Harry Potter and the Attack of the Yawners
Disclaimer:I am the greatest and you are not. I hereby own everything. It's all mine!! Hahahahaha!! None for you! I own Jack Lumber, the Yawners, and your soul. Don't argue with me! I do expect to make money off of this story (Donations accepted!!) and you don't get any of it!
In giving this story a bad review, I am entitled ownership of all of your belongings, your children become my slaves, and you must pay a tribute of at least 15% of your annual income to me every year on the anniversary of your reading this.
I do not mean to slam Harry Potter, I just find him a very easy target for a joke. Enjoy!
On Jack, Nuiroth, and F.T.F.C.:
If you wish to know more about Jack Lumber, Nuiroth Malakai, or Fight the Face Coalition (FTFC), please email me at I can provide all the information you need and even give you a copy of my classic tale The Rise of the Face (Which details the birth of FTFC).
Chapter 1: The Beginning of the Story
"Hey, check out that blond with the huge-AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!" said Jack Lumber to his good friend Nuiroth Malakai as they both unwittingly stepped into a portal to another world. Everything was suddenly bla- you know what? I'm too lazy to tell all the details of how Jack and Nuiroth got into the other world, so I'll just skip forward a bit.
So there they were, in The Forbidden Forest (or so they guessed, due to that annoying car that kept following them and singing "The Song that Never Ends", and Nuiroth's random clairvoyance), sitting by the fire, feeling pissed off because it was Jack's birthday and he really wanted that free Ice Cream Sunday from The Coffeehouse, and wow this is a really long sentence I think I'll make it its own paragraph.
Both of them were sitting across from each other, leaning against trees, and cleaning their guns (Did I mention that they had guns? Cause they did. And I mean they had a lot of guns: shotguns, rifles, crossbows [don't argue], Uzis, and pistols, not to mention Nuiroth's saber and Jack's katana). Suddenly, a shadow passed across the moon. With all the speed of the pirate that he was, Jack was up and spewing lead into the night sky. A high-pitched scream (it seems Harry's voice cracked, for that was who it was of course) came ringing from above and they heard a loud thump near their campsite. Jack and Nuiroth grabbed their weapons and walked to the place where they heard the noise.
Harry Potter was lying sprawled on top of the rotting corpse of Buckbeak (the head was completely blown off and there were several holes in the body. Screw accuracy, that's what I say happened). As Jack and Nuiroth drew near, Harry grabbed his wand and pointed it at them.
"Get back or I'll caAAAst a spell on you!" yelled Harry, his voice cracking again.
"Oh no Jack!!" said Nuiroth with mock fear, "Run! Quick! He'll get you!"
"No!! Save yourself! I can live the rest of my life as a frog!"
"I'm seEEErious!" squealed Harry.
"Whatever kid." Said Jack as he stepped forward.
"Thingamajiggy non-"Harry began, but he was quickly cut off by Jack punching him in the face, "Ow!! That hur-"
"Shut up" Jack said, punching him in the face again.
Nuiroth lead Harry back to camp while Jack dragged Buckbeak back. They hung Buckbeak from a tree and-
"NO!!" squeeked Harry, who had just realized what they were doing (took him long enough), "You can't eat Buckbeak!!"
Jack punched him in the face, returned to his work, and in no time, Buckbeak was skinned, butchered, and cooked.
"I love hippogriff, don't you Nuiroth?"
"Indeed."
The next morning, Jack and Nuiroth grabbed their gear and untied Harry. Nuiroth pointed his rifle at Harry and told him to lead them to the school. Of course Jack and Nuiroth knew about the school!! As boys, they had been forced to read the Harry Potter books as a punishment. They were never the same again.
As they left the forest and entered the wide lawn in front of the school, Jack halted them.
"First thing's first." He said. He punched Harry in the face, grabbed him, threw him over his shoulder, and tossed him into the lake. Jack lauged with glee as he watched the boy struggle. Harry tried to swim back to shore, but was grabbed and pulled under by the giant squid. Nuiroth and Jack walked up the lawn and stood in front of the great doors of Hogwarts School of Nonsense and Stupidity.
"Halt! Foolish ones!!" boomed a voice from inside the school.
Thus ends Chapter 1. Many questions are left to be answered. Whose voice is that? Will Jack and Nuiroth live? What is the capital of Belgium? All that and more in the next chapter of....Harry Potter and the Attack of the Yawners!
Chapter 2: The Chapter that Comes After Chapter 1
Suddenly, Nuiroth remembered a voice calling to him out of the past...well, not really. I just need a way to explain why a bunch of evil Yawners are about to attack them. Jack and Nuiroth are the founding members of Fight The Face Coalition (FTFC). FTFC is an anti-smiley face group, bent on the extermination of all smiley faces. They started the group when their friend Hong, creator of the Yawners (little circles with horizontal lines for eyes and a circle for a mouth. The evil ones have razor sharp teeth), became possessed and the Yawners came to life. A massacre ensued; Jack and Nuiroth managed to fight off the Yawners, but not before 500 off their peers were killed. Jack and Nuiroth are now the sworn enemies of the evil faces.
The doors flew open, and Draco Malfoy and his gang faced them. Jack and Nuiroth began to climb the steps.
"Halt I say!" said Draco. Jack pointed his gun at him. Malfoy looked at it and sneered.
"What are you gonna do with that stupid muggle toy?" grunted Crabbe, Malfoy's crony.
BANG!! Chunks of Crabbe's head flew across the room. Everyone just looked at Jack, stunned.
"Get out of our way" said Nuiroth, and then he said to Jack," Let's go to the Gryffindor common room so we can get that one girl to help us. They walked through the crowd, grabbed a kid, and made him take them to there. As they approached the common room, Jack pulled out a lighter.
"What's the Password" said the skinny lady (she had gotten all caught up in that Atkins craze) cheerfully.
"Open the hell up, or I'll burn your head off." Said Jack, flipping on the lighter and holding up the flame.
"Go on in!" said the skinny lady, still cheerfully but slightly flustered.
Jack and Nuiroth found the Gryffindor lot to be much better. The common room was full (they were all skipping class and the teachers were too stupid to notice) and they all had a great appreciation for a pirate like Jack. They were greeted with enthusiastic hellos because it's my story and I say they were. Nuiroth looked around the room and saw Hermiowhatsherface sitting in the corner.
"Hey! You're the smart one, right?" said Nuiroth as they approached her. She looked up.
"I guess so." She said modestly. Ginny, who was sitting next to her, just rolled her eyes.
"Everyone knows you're a genius." She said. She looked up at Jack and smiled, "Hello, who are you?"
"I'm Jack Lumber." Said Jack, also smiling. Ginny was looking much better this year at Hogwarts, and she had earned it. Her family, poor as ever, was running extremely low on money. In order to get a little extra dough, Ginny had used certain assets that she had grown, and had taken up a little hobby, one which was greatly aided by the Aging Potion she took (she was now 19)-WAIT A SECOND!! This is supposed to be rated PG-13, right? I better skip ahead a ways.
When Jack woke up the next morning, he found that he was alone in the bedroom. He descended the steps into a common room that was still full of people. Nobody knew what had happened the night before.
While the rest of the school slept, Draco Malfoy and the rest of his House where practicing their Dark Magic. They all had gathered in the dungeons and had stood in a circle, chanting in tongues so horrible that you would go insane if you heard them (and if you did hear them, you probably are insane. You're reading right now and last I checked you don't hear when you read). Suddenly, a bright ball of green light appeared and hundreds of vicious Yawners poured out of it (if you don't remember what a yawner is, read the first paragraph of this chapter and then hit yourself with a brick you dumb fool). The Yawners latched onto the heads of everyone in the room using their dark power to control the students. The rest of the Yawners just settled to the ground and they all waited.
Meanwhile, Harry Potter had finally washed up on the lake. In his wretched state, he didn't recognize the giant dark sphere, which had floated up to him and forced itself into his body. Feeling sick, Harry passed out.
Chapter 3: A Bunch of Stuff Happens
Jack and Nuiroth had grown tired of seeing Hermiowhatsherface's ugly face and had given up on they idea that she could help them get home
"Hey, we're gonna go downstairs and extort the house elves. Who's coming with us?"
"Hold on!" said Hermiowhatsherface, "Ginny has my wand"
"I'd like give Ginny my wand, if you know what I mean." said Nuiroth, who never missed an opportunity to make some good innuendo. As they entered the Great Hall, they noticed that something was not right.
The first clue was that all of the teachers had been hung from the ceiling and their bodies were dangling there like gruesome decorations. The second clue was as soon as they were all in, the army of Yawners (including the students that had been possessed by them) surrounded them. Those students who had not figured out that the situation was somewhat different from the normal routine, figured it out on the third clue. Draco Malfoy stepped forward and roared in a voice from the depths of hell, "Kill the Face Fighters!!!"
The Yawners swarmed forward, most of them heading for Jack and Nuiroth, but many rampaging among the students. Jack and Nuiroth swung their weapons up and blazed their bloody path to glory. Jack was wielding twin Uzis like a true pirate. He spewed lead across the hall like a guy shooting a bunch of Yawners. Nuiroth was blasting away with a shotgun in one hand and a crossbow in the other. Yawners flew left and right! Blood of faces and students alike was splashed against the wall. Legs and arms fell from the sky like rain! Nuiroth waded to the kill through an ankle deep pool of blood.
Suddenly, the doors crashed open and Harry stood there. His eyes blazed with a demonic power and he roared in a voice that thrust fear into the hearts of everyone who heard it.
"LET CHAOS REIN SUPREME!!! BEHOLD! FOR I HAVE MADE THE FAN FICTIONS TRUE!!!"
Suddenly, all the fan fictions were real. People stopped fighting with people they had once hated. Malfoy's sex suddenly changed! Hermiowhatsherface, Ginny, and nearly every other girl gave birth to tons of babies from the most unlikely fathers imaginable. Ginny and Ron where suddenly married! Hermiowhatsherface was suddenly the drummer for a Heavy Metal band! Hagrid had and Afro and was wearing a giant tie-die shirt! The only ones unaffected were Jack, Nuiroth, and the Yawners.
And the fight still raged. A sword appeared next to Harry, who picked it up and charged at his fellow peers. Jack and Nuiroth drew their swords, spun around in a flurry of death (killing all the Yawners who where nearby) and charged at Harry.
Harry moved with an ungodly speed. Heads flew like leaves in an autumn breeze. Boy's and girls fell screaming before his wrath. And suddenly, Jack and Nuiroth where in the fray! They sliced and dogged and attacked Harry with all their might.
"Thingy speEEEl." Yelled Harry, as he whipped out his wand. But due to his voice cracking, the spell screwed up and his head flew off ("$#!" said Jack, "I wanted to punch him in the face again!"). But his body kept fighting. Harry grabbed his sword and swung for Nuiroth, who blocked the blow. Jack rushed in and cut off Harry's arm. He kicked out at Jack, and Nuiroth sliced his leg off.
Defeated at last, the Yawner of Doom rose from Harry's shaking body (imagine a Yawner dressed up like the grim reaper and that's him). The green sphere of light reappeared in the middle of the hall and all of the Yawners fled into it.
"You haven't seen the last of me!!" roared the Yawner of Doom.
"That's so cliché." Said Nuiroth. Jack and Nuiroth ran through the portal and found themselves back in their own world.
Chapter 4: Too Short to be Called a Chapter
The feast was the best Harry had ever had. At the end of it, Dumbledore rose up.
"We have all had a wonderful year, except for that part where all of the teachers died. Now I would like to give out some last minute points." His eyes twinkled or something gay like that, "For breaking every rule we have at Hogwarts, for flying through the air on an illegal animal at night, and for the heartless murder of many of his fellow students, I award Harry Potter with a billion points and a thousand Galleons! Gryffindor wins!!!!!"
Fin
This is the first fan fiction I have ever written and I hope you liked it. I really am not that good at serious stuff (at least that's what I think) but I love writing humor (when I don't get in trouble for it. My principal just can't take a joke!). If you would like to read more of the adventures of Jack and Nuiroth (such as Jack Lumber in: Running from the Fuzz, the only real story that's listed in my profile), or if you would like to learn more about Fight the Face (yes, it's a real orginization), please email me (see top). None of my other stories are Fan Fiction so I couldn't really post them on this site. Thanks for reading!