A/N: Eek!  No reviews?  Even for the Potter orientated episode I posted last?  This episode is a little lacking in Potter goodies I'm afraid, but the next one has many of our Hogwarts heroes.

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Chapter Five – On Board the Black Pearl

Poor Mary-Sue Undomiel-Celebrindal-Simblemyne couldn't sit down.  Also, she had had absolutely no sleep that night.  For as soon as Snape and Lucius collapsed in a snoring heap after finally wearing themselves out, the Hobbits decided to hold an all night vigil outside her room, singing rowdy love songs accompanied by the bashing and clanging of cooking utensils.

That morning the Company were to set sail upon the Great Sea, and travel the first leg of their journey to Mordor on the Black Pearl.  Boarding the great ship, which was moored on Hogwarts lake, was for the most part uneventful.  The Hobbits nearly caused a stampede as they got too hungry and lost control of their senses, but a riot was averted when Pyro hastily barbequed them some sausages.  It also transpired that Wolverine was seasick.  Even before the ship began moving, he was hanging over the side looking miserable.

Barbossa was stood by the gangplank with a clipboard in his hand.

"All present and correct?" Gandalf enquired.

"YEAAAARRGH!"

"I'll take that as a yes, shall I?"

"No, wait!"  Legolas had run up, his hair in disarray.  "What about Gimli? Where's Gimli?"

"Who's Gimli?" asked Gandalf, confused.  "Hey Aragorn! Who's Gimli?"

"What's a Gimli?" Aragorn hollered back.

"Yeah, what's a Gimli?"  Legolas frowned.

Everyone just shook their heads and went off to unpack.  Elrond had bribed Cap'n jack with some digitally programmed rum to get the cabin next to McGonagall, and the location of Martha's cabin was kept top secret to avoid the total destruction of Jack's ship by optic eye blasts, fireballs and miss-directed spells as characters fought over who got one next door.  Naturally, Cap'n Jack had bagged one of these for himself.

*

Magneto, who was still being avoided by Martha after last night's shenanigans, spotted Gandalf across the deck, and made his way towards him.

"Brother, would you care to join me for a walk along the deck?"

"I think not,"  came the sniffy reply "You have disgraced the McKellen clan and deeply traumatised my Hat."

Magneto lowered his voice an octave.  "I have a particularly juicy piece of gossip that I'm sure you will be interested to hear about."

"Well in that case…"

Magneto inclined his head towards the bow of the ship where Wolverine was draped over the rails peering miserably into the water.  The unfortunate mutant was not even aided by his healing powers, as the undulating waves just made him sick all over again.  "Apparently our resident Wolf here is filing a paternity suit for Mary-Sue.  However, Lord Elrond also claims to be her father and is planning to fight Wolverine for custody."

"Ooh!"  Cried Gandalf.  "Perhaps I ought to confiscate Elrond's Elven ring of power.  Cap'n Jack's insured this ship to the hilt, and Sideshow Weta is liable for any damages caused by LOTR characters or props."

"Hmmm.  It's not really Elrond I'm worried about.  Poor Wolverine's so confused – he can't work out if he's in love with Mary-Sue, or if he's her biological parent."

"But surely that raises the possibility of –"

Magneto laughed.  "My dear Brother!  Do keep it clean – this is a PG-13."

"Indeed.  However, our Jeanne is not averse to scripting more 'adult orientated' material."

Magneto choked.  "WHAT?!"

"Word has it that she is the author of the sole R-rated fanfic in the Robin Hood section.  Fanfiction.net's best kept secret.  Apparently Marion's lady in waiting and the Sheriff do it all over Nottingham castle."

"Well for Goodness' sake don't tell Martha!"  Magneto hissed.  "She'll be on to the Author in no time and I'm really too old to have the energy for that sort of thing."

"I agree.  Best keep it quiet.  And not let ourselves be vehicles for the Author's shameless plugging of her own stories."

*

Unbeknownst of this revelation, our heroine was shambling out of her cabin looking thoroughly perplexed, when she came across something even stranger.  There was a young man wearing steel plated boots and a long trench coat striding about the deck whilst shuffling a pack of cards.  Yet he did not look quite real.  He looked sort of…cartoonish…

In one fluid movement he spun on his heel and caught Martha's hand in his own.  He bowed his head and kissed it.

"What's da matter Chere?  Aintcha ever seen a good looking guy before?"

Martha wrenched her hand out of his grasp.  "Ew.  Your skin feels like a cold wet fish."

"Aw come, on, don't be so hard on poor Remy."

"Who the heck is 'Remy'?"

"How come you aint heard'a Gambit, if you in an X-Men fic?"

"Who's Gambit?"

"Remy!"

"I don't care about this stupid Remy guy – I just want to know what's up with your face!"

"Oh.  That's because Remy still a drawing.  Remy aint in the movies, he just in the comics."

"So what are you doing in movie-verse fanfiction?"

"The ladies just can't resist Gambit.  He in all the stories!  Only Remy aint got an actor yet, so Remy still a drawing."  He finished lamely.

"Are you unwell?"

"Heck no!  Remy just in LOVE!"

Martha squealed and ran away.

*

Gandalf saw Martha barrelling towards him and his brother, and quickly exited the scene.

"Magneto-"

"Oof!"

"I've just seen this really weird guy and he looks like a cartoon and he's got bad grammar and he keeps talking about someone called Gambit." She gasped, without pausing for breath.

"That's because he is Gambit.  He talks about himself in the third person"

"Why?"

"Because he's stupid."

Martha grabbed Magneto's hand and started dragging him towards the stairs.  "Magneto – you've got to come to my room!"

"Oh no Martha," he protested,  "I'm still full of breakfast,"

"No, no, there's something strange in there..."

*

Martha reached under the bed and heaved out a huge trunk with the Slytherin insignia engraved on it.  She flipped it open.  "Magneto, what is all this?"

"Ah.  This is your Mary-Sue Kit.  There is Elven wine to get Legolas drunk with so you can woo him, a 'Teach yourself Parseltongue' cassette, a Pirate-lingo dictionary, a copy of 'Cerebro for Dummies', love potion to drug Draco Malfoy with, apples to throw through captain Barbossa, bananas with which to befriend the aforementioned's monkey – oh dear – "

There in the trunk lay several beautiful evening dresses and a leather X-Suit.

Martha slowly bent down and casting to one side a green pom-pom and "GO SLYTHERIN!" banner, picked up one of the more lovely dresses. The purple and silver material shimmered in Martha's hands.

"That'll be one of the Lord of the Rings ones," Magneto said softly.

Martha's eyes shone with unshed tears as she fingered the beautiful fabric.

"But these are all US size 6.  I – I can't wear any of them…"

"Most Mary-Sues tend to be a size 6, I'm afraid,"  he said awkwardly.

A tear slid down her cheek and her voice had dwindled to a whisper.  "But I am not.  I am much too big…"

Magneto kicked the trunk back under the bed.  "Come on, lets go outside and laugh at Gambit,"  His hand came to rest upon Martha's large bottom, to which he had grown rather attached of late.

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A/N: Paternity – A tribute to the sheer number of fanfics involving the long-lost daughters of Wolverine and Elrond Halfelven.

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