Here's the next chappy! ^^ I just had a buncha ideas for this fic! And
Nemesis, ^^;; hate to tell ya, but I'm a boy. (Although, I don't blame you
for mistaking me, I mean, Fanfiction.net is dominated by girls XD) So, ^^;;
let's just be friends. XD Oh yeah, and all the 'Flashback' scenes will be
in Script Form, and when a characters name is capitalized it means s/he is
narrating. ^_^ Anyway, I hope you guys like this chappy!
^_^_^_^_^_^
JILL: July 23, 1998
Some corny horror music on a pipe organ played as it showed Jill, Barry, and Wesker enter the mansion...
JILL: We entered the mansion...
See? Told ya.
JILL: We were weak, conf00zled, and out of candy. Our rescue mission turned into a nightmare. Barry, Wesker and I made it into the mansion after we were attacked by a group of zombie dogs.
Jill: DAMN THAT WAS SCARY!
Barry: What is this place...?
Wesker: A mansion.
Jill and Barry: Oooooooaaaaahhhhh!
-"Wasn't Chris there too?" Rebecca asked-
JILL: Wait...yeah, he was!
Barry: *disappears and Chris pops up in his place*
Jill: Barry, where's Barry!?
JILL:....wait a sec; Barry was there too, wasn't he? I'm confused. X_x I remember only three of us were there...
They all heard gunshots!!!
All: *hear gunshots and turn to the door*
Wesker: What was that!?
Barry: *pops up in Chris's place* Chris?
Jill: No!
JILL: Chris was sent in, I was left with Wesker.
Wesker: *sticks a gun to Jill's head* Follow me!
Jill: O.O Wesker!? What are you-
Wesker: Shut up! Follow me into the nice pretty cell.
Jill: *points dramatically* Traitor!!!!!
Wesker: Whatever.
Later...
JILL: I was put in a cell...
Shows Jill sitting in a cell in the basement.
JILL:.....wait a sec, I was in the mansion! CHRIS was put in the cell!
Jill disappears and Chris appears in her place.
-"Wait a sec!" Becky said. "I met Chris in the mansion! That couldn't of happened!"-
JILL: X_x I'm conf00zled again! Arg!
Jill: *pops up back in the mansion foyer with Wesker and Barry*
Wesker: *sweatdrop* How did that happen!?
Barry: WHAT IS THIS PLACE!!!!??????
Jill and Wesker: A MANSION!!!!!
Barry: Oh...*hears gunshots again* MORE GUNSHOTS!!!!
Jill: *gasp*
Wesker: Chris?
Jill: No!...again!
Wesker: Jill, go and check it out again.
Jill: *sigh* Okey, Barry, follow me.
Barry: Why?
Jill: BECAUSE I DAMN SAID SO!
Barry: Okey okey! Calm down! *follows Jill into the next room*
Jill and Barry: *walk through the door 3 different ways and enter the dinning room*
Barry: What is this place!?
Jill: A dinning room...
Barry: Oh...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Jill, stop. You're messing everything up! All FOUR of you were in the foyer!" Rebecca yelled.
"SHUT UP REBECCA!!!!! I KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED AND YOU DON'T SO NYAA!!!" Jill screamed as she got up.
"LET ME TELL THE STORY! I CAN ACTUALLY REMEMBER THINGS BECAUSE I HAVE A SMART BRAIN AND I WENT TO COLLEGE SO I'M SMARTERER THAN YOU!" Rebecca yelled as she put up a loser sign.
"Aw shut up you friggin turd!" Jill said. "I'm the best! ME! I'm hotter than you, and I can FIGHT UNLIKE YOU!!!!"
Rebecca got up. "HEY! AT LEAST I DON'T FALL ON MY ASS EVERY TIME I'M SCARED!!!!"
Carlos, Billy, Sherry, and all the others sighed.
"WELL AT LEAST I DON'T GASP DRAMATICALLY WHENEVER I SEE SOMETHING MOVE!!!!"
"WELL...uh..." Rebecca moved her arm to show her tattoo. "WELL I HAVE A TATTOO SO I'M COOLER THAN YOU!"
"WELL!!!!" Jill pulled out her RE1 hat. "I HAVE A BETTER HAT!!!"
"TATTOO!!!!!!!"
"HAT!!!"
"TATTOO!!!!!!"
"HAT!!!!!!!!!"
"TATTOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"HAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Hey, can I tell the story?" Barry asked. Both girls looked at him, anger flaring in their eyes.
"NO!!!!!!!!!"
"Okey! ^^;;;;;;" Barry said.
"TATTOO!!!!!!!!" Rebecca screamed.
"HAT!!!!!!!!!" Jill yelled.
"T-A-T-T-O-O!!!!!!!" Rebecca screamed as she grabbed Jill's arms and shook her violently.
"H-A-T-E!!!!!" Jill screamed as she shoved Rebecca.
"Hat's spelled H-A-T stupidhead!" Rebecca said. "TATTOO!!!!"
"HAT!!!!!!!"
"TATTOO!!!!"
"HAT!!!!!!"
This went on for a few hours...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Chris sighed as he looked out across the large desert plain. The suns halfway down the horizon, and the whole place had a warm orangeish aura. He'd done nothing but sit around, hearing the annoying drone of the motorbike as various bugs of different shapes and sizes met their fate across his lightly colored skin. He could see the gun in the holster of Elza's belt, being a S.T.A.R.S. member; he was specially trained at doing kickass gun-grabbing moves. But he was afraid. Fear was the death bringer. Of all the monsters and zombies he'd encountered in the mansion incident not too long ago, insane blonde chicks brought more paralyzing fear shooting through his soul like an arrow..........of paralyzing fear!
Besides, she said she has a few gallons of pepper spray-all girls seemed to- and he was pretty sure she wouldn't be afraid to use it.
'Just grab the friggin gun and put it to her head, she wont be able to stop you and she'll be forced to surrender' the smart part of his brain told him.
'No.' the other 98% of his brain told him.
'Fair enough'
He sighed again, not surprised when he felt a rather large fly...fly right down his throat.
"Darn bugs..." he muttered as he gulped it down, the bug met its fate with all the others that flew down his stomach. They should have listened when their parents told them never to cross a country road, but they never listened. So they almost always met their sad fate against windshields, car bumpers, and Chris's throat. Once the wheels of justice began to turn, nothing could stop them...nothing...
O_o Why the hell am I talking about bugs...?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A stupid grin formed on Claire's face as she finally placed the piano roll in the piano. The Ashford Tune started to slowly play on the piano, and she wasn't very surprised when for no friggin reason at all the slot machine case opened.
"DANG WHY DO THEY RIG IT UP LIKE THAT!?" Claire screamed. "YOU HAVE TO PLAY THE PIANO TO GET THE MONEY OUT OF THE SLOT MACHINES!? DAMN THIS PLACE IS FRIGGIN MESSED UP I TELL YER!!!!"
"We know!" all the zombies mumbled. Claire sweatdropped and looked at the open part of the slot machine. An incredibly shiny blue ant object was inside, similar to the red one that still rested in Alexia's music box.
"O_o How the hell did someone cram THAT down the slot machine?" Shaking her head, she picked the item up and stored it in her incredibly large side pocket. "Well...*sigh* back to the residence of evil..."
Later...
The door swiftly (ooo...swiftness. ^^) closed behind Claire as she walked into the hall just outside the Ashford Twins bedrooms. She walked down the hall and entered what she guessed was Alfred's bedroom. She had taken the music box plate out of the Item Box, and also saved her progress while she was at it. Now, she just wanted to find out what was hidden in this mansion, and where the hell Alexia and Alfred went.
.....oh yeah, she wanted to escape too! ^^;;
To her surprise, Alfred bedroom looked *exactly* the same as Alexia's, except everything was in blue, not reddish pink. But hey, they were twins. XD
A small message card was placed on Alfred's nightstand; Claire picked it up and read the old words written in Rich Blonde Chick Cursive.
'My dear brotha, I really really think that the GLORY OF THE ASHFORD FAMILEH will be revived with your courage and strength...eheh, strength...*starts giggling insanely* Alfred! Strength! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! OMG THAT'S SO FRIGGIN FUNNEH!!!!
.........oops, sorry. ^^;;
Erm....anyway, I FIRMLY believe that the family will be revived with your courage, 'strength', and great manlynessness. Oh Alfred *snicker* you're a brave action hero all right. LOL!!!!!!!!
Keep getting carried away. ¬¬ You're an honored soldier. Yeah, right.
Yours faithfully, Alexia Ashford
P.S. And no I'm not sleeping with you, STOP ASKING ME!'
Claire raised an eyebrow. "Roooooiiiigggghhhtttt..." She put the card in her personal library and walked over to the music box. Placing the beetle object thing in the box of music caused it to MAGICALLY OPEN!!!!!
Claire covered her face and gasped in disgust in horror at the insides of the once living music box. Someone had taken out its insides! Trying not to hurl, Claire placed the bigass music box plate inside and the Ashford Family tune began to play. The top part of Alfred's bed lowered, and revealed an open hatch in the ceiling. And old rusted ladder led up to it.
"Wow......didn't see THAT comin! XD" Claire said as she hopped on the bed and climbed up the ladder.
Clink.
Clink.
Clink.
Clink.
Clink.
"DAMN THAT'S A SHORT LADDER!" Claire said as she climbed into an attic.
It was some sorta giant playroom! The trap door Claire climbed out of was in the middle of a miniature merry-go-round, meant for only two people.
Two LITTLE people.
"O_o Either this mansion is infested with joyful midgets, or Alfred and Alexia haven't road on this in a LONG time." She sighed. Marry-Go-Rounds scared the hell outta her. Since she was a little kid and it went so fast that it threw her off and into a tree, she had been emotionally scarred. Nervously, she jumped off the merry-go-round and looked around.
"Okey, look for keys, herbs, or really shiny medals..."
After searching the room thoroughly, she found a Dragon Fly Object on a chair, next to a green herb. She picked them up and examined the object.
"Hmmmmm..."
FLASHBACK!!!
Shows Alfred and Alexia pluck the wings off of the dragonfly and place it in the anthill. Then look at each other and passionately make out before the video ended.
UNFLASHBACK!!
Claire shuddered. And after 10 minutes of deep thought, she came to a conclusion that she had to pluck the wings off of the dragonfly and shove it down some ant's throat...
The painting of a giant ant with a convenient hole in the mouthpart told her she was correct.
"Ooooo...I'm sorry Mr. Dragonfly. But I need to get out of here. ;.;" Claire said as she slowly plucked the wings off.
"AAAAAHHHHH!!!! OH SON OF A BITCH THAT HURTS!!!!!" The dragonfly screamed, Claire sweatdropped and plucked the second wing off. "OOOOHHHH!! OOOOWWWW!!!!!"
"_ I'm sorry!" She said, she plucked the last two wings off and shoved the dragonfly down the ant's throat before it could continue its screams of AGONY!
"Mmmm...yummers!" the ant said. Some crunching sounds were heard, and suddenly the Ashford Tune played on the Merry-Go-Round, causing Claire to jump. She turned around and saw the Merry-Go-Round spin completely, its ladder ending up in a different place, the 2nd attic.
"Okey, I'm getting sick and tired of that song!" Claire said as she slowly walked up to the ladder, grasped onto the bars, and climbed up.
Clink again.
Clink again.
Clink again.
Clink again.
"O_o Man, this is one weird sounding ladder!"
Claire sweatdropped when suddenly her nose began to bleed! She was at the top, the very tiptop of the mansion at the very tiptop of the hill. And that's pretty damn high in the air!
Taking out one of her oh-so-wonderful tissues, she whipped her nose and looked around the room.
There was a desk.
A typewriter.
A crate.
A stepstool with a-WAIT A SECOND, A CRATE!!!!!!??????
Flames appeared in Claire's eyes as she licked her lips. She got an animal look on her face, and drool streamed down her lip.
"WHERE THERE IS A CRATE, I SHALL PUSH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Claire screamed into the air. She ran up to the crate and began to push in a random direction. "CRATE! MUST PUSH!!!!"
The crate hit the wall and Claire fell to her knees, gasping for breath.
"THE CRATE HAS BEEN PUSHED!!!!!" she shouted at the top of her lungs, dramatic music played in the background.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"That's it!" Carlos yelled. "Claire's gone insane!"
"Doy!" Billy said as he bopped Carlos over the forehead. Carlos reflex punched him in the face, causing him to fall to the floor. "OUCH!!!!!"
"HAT!!!!!"
"TATTOO!!!!!!!!"
"HAAAAAT!!!!!!"
"TAAAAAAAAAATTTTTOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"STOP FIGHTING!!!!" Sherry screamed at such a pitch that everyone in a four- mile radius heard her flesh-piercing cry. Everyone immediately shut up and looked at her. Tears formed in her eyes. "CANT YOU PEOPLE SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING!?"
"NO!"
";.; There's so much hate in this world!!!" She cried. "I think I'm gonna...I'm gonna..."
Leon rolled his eyes. "Oh boy...here she goes."
"WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Sherry started crying waterfalls, literally.
"NOW look what you did!" Rebecca said as she looked at Jill. "You made her cry!"
"I made her cry!? You started it!"
"I wouldn't of if you could keep the story straight!"
"Ah shut yer yappa! It was all your fault!"
Jill and Becky started cat fighting. Everyone sighed, except Billy, who was now unconscious on the floor.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Claire noticed something on the top shelf of the bookcase the crate was next to. She climbed on top of the crate and picked up the blue book. She flipped through the pages, it was written by Alfred...
'Confession Letter
Alexia, my sister is a genius and possesses unmatched beau-tity. Ever since she was born, people orgasmed at the site of her. She's my everything. You hear me? EVERYTHING!? I would overcome ANY obstical, ANY! I'd even eat chocolate cake without milk, just for her! For Alexia and her great beautiful...beauty, I shall revive the glorious Ashford Family, which fell during the era of my mother fucking father...wait...almost all fathers do that. Erm...anyway, together, as one, we shall restore the family name. Once that has been achieved, I shall build a BEAUTIFUL PALACE WHERE ONLY NOBLES SHALL ENTER!!!!!
I cannot allow the unwashed and non-blonde to see my beloved Alexia, to whom my LIFE is devoted to. She reins the world as queen, SHE SHALL COMMAND AND CONQUER YOU ALL!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! And I shall be her little pet that she'll keep in the yard. That is my dream, and how sweet and sexy it shall be! Mwee! Those accomplishments will be proof of my love towards Alexia! Mmyes! Alexia, my love! All those other peoples will be meaningless! And they shall prostitute themselves before Alexia and I! We shall live together forever!
Mmyes!!! Alexia and I! Together forever! Until death! No! Even AFTER death! TWO SOULS...MESHED TOGETHER...AS ONE!!!!! FOREVER DRIFTING IN THE ENDLESS ABYSS KNOWN ONLY AS THE AFTERLIFE!!!! UNTIL...THE FINAL...PASSIIIIIINNNNNGGGGG!!!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ahem, Devoted to my beloved goddess lady Alexia, Alfred "Alfy" Ashford'
"O_o;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;"
Claire slowly closed the book, dropped it to the floor, curled into a little ball, and screamed into her thighs.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Almost all the windows in the mansion and palace exploded.
Claire took a deep breath.
"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! !!!!!"
All the other windows in the mansion and the palace, exploded.
Claire took another deep breath.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!"
All the shards of glass on the floor exploded again.
Claire took another deep breath, deciding that she had broken enough glass, she got up and sighed.
"Okey, I need out...I swear, I hope that this adventure is almost-"
She cut herself off as she laid eyes on what was underneath the book. A bright, shiny medal.
The Air Force Proof!!!!!
"YAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!" Claire squealed as she grabbed it and kissed the proof passionately. "THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She hopped off the crate and started break dancing with joy. After doing this for five minutes, she finally got up and pocketed it. "FINALLY! I'm gonna get OUT OF HERE!!! YAY!!!!!!"
With a big grin, Claire turned around and noticed a piece of paper on the stepstool on the other end of the room. She ran up to it and picked it up, it was a pair of newspaper clippings.
'In today's news, a 10-year-old girl genius named Alexia Ashford graduated at the top of her class, from a really really really smart-personish college which shall be unnamed for legal reasons. The international corporation, Umbrella Chemical Inc. offered the position of head researcher. Yes, Umbrella is truly insane.
WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU UMBRELLA!? SHE'S FRIGGIN 10-YEARS-OLD!!!!! SHE CANT WORK WITH CHEMICALS!! YOU FOOL!!!!
Oh well, it's pretty neat though, ain't it?
This News Coverage brought to you by CNN. So HAHA NBC!! YOU SUCK!!! WE'VE GOT THIS STORY AND YOU DON'T!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!'
"Holy SHIT!" Claire yelled in awe. "Alexia graduated from college when she was TEN!? Hot DAMN! She's smart! And she's BLONDE too!!!" Claire dropped the newspapers and covered her mouth. "Oh well, she must be a dork. ^^"
With a chuckle, Claire picked up both the files and stored them in the pocket, then saved her game.
"Well..." she said. "Looks like it's time for me to get the hell outta this place! ^^"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The bike shot across the country road, a sign whizzed passed the duo. The words 'Nearest Town From Here: 50 Miles.'
Chris eyed the sign as it passed him by, well; at least he was getting closer to the nearest town. Hopefully he could somehow escape from Elza and find a ride to the island. Maybe there was a harbor nearby...
'Please forgive me Claire...' he thought.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Claire hopped off of the bed and walked across Alexia's bedroom. The merry- go-round spinning had caused the ladders bottom to reverse, so now she was in the female Ashford's room.
'Finally, to get out of this place...' she thought as she grasped the handle of the door.
Click!
Claire jumped when she heard the sound of a door open and someone cock a gun.
"Claire Redfield, hold it right there."
She spun around and stared into the eyes of Alexia, orgasming immediately at her sight. Alexia stood on the opposite end of the room, a sniper rifle in her hand, a big grin on her face. Trying to ignore the sticky feeling in her pants, Claire sweatdropped and stepped back.
"At last we meet." Alexia said. "At laust we meet, a piteh I have to say goodbai so soon. I am Alexia Ashford, and on behaulv of the Ashford Family, I shall KILL THEE!!!"
"ACK!" Claire screamed as she jumped to the floor, that very second Alexia fired; the bullet missed her by only a few inches. The biker chick hit the floor and turned around. "Oh crapcrapcrapitycrapcrap!!"
"MUAHAHAHA!" Alexia yelled as she reloaded the gun with a rich-blonde-chick fashion. She aimed the gun at Claire's head and took a step forward.
"No, wait!" Claire cried.
BAM!
"What the freak's going on!?" Steve asked as he kicked the door down and bust into the room. Both girls looked at him. Steve looked back at Claire, then at Alexia, also orgasming at the site of her beauty. This distracted Steve just long enough for her to move the gun up and aim at him.
"DIE FUCKER!!!!" Alexia screamed as she pulled the trigger.
BANG!!!!!
"AHHH!!" the boy cried as he fell to the floor clutching his arm. While he was falling he fired the machineguns rapidly, landing next to Claire.
After 20 seconds of firing the gun at Alexia, the bullets finally hit her. She let out a small shriek, spun around, and pushed through the Lady Smoking Pot Mural. Claire got up and looked at Steve.
"Steve!" She looked at the mural Alexia ran though. "A secret door!"
"A-after her!" Steve grumbled as he slowly got up. Claire looked at him again.
"Hey, you cleaned all that gel outta your hair!"
Steve grinned nervously; he now had his messy RECVX hair as opposed to his gelled RECV hair. "Yeah, you like?"
"^^ Yeah, I like it when boys look gay." She responded with a sincere smile. The boy sweatdropped and groaned in agony. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah..."
Claire and Steve looked at his arm, where Alexia shot him. Surprisingly, considering he was shot his arm didn't look half bad. In fact, it looked exactly the same as it did before!
"It's just a scratch."
Claire sweatdropped. "But I thought..."
"Nah, I'm okay." He said as he flashed his disturbingly white teeth once again. He looked at the secret door. "Come on!" With that, he ran though and into Alfred's bedroom, Claire followed.
Heartbeat...
Heartbeat...
Heartbeat....
Slightly annoyed by her insanely loud heart, the girl pushed through and into Alfred's room. Steve was already examining under the bed. Crimson red was allover the floor, and Alexia's dress was laid out on the mattress.
"Steve, what are you doing?"
Steve looked up at her. "Checking for monsters under the bed. ^_^"
Claire sweatdropped and looked around, how the hell did Alexia get undressed so fast? And now, where the heck WAS SHE!?
A blonde wig was laid out on the music box, looked like someone just threw it there...
Claire reached out for the wig. "This must be..."
"AAAAAIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!"
She spun around and jumped out of the way, just barely missing Alfred, who almost smashed the back of her head in with the butt of his sniper rifle. That very second, Steve seemed to move at supersonic speed and jumped in front of Alfred, kicking him in the gut. Alfred fell on his ass next to the wall; Steve pointed the duo sub-machine guns at him.
"Sit yo punk white ass down, bitch!" Steve screamed.
"Ooo, nice one Steve. ^_^" Claire said.
"^_^ Thanks." Steve said, they looked into each others eyes and corny love music started to play.
While this was happening, Alfred slowly stumbled upwards and turned around, looking directly into an extremely reflective mirror (which for some reason didn't explode yet). He looked into his reflection.
He was wearing makeup...
With a horrified look in his eyes, he put his hand to his face. "What!? No!!!"
"Wha?" Claire and Steve asked in unison.
"Alexia...It can't...WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Alfred covered his face and ran out of the room crying.
"Hmph, crybaby..." Claire muttered. "Not his fault he gets his ass kicked by a teen-"
"WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!!" Steve screamed, causing Claire to jump. "WHAT THE FREAK JUST HAPPENED!?"
"Well, first Alfy attacked me and then you kicked his ass and then-"
"No, I mean..." Steve pointed. "D-didn't you see that!? He was wearing makeup!"
Claire and Steve 'hmm'ed and got in a thinking pose.
10 Minutes Later...
"...GREAT SCOTT!!!!" Claire yelled as she snapped her fingers.
"What?"
"So there never WAS an Alexia after all!!"
"....what?"
"So there never WAS an Alexia after all!!"
".....eh?"
Claire sighed. "I mean, Alfred thinks he's Alexia, he DRESSES UP as her and pretends he's her, when there was really no Alexia at all!"
Steve gasped. "Y-you mean to tell me that...WE JUST ORGASMED AT THE SIGHT OF ALFRED!!!!!!?????"
Claire and Steve's eyes widened in horror.
"EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" They both grabbed their heads and screamed in agony.
"_ That's it! I can take mutated flesh eating zombies and monsters, BUT CROSS DRESSERS SCARE THE FRIGGIN HELL OUTTA ME!!!!!" Steve said as he turned to Claire. "Let's get the hell off of this island!"
"Right!"
Steve stepped forward two feet and that very SECOND some alarms started blaring, causing both of them to jump.
"Holy CRAP!" Steve yelled. "That freak! He activated the Self-Destruct System!!!"
Claire fell over. "GODDAMNIT WHY DO ALL OF UMBRELLA'S BASES HAVE SELF- DESTRUCT SYSTEMS!!!!!!!?????"
Steve sweatdropped. "I take it you've been to Umbrella Bases before..."
"He-ACK yeah!" Claire said. "Well, the good news is: If the Self-Destruct System's activated, that means the game's almost over."
"YAY!!!"
"Come on, let's get out of here!" She said.
"Right!"
With a nod, both of them ran out of the room...
^_^_^_^_^_^
JILL: July 23, 1998
Some corny horror music on a pipe organ played as it showed Jill, Barry, and Wesker enter the mansion...
JILL: We entered the mansion...
See? Told ya.
JILL: We were weak, conf00zled, and out of candy. Our rescue mission turned into a nightmare. Barry, Wesker and I made it into the mansion after we were attacked by a group of zombie dogs.
Jill: DAMN THAT WAS SCARY!
Barry: What is this place...?
Wesker: A mansion.
Jill and Barry: Oooooooaaaaahhhhh!
-"Wasn't Chris there too?" Rebecca asked-
JILL: Wait...yeah, he was!
Barry: *disappears and Chris pops up in his place*
Jill: Barry, where's Barry!?
JILL:....wait a sec; Barry was there too, wasn't he? I'm confused. X_x I remember only three of us were there...
They all heard gunshots!!!
All: *hear gunshots and turn to the door*
Wesker: What was that!?
Barry: *pops up in Chris's place* Chris?
Jill: No!
JILL: Chris was sent in, I was left with Wesker.
Wesker: *sticks a gun to Jill's head* Follow me!
Jill: O.O Wesker!? What are you-
Wesker: Shut up! Follow me into the nice pretty cell.
Jill: *points dramatically* Traitor!!!!!
Wesker: Whatever.
Later...
JILL: I was put in a cell...
Shows Jill sitting in a cell in the basement.
JILL:.....wait a sec, I was in the mansion! CHRIS was put in the cell!
Jill disappears and Chris appears in her place.
-"Wait a sec!" Becky said. "I met Chris in the mansion! That couldn't of happened!"-
JILL: X_x I'm conf00zled again! Arg!
Jill: *pops up back in the mansion foyer with Wesker and Barry*
Wesker: *sweatdrop* How did that happen!?
Barry: WHAT IS THIS PLACE!!!!??????
Jill and Wesker: A MANSION!!!!!
Barry: Oh...*hears gunshots again* MORE GUNSHOTS!!!!
Jill: *gasp*
Wesker: Chris?
Jill: No!...again!
Wesker: Jill, go and check it out again.
Jill: *sigh* Okey, Barry, follow me.
Barry: Why?
Jill: BECAUSE I DAMN SAID SO!
Barry: Okey okey! Calm down! *follows Jill into the next room*
Jill and Barry: *walk through the door 3 different ways and enter the dinning room*
Barry: What is this place!?
Jill: A dinning room...
Barry: Oh...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Jill, stop. You're messing everything up! All FOUR of you were in the foyer!" Rebecca yelled.
"SHUT UP REBECCA!!!!! I KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED AND YOU DON'T SO NYAA!!!" Jill screamed as she got up.
"LET ME TELL THE STORY! I CAN ACTUALLY REMEMBER THINGS BECAUSE I HAVE A SMART BRAIN AND I WENT TO COLLEGE SO I'M SMARTERER THAN YOU!" Rebecca yelled as she put up a loser sign.
"Aw shut up you friggin turd!" Jill said. "I'm the best! ME! I'm hotter than you, and I can FIGHT UNLIKE YOU!!!!"
Rebecca got up. "HEY! AT LEAST I DON'T FALL ON MY ASS EVERY TIME I'M SCARED!!!!"
Carlos, Billy, Sherry, and all the others sighed.
"WELL AT LEAST I DON'T GASP DRAMATICALLY WHENEVER I SEE SOMETHING MOVE!!!!"
"WELL...uh..." Rebecca moved her arm to show her tattoo. "WELL I HAVE A TATTOO SO I'M COOLER THAN YOU!"
"WELL!!!!" Jill pulled out her RE1 hat. "I HAVE A BETTER HAT!!!"
"TATTOO!!!!!!!"
"HAT!!!"
"TATTOO!!!!!!"
"HAT!!!!!!!!!"
"TATTOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"HAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Hey, can I tell the story?" Barry asked. Both girls looked at him, anger flaring in their eyes.
"NO!!!!!!!!!"
"Okey! ^^;;;;;;" Barry said.
"TATTOO!!!!!!!!" Rebecca screamed.
"HAT!!!!!!!!!" Jill yelled.
"T-A-T-T-O-O!!!!!!!" Rebecca screamed as she grabbed Jill's arms and shook her violently.
"H-A-T-E!!!!!" Jill screamed as she shoved Rebecca.
"Hat's spelled H-A-T stupidhead!" Rebecca said. "TATTOO!!!!"
"HAT!!!!!!!"
"TATTOO!!!!"
"HAT!!!!!!"
This went on for a few hours...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Chris sighed as he looked out across the large desert plain. The suns halfway down the horizon, and the whole place had a warm orangeish aura. He'd done nothing but sit around, hearing the annoying drone of the motorbike as various bugs of different shapes and sizes met their fate across his lightly colored skin. He could see the gun in the holster of Elza's belt, being a S.T.A.R.S. member; he was specially trained at doing kickass gun-grabbing moves. But he was afraid. Fear was the death bringer. Of all the monsters and zombies he'd encountered in the mansion incident not too long ago, insane blonde chicks brought more paralyzing fear shooting through his soul like an arrow..........of paralyzing fear!
Besides, she said she has a few gallons of pepper spray-all girls seemed to- and he was pretty sure she wouldn't be afraid to use it.
'Just grab the friggin gun and put it to her head, she wont be able to stop you and she'll be forced to surrender' the smart part of his brain told him.
'No.' the other 98% of his brain told him.
'Fair enough'
He sighed again, not surprised when he felt a rather large fly...fly right down his throat.
"Darn bugs..." he muttered as he gulped it down, the bug met its fate with all the others that flew down his stomach. They should have listened when their parents told them never to cross a country road, but they never listened. So they almost always met their sad fate against windshields, car bumpers, and Chris's throat. Once the wheels of justice began to turn, nothing could stop them...nothing...
O_o Why the hell am I talking about bugs...?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A stupid grin formed on Claire's face as she finally placed the piano roll in the piano. The Ashford Tune started to slowly play on the piano, and she wasn't very surprised when for no friggin reason at all the slot machine case opened.
"DANG WHY DO THEY RIG IT UP LIKE THAT!?" Claire screamed. "YOU HAVE TO PLAY THE PIANO TO GET THE MONEY OUT OF THE SLOT MACHINES!? DAMN THIS PLACE IS FRIGGIN MESSED UP I TELL YER!!!!"
"We know!" all the zombies mumbled. Claire sweatdropped and looked at the open part of the slot machine. An incredibly shiny blue ant object was inside, similar to the red one that still rested in Alexia's music box.
"O_o How the hell did someone cram THAT down the slot machine?" Shaking her head, she picked the item up and stored it in her incredibly large side pocket. "Well...*sigh* back to the residence of evil..."
Later...
The door swiftly (ooo...swiftness. ^^) closed behind Claire as she walked into the hall just outside the Ashford Twins bedrooms. She walked down the hall and entered what she guessed was Alfred's bedroom. She had taken the music box plate out of the Item Box, and also saved her progress while she was at it. Now, she just wanted to find out what was hidden in this mansion, and where the hell Alexia and Alfred went.
.....oh yeah, she wanted to escape too! ^^;;
To her surprise, Alfred bedroom looked *exactly* the same as Alexia's, except everything was in blue, not reddish pink. But hey, they were twins. XD
A small message card was placed on Alfred's nightstand; Claire picked it up and read the old words written in Rich Blonde Chick Cursive.
'My dear brotha, I really really think that the GLORY OF THE ASHFORD FAMILEH will be revived with your courage and strength...eheh, strength...*starts giggling insanely* Alfred! Strength! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! OMG THAT'S SO FRIGGIN FUNNEH!!!!
.........oops, sorry. ^^;;
Erm....anyway, I FIRMLY believe that the family will be revived with your courage, 'strength', and great manlynessness. Oh Alfred *snicker* you're a brave action hero all right. LOL!!!!!!!!
Keep getting carried away. ¬¬ You're an honored soldier. Yeah, right.
Yours faithfully, Alexia Ashford
P.S. And no I'm not sleeping with you, STOP ASKING ME!'
Claire raised an eyebrow. "Roooooiiiigggghhhtttt..." She put the card in her personal library and walked over to the music box. Placing the beetle object thing in the box of music caused it to MAGICALLY OPEN!!!!!
Claire covered her face and gasped in disgust in horror at the insides of the once living music box. Someone had taken out its insides! Trying not to hurl, Claire placed the bigass music box plate inside and the Ashford Family tune began to play. The top part of Alfred's bed lowered, and revealed an open hatch in the ceiling. And old rusted ladder led up to it.
"Wow......didn't see THAT comin! XD" Claire said as she hopped on the bed and climbed up the ladder.
Clink.
Clink.
Clink.
Clink.
Clink.
"DAMN THAT'S A SHORT LADDER!" Claire said as she climbed into an attic.
It was some sorta giant playroom! The trap door Claire climbed out of was in the middle of a miniature merry-go-round, meant for only two people.
Two LITTLE people.
"O_o Either this mansion is infested with joyful midgets, or Alfred and Alexia haven't road on this in a LONG time." She sighed. Marry-Go-Rounds scared the hell outta her. Since she was a little kid and it went so fast that it threw her off and into a tree, she had been emotionally scarred. Nervously, she jumped off the merry-go-round and looked around.
"Okey, look for keys, herbs, or really shiny medals..."
After searching the room thoroughly, she found a Dragon Fly Object on a chair, next to a green herb. She picked them up and examined the object.
"Hmmmmm..."
FLASHBACK!!!
Shows Alfred and Alexia pluck the wings off of the dragonfly and place it in the anthill. Then look at each other and passionately make out before the video ended.
UNFLASHBACK!!
Claire shuddered. And after 10 minutes of deep thought, she came to a conclusion that she had to pluck the wings off of the dragonfly and shove it down some ant's throat...
The painting of a giant ant with a convenient hole in the mouthpart told her she was correct.
"Ooooo...I'm sorry Mr. Dragonfly. But I need to get out of here. ;.;" Claire said as she slowly plucked the wings off.
"AAAAAHHHHH!!!! OH SON OF A BITCH THAT HURTS!!!!!" The dragonfly screamed, Claire sweatdropped and plucked the second wing off. "OOOOHHHH!! OOOOWWWW!!!!!"
"_ I'm sorry!" She said, she plucked the last two wings off and shoved the dragonfly down the ant's throat before it could continue its screams of AGONY!
"Mmmm...yummers!" the ant said. Some crunching sounds were heard, and suddenly the Ashford Tune played on the Merry-Go-Round, causing Claire to jump. She turned around and saw the Merry-Go-Round spin completely, its ladder ending up in a different place, the 2nd attic.
"Okey, I'm getting sick and tired of that song!" Claire said as she slowly walked up to the ladder, grasped onto the bars, and climbed up.
Clink again.
Clink again.
Clink again.
Clink again.
"O_o Man, this is one weird sounding ladder!"
Claire sweatdropped when suddenly her nose began to bleed! She was at the top, the very tiptop of the mansion at the very tiptop of the hill. And that's pretty damn high in the air!
Taking out one of her oh-so-wonderful tissues, she whipped her nose and looked around the room.
There was a desk.
A typewriter.
A crate.
A stepstool with a-WAIT A SECOND, A CRATE!!!!!!??????
Flames appeared in Claire's eyes as she licked her lips. She got an animal look on her face, and drool streamed down her lip.
"WHERE THERE IS A CRATE, I SHALL PUSH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Claire screamed into the air. She ran up to the crate and began to push in a random direction. "CRATE! MUST PUSH!!!!"
The crate hit the wall and Claire fell to her knees, gasping for breath.
"THE CRATE HAS BEEN PUSHED!!!!!" she shouted at the top of her lungs, dramatic music played in the background.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"That's it!" Carlos yelled. "Claire's gone insane!"
"Doy!" Billy said as he bopped Carlos over the forehead. Carlos reflex punched him in the face, causing him to fall to the floor. "OUCH!!!!!"
"HAT!!!!!"
"TATTOO!!!!!!!!"
"HAAAAAT!!!!!!"
"TAAAAAAAAAATTTTTOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"STOP FIGHTING!!!!" Sherry screamed at such a pitch that everyone in a four- mile radius heard her flesh-piercing cry. Everyone immediately shut up and looked at her. Tears formed in her eyes. "CANT YOU PEOPLE SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING!?"
"NO!"
";.; There's so much hate in this world!!!" She cried. "I think I'm gonna...I'm gonna..."
Leon rolled his eyes. "Oh boy...here she goes."
"WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Sherry started crying waterfalls, literally.
"NOW look what you did!" Rebecca said as she looked at Jill. "You made her cry!"
"I made her cry!? You started it!"
"I wouldn't of if you could keep the story straight!"
"Ah shut yer yappa! It was all your fault!"
Jill and Becky started cat fighting. Everyone sighed, except Billy, who was now unconscious on the floor.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Claire noticed something on the top shelf of the bookcase the crate was next to. She climbed on top of the crate and picked up the blue book. She flipped through the pages, it was written by Alfred...
'Confession Letter
Alexia, my sister is a genius and possesses unmatched beau-tity. Ever since she was born, people orgasmed at the site of her. She's my everything. You hear me? EVERYTHING!? I would overcome ANY obstical, ANY! I'd even eat chocolate cake without milk, just for her! For Alexia and her great beautiful...beauty, I shall revive the glorious Ashford Family, which fell during the era of my mother fucking father...wait...almost all fathers do that. Erm...anyway, together, as one, we shall restore the family name. Once that has been achieved, I shall build a BEAUTIFUL PALACE WHERE ONLY NOBLES SHALL ENTER!!!!!
I cannot allow the unwashed and non-blonde to see my beloved Alexia, to whom my LIFE is devoted to. She reins the world as queen, SHE SHALL COMMAND AND CONQUER YOU ALL!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! And I shall be her little pet that she'll keep in the yard. That is my dream, and how sweet and sexy it shall be! Mwee! Those accomplishments will be proof of my love towards Alexia! Mmyes! Alexia, my love! All those other peoples will be meaningless! And they shall prostitute themselves before Alexia and I! We shall live together forever!
Mmyes!!! Alexia and I! Together forever! Until death! No! Even AFTER death! TWO SOULS...MESHED TOGETHER...AS ONE!!!!! FOREVER DRIFTING IN THE ENDLESS ABYSS KNOWN ONLY AS THE AFTERLIFE!!!! UNTIL...THE FINAL...PASSIIIIIINNNNNGGGGG!!!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ahem, Devoted to my beloved goddess lady Alexia, Alfred "Alfy" Ashford'
"O_o;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;"
Claire slowly closed the book, dropped it to the floor, curled into a little ball, and screamed into her thighs.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Almost all the windows in the mansion and palace exploded.
Claire took a deep breath.
"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! !!!!!"
All the other windows in the mansion and the palace, exploded.
Claire took another deep breath.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!"
All the shards of glass on the floor exploded again.
Claire took another deep breath, deciding that she had broken enough glass, she got up and sighed.
"Okey, I need out...I swear, I hope that this adventure is almost-"
She cut herself off as she laid eyes on what was underneath the book. A bright, shiny medal.
The Air Force Proof!!!!!
"YAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!" Claire squealed as she grabbed it and kissed the proof passionately. "THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She hopped off the crate and started break dancing with joy. After doing this for five minutes, she finally got up and pocketed it. "FINALLY! I'm gonna get OUT OF HERE!!! YAY!!!!!!"
With a big grin, Claire turned around and noticed a piece of paper on the stepstool on the other end of the room. She ran up to it and picked it up, it was a pair of newspaper clippings.
'In today's news, a 10-year-old girl genius named Alexia Ashford graduated at the top of her class, from a really really really smart-personish college which shall be unnamed for legal reasons. The international corporation, Umbrella Chemical Inc. offered the position of head researcher. Yes, Umbrella is truly insane.
WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU UMBRELLA!? SHE'S FRIGGIN 10-YEARS-OLD!!!!! SHE CANT WORK WITH CHEMICALS!! YOU FOOL!!!!
Oh well, it's pretty neat though, ain't it?
This News Coverage brought to you by CNN. So HAHA NBC!! YOU SUCK!!! WE'VE GOT THIS STORY AND YOU DON'T!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!'
"Holy SHIT!" Claire yelled in awe. "Alexia graduated from college when she was TEN!? Hot DAMN! She's smart! And she's BLONDE too!!!" Claire dropped the newspapers and covered her mouth. "Oh well, she must be a dork. ^^"
With a chuckle, Claire picked up both the files and stored them in the pocket, then saved her game.
"Well..." she said. "Looks like it's time for me to get the hell outta this place! ^^"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The bike shot across the country road, a sign whizzed passed the duo. The words 'Nearest Town From Here: 50 Miles.'
Chris eyed the sign as it passed him by, well; at least he was getting closer to the nearest town. Hopefully he could somehow escape from Elza and find a ride to the island. Maybe there was a harbor nearby...
'Please forgive me Claire...' he thought.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Claire hopped off of the bed and walked across Alexia's bedroom. The merry- go-round spinning had caused the ladders bottom to reverse, so now she was in the female Ashford's room.
'Finally, to get out of this place...' she thought as she grasped the handle of the door.
Click!
Claire jumped when she heard the sound of a door open and someone cock a gun.
"Claire Redfield, hold it right there."
She spun around and stared into the eyes of Alexia, orgasming immediately at her sight. Alexia stood on the opposite end of the room, a sniper rifle in her hand, a big grin on her face. Trying to ignore the sticky feeling in her pants, Claire sweatdropped and stepped back.
"At last we meet." Alexia said. "At laust we meet, a piteh I have to say goodbai so soon. I am Alexia Ashford, and on behaulv of the Ashford Family, I shall KILL THEE!!!"
"ACK!" Claire screamed as she jumped to the floor, that very second Alexia fired; the bullet missed her by only a few inches. The biker chick hit the floor and turned around. "Oh crapcrapcrapitycrapcrap!!"
"MUAHAHAHA!" Alexia yelled as she reloaded the gun with a rich-blonde-chick fashion. She aimed the gun at Claire's head and took a step forward.
"No, wait!" Claire cried.
BAM!
"What the freak's going on!?" Steve asked as he kicked the door down and bust into the room. Both girls looked at him. Steve looked back at Claire, then at Alexia, also orgasming at the site of her beauty. This distracted Steve just long enough for her to move the gun up and aim at him.
"DIE FUCKER!!!!" Alexia screamed as she pulled the trigger.
BANG!!!!!
"AHHH!!" the boy cried as he fell to the floor clutching his arm. While he was falling he fired the machineguns rapidly, landing next to Claire.
After 20 seconds of firing the gun at Alexia, the bullets finally hit her. She let out a small shriek, spun around, and pushed through the Lady Smoking Pot Mural. Claire got up and looked at Steve.
"Steve!" She looked at the mural Alexia ran though. "A secret door!"
"A-after her!" Steve grumbled as he slowly got up. Claire looked at him again.
"Hey, you cleaned all that gel outta your hair!"
Steve grinned nervously; he now had his messy RECVX hair as opposed to his gelled RECV hair. "Yeah, you like?"
"^^ Yeah, I like it when boys look gay." She responded with a sincere smile. The boy sweatdropped and groaned in agony. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah..."
Claire and Steve looked at his arm, where Alexia shot him. Surprisingly, considering he was shot his arm didn't look half bad. In fact, it looked exactly the same as it did before!
"It's just a scratch."
Claire sweatdropped. "But I thought..."
"Nah, I'm okay." He said as he flashed his disturbingly white teeth once again. He looked at the secret door. "Come on!" With that, he ran though and into Alfred's bedroom, Claire followed.
Heartbeat...
Heartbeat...
Heartbeat....
Slightly annoyed by her insanely loud heart, the girl pushed through and into Alfred's room. Steve was already examining under the bed. Crimson red was allover the floor, and Alexia's dress was laid out on the mattress.
"Steve, what are you doing?"
Steve looked up at her. "Checking for monsters under the bed. ^_^"
Claire sweatdropped and looked around, how the hell did Alexia get undressed so fast? And now, where the heck WAS SHE!?
A blonde wig was laid out on the music box, looked like someone just threw it there...
Claire reached out for the wig. "This must be..."
"AAAAAIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!"
She spun around and jumped out of the way, just barely missing Alfred, who almost smashed the back of her head in with the butt of his sniper rifle. That very second, Steve seemed to move at supersonic speed and jumped in front of Alfred, kicking him in the gut. Alfred fell on his ass next to the wall; Steve pointed the duo sub-machine guns at him.
"Sit yo punk white ass down, bitch!" Steve screamed.
"Ooo, nice one Steve. ^_^" Claire said.
"^_^ Thanks." Steve said, they looked into each others eyes and corny love music started to play.
While this was happening, Alfred slowly stumbled upwards and turned around, looking directly into an extremely reflective mirror (which for some reason didn't explode yet). He looked into his reflection.
He was wearing makeup...
With a horrified look in his eyes, he put his hand to his face. "What!? No!!!"
"Wha?" Claire and Steve asked in unison.
"Alexia...It can't...WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Alfred covered his face and ran out of the room crying.
"Hmph, crybaby..." Claire muttered. "Not his fault he gets his ass kicked by a teen-"
"WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!!" Steve screamed, causing Claire to jump. "WHAT THE FREAK JUST HAPPENED!?"
"Well, first Alfy attacked me and then you kicked his ass and then-"
"No, I mean..." Steve pointed. "D-didn't you see that!? He was wearing makeup!"
Claire and Steve 'hmm'ed and got in a thinking pose.
10 Minutes Later...
"...GREAT SCOTT!!!!" Claire yelled as she snapped her fingers.
"What?"
"So there never WAS an Alexia after all!!"
"....what?"
"So there never WAS an Alexia after all!!"
".....eh?"
Claire sighed. "I mean, Alfred thinks he's Alexia, he DRESSES UP as her and pretends he's her, when there was really no Alexia at all!"
Steve gasped. "Y-you mean to tell me that...WE JUST ORGASMED AT THE SIGHT OF ALFRED!!!!!!?????"
Claire and Steve's eyes widened in horror.
"EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" They both grabbed their heads and screamed in agony.
"_ That's it! I can take mutated flesh eating zombies and monsters, BUT CROSS DRESSERS SCARE THE FRIGGIN HELL OUTTA ME!!!!!" Steve said as he turned to Claire. "Let's get the hell off of this island!"
"Right!"
Steve stepped forward two feet and that very SECOND some alarms started blaring, causing both of them to jump.
"Holy CRAP!" Steve yelled. "That freak! He activated the Self-Destruct System!!!"
Claire fell over. "GODDAMNIT WHY DO ALL OF UMBRELLA'S BASES HAVE SELF- DESTRUCT SYSTEMS!!!!!!!?????"
Steve sweatdropped. "I take it you've been to Umbrella Bases before..."
"He-ACK yeah!" Claire said. "Well, the good news is: If the Self-Destruct System's activated, that means the game's almost over."
"YAY!!!"
"Come on, let's get out of here!" She said.
"Right!"
With a nod, both of them ran out of the room...