice fills my head and I nearly start to speak, but then, "I'm not here right now, but leave a message and I'll get back to you. Thanks."
"Well?"
"Answer machine, must have turned it off."
"Or have no signal, try again."
"There's no point." I sigh, "She obviously doesn't want to talk to me."
My mind aches. But I know that there's no medication that will make it better.
"Don't worry about it, I'm sure she'll come to her senses soon enough. Things like this always work themselves out."
"But it didn't need working out, we were fine as we were. Why? Why did you have to bring me here and mess everything up, admitting that we love each other can only lead to disaster."
"What are you talking about? Love is a good thing!"
"Maybe for some people, but not for us."
"No, love is good for everyone, it's like a fire burning deep inside, it keeps you warm and happy, makes you glow. Even in the dark times, it lights the path, and true love, like the love I saw between you two, will keep on burning even with all the pressure, and foes, that are trying to blow it out."
I raise an eyebrow, unconvinced.
"Give it up little sis, you only know half the story."
"No, I won't let you throw away this chance at happiness."
"It wouldn't be happy, it would be…"
What would it be? Ok, I guess it would start of happy, exhilarating in fact, but could we cope with all the lies, juggling our time, never being able to meet openly? Would we last? Because I don't want a fling with her, I want forever.
"…Great?" She offers.
"No, …Death."
"What?"
"Nothing," I say, as I chuck her the keys to the car, she gives me a questioning look, and so I explain "My friend, Wiess, lives just up the street from here, I'm going to go have a couple of beers with him." And a chat about a certain person.
"Your dumping me? What am I supposed to do for the rest of the night?"
I shrug and start to walk away.
Sydney's POV
My minds made up. I'll open up to Fran, I glance across again, and sigh, it's been so long that I barely remember how to start.
"I love him." Saying it out loud, somehow makes it real, and I feel one of the tears which had been threatening to spill from my eyes, dribble down my cheek.
"I know." I knew she knew, I would have thought it odd if she hadn't realised this, given my behaviour. "Why didn't you tell me about him?"
I laugh softly, she's going to love this answer, "Work".
I reach up, tucking the loose bit of hair behind my ear, and brace myself for her reply. She's shaking her head, "Work! Bloody work! I should have guessed really, that job of yours has taken over your life, it's ruining our friendship, I mean, I thought it was bad when you went away all the time, but now its stopping you opening up to me, I thought we were friends, Best friends! I share everything with you, Sydney, everything, and you can't even share that your seeing someone, no wait, that your in love with someone." She stops for breath, I try to interject, try to explain, but she's already continuing, her voice, once raised to a shout has died to a whisper, "maybe we should just give it up."
"Give it up?" I say in disbelief.
"Stop pretending were such good friends, I don't know you anymore" she pauses "you've changed" she stops again, thinking, I realise I'm witnessing some kind of internal battle, and eventually I watch her make a decision, "maybe you should move out, go live with lover boy."
"You want me to move out?" My voice shakes, as I say it.
" No Syd, I don't want it, but maybe that's what it's come down to because we're practically strangers."
"Lover boy!! You saw him back there, he's hardly my lover, he was with that, that, dumb blond bitch. I would have told you, no wait, I should have told you, but don't you see there was nothing to tell, he's not mine, he can never be mine." I take a deep breath, "All I can ever be is on the side lines, I can never be in the game. And yes, it's because of my work, but Francie, work is important to me, and the rules are there for a reason. Fran, I know that you hate my work, but if you understood what it is I do everyday, how much I help people, how I change the world"
"You're a bloody banker, what the hell are you talking about! Changing the world is for superheroes." We pull into the drive and as she cuts the engine, she adds, "unless of course, you are a superhero, maybe your living some kind of double life, and every time you whirl of to New York or Chicago you're actually fighting evils and saving lives." The sarcasm oozes from her mouth, and she turns to end her speech with a cutting glare, but when her eyes meet mine, she falters, and I realise I have not controlled my features very professionally. "Oh – my – god, your not are you?" she turns away, grips the steering wheel, and lowers her head to her hands, "Oh – my – God. I can't believe I didn't see it before. It all makes sense now."
It has taken me a minute to regain control, "No" I pause, getting my thoughts together, "No, don't be stupid, I couldn't fight a person, I mean I can barely throw a punch, and, and your right, I'm being silly, I don't change lives, I'm just a banker, who's really delusional. Fran?" I touch her shoulder, "Fran?" She doesn't look at me, she simply turns away, opens the door, and climbs out from the car.
I watch as she climbs the steps to our apartment and pulls out her key. She looks back at me, a sad glint in her eye, then she signals to me to follow her. And so I climb from the car and trudge up the stairs, they seem steeper than they did earlier today, but I guess that tonight I'm just more weighed down with all my problems.
I enter the house, I can't see Francie in the lounge or the kitchen, and now that I'm alone I can feel the hysteria rising up inside me, I slam the door shut behind me, and run to my room, diving onto the bed and burying my head under the pillow.
Only now do I let myself go, tears stream from my eyes, sobs flow from my mouth, I punch my bed and my rack my brains in order to work out where my life went so wrong. I stay like this until, there are no more tears, my throat is sore, feathers from the pillows litter my floor and my brain aches from all the thoughts. I curl up tight in a ball, eyes clenched shut, concentrating on my breathing.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
Click.
Creak.
Shuffle.
In.
Out.
"Hey man, What brings you here?"
I shrug, "Just fancied a beer."
"Or two?"
"Or three." I say, as he gestures for me to come inside.
I slouch onto his couch, and take the beer he's already handing me.
"So, what's up?"
"Ceiling." I reply and take a swig of beer. Don't judge me, I know it's a lame joke, but I feel like avoiding the issue until I'm ever so slightly more drunk.
Taking a second huge swig, I grab the remote and start channel hopping, finally stopping on a mindless sports quiz.
"Make yourself at home, why don't you?" I grin at him, having already kicked my shoes off and rested my feet on his coffee table.
2 bottles of beer and half an unwatched sports show later…
"Syd back yet?"
I nod. "You seen her? Did she get the artifact?"
I shrug. "Saw her just before."
"Is that the reason for the surprise visit?"
I frown.
Change the subject.
"Is Jess still in town?"
I nod.
"Ah, I feel honoured that you chose time with me over time with her." He grins at me, and I return it half-heartedly.
"She pissed me off. Made me go to this freak show, so I could "get a life"."
"Freak show?"
I carry on ignoring him.
"I already have a life, well I did at least, until she managed to mess it up by making Syd mad at me."
"Wh… what?" He replies choking slightly on his mouthful of beer.
"She as good as told me she loved me, then she stormed off, and now she's turned her phone off. It's not like I can even go over there, even though I really want to because it's too dangerous, just like the whole idea of us." I pause to think. "I just hate to think that I've made her cry, hate to think that right now she might be sat there hating me."
"Why might she hate you?"
"Because I didn't go over and talk to her...sigh...What should I do?" I start to stand "I'm going to go over there."
He places a hand on my chest and pushes me back down onto the couch. "No you aren't. You're going to sit here and tell me the whole story."
And so I do. And in the process we get very drunk, and come to the conclusion that I can talk to her tomorrow because our relationship can wait, it's always waited before.
Francie has entered my room, and tip toed to my bed. I see her standing over me. And feel a knot of fear in my stomach,
Is she going to throw me out?
I stay still, listening now to another person breathing.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
Sigh.
She reaches down and pulls a blanket over me. I still don't move, waiting to hear her voice.
"I'm really sorry that I gave you such a hard time, it's not what you needed to hear."
She pauses for a while, as though she is collecting her thoughts,
"When Charlie and I broke up you were so good to me, so calm, so helpful, you stopped it hurting. And now," a pause " now, that your heart is breaking all I can do is argue. So Syd, I'll try and accept your job, and I'll try to stop demanding answers to questions which I obviously can't comprehend. I know that you love me and would only hold back if there was a genuine reason for it. I just hope that one day, you can stop being a superhero, and come back down to earth. I love you sweetie." her voice breaks, and she lets out a sob,
She begins tucking the blanket around me but I push it away, I sit up and pull her tightly into a hug,
"Thankyou." I tear dribbles down my cheek, it seems that there are still some left inside me. "I love you so much, I don't know what I would do without you."
"If you ever want to talk, you know that I'll always listen."
I nod, and sit back on my bed shuffling around to find a comfy position. I study my room, my curtains are drawn, and my bug killer is positioned safely in the lamp to my right, I take a big breath, "You want to hear about him?"
Her turn to nod and then to settle down on my bed.
"He's called Michael, he works in another department at the bank…."
An hour, 1 bottle of wine and a tub of ice cream later…
"But I have to have a meeting with him tomorrow, and I don't want tooooooo. Oh – my – god, and there's bound to be a meeting when it's just us at some point this week, I can't handle it, I can't." sob.
"ssshhhh I know, I know, but it will be fine, you can pretend nothing happened,"
"But it did." Sob.
"You could always be ill, and stay here with me." The thought had crossed my mind.
"I can't do that."
"Hmm… of course you've got to go be a superhero." Her tone of voice isn't malicious, as I would have once expected, now it's resigned.
I sigh, but it turns into a sob.
"And my best friend hates me, because I have a crappy job, which takes me away from her all the time."
"Noooo, noooo, sssshhh that's not true"
I turn to her, my eyes pleading, "I know you hate my job, I know that, but Fran you can't hate it more than me, no one can hate it like I do. I hate the people, the lies, the rules, I hate my boss, and, and I hate…"
"sssshhh Syd, calm down"
Francie lies beside me, having recently drifted into slumber. I glance at the curtains, noting the strip on light beaming from behind them and lighting a small patch of floor. I allow my heavy lids to drop down, shutting out the world.
I'll just rest my eyes, then I'll have to get up for my morning jog.
Pause
Buzz What the hell is that noise. I reach a hand tentatively to my pounding head.
Pause Thank god it stopped.
Pause I sit up straight in bed, is it Vaughn?
Bang I stand up, my knees wobbly, I guess I'd have to find out.
Pause
Bang Okay, okay, enough already, I'm coming as fast as I can.
Pause
Bang I stumble around, searching for my keys.
Pause
Bang, Buzz, "Sydney" It's not Vaughn's voice; I feel a strange cocktail of relief but also of sadness.
Pause
Bang, Buzz, "Sydney"
Bang, Buzz, "Sydney"
I stuff the key into the lock, turn it clockwise and drag the door open.
Love it, hate it!?
Please R/R