Y'all can thank the rude guest for a third update this week! ;) Her bitchy words motivated me to update again hehehehe. Mwah!
In all seriousness, thanks to everyone who has stuck around. I know what E & B did is immoral and wrong, and they're messy and make mistakes, but *shrugs* a story about perfect people isn't interesting to me.
Love, love, love to Hadley and my prereaders for all their help and support.
43
- draw your swords -
Edward
Gianna and I have mediation on my birthday.
It's not how I'd prefer to spend the day, but separating our lives needs to happen, and supposedly, this was the only day that worked for her.
To be honest, I'm unsure she even remembers it's my birthday. When we were texting to narrow down a day, she gave no indication that this date meant anything other than it was the day she was free. But that's fine. I don't need or want her to remember. I just need this to be done once and for all.
She shows up to mediation half an hour late, but she doesn't apologize to me or the man we hired to keep this simple.
The sling she once had around her arm is gone, but she's still in a wheelchair her dad pushes into the room. He wheels her up to the table and offers me a brief glance. He doesn't look hurt or angry, just kind of resigned. Maybe even sad.
This isn't a sad thing, I want to tell him. Instead, I stay silent and offer a polite nod. Gianna thanks him, and he wordlessly leaves the room.
"Shall we begin?" Felix, the mediator, asks while opening his laptop.
Gianna and I merely nod, staying silent while he explains the process. He makes it sound fairly simple, telling us we're going to go through a list of items and assets until we both agree on who keeps what. After that's done, he'll write up a contract, present us with papers that we'll sign, and after ninety days, we'll be divorced.
"Let's start with the house," he prompts, eyes on his laptop screen.
"We're selling it," Gianna immediately says, clipped.
I shake my head. "I don't want to sell it," I counter. "I think it'll be good to keep some part of Seth's routine."
Gianna rolls her eyes. "Well, I'm not giving you the house."
"You wouldn't be giving it to him, but he'd be buying you out of your share," Felix tells her, typing on his computer without even looking.
"It's the principal of the matter. I don't want you to have it. And I sure as fuck am not going to live in the house you pushed us to buy, so you could pine away for that bitch all of these years," she snaps.
So this is how it's going to be.
"Don't talk about Bella like that," I say firmly. "Don't bring her into this situation at all."
"Why not?" Gianna challenges. "She's the reason we're here."
"No, she's fucking not. You admitted you didn't love me for years. We had problems before Bella ever came into the picture, and I refuse to let you blame her."
The mediator sits patiently, his eyes cutting to Gianna for a rebuttal. She doesn't say anything. There's nothing she can say because she knows it's the truth.
"So, the house. This really is a seller's market," Felix says, his tone coaxing and persuasive. "I would push to sell. Split the money, start fresh."
I think about eventually living with Bella, but I don't see either of us wanting to move into the houses our spouses used to live in.
Felix has a point. Starting fresh makes the most sense.
I drum my fingers on the glossy table. "Fine. We'll sell it," I agree.
Felix nods. "Wonderful."
"I also don't want Bella to be the one to sell it," Gianna adds, locking me with her cold gaze.
"So, not only are you dictating what we do with the house but also what realty company we're using?" I ask. "No. Sorry. I'm not agreeing to that."
"You cheated on me with her," she says hotly. "You don't get a say, Edward."
My jaw ticks. "If Bella wants to sell it, she can. If not, we can use someone else," I say firmly.
"Your little mistress isn't getting a fucking penny of that commission."
I look at Felix. "Is this something we need to agree on now, or can we move on?"
"We can move on," he says, unfazed.
We go through different items then. Cars. Furniture. Art collected over the years. I keep it fairly simple, offering her everything other than my car. I just don't care. I don't want anything—I just want to get to the part where I ask for primary custody of Seth.
Felix gives me a few odd looks throughout the process and reminds me I'm entitled to half of everything, but I just shake my head, offering Gianna everything.
And then my books come up.
"How would you like to settle the profits of your novels?" Felix asks.
Gianna snorts.
I look at her. "What the hell was that?"
"Nothing." She glances at Felix, fighting a smile. "He can keep his profits. I don't want half of nothing."
I laugh bitterly. I was trying to keep this as painless as possible, but it seems Gianna came here to offer low blows and to antagonize me.
It's petty of me, but it feels good when I simply say, "Go fuck yourself."
She looks shocked. "What? I'm the bad guy for letting you keep your profits?"
"Half of nothing?" I echo her insult. "You don't even know how much I've fucking made from my books."
"Because I don't care!" she says honestly, her ugly side further coming out.
Felix looks between us. "So, Edward keeps the profits," he clarifies, then looks at his computer screen. "And what about the advance he received for the book?"
Last week, I finally turned in my manuscript.
My editor and agent were shocked by the changes, but both approved the new route I wanted to go in. They said readers might not have as visceral of a reaction, but that it was still satisfying. I didn't give a shit how readers would take it. There's only one person's reaction I care about.
The novel is definitely more mainstream than my last two books, and my agent made a remark about the potential of it being turned into a screenplay. I brushed off the compliment, chalking it up to her wanting to boost my ego. But it was gratifying to hear.
"He can keep his little advance," Gianna says coolly like she's doing me a fucking favor.
I have to bite my tongue from tossing out just how much the publisher gave me.
"I suggest you reconsider," he advises her. "Both of you, really. I appreciate how easy you're making this on me, but taking half of what you're owed is standard."
Gianna shrugs. "His money doesn't interest me."
"The advance was…" He looks at his laptop again. "Five hundred thousand dollars," Felix tells her, like it will change her mind.
Gianna falls silent, her mouth parting. She takes this in, maybe trying to figure out how much the book will actually sell for if that's how much I received in advance. It pisses me off when I see a flicker of appreciation flash over her face like she's impressed. Her approval means shit to me.
Felix waits for her answer.
"Keep it," she finally says.
"Very well. We can move onto custody now," Felix replies. "Fifty-fifty? Sixty-forty? What do you both want? I can go over some typical custody arrangements regarding holidays once you both agree."
I wait for Gianna to say something, but she stays quiet, contemplative. So, I speak up.
"Honestly, I want full custody," I say firmly, staring her in the eyes. "I'm the primary caregiver. You can see him whenever you want, but I think it makes the most sense that he stays with me the majority of the time."
"Fine," Gianna easily agrees.
Fine?
I expected her to put up a little fight, I guess. But fine?
"That's it? That's how little you care about our son?" I call her out, even though this is the best-case scenario for Seth and me, and I don't really want her to change her mind.
"I'm giving you what you want! Stop trying to make me out to be the bad guy, to look selfish. If anything, you're the selfish one wanting him all the time."
"I'm doing what I think is best for him," I say heatedly. "You're doing what's best for yourself."
"Oh, my God," she drawls. "I thought you'd be happy I'm agreeing with you. You having primary custody makes sense."
"Why? Because you don't want to make time for him?"
She looks slightly nervous. "I accepted the promotion I was up for."
"Okay? And?"
"I have to relocate to San Francisco."
I blink. "Oh."
"So, unless you and Seth want to move with me…" She trails off, and I don't reply because fuck that. "You having primary custody makes sense. I can come up once a month. Or Seth can come visit me. We can figure something out."
I hate the idea of Seth rarely seeing his mom, but how is that any different than our current situation? And moving away from Bella and Mikey is the last fucking thing I want to do.
Something feels off though.
"When did you accept the promotion?" I ask.
"Why does that matter?"
"When, Gianna?"
She refuses to look at me when she says, "A week before the accident. Things have been delayed because of that, but I will start my new role once I'm fully recovered."
"So, before the divorce was even on the table, you accepted a promotion and were going to relocate without talking to me? You just expected me and Seth to up and move with you, no conversation? Nothing?"
She shrugs. "I figured you're a writer. You could write anywhere."
The fucking disregard. Disrespect. It's in the same vein as her planning to get an abortion without telling me. Our marriage was more fucked than I even knew.
"Seth and I aren't moving," I tell her with finality in my tone.
"Fine."
"I want primary custody. Flying every month isn't going to work for us. If you want to fly up every month, you can. Maybe when he's older, we can modify this agreement."
"Fine," she says again.
Felix looks between us, brows raised before he glances at his watch. "Congratulations. This might be the quickest mediation I've ever handled."
He says it like it's a compliment. Like we should be proud of how easy it's been to separate our lives and get our shit in order. I'm not surprised though. If anything, this just goes to show how little we cared for one another.
It goes to show this divorce has been years in the making.
XXX
Later that afternoon, Bella and Mikey show up at my front door.
She's holding a cake. He's holding some balloons.
Mikey excitedly blurts, "Happy Birfday!"
"Happy Birthday," Bella says softer, smiling, seeming a little more at ease than she has been over the last week or so. "I hope it's okay we're here. We were going to come by earlier, but you were gone. Mikey wanted to make you a cake."
"Thank you," I tell them, stepping aside so they can come in.
"Momma lemme do da icing," Mikey says.
I smile because I can tell. Some parts of the cake have too much frosting, and some parts have none at all. I love it though. I love that Bella didn't try to fix it for him and left it as is. I love that they thought of me at all.
"She's a nice momma," I tell him before my eyes cut to Bella. "The best, really."
After what I dealt with today, this sentiment couldn't be any more fucking true. She's the best mom. My best friend. The kindest. Warmest. The way I feel for her must be clear on my face because her gaze softens.
I want to hug her.
Kiss her.
Nuzzle my face in her neck and breathe her in.
Instead, I just take the cake from her and keep my distance.
"Where's Seth?" Bella asks, lingering in the entryway.
"My in-laws are flying back to California tomorrow, so they wanted to spend some time with him," I say, then correct myself. "Or… my ex-in-laws?" I clear my throat, but Bella's face stays neutral and unfazed at the slip-up. That'll probably happen to both of us for a while. "I'm supposed to go get him in an hour, and then Rose and Emmett are coming over for my birthday."
Bella nods, and Mikey lets go of the balloons, letting them float to the ceiling. Bored by our conversation, he migrates into the living room to play with Seth's toys.
"Do you two want to join us later?" I ask, moving into the kitchen and setting the cake on the counter. "We were gonna order food, have some drinks. Maybe turn on the sprinkler in the backyard for Seth since it's been kind of hot…"
She hesitates, not answering right away as she follows behind me. "Of course, we'd love to join. But I thought that we were trying to give each other space?"
"Yeah. How's that been working out for us?" I ask morosely.
She sighs because yes, we're attempting space. But I comforted her the other week when she was feeling down, and she just baked me a cake and brought over balloons. We're bad at this.
"It's been working out horribly," she finally says. "But what if…"
"What?" I murmur.
"Do you think Jared is having someone follow me?"
My chest hurts from how worried she is. From how much stress this is causing her. "I don't know, Bell. If you're concerned, you and Mikey don't have to come over later. I don't want to put you in a situation you're not comfortable with," I promise.
She sighs. "I've been paranoid about Jared hiring a private investigator, but today Renata said he likely didn't."
"Isn't she the one who put that idea in your head?" I ask.
"Yeah, but we spoke earlier and she said he doesn't need proof of the affair. It's not like I'm denying that happened. And proving I had an affair doesn't make me a bad mom."
"You're the best mom," I tell her again, hoping she believes me.
She just shakes her head like she isn't sure this is true.
"If you're okay with us crashing your party, we'd love to celebrate you," Bella says, a hint of a smile on her pretty face.
"It's not a party. Just dinner and dessert with our boys and my family. And you're not crashing. I want you here."
She smiles tenderly. "It's not just anything. It's everything, right? Celebrating you. Loving you. Hanging with your family. Will your dad be there? Won't that be weird?"
"No. He's fishing with some buddies. Even if he were coming, my dad knows how I feel about you. But I get it if you need more distance," I reassure her. "Maybe things feel less muddled for me because I had mediation today with Gianna."
"Oh?" Bella asks, interested. "Can I ask how that went?"
"According to the mediator, it was one of the quickest meetings he's ever had," I say dryly.
"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"
"I don't know. I'm not going to think about it too hard, but we did agree that I could have Seth full-time."
Bella's face lights up. "Seriously?"
I can't contain my smile. "Yeah."
Bella instantly hugs me, wrapping her arms around my neck. "Fuck, I'm so happy for you," she murmurs.
I can sense some underlying anxiety in her tone. She's still worried about her own situation and I don't blame her. I wish I could fix everything for her. Make this easier. Less painful. Wish I could take all of the blame because I deserve it, not her.
I wrap my arms around her waist and hug her tight, breathing her in as I say, "I'm just glad it's over."
We pull away but it feels reluctant for both of us.
"Was Gianna resistant to the idea?" she wonders.
"Not really. She accepted a promotion without telling me and is relocating to San Francisco. So, it makes sense I keep Seth."
Bella's brows shoot up. "Wow. She's moving?"
"When she's done with physical therapy, I guess. She wants to sell the house, too. So Seth and I might stay at my dad's lake house until I find somewhere new to live."
"You're not going to be next door anymore?" she asks, looking bummed.
"No. But I mean, hopefully, one day we'll be under the same roof," I hedge carefully. "Right?"
She smiles, fingers brushing my stomach. "Yeah, one day."
"Guess I need to sell this place. Do you know any realtors?" I joke.
A look of reluctance flashes over her face. "I'd help you out, but I don't know how appropriate it is for me to sell this place considering everything."
Once she says it, I know she's right. And I know Gianna had valid concerns for not wanting Bella to be the one to sell the house. It'd be disrespectful to my soon-to-be ex-wife, but after the way she treated me today, I wanted her to think Bella was going to sell it just to spite her. Now that I'm not feeling belittled and antagonized, I can admit it's probably wrong for Bella to help me sell.
"That's fine. I can work with someone else if it's weird." I squeeze her shoulder, then squeeze both because I can't not touch her. I massage for a second, just a second, and then my fingers brush the ends of her hair before I pull away. "So, tonight? Will you and Mikey come?"
"Yeah. Yes. If you think it's okay, we'll be here," she agrees. "Mikey's never seen a hundred candles lit on a cake before, so he'll be excited."
"A hundred," I scoff, smirking.
"Thirty-eight," she corrects, eyes lighting up.
I know she's teasing me about my age, but it highlights all the time we've missed out on. It makes my chest feel hollow when I think about how many fucking years we spent apart because we were, what—too stubborn to acknowledge our feelings? Too scared to end our marriages? Too busy being complacent to realize we could have everything we ever fucking wanted? Too noble and trying to do the right thing, all the while missing out on the most perfect thing?
"What's wrong?" she asks, sensing my mood shift.
She wraps her arms around my waist and stares up at me. Her eyes are worried and her mouth is turned down a bit. I hold her in my arms again, relaxing. And then I kiss her forehead. One long, lingering kiss. I know we said space and time, but right now, fuck all of that.
"Hey, talk to me," she murmurs.
"Six fucking years," is all I say, and her face further falls because she understands.
"Yeah, six years, but we're doing something about it now. That's what matters," she whispers. "We didn't let another six years go by."
I groan at the thought. "I wouldn't have survived another year without you."
She smiles sadly. "Sure, you would've."
"No, I really don't think so," I say with conviction.
Another smile, happier this time. "Well… thankfully we don't have to find out."
She's right. I know she is. I shouldn't dwell on the past and how long it took us to get here. And really, we aren't even here yet. We're in fucking limbo. The in-between. But it still feels good.
I'd rather be in limbo with Bella than in a marriage with anyone else.
And the next time I do that—the last time I do that—it's going to be with her.