January 2
The holidays have gone by so fast; I can barely keep track of the days. Lily, James and Sirius left for the Potters' and will return on January sixth with the rest of the school. Peter is coming back a day early because his parents are going on a business trip and are leaving the afternoon of the fifth. And so much has happened here that I don't know where to begin.
Remus and I have done so much this holiday so far, including shopping in Hogsmeade for hours on end and enjoying glass after glass of Butterbeer in the Three Broomsticks. (Note to Abby: next time less drinking, more chatting because Butterbeer is mild but potent when you drink over ten glasses in two hours.) We've also made numerous trips to the shack via the underground tunnel that starts by the Whomping Willow. Luckily, the subject Lily touched on hasn't come up yet, giving me a total sense of relief. I think Remus can sense that I'm not ready for that step in our relationship and I don't think he is either. Although things have come close, we're responsible enough to know when to stop. Besides, Dumbledore nearly caught us so we had to act quick.
Remus and I made a pact almost three weeks ago not to get one another any gifts for Christmas, seeing as it puts a lot of pressure on each other because you want to get the best thing possible and it never seems to be found. That's been our unspoken rule for weeks now. But while shopping in Hogsmeade, I saw the perfect book that I knew he would love. So sue me, I bought it for him. But I don't feel so guilty because he bought me a sweater that I had been eyeing for the longest time. I guess our pact didn't hold out too long, but as long as we broke it together.
I got gift certificates for James, Sirius and Peter from various shops in Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade and bought Lily a complete package of bath stuff that she likes, including those bath beads and little crystals that are supposed to make the bath water smoother. Personally I think they hurt like hell when one sits down, but I guess that's why I don't use them.
Christmas Eve was a blast. All the Professors, including Dumbledore, got entirely too tipsy to be watchful and I understood fully while the students who stayed at school for the holidays got more leeway with everything. Professor Dumbledore actually began singing up at the Head Table, although he lacked the typical Sirius quality of standing on the table while doing so.
I think I'm going to go for now. Sorry this entry is so short but I'm exhausted. Remus and I have slept in the common room the past few nights, seeing as there's only three other Gryffindors at Hogwarts for the break and I need to catch up on my sleep in my own bed.
Contentedly yours,
Abby
January 7
Everyone's back and classes have started again. I had big plans to elaborate on the Christmas break but there wasn't much to elaborate on. It amazes me how I can fill three pages on one day in Hogsmeade, but can't seem to convey the positively radiant feelings I felt over the holidays. I'm now positive in my heart that I'm in love with Remus and I'm fairly certain that he loves me, yet I don't want to be the one to approach the subject first. How could I ever put into words the simple joy and pleasure he gives me every day, just by smiling or brushing my hand with his with the lightest graze?
Lily confessed to me last night that James told her he loved her over the holidays and she was giddy with the news. "Have you said it to Remus yet?" she asked breathlessly into the darkness of our dorm.
"No," I replied, glad that she couldn't see my face going red. I desperately searched for another topic to switch to. "How did it go with Sirius and his 'lady friend'?" I listened while Lily told me how Sirius approached Daisy Dandelion (don't ask) and immediately received a slap to the face. "What did he say?" I asked.
"Don't know," Lily replied, giggling to herself. "But he moped for nearly the entire holiday."
After Lily fell asleep, I found myself staring at the ceiling, not thinking about anything in particular. I was excited that classes were starting again (and they went fine today, thankfully) but I began wondering if I should tell Remus I loved him first. It's a scary notion and I shake even now as I write this. I need more sleep.
Your exhausted friend,
Abby
January 12
Remus has disappeared again for this month, but I don't feel angry like I used to, now that I know the full story. Still, I find myself wishing I could follow the four of them into the shack in Hogsmeade and sit by Remus as he endured his burden. But when I ran the idea past Lily, she once again had to stop herself from slapping me.
"You're crazy," she said, rolling her eyes.
"Love makes you do crazy things," I retorted airily.
Her eyes widened as she looked back up at me. "You really love him, don't you?" she asked, seeing the look in my eyes. "You really care for him."
"I do," I replied honestly, unable to control my silly grin. "I really, really do, Lily. And I don't know how to tell him."
She sighed and leaned back in her seat, abandoning the book on her lap. "James told me when we were sitting by the Christmas tree downstairs, late Christmas Eve. Sirius had gone up to bed already and James' parents were in bed long before midnight. He looked deep into my eyes and held my hands and said, 'There's something I've wanted to tell you for so long now. Lily Evans, I love you and one day I want to marry you.'" She closed her eyes as if to replay the scene in her mind. "It was so romantic," she concluded.
"I want that," I said dreamily. "But I don't want to be the one to tell him first."
Lily looked at me seriously. "You might have to be," she warned. "Remus is the quiet type of guy, always been the shy one. If you don't tell him first, the words might never get said." She went back to reading her book, but I reflected on her advice wisely. If I wanted something to be said, I would have to start it myself. After all, if James hadn't told Lily he loved her first, then they might very well have still been sitting in silence.
Despairingly yours,
Abby
January 20
Remus came back a few days ago. He still looks exhausted and worn and I wish I could do something that would help him out a little bit. He's still as sweet as ever, though, and he wants to make plans for another date real soon. "I know there are no more trips to Hogsmeade just yet," he said, "but I was thinking a nice walk outside. When the snow stops blowing, that is."
The wind has been howling all day and for a while it looked as though the snow would never let up. But it's started to dissipate from the air now, leaving a nice blanket covered ground for us to romp on. Yes indeed, James and Sirius are at it again, only this time they're in serious trouble. They got a little careless yesterday and managed to hit Professor Grundy with a flurry of snowballs. Needless to say, they're both in detention for the next month or so, although I think Dumbledore snickered when he heard the story.
I've started my Transfiguration lessons with Remus again and he's incredibly impressed with my 'outstanding talents'. "You've really come a long way," he informed me with that oh-so-wonderful smile that always makes me go weak at the knees. "You'll do fine on your exam."
"Transfiguration, yes," I agreed, marking off a phantom checklist in the air. "Potions is becoming a hassle, though, and I'm afraid I'm going to fail that."
Remus chuckled to himself. "Can't help you there," he said. "I'm in the same boat."
"That's okay," I said, grinning back at him. "We'll fail together."
"I'll never understand how you two got into NEWT Potions after all," Sirius said, joining us at the library table. "No offense, but if I was dying and one of you two offered me a life-saving potion, I would gladly be knocking on death's door."
"Thanks," I said, shoving his shoulder so that he slid sideways off the table.
"At least that death would be voluntary," he added, grinning stupidly.
As much as I hate to admit this, I feel that Lily's temper with Sirius is slowly eroding, leaving her hatred for him pretty obvious. She can't take his jokes as well as the rest of us. James claims it's because she takes everything to heart, but I'm convinced she's just being uptight and I told her so two nights ago.
"I'm not uptight," she argued. "I'm just...particular about my friends."
"No you're not," I argued back, grinning at her. "You're my friend, right? Besides," I added when she failed to smile, "Sirius is James' best friend. You're going to have to get used to him eventually."
"No," she replied stoutly, but I could see the wheels in her brilliant brain working out a way that Sirius and James could stay friends without Lily wanting to murder Sirius every other hour. Although I can't say I can blame her entirely. Sirius is a great guy; he just doesn't know when to stop pushing the line. It can be somewhat irritating after a while.
Dumbledore made another announcement today that Voldemort has gained more followers. He's asking all teachers to join him in the fight—the proverbial "battle against good and evil" and James is right up there, planning on fighting beside Dumbledore.
"They don't come any greater than him!" he said, watching Dumbledore leave the Head Table after his announcement. "And I want to be right there beside him throughout the entire fight."
Remus cleared his throat. "I seem to remember last week when Sirius joked that he saw Voldemort coming across the lake," he teased. "It looked as though you were hiding behind Peter, James."
James' face went red with fury. "I was not," he argued. "I thought I had lost my glasses is all."
Sirius grinned. "Flobberworm," he shot and James gave Sirius an unkind gesture with both of his hands for which Lily reprimanded him sharply. I'm only admitting to myself that this whole Voldemort thing is beginning to scare me more than I originally let on. I hate thinking that he's trying to rid the wizarding world of all people from Muggle parentage; that means Lily and I fear that she's at risk. The rest of us all have magical parentage and Voldemort is said to have been trying to recruit vampires, werewolves and other 'dark' creatures.
"I'll bet my entire life savings that Snape would gladly jump to Voldemort's defense," Sirius sneered at the Slytherin table where Severus Snape sat, watching Dumbledore with a mixed expression on his slimy face. "He's always been one dark dude."
James snorted. "Dude?"
Sirius shrugged. "I heard Daisy Dandelion saying it," he replied, his face going red. We had all heard the story of Miss Dandelion by then and no one bothered teasing Sirius about it. I guess we all agreed with him; Snape was the least likely trusted student in the school at that time and I figured any day after graduation, he would be rooting for Voldemort.
Graduation is a whole other world. It's only five months away, which may seem like a lot but when you start adding all the things we still have to learn in classes, as well as prep for exams and NEWTs as well as prepare for the outside world, it tends to make your head spin. Or at least it does mine, unless that's just the smile Remus is giving me again. That tends to make me dizzy, too.
January 29
Oh wow, what a night. Remus and I were able to put our fears about Voldemort aside for one evening and enjoyed a perfectly romantic stroll outside. The moon was peeking through the clouds above us (obviously not full), casting a gentle shadow on everything around us. The snow beneath us also helped illuminate the night as we sat on a dry bench by the castle and talked while the stars danced above our heads.
"I'm really enjoying my time with you," Remus said, cupping my face in his hands. "You are one of the greatest girls I've ever known."
"One of the greatest girls?" I teased, pretending to turn away. He brought my face back to him and kissed my lips gently.
"Okay, the greatest," he corrected with a smile. Then he sighed and looked up at the sky. "Just imagine," he said slowly, "a whole other world out there, things beyond even our wildest imaginations. Amazing, isn't it?"
I looked up at the sky as well, expecting only to see stars. Instead, I did see the whole other world Remus was talking about. In our minds only, the stars turned into miniature people, twirling one another around the velvety background, far into the night where no one could bother them or touch them. They were their own world and that's what possessed me to do what I felt.
"Remus," I said, drawing his attention back to me. "About our relationship..."
"Ah, yes," he interrupted, avoiding looking at me. "The infamous talk. I must admit, I was dreading when this chat came to pass. I've been enjoying our time together so much that I don't want to see it end."
"But..."
"No, Abby, that's alright." He moved to stand up and walk away from me. "I understand completely. You need your space. I'm crowding you in. The fact that I run around as a werewolf once a month frightens and repulses you. Well, forgive me, but thank you for such a wonderful experience."
I jumped up and grabbed his hand, spinning him around to face me. I kissed his mouth hungrily, as though I would never taste him again. The world around me spun as I thought to myself, "This is the way it should be. This is the way it always should have been. This is the way I am complete." When we broke apart, it took me a minute to collect my thoughts. "I love you," I managed to say without halting. "I think I always have loved you. You and I are so right together and I never want to lose what we have."
He embraced me tightly. "I love you too," he replied softly. We stood like that for a long time and I listened to his heart beat. Now, as I sit in my bed, unable to rid the chill from my bones, my heart radiates happiness and joy. Excitement flows through my veins and pumps into my most vital organ. I feel as though the happiness will never cease from my mind, but I am tired. I'm going to sleep now, to dream about my perfect little world in which I feel whole.
The holidays have gone by so fast; I can barely keep track of the days. Lily, James and Sirius left for the Potters' and will return on January sixth with the rest of the school. Peter is coming back a day early because his parents are going on a business trip and are leaving the afternoon of the fifth. And so much has happened here that I don't know where to begin.
Remus and I have done so much this holiday so far, including shopping in Hogsmeade for hours on end and enjoying glass after glass of Butterbeer in the Three Broomsticks. (Note to Abby: next time less drinking, more chatting because Butterbeer is mild but potent when you drink over ten glasses in two hours.) We've also made numerous trips to the shack via the underground tunnel that starts by the Whomping Willow. Luckily, the subject Lily touched on hasn't come up yet, giving me a total sense of relief. I think Remus can sense that I'm not ready for that step in our relationship and I don't think he is either. Although things have come close, we're responsible enough to know when to stop. Besides, Dumbledore nearly caught us so we had to act quick.
Remus and I made a pact almost three weeks ago not to get one another any gifts for Christmas, seeing as it puts a lot of pressure on each other because you want to get the best thing possible and it never seems to be found. That's been our unspoken rule for weeks now. But while shopping in Hogsmeade, I saw the perfect book that I knew he would love. So sue me, I bought it for him. But I don't feel so guilty because he bought me a sweater that I had been eyeing for the longest time. I guess our pact didn't hold out too long, but as long as we broke it together.
I got gift certificates for James, Sirius and Peter from various shops in Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade and bought Lily a complete package of bath stuff that she likes, including those bath beads and little crystals that are supposed to make the bath water smoother. Personally I think they hurt like hell when one sits down, but I guess that's why I don't use them.
Christmas Eve was a blast. All the Professors, including Dumbledore, got entirely too tipsy to be watchful and I understood fully while the students who stayed at school for the holidays got more leeway with everything. Professor Dumbledore actually began singing up at the Head Table, although he lacked the typical Sirius quality of standing on the table while doing so.
I think I'm going to go for now. Sorry this entry is so short but I'm exhausted. Remus and I have slept in the common room the past few nights, seeing as there's only three other Gryffindors at Hogwarts for the break and I need to catch up on my sleep in my own bed.
Contentedly yours,
Abby
January 7
Everyone's back and classes have started again. I had big plans to elaborate on the Christmas break but there wasn't much to elaborate on. It amazes me how I can fill three pages on one day in Hogsmeade, but can't seem to convey the positively radiant feelings I felt over the holidays. I'm now positive in my heart that I'm in love with Remus and I'm fairly certain that he loves me, yet I don't want to be the one to approach the subject first. How could I ever put into words the simple joy and pleasure he gives me every day, just by smiling or brushing my hand with his with the lightest graze?
Lily confessed to me last night that James told her he loved her over the holidays and she was giddy with the news. "Have you said it to Remus yet?" she asked breathlessly into the darkness of our dorm.
"No," I replied, glad that she couldn't see my face going red. I desperately searched for another topic to switch to. "How did it go with Sirius and his 'lady friend'?" I listened while Lily told me how Sirius approached Daisy Dandelion (don't ask) and immediately received a slap to the face. "What did he say?" I asked.
"Don't know," Lily replied, giggling to herself. "But he moped for nearly the entire holiday."
After Lily fell asleep, I found myself staring at the ceiling, not thinking about anything in particular. I was excited that classes were starting again (and they went fine today, thankfully) but I began wondering if I should tell Remus I loved him first. It's a scary notion and I shake even now as I write this. I need more sleep.
Your exhausted friend,
Abby
January 12
Remus has disappeared again for this month, but I don't feel angry like I used to, now that I know the full story. Still, I find myself wishing I could follow the four of them into the shack in Hogsmeade and sit by Remus as he endured his burden. But when I ran the idea past Lily, she once again had to stop herself from slapping me.
"You're crazy," she said, rolling her eyes.
"Love makes you do crazy things," I retorted airily.
Her eyes widened as she looked back up at me. "You really love him, don't you?" she asked, seeing the look in my eyes. "You really care for him."
"I do," I replied honestly, unable to control my silly grin. "I really, really do, Lily. And I don't know how to tell him."
She sighed and leaned back in her seat, abandoning the book on her lap. "James told me when we were sitting by the Christmas tree downstairs, late Christmas Eve. Sirius had gone up to bed already and James' parents were in bed long before midnight. He looked deep into my eyes and held my hands and said, 'There's something I've wanted to tell you for so long now. Lily Evans, I love you and one day I want to marry you.'" She closed her eyes as if to replay the scene in her mind. "It was so romantic," she concluded.
"I want that," I said dreamily. "But I don't want to be the one to tell him first."
Lily looked at me seriously. "You might have to be," she warned. "Remus is the quiet type of guy, always been the shy one. If you don't tell him first, the words might never get said." She went back to reading her book, but I reflected on her advice wisely. If I wanted something to be said, I would have to start it myself. After all, if James hadn't told Lily he loved her first, then they might very well have still been sitting in silence.
Despairingly yours,
Abby
January 20
Remus came back a few days ago. He still looks exhausted and worn and I wish I could do something that would help him out a little bit. He's still as sweet as ever, though, and he wants to make plans for another date real soon. "I know there are no more trips to Hogsmeade just yet," he said, "but I was thinking a nice walk outside. When the snow stops blowing, that is."
The wind has been howling all day and for a while it looked as though the snow would never let up. But it's started to dissipate from the air now, leaving a nice blanket covered ground for us to romp on. Yes indeed, James and Sirius are at it again, only this time they're in serious trouble. They got a little careless yesterday and managed to hit Professor Grundy with a flurry of snowballs. Needless to say, they're both in detention for the next month or so, although I think Dumbledore snickered when he heard the story.
I've started my Transfiguration lessons with Remus again and he's incredibly impressed with my 'outstanding talents'. "You've really come a long way," he informed me with that oh-so-wonderful smile that always makes me go weak at the knees. "You'll do fine on your exam."
"Transfiguration, yes," I agreed, marking off a phantom checklist in the air. "Potions is becoming a hassle, though, and I'm afraid I'm going to fail that."
Remus chuckled to himself. "Can't help you there," he said. "I'm in the same boat."
"That's okay," I said, grinning back at him. "We'll fail together."
"I'll never understand how you two got into NEWT Potions after all," Sirius said, joining us at the library table. "No offense, but if I was dying and one of you two offered me a life-saving potion, I would gladly be knocking on death's door."
"Thanks," I said, shoving his shoulder so that he slid sideways off the table.
"At least that death would be voluntary," he added, grinning stupidly.
As much as I hate to admit this, I feel that Lily's temper with Sirius is slowly eroding, leaving her hatred for him pretty obvious. She can't take his jokes as well as the rest of us. James claims it's because she takes everything to heart, but I'm convinced she's just being uptight and I told her so two nights ago.
"I'm not uptight," she argued. "I'm just...particular about my friends."
"No you're not," I argued back, grinning at her. "You're my friend, right? Besides," I added when she failed to smile, "Sirius is James' best friend. You're going to have to get used to him eventually."
"No," she replied stoutly, but I could see the wheels in her brilliant brain working out a way that Sirius and James could stay friends without Lily wanting to murder Sirius every other hour. Although I can't say I can blame her entirely. Sirius is a great guy; he just doesn't know when to stop pushing the line. It can be somewhat irritating after a while.
Dumbledore made another announcement today that Voldemort has gained more followers. He's asking all teachers to join him in the fight—the proverbial "battle against good and evil" and James is right up there, planning on fighting beside Dumbledore.
"They don't come any greater than him!" he said, watching Dumbledore leave the Head Table after his announcement. "And I want to be right there beside him throughout the entire fight."
Remus cleared his throat. "I seem to remember last week when Sirius joked that he saw Voldemort coming across the lake," he teased. "It looked as though you were hiding behind Peter, James."
James' face went red with fury. "I was not," he argued. "I thought I had lost my glasses is all."
Sirius grinned. "Flobberworm," he shot and James gave Sirius an unkind gesture with both of his hands for which Lily reprimanded him sharply. I'm only admitting to myself that this whole Voldemort thing is beginning to scare me more than I originally let on. I hate thinking that he's trying to rid the wizarding world of all people from Muggle parentage; that means Lily and I fear that she's at risk. The rest of us all have magical parentage and Voldemort is said to have been trying to recruit vampires, werewolves and other 'dark' creatures.
"I'll bet my entire life savings that Snape would gladly jump to Voldemort's defense," Sirius sneered at the Slytherin table where Severus Snape sat, watching Dumbledore with a mixed expression on his slimy face. "He's always been one dark dude."
James snorted. "Dude?"
Sirius shrugged. "I heard Daisy Dandelion saying it," he replied, his face going red. We had all heard the story of Miss Dandelion by then and no one bothered teasing Sirius about it. I guess we all agreed with him; Snape was the least likely trusted student in the school at that time and I figured any day after graduation, he would be rooting for Voldemort.
Graduation is a whole other world. It's only five months away, which may seem like a lot but when you start adding all the things we still have to learn in classes, as well as prep for exams and NEWTs as well as prepare for the outside world, it tends to make your head spin. Or at least it does mine, unless that's just the smile Remus is giving me again. That tends to make me dizzy, too.
January 29
Oh wow, what a night. Remus and I were able to put our fears about Voldemort aside for one evening and enjoyed a perfectly romantic stroll outside. The moon was peeking through the clouds above us (obviously not full), casting a gentle shadow on everything around us. The snow beneath us also helped illuminate the night as we sat on a dry bench by the castle and talked while the stars danced above our heads.
"I'm really enjoying my time with you," Remus said, cupping my face in his hands. "You are one of the greatest girls I've ever known."
"One of the greatest girls?" I teased, pretending to turn away. He brought my face back to him and kissed my lips gently.
"Okay, the greatest," he corrected with a smile. Then he sighed and looked up at the sky. "Just imagine," he said slowly, "a whole other world out there, things beyond even our wildest imaginations. Amazing, isn't it?"
I looked up at the sky as well, expecting only to see stars. Instead, I did see the whole other world Remus was talking about. In our minds only, the stars turned into miniature people, twirling one another around the velvety background, far into the night where no one could bother them or touch them. They were their own world and that's what possessed me to do what I felt.
"Remus," I said, drawing his attention back to me. "About our relationship..."
"Ah, yes," he interrupted, avoiding looking at me. "The infamous talk. I must admit, I was dreading when this chat came to pass. I've been enjoying our time together so much that I don't want to see it end."
"But..."
"No, Abby, that's alright." He moved to stand up and walk away from me. "I understand completely. You need your space. I'm crowding you in. The fact that I run around as a werewolf once a month frightens and repulses you. Well, forgive me, but thank you for such a wonderful experience."
I jumped up and grabbed his hand, spinning him around to face me. I kissed his mouth hungrily, as though I would never taste him again. The world around me spun as I thought to myself, "This is the way it should be. This is the way it always should have been. This is the way I am complete." When we broke apart, it took me a minute to collect my thoughts. "I love you," I managed to say without halting. "I think I always have loved you. You and I are so right together and I never want to lose what we have."
He embraced me tightly. "I love you too," he replied softly. We stood like that for a long time and I listened to his heart beat. Now, as I sit in my bed, unable to rid the chill from my bones, my heart radiates happiness and joy. Excitement flows through my veins and pumps into my most vital organ. I feel as though the happiness will never cease from my mind, but I am tired. I'm going to sleep now, to dream about my perfect little world in which I feel whole.