Earning My Stars (Part Three)
By TheLostMaximoff
Disclaimer: Don't own these characters. This part is pretty short compared to the last one but it's a lull in the action so it seems suitable. R/R as always.
I'm so stupid sometimes. Ever since I was little I've had a temper and it always gets the best of me. When I discovered my powers, it was even worse because every time I would lose my temper I'd lose control and every time I'd lose control someone would inevitably get hurt.
I pound my fist lightly and futilely against the glass window in frustration. I stare into the medical room at Beast Boy lying still in a bed. Wiring protrudes from his body and seeing him like this, my fault or not, sickens me. Thank God his condition stabilized. I just wish he'd wake up.
The scene replays itself. Slade returned and I confronted him. Alone. He goaded me, picked at emotional scabs and scars until the wounds were ripped clean open. I got mad and then someone got hurt. Just like always. A chunk of rooftop fell and almost crushed Beast Boy. He wasn't hurt fatally but it was enough to scare the hell out of us and warrant an emergency trip to the medical wing of the tower. I can remember cradling his head in my hands and sobbing, pleading for him to please wake up. He was as limp and lifeless as a rag doll. God, please let him be okay.
"Terra," says Robin sternly as he suddenly enters the room, "We need to talk." I act like he's not there, like he doesn't exist. I keep my forehead pressed to the glass and stare so hard my eyes throb in pain. He doesn't have to tell me I screwed up. I'm staring at the proof.
"Terra!" Robin snaps at me, "This isn't the place for what I need to say." I nod and tear my eyes away from Beast Boy. Court's in session. I can't be late for my condemnation. I follow Robin out into the hallway with my head down like a whipped puppy. He closes the door to muffle the chewing out I know he's going to deliver.
"This can't keep happening, Terra," he tells me, "I won't allow it. You have to control yourself or you're off the team for good this time." I nod and feel my eyes begin to water. I failed everyone again.
"Look at me," orders Robin, "and stop crying because it won't get you any sympathy from me." I sniff back the tears and stare at him face-to-face.
"This team is my family," he tells me, "and God help you if you try to hurt any of them because then you'll have to deal with me. You wanna be a part of my family, then act like it and learn to control yourself. If you can't get that through your thick skull then leave now."
"I got it," I reply quietly, "Robin, someone else was on that rooftop. I don't know how but Slade's back."
"Terra," he says in a frustrated tone, "Slade is dead. No one else saw anybody on that rooftop besides you. You have your own demons to fight and ghosts to deal with but I won't have it cause someone on the team to get hurt."
"Robin," I try to explain, "I swear to God I'm not making it up. He was there and he talked to me."
"You were hallucinating, Terra," Robin states. God, why can't he understand? I want him to believe me, for all of them to understand that I didn't mean for this to happen. I'm not going crazy.
"He was there," I tell Robin, "and if you don't believe me then I'll find proof."
"If you find proof, actual proof, then I'll believe you," Robin tells me, "but until this situation settles down you're suspended from active duty." A retort forms in my throat but I choke it back. If I were the old Terra I would've fought his decision tooth and nail but I've learned to accept the consequences of my actions.
"Understood?" he asks.
"Got it, boss," I reply as I move back to Beast Boy's room.
I don't know how long I stand there and stare. I could be minutes, hours, days, or even an entire lifetime. The world outside this room has ceased to exist. He's my world, always has been. I've left him before but this time I can't afford to leave him. My legs are tired from standing but they don't matter. My eyes are tired but I have long moved past the point of caring. If I just stare hard enough maybe he'll wake up and be okay. If I just try hard enough maybe he'll love me again.
I mentally replay the fight again. He was there; I know it. I stared right into those eyeholes on his mask. It had to have been him; it couldn't be anyone else. At the very least, there was someone up there. I'm not crazy.
"You keep this up and you'll earn a spot in there with him," says Cyborg as he puts a hand on my shoulder, "C'mon, Terra."
"Can't," I reply simply. I'm too weary to say anything else.
"BB'll be okay," assures Cyborg as he gently tugs at my shoulder, "He'll be up before you know it."
"Not soon enough," I tell him. I know he's trying but some things won't go away if you just think happy thoughts and stay positive.
"Hey, I got that stuff you wanted," he tells me in an effort to change the subject. This diverts my attention. I had asked him to get me some news reports on our fight with the H.I.V.E. Maybe someone's camera caught a glimpse of Slade.
"Thanks," I tell him and manage a miniscule smile, "Cy, do you think I'm crazy?"
"Don't know," replies Cyborg honestly, "There were only three other heat signatures on my scanners besides us, Terra. Gizmo. Jinx. Mammoth." He counts them on his fingers for added emphasis.
"I know he was there," I tell him.
"Do what you have to," he tells me, "but we already have a resident brooding, reclusive detective. That's more than we need without you bein' one too, okay?"
"Okay," I nod, "Thanks again for the stuff." I take the videotapes and a envelope full of newspaper clippings from him. It's going to be a long night but I'm not going to rest until I find him.
"I'll keep watch," assures Cyborg as my eyes linger on Beast Boy. I nod and move automatically to the elevator. I stare at the folder and the tapes. There has to be something here. Something's going on here and I'm going to find out what it is.
The black and gray grain of the newspaper photo stares back at me. I squint at the picture so hard my eyes scream in pain. Nothing. There is nothing. No sign, no trace, nothing. It's like he never existed that day. Maybe he didn't. Maybe all this really is in my head. That opens up another can of worms I don't want to think about. Questioning your own sanity is the worst form of self-doubt because it involves questioning who exactly you are, your very identity.
I sigh in frustration and flop back on the couch. My glazed eyes stare listlessly at the blank TV and the stack of videotapes next to the VCR. Nothing there either. No footage of Slade, just like the pictures. I am drained. All the stress of Beast Boy and Slade and everything has completely and totally emptied my tank. I can't ignore the facts. What I saw was a ghost or a hallucination or something. Slade is dead and no one is to blame for my current mistake but me. There was never anyone responsible for my mistakes but me. My head lolls backwards and I stare at the ceiling. I admit defeat. Whatever malicious force that's caused this has won. I tried and tried and tried but I can't try anymore.
"Tara?" My eyes shift towards the sound of the voice.
"Star?" I ask. I can't speak the full name. It's all I can do to keep myself functioning.
"Tara, you must rest," she tells me earnestly as she sits down next to me on the couch, "You are no good to anyone in your current state." This almost makes me laugh out loud and I would if I had the energy.
"I'm no good to anyone period, Star," I tell her, "and as for my 'current state', I'm losing my mind."
"No, not true," states Starfire, "You and I must have the heart-to-heart." I sigh. What else have I got to lose? My sanity's already going anyways.
"I will make tea," declares Starfire. She gets up and moves to the kitchen. I idly stare at the clock on the VCR. Midnight. My mind wanders aimlessly while I stare vacantly at the glowing digits. They're mocking me, laughing at me. Time's running out on me. The others can only forgive me so many times. Sooner of later I'll be alone again. I should check on Beast Boy. I want to but my body refuses to move.
"Drink," demands Starfire as she hands me a mug. The hot liquid runs down my throat and fills me with its warmth. I let out a small, relaxed sigh. It's good to feel it run through me. My whole body was atrophying and dying without some kind of movement.
"Raven taught me how to make it," explains Starfire, "Now, talk to me about what has happened."
"I'm crazy, Star," I tell her bluntly, "I'm seeing things that aren't there. Ghosts, hallucinations, I don't know what. I saw Slade on that rooftop. He talked to me, manipulated me into getting angry. Then I . . .I . . .." I gulp down more tea to try and dissolve the lump that's starting to form in my throat.
"It is not your fault," she assures me, "Slade is to blame."
"Star, he wasn't really there," I try to explain to her, "I thought he was but it's all in my head. It has to be because nothing else says it's real."
"Do you believe Slade was there, really there?" asks Starfire.
"Yes," I reply, "but . . .." She presses a finger to my lips to silence me.
"If you truly believe he was there and not in your head then I believe you," Starfire states as she looks into my eyes, "because you are my friend, no matter what has happened or will happen." I don't know what to say. I've never had a friend like that in my life. Everyone would've given up on me by now. By now I would've given up on myself.
"Thank you," I reply even though it's nowhere near what I want to say to express the depth of my gratitude, "I just wish I could convince Robin that I'm not loony and that this needs to be checked out."
"Robin has . . .." begins Starfire. She pauses a moment to think of the right phrasing.
"Yeah," I prompt her.
"Robin has 'issues' with Slade," she tells me, "There was once a time when he was doing just as you are now with the newspapers, looking desperately for some sign or clue that would lead to Slade."
"What happened?" I ask her. I knew Slade had some unnatural fixation on Robin but I was too afraid of him to say anything about it.
"Before you," explains Starfire, "Robin was the apprentice. It was not by his choice and he won't discuss it but it happened." I let this information sink into my muddled mind. Robin, Slade's apprentice? Me, his replacement? Slade never mentioned it at all.
"Slade never said anything about it," I explain.
"I do not know much of Slade and I do not want to," replies Starfire, "but he does not seem like one who discusses his failures."
"No," I reply with a cloudy expression. I see now why Robin refuses to believe that Slade could still be alive. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes I wouldn't want to believe it either. I'm still not sure if I believe it.
"Tara?" asks Starfire quietly, "Why did you betray us?" It's a question I ask myself on lonely, sleepless nights while lying in my bed and staring at the ceiling. Why? Why this, why that? Why? At the time I had a ton of things I thought were reasons. I congealed them all into a big pill of bullshit, swallowed said pill with a huge glass of delusion, and never looked back. That was then and this is now. My reasons weren't reasons at all. They were excuses and I'm done with excuses.
"I had a lot of reasons, Star," I explain, "but all they really were in the end were just excuses. I just made a mistake, a big one yes, but a mistake all the same and I'm truly sorry for it."
"Everyone makes mistakes," Starfire tells me sympathetically, "but everyone also learns from them." I nod and finish my tea. My eyes grow heavier as the warm liquid relaxes me, comforts me with its soothing embrace. I need sleep. There is a point at which a person's body simply shuts down and refuses to go on until it rests. Now is that time but I refuse to do so.
"I need to check on Beast Boy," I tell her with a huge yawn, "I need to make sure he's okay."
"Unacceptable," states Starfire, "You will do absolutely nothing until you have rested." She suddenly gets up and goes through the linen closet.
"Star, you don't have to," I tell her. She returns with a blanket and a pillow.
"Yes, I do," she insists. My body refuses to argue anymore. I give into my exhaustion and fall back as Starfire places the pillow under my head. It feels so soft and comfy. I feel like just sinking into it. Starfire pulls the blanket over me and I curl up under it.
"Thank you," I tell her, "for believing in me."
"You are most welcome," she replies with a smile, "Now may you have pleasant dreams and not be troubled." My eyes succumb to their heaviness. I blink once, then twice, and then my eyes finally close and I slip into sleep.
Starfire watched as Terra fell asleep. She still didn't know what to make of all this. She trusted Terra even after what had happened between her and the team. It took her a little while after Terra returned to the team but over the past month the girl had shown she earnestly wanted to redeem herself. It wasn't too long before Starfire had forgiven her.
"I must talk to Robin," she whispered to herself as she turned back towards her room, "He has to believe her."
(Author's Note): More to come! Will the Titans uncover the mystery of Slade's seeming return? Will Terra finally redeem herself and face her demons? Stay tuned, boys and girls.