Society for Nutters Obsessed with Ronald

by Potter47

A secret society has been founded within the halls of Hogwarts. What does it have to do with Ron? UPDATED.

2. The Screenplay

"Society for Nutters Obsessed with Ronald"

A screenplay by Steve Kloves

INT - ROOM OF REQUIREMENT

HERMIONE GRANGER

Welcome everyone, to the first meeting of the Society for Nutters Obsessed with Ronald.

LUNA LOVEGOOD

(perplexedly)

Everyone? There's no-one else here, just you and--

L. L. stops short, eyes widening, and looks back and forth.

LUNA LOVEGOOD (CONT'D)

What am I doing here!? I don't even exist!

HERMIONE GRANGER

(logically)

What are you talking about? Of course you exist: you're standing right here. Nothing exists if it isn't shown on-screen, silly.

LUNA LOVEGOOD

No, I mean the screenwriter has given no thought to the fact that I'm going to pop up in the fifth film! He acts as if there is no chance that you and Ronald aren't going to fall in love...

HERMIONE GRANGER

(hopefully)

Do you think? Do you think really Ronald could love ME?!

LUNA LOVEGOOD

(snappishly)

Don't call him Ronald! You're not supposed to call him Ronald! Only I am!

HERMIONE GRANGER

(to the room at large)

As I was saying, welcome to the Society for Nutters Obsessed with Ronald. We have all come here today -- voluntarily, mind you -- to help each other with our obsession with the second youngest Weasley, Ronald. First of all, I do not blame a single one of you for your obsession. All of us have the same disease, merrily chomping its way through our being, until nothing is left of us but unwavering devotion--

LUNA LOVEGOOD

YOU DO NOT!

HERMIONE GRANGER

Well, that doesn't matter, does it? You don't exist.

LUNA LOVEGOOD

Of course I exist! I'm standing right here!

HERMIONE GRANGER

That's not what you just said...oh! I know just the way to sort this out!

LUNA LOVEGOOD

(distressedly)

How?

HERMIONE GRANGER

(italically)

INCENDIO RONALD!

A cardboard cut-out of RONALD WEASLEY appears in front of his besotted best friend. H. G. smiles at him/it SHYLY. This is, of course, the proper function of the spell...

LUNA LOVEGOOD

WHAT? That's not the function of that spell! If this were canon, you would have set him on fire!

HERMIONE GRANGER

Yes, but canon doesn't matter now, does it?

LUNA LOVEGOOD

Of course it does!

RONALD WEASLEY CARDBOARD CUT-OUT

(confuzzledly)

Erm...what am I doing here?

HERMIONE GRANGER

I summoned you, of course.

H.G. looks down at her feet, hands behind her back. R.W.C.C.O. smiles slightly at her.

RONALD WEASLEY CARDBOARD CUT-OUT

You know, Hermione, I'd ask to move closer, but...I'm a cardboard cut-out after all...

LUNA LOVEGOOD

(admonishingly)

Ronald!

RONALD WEASLEY CARDBOARD CUT-OUT

What? Oh, right. Figuring this out...hey, wait a minute. How'd I know that? I wasn't here...

HERMIONE GRANGER

(flirtatiously)

Who cares? You know, Ronald, the Shrieking Shack's usually empty this time of year...

LUNA LOVEGOOD

There will be no Shrieking Shack snogging in this--

LUNA and RONALD look up suddenly, as if having an epiphany.

HERMIONE GRANGER

What? As always, I'm the last to figure things out...

LUNA LOVEGOOD

SNOG!

RONALD WEASLEY CARDBOARD CUT-OUT

(simultaneously)

SNOG!

HERMIONE GRANGER

(hurtly)

What? What about me?

RONALD WEASLEY CARDBOARD CUT-OUT

Who is the only person in the history of fandom to call their stories "Society for Nutters Obsessed with..." something?

HERMIONE GRANGER

(shivering)

I don't know...I don't read fanfiction. Too many crazy people pair me up with...Harry...Dumbledore...HAGRID...but I'd assume that whoever it was is writing this as well?

RONALD WEASLEY CARDBOARD CUT-OUT

Exactly!

LUNA LOVEGOOD

Then it must be...

RONALD WEASLEY CARDBOARD CUT-OUT

Potter47!

LUNA LOVEGOOD

(simultaneously)

Potter47!

RONALD WEASLEY CARDBOARD CUT-OUT

It must be him!

HERMIONE GRANGER

(reluctantly)

Well, there's only one way to find out...INCENDIO POTTER47!

POTTER47

(screaming)

AHHH!!!

POTTER47 falls, screaming from the ceiling. His robes are aflame, and he is, obviously, in pain. Serves him right...

LUNA LOVEGOOD

OMG! OMG! OMG! We'v got2 put out fyr!!!1!!

POTTER47

(stampingly)

Dont...use...internet...shorthand....

LUNA LOVEGOOD

Sorry.

HERMIONE GRANGER

(italically)

Accio!

The flames on Potter47's robes sadly, yet ultimately, POOF! out of existance.

POTTER47

Thanks. But since when do fires "poof?"

HERMIONE GRANGER

So you're not, like, writing this?

POTTER47

WHAT? NO! Why in the world would I write THIS? It's obviously -- ha ha -- the work of an evil shipper. Someone out to conquer the fandom, not just writing for the sake of proving a point, showing a possibility, or showing the irony in something widely believed (which I like to do). No, this is utter nonsense.

LUNA LOVEGOOD

(doubtfully)

I don't know...you've written some pretty out-there stuff...

POTTER47

All in the spirit of entertainment! This is sheer...absurdity. There is only one writer on the planet that would dare to propose that HERMIONE would start a group like this...

LUNA LOVEGOOD

Who?

RONALD WEASLEY CARDBOARD CUT-OUT

(simultaneously)

Who?

HERMIONE GRANGER

He SAID me!

POTTER47

Isn't it obvious? Sorry, I had to say that...

LUNA LOVEGOOD

You're stalling!

POTTER47

All in the name of suspense!

HERMIONE GRANGER

Well, obviously...

POTTER47

HA! Hermione said "obviously"! To me! Though, that's NOTHING to that time J.K.R. said it to me, at that chat...

LUNA LOVEGOOD

PLEASE!

POTTER47

Alright, fine. The one person in the entire universe that would right this story, is--

Suddenly, a bolt of lightning crashes down through the ceiling of the Room of Requirement. It hits Potter47 square in the forehead, and he dies instantly.

INT - STEVE KLOVES OFFICE - MIDNIGHT

STEVE KLOVES

(cackling maniacally)

Ha ha! Now THAT'S payback!

Picking up his coffee mug, Steve Kloves revels in his brilliance.

STEVE KLOVES (CONT'D)

That kid sure deserved it...making up those lies about me...implying that screenwriters shouldn't ship...that Ron/Hermione might not happen...that Hermione fancied SNAPE! He so deserved it...

Suddenly, a bolt of lightning crashes down through the ceiling of Steve Kloves' office. It hits the screenwriter square in the forehead, and he dies instantly.

INT - EDINBURGH CAFE - MIDDAY

J. K. ROWLING

Oh, HE so deserved that...changing my stories...foreshadowing things that--oh, thank you.

J. K. R. accepts TWELFTH cup of TEA from WAITER.

WAITER

(gesturing to notebook in J.K.R.'s hands.)

So, Ms Rowling...this is it? This is what's going to happen in the sixth book?

J. K. ROWLING

(found-out-ed-ly)

Erm...not exactly...

WAITER

Then the seventh?

WAITER chuckles.

WAITER (CONT'D)

You know, I cracked up at your answer to one of Potter47's questions...what was it? Oh, yeah. "Harry Potter and...something. Catchy, don't you think? And I think I'll follow the same model for seven."

J. K. ROWLING

(changing subject)

You're a fan, aren't you?

WAITER

Why do you think I work here?

WAITER walks away.

J. K. ROWLING

Hmmm...I'd better publish this under a pseudonym...

Suddenly, a figurative bolt of lightning crashes down through the ceiling of the Edinburgh cafe. It hits the author square in the forehead, and she smiles.

J. K. ROWLING (CONT'D)

I know...