22. Feathers

Morning dew. Refreshing, resurrecting, cool dampness that made his trouser legs go wet. He knelt on the green mattress of grass that was now bathing in the early sunshine. A couple of silvery cobwebs glimmered with the water pearls under the light, tightly sticking to the hays. The flowers were yet to open their colourful petals, and the meadow seemed dormant. Only one early maroon butterfly had ventured to wake up at this ungodly hour.

"What have I done?"

It was a halfway rhetorical question. Draco followed the butterfly with his gaze, squeezing the sword by his side.

But he would not kill this time.

"What did I do to you, Harry? Why did it end up like this?"

Draco felt the dampness seep through his trousers as he sat on the moist ground. But he didn't care.

"I said so much stupid things to you."

Raising his pale face towards the rising sun, Draco closed his eyes and let his guilty mind capture his soul.

"It was only one stupid kiss, after all. It wasn't a huge sin. And I acted like a stupid teenager."

Wait! You are a stupid teenager! said a voice in his head.

"Shut up. Besides, I was very drunk."

Not an excuse…

"Shut up."

Bringing the gleaming sabre in front of him, Draco read the name on its blade. Draco Lucius Malfoy.

"What does that name mean to you?" he asked himself, out loud. "Except that you're destined to be an evil, sneaky and devilish bastard with bad faith in everyone. Maleficus, you also bring bad faith to everyone. Go home and get yourself killed, Draco."

He allowed the sharp blade cut his ivory skin, right above his wrist.

"You didn't want to fall in love, because you thought love was a weakness," Draco spoke to his own reflection, which was shimmering in the blade's surface. "And more because you were afraid nobody would ever really love you back."

The blood slowly started to dribble down his forearm, and the sharp edge of the sword shone bright red.

"Just a smooth, shallow cut… It hurts you, but it doesn't kill you."

You're completely insane, did you know that? You've lost your mind. Go see Pomfrey. Or better yet, a real therapist.

"Shut up."

Let's see. Just a shallow cut, eh? Hurts, but doesn't kill? Is that what you think of Harry now?

"I said, shut up."

Draco suddenly sprung on his feet and turned around, wanting to face the retreating night sky. The horizon in the west was still nearly black.

"He said he loved me," Draco said silently. "I didn't believe him."

Of course you didn't, you idiotic, cocky prick! You don't know what that word even means. Or do you?

"Yes I do," Draco cried indignantly at the empty meadow. "Otherwise it wouldn't hurt this much, would it?"

Ooh, progress! Are you going to admit yourself that you're miserable without him?

"No, of course not. I'm in denial, remember."

Oh, of course. How stupid of me.

"Shut the fuck up, will you! I'm really trying to process this matter, and your shitty remarks don't help one little bit!"

Do you realise you're arguing against your own fucking mind, Draco? Now tell me, is that completely sane?

"Of course it is. Everything a Malfoy does is always completely sane and reasonable."

Sure it is.

"Yeah."

Draco swung the sword through the air, brought his lips to the wound on his wrist and licked it clean.

Insane.

"Shut up. There's one thing I must do now."

**

Elsewhere, away from Draco Malfoy and his rant against his own mind, was a dark-haired boy, huddled in a corner. He was shaking with misery, but his eyes were dry of tears. He had cried those tears out until there came no more, and now he was just shaking. Harry Potter was hyperventilating with an overdose of sorrow.

Harry had escaped the Slytherin dormitories up to the Owelry after Draco had thrown him out. There, in the darkness, he had spent the rest of his night, Hedwig hooting comfortable noises in his ear.

"I lost him, Hedwig," Harry said silently, the one sentence he had let out over fifty times already during the morning hours. "I really lost him."

Harry was completely cold, since he was still in his party outfit, and the Owelry had no fireplace. But he thought he deserved every bit of the chillness. Luckily the dampness of the morning did not reach the high tower, nor did the haze that floated over the lake, which is why Harry avoided having flu another time that autumn.

Draco Malfoy's picture was blazing behind Harry's closed lids, never wavering. The aristocratic features, sharp steely eyes, full and soft mouth, milky skin with a little shimmering scar under the left eye...

A loose feather landed on Harry's nose, and he took it in between his fingers. It was silvery.

"Nocens?"

A grey eagle owl had just perched himself on the windowsill, claws and beak coloured with something dark red. Obviously it had been hunting, and had now returned to get some rest.

"You are so beautiful," Harry sighed. "Just like your owner."

Straightening his rigid-gone body, Harry sat up in a better position. He reached out his hand at Nocens.

"Would you let me touch you? It would be wonderful to touch something that is his."

The eagle owl cocked its head, lifted his left leg and stretched its toes, oozing faked indifference.

"Please?" Harry shot his ever-green gaze at the bird.

Nocens gracefully made a circle in the Owelry and then landed on Harry's knee. Hedwig went rampant, and started to fly around the other owl, trying to shoo it away.

"Calm down, Hedwig," Harry scowled at his snowy princess. "I want him here."

Hedwig looked at Harry, clearly very insulted, and winged its way up on a perch above Harry's head.

"So…" Harry smiled at the eagle owl. "How's your night been going? Mine was awful."

Nocens eyed Harry suspiciously.

"I see you've been busy hunting," Harry smiled fondly at the eagle owl. "I tried hunting as well, but didn't catch my prey. He got away."

Hedwig hooted and Nocens dug its claws deeper in Harry's knee. Harry didn't even flinch.

"You know, Nocens, I'm terribly in love with your master," he started, looking severely at the bird. "I know he's an overconfident git, but that's exactly what makes him so irresistible. His tantrums, his scowls, the rough way he handles me. He isn't afraid of me the way the others are. He doesn't give a fuck about the fact that I'm famous, because he is famous too. He doesn't give a fuck about my feelings, because he's only seeking for his own pleasure, which suits me fine. I am sick of people trying to make me feel better, trying to console me because of what Voldemort has done, trying to cheer me up."

Harry held a break.

"But Draco's not like that. He ignores me the best part, and when he doesn't, he shags me senseless. Or vice versa. Pure, unadulterated passion. And that… That has changed into love, on my part. Only because there was no reason for it to turn into love. There was no pressure. There were no ties. No promises."

The Owelry was silent, except for some barely audible hoots from the high perches.

"And do you know what happened next, Nocens? No, of course you don't," Harry sighed, examining the majestic eagle owl's chest feathers. "Well, anyway, I made the most stupid mistake of my life. I tried to teach my best friend how to kiss. It wasn't anything from my part or his, it was just one stupid awful kiss, and it spoiled everything. It insulted your master very much, and he dumped me."

Harry hit his left fist hard against the floor, so that it hurt. At that, a picture fluttered out of Harry's arms. Nocens ruffled his neck feathers.

"It's my happiest memory," Harry explained, weakly smiling, "My dearest and happiest memory. It was taken last Halloween."

The picture-Draco closed his eyes in bliss when the picture-Harry shoved a tongue in his mouth. Nocens blinked.

"He tastes so good, you know… He's like a mixture of everything I find delicious. Cinnamon and vanilla, because of his cigarettes… and then there's this one genuine flavour, hard to explain… so enticing…"

Harry sighed and picked the picture up, pressing it against his heart.

"I really miss him, you know," Harry confessed. "I've been only a few hours apart from him, and yet I'm dying to see him again. Even if the only thing he'd descend to give me was a finger."

Nocens looked uncomfortable and shifted its weight from foot to another.

"It's okay," Harry said, "You can go if you like. I won't ask you to deliver him any messages. I know he'd throw them in the fireplace without even opening them."

The eagle owl didn't move.

"Really, you can go," Harry said, smoothing its silvery, although slightly ruffled feathers. "And I'm thankful that you stayed with me this short while."

Hedwig let out a snorting sound, and Nocens glared at the owl. Then the eagle owl spread its magnificent wings and took off, flying out of the tower window.

"Take care of him," Harry shouted after the bird, before turning again to himself. "Heaven knows I couldn't," he muttered.

It was a bright morning. Harry took slow steps towards the Owelry door, yawning. The floor creaked under his feet as he tried to dodge some dead mice and other remnants of the owls' meals. And then, suddenly out of the darkness of the high ceiling, a large eagle owl flew in front of him, landing on his arm. Harry noticed that its feathers were smooth and silken, its beak and claws completely clean of blood. It even looked sleepy.

"Nocens? I thought you just…"

Harry fell silent, understanding he hadn't been talking to Nocens at all.

**

Draco breathed rapidly, tired after transforming back to his own self.

"He loves me, and truly regrets what he's done."

Some silvery feathers were still stuck on his cloak, and he smoothed them away quickly.

"I must forgive him," Draco decided.

But you want to tease him too. A little revenge.

"Hmm… Not a bad idea."

Of course not, silly brat, you made it! But what is it with that revengeful nature of yours?

"What do you mean?"

You just won't go and find him, kiss him and tell him that it's all right. You just have to be a heartless bastard.

Draco combed his white hair back from his eyes with his fingers and smirked.

"Oh, I can't change overnight, you know."

…TBC…