A/N- It's been said that you have to be quite secure to engage in self-mockery. We're testing that theory. We're all about the self-mock…all about it, I say.

Disclaimer: They're not ours. The people, that is. The pants are ALL ours.

The Chinos - Chapter Five

Summer and Seth are arguing behind me as I walk down the hall toward my history class.

It's the end of the day and they've been snapping at each other the whole time. Finally, I've had enough. I stop in my tracks and they bump into me.

"What the hell, Chino?" Summer snaps.

"It doesn't matter who can hold their breath longer underwater. If you go scuba diving, they give you an oxygen tank. Now will you please stop bickering?"

"Ouch. Chino's pissy," Summer teases.

"Must be sexually frustrated. You should try chewing ice, buddy," Seth grins, patting my back as they continue down the hall without me.

Sometimes I wonder why the hell I bothered coming back here. They're the most frustrating couple I've ever known.

"Hey, hot stuff."

Not this. Not now. I have no willpower left to handle Kimmie today. I feel her hand on my back. I can feel the heat of her skin through my shirt.

"Kimmie."

She walks around to face me with a twinkle in her eye.

"Feel up to a little alone time?"

"I can't, Kimmie."

"Oh, but I know that you can…please?" Her lips are so sexy when she pouts.

Who am I kidding? This totally hot girl is offering herself to me. I owe it to myself, and all of mankind, to take advantage.

"Ryan?"

But Sandy and Kirsten want me to be safe. Well, I'll be safe.

"Don't get all dark on me. C'mon, I know just the place." She grins, somehow knowing that I've silently agreed. She pulls me down the hall by the wrist as the late bell rings. I glance behind me to see if anyone's watching as she drags me into a storage closet.

"Private, right?"

"How many guys have you brought into this closet?" I tease as my hands find her tight ass.

"You're my only pleasure, Ryan. You know I have that boyfriend, right?"

"What boyfriend?"

"Shut up," she giggles as she starts to kiss my neck. "You're just so cute…."

"I'm not cute." I gasp. Her fingers are at my belt.

"Sexy…delicious…."

"Tasty?"

"Un huh," she murmurs as she unbuttons my shirt with her teeth.

The closet is dark but we don't need to see each other. I guess that's why the light from the hallway startles us so much.

"What the hell is going on in here?"

Dr. Kim sounds angry.

"Fuck…."

I have to get dressed. Kimmie and I manage to get our limbs disentangled and she pushes my shirt into my hands as I pick up her bra from the floor.

"Both of you. My office now. I'm calling your parents."

Dr. Kim doesn't just sound angry. She is angry. Fuck. She slams the door on us.

"My parents are going to kill me for doing this again…."

"Again?" What is she talking about?

"Why do you think I got kicked out of my old school?" She shakes her head at me. "Come on, stud."

"We could say we were studying," I say as we walk out of the closet, mostly dressed.

"What subject? Anatomy? I thought you were supposed to be smart…. Are your parents going to flip out?"

"The Cohens…I don't think they're going to appreciate this much."

"You don't live with your parents?"

Now she wants to get to know me? Jesus, Kimmie, not the greatest time for this chat.

"It's a long story. After you." I hold the door open for her as we reach Dr. Kim's office.

She smiles. "Such a gentleman."

----------------

Sandy's the first to arrive at the scene. I'm sitting in the office, my fingers tightly intertwined in my lap.

"Ryan? Were you fighting?" he blurts out the second he catches sight of me. He's obviously flustered.

I definitely wasn't fighting this time.

"Don't say anything," the receptionist growls at me. I shake my head at Sandy. "Dr. Kim is waiting inside."

Sandy glares at me in confusion as he steps into the office.

"You're in trouble," Kimmie whispers from two seats down.

"No talking!" The receptionist is scaring me more than Dr. Kim ever did.

I glance up a few seconds later as Kirsten walks through the door. She's not angry; she's worried.

"Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," I start. I hate seeing her upset.

"Mrs. Cohen, Dr. Kim is waiting." The receptionist glares at me again. I wonder if she's related to Summer.

I wait impatiently. I don't hear raised voices, but rather silence. I'd prefer to hear yelling.

"Kimmie! What the hell did you do now?"

I wince involuntarily as a large man and heavily made-up woman walk in. Kimmie doesn't seem at all upset by their presence and harsh words.

"Him," she states bluntly, pointing at me.

"At least he's better looking than the last one," the woman remarks, looking me up and down skeptically. Despite the make-up, the woman is attractive. I see where Kimmie gets it from.

"Mom." Kimmie rolls her eyes, obviously embarrassed by her mother's words.

"Ryan. Car. Now." Sandy walks out of the office with Kirsten on his heels. Both their faces are red.

"Bye, Ryan," Kimmie laughs as I obediently follow them out of the office and into the hallway.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Kirsten asks, holding me by one arm.

"Well, we know what you were thinking…," Sandy says, grabbing the other arm.

"But a closet? Don't you know how unsanitary that is?"

I hope she never finds out about the Range Rover. Or Kimmie's van. Or anywhere else.

"I can't believe this…I just can't believe it," Sandy mutters.

As we reach the parking lot, I hear Summer's voice echoing across campus. "Bad, Chino. Bad!" I don't even want to know how she found out so fast.

----------------

"Sit down. Don't move. Don't breathe until we get back," Sandy snaps as we walk into the house. He's really mad. I haven't seen him this mad since Seth switched his surfing wax with Vaseline. Kirsten even glares at me as she follows Sandy into the den.

I don't know why they made me sit here; I can hear everything they're saying.

"What are we going to do?"

"He was having sex in a broom closet, Sandy. That's not normal!"

"Actually, remember when you and I --"

"That was not a broom closet, it was a storage room and we were in college; that's totally different!"

"How do we punish him? I mean, he has to be punished, maybe we should tell him that he can't see that girl anymore…."

"Who was that girl, anyway? I thought that he hadn't hit it off with any of the girls."

"Well, I guess he's just got an overactive sex drive."

"He's seventeen years old, they've all got overactive sex drives."

Sandy sighs. "So what are we going to do?"

"Would you guys like for me to wait in the poolhouse while you discuss this?" I call out from my spot on the couch. I've already heard too much.

"No," they both reply sternly, without even looking in my direction.

This is going to be a long day. I glance down and realize that my shirt is on inside out.

Damn. I'm not allowed to get up so I pull it off and start to turn it the correct way. I hear Seth's laughter immediately after the front door closes.

"Man," Seth says between chuckles as I pull my shirt on again. "I've never, ever seen Dr. Kim so flustered."

"What?"

"Dude, everyone could totally hear you guys in there."

"What?" He can't be serious. We weren't that loud, we couldn't have been….

"I'm serious. My class is right next door and we couldn't even hear the teacher talking because Kimmie was…."

I cover my face. No wonder Dr. Kim was angry. We were disrupting class.

"Seth. We need to talk to Ryan," Sandy says as he enters the room.

"Come on, guys, you can't punish him. I mean, he wasn't doing anything wrong."

"Seth," Kirsten says his name in a warning tone. I wouldn't mess with that if I were him.

"You should have heard Kimmie --"

"Her name is Kimmie? Oh, that's just great," Sandy mutters.

"You heard her?" Kirsten asks curiously, her voice softer than before.

"Yes, and whatever Ryan was doing just couldn't have been wrong according to the noises she was making," Seth says quickly.

"Seth. Please." I need him to die a harsh, instant death.

"Seth…."

"C'mon, guys, you have to admit that this is definitely one of the most humorous situations our poolboy has ever found himself in. Seduced by a beautiful blonde and lured into a broom closet," Seth starts with a dreamy expression on his face.

"Isn't this punishment enough?" I mutter. Kirsten can't hide her smile before she forces herself to glare at me.

"How do you know this girl, Ryan? Was this your idea?" Sandy asks, getting back down

to business.

"Her name is Kimberly --"

"Kimmie," Seth corrects. I glare at him.

"Where did you meet Kimmie?" Kirsten asks.

Before I can answer, Seth speaks up, as always. "Kimmie was ill-fated date number one."

If he starts to tell his parents about the Rover, I'm going to knock him off his stool.

"If you guys didn't get along…."

"Oh, they got along," Seth grins. I glare harder and he seems to get the point. About time.

"But just in a physical way."

"I hate you. Did you know that?" I hope he can see the truth in my eyes. But he laughs. Not the reaction I was going for.

"Seth, go upstairs," Sandy sighs, frustrated. "You're enjoying this entirely too much."

"Somebody should be enjoying it," I mutter.

"Aw, come on, you didn't enjoy your little tryst with the whore?" Summer's voice startles us all. She ignores Sandy and Kirsten and slaps the back of my head before I can defend myself.

"Ow…."

"You deserve it, Chino. Now we've talked about this, what the hell happened?" Summer demands. Kirsten and Sandy don't interfere; they seem pleased. This is just wrong. I should have stayed in bed. "We left you alone for two minutes and you just accidentally fall into Kimmie?"

"I have the right to remain silent."

"She's a slut!" Summer says.

"I have the right to an attorney…."

"You're on your own this time," Sandy mutters amusedly, taking a step back.

She slaps me again. "You have to keep it in your pants, Chino!"

"I think his pants may be the problem. Maybe, we can solve all of this by making him wear shorts all the time," Seth suggests.

"No," Kirsten and Summer say in unison.

"Why not?" Seth asks.

"He has nice legs," Summer answers matter-of-factly.

"Oh, so you're checking out his legs, too?"

"Let's get back to the issue at hand…Ryan. What the hell were you thinking?" Sandy asks quietly, his disappointment apparent.

"I'm sorry. It was a mistake. I'm sorry." I really, really am.

"Well, you're grounded," Sandy sighs.

"Come on, Dad, you can't ground him, he has dates to keep!" Seth protests. I think I'd rather be grounded.

"We watch him really close, Mr. Cohen. We never let him get out of hand," Summer says.

"That's why you need a chaperone…now I understand…." Realization that I never wanted Kirsten to have dawns on her face. I shake my head. This just gets worse.

"Didn't you guys set him up with this girl in the first place?"

"Yeah, but Kirsten set him up with a lesbian so you can't fault us for any of that."

"Oh, Kirsten…." Sandy smiles.

"I didn't know she was a lesbian." She flushes.

"And we didn't know Kimmie was a whore!" Summer says. She blushes when she sees Seth shaking his head at her.

"I'll take the grounding."

"Oh no, I think the kids are right. You need to get back on the horse," Sandy starts.

Kirsten clears her throat.

"I mean, you need to find more than sex in a relationship," he rephrases.

"Please, can't you just ground me?"

"I have just the girl in mind…." Sandy smiles.

I close my eyes. I thought it couldn't get worse.

-----------------

I am forced to stop Sandy by grabbing his wrist when he starts messing with my hair. He's worse than Kirsten. These people need a puppy or something to fuss over.

"I told her to meet you at that bistro that you guys keep going to around eight." Sandy pauses to check his watch. "Okay, you've got half an hour but don't show up early…that looks desperate. But not too late," he corrects himself, "you don't want to piss her off…."

"Yeah…okay, Dad, I think you need to be escorted out of the poolhouse now," Seth says, placing a hand on his father's chest and pushing him backward toward the door.

"Remember," Sandy struggles to get in his final words before Seth completely shuts him out, "her name's Victoria…or Vicki, I think is what her friends call her. Either way, she's around five foot --"

Seth slams the door in his father's face and lowers the blinds with a shake of his head. "God, I thought Mom was bad…."

I can't help but let out a small laugh. As much as I hate the idea of being set up by my guardian/lawyer, I couldn't bring myself to tell him no when he'd seemed so genuinely excited.

I have to admit that Victoria, or Vicki, does sound like a refreshing change…at least that's what I managed to pull from Sandy's rambling. She's not a 'Newpsie', having just moved to Newport a few months ago. Her father has just joined Sandy's firm and the two have conspired to arrange this set-up. I'm guessing that Sandy conveniently left out the part about me being a juvenile delinquent from felonious parents.

Though, like the majority of my previous dates, Vicki attends a private school and lives in a mansion on the coast, she's not a heavy partier and doesn't drink…something that Sandy was quick to point out. That last part normally wouldn't have affected me, but after Marissa, I want to stay as far away from drunken rich girls as possible. A tough feat to accomplish here in Newport.

As I try to fix whatever Sandy had done to my hair in the mirror, I hear one of the poolhouse doors slam behind me, followed by the rapid clicking of high heels on hardwood.

I turn to see Summer, her eyes scanning up and down as she appraises me.

"Uh huh," she starts, walking around behind me. I don't even want to know what she's looking at. "Yep. Okay. Damn, Chino. You're getting good at this!"

"Aw, thanks." I try to sound sarcastic but somehow, I'm flattered by her approval. If I've learned anything from all of these horrendous dates, it's how to dress and present myself accordingly.

"All right. That's enough. Your eyes should be over here," Seth interrupts, pointing to himself.

"Stop being so needy, Cohen," she scolds before planting a kiss on his pouting lips.

"Okay. Car. Now."

Seth and I shuffle out the door like children as Summer ushers us into the Rover.

"Now, Chino…." She turns to face me as Seth starts the car. It feels like she's going to tell me not to touch anything and keep my hands in my pockets. "I want you to be on your best behavior. That means no touching, no flirting, and please, no brooding. The girls eat that shit up."

"I can brood," Seth interrupts.

"Shut up, Cohen."

He nods and keeps his eyes on the road. She turns her attention back to me.

"I'm serious, Chino. Take it down a few notches… and I'm not talking about your belt."

"Speaking of belts, maybe we should get Ryan, like, some sort of chastity belt. You know, lock him up until he gets a few dates with the same girl under his belt…no pun intended."

What the hell is he talking about? I think his overactive imagination is taking over.

"You've been reading too many of those fucked up comic books, Cohen!" Summer says in disgust. "But don't think I won't do it," she threatens me with the wave of a finger. "I will lock you up and hide that key in a place you'd never think to look!"

I open my mouth to add my two cents to this beyond ridiculous conversation, but Seth beats me to it.

"Uh uh." He shakes his head. "No way! I've seen the way you look at his ass. You're not keeping that key. I'll keep the key."

Silence. Both Summer and I stare at him in disbelief.

"Cohen, do you want to date Chino? Because I'll gladly step aside if that's what you really want…."

Oh my God. I'm locking the poolhouse doors at night from now on.

"I'm just saying that you don't need the temptation. You know Ryan, he's got this unbeatable sex power, and I have a feeling that if he doesn't get any for long enough, if you show up with that key, he'd overlook all of that brotherly loyalty crap and --"

"Okay. That's enough. No more talking… please," I beg from the backseat. I realize now that my eyes are squeezed shut. I can already tell this night's going to be a disaster. I wish there was some way to erase this entire conversation from my memory.

Much to my relief, the rest of the short drive is silent.

When we pull up to the restaurant, I spot Vicki immediately. She's standing outside, her arms wrapped tightly around her chest, rocking back and forth nervously as her eyes scan the parking lot. For some strange reason, her unconfident posture is appealing. I'm getting sick of those girls that never seem to get rattled.

The three of us approach from the side. She must see us, but she doesn't establish eye contact until I'm only a few feet away.

"Vicki?" I ask.

"Yeah," she replies, her relief evident.

"I'm Ryan." I offer my hand and she reciprocates the action. I can hear Seth clearing his throat from behind me. I want to punch him. I'm just shaking her hand, not unfastening her bra. I turn my head to glare at him but his eyes are wide, and he nods towards Vicki's hand.

I follow his stare to see that Vicki is also wearing a wrist cuff. She pulls away from the handshake and smiles. She's cute. I think she might actually be shorter than me, and her hair is a sandy blond. She's small, but not too thin…she looks healthy and kind and shy. I'm reluctant to admit that I might like this girl already.

"These are my friends, Summer and Seth," I motion toward the two idiots behind me.

They all shake hands, and Summer and Vicki start on the small talk as we enter the restaurant.

Seth grabs my elbow, pulling me back a few steps behind the girls, and points to my wrist while mouthing, "It's meant to be, dude!"

I roll my eyes at him but I can't ignore the fact that it's rare to find a girl, especially in Newport, who shares some sort of fashion preference with me.

Mary sits us at our booth, which I think has been permanently reserved under our names, seeing as how no one else is ever seated there when we arrive unannounced.

"So, Vicki, where do you go to school?" Summer asks once we're situated.

"I go to Pacific," Vicki replies quietly with a smile.

"Oh no, the arch rival of the Pirate!" Seth makes some sort of retarded hooked-hand symbol and Vicki scrunches her brow in confusion. Summer slaps Seth's hand out of the way before continuing.

"And where did you move from?"

"Arizona."

Summer smiles. Seth nods. I open my mouth to say something, but end up shutting it shortly after. The conversation has officially reached its first awkward silence. Vicki's definitely not as forward as the other girls have been.

"I hear it's nice there," Seth adds the inane comment to break the silence.

"Well, it's nice, but California is gorgeous. I almost hate to admit it, seeing as how I was dragged away from my school and friends against my will, but I'm really starting to like it here."

"Dragged away?" I ask out of curiosity.

"Well, my father was transferred…." Vicki visibly relaxes as she continues to tell her story of upheaval and finally the conversation starts to flow. By the time we order, it's almost effortless. She's definitely more opinionated than I had first thought, seeing as how she keeps challenging Seth on trivial matters such as 'which is better, bacon burgers or classic cheeseburgers?'.

I can tell by the way she talks that she's been raised in a very wealthy family. She's a little snotty, but I have yet to meet a girl around here that's completely down to earth. Things are really going well until….

"I just think it's criminal for anyone to bring an underprivileged child into the world. I mean, the public school system sucks and if you're poor, then abortion should be, like, mandatory."

Seth and Summer are silent; their eyes are glued to my face.

"That's an interesting concept," I say quietly.

Vicki smiles at me.

"Ryan," Summer says quietly.

I don't know if she's worried I'm going to slap the girl or start yelling at her.

"Excuse me." I turn and see Mary standing behind me. I give her a polite nod before walking past to the bathroom.

I step inside and allow myself to breathe.

Vicki doesn't know about Teresa or our child. She's just an ignorant little spoiled brat who's trying to get her chance to slum it with the best of them. It's amazing how one sentence can completely change your opinion of a person.

I can't let her words upset me.

I'm angst-free. Seth declared me angst-free.

The door opens and I turn to face the mirror. I splash water on my face.

"You okay, kid?" I recognize one of the kitchen staff. I wonder why the hell he cares.

"Yes, sir. Thank you."

"Mary sent me. Said tonight's girl upset you."

"I'm okay." That's nice of them to be concerned. "What's the vote on this one?"

"Kid, she's not even on the charts. You sure you're okay? You look a little green…."

"Fine. Don't I look okay?"

He grins. "I'll show you the back door. You can get some air."

I follow the old man out of the bathroom and into the kitchen.

"Damn, kid, I had good money on this one!" A lady standing in front of the stove smiles.

I glance over and see a chart tacked onto the wall. It's titled Blind Date #5. "You guys are too much."

"Got to keep it interesting." The man grins, patting my back as he opens the back door into an alley.

I step outside.

"Come back in the same way, kid," he says, closing the door.

I can breathe. The air is cool and I can breathe. I feel my pockets. Wallet. Cell phone. Lighter. No cigarettes.

"Got a light?"

Mary offers me a cigarette. It's Teresa's brand. I accept and pass her the lighter.

We smoke in silence.

"Your friend's a bitch."

"Summer?"

"No, tonight's date. Summer was going off on her when Dad brought you out."

"He's your dad?"

"Yeah."

"He's cool."

"Yeah."

I take a long drag off my cigarette.

"So…you have kids?" she asks as she exhales.

"Nah." I hate small talk.

"But something set off your little friend."

"I should get back." Seth and Summer will be worried. I know she means well, but I don't want to talk. I'm angst-free. I should get a t-shirt so people will know. I take another drag off my cigarette.

"Your friends are pretty protective of you."

"They're great. Annoying as hell, but good friends."

"Ryan? Ryan!" I hear Seth's voice and the door swings open. "Thank God, man. Are you okay?" He's flushed with worry.

"Yeah, I just --"

"God, we thought you'd be curled in the corner or puking your guts out or something," Seth says, pulling me into a hug.

"What?" Once again, he has me completely baffled.

"You know, you're all about the angst and we thought Vicki the bitch had driven you into a pit of despair and you were going to run away or start drinking or selling drugs or cutting yourself…." He shakes his head in horror.

"I'm fine, Seth."

"Are you hurt?" Seth asks. His eyes, I assume, are scanning my body for injuries.

"Hurt?"

"Did Eddie show up? Or some other random thug? Did they hit you? Are you bleeding anywhere?"

"You've lost your mind…." I shake my head.

He frowns.

"Seth, I'm fine."

"But the brood is definitely back in full force," Seth mutters.

"I think your brother is fine now, he just needed a smoke," Mary intervenes.

"You're smoking? Oh God, this is worse than I thought. I better call Mom and Dad and tell them to call the therapist and the mental institution," Seth gasps.

"Seth."

He looks at me and I regret my harsh tone. I think he's actually serious.

He shakes his head. "Dude…."

"Listen to me. I'm fine. You're being neurotic."

"Really?" he asks quietly.

"Yeah."

"Well, did you know then, that the people in the kitchen have been betting on you?" Seth asks immediately.

"Sorry about that," Mary grins.

"Why didn't you tell us? I could have totally made some fast cash," Seth scolds her.

"Chino!"

"She's going to kill you when I tell her you were smoking," Seth says under his breath as the door swings open, revealing a flustered looking Summer.

"Goddammit, Chino!" I wince, closing my eyes and prepare for Summer's trademark scolding but I feel her thin arms around me. "Don't do that!"

"Now you're hugging him? Hey, insecure over here, too!" Seth says immediately, waving his hand for attention.

Summer releases me and immediately slaps me on the arm. "You're not allowed to disappear!"

"Sorry." I can't help but smile.

"Let's go back inside, this alley is just, ew…and the bitch, she's gone," Summer says, holding the door open as we walk back into the kitchen.

There is a subdued cheer from the kitchen staff as Summer enters.

"What did I miss?" I ask Mary. She shrugs, confused as well. She's really cute.

Mary's dad holds the door open for Summer and bows. "My lady, that was a fine cussing that you just gave that girl. But I'd appreciate if you'd watch your language in the future."

"Sorry about that," Seth says, putting his arm around Summer. "She suffers from rage blackouts."

The man nods. "Ah. That explains it. Enjoy the rest of your meal, kids."

"Where's Vicki?" I ask Summer as we sit down at the table.

"She won't be coming back," Summer says, as if that's enough explanation.

"Sorry, Ryan. This was the worst one yet," Seth says.

"No way. Lesbian was the worst…." Summer shudders.

"What about dominatrix girl?" Seth replies.

I let them argue and feel a hand on my shoulder. I glance up and see Mary standing behind me.

"Hey."

"If you're ever up for a date that's not so blind, here's my number," she whispers. Seth and Summer are still bickering.

Hey, this might not be a bust after all. I accept the slip of paper and give her a smile. She winks at me and walks away.

"Chino? Shit, Seth, he's going postal, he's smiling and…." Summer can't finish her sentence in her panicked state.

"We should rush him to HOAG," Seth starts, whipping out his phone.

"Why do you guys think I'm going to freak out?"

They both stop and stare at me.

"Because…because you're fragile."

"And angsty."

"And depressed."

"Stop it. I'm fine. I swear. You guys don't have to worry about me." And they don't. But they will and I suppose that's one of the reasons I love them so much.