A/N:  Another day, another chapter. Now I know how Charles Dickens felt when he wrote his serials, with multitudes of people writing letters to say how much they liked his work. Reviews are so nice, especially when the English teacher from Hell says I have no talent. One of the other kids also likes fanfiction.net and had been reading 16YaC religiously, and when she discovered not only that I was Jan McNeville, but that the teacher didn't like my style of writing, she printed out every review I had ever gotten, cut them apart, and sprinkled the teacher's desk. It made a glorious mess and a very good point to Ms. Stick-Up-The-Arse, even if my friend does whack me on the head when new chapters don't appear fast enough. Here you go with the next bit.

Chapter Nine: In Which The Plot is Not Furthered a Single Bit
                              or
                              Snape Gets Muggled

"Sevvy?"

"Cassandra, I've asked you not to call me that."

"But it suits you so well."

"My name's Severus."

"That suits you, too," Cass remarked, absently nibbling a tea-biscuit. "You wear far too much black and look positively dour even at Christmastime. You're a perfect Severus."

"Then how does your calling me Sevvy fit into it?"

"Because you bristle and look like an offended cat. Doesn't 'e, 'Mione?"

Hermione, who was sitting at the classroom table opposite the one Cass was sitting on, couldn't help but smile.

"Go ahead, Miss Granger, agree with her." Snape leaned back in his chair and gazed at the two females, one working diligently on a potion and the other sitting cross-legged on a table, eating tea-biscuits. "You women are all alike."

"Are not," they protested in unison.

"Sir, does this willow bark need to be shaved or sliced?" Hermione asked politely.

"If you don't know-" Snape began harshly.

"Oh, let me slice it!" Cass picked up a chopping knife, slyly winking to her friend. "It's the only part of potioning I really like."

"Potioning?" Snape asked. "I don't think I like that term."

"I think you have a knarl up your ass, per'fessor," Cass remarked sweetly.

Not being a student, Cass could say pretty much whatever she liked, and oftentimes she abused the privilege wretchedly for the sheer joy of watching people who were students swallow their own tongues with mirth. Taunting Snape seemed to be her special favorite, and Hermione found herself biting her lip to keep from laughing.

"Mrs. Tyler, I have a student, whom you are distracting abominably." Snape indicated Hermione tolerantly. "Miss Granger, if you would like her to leave-?" he looked at her hopefully.

"I don't want you to be without company, Professor."

"Hang it all!" Snape picked up a tea-biscuit and bit it furiously. "Ow!"

"Professor?" Hermione got up and walked over to where her teacher was clutching his jaw in pain. "Are you alright?"

"Oww," he groaned. "Iff juff my tooth –go 'way."

"I'll go get 'Mione's parents!" Cass cried, a little too gleefully.

"Yes, Professor, they're dentists. They're very good."

"Thuck off, both of you!" Snape protested.

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Unfortunately for Snape, however, two eager young witches were a worse foe than Voldemort. Cass threatened to call the house-elves to carry him if he didn't go quietly, and Hermione promised that it would be quite painless. Finally, still holding his jaw, he was led up to a deserted classroom just off the Hospital Wing, where Peter Granger quickly set up an improptu surgery with his daughter's aid.

"This chair will do excellently!" he observed, shoving a leather recliner to where he wanted it. "Dear, would you bring that swag-lamp over? Sit down, sir. I'll fix it properly. Heavens, what excellently shaped incisors!" Dr. Granger smiled excitedly. "You've broken a canine, but apart from that, you really have well-cut teeth. My wife has exactly that sort of a bicuspid."

"Huh?" Severus had never been to anything like a dentist in his life, and he was rather frightened that it would hurt.

"Daddy means you have good teeth, Professor," Hermione translated.

At least his student looked markedly capable. Severus assumed correctly by the knacky way she was helping her father to set things up that she had acted as his nurse in a pinch before. As Hermione threw a sheet over him, tucking it into his collar in lieu of a paper cloth, Severus realized the Muggle was apt to do something horrible.

"I really do wish we had X-rays here," Peter remarked.

"Transpareo illusia!" Hermione conjured a see-through picture of Snape's entire skull slightly above his head.

"Whenever did you learn to do that, dear? Sir, if you could open your mouth a bit…" Snape did, and the illusion did likewise. "Hermione, I really do like that spell! See how his dentin layer's perfectly visible."

"My what?"

"The insides of your teeth, Professor. Muggle X-rays aren't quite as clear as Illusia charms."

"I'm just going to inject a little bit of novocaine," Peter announced, taking a hypodermic from his black bag and readying it.

"Inject?" Snape sat bolt upright in the reclined chair. "You are injecting nothing into me, Muggle!"

"If you'd rather, I could numb it for you, Professor." Hermione held up her wand, undisguisedly amused that the dread Professor Snape was petrified of needles.

"Oh, no! You mad lot aren't touching my –ow!"

"Sir, I can promise you, it's only a little pinch." Judging my the slight grin on Dr. Granger's face, Hermione's letters home had not mentioned Snape in quite the light he was now meeting the teacher in. "I have a small tank of nitrous oxide, if you really feel squeamish."

"What'll that do?" Snape asked.

"Knock you out," the dentist announced bluntly.

"What?"

"Only for an hour or so," Hermione cast a disapproving look in her father's direction.

"Then what are you going to do to my teeth?"

"Repair the canine, probably drill-an'-fill the back molars –you've got a few cavities- clean the whole works, remove that extra cuspid-"

"Remove?" Snape squeaked. "You don't mean –pull it out?"

"You've never really needed two, sir, and that's the cause of the malocclusion on the left side."

"The extra pointy tooth is making your bite crooked," Hermione explained.

"There is no way in Hell I am letting you two knock me out and-"

There was a dull 'thunk' and Snape collapsed into an unconscious stupor.

"Cass!" Hermione cried.

The American stood over the professor, shoe in hand.

"That wasn't really necessary," Dr. Granger chastised.

"Someone had to shut him up."

Peals of laughter suddenly sounded from the door. Hermione looked past Snape and saw Harry and Ron laughing so hard they looked about to wet themselves.

"What the sod are you doing here?"

"If only Neville could've saw!" Harry gasped. Ron gave Cass a bear hug.

"I love Americans!"

"Well, as long as you're here, boys, come wash your hands." Dr. Granger looked absolutely pleased to have more nurses. "Put on those aprons and some of the latex gloves. This poor man needs a full makeover."

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"Is he awake yet?" Cass inquired.

"No, and I don't blame him, what with your whacking him on the head." Hermione was inspecting her Professor's newly-repaired teeth and surreptitiously doing her favorite bleaching charm on each.

"Oh, good!" Cass picked up one of Madam Pomfrey's freshly cleaned bedpans and began to fill it with warm water at the sink.

"What are you going to do now?"

"I've brought contraband." Cass tossed Hermione a plastic Muggle grocery bag, which turned out to contain two bottles of Pantene Pro-V; not just shampoo, either, but conditioner as well. The elegant little letters on the front read 'for fine or especially oily hair.' Hermione gasped at the American's brazen nerve and ingenuity, but mostly the brazen nerve.

"You aren't!"

"We are." Cass shoved a wheeled tea tray into place and began to soak Snape's hair with the warm water from the bedpan. "Come on."

"If he wakes up-"

"I'll knock him out again."

"Well…I will admit, I've always sort of wanted to." Hermione opened the shampoo bottle and sniffed at it.

"Go ahead, sister, unleash your fantasies."

"Okay."

Very timidly, Hermione drizzled a small amount of the product onto Snape's wet scalp. At Cass's enticement, she began to rub it in, and when the shampoo turned into lather it became too much.

"Yes!" Hermione exulted and scrubbed wildly, feeling the glee as the clarifying shampoo stripped away all of the dungeon grease. "Oh, yes!"

"Ease up! That isn't the herbal stuff!"

"Stow it, Yankee!" Eagerly, Hermione began to rinse and repeat, giggling maniacally all the time. "Oh! Yes! Tiger!"

"This is madness. I'm going to get Ginny." Cass fled the room.

"Ask if we can borrow her hairdryer!"

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A/N: I'm sorry, but that needed to be done, too. More later.
-Jan McNeville