It Could Be Worse (4th Season)
Episode 3: Searching for Your Eyes
By Sulia Serafine
[A Protector of the Small fanfic set in an alternate universe; all credit goes to Tamora Pierce. I'm broke, so you can't sue me. Any other copyrighted things that don't belong to me in here in fact belong to other very businesslike people. Could you believe that? I guess that's why I'm broke.
E-mail me at silverwlngaol.com okay? And you know the drill: titles or subjects of emails are fanfiction.net, s.serafine, or icbw.
Rating of this episode: PG-13 for bad moods and bad jokes…
Author's note: Saying goodbye is tough. Not just for me and fan fiction, but for Keladry and Joren, too…
They were watching a movie. Keladry couldn't really remember the title. The plot had been so boring thus far that she did not care to pay much attention to the screen. The action movie which they had first intended to see had been sold out. It had been in theatres for a week and she had hoped that the crowd would thin out. As it was, neither she nor he had any alternate plans for what they now called "date night" or a Friday without DJPF duty. And so, they settled for a new romantic comedy that seemed to be getting rave reviews from women's magazines.
Keladry realized now that she might become sentimental and sappy from time to time, but that her movie tastes from then until eternity would remain that of a man's: action, adventure, and every now and then, a cheap suspense thriller.
She glanced to her side. Ulliver was far from entranced with the movie. His eyes were shut and the arm resting over her shoulders was limp. The darkness of the movie theatre made it difficult to see his face, but she knew he was sound asleep.
He appeared peaceful at least. It seemed to her that he had no cares in the world. What did he have to worry about? Nothing. Not like her. Keladry sighed. It was hard to tell him things sometimes. She knew that everyone had their grievances. It would be arrogant of her to assume Ulliver wouldn't understand. She wasn't ready to talk to anyone about all those things, though. And he never asked.
Maybe he was afraid to ask.
We've come a long way in such a short time, Keladry thought. Her relationship with Ulliver was better than she had hoped it would be. Perhaps it was a sign that everything would turn out alright this time around. They made each other happy. They drove each other's loneliness away.
Keladry laid her head down on his shoulder. Her left arm was pinned between their two bodies, so she reached out with her right and clutched the edge of his jacket in her fist. There was a subconscious feeling of dread in the back of her mind that told her that if she did not hold on, he would disappear just like the others. It was a silly thought for so serious a person.
In his oblivion, Ulliver shifted toward her. Keladry breathed in sharply. As he moved to nuzzle her neck, he moved off his seat instead. Her hand shot out to grab a fistful of his shirt so as to pull him to her and keep him up. His sudden weight, however, caught her unprepared. With an undignified yelp, they fell to the floor, falling out of sight between the rows of seats.
Ulliver groaned. He pushed himself up on his elbows, opened his eyes, and looked at her quizzically. Keladry blushed.
"Ulliver, your hand."
"Oh! Sheez, I'm sorry-- hey, how did we get here?"
They sat up. One girl in the row before them watched them with a badly suppressed smile. Kelady glared at her. Glancing down at herself, she found that there were sticky traces of food on her shirt from the theatre floor.
"Yuck. I'm all sticky," she muttered.
The girl burst out laughing.
Before Keladry could snap at her and ask what was so funny, a blinding light caused her to turn her head away. An usher standing in the aisle was shining a flashlight at them. He motioned for them to get on their feet and follow him out.
A few minutes later, the two DJPF officers left the theatre, cheeks pink with mortification.
"I can't believe they kicked us out for indecent behavior. All I did was fall asleep!" Ulliver huffed. He shoved his hands in his jacket pockets and muttered a small curse.
Keladry wisely chose to remain silent. Ulliver rolled his eyes and took her hand in his, squeezing it gently. He smiled encouragingly.
"Let's say we get ourselves some coffee. There's open mic poetry at Empire Expresso." He chuckled. "We can pretend to be deep thinkers and snap our fingers at someone else's lyrical epiphanies."
She elbowed him, pretending to be offended. "Those people take their poems seriously. You sound like it's a joke."
"But it is a joke," he replied, to his credit sounding to be anything but facetious. He even managed a straight face when he bumped his shoulder against hers and said, "Just like I think you're a joke."
"What!" Keladry gasped, grinning at the same time. There was that horrible sarcasm of his again. She punched him hard in the shoulder and slipped her hand from his grasp.
Ulliver stepped back, wincing. He rubbed his shoulder and bit his lip. He laughed. "Oh, you're going to get it now." He put one foot forward and bent his knees as if to take a runner's mark. "You better get ready. Three… two…"
She began backing away from him. Her heart skipped a beat. He wouldn't dare.
"One!"
"Ulliver!" she cried, turning to run. "You're not funny!"
She could hear his laughter behind her. "Oh, come on! You can run faster than that!"
They ran down the sidewalk, grinning and laughing. Their yellow and orange glow of the neon signs bathed them in its golden light, causing them to appear like two comets spiraling out of control. Keladry could barely breathe, she was laughing too hard. No wonder they had gotten ejected from the theatre! They were being indecent, romping around like two teenagers!
Two arms closed in a gentle vise around her middle, pinning her arms to her sides.
"Got you!" Ulliver exclaimed. His warm breath tickled her ear.
"Only because I let you," she taunted, turning her head slightly to face him.
A rush of adrenalin she thought she only felt during fights was going through her body now. She felt like she was on fire. She could have run a few more blocks at the rate she was going. This incredible energy! It made her heart beat so hard and so fast. Needless to say, it was exhilarating.
When had she had this much fun with anyone? Day in and day out, there had always been work, heated arguments, passionate but cruel teasing… Here she felt like a kid again. She felt like a giddy high school student flirting with her boyfriend.
Boyfriend. That was the word.
Keladry started to calm down. She disengaged Ulliver's arms from around hers and took deep breaths to slow the fierce beating of her heart. Ulliver began to do the same, though the grin was still plastered on his face.
"Want me to give you a head start this time?" he offered.
She shook her head. There was a bus stop a few feet away from them with a green bench. She walked over and sat down. She placed a hand over her chest, feeling the strong pulse from her heart start to wane. She lowered her hand again and let out a low whistle.
He plopped down beside her, crossing one ankle over another and leaning back. His face expressed concern. "Too fast?"
"No, no. You're fine," she assured. "I just… it's nothing."
It was obvious that nothing was actually something. Times before, he had let the issue slide. He had given her the space she needed. The topic would change and they would be happy again before they even knew what had disrupted their harmony in the first place. But for some mysterious reason, the disruption lasted longer than the others.
He made no move to touch her. Keladry had noted in times before that he was fond of touching her, even in small passing moments. A teasing tickle on her ribs, lacing their fingers together, even provoking her into slugging him in the arm as she did. He wasn't like Joren. He didn't set a desert between them until he deemed it was the right moment to crush together like a typhoon wave. There was always constant contact.
She studied him now. His gaze was focused on the passing traffic, almost as if he was afraid to look at her. Keladry felt a pang of guilt go through her. He had done nothing to deserve someone like her. She was damaged. She hadn't been that way a few months ago, but now she realized that Joren's damage had become her own.
Scars fade. It just takes time. Exhaling deeply, Keladry leaned forward and kissed Ulliver on his temple. She felt him tense up beside her. She usually never initiated anything. He was often forward enough for the both of them. Her sudden boldness was a surprise to him. Keladry couldn't tell if he was pleased or confused.
"Are you okay?" he asked, still holding himself away from her body.
She nodded. Keladry reached for his hand and squeezed it. "Let's get out of here." As an afterthought, she gave him a sly look and stood up. "I have a craving for pancakes."
"Oh no… I've done it," Ulliver theatrically whispered. "I've finally gotten Little Miss Tough Stuff Keladry Mindelan to walk on the wild side."
She snorted. "They're just pancakes."
He let her pull him up to stand beside her. He wiggled his eyebrows at her suggestively. "Oh, are they? You know, in some remote region on the other side of the world, I believe that pancakes is codeword for--"
She elbowed him hard in the ribs, just like he had expected her to.
Neal nearly choked on his breakfast. He was sitting at his desk, eating a donut, when Keladry walked in. He stared at her unabashedly, until she finally got fed up with the scrutiny and stood still in front of him. She placed her fists on her hips and locked eyes with him.
"Just what is so important that you have to gape at me like I've grown another head?" she demanded.
He hesitantly stood up and approached her. His lips were twitching. Neal was holding back a torrent of laughter that would probably earn him much resentment. He pressed the back of his hand against his mouth and grinned.
"Neal!"
He reached out and played with her collar, flipping it up so that it reached her chin. "You, uh, might want to keep that up."
She stared at him, deadpan.
"Why don't you and I have lunch together, Kel? We could talk about things… people… SWAT people…" he offered, a mischievous glint in his eye. It was true. He did want to talk to her. He'd been so busy with paperwork on his new desk job that he hadn't seen her for little more than a few minutes that whole week. And despite the invisible chasm between them, he was determined to bridge the gap and be her best friend again.
Keladry blushed crimson. She muttered a 'thanks' and also that she would see him at lunch. The last he saw of her, she was rounding the corner to the ladies restroom.
His attention was drawn away from the sight when he felt someone tapping his shoulder. He turned to greet the newcomer. The Bazhir mechanic was standing beside Neal's desk, a pensive look on his face. Neal frowned.
"Hey, Qasim. Is there something I can do for you?"
"Yeah, actually, I need to ask you a question…"
Keladry waved to Wolset as she headed toward Neal's cubicle. After an hour of security detail at the Council building, her new partner had finally broken down and asked her about the interesting coloring on her neck. Keladry had been thoroughly embarrassed in the restroom when she had spied the marking in her mirror. Now she was thoroughly mortified to see her partner's fascinated reaction to it.
There was no getting around the fact that she had a hickey.
At least Wolset had been kind about it. But in a momentary verbal stumble, he had confessed that he had noticed once when she'd received the same 'gift' from Joren after the winter holiday. Keladry was slightly annoyed to discover that everyone had seen it and no one had told her. Since when was her love life a public amusement?
Here you are, always priding yourself in being a responsible, prudish young woman with ideals and integrity, and… and… argh! Keladry blushed yet again at the thought.
Her hair was released from its usual clip and falling around her face and down to her shoulders. Coupled with her flipped up collar, no one would know. Not that it mattered. The one person she would have kept it from had been the first to point it out to her.
"Neal," she called out as she came closer.
The familiar head of wavy brown hair popped up from over the edge of the cubicle. He grinned when he saw her.
"Hey! Come on over. I was about to go looking for you. How was security detail?"
"Boring," she answered. She walked up to his desk and leaned against it. "Let's get out of here. I need some fresh air."
"Cool. I think I heard my dad saying once that fresh air was good for bruises-- oops. No, maybe that was for cuts," he said, his voice sounding somewhat smug. Keladry glared at him. "Okay, okay. I'll lay off. Promise."
They went to a small shop down the street that sold turkey sandwiches. There were small tables with large sun umbrellas positioned over them, so they ate outside. Keladry winced when she heard the scraping sound her metal chair made against the concrete when she moved it. She cleared her throat and glanced down at Neal's left arm.
He had stopped wearing the sling a couple days ago. When she asked him about it, Neal replied that he could have taken his arm out of the sling weeks before, but the doctor was reluctant to do so. His past record for injuries made the hospital staff wary of his 'ongoing condition.'
"How does it feel?" she asked, leaning her chin on her palm.
Neal stretched the arm, rotated his wrist, and flexed his fingers. He shrugged. "It feels kind of tingly. Like I lean on it too much and there's a ghost of that pins-and-needles feeling. But I think I'm fine." He groaned. "I can't wait to get out of the office. I'm so bored! I've been reduced to playing online Scrabble in my spare time!"
She nodded. She probably would have been driven crazy from inactivity as well.
Her former partner rested his straw against his lips in contemplation. He cocked his head to the side and narrowed his eyes in concentration. "Hey."
"Yeah?"
"How's Wolset? As a partner?"
Keladry didn't show any physical reaction to his question, but she mentally perked up. "Why? Are you jealous, Neal?"
He averted his gaze and shrugged. "No… Okay, yeah. Maybe." He glanced at her mistrustfully. "Is he better than me?"
"He's not lazy like you, if that clears anything up." She leaned back in her chair. "Weren't you and Owen always complaining that if it hadn't been for me, both of you would have lousy Third Class jobs? Wolset is like me. He worked his way up."
"Yeah, well, good for him. And good for you, too," Neal snapped.
Keladry stepped on his foot under the table, eliciting an outraged yelp from the man sitting across from her. She rolled her eyes and took a bite of her sandwich. "Don't be a drama queen, Neal. It isn't like you."
"Sorry," he mumbled. "I just-- I miss hanging out, I guess. You work with Wolset and you spend your spare time with Ulliver."
"You never complained when I ignored you and spent time with Joren," she replied evenly.
He scratched the back of his neck. "Well, yeah. I think that we all kinda knew," he paused, trying to find the right words, "we knew in the back of our minds that he needed you. It wasn't that hard to see. And I hated the guy, but I didn't hate him so much that I didn't want him to find help. And he did find help. He found you."
Keladry bit the inside of her cheek. "Neal?"
"Yeah?"
"Did he… did he say anything about me when he left? Besides the bit about trying to get me to move on without him?"
Neal frowned deeply. He took another bite of his sandwich, chewed, and swallowed. He took his time eating while he mulled over the question. Keladry became impatiently and stepped on his foot again. His eyes darted back up to hers and he sighed. He reluctantly put his food down and nodded.
"Yeah, we talked a little on the drive up. He didn't say much. You know how he is."
"And?"
"He loved you, Kel," he blurted out. "What else do you want me to say? What do you want to hear? He didn't even have to say anything. It was clear. It's… your kind nature, your faith in mankind, your indomitable will." He shook his head. "He loved you and you loved him. Just leave it like that."
"How can I leave it? I feel like he's still around haunting my every move!" Keladry shot back.
"And what if he had stayed? What would the two of you done? Keep working missions for Flyndon? Someday marry, buy a house, and have kids? Have neighborhood barbecues? You know him, Kel. He wouldn't have put up with the normalcy even if his life depended on it."
The female officer closed her eyes. "I don't get you, Neal. One moment, you're his advocate. The next, you're his judge, jury, and executioner."
"He's a complicated guy," he admitted. "And my thoughts of him are just as complicated. Kel, let's make this the last thing we say about him. We'll go back to being best friends. I won't get jealous of Wolset. I'll be back in the field soon. You'll continue to see Ulliver because," his eyes strayed to her neck, "it's obvious he does succeed in making you happy. And we'll leave it-- all of it-- behind."
"Okay," Keladry said hesitantly.
"Okay, then. You loved each other. He left because he had to. You move on because you have to. You've done nothing wrong and neither has he. And that's it. Case closed."
"…Okay."
"Okay?"
"Yes, okay."
"Are you sure?"
"I said yes!"
Neal paused. "Okay. Oh, but before I forget. There is one more thing of closure we need to discuss."
Keladry lifted one eyebrow suspiciously. "And what is that?"
"Qasim asked me if it was alright for him to put the Black Knight Custom in storage. It's still been in the garage all this time."
She paused, then nodded.
He had been going over some files from new members of his squad when his doorbell rang. Ulliver put down the folder on his coffee table and went to the door. He pressed the button to open the door without much of an idea as to who would be visiting him after dinner.
"Kel, what are you doing here?"
She looked past him. "Is it okay for me to come in?"
"Of course! I can't believe you actually asked that. Come on in," he drew her inside and slid the door shut. Keladry wandered toward the couch, but she didn't sit. She waited for him to come closer before she spoke again.
"Why do you like me?"
The question caught him off guard. Ulliver ran his hand through his short cropped hair and shrugged. "Why not? You're smart and kind. You're fun to be with when you let your barriers down. I just like you."
She seemed to be considering something. "And what else do you think? How do you look at my… past experiences?"
"You mean, Stone?" he asked bluntly.
Keladry didn't have to hide her embarrassment. She blushed slightly. "Well, yeah."
He exhaled deeply and beckoned her to sit with him. She reluctantly sat and folded her hands in her lap. Ulliver pried her hands apart and enclosed one between his. She stared down at his hands while he spoke.
"It's fine with me. I know how you still feel. If he were to show up on your doorstep tomorrow, I'd be history. I know that," he told her gently. His calm voice betrayed no trace of hurt, but a flood of resignation. "That's okay with me. I won't begrudge you your past loves if you don't begrudge me mine. And I'll enjoy whatever time I have with you, even if I know it won't last."
"How can you look at me and not be offended by the chance that I might be thinking about him?"
Ulliver chuckled. "You know that part in My Best Friend's Wedding where Cameron Diaz tells Julia Roberts that the man of their dreams has Julia on a pedestal and Cameron in his arms?"
Keladry looked up and narrowed her eyes at him. "Please tell me you did not just compare the three of us to that. And while we're at it, what were you doing watching a chick flick?"
He shifted around slightly. "I never said I saw it. Someone, uh, just told me about it."
"Uh-huh. Right. You saw the movie. Admit it."
"I didn't! What would I be doing watching that? Trying to make myself hurl?"
"It's okay. Really. Want me to pick up a copy of the Modern Bride magazine for you on my way out?"
He glared at her.
She smiled.
Keladry suddenly stood up. She took a deep breath and widened her smile, offering her hand to help him up. She squeezed his hand. There was no burden on her shoulders anymore. No, that was a lie. There would always be some sort of weight there. But it felt more manageable now. Maybe it had been Neal. Maybe it had been Ulliver. Or maybe it was her.
"Let's make some pancakes. Chocolate chip pancakes," she told him.
"Pancakes? Um, are you sure you want to…"
She walked toward the kitchenette. "Not those pancakes. Real ones. I mean it. I feel like having chocolate chip pancakes."
He shrugged and followed her. "If you say so."
Neal sat on the curb outside the storage facility and popped the lid to his can. When Qasim sat down beside him, he handed him a can, still dripping with cold precipitation. The Rider popped the lid and took a long sip of the drink. The two men drank in silence.
The wind started to pick up. Neal brushed a few strands from his face. He glanced over his shoulders at the orange garage door that led to vehicle storage.
"It's such a shame. Something that beautiful shouldn't have been left behind," he said to his companion.
Qasim nodded. "But in the end it wasn't that important. All those years… he clung to it because he refused to summon up his memories of his father. And now it's all in the open."
The taller man frowned. "I didn't know you knew about that."
The Bazhir made a so-so motion with his hand. "We spent a lot of time in the garage with wrenches and oil stains. Guys talk."
"What do you think he's doing right now?"
"Who knows? Maybe he's just kicking back with a beer like we're doing right now. Thinking about really trivial things… Or maybe he's trying to find inner peace in a monastery."
They both exchanged blank glances.
"Nah," they said simultaneously.
Author's notes:
I've been overwhelmed with anti-Ulliver, pro-Joren mail. But just bear with me. Do you think after the teaser I dropped in the last chapter with Joren's scene that he was just going to remain 'vanished'? This episode was another introspective piece for Keladry's mental health, if anything. A girl like that with problems like hers needs to sit down and sort these things out.
Thanks for reading! See ya next time!
Sulia S.