Source Of All Joy

by gracie3

Severus Snape has never had a happy life. His is life, love, loss, and the hardest decisions. This fic is pretty tame for now, but it will get romantic-sexy-violent-sad in later parts. I promise.

3. Part Three: Where Will You Go?

Standard disclaimers apply, my loves.

Source Of All Joy Part III: Where Will You Go?

            "O.W.L.s, as you know, are the preliminary steps in determining your ranking in your sixth and seventh years." Professor Dumbledore had begun his morning lecture to the assembled Slytherins and Gryffindors in the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. "It is my hope that in this class you have learned your subjects well and feel confident enough to take these exams with the minimal amount of stress." At the sudden wave of whispers, groans, and snickers, Dumbledore simply smiled a little. His comment always got that reaction, but it remained a fact that his Defense students got nothing less than O's.

            As he surveyed his class, his eyes fell on two groups of people. The four Gryffindor boys who had established themselves as the Marauders, and a knot of Slytherin boys who, he thought, had banded together to protect themselves from the Marauders. More likely to protect that one boy, he decided.

            Poor Severus Snape. That boy was so hardened, and so jaded. He was exceptionally talented when it came to the Dark Arts and Potions; he had been the first to brew a perfect Veritaserum as his final project. His healing potions were extraordinary, and Madame Pomfrey herself could make no finer. Severus was a boy to make his father proud, were he not so hostile. Despite the fact that he did have friends, Dumbledore noted that Severus spent most of his time alone, or in the company of the injured girl in the hospital wing.

            "Hey," hissed Tom Riddle, from next to Severus. "Are you going to the Yule Ball?"

            The group of Slytherin boys all sniggered at this. "Of course," Lucius Malfoy said, half-sarcastically. "Wouldn't want to miss the social event of the year, would you, mate?"

            Arthur Lestrange, a tall redheaded boy, shot a look over at Bellatrix Black, who fluttered her eyelashes at him. "Well, I don't know about you blokes, but I know just the girl I'm going to ask"

            Lucius grinned, eyeing Bellatrix's sister Narcissa, who shot him a smile before ducking back down into her magazine. "Same here."

            "Anyone for you, Snape?" Riddle asked. "I've got my eye on that Ravenclaw beauty."

            "Who?" Severus asked, suddenly alert.

            "That blue eyed girl in the hospital wing," Riddle said matter-of-factly. "She'd be well enough to dance for a bit, don't you think?"

            Severus felt his fists clench. Riddle could not have her. He couldn't. "Oh, ah," he stuttered. . "She's… she's not supposed to move for a bit longer, I reckon. I—I've been visiting her lately to… give her homework and such." Besides, she hates you for asking her for a kiss, remember? Severus banished the thought. Radixa had been in the hospital wing for weeks while Madame Pomfrey tried to figure out what was wrong with her. She kept having relapses of terrible headaches and often was dizzy. She couldn't eat very much at a time and vomited what little she ate.

Riddle frowned at the obvious lie. "Oh, for Merlin's sake, Severus. I'm asking her to a ball. It's not like I'm going to harm her." His eyes glinted maliciously. "I mean, come on, it wasn't me who put her in the woods that night. I'm just a regular boy."

            Severus sat back sullenly. There was no way he was going to let Riddle near Radixa. He didn't trust him at all. He might have been a friend, but he was also incredibly crafty and ruthless. Had he not been so knowledgeable in the Dark Arts and so oddly compelling, Severus probably wouldn't have had much to do with him at all. He made up his mind to go to the hospital wing at lunch hour. Which, unfortunately, was in more than two hours. He still had to sit through Transfiguration and Herbology.

            The thought made him ache. Then another thought entered his mind. He did not want to go to the ball. It was pointless. But he would go and endure it if it would keep Radixa away from Tom Riddle. He could just persuade her not to go, if she was even allowed out of bed after that episode a week ago. No one had ever seen someone bleed from their eyes without spell damage, and it terrified him.

            "Snape, Riddle!" Dumbledore paused in his lecture. "Kindly cease your conversation or I shall take points off Slytherin."

            Riddle sank low in his seat, muttering imprecations under his breath. Severus was too busy thinking. He had to keep Radixa for himself… and then he stopped.

            Where had that come from? Looking at Riddle, and then down at his clenched hands, he realized the reason he was angry at him. He wanted Radixa.

            That thought, too, made him ache.

            "I can't dance," Radixa said, looking at him. "Besides, I haven't been out of bed for a good five weeks, and I still don't know why I'm here." She held up her right hand. "And I just discovered this. I don't know what it is." The sun had set outside, leaving a deep black sky. Gone was his plan to visit at lunch hour; Tom had cornered him in conversation, suspecting his plans.

            The skull grinned luridly at him, the serpent twining out of its mouth. It made Severus shiver. "Anyway, the ball is in two days, and if I can't get up for it I can't go." Radixa was being quite reasonable. "And I've got no one to go with."

            "Go with me," Severus blurted out, and then blushed.

            Radixa stopped for a moment, and then turned as red as him. "You mean that?"

            "I… yes." Severus was furious at himself for blushing so violently. But no point in beating around it.

            "All right, then," Radixa said, grinning. "If I can get out of bed, I… I'll be your date." She smiled down at her hands.

            Severus, meanwhile, was too busy being ecstatic that she had said yes to notice that Riddle was standing in the doorway glowering. "Good night then," Severus said quickly, standing up. He turned to go, and was stopped by Radixa's hand on his.

            He turned back and Radixa was looking up at him with those luminous blue eyes… somehow he knew exactly what this moment meant. He bent down over her bed and brushed his lips against hers. The sensation sent tingles through him, to his very fingertips. He pressed his lips more firmly to hers and then pulled back, leaving them both shaken. "G-good night," Severus stammered, and fled.

            The hallway was cool. Supper would be served in the Great Hall in ten minutes, according to his watch. He headed for the portrait of the knight that would lead him to the Great Hall.

            "You greedy bastard," Tom Riddle's voice was cold. "No wonder you didn't want me asking her. You wanted her for yourself."

            Severus turned to meet the bitter, terse eyes of his friend. "Tom, I…"

            Riddle stopped him with a hand over his mouth. "You knew I wanted her, Snape."

            "She's not a thing, Riddle!" Severus said hotly. "She's a person, and something's happened to her, and I just think…"

            "You think? Oh, you think?" Riddle was furious. "What do you think, Snape? Hm?"

            "I think you should leave her the hell alone," Severus exploded. "You hit the girl, for Merlin's sake! On the train ride here, or don't you remember? She wouldn't say yes to you anyhow!"

            Riddle relaxed into his confident, easy smile. "Yes she would. I have that charm." His voice was smooth.

            Severus, being male, was immune to that "charm", whatever it was, and scoffed. "Riddle. She said yes. To me." He punctuated those last two words. "You could have any girl you wanted." This was painfully true; all the girls seemed to melt under Tom Riddle's gaze. "Have pity on the boy who has a hard time getting a date."

            The self-deprecation and flattery seemed to soften Riddle. He relaxed. "You're right, mate. Sorry. You can have her." Riddle flashed an apologetic grin. "Sorry about that." He headed in the direction of the portrait. He turned before he climbed in. "See you at supper?"

            "Sure."

            Severus was relieved to have come through that argument alive. Riddle was spoiled, and used to getting what he wanted, and Severus was glad he had given in.

            He went to supper feeling a little more confident in himself. Radixa had said yes, and Tom hadn't been angry with him for it. Wonderful. Maybe he would enjoy Christmas this year.

            "I can't go," were Radixa's first words when he walked in the next morning. She looked extraordinarily glum.

            "What?" Severus had been half-expecting it, but the disappointment was surprisingly strong.

            "I can't walk so far, according to Madame Pomfrey," Radixa said sullenly. "I'm fine, really!"

            "Well, Madame Pomfrey knows what she's doing, I'm sure," Severus said dejectedly, plopping himself into his usual chair next to her bed.

            Radixa sighed. "You know, I've been able to walk for a long time, and I'm not physically sick, it's just…"

            "Sh." Severus cut her off softly. "You don't have to qualify yourself to me, Radixa. I understand." He sat back in the chair. "This is why I can't stand authority," he said sullenly. "It keeps me from the things I want."

            Radixa laughed. "Oh, don't worry. It won't keep you from me." Her eyes glinted. Then she grew solemn. "You know, Madame Pomfrey said the last effects of the potion should be wearing off soon. I refused to take it any longer. I think she gave in."

            Severus sat up, instantly concerned. "And… and you'll remember everything?"

            "I hope so!" Radixa crossed her arms. "I'm sick of this."

            Severus bit his lower lip. "Maybe… maybe you don't need to remember it."

            Radixa frowned. "Why not? Don't I have the right to know? I mean, I've been here nearly six weeks." She adjusted the covers over her. "I've seen people much sicker and more injured than me come in here and come out good as new after an overnight." She looked down at herself. "My cuts and bruises are nearly healed." And it was true. Her face was almost entirely back to normal, save for one small bruise still left on her forehead near her hair.

            She looked quite pretty, all imperious and stubborn, wearing a white nightdress and playing morosely with a strand of that incredible hair. But she didn't need to remember, Severus thought. What he had seen was bad enough, and it haunted him still. The one comfort he had was that she was alive and well and beautiful.

            So he leaned over her and placed a kiss first on her forehead and then on her lips. "I'm going to classes," he said. "And I will be back tonight." He swept out of the room, already planning.

            Radixa harrumphed and reached over for her Potions textbook.

            It was snowing by sundown, and Radixa was restless, watching the wind swirl the flakes in a violent dance through the air. "How I hate winter," she sighed to Madame Pomfrey. "Not even Christmas makes all this cold worth it."

            Madame Pomfrey smiled and ladled out another dose of the Oblivion Potion. She left the goblet on the bedside table. "Don't forget to take this, my duck," she said cheerfully. "You'll want to enjoy Christmas Eve, now, won't you?"

            Radixa shook her head. "Not if I can't go to the ball." She was still upset about it. "I can't believe I've been here for so many weeks, and still no one knows what's wrong with me. I'm fine."

            "No you're not," Madame Pomfrey said, suddenly serious. "If you were, you would have been out of here long ago." She adjusted the holly in her hair. "Now, no more frowning. I'm sure you'll have some fun tonight."

            Radixa made a doubtful face. "The only interesting thing I've done is study."

            Madame Pomfrey laughed. "Oh, I daresay you've had a bit more fun than that." She bustled around the hospital wing, making unnecessary adjustments on the already perfect Christmas decorations. "You've had an awful lot of visits from Mr. Snape."

            Radixa blushed fiercely. "Well…"

            "You're permitted to like him, you know," Madame Pomfrey said. She placed a sprig of mistletoe over the headboard of Radixa's bed. "Not that you need it," she said, with a playful pat on the girl's head.

            "Will you go to the ball tonight?" Radixa couldn't resist asking.

            "I suppose I will." Madame Pomfrey said. "After all, you're the only one here now."

            "Well I know it," Radixa said bitterly. "And what will I do when you're gone?"

            "You will rest," Madame Pomfrey said. "And you won't leave the room, and you can have some food from the kitchens. Just tap the table." She indicated the small table next to Radixa's bed. "Tap it with your wand and say, 'sustain me', and you'll have yourself a meal."

            Radixa nodded, absorbing the information. "Now. I'm off to get ready." Madame Pomfrey went to the big double doors. "You'll be all right, won't you? There will be house-elves here to take care of everything."

            Radixa nodded again. "Go. Enjoy yourself." She held up her Potions textbook. "I've got what to do."

            Silence descended behind the matron, and the doors shut. Radixa sighed. There would be nothing to do for the entire night. Christmas had a way of making everything turn a hundred and eighty degrees to the opposite. Hate and grudges dissolved into charity and forgiveness… order and routine became disorder and chaos, full of joy, just for one night. Boxing Day was for recovery, and then things would return to normal. Radixa wondered if she would have any Christmas presents.

            Just as she was getting absorbed in the chapter concerning magical stones and their properties in potions, the door opened. Radixa looked up and broke into a huge smile. "Severus!"

            Severus slid into the room, dressed in elegant black dress robes and carrying two packages. He grinned mischievously. "Hello, Radixa." He sat down in his chair and placed the packages on the bed. One of them was much larger than the other. Radixa looked at him, puzzled.

            Severus unwrapped the big package. It turned out to be food. "It's what we were eating downstairs," he said. "I sneaked into the kitchen."

            Radixa laughed. He had had this all planned out; she was willing to wager on it. "You look marvelous," she said admiringly. And he did: his hair was brushed and pulled back into a ponytail, tied with a thin leather strip. He looked happy, for once. She couldn't say the same for herself, however. She was dressed in a long white nightgown, her hair hanging loose and in need of a brushing.

            Severus thought she looked lovely, and told her so. They set to eating and talking. "You're missing the dancing," Radixa said. "You didn't have to do this, you know."

            "I know." Severus picked up a biscuit and bit into it. "I wanted to. And as for the dancing," he put his food down and stood up. "That can be fixed." He waved his wand and muttered, "Symphono."

            Music threaded through the air, and Radixa looked around in astonishment. "How did you do that?"

            "Some charms don't escape me," Severus said, grinning. He held out his hand. "May I have the honor of this dance?"

            Radixa couldn't help but smile. She got up out of bed and took his hand. "Charmed, I'm sure," she said playfully. She let him pull her into a waltz, spinning slowly around the room.

            "This is better than any dance," Severus said. "It's too noisy down there anyhow." He swayed her and dipped her, eliciting a delighted laugh.

            "All right, all right," she gasped a moment later. "I'm tired now."

            Severus helped her sit back on the bed. "Maybe Madame Pomfrey was right," Radixa said. "Maybe I'm not well enough to go down there." She rested for a moment and reached for the smaller package. "What's this?" she asked mischievously, giving it a soft shake. The box was wrapped in white paper and tied with gold ribbon.     

            Severus grinned. "Open it."

            Radixa looked like a little girl as she took off the paper carefully. It was a box from Straussman's Wizard Jewelry Shoppe. Radixa opened the box and gasped. It was a necklace. She lifted it up in astonishment. It was a thin silver chain with a pendant. The pendant was engraved with a symbol; one that Radixa recognized from a textbook. It meant devotion and loyalty. A photograph fell out. Radixa picked it up and laughed softly. It was a picture of Severus himself, grinning and waving at her.

            She looked up at him. Severus looked anxious. "It's awful, isn't it?" he said. "I have no taste, I know…"

            She shushed him. "It's beautiful. It's perfect." She attempted to put the necklace on, and he helped her fasten it. "I love it." She pulled him down into a kiss. "But… I didn't get you anything…" Her face fell.

            "I don't need anything," Severus said. "I've got you." That made Radixa smile.

            Then she showed him the trick of tapping the table for food, and magnificent cakes and pastries appeared. They gorged themselves. Radixa sat back. "I'm stuffed. I can eat no more." She watched Severus pop one more éclair into his mouth and smiled. "Pig."

            "No, growing man," Severus said, dotting a bit of chocolate onto her nose.

            "Well… it's all right. You're my pig," Radixa said, taking his hand. She wiped the chocolate off her nose and licked her finger. "Mmm. Delicious."

            The clock showed it was well past midnight, and Severus knew he would have to hurry back to the dorms to avoid being caught. "Evanesco," he said hurriedly, banishing the mess from their dinner and present unwrapping. "I have to go," he said. "I'm going to get killed for being out this late." He leaned over and kissed her deeply and quickly. "Happy Christmas."

            "Same to you," Radixa called after him as he fled.

            Severus felt his heart pounding. God, he was happy…

            The scream tore through his very insides. Severus stopped dead. It had come from the hospital wing. He whipped back around and ran faster than he'd ever run in his life.

            Flinging open the door, he saw Radixa sprawled on the floor, gasping for breath. He ran to her and turned her over. The mark on her hand glowed fiercely red and then black, singeing her skin. She didn't recognize him when she looked at him. "Oh, God, help me," she begged thin air. "Oh, get him off me… I just wanted to work on a potion… not wanted… get off!'" She flung Severus off her and hunched herself on the floor.

            "Who, Radixa? What?" he was screaming to be heard over her panic. "What happened? What are you talking about?"

            The girl didn't answer. She looked at him with wild, hunted eyes and shied away from his touch. "NO!" she screamed when he reached out again. "NO, NO, NO!"

            At that moment the doors flew open, and Madame Pomfrey burst in. She looked at the scene in horror. "What is going on here?" she demanded.

            Radixa was shaking and crying. "Leave me alone," she begged Madame Pomfrey with unseeing eyes. "Leave me be… oh, God!" She slumped over, breathing hard. Severus moved to touch her, and found her unresisting. He drew her into his arms. "What he did to me…" Radixa's voice was choked. She clung to him like a little girl. "Why?"

            But she didn't want an answer. Severus felt her go limp in his arms, and Madame Pomfrey reached for the girl with shaking hands. "Let her go, Mr. Snape," she said quietly. "Put her on the bed."

            "What's wrong with her?" Severus asked.

            "The potion." Madame Pomfrey gestured to the still full glass of the Oblivion Potion on the side table. "She didn't take it."

            Severus looked down in horror at the trembling heap that was Radixa. "This is why you gave it to her," he said, his voice constricted. "Because whoever did this made her insane?"

            "Not insane," Madame Pomfrey helped him put Radixa back in bed. "He hurt her, Snape. He scarred her in unimaginable places."

            Severus could well believe that, remembering the way she had looked when he found her in the forest. She had been completely unconscious. He put his face in his hands. "Oh, gods… oh, gods," was all he could say.

            "You'd best get to bed," Madame Pomfrey said. "There's nothing more you can do." She covered Radixa up with a blanket and sighed. "She's going to need something more than we can give her."

            Severus gave Radixa one last look and turned to go. The necklace glinted in the light, and he made it out to the hallway before he started to cry.

            It was a long, lonely walk back to the Slytherin common room. He struggled to keep his face hidden, wiping his tears away fiercely and muffling his violent sobs. Oh, he hated whoever had done this to her. He hated whoever it was. He vowed that if he ever found them, he would kill them with his own bare hands.

            "Snape!"

            He turned, trying to dry his face, willing his eyes not to be red. Riddle was walking towards him. "Snape!" He stopped. "What happened, old man? You look awful!" Riddle steered his friend into brighter light. "You've been crying. What happened?"

            "Nothing," Severus said roughly. "Just let it be." He tried to get past Riddle, but Riddle blocked him.     

            "Come on, Snape. I know where you were." Riddle crossed his arms. "She's not going to get any better. You might as well just let her go. You're being a right fool with this." He looked quite unforgiving. "It's not like you love her or anything. You're just attracted to her."

            Severus felt his rage rise. He had no right to judge, nor could he know people's feelings. He shoved past Riddle. "Let me go, Tom. I'm in no mood to be judged."

            Up in his dormitory, Severus collapsed onto his bed and yanked the curtains shut around himself. His head hurt and his nose was stuffed from crying. His throat felt raw. It was nearly one o' clock in the morning. He closed his eyes, wincing at the sting, and fell into an uneasy sleep.

            The sunlight that morning was sharp, clear, filtering through thin gray clouds. It hit Severus full in the face, and he covered his eyes with his hand. Someone had opened his curtains during the night. He sat up groggily, and sighed. He didn't feel refreshed at all.

            He dressed himself slowly and went down into the Great Hall to eat. He was so angry, and so scared, and so hurt for the poor girl… he found he wasn't in the mood to eat. Maybe a bit of fresh air would do him good. He went back to his dormitory to get his winter cloak and headed outside, with Julius his owl on his arm. Watching the bird fly off into the thin gray sky, he suddenly wished fervently that he too had wings and could simply escape.

            A horseless carriage drew up to the castle, and Severus paid no attention to it aside from a passing glance. Several gray-robed wizards piled out and headed in a line to one of the entrances.

            The next thing he saw brought horror into his very bones.

            Madame Pomfrey and Professor Dumbledore were helping Radixa walk down the steps. She was wrapped in a cloak and her hair was braided. She looked exhausted and scared. They were taking her to the carriage. Away from Hogwarts. Away from him.

            "Oh, gods," he murmured, rooted to the spot. "Oh, no…"

            Radixa looked up and saw him. Her eyes widened and she looked away. Severus realized she had been crying; her eyes were red. She climbed into the carriage, assisted by the wizards in their gray robes.

            "Radixa!" He didn't know where his voice had come from, or the strength to start running, but suddenly he was at the door of the carriage, banging on it and screaming her name. "Radixa, please!"

            Radixa looked at him through the window on the door and started to sob. But she turned away, and Severus felt his whole insides collapse and turn to lead. He banged on the door again. "Where are you taking her?" he pleaded. "Where?"

            Professor Dumbledore pulled him away from the carriage as it started to move forward. "Severus," he was saying. "Severus, calm yourself." His voice was quiet, controlled, and Severus raged against it.

            "You selfish bastard!" he screamed at Dumbledore. "You're taking her away from me!" He shoved the older man away from him. "How could you do this!?"

            The tears were freezing on his face. "You son of a bitch!" He screamed incoherently, his rage and his loss overwhelming him. Severus had never felt anything like this before, never felt so much confusion and pain at once.

            Dumbledore caught him before he fell.

            He never saw Radixa again.

            Try as his friends might, there was no cheering Severus up. He refused, and buried himself in his books. His grades skyrocketed because he never did anything but study.

            Tom Riddle worried about him. He was exceptionally talented and a valuable friend, especially when it came time for O.W.L.s. Whatever he didn't understand in Potions he could ask Severus. Whatever escaped him in Herbology, he could clarify with Severus. The poor boy was turning into a recluse. But he had potential. Oh, yes. Potential to be very great, very brave… very powerful. And that was what Riddle needed.

            So he stayed by his friend's side, and became his confidante. And Severus suspected nothing. He slowly (very slowly) began to let Radixa go. He gave up trying to find her after a long, heartbreaking month, and went back to his school life. There was nothing he could do.

            Severus passed his O.W.L.s with flying colors. He couldn't help but feel a small amount of satisfaction that he had beaten every single student in Slytherin, and was even able to ignore James and his cronies shouting insults at him from across the Great Hall. It was no comfort, however, that he had two more years to go at Hogwarts.

            The one thing that made it all right was that he wasn't alone. His Slytherin companions had rallied around him in their own way, if not entirely conspicuously. He had someone to talk to if he needed to.

            That was more than he could say for his home. He had received a short letter from his father, informing him that they had taken in a new house elf, this one named Timor. His mother was in "good health" and his father "busy, as is usual". The banality of the letter did not surprise him, but it hurt anyway.

            Now he was on his way back to that cold, dark place. The thought was not pleasing.

            Looking up from his O.W.L results list, he saw the Great Hall was nearly empty. Time for life to begin again outside of the castle. He headed for the door. The train would be there soon.