Harry had tried to figure out who was to blame for Sirius's death. Dumbledore seemed a likely target to hit, but for some reason , Harry almost felt that Blaming Dumbledore would make everything the man had ever stood for wrong. He didn't think Dumbledore was really to blame. Even if he wished sometimes that he was.
He often thought about Kreacher, the mis-behaved and slightly insane house elf, that had told Harry, the night Sirius died, that the last remaining Black wasn't at home.
It was Kreacher's fault that him and the others even went to the department of Mysteries. If Harry had known that Sirius had been at home, he would have never even gone there at all.
But now as he sat at Hogwarts, three weeks after the summer holidays had started, he wondered if someone else was also to blame.
On Dumbledores orders, Harry was to stay at Hogwarts with his belongings until school started up once again, beginning his sixth year at Hogwarts. He slept all alone, in the Gryffindor tower. Which Harry thought he neither a good nor bad thing. Good because then no one would ask him of his screaming and sleep talking and bad because no one knew; therefore no one could help him.
But then again, who said he wanted or needed help?
Harry spent most of his time alone, either outside near the lake or Quidditch pitch. And when he wasn't alone outside he was inside in the library reading, which had become a new sort of hobby for Harry.
Or Harry would find himself with his least favorite teacher Professor Snape.
Snape , by Dumbledores means and certainly not his own, was forced to teach Harry once again. Occlumency proved to be a challenge for Him much like before, but Snape said cruelly after every session ; ' If your mind were on other things like saving yours and everyone else's skin, then I think you would see some slight improvement in your Legilimens spell Potter.'
Harry didn't correct Snape when he said this either. It was completely true. His mind was not on doing the best his could, his life, or even the life of others. His mind mostly remained on the one man who it seemed he would never be able to see again.
Sirius Black.
And Snape knew this too.
He knew it every time Harry failed to protect himself during lessons . Every time Harry failed to do so, Snape would see the last moments of Sirius's life flash before his coal black eyes. But unlike the other memories Snape was used to seeing during the school year, He never commented on it. Never asked about Black, or even if what he saw was really what he thought it was.
Because somehow, Harry thought maybe , Snape understood better then he would ever show.
But one day, as Harry came to class looking more tired and more sickly then ever, he knew Snape was bound to ask questions. The man sat at his desk looking over some papers of some sort.
Snape never did look up as Harry entered. He thought that maybe Snape didn't because that would be what a normal person would do to show the other person you know they're there. And Snape, like him in so many ways, was far from normal.
Harry sat down in the second chair in front of Snape's desk and waited for him to finish whatever it was he was doing. Harry knew the time would come when Snape would finally look up, but he wondered if Snape would say anything or just leave it alone.
He prayed that Snape would remain uncaring and not ask why he looked like a piece of shit that he just picked off the bottom of his boots.
Snape sighed and folded the paper hastily before storing it in the first drawer in his desk.
Coal black eyes met green, and green looked away first as always. "Well Potter, I'm glad to see you no longer care what you look like in my presence anymore. " Snape said coldly. Harry said nothing, because he didn't care really. Or maybe he just didn't have the strength to care.
"When was the last time you slept?" Snape asked smirking with his back turned to the younger man, as he washed his hands in the water from the student's sink . "Or have you even slept in the last week? Filch said he's caught you in the hall ways more then once. I hope you know that once school starts again these nasty little habits of yours will not be allowed. " Snape turned off the water and dried his hands carefully now looking at Harry.
"Not even Dumbledore can stop me from taking points away from you , Potter. " Harry sighed and stood up , with his wand at ready. Snape's face still emotionless stared right at him as his wand was taken from the inside of his robes as well.
Snape never gave him time to wonder when he would shoot a spell at him, so Harry was forced to do nothing but watch Snape's every move, and memorize when Snape shot a spell at him every time. Because maybe then he could stop the spell from hitting him.
Harry's mind filled with sleep as he watched Snape stare at him wand in hand. But he forced himself to think about what would happen if Snape broke through again. What would happen if this were Voldermort and he was just to tired to fight back.
But as Harry thought this , his mouth opened in a yawn and at that moment Snape smirked and raised his wand hissing, ".....Legilimens!"
There was Sirius, smirking at Bellatrix fighting her and for the first time in to long looking almost free.
And then there was Lupin running towards him and grabbing Harry from behind, strong arms wrapping around his chest.
It felt as if he was almost screaming again.
He could see it over and over as it rewound in his mind.
Sirius looking shocked and falling behind the voice filled Veil.
He could almost hear himself scream, 'SIRIUS! NO SIRIUS!' As Lupin's arms tightened, holding him back.
'Theres nothing you can do Harry...nothing...he's gone.' Lupins voice said in his ear.
"God damnit Potter UP!" Snape shouted angrily grabbing Harry by the elbow. Harry stood up panting hard and looked at Snape angrily. Snape stared back with a strange almost frightened look on his face. It was then Harry realized he was crying. He lifted his hand to his face for a moment and looked at his wet finger tips, almost not believing they were his. Snape looked at Harry, with a now plain expression but Harry could tell he seemed shocked as well.
Harry was 100% sure Snape had no idea to do when someone was crying.
"We are trying again now...." Snape said stepping back and pulling his wand up at ready. "NO!" Harry shouted. "No I'm fucking sick of trying! I can't do it! I can't do it and you know I can't ! So why waste you precious time training a stupid git like me, when you could be making some important potion or something!"
He knew he sounded ridiculous. He knew Snape might strike him. But for all it was worth , screaming felt like the only thing he could do in defense.
Snape grabbed Harry's wand and through it across the room and shoved Harry down in the chair that sat right behind him. Harry watched the wand as it flew in slow motion and hit the wall, breaking into two worthless pieces.
"Now you listen to me Potter." Snape hissed face not even two inches away from Harry's. "Whether or not I think you can do it is not the problem. The problem is , you have to defeat the dark lord. It is your prophecy and you will fulfill it . I will train you until you are in condition to do so . And by Merlin Potter if you don't give me 100% of your effort and attention I will personally track you down and make the rest of your pathetic life a living hell."
Snape eyed him carefully before standing up and brushing off his robes casually like he had done nothing out of the ordinary.
Harry began breathing hard. He wanted to hit Snape so badly. He wanted to almost kill him. "Potter I don't care what you do, I don't care if you go and kill some damn house elf, but get that damn memory of your flea bidden godfather out of your mind . Black , as always, is not helping you at all here . " Snape hissed looking at Harry like nothing he had said was wrong at all. Like Harry should just agree and go on with his life.
Harry looked up at potions master and said plainly, " Fuck you."
Snape turned in his tracks and stared at Harry with such pure hatred that he was sure Snape was going to kill him. "What did you say Potter?"
"Fuck . You . " Harry said slowly. "If you would have went to Dumbledore sooner, if you would have believed me when I tried to warn you, SIRIUS WOULDN'T BE DEAD!" Harry screamed. The room echoed with his words and Snape stared coldly at Harry.
"There you go again Potter. Blame everyone but yourself. Because of course you did nothing. Am I right Potter? It wasn't you who ran to department of mysteries. It wasn't you who had to come and have nearly half of the order rescue you. You're right Potter. It's everyone else's fault but your own."
The words hit Harry like Ice. He was warm and then suddenly, the whole room felt cold. And like so many nights in the Gryfinndor tower , he was alone. And Snape was right.
Snape was right and Harry was wrong.
Harry stood slowly, determined to not look at Snape as he left. He walked to the corner of the room and picked up his broken wand and said loud enough for Snape to hear, "See you tomorrow Professor."
Harry didn't go the next day of course. And He was sure Snape didn't want to see him anyways. So he stayed like he always had when he wasn't training. Either in the Hogwarts Library reading, down by the Quidditch pitch, or by the Lake. Mostly thinking and sometimes trying not to think at all.
Three days later, after Harry hadn't trained or slept barely at all, an owl arrived for him. He opened it and read.
'Potter-
Come down to my office. Now.
Professor Snape '
Harry nervously made his way down to Snape's office and wondered whether or not he would make it out alive. When he came to the door he paused wondering if walking in without knocking was still okay. But as his hand was about to make contact with the door he heard Snape's voice say;
"Come in Potter."
Harry opened the door carefully and shut it behind him. "Sir?" Harry asked as he made his way to the front of the room. Snape said nothing as he sat at his desk . He merely stared for a second and then pushed a small package toward him. Harry stared at it confused. " For God sakes Potter, Open it." Snape said dryly.
Harry took the brown package and opened it carefully. He pulled out a Nice dark brown wand, made of Holly with a phoenix feather and the length Harry knew at about eleven inches.
Snape had bought him a new wand.
He looked up at Snape who seemed to be scratching something quickly onto parchment. "Err...thank you , Sir. For the wand I mean." Harry said wondering how stupid he sounded to Snape. "Don't be pathetic Potter. I broke Your wand. It's only sensible I buy you another." Snape said still not looking at him.
" But still...err...., thanks."
He didn't expect Snape to say your welcome and he most certainly never would. "Since your wand is back I expect your down here everyday like usual. Understood?" Snape asked looking up at Harry for the first time since he had entered.
"Yes Sir." Harry said looking back down at his wand.
Snape nodded at him and Harry made his leave to the door. As he grabbed the handle he stopped and turned for a moment and spoke, "I'm sorry about the other day ." and opened the door and closed it behind him.
As Harry made his way up to the Gryffindor tower he tried to put a finger on the feeling he felt in his stomach. He wasn't sure what it was, but it almost felt as if he and Snape had finally, after nearly six years, made some sort of peace.
He often thought about Kreacher, the mis-behaved and slightly insane house elf, that had told Harry, the night Sirius died, that the last remaining Black wasn't at home.
It was Kreacher's fault that him and the others even went to the department of Mysteries. If Harry had known that Sirius had been at home, he would have never even gone there at all.
But now as he sat at Hogwarts, three weeks after the summer holidays had started, he wondered if someone else was also to blame.
On Dumbledores orders, Harry was to stay at Hogwarts with his belongings until school started up once again, beginning his sixth year at Hogwarts. He slept all alone, in the Gryffindor tower. Which Harry thought he neither a good nor bad thing. Good because then no one would ask him of his screaming and sleep talking and bad because no one knew; therefore no one could help him.
But then again, who said he wanted or needed help?
Harry spent most of his time alone, either outside near the lake or Quidditch pitch. And when he wasn't alone outside he was inside in the library reading, which had become a new sort of hobby for Harry.
Or Harry would find himself with his least favorite teacher Professor Snape.
Snape , by Dumbledores means and certainly not his own, was forced to teach Harry once again. Occlumency proved to be a challenge for Him much like before, but Snape said cruelly after every session ; ' If your mind were on other things like saving yours and everyone else's skin, then I think you would see some slight improvement in your Legilimens spell Potter.'
Harry didn't correct Snape when he said this either. It was completely true. His mind was not on doing the best his could, his life, or even the life of others. His mind mostly remained on the one man who it seemed he would never be able to see again.
Sirius Black.
And Snape knew this too.
He knew it every time Harry failed to protect himself during lessons . Every time Harry failed to do so, Snape would see the last moments of Sirius's life flash before his coal black eyes. But unlike the other memories Snape was used to seeing during the school year, He never commented on it. Never asked about Black, or even if what he saw was really what he thought it was.
Because somehow, Harry thought maybe , Snape understood better then he would ever show.
But one day, as Harry came to class looking more tired and more sickly then ever, he knew Snape was bound to ask questions. The man sat at his desk looking over some papers of some sort.
Snape never did look up as Harry entered. He thought that maybe Snape didn't because that would be what a normal person would do to show the other person you know they're there. And Snape, like him in so many ways, was far from normal.
Harry sat down in the second chair in front of Snape's desk and waited for him to finish whatever it was he was doing. Harry knew the time would come when Snape would finally look up, but he wondered if Snape would say anything or just leave it alone.
He prayed that Snape would remain uncaring and not ask why he looked like a piece of shit that he just picked off the bottom of his boots.
Snape sighed and folded the paper hastily before storing it in the first drawer in his desk.
Coal black eyes met green, and green looked away first as always. "Well Potter, I'm glad to see you no longer care what you look like in my presence anymore. " Snape said coldly. Harry said nothing, because he didn't care really. Or maybe he just didn't have the strength to care.
"When was the last time you slept?" Snape asked smirking with his back turned to the younger man, as he washed his hands in the water from the student's sink . "Or have you even slept in the last week? Filch said he's caught you in the hall ways more then once. I hope you know that once school starts again these nasty little habits of yours will not be allowed. " Snape turned off the water and dried his hands carefully now looking at Harry.
"Not even Dumbledore can stop me from taking points away from you , Potter. " Harry sighed and stood up , with his wand at ready. Snape's face still emotionless stared right at him as his wand was taken from the inside of his robes as well.
Snape never gave him time to wonder when he would shoot a spell at him, so Harry was forced to do nothing but watch Snape's every move, and memorize when Snape shot a spell at him every time. Because maybe then he could stop the spell from hitting him.
Harry's mind filled with sleep as he watched Snape stare at him wand in hand. But he forced himself to think about what would happen if Snape broke through again. What would happen if this were Voldermort and he was just to tired to fight back.
But as Harry thought this , his mouth opened in a yawn and at that moment Snape smirked and raised his wand hissing, ".....Legilimens!"
There was Sirius, smirking at Bellatrix fighting her and for the first time in to long looking almost free.
And then there was Lupin running towards him and grabbing Harry from behind, strong arms wrapping around his chest.
It felt as if he was almost screaming again.
He could see it over and over as it rewound in his mind.
Sirius looking shocked and falling behind the voice filled Veil.
He could almost hear himself scream, 'SIRIUS! NO SIRIUS!' As Lupin's arms tightened, holding him back.
'Theres nothing you can do Harry...nothing...he's gone.' Lupins voice said in his ear.
"God damnit Potter UP!" Snape shouted angrily grabbing Harry by the elbow. Harry stood up panting hard and looked at Snape angrily. Snape stared back with a strange almost frightened look on his face. It was then Harry realized he was crying. He lifted his hand to his face for a moment and looked at his wet finger tips, almost not believing they were his. Snape looked at Harry, with a now plain expression but Harry could tell he seemed shocked as well.
Harry was 100% sure Snape had no idea to do when someone was crying.
"We are trying again now...." Snape said stepping back and pulling his wand up at ready. "NO!" Harry shouted. "No I'm fucking sick of trying! I can't do it! I can't do it and you know I can't ! So why waste you precious time training a stupid git like me, when you could be making some important potion or something!"
He knew he sounded ridiculous. He knew Snape might strike him. But for all it was worth , screaming felt like the only thing he could do in defense.
Snape grabbed Harry's wand and through it across the room and shoved Harry down in the chair that sat right behind him. Harry watched the wand as it flew in slow motion and hit the wall, breaking into two worthless pieces.
"Now you listen to me Potter." Snape hissed face not even two inches away from Harry's. "Whether or not I think you can do it is not the problem. The problem is , you have to defeat the dark lord. It is your prophecy and you will fulfill it . I will train you until you are in condition to do so . And by Merlin Potter if you don't give me 100% of your effort and attention I will personally track you down and make the rest of your pathetic life a living hell."
Snape eyed him carefully before standing up and brushing off his robes casually like he had done nothing out of the ordinary.
Harry began breathing hard. He wanted to hit Snape so badly. He wanted to almost kill him. "Potter I don't care what you do, I don't care if you go and kill some damn house elf, but get that damn memory of your flea bidden godfather out of your mind . Black , as always, is not helping you at all here . " Snape hissed looking at Harry like nothing he had said was wrong at all. Like Harry should just agree and go on with his life.
Harry looked up at potions master and said plainly, " Fuck you."
Snape turned in his tracks and stared at Harry with such pure hatred that he was sure Snape was going to kill him. "What did you say Potter?"
"Fuck . You . " Harry said slowly. "If you would have went to Dumbledore sooner, if you would have believed me when I tried to warn you, SIRIUS WOULDN'T BE DEAD!" Harry screamed. The room echoed with his words and Snape stared coldly at Harry.
"There you go again Potter. Blame everyone but yourself. Because of course you did nothing. Am I right Potter? It wasn't you who ran to department of mysteries. It wasn't you who had to come and have nearly half of the order rescue you. You're right Potter. It's everyone else's fault but your own."
The words hit Harry like Ice. He was warm and then suddenly, the whole room felt cold. And like so many nights in the Gryfinndor tower , he was alone. And Snape was right.
Snape was right and Harry was wrong.
Harry stood slowly, determined to not look at Snape as he left. He walked to the corner of the room and picked up his broken wand and said loud enough for Snape to hear, "See you tomorrow Professor."
Harry didn't go the next day of course. And He was sure Snape didn't want to see him anyways. So he stayed like he always had when he wasn't training. Either in the Hogwarts Library reading, down by the Quidditch pitch, or by the Lake. Mostly thinking and sometimes trying not to think at all.
Three days later, after Harry hadn't trained or slept barely at all, an owl arrived for him. He opened it and read.
'Potter-
Come down to my office. Now.
Professor Snape '
Harry nervously made his way down to Snape's office and wondered whether or not he would make it out alive. When he came to the door he paused wondering if walking in without knocking was still okay. But as his hand was about to make contact with the door he heard Snape's voice say;
"Come in Potter."
Harry opened the door carefully and shut it behind him. "Sir?" Harry asked as he made his way to the front of the room. Snape said nothing as he sat at his desk . He merely stared for a second and then pushed a small package toward him. Harry stared at it confused. " For God sakes Potter, Open it." Snape said dryly.
Harry took the brown package and opened it carefully. He pulled out a Nice dark brown wand, made of Holly with a phoenix feather and the length Harry knew at about eleven inches.
Snape had bought him a new wand.
He looked up at Snape who seemed to be scratching something quickly onto parchment. "Err...thank you , Sir. For the wand I mean." Harry said wondering how stupid he sounded to Snape. "Don't be pathetic Potter. I broke Your wand. It's only sensible I buy you another." Snape said still not looking at him.
" But still...err...., thanks."
He didn't expect Snape to say your welcome and he most certainly never would. "Since your wand is back I expect your down here everyday like usual. Understood?" Snape asked looking up at Harry for the first time since he had entered.
"Yes Sir." Harry said looking back down at his wand.
Snape nodded at him and Harry made his leave to the door. As he grabbed the handle he stopped and turned for a moment and spoke, "I'm sorry about the other day ." and opened the door and closed it behind him.
As Harry made his way up to the Gryffindor tower he tried to put a finger on the feeling he felt in his stomach. He wasn't sure what it was, but it almost felt as if he and Snape had finally, after nearly six years, made some sort of peace.