Disclaimer: I don't own FFTA or FF7 or the movie, FF7: All About Random Battles.
(I got bored so I created this parody for FF7: All About Random Battles because I liked the movie. I've gone through this story and it's not as funny as the actual movie. It was just an idea. Enjoy.)
Final Fantasy Tactics Advance: All About Random Clan Engagements
(Marche is seen talking to the pubmaster in a pub)
Why hello there, Marche.
(Marche looks at the narrator and waves)
What do you have planned for today?
(Marche points up)
Going back to your world, you say?
(Marche nods and frowns)
But what's that, Marche? You need to cross the continent of Ivalice?
(The pub magically changes to the Ivalice map)
Hmm...Not a problem!
(Marche gives thumbs up)
But there's one thing you must keep in mind!
(Marche raises an eyebrow)
Beware the random clan engagements!
(Marche covers his mouth)
Clueless, eh?
(Marche nods)
Well listen to me and you'll be just fine!
(Marche smiles)
First step: Check your equipment!
Judge Sword?
(Marche takes it out)
Check!
(Marche gives thumbs up)
Armor?
(Marche pats his chest)
Check!
Mmmmmmm...
50% Evasion? Nice one!
(Marche nods)
Party members? Seems you have twenty-three members with you. But is that Shara and Ritz?
(Shara and Ritz waves to the narrator)
Nice recruiting, Marche, they're hot!
(Marche opens his mouth and smiles)
Now let's find a random clan. Don't worry about finding one. Travel a few places, you're bound to run into one!
(A microphone appears on top of Marche and leaves camera view)
(Marche smiles and goes to a random landmark, he comes across a clan)
(The engagement screen appears)
"Engage against: Lost Monsters"
This is your engagement screen, Marche. Pick your clan members and put them in those blue, squiggly, confusing spaces.
(Marche nods)
Hmm...Shara and Ritz, eh? You're only going to send them with you?
(Marche smiles and nods)
Nice one, Marche! Nice one!
"To win: Defeat All Enemies!"
(A Judge appears and blows the cheesy whistle)
Judge: Get Ready!
Notice the monsters on the other side?
(Marche looks at the monsters)
You want those to die!
(Marche smiles)
Looks like Shara is up first! Show 'em some magic Shara! Walk towards them and use the Red Mage menu to select your spell!
(Shara goes five spaces and double casts Ifrit on three different monsters; they all die.)
Excellent, Shara! You can light my fires any day! Mmyes...
(Screen goes to Marche)
Your turn, Marche.
(Marche enters the Battle Tech menu)
Wait! What's this? You only have status enducing technique spells! Why, those suck!
Marche: -.-
But you've more of the type to rely on brute strength aren't you, Marche?
(Marche smiles and nods)
Go get 'em Tiger!
(Marche goes seven spaces and attacks a red panther and kills it. All monsters have died)
"Battle Won!"
Good job, guys! Now collect the spoils!
(Battle recap screen appears)
Yes, I know, I have no idea why these monsters are carrying 12,600 gil, a jack knife and an R4 Antilaw card. It will forever be a mystery!
(Ivalice Map)
What a battle! Now that we have a break...Let's play around with the clan members!
(Clan menu with all 24 clan members appear)
Let's see here...who to play around with...aha! How about Mondo and Hastings?
Mondo: Pounce him!
Hastings: Kupo!
Just kidding guys! No one likes you! (Weird giggle)
(Mondo and Hastings frowns)
(Note: You must read FFTA: Ritz Unseen to fully understand this part)
(Marche points to Shara and Ritz)
Yes, let's stick with the ladies!
(Ivalice Map)
Let's enter another random clan engagement!
(Marche goes to a random landmark)
Try again! Hmmmm...
(Marche goes to another random landmark and comes across another clan)
"Engage against: Jagd Emissaries"
Uh oh, Marche! This clan looks tough! You might need backup on this one!
(Marche nods and deploys Shara and Ritz)
Say there Ritz...
(Ritz looks at the narrator)
How about you summon up something fierce?
(Ritz goes four spaces and casts Madeen on the enemy; it does 50 damage each)
Not powerful enough for these clan members! It would be best to flee from this battle. Press B, Start, select flee and look at the shaking letters!
(Everything stops)
"Battle Lost!"
(Ivalice Map)
Don't be embarrassed, Marche.
(Marche frowns)
It's okay to run sometimes!
(Marche raises an eyebrow; camera goes to Shara and Ritz)
Say Shara you look wounded.
(Shara feels her cheek)
How about if Ritz heals your wounds?
(Ritz applies a hand on Shara's cheek and casts Cure)
Ooh, sorry Ritz. Naughty thoughts! (Strange noise)
(Shara and Ritz looks confused)
But let's try one more time at a random clan engagement!
(Before Marche could do anything a clan runs toward him)
"Engage with: Bloodthirsters"
Uh oh, it's the Bloodthirsters Clan, Marche. Better use that flee option again!
(Marche raises his Judge Sword)
What's that Marche? You think you can take them?
(Marche nods)
Well, if you insist. Nice knowing you!
(Marche deploys Shara and Ritz and begins the engagement. Before anybody could attack, the Bloodthirsters surrounds Marche, Ritz and Shara. The Bloodthirsters began to attack them.)
(Chocobo and Moogle within)
Ooh! Aah! Oh that's gotta hurt! Oh, it's not supposed to bend like that! Ooh! Ouch! Oh, I hurt just thinking about it!
(Marche manages to drag out of the fight but an assassin drags him back inside)
"Battle Lost!"
(Still in the engagement screen, Marche, Shara and Ritz are unconscious)
Looks like you went in way over your head. Learned your lesson, eh Marche?
(Marche gets up)
Ah, it looks like you're still alive!
(Marche nods)
This would be a good time to learn about reviving fallen party members!
(Marche raises an eyebrow)
Go to the item menu...Wade through ALL the useless items...and find your phoenix downs!
(Marche goes down a long list and takes out two fire feathers)
Aha! There you go, Marche.
(Marche shows it to the narrator and smiles)
Now use them on your Koed party.
(Marche presents the feather and drops it on Shara and Ritz)
(Shara and Ritz gets up)
There you go. Good as new!
(Marche smiles to the narrator and nods to Shara and Ritz)
Remember, Marche...
(Marche looks at the narrator)
Phoenix downs are your friends!
(Marche nods)
But keep in mind that they don't always work!
(Camera zooms in on Ritz)
I'm looking at yoooou, Ritz! (Weird giggle)
(Ritz gets confused as the screen blacks out)
Fin.
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