Title: Because He Promised
Author: Dendera
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Sadly, Escaflowne does not belong to me. After much therapy, I've come to accept this fact. However, my words do belong to me. So please ask permission before distributing this fic.
Summary: Set nine yearsafter the original series. A best friend's decisions are never easy, especially in Merle's case. A prequel to my fic, To Return.
When the sun has finally completed its weary retreat, causing a wave of inky blackness to spill across the heavens, I find I feel the most at home. Knowing that all of Fanelia is nestled under a blanket of gleaming starlight, its children being lulled to sleep by the fragrant night air. I'm not sure why, but there's such a simple comfort in the arrival of nightfall. I suppose it's mainly because, as a little girl, I was never afraid of the dark. The concept never occurred to me, not when my Van-sama was at my side. The fabled terrors with their ravaging beasts and dragons were of little concern, hardly a threat in comparison to the bold determination of my personal protector. Van's ever-faithful presence brought such joy to my days, and sweet serenity to each night. He promised to keep me safe and happy; he still does.
But the true reasoning behind my preference is what each starry evening had in store. You see, for as long as I can remember, it's always been like this. Van and I would sneak out of our rooms and huddle atop the palace roof together to watch the city through a sheen of pearly moonlight. He would always say it was interesting to view his world from a different perspective, to see things in another light. I, on the other hand, had just assumed that this was the best place for us to talk. By day there were responsibilities, so much for Van-sama to learn and train for. So many expectations to uphold, so many restrictions. But in the magic of our midnight solitude, it was as if we were the only two people on Gaea.
Time has flowed relentlessly since those innocent days of our youth, and still we keep meeting like this. Maintaining our secret rendezvous for the sake of tradition. I only hope that we have a million more nights like these ahead of us. Nine long years have passed since that day she turned our entire world upside down. And nine years he's thought of nothing but her. Even now as he sits beside me, one arm hooked casually around my shoulders, I can tell his mind is really somewhere else. Another galaxy away, to be exact.
He thinks he's so smart, so perfectly clever. Contracting his pain, pushing aside his anguish, denying his heart of what could quite possibly be the equivalent of oxygen to one's lungs. Instead, he conceals it all very well behind a mask of dutiful bravery and princely obligation. Of course, he wouldn't dare to admit it to me, for fear of losing face. Other things, maybe. Common, insignificant annoyances like the kind that happens every day. Oh sure, then he'll fuss and complain. Like when a handful of his stuffy advisors start some ridiculous argument over what he's wearing or when the royal accountants claim there isn't enough in the treasury to support Fanelia's hungry. He'll always come to me about things like that… but never the really important stuff. Never about the consuming loneliness that gnaws away at him or the pitiful longing written clearly in those brown eyes. In spite of the fact that I've known him almost his entire life, he thinks he can fool me. And I suppose that's really what hurts the most.
It doesn't really matter that he won't confide in me the cause of this new melancholy, because it took me about five seconds to figure out anyway. The townspeople say it's just that he's maturing into the great leader they've always hoped for, while his royal court assumes it's merely the pressures accompanying his crown that have lent such a soberness. Whatever. I think they're all morons—as blind and as feeble as old bats. It's all so obvious. My Van-sama's in love, so tragically lost in it all, that it pains me to have to watch him suffer. That silly girl and her dumpy mystic moon…I think she's won us all over. Even me.
The realization that I would rather have my Van blissfully happy with some other girl than sullen and depressed really says a lot about who I've become. Because, to tell you the truth, I was determined to hate and despise Hitomi from the very beginning. I mean, first of all she was this complete stranger who just barged into our lives, stirring up all kinds of weirdness in my best friend. And then, if the prospect of a goofy, elusive Van wasn't bad enough, she had to go and work a number on Allen too. Trust me, there's nothing more disgusting then a big, elaborate love triangle; and it doesn't get anymore complicated than when Allen and Van are both driven by overactive bursts of testosterone. But anyway, I'm getting way off track here.
Basically, I was content to believe that Hitomi was nothing more than some simpering twit with bad hair and equally hideous clothes. That was, until I started to notice the way Van would watch her. Like the very presence of his gaze was all it would take to keep her safe and sound. And at his side. Hitomi was just the same. She would get so concerned about him, as if she had forgotten for just a moment that there were other people on Gaea besides my Van-sama. I know it must have bugged Allen, because it sure bothered me! But, as I slowly learned, and even more reluctantly came to accept, her feelings for him were absolutely genuine. One of my more vivid memories of her, is the terrified expression she wore when we thought Escaflowne had drained away the last of Van's life force. I've never seen anyone grow so white, so deathly pale, and I thought for a moment that she might willingly succumb to it, just to follow him.
In other words, as annoying as she can be sometimes, Hitomi deserves more credit than I can grudgingly bestow. She returned my Lord to me again and again, and yet, at the same time, stole away a piece of him that I'll never be able to possess. Life's funny that way. Kind of a tradeoff, I suppose. But if I had to lose him to anyone, I'm glad it was to her. Unlike the husband-hunting princesses that come flitting in and out of our kingdom like pageant contestants on parade, I know Hitomi's affection for Van runs deep. From the very core of her existence. That's at least one thing we have in common.
So, to think that he might try to hide his grief from me is pretty ridiculous. I know him better than he knows himself, and reading him has never been a problem. The only obstacle here is getting him to accept the fact that something has to give. He needs to either face his loss or move on or find some way back to her. While petty side of me would rather he avoid the later and just concentrate on Fanelia, even I wouldn't be so selfish as to keep him miserable for the rest of his life. But Van-sama has never been good with decisions of the heart, much less actually discussing them. Guess it's up to me to do the talking.
Best to start off innocently and ease my way into the subject. "Van?" I call softly, lazily licking at my paw.
His dreamer's vigil will not be interrupted and his gaze remains fixed on Fanelia's skyline. "Hmm?" He responds belatedly, sounding very far off indeed.
Ah well, a one-syllable response is better than nothing. "How long have we been doing this?" I ponder aloud, knowing full well the absolute randomness of such an inquiry. "You know, meeting up here every night?"
Van tilts his head toward me, his rugged features settling in momentary confusion. "Since we were children," he answers at last, contemplating the depth of the question. "You were probably five…so I was seven at the time. Why do you ask?"
He's already proven my point, and doesn't even realize it. I eye him knowingly, lifting an inquisitive brow. "And how many times since then have you kept a secret from me?"
He's clearly baffled by my behavior, which only amuses me all the more. I love him dearly, but my Van-sama can be a little slow sometimes. "What secret?" He demands, his forehead crinkling again in bewilderment. "I haven't ever kept a secret from you, Merle…"
It's true, for the most part, and I do have to give him credit for that. "I know you haven't, Van-sama." I drape a hand over his, a maternal smile darting across my lips. "Not until now, at least."
Van's fathomless, black-brown eyes linger on me, as if to decipher the hidden meaning behind my insinuation. "I don't know what you mean." He states rather blandly, his handsome face strangely ghostlike in the dim light. "You're my best friend, why wouldn't I tell you something?"
"That's what I want to know." I put in, gently. The night air stirs lightly about us, rippling through my fur and tugging at his ebon mane. Weaving an arm through his, I huddle snuggly beside him, resting against his firm shoulder. "You've never kept something from me, so why start now?"
Van shakes his head impatiently, ready to retaliate. "But I'm not—"
I don't even allow him to finish his sentence. It would only put greater distance between us, further separating Van from the truth within himself. My eyelids flutter closed, a tormented sigh rising from my throat. "It isn't fitting that a king should lie."
It is noticeably more quiet now, so still that one could easily forget where they are. Van's muscles have gone rigid, his lean frame tenses against my own, and I know that my words have penetrated. It's clear that he isn't composed enough to address the statement, but I was prepared for such an outcome. If he isn't willing to speak up, then he's sure as heck going to listen.
"Did you think I wouldn't notice?" I have to be very careful when confronting him, especially with my tendency to go off on rambling tirades. "That I would just ignore it? You're hurting, Van. And when you hurt, I hurt." I can feel the sympathetic tears stinging at my eyes, but I fight them back. No point in getting all weepy yet.
"I can't stand to watch you suffer in silence," I explain earnestly, clinging tightly to him. "And when you won't even talk to me about it, that only makes it worse!"
Damn it, the tears seemed to have won, despite my best endeavors. I'm prone to any realm of intensified emotion when it comes to Van. Resisting the urge to turn to him for comforting, I merely sniffle and rub at my eyes. This should be about him, not me.
His strong hand finds me anyway, hooking around my shoulders to stroke my hair. "Don't cry, Merle," he consoles soothingly, his tone apologetic. "Please don't be upset. I'm fine, I promise."
I glance up at him, regarding him with pitifully wet eyes. "Are you really?" My whole stance, body language, and demeanor betray my skepticism. I know he's lying to me, for my sake, no doubt, and I want him to know that I'm not buying it.
He offers an unconvincing nod as reassurance. "Sure, there's nothing wrong."
I can't help but return the deception with a bitter smile. "I'm not one of your brainless advisers, Van-sama. I actually pay attention. You've been watching the skies every day for the last nine years, following the Mystic Moon. Like you're waiting for a pillar of light to appear at any moment." Turning away slightly, I allow my gaze to drift towards the horizon. "So don't tell me that you're fine."
From the corner of my eye, I see him hang his head in defeat. "I wish I was fine," he confesses dully. "I want so much to forget it all happened, but I can't. I honestly don't know which is worse; what it would have been like if Hitomi had never come into my life or the knowledge that even though she did, I'll probably never get to see her again." He brings his knees to his chest, head in his hands. "I don't know if I can keep going without her. Each day it just gets harder, like the ache only runs deeper-- and I'm afraid it won't ever go away."
He's not even looking at me anymore, which tells me that this is more serious than I thought. You see, Van's greatest skills and confidence stem directly from his fearless spirit, and for the longest time, I never imagined that he would be afraid of anything…until now. Our boy king has accomplished so much for his tender age; waged a great war and vanquished Gaea's most powerful enemy, rebuilt his beloved Fanelia, and all the while managing to tend to the every need of his people. So to see him like this, humbled with shame, really scares me.
"Her pendant has been glowing," Van interjects abruptly, indicating the delicate charm he has fastened about his neck. The fiery gem sparks to life between his fingertips, glinting brightly in the faint starlight. "Just these last few days. Like it's trying to tell me something. Like Hitomi's trying to tell me something."
"Maybe you should go to her," I suggest quietly, stunned at my own words. The thought of Van leaving me, if only for a few days, unsettles me. I know it's silly to get homesick for a person, but I do. Van is home to me.
Van returns his gaze to the heavens. "What if she doesn't want me?" He questions softly, his voice filled with such uncertainty that it makes my heart break. One thing I know about my Van-sama is that he's never been unsure of himself—unsure of his future or path, sure. But not of himself—not ever.
"Are we talking about the same girl, here?" I fire back, dubiously. "This is Hitomi, Van. I saw how she was around you. She felt just as strongly as you did. That's not something you forget."
He looks to me expectantly, eyes filled with childlike hope. "Do you really think so, Merle?"
Because I love him, I can let him go. I can trust that he'll come back to us.
"I know so, Van-sama."
He stands suddenly, as if ready to leave this very moment, but then falls back into nervous fidgeting. "It's been nine years Merle. I loved her then. I still do," he sighs, brokenly. "But what could we possibly have after all this time?"
"Destiny," I murmur softly, my voice thick with emotion. "Now go, Van-sama. She's calling you."
Van smiles tenderly at me, the kind of smile that nearly topples you with its brilliancy. That makes you feel so lucky because it was aimed at you. He cups my face in his hands, and I allow myself to lean into the embrace, a contented purr escaping my lips.
He kisses the top of my head, eyes bright with gratitude. "I love you, Merle," he whispers fiercely. "I'll be back soon. I'll bring her home, I promise."
"I know you will."
He releases me and backs away, his concentration resulting in the appearance of a set of beautiful, broad wings. A few mighty flaps and he's hovering above me, waving goodbye. I wave back, smiling through my tears as I watch his silhouette grow smaller, fading into the stars.
It's not goodbye, not really. I don't have to give him up, and I'm not losing him to anyone. I understand that now, and my heart is all the lighter for it. I know a side of Van that so many people don't, have a place in his heart no one else can, and that bond means we belong to each other. We don't have to worry about anyone or anything coming in between us. The memories, the love, and the trust all speak for themselves.
Somehow, I know that the next time I see him, Hitomi will be at his side. He'll be happy again, and so will I. Why? Because he promised, and Van, my best friend, always keeps his promises.
Fin
Have you read the sequel yet? See what happens next! Check out To Return, winner of the 2001 Aoi Hitomi Reader's Choice award for Romance!