Something That Will Never Happen, but Did Anyway

By Sad WTF

Chapter 4. Closest to A x I I'm Ever Going to Get

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Maxwell was starting to doze off in his seat when he jumped, remembering that he was alone. He dived for the phone, calling his office. After two rings, he heard his own voice on the other end.

"Hello?"

"It's me!" hissed Maxwell.

"You!" Integral hissed back. "What are you doing with a picture of me on your desk, you pervert?"

Maxwell fell silent for a moment. After collecting himself, he began to stammer. "I-It was either that or a picture of the ugly old neighbor next door. I just like pictures on my desk, no matter the subject matter!" he said, biting his lip.

He was met with silence at the other end, and was afraid Integral did not believe him. When she finally stirred, she merely sighed into the receiver.

"What do you want, Maxwell? It better be good," she asked, suddenly sounding tired.

"Oh, well," started Maxwell, "I forgot to mention that I don't smoke."

"Thank you for that wonderful piece of information that I didn't want to know," said Integral, sarcastically. "Is that all you called me for?"

"No," said Maxwell, with a sharpness in his voice. "I don't want you to go filling my lungs with that filthy cigar smoke that you breathe in day and night."

Integral removed the phone from her ear to make a horrible grimace at the receiver, wishing that she could kill Maxwell. She closed her eyes and put the phone back to her ear again.

"Just for that, I'm giving you lung cancer," she said in a low voice.

Maxwell sat up, horrified. "If you do that, I'm going to go eat at McDonald's every day – until you get a pickled liver! See if I care!" he shouted.

"Maxwell, don't be such an idiot. Stop gossiping and get to work instead."

She hung up before he could reply. Maxwell muttered to himself as he slammed down the receiver. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw Alucard leering at him from the corner.

"Having a bad day, master?" smirked Alucard. He could sense that Integral was different – she seemed particularly stressed this morning – perhaps even easier to taunt in the state she was in.

Maxwell shuddered at the vampire abomination, nearly making the Sign of the Cross. He abhorred the monster's presence, but he silently decided that if Integral could deal with her pet vampire, he could do it too – and even better.

"I thought I had sent you a message – one about you going away?" said Maxwell, composing himself.

Alucard shrugged and began to approach him slowly. "I like to hear you tell me yourself."

"Sod off," Maxwell said, smirking and emphasizing both words to show he meant business. He figured he could do anything, even banish this thing to Greece if he wanted. He sat back and put his feet up on the desk, feeling sure of himself.

Alucard stared, bewildered yet intrigued. Had his master actually started flirting with him? The way those words rolled off her tongue suggested something more to what she said. Baring his teeth he came even closer, making sure she felt his lingering presence.

Maxwell stared at Alucard, annoyed that he was still there. It was a moment before he realized what the vampire was doing when he felt cold hands groping at the side of his neck. Maxwell stood up before he fell out of his seat and yet out a yell.

"Keep your homosexual fantasies to your self, you plonker!" he shouted.

Alucard started, shocked. He stood staring wordlessly for a moment or two before leaving to go to his basement to shoot his head a couple of times to see if that would clear any memories of what just happened. No, it wasn't the fact that his master had just called him gay that disturbed him; it was just that she sounded so... Well, he didn't want to think about that.

Maxwell huffed in his seat. Suddenly, he had the gossip-filled urge to call Integral again and tell her what her vampire was up to. But then he decided against it for fear of her harming his body in revenge for even attempting to taunt her. He made a mental note to tell her once this problem solved itself and he was back to his normal self. Sighing, he began running his fingers down the desk, bored out of his mind.

How did Integral spend every day sitting in front of this thing, again? He could feel where the chair had sunk in to accommodate her buttocks, due to all the prolonged sitting she did. Standing up, he looked down at the hollow patterns on the chair to amuse himself for a moment before realizing that he was going to go out of his mind if he didn't do something soon.

"Time to explore," said Maxwell cheerfully to himself as he walked out of Integral's office. His steps were light already as he walked down the hallway, glad to leave the dismal place behind him. He stopped when he heard a girl's voice directed at him.

"Good evening, Sir Integral," said a blonde girl in a blue uniform, nodding and smiling. "You look very nice today."

"Uh, thank you," said Maxwell, feeling a little awkward. He didn't know what to say to her, until an idea struck him. "Say, is there a television around here?"

The girl blinked a few times, shrugging. "I'm not sure. I think the men might have one in their common room. I don't go down there much, though."

"Oh, well, want to go there now?" asked Maxwell, afraid he might not be able to find this common room on his own.

"Uh... sure," said the girl, tentatively. Maxwell started to smile, but decided it would be very unlike Integral and stopped himself. He ended up with a grimace instead, looking more like he had the stomach flu, which unnerved Seras.

They entered the common room and were met by wondering stares from several soldiers. One of them even called out, waving his hand and pointing at Maxwell. "Hey, who's that?"

Another soldier nudged the first and whispered in his ear. The soldiers nervously murmured amongst themselves before slowly departing, leaving the room empty for Maxwell and Seras.

"So, Seras," said Maxwell slowly, making a note to remember her name. "What's wrong with them?"

Seras paused, surprised Integral had called her by her first name. "I think they feel awkward having you in here. I find it rather odd my self, but not in a bad way of course," Seras added quickly.

Maxwell nodded, not really listening. He was too busy changing the channels. He finally settled on some queasy drama and started to watch, sitting down next to Seras on a sofa. It was hours later when Walter found them both glued to the television, watching EastEnders with equally glazed looks.

Walter paused, assessing the scene for a moment before he cleared his throat. "Miss Victoria, may I speak to you for a moment?"

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Well, sorry for not updating for so long (to those what, two people who read this. Hahahaha). I was seriously stuck on the last part because I couldn't figure out what to make Maxwell and Seras watch. WTF. But finally I decided to use TeaRoses' idea (Seras watches EastEnders in a short drabble that TeaRoses wrote) and make them watch EastEnders. Lord.