My love is all that's coming home to you
Date began: 27th June, 2004 Date finished: 11th July, 2004 Disclaimer: the usual. Song credits go to Britney Spears, Vanessa Carlton, 3 Doors Down, Wendy Matthews and The Beatles. Dedication: For Ash, even though she'll never read it – I'm praying for you, for Loze, because we'll be friends forever and for the Nielsons cos I miss them so much.
They settled into bed early that night, after sharing some Chinese takeaway. Jo wasn't in the mood for talking much, and PJ wasn't sure how to make her feel better. He knew she was sad about discovering she wasn't actually pregnant, but she wasn't exactly opening up to him and telling him how she really felt. They sat on the double bed they shared, facing away from each other, both trying to gather the strength to get into bed after such a draining day. Jo's possible pregnancy had hit the two of them in a big way, and neither were handling it well. Jo became more and more devastated the more she thought about it, and PJ ached at the sight of the woman he loved feeling so sad. PJ turned slowly and looked at Jo's back, his eyes filling with tears when he saw her whole body trembling. Her shoulders hunched, her head down, she looked so small and defenceless, and PJ scooted over to sit beside her. Her cheeks were streaked with tears and forlornly she looked up and into PJ's dark eyes. He cupped her face in his hands and wiped away her tears with a gentle touch, but however hard he tried, he couldn't wipe away her sadness. "I was so excited Peej," Jo whispered and a fresh lot of tears cascaded down her cheeks as she spoke. "I know you were," he replied, hugging her little form to him. "So was I. But we'll get through this Jo, we will. We'll have a baby one day and we'll do it together." "I really want a baby PJ," she lifted her head and again looked into his eyes. PJ cradled Jo in his arms in an effort to console his beautiful girl. They quietly crawled under the covers, letting the warmth of the flannel sheets envelope them. It wasn't the flannel sheets that warmed the couple though, it was more the feeling of their arms around each other, desparate to never let go.
Jo worked miserably through her shift the next day, and, as she finished before PJ, she left work and came home to an empty, uninviting house. She sat down at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee and wrapped her hands around the steaming mug silently. The warm liquid ran through her system as she took a sip and stared listlessly out the window at the pouring ran that was falling over Mt Thomas. As Jo stared she thought about the child she almost had. She hadn't even been pregnant at all, yet she had been so excited at the prospect of sharing something with the man she loved. She had often thought there was something holding PJ back from committing himself fully to their relationship, and it didn't take a great stretch of the imagination to realise that that certain something was Maggie Doyle. Still, Jo knew PJ thought the world of her, and cared about her deeply, as she did him. Perhaps she had convinced herself that a baby was what they needed. Maybe it was what they needed and that's why she so badly wished that it hadn't been a false alarm. She just couldn't shake her feeling of devastation. It was only late afternoon, but she dragged herself from the kitchen table and into the bedroom where she slipped under the covers, trying to hide away from the world. Tears melted into her pillow as she grew angry at whatever had shattered her dream of starting a family with PJ. She hugged the pillows tightly, as there was nothing else to hold onto, and as she lay there, the room growing darker as time passed, she wished feverishly she had PJ by her side, to stroke her hair and wipe away her tears.
Everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby
PJ hadn't had the best day at work either, and knew Jo was still upset. She'd left the station the minute her shift had ended, only pausing for a second to give him a lifeless peck on the cheek in farewell. PJ knew it would take Jo a while to get over her false alarm, and he was certain that he needed to do something to show her how much she meant to him. He couldn't help but feel that Jo wanted more from him, but he wasn't sure he knew how to give it to her. He shuffled the papers on his desk in frustration and took a moment to stare at the photograph of Maggie he still had on his desk. He could never let Maggie go completely, and he knew it bothered Jo. She looked at the photo often as well, thinking how it would always be a three person relationship – Jo, PJ and Maggie. PJ rocked back in his chair and linked his hands behind his head, trying to clear the thoughts that were clouding his mind. He must've sat there for half an hour, the silence of the now empty station helping along his thinking. And suddenly he realised he wanted a baby just as much as Jo did.
It was still raining when PJ pulled up to the house. There were no lights on, and yet PJ knew Jo was home. He knew Jo so well it was almost scary, but he smiled at the thought of knowing her so well. He knew it meant she was the one. As he got out of the car something made him stop and for a moment he stood motionless in the pouring rain. He was struck by a thought of Maggie and how she had always loved the rain. She would sit by a window and watch it for hours lost in thought, and he had learnt to appreciate the rain as well because of her. As he walked up the footpath he felt the strongest urge to be with Jo. He was certain Maggie had made it rain that day, just so his emotions could be cleansed and he would be able to make the right decision. That decision that Jo played such an important role in. As he fumbled his way through the dark house he searched in vain for Jo. When he reached the bedroom he could feel her presence in the room, it didn't feel empty. He saw the dark figure huddled under the covers and made his way over to Jo, lying on the bed next to her, their faces just inches apart. He smiled lovingly at her, but his face became concerned when he realised she'd been crying. Jo was a telltale crier; she couldn't hide her puffy eyes and red cheeks. They always gave her away, no matter how much she tried to hide it. The sight of PJ at last beside her, she let go of the pillow she had been so fiercely holding onto and buried herself in his arms. Not much later, an exhausted Jo was asleep and PJ again had a chance to think things through. It didn't take him long to reach a startling realisation. He had to act now, or he may never get the chance.
The next day PJ and Jo arrived at work together, PJ protectively holding Jo's hand as they walked up the station driveway. Jo smiled at PJ as they walked, and squeezed his hand tightly. They hardly ever held hands, and it was something she'd always wanted to do. As they entered the station, they found Susie to be the only one already hard at work. The flushing of the toilet told them the Boss had just finished his usual morning sit down on the loo, and PJ smiled to himself as he led Jo into his office. "Something I can do for you detective?" Jo was smiling at last. She was feeling a whole lot better than she had the night before and she had a strange feeling inside of her that it was going to be a positive day. "Just wanted to tell you I love you," he smiled and kissed her firmly on the lips. Jo beamed back at him and left his office with a spring in her step, making her way to the little kitchen area, where she began unscrewing the lid of the coffee jar as Susie made her way over to Jo with a serious look on her face. "Hey Sus," Jo smiled. "Coffee?" she offered, holding up the jar. Susie shook her head. "Jo..." she began, not sure how to say what she wanted to. "Yeah?" Jo was in such a good mood she didn't detect the caution in Susie's voice. "I was thinking..." she tried again, taking a deep breath. "One of my friends...she thought she had a false alarm too...but she took a test anyway, and it turned out positive." "What?" Jo put down the jar of coffee. She looked intensely at her colleague. "I think you should take a test anyway, just to be really sure, cos, I mean, you just never know," Susie wasn't sure how Jo would react to her poking her nose in. "Do you think?" Jo asked, hope evident in her voice. "Just to be sure Jo," Susie took Jo's hand. "I stopped by the chemist this morning and got one for you." "Really?" Jo was touched by the thoughtful and caring gesture of her friend. "I guess I better go and do it then," Jo felt a surge of energy. Susie could be right, she thought. Maybe my false alarm was a false alarm. Together they walked quickly to the locker room where Susie took the pregnancy test out of her bag and handed it to Jo. "Do you want me to come with you?" Susie asked, tentatively. Jo nodded, tears suddenly starting to spring to her eyes. "Could you just wait in the bathroom with me?" the moment had come and Jo was suddenly frightened. "Of course Jo," Susie hugged her and they made their way to the female toilets at the back of the station.
It was an agonising wait - those little lines were taking forever to come up. Jo sat on the closed toilet and held the test in her shaking hands. She began to convince herself that it would be negative, just so that she wouldn't come crashing back down to earth quite so hard this time. After a few minutes, Susie knocked on the door. "Are you ok? Have the results come up yet?" she asked quietly, and Jo was just about to answer that they hadn't when at last they did. She stood up slowly from where she had been seated and opened the toilet door a crack, looking shocked at Susie. When Susie smiled back cautiously, Jo opened the door fully and held up the test for Susie to see with her own eyes. Jo wasn't sure if she'd seen correctly, and needed someone else to tell her that the test did in fact prove she was pregnant. "It's positive Jo," Susie whispered looking deep into her colleagues eyes. Jo nodded in response, still overcome by the shock. Susie put a hand to her shoulder. "Are you ok?" "Yes...yes, yes I'm fine," Jo was fumbling her words, but as she looked again at the test a smile crept onto her face. "Well go and tell PJ," Susie laughed, pushing her in the direction of the door. Jo bolted out of the bathroom and raced down the hall before bursting through PJ's door, scaring the life out of him and causing him to drop the phone. He sprang up from his chair, his eyes wide with surprise. Jo just stood in front of his desk, the pregnancy test dangling from her fingertips. Without a word, she held it up for him to see. "Is that what I think it is?" PJ asked, in his usual detective way. "It sure is," Jo beamed. "It's positive," she paused for a second, needing to know how PJ felt. "What do you think?" "What do I think?" he asked. "About us having a baby," Jo was scared. "Are we ready? Do you want to be a Dad?" "Absolutely," PJ beamed at Jo and she threw her arms around him. "I love you," she cried. PJ's face broke into a smile of equal wattage to Jo's. He picked her up and spun her round, giving a little yelp of joy. His arms around her, he pulled her in for a passionate kiss, and they then stared into each others eyes, not able to get the smiles off their faces.
Late that afternoon PJ and Jo had at last finished their shifts, their heads having been in the clouds ever since Jo's fantastic news. PJ could not keep his hands off Jo, and every now and then he would just stare at her, sitting at her desk, making coffee, driving the patrol car. Everytime he did, she would look up, smile, and try to resist the temptation to jump up and fling her arms around him again. More often than not, the temptation was simply too great, and the two would escape into PJ's office for a few minutes to themselves. As they drove home, Jo was bubbling over with excitement, throwing words out of her mouth like they tasted bad. She was talking so fast, her mouth moving a hundred miles a minute that PJ could barely get a word in. Finally, as he settled the car in the driveway, and pulled at the hand break, he pulled Jo's face toward him and silenced her with a kiss. She smiled the sweetest smile PJ had ever seen escape from her lips, and he got out and opened the passenger door for her, acting every bit the gentleman. Jo whipped her knees around to the open door and wrapped her legs around PJ, pulling him to her. He gave her a wicked smile, and lifted her up and out of the car, despite the fact she was perfectly capable of walking herself. They stood by the driveways edge, unable to keep their lips apart, and the fire fuelled between them quickly. Once they made it into the house though they shared the desire just to lay together, enjoying every moment they shared. The rain belted down outside as they lay together on their bed, their arms and legs entangled around each other, and PJ couldn't held but think Maggie was at work again up in heaven today. The rain never made PJ feel sad or depressed, as it did most people, because it always made him think of Mags and how much she had loved it. In the past couple of days, the rain had also made him think constantly of Jo, although it didn't need to be raining for him to be thinking of the woman he loved. "I can't believe we're going to have a baby PJ," Jo whispered, getting teary for about the tenth time that day. "It's what I've always wanted," she held PJ's hand tightly in her own. "Me too baby, me too," PJ replied, smiling at her and kissing the crease of her neck as they lay on top of the doona contently, their work clothes still on. They didn't feel the need to even move, they were so happy exactly where they were, and not even the R.M Williams Jo had to wear, or the thick leather jacket PJ always wore made them feel uncomfortable as they laid there. They lay there for more than an hour, whispering into each others ears and kissing tenderly. Soon though, hunger took over and the two changed into more comfortable attire and wandered into the kitchen, their arms still woven and their fingers laced together as they held hands. Jo felt the most incredible connection to PJ and she could not resist roaming her hands all over his soft dark skin and staring deeply into his soulful eyes any chance she got. PJ loved the sudden passionate feelings that were running through Jo, and couldn't help but laugh when she didn't even take her own seat at the kitchen table when they had prepared some quick pasta and sauce for their evening meal. She stood beside PJ as he sat down and then plopped her own light frame onto his lap, and together they shared a 'close' meal.
Later they lay in bed together, discussing the future and their unborn child. The excitement of the day meant the two of them fell asleep quickly in each other arms, but not before Jo murmured into the darkness. "I love you Patrick Joseph Hasham," she whispered, shuffling closer into his arms. She looked up to him and smiled, before placing her lips delicately on his own. He cradled her face in his hands and at last managed to say what he'd been wanting to say for 2 days. "I'm so glad we're having a baby Jo," he said as he stroked her cheek. "I can't wait to share this with you. But to make it even better, I want us to be together forever." Jo smiled in a silent response, an excited feeling stirring in her stomach. She had a feeling she knew what PJ was about to say. "Will you marry me?" he whispered, looking deep into her eyes and clutching her hand. Jo looked up into PJ's eyes and smiled again. "That's very sweet and old fashioned of you," she answered. "Well I'm that kinda guy," he smiled. "So will you?" "My answer is, of course...yes," Jo replied and their lips connected in a passionate kiss that was full of life. The two settled into each others arms and talked about their future together. "I've always wanted to be a Mum," Jo whispered. "You're going to be a great Mum Jo. Little Patrick Joseph is going to be well cared for," PJ said cheekily. "What makes you think it's going to be a boy?" Jo laughed. "I have a feeling..." he smiled, mysteriously. "Well I think that Emily Georgia Parrish Hasham is going to be the apple of her fathers eye," Jo hugged PJ to her tightly.
PJ always knew Jo was stubborn, but he had little idea of the extent of her stubbornness until she was three months into her pregnancy while Jo always knew PJ was a worry wart and would give his life to protect her, but she didn't realise just how much until she was a third of the way through her pregnancy. Jo had a passion for the job, and was determined to stay operational as long as was humanly possible, despite the pleas from her colleagues and most of all, from PJ. He had a terrible habit of always thinking of Jo before he thought of the job at hand, and it constantly annoyed Jo. It wasn't the Boss's favourite thing either. It seemed to Tom like his best detective was letting his pending fatherhood go to his head. His protection of Jo was clouding his judgement in a big way. On a rainy Thursday afternoon Tom pulled Jo aside as she was just walking out the door at the end of her shift. "How are you feeling?" he asked as she sat across from him in his office. "Good," Jo answered suspiciously. "Well for that I'm glad, but I need to be frank with you here Parrish," Tom ran his hands through his greying hair. "What is it?" Jo had a bad feeling it was going to be to do with her going non-operational. "When was it that you were thinking of taking your maternity leave?" he broached the subject carefully to his senior constable, trying to not step on any tender toes. "Boss!" Jo screeched in exasperation. "I'm only twelve weeks! Surely I can still stay on the job for a little bit longer!" Jo could feel her passionate police side coming through in her words. "It's not that Parrish," Tom tried to reassure her. "It's your fiancée I'm worried about. I have no doubt you can do your job well, and knowing you, you'll do it well for as long as you can get away with. But PJ...haven't you noticed he's been a bit...off lately?" Jo wiggled in her seat. "I was hoping it was just me who'd noticed that," she answered uncomfortably. "Well, I'm afraid not Parrish, and I have to tell you, it's nothing new to me," he looked at her knowingly. "It's precisely the reason I don't encourage fraternising between the troops. And, on a sourer note..." Tom hesitated looking worriedly at Jo. "He used to do exactly the same thing with Maggie." Jo nodded, already having realised that fact. The people in PJ's life were so important to him, and he was always so scared of losing them, that he wrapped them in cotton wool. It was in his nature. She smiled a sad smile at Tom. "Yeah I know," she sighed. "He's just worried about me, I know. That's all it is, but I'll have a word to him, try and talk some sense into him," she stood up to leave and turned around to face the Boss as she was about to leave his office. "Thanks," she smiled. "Just look after yourself Parrish," Tom returned the gentle smile.
A little later Jo walked through the door of the house she and PJ shared. By the phone there was a note from PJ saying he would be home at 6pm. With a sigh Jo wandered over to the fridge to cure her cravings. She had the weirdest desire for some strawberries and cheese. She laughed to herself as she searched the fridge, and then at last found what she was looking for. Sitting comfortably on the couch, she munched on her snack thoughtfully, pondering how she would break the tender subject to PJ. She knew he might not take it too well, and just try to reassure her he was just trying to protect her and keep her and the baby safe. With the baby on her mind, Jo put her hand to her stomach feeling the small bump there. It wasn't very big yet, and even though she wanted to remain on duty for as long as she could, she also couldn't wait to have the big bump, because then she would feel 'truly' pregnant. At the moment she just felt overweight. After a while of sitting staring into space Jo picked up a book of PJ's that was resting on the coffee table. Flicking through she became enticed and read solidly for an hour and almost shot through the ceiling when PJ walked through the front door suddenly. "Peej!" she cried. "You scared me!" she got up from the couch to wrap her arms around the man she loved. PJ kissed the top of her head and then pulled her chin up to meet his lips where they shared a passionate kiss. He then walked into the kitchen to grab a coffee while Jo waited for him back on the couch. When he came back and sat next to her she reached for his hand, squeezing it tightly. Her engagement ring glittered away as Jo stared down at it, trying to gather the courage to say what PJ needed to hear. "Peej," she began, still unsure of how to broach the subject to him. "I had a little talk with the Boss this afternoon..." PJ nodded, letting Jo get out what she needed to. "He's noticed what I've noticed Peej," she looked into his eyes sadly. PJ looked back at her, obviously not catching on. "On the job, you're preoccupied, you're always thinking about my welfare, I can tell," she squeezed his hand again, smiling slightly. "Jo..." PJ began. "I know - you're just trying to protect me right?" she kissed his lips quickly. "It's ok you know, I'm not going to break. I'll be ok," she smiled. "It's just...anything could happen Jo, and I don't want to lose you...like...like I lost...," PJ smiled, embarrassed at his fiancée and his thoughts of his past love. "You're right, I am just trying to protect you. I'm trying to not let it get in the way, but I guess it's not really happening," he smiled again, that sad glint still evident in his eye. Jo leant against him. They sat silently together for a while, lost in their own thoughts. Suddenly Jo felt an urge to speak. To speak about something that wasn't often spoken about. "Do you still think about Maggie?" she asked, rather bluntly. She turned around to look at him. PJ's brow creased, and he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, as if searching for the right answer, perhaps the answer Jo wanted to hear. One that would put her heart at ease. But he couldn't lie to her. "Everyday," he whispered in reply, as he felt the hot sting of tears in his eyes. He knew he shouldn't be, but he was ashamed to look Jo in the eye. He knew she cared deeply about him – they were engaged to be married after all, and she wouldn't have said yes to his proposal if she didn't really mean it. But the truth was, he still thought of Maggie every waking moment. Every ounce of his body missed her, and he was terrified it would strain the relationship he shared with Jo. She smiled sadly, understanding how he felt without him having to fully explain. But something nagged at her brain. She hurled herself up from the couch and padded barefoot into the kitchen. When she got there, she leant against the bench top after turning on the kettle. She closed her eyes and thought for a moment, her arms folded across her chest. She didn't feel angry, but as she stood silently, she could feel something bubbling up inside her. Whether it was anger or sadness, she had little idea. A minute later, PJ entered the kitchen, concern etched on his face. He knew Jo walked away from things when she was upset. And she'd done precisely that, without a word, when he'd just revealed his innermost feelings about Maggie to her face. He leant against the bench next to her also, and she busied herself silently by dropping teaspoons of coffee into two mugs, avoiding his eyes. At that moment she didn't know what to say. As she walked over to the fridge to retrieve a carton of milk, the words suddenly came to her and her feelings boiled over. She was surprised to hear her voice laced with anger and accusation. PJ reeled back also and his brow remained creased. "You're never going to be over her are you?" she whispered harshly, her hands up against the cold metal of the fridge door handle. "Jo..." PJ's eyes again stung with tears. "I love her...I loved her. But it's you I want to be with now," he stared at her with blank eyes. "So you deny it?" she asked. PJ could do nothing but shake his head. Sorrowfully, he filled his coffee cup with the now boiled water, left it without milk and walked out onto the back verandah to get some of the clear night air into his lungs. Tears streamed down Jo's face. She was devastated. Her fiancée had just admitted that he still loved another woman. Yet there she was, engaged to him, living with him and carrying his child. She was at a loose end. Things weren't fitting together. They weren't the way she'd imagined they would be. She deserted her cup of coffee, now steaming in its mug on the bench, and almost ran into the bedroom she shared with PJ. She grabbed a bag out of the closet and threw in some clothes, as well as a clean uniform for work. As she zipped up the bag she stopped and gazed at her engagement ring as it sparkled on her finger. God, it was beautiful. The day she and PJ had picked it out and he'd placed it on her finger she was on top of the world. She and Susie had talked about it that night at the pub, how gorgeous it was, how lucky she was, and what marriage meant. Susie knew the details; she'd been married once, and couldn't help but get caught up in the happiness of Jo's engagement. Jo was angry at PJ, but she couldn't tear the ring from her finger. It wasn't because she was greedy and just liked the look of a glittering diamond on her hand. No, it was because it was what she and PJ shared. Yes he'd just admitted he still loved Maggie, but he'd taken the step and proposed to Jo, and shown her his love by placing the ring upon her finger. They were bound by the ring, it meant they were going to share their lives together, and this was something Jo ached for. She wanted so badly to spend the rest of her life with PJ. And so she kept the ring on her finger. She left the house and hopped awkwardly into her car. Even though she was only 12 weeks pregnant, she could feel herself getting a little weaker, losing the strength she was so proud to possess as a result of such rigorous police training. She didn't mind too much, because it meant she was going to have a baby at last. It was something she wanted with PJ.
Hey, there's not a cloud in sight
It's as blue as your blue goodbye, and I thought that it would rain
the day you went away.
At every thought of PJ, she felt like her heart broke a little bit more. It hurt so much, and the tears continued to cascade down her cheeks as she drove towards the station. She wiped them away with the sleeve of her blue woollen jumper as she parked around the back of the station, slamming the drivers' door. It gave a satisfying thump as it closed, and so satisfying was it, and so down did Jo feel, that she was tempted to open the door and slam it again, but she held herself back. She jogged through the drizzle of rain that was falling over Mt Thomas and approached Susie's verandah at the watch house. She knocked hard and fast three times. Susie opened the door quickly, her face giving away the shock she felt at seeing Jo at her doorstep at such an hour. Jo just stared at her with sad eyes, and without a word, Susie reached down, took Jo's limp hand, and guided her inside towards the couch. "Jo," Susie whispered, still holding her hand. "Did something happen?" "He still loves her," she replied in just as hushed tone. "He still loves Maggie. I'm playing second fiddle here Sus. And I don't want to," she tried to wipe the tears away with her own fingers, but they were too much. There were too many. Feeling her warm, salty tears on her fingertips made Jo realise she was crying. That she was crying over the drastic wrong turn her life had just taken. She flopped back against the couch, curling up into a ball and staring helplessly at Susie, willing her to give her some advice. Susie racked her brains for a worthy piece of advice to aid her friend. But no matter how much she turned it over in her mind, she kept returning to one conclusion, and she knew it wasn't what Jo would want to hear. "PJ loves you Jo," she said to her colleague. "He loves you more than anything." "He doesn't love me more than he loves Maggie," Jo replied angrily. Susie knew then that Jo would have an answer to anything she tried to say. Jo got up, her cheeks red in anger and turned to Susie. "Is it all right if I stay here tonight?" she asked. "Sure..." Susie began, getting up also. "I'm sorry to be a burden," Jo said apologetically, returning to her usual soft nature for a fleeting moment. It didn't take her long to return to the angry Jo she was when she walked through Susie's door though. "I just can't be with PJ right now. I just can't." Susie nodded, understanding. She led Jo to her bedroom, where there was a foldout couch, ready for just such a visit from a friend in need. She left the room to find some fresh sheets and a blanket for Jo, and when she returned she found Jo sitting on the floor, crumpled, her head buried in her arms, her shoulders heaving up and down. Susie bent down and sat beside her friend. She hugged a sobbing Jo, and said not a word. After several minutes, Jo looked up. "I...I always thought that having a broken heart was just an expression. Just a saying...but I can feel it. Everytime I think about him, it feels like my heart is breaking. It really does," Jo looked forlornly at her friend for a moment and then stretched out her hand in front of her, and stared at her engagement ring. It was the only hope Jo had left. The promise the ring held was the only thing encouraging her to hold on. To hold on for PJ.
Jo and Susie sat up late into the night, talking in the darkness. Susie opened up to Jo, sharing with her the memories she had of Brad and their marriage. Although Susie's sadness was the last thing Jo wanted to deal with, Jo listened and nodded in all the right places. A part of her felt ashamed for only half listening to Susie's whispers, but Jo was simply too caught up in her sadness. She couldn't stop thinking of PJ and it felt like a lead weight pressing against her heart. Her tears still fell slowly from her sore red eyes as she heard Susie talking somewhere in the back of her mind, but heard PJ's voice at the front of her head, saying over and over how he still loved Maggie. Jo pushed her face into the pillow to muffle her quiet sobs. Susie stopped talking for a minute and sat up in the darkness, looking across the room at Jo. "Are you ok Jo?" she whispered. Jo remained still, pretending she was asleep and hadn't heard Susie's question. Susie called out once more, then fell for Jo's trick. She turned over, burrowing under the covers, and was soon asleep. But Jo stayed awake most of the night, tossing and turning, trying to get in a comfortable position in the uncomfortable fold out bed. Jo was reminded of the nights leading up to an awful Christmas, a year or two ago. That was another time PJ had told her he didn't love her. Every night after that dark day in his office her bed had felt uncomfortable. Just like this one.
I'm here without you baby, but your still on my lonely mind I think about you baby, and I dream about you all the time I'm here without you baby, but your still with me in my dreams
Facing the wall, she touched her engagement ring delicately with her other fingers. She still badly wanted this engagement to work, the marriage to be successful. But she had too much pride to pay second fiddle to a dead woman. Her heart ached as she wished PJ could rid himself of the feelings he had for Maggie. She knew that was a horrible thing to wish he could do, but she loved him so much, and couldn't bear the thought of not being with him the rest of her life. Little did Jo know PJ was laying in their bed at home, the space beside him hauntingly empty, thinking exactly the same thing.
The next morning Jo woke before Susie and dressed quickly. She headed over to the station without breakfast – she had no appetite. To her disappointment PJ was already at the station, the door of his office open just a crack – just enough for him to see if anyone came into the station. Anyone like...Jo. Jo tiptoed past, walking quickly to the locker room, hoping he wouldn't see or hear her. She wasn't ready to talk to him yet, no matter how much her body ached to hear his voice again. As she closed the locker room door softly and headed to the locker labelled 'Parrish', she felt an odd sensation in her stomach. Like a bolt of electricity wrapping around her tiny bump. She froze and her hand went to her stomach and then, like a little footballer, she felt their child give its first whopping kick. Jo was overjoyed, but at that moment it was the last thing she could handle. She had thought she could handle the day, work civilly with PJ, but on the verge of tears, she realised she couldn't. Taking a deep breath, she took the stuff out of her locker that she'd just put in there and walked back outside, not caring how much noise she made and if PJ noticed her or not. The baby kicked on in protest, as if trying to convince her to talk to him, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. The tears streamed down her face as she walked toward the back of the station, back towards Susie's. She saw Susie coming out of the watch house as she approached. "Jo!" Susie said, pulling the door closed behind her and looking her friend truthfully in the eye. "I wondered where you were," she put a friendly hand on Jo's shoulder, willing the truth out of her. "Tell Ben I'm not coming in today. Compassionate leave," she shrugged off Susie's hand. She breezed past her and into the watch house where she gathered the few possessions she had bought over the night before. With the slam of a door inside the watch house, Susie thought it best if she didn't follow Jo and persist with the questions. With a sigh she took herself off to the station and dreaded telling Ben the news the whole way.
Jo cried as she sat back on the fold out bed in Susie's room. Her hand at her stomach, Jo cried because the baby's first kick was something the parents should share together. PJ should've shared it with her, and they shouldn't have been apart. But Jo didn't know what to say to PJ. Less than five minutes later, Ben was at the watch house door, ignoring Susie's pleas to leave Jo alone. He banged on the polished wood of the heavy door and called out for Jo to answer. In the bedroom Jo wiped away her tears and grabbed her bag quickly, heading for the door. Opening it, she spoke frostily. "Go away Ben," she walked steadily past him. Ben followed her down the footpath and to her car. "What are you doing Jo?" he asked, concerned, and wounded at Jo's harsh words. "Just go away," she cried, buckling her seat belt and reaching for the door handle to pull the door closed. "No Jo, I won't," he held a strong arm against the door – a force that was stronger than Jo. "PJ didn't leave your bedroom all last night. What happened? I want to help." "Just leave me alone, you're interfering," she said through gritted teeth, the tears pooling in her eyes once more, and with that she yanked at the door with all her strength, and sped down the driveway, leaving Ben standing in the middle, watching her drive away.
At first Jo didn't know where to go, and this resulted in her driving around Mt Thomas for more than an hour. Finally though, she pulled into the driveway of the house she shared with PJ and Ben. Getting out she once again gathered her bag in her arms and entered the silent house. The house smelt of PJ – a mixture of mens deodorant and leather. The smell of PJ's familiar leather jackets always made her smile, and to her surprise it still did when she opened the bedroom door and saw one of the jackets sway from the hook it was hanging from on the back of the door. She fingered the material gently, lovingly and yet again ached for PJ. She walked over to the bed and plopped herself down sadly. Thinking further, she laid down on the pillow and closed her eyes, wishing this were all a nightmare. Hoping it was all just a nightmare. A creak sounded throughout the house as someone made their way to the bedroom where Jo lay. She knew it was PJ, but she didn't open her eyes. She couldn't gather the strength to. She waited for him to lay himself down next to her. After several minutes she still didn't feel the familiar weight of his body at her side and she at last opened her eyes, searching for him. He stood tentatively at the door, afraid to enter, like a child hiding away when they know they've done something wrong. He stared at her and she stared right back, not blinking or moving. She could tell he wanted to move closer, but his eyes gave away that he wasn't sure he could reach inside himself and do just that. Finally, he did though, and stood at Jo's feet, holding onto the beds end. "I know that you know what I want to say," he whispered. Jo nodded, she did know. But she wanted to hear it. "But you want to hear it don't you?" PJ read her mind, he rubbed his forehead. He looked like a man with the weight of the world on his shoulders. And it showed in his pained expression and sad eyes. "I love you Jo," he held in his tears. "I love you so much it hurts, and I feel like I might just die if I can't spend the rest of my life with you." He looked honestly at her. "Yes I loved Maggie, and there will always be a little place for her in my heart. But it's you I love now. I know you think of yourself as second best – that I love you just because Mags isn't here, but that's not true," he sighed again. "I need you Jo," he knelt down on the floor beside where she was lying. Touching her cheek he spoke again. "I love you with every part of my body, I honestly do..." he broke down beside her. He was more terrified than he had been in his whole life that he was going to lose her for good.
If I could fall into the sky Do you think time would pass me by Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles If I could just see you... tonight.
Jo couldn't tear her eyes away from PJ's distraught face. He was shattered. His hand dropped away from her cheek and fell lifeless onto the bedspread when she didn't respond. But slowly, gently, Jo took hold of PJ's trembling hand. He looked up at her with the faintest glimmer of hope in his eyes. It was so faint that she almost backed out of what she was going to say. But the warmth of their hands together spurred her on, and she remembered for a fleeting moment how much she loved it when they held hands. "You can't imagine how much it hurts to be away from you PJ," Jo cried quietly, her tears falling onto his hand. "I want us to be together, married, happy. And I know now that I can't ever possibly ask you to stop loving Maggie, because after last night, when I had a chance to think, I realised how hard this must be for you. You loved her so much," Jo smiled. PJ nodded sadly, ashamed. But Jo propped up his chin. "But I know how much you love me too. You don't even have to say it. I just know," she smiled again, the tears at last drying on her cheeks, leaving salty trails down her face. "And I still want to spend the rest of my life with you." A smile finally crept onto PJ's face. He smiled up at Jo, his eyes blinking in relief. She at last understood. She just needed to realise how much he loved her and then she would know that she wasn't playing second fiddle to anyone. He gripped her hand tighter, adjusting the engagement ring that was still on her finger. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you too," he kissed her delicately on the lips. "I can't wait for the day when you're my wife."
Everyday PJ knew Jo he loved her more. She glowed as she progressed through her pregnancy and as each day passed, PJ realised more and more how much he loved to see the sight of her smiling. Whether it be in the station, in the car or when they were laying in each others arms at night time, together. Their love for each other grew everyday, although sometimes Jo felt that just wasn't possible. Nobody understood how much she loved PJ, and nobody understood how much PJ loved her. Their connection was incredible, and PJ held onto Jo with everything he had after almost losing her. Their wedding day was almost upon them and neither could be more excited. The preparations were in their final stages and the time was right. Jo knew it was going to be the wedding of her dreams, and it would seal her love for PJ finally. It was Jo's last day on active duty. She wandered around the station listlessly during her final hour. Tears came to her eyes as she realised she wasn't going to be part of this team for at least a year, and she missed it already. She knew she was just being silly though, and wiped away her tears quickly, hoping none of her colleagues would notice. But Jonesy, her big little brother, caught the sad look on his mates face. He followed her to the kitchen area and put his arm around her shoulders protectively. He smiled down at her, and watched her spoon coffee into a mug with trembling hands. "You won't get rid of us Jo," he said to her, smiling. "Is that why you're sad? Cos you're leaving?" She nodded. "I know I'm coming back Jonesy," she began. "And I am excited about having a baby. But I almost can't bear to leave you guys. Everyone in this station and PJ are my whole life." "Don't worry Jo," Jonesy reassured her. "You're going to see us everyday, and plus, you're going to be a Mum! I know you can't wait." Jonesy was always so good at giving advice. He was always there with a hug and a kiss, plus a nice big shoulder to cry on and just enough comforting words that always made you feel better. Jo hugged him tight, reaching her hands all the way around his waist and he kissed the top of her head.
As the clock struck five Jo stood in the middle of the station, turning slowly on the spot, trying to absorb everything in for the last time while she was still in her uniform. A lone tear slid down her face, and she didn't bother to wipe it away this time as there was no one there to see it slip down her cheek. She was just about to turn around and walk out of the station when each and every single on of her colleagues appeared from various areas of the station, surprising her. Jo stared in shock as her colleagues each gathered round her with smiles plastered all over their faces – she had thought she was alone, but obviously not. Jonesy put an arm around her again and Susie squeezed her hand tight. With them at her sides they met Ben coming out of the locker room, and PJ from his office. The five of them walked outside to their cars. Waiting in the afternoon sun was the Boss, smiling as he held a bunch of pink roses for Jo in his arms. As Jo approached him, he surrendered the fragrant flowers and hugged her. "I know I'll be seeing you back here in no time at all Parrish." "Thanks Boss," Jo blubbered, the hormones well and truly kicking in. She buried her face in PJ's leather jacket for a moment before climbing into the car beside him. They headed towards the pub where Chris shouted the team drinks. PJ and Jo had considered having hens and bucks nights, but reached the decision to celebrate together with their friends easily. The couples colleagues shared stories about Jo as a police woman, and laughed over the moments they had all shared. By ten o'clock though, Jo was winding down and her back ached. PJ squeezed her hand and helped her expecting body out of the chair. Jo did a round of the table and whispered thankyous to everyone for a great night of reminiscing. Before she and PJ left the pub Jo waved gaily and gave a squeal. "See you all tomorrow!" Everyone was excited about the wedding.
The next day came sunny and bright through the curtains of the bedroom Jo shared with her fiancée. Jo awoke with a smile on her face and rolled over to kiss PJ's tender lips. He too awoke with a smile, and they squeezed each other tight, excitement pumping through their veins. Today was the day they would be married. The Boss had closed the station especially for the occasion that day, and this meant Susie was right there to help Jo get ready and the boys were by PJ's side, to calm his nerves and shout him a beer if he needed it. At ten o'clock Jo kissed PJ goodbye and flew out the door to meet Susie at the hairdressers. They met, exchanging excited hugs and spent the next two hours being pampered. Evan, Ben and Tom knocked on PJ's door not long after Jo had left, and they all barrelled into the house, talking a million miles a minute. PJ could do nothing but laugh. He knew today was going to be a great day.
"Jo!" Chris gasped. "You look beautiful!" she hugged her carefully, trying not to disturb the masterpiece the hairdresser had just created. "Aww Chris," Jo laughed. "I don't even have my dress on yet!" the three women laughed together and entered the watch house. Susie headed to the fridge to pop open the champagne and Jo headed to Susie's room to retrieve her beauty case. Susie was going to work her magic with Jo's already beautiful features. "I can't believe you're getting married Jo," Susie bubbled. "This is so great. Ever since I met you and PJ, I knew you were supposed to be together," she sighed. "And now you are... awwww, it's just so nice. So romantic." Jo nodded, not able to get the smile off her face. She downed the last of her champagne, waited for Susie to finish her make up, and then jumped up excitedly, heading in the direction of the bedroom to put on the dress that made her feel so special. Susie and Chris watched her go, sitting eagerly on the edges of the seats, just waiting for her to come out and reveal the dress she hadn't let anybody see until today.
"Have a beer PJ," Jonesy said, laughing, pressing the cold bottle into his mates hand. PJ nodded a thanks as Tom continued to fix the miniature lily into PJ's top pocket. PJ was dressed and ready, standing in the middle of his lounge room, surrounded by his best friends. He thought of Jo and felt his heart give a flutter. He couldn't wait to see her and he still had two hours to wait until he saw his lovely fiancée. Jonesy closed the fridge door and headed back over to PJ, and patted him on the shoulder. He opened his coat and revealed the bundle of telegrams he had stuffed into his inner jacket pocket. "Hope the reception goes for a while, cos I'm gonna need all night to read these telegrams," he smiled. PJ was touched at how many people had sent well wishes to him and Jo.
Jo at last came back out to Susie and Chris. She was a picture of beauty in an ivory gown that cascaded down her sleek body like silk. Jo loved the way it was such soft material, because it showed off her pregnancy in the most lovely way. Susie and Chris were speechless. Jo looked like a bridal model. Even Mary Donaldson hadn't looked as gorgeous. It took their breath away. Jo breathed in deeply. "I think I'm ready," she said, fighting the tears of happiness that were coming to her eyes. Susie jumped up and hugged her and they both admired the dresses that they each wore. Susie's bridesmaid gown was a simpler version of Jo's, though still every bit as beautiful. As Susie stared at Jo though, she couldn't get over how beautiful the bride always was. She'd felt so special on the day she married Brad, and today Jo shined with radiance, and Susie hugged her again, whispering in her ear. "You're the most beautiful bride I've ever seen Jo," she smiled at her colleague. "This is your special day and you look gorgeous." "Thanks," Jo replied, squeezing her hand. Susie reached over to the table to hand Jo her bouquet of lilies, their stems bound together in a glittering ivory coloured ribbon. The three women shared an excited hug and made their way to the door. Jo still had no idea how she was getting to the ceremony, PJ had insisted she leave that part up to him, and she was never more shocked than she was when she reached the door and saw a horse and carriage waiting. The driver smiled in her direction and hopped down to welcome her aboard. PJ knew Jo too well. Her love of horses just had to play a part in their special day and so PJ had pulled some strings and organised the horse and carriage to escort his future wife and her attendants to their wedding. Jo hopped on board, Susie lifting her train for her, and took a seat on the red leather perch. She was really battling to hold back her tears now.
PJ breathed deeply as he waited anxiously for Jo by the lake. It was their favourite place and they had shared many quiet, romantic moments there. It was the only place they could ever imagine getting married. Ben stood beside PJ, and Evan stood beside Ben, the three men holding their chests high and their hands clasped in front of them, awaiting the arrival of the bride. The guests quietened when they heard the galloping of horses so close, and turned to see Jo pulling up to the parks entrance. She was fashionably late, but only by 15 minutes – Jo couldn't wait to be by PJ's side, holding his hand, and so wasn't going to break any records for being too late to their wedding. Again Susie helped Jo with her dress as they climbed out. Chris set a quick pace and took her seat next to Tom before Jo met her father at the back of the throng of guests. Her father smiled warmly at his only daughter and extended his arm to her. She took it, Susie straightening her dress as she stepped up to make her walk down aisle. The crowd hushed and watched as Jo walked proudly down the aisle, her father at her side, smiling broadly, and her eyes connected at once with PJ's. She felt her knees go weak as she saw him, and she gripped her bouquet tightly. The soft music playing felt like it was a million miles away, even though the lone violinist was standing not far from PJ. PJ had tears in his eyes as he watched Jo walk up the aisle. She looked more beautiful than ever before, and his heart jumped as he realised he at last was going to get to marry this woman he loved – they would now be together for ever and PJ had never felt happier. At last, Jo reached PJ and stood beside him. She gripped his hand and he smiled at her reassuringly. Now the moment had finally come, what she had been aching for ever since she met PJ and fallen in love with him, had arrived. Now she knew they would be bound and pledge to be together forever. The minister, a close friend of Jo's father, smiled at the glowing couple. A light, warm breeze blew across the congregation and whisped Jo's dress around her slender body, sending the billows of material floating in the breeze. The gentle gust accentuated Jo's bump, six months in, although still not very large. Jo knew that the three final months was when she would grow and she was so relieved to have PJ beside her during that time. And so the ceremony began. The atmosphere relaxed, the guests smiled as they watched the couple become husband and wife. The moment PJ had been waiting for came soon after when the minister clasped his hands together and called for the rings. Delicately, slowly and with the slightest touch, PJ slipped a stunningly simple, yet so incredibly elegant silver wedding band onto Jo's finger. Beaming, Jo then took her turn, placing the band upon PJ's finger and promising to love him forever. PJ was feeling giddy when he lifted the veil that hid Jo's face slightly. She smiled up at him and he put his hands tenderly to her cheeks, cupping her face in his hands. They looked into each others eyes for just a moment, but which felt like a lifetime to the two of them, and their lips connected in a passionate kiss that couldn't be described as any more than love.
Jo and PJ's hands remained linked as they sat at the bridal table that evening, enjoying the sounds of so many close friends and family around them, sharing with them their special day. Jo felt safe and loved when she held PJ's hand, and the warmth his touch gave out was the most extraordinary feeling in the world. They seldom dropped hands the entire night. Shortly after the guests were served their meals, Jonesy gathered his courage and stood up, clearing his throat. Susie, sitting beside him, banged her fork on her glass to silence the crowd. "It is time," he smiled cheekily, eyeing PJ and Jo. "For the speeches," he grinned and put one hand on his hip and gestured with the other in the air. "I haven't been to too many weddings," he began. "And I suppose that is what makes each one I go to so special. The people I see getting married are always my close friends. But not PJ and Jo. They're more than my friends, they're my best friends. As a copper, you form a bond with your workmates, and it's often them that get you through the tough times. They are always there for you, and PJ and Jo were no exception," he smiled, remembering all the times he had laughed with the couple. "PJ and Jo are friends with everyone in the station, and the wider community. They are a warm and loving couple, who both are tough buggers," he let out his larrikin laugh and the guests joined in. "They've been through a lot. There were so many times that things went wrong, and even seemed like they would never get better, but PJ and Jo got through. I believe the strength of their love made it happen. They are the perfect couple, perfect for each other, and great friends to us all." Jo was smiling broadly in Jonesy's direction, her eyes glistening, while PJ gripped Jo's hand harder and they rested their intertwined hands on the table. "PJ and Jo have obviously worked with a lot of people over their years of policing, and not too many of their colleagues forgot them when they parted ways for whichever reason," Jonesy looked down for a moment and opened up his jacket, revealing the bundle of telegrams he had stowed there. "I want to share with the guests here tonight some of the well wishes." The guests clapped loudly and encouraged Jonesy on, and with a smile he unfolded a telegram. '"PJ and Jo,"' he began. '"Before I say anything, I want to congratulate you on your marriage today. I am thrilled for you and saddened that I can't be there with you both, helping you celebrate your special day."' Jo's lashes blinked furiously as she realised who it was from. Jonesy continued, his voice clear and precise, and the guests held onto every word. '"I had the privilege of working with the two of you for several years, and I say without hesitation what fantastic years they were. In Mt Thomas, the people are more welcoming than any stranger would ever be able to imagine, and I settled in easily, but was helped along a great deal by you both. I always had a little feeling something would happen between the two of you one day, and I am stoked to hear it has finally happened. And now, with a new little bundle on the way, I know you will be the happiest couple on earth, and spend the rest of your days together perfectly content,"' even Jonesy was beginning to choke on his words and Jo was dabbing her napkin to the corners of her eyes, and noticed with a smile that Susie and Chris were doing the same. '"The magic of love is what we all dream about and set our hearts upon finding. PJ and Jo, you are both blessed to have found each other, you are now the 'special someone's' in each others lives. I wish you every happiness in the future and I know you will make brilliant parents in the months to come. Again, I am sorry I cannot be there with you today, but I send my love and heartfelt best wishes. Love Tess,"' Jonesy felt exhausted at reading the telegram. PJ stood up though, and reached across the table to shake Evan's hand firmly. The two men smiled broadly at the thought of what terrific friends they had. But Jonesy wasn't finished, and cleared his throat again, trying to ignore the teary eyes that filled the room, so that his tears wouldn't be bought on. He looked at PJ and Jo with a look of admiration. "It's difficult to explain to those who don't spend everyday with PJ and Jo like I do, how perfect they are for each other, and so I'm not going to go on making a fool of myself standing up here trying to do that," again the crowd gave a hoot, their tears drying. "So I'd like you to raise your glasses and toast the newlyweds, who we all know are going to spend the rest of their lives together, blissfully by each others sides." The guests raised their glasses, and as a further toast stood up and cheered the couple. "To PJ and Jo!" Ben yelled. "To PJ and Jo!" the guests responded heartily and raised their glasses even higher. With that Ben stood and motioned to the couple. "I think it is high time the newlyweds shared their first dance as Mr and Mrs Hasham," Ben smiled in their direction and Jo was lost for words. The kindness of her friends was overwhelming her. But by her side, PJ stood and offered his hand to her. "Let's dance," he whispered. She took his hand and stood too and he quickly pulled her to him in a quick embrace before they left the table for the dance floor. "I love the feel of you right next to me Jo," PJ beamed at his wife and led her onto the dance floor. A slow, sweet version of 'Love is in the Air' came on, and PJ and Jo remained close. She draped her arms around his neck loosely and rested her forehead against his and they looked into each others eyes, their noses almost touching. Jo could almost taste PJ's breath as they danced slowly together, forgetting there was anyone else in the room. They felt like they were in a world of their own, nobody but themselves. They swayed gently to the music and gradually became aware of the other guests dancing around them. Over at the bridal table, Jonesy plucked up his courage and extended his hand to Susie. "Would you like to dance?" he asked shyly, his courage all gone after delivering the telegrams. "Of course," Susie whispered in reply. Evan took her hand and led her into the centre of the crowd of guests and pulled her close to him, trying to let her know his feelings without actually having to say anything. Susie understood immediately and smiled at Evan as they danced. Later, Chris gathered the women of the crowd into the centre of the room, and Jo turned her back to them, ready to hurl her bouquet over her shoulder. She looked over her shoulder at them and smiled. "One...two...three!" she tossed the bouquet high into the air and spun around to see who the lucky recipient was. Millions of pairs of arms reached up, but one slender pair of hands caught the bouquet of lilies. Susie smiled and held the bouquet closely to her chest. She felt like it was time to move on from Brad, and maybe her catching the bouquet was the beginning of a fresh start for her, she thought. Evan skidded across the room to where Susie stood, shocked at her catch, and spun her around past the table where she dropped the bouquet and led her onto the dance floor once more. Susie found herself to be happy in Evan's arms and laughed as he spun her around in amongst the guests. Nearby PJ and Jo were once again embraced and as Jo heard the first words of the Beatles classic, she kissed PJ tenderly on the lips. "We're married and we're going to have a baby," PJ whispered, bewildered, his warm breath felt sweet on her face. "We are," Jo could hardly believe it either. "I will always love you," she whispered, smiling. "Forever." Love, Love, Love.
Love, Love, Love.
Love, Love, Love. There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game.
It's easy. Nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time.
It's easy. All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need. All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need. Nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy. All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need.
Date began: 27th June, 2004 Date finished: 11th July, 2004 Disclaimer: the usual. Song credits go to Britney Spears, Vanessa Carlton, 3 Doors Down, Wendy Matthews and The Beatles. Dedication: For Ash, even though she'll never read it – I'm praying for you, for Loze, because we'll be friends forever and for the Nielsons cos I miss them so much.
They settled into bed early that night, after sharing some Chinese takeaway. Jo wasn't in the mood for talking much, and PJ wasn't sure how to make her feel better. He knew she was sad about discovering she wasn't actually pregnant, but she wasn't exactly opening up to him and telling him how she really felt. They sat on the double bed they shared, facing away from each other, both trying to gather the strength to get into bed after such a draining day. Jo's possible pregnancy had hit the two of them in a big way, and neither were handling it well. Jo became more and more devastated the more she thought about it, and PJ ached at the sight of the woman he loved feeling so sad. PJ turned slowly and looked at Jo's back, his eyes filling with tears when he saw her whole body trembling. Her shoulders hunched, her head down, she looked so small and defenceless, and PJ scooted over to sit beside her. Her cheeks were streaked with tears and forlornly she looked up and into PJ's dark eyes. He cupped her face in his hands and wiped away her tears with a gentle touch, but however hard he tried, he couldn't wipe away her sadness. "I was so excited Peej," Jo whispered and a fresh lot of tears cascaded down her cheeks as she spoke. "I know you were," he replied, hugging her little form to him. "So was I. But we'll get through this Jo, we will. We'll have a baby one day and we'll do it together." "I really want a baby PJ," she lifted her head and again looked into his eyes. PJ cradled Jo in his arms in an effort to console his beautiful girl. They quietly crawled under the covers, letting the warmth of the flannel sheets envelope them. It wasn't the flannel sheets that warmed the couple though, it was more the feeling of their arms around each other, desparate to never let go.
Jo worked miserably through her shift the next day, and, as she finished before PJ, she left work and came home to an empty, uninviting house. She sat down at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee and wrapped her hands around the steaming mug silently. The warm liquid ran through her system as she took a sip and stared listlessly out the window at the pouring ran that was falling over Mt Thomas. As Jo stared she thought about the child she almost had. She hadn't even been pregnant at all, yet she had been so excited at the prospect of sharing something with the man she loved. She had often thought there was something holding PJ back from committing himself fully to their relationship, and it didn't take a great stretch of the imagination to realise that that certain something was Maggie Doyle. Still, Jo knew PJ thought the world of her, and cared about her deeply, as she did him. Perhaps she had convinced herself that a baby was what they needed. Maybe it was what they needed and that's why she so badly wished that it hadn't been a false alarm. She just couldn't shake her feeling of devastation. It was only late afternoon, but she dragged herself from the kitchen table and into the bedroom where she slipped under the covers, trying to hide away from the world. Tears melted into her pillow as she grew angry at whatever had shattered her dream of starting a family with PJ. She hugged the pillows tightly, as there was nothing else to hold onto, and as she lay there, the room growing darker as time passed, she wished feverishly she had PJ by her side, to stroke her hair and wipe away her tears.
Everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby
PJ hadn't had the best day at work either, and knew Jo was still upset. She'd left the station the minute her shift had ended, only pausing for a second to give him a lifeless peck on the cheek in farewell. PJ knew it would take Jo a while to get over her false alarm, and he was certain that he needed to do something to show her how much she meant to him. He couldn't help but feel that Jo wanted more from him, but he wasn't sure he knew how to give it to her. He shuffled the papers on his desk in frustration and took a moment to stare at the photograph of Maggie he still had on his desk. He could never let Maggie go completely, and he knew it bothered Jo. She looked at the photo often as well, thinking how it would always be a three person relationship – Jo, PJ and Maggie. PJ rocked back in his chair and linked his hands behind his head, trying to clear the thoughts that were clouding his mind. He must've sat there for half an hour, the silence of the now empty station helping along his thinking. And suddenly he realised he wanted a baby just as much as Jo did.
It was still raining when PJ pulled up to the house. There were no lights on, and yet PJ knew Jo was home. He knew Jo so well it was almost scary, but he smiled at the thought of knowing her so well. He knew it meant she was the one. As he got out of the car something made him stop and for a moment he stood motionless in the pouring rain. He was struck by a thought of Maggie and how she had always loved the rain. She would sit by a window and watch it for hours lost in thought, and he had learnt to appreciate the rain as well because of her. As he walked up the footpath he felt the strongest urge to be with Jo. He was certain Maggie had made it rain that day, just so his emotions could be cleansed and he would be able to make the right decision. That decision that Jo played such an important role in. As he fumbled his way through the dark house he searched in vain for Jo. When he reached the bedroom he could feel her presence in the room, it didn't feel empty. He saw the dark figure huddled under the covers and made his way over to Jo, lying on the bed next to her, their faces just inches apart. He smiled lovingly at her, but his face became concerned when he realised she'd been crying. Jo was a telltale crier; she couldn't hide her puffy eyes and red cheeks. They always gave her away, no matter how much she tried to hide it. The sight of PJ at last beside her, she let go of the pillow she had been so fiercely holding onto and buried herself in his arms. Not much later, an exhausted Jo was asleep and PJ again had a chance to think things through. It didn't take him long to reach a startling realisation. He had to act now, or he may never get the chance.
The next day PJ and Jo arrived at work together, PJ protectively holding Jo's hand as they walked up the station driveway. Jo smiled at PJ as they walked, and squeezed his hand tightly. They hardly ever held hands, and it was something she'd always wanted to do. As they entered the station, they found Susie to be the only one already hard at work. The flushing of the toilet told them the Boss had just finished his usual morning sit down on the loo, and PJ smiled to himself as he led Jo into his office. "Something I can do for you detective?" Jo was smiling at last. She was feeling a whole lot better than she had the night before and she had a strange feeling inside of her that it was going to be a positive day. "Just wanted to tell you I love you," he smiled and kissed her firmly on the lips. Jo beamed back at him and left his office with a spring in her step, making her way to the little kitchen area, where she began unscrewing the lid of the coffee jar as Susie made her way over to Jo with a serious look on her face. "Hey Sus," Jo smiled. "Coffee?" she offered, holding up the jar. Susie shook her head. "Jo..." she began, not sure how to say what she wanted to. "Yeah?" Jo was in such a good mood she didn't detect the caution in Susie's voice. "I was thinking..." she tried again, taking a deep breath. "One of my friends...she thought she had a false alarm too...but she took a test anyway, and it turned out positive." "What?" Jo put down the jar of coffee. She looked intensely at her colleague. "I think you should take a test anyway, just to be really sure, cos, I mean, you just never know," Susie wasn't sure how Jo would react to her poking her nose in. "Do you think?" Jo asked, hope evident in her voice. "Just to be sure Jo," Susie took Jo's hand. "I stopped by the chemist this morning and got one for you." "Really?" Jo was touched by the thoughtful and caring gesture of her friend. "I guess I better go and do it then," Jo felt a surge of energy. Susie could be right, she thought. Maybe my false alarm was a false alarm. Together they walked quickly to the locker room where Susie took the pregnancy test out of her bag and handed it to Jo. "Do you want me to come with you?" Susie asked, tentatively. Jo nodded, tears suddenly starting to spring to her eyes. "Could you just wait in the bathroom with me?" the moment had come and Jo was suddenly frightened. "Of course Jo," Susie hugged her and they made their way to the female toilets at the back of the station.
It was an agonising wait - those little lines were taking forever to come up. Jo sat on the closed toilet and held the test in her shaking hands. She began to convince herself that it would be negative, just so that she wouldn't come crashing back down to earth quite so hard this time. After a few minutes, Susie knocked on the door. "Are you ok? Have the results come up yet?" she asked quietly, and Jo was just about to answer that they hadn't when at last they did. She stood up slowly from where she had been seated and opened the toilet door a crack, looking shocked at Susie. When Susie smiled back cautiously, Jo opened the door fully and held up the test for Susie to see with her own eyes. Jo wasn't sure if she'd seen correctly, and needed someone else to tell her that the test did in fact prove she was pregnant. "It's positive Jo," Susie whispered looking deep into her colleagues eyes. Jo nodded in response, still overcome by the shock. Susie put a hand to her shoulder. "Are you ok?" "Yes...yes, yes I'm fine," Jo was fumbling her words, but as she looked again at the test a smile crept onto her face. "Well go and tell PJ," Susie laughed, pushing her in the direction of the door. Jo bolted out of the bathroom and raced down the hall before bursting through PJ's door, scaring the life out of him and causing him to drop the phone. He sprang up from his chair, his eyes wide with surprise. Jo just stood in front of his desk, the pregnancy test dangling from her fingertips. Without a word, she held it up for him to see. "Is that what I think it is?" PJ asked, in his usual detective way. "It sure is," Jo beamed. "It's positive," she paused for a second, needing to know how PJ felt. "What do you think?" "What do I think?" he asked. "About us having a baby," Jo was scared. "Are we ready? Do you want to be a Dad?" "Absolutely," PJ beamed at Jo and she threw her arms around him. "I love you," she cried. PJ's face broke into a smile of equal wattage to Jo's. He picked her up and spun her round, giving a little yelp of joy. His arms around her, he pulled her in for a passionate kiss, and they then stared into each others eyes, not able to get the smiles off their faces.
Late that afternoon PJ and Jo had at last finished their shifts, their heads having been in the clouds ever since Jo's fantastic news. PJ could not keep his hands off Jo, and every now and then he would just stare at her, sitting at her desk, making coffee, driving the patrol car. Everytime he did, she would look up, smile, and try to resist the temptation to jump up and fling her arms around him again. More often than not, the temptation was simply too great, and the two would escape into PJ's office for a few minutes to themselves. As they drove home, Jo was bubbling over with excitement, throwing words out of her mouth like they tasted bad. She was talking so fast, her mouth moving a hundred miles a minute that PJ could barely get a word in. Finally, as he settled the car in the driveway, and pulled at the hand break, he pulled Jo's face toward him and silenced her with a kiss. She smiled the sweetest smile PJ had ever seen escape from her lips, and he got out and opened the passenger door for her, acting every bit the gentleman. Jo whipped her knees around to the open door and wrapped her legs around PJ, pulling him to her. He gave her a wicked smile, and lifted her up and out of the car, despite the fact she was perfectly capable of walking herself. They stood by the driveways edge, unable to keep their lips apart, and the fire fuelled between them quickly. Once they made it into the house though they shared the desire just to lay together, enjoying every moment they shared. The rain belted down outside as they lay together on their bed, their arms and legs entangled around each other, and PJ couldn't held but think Maggie was at work again up in heaven today. The rain never made PJ feel sad or depressed, as it did most people, because it always made him think of Mags and how much she had loved it. In the past couple of days, the rain had also made him think constantly of Jo, although it didn't need to be raining for him to be thinking of the woman he loved. "I can't believe we're going to have a baby PJ," Jo whispered, getting teary for about the tenth time that day. "It's what I've always wanted," she held PJ's hand tightly in her own. "Me too baby, me too," PJ replied, smiling at her and kissing the crease of her neck as they lay on top of the doona contently, their work clothes still on. They didn't feel the need to even move, they were so happy exactly where they were, and not even the R.M Williams Jo had to wear, or the thick leather jacket PJ always wore made them feel uncomfortable as they laid there. They lay there for more than an hour, whispering into each others ears and kissing tenderly. Soon though, hunger took over and the two changed into more comfortable attire and wandered into the kitchen, their arms still woven and their fingers laced together as they held hands. Jo felt the most incredible connection to PJ and she could not resist roaming her hands all over his soft dark skin and staring deeply into his soulful eyes any chance she got. PJ loved the sudden passionate feelings that were running through Jo, and couldn't help but laugh when she didn't even take her own seat at the kitchen table when they had prepared some quick pasta and sauce for their evening meal. She stood beside PJ as he sat down and then plopped her own light frame onto his lap, and together they shared a 'close' meal.
Later they lay in bed together, discussing the future and their unborn child. The excitement of the day meant the two of them fell asleep quickly in each other arms, but not before Jo murmured into the darkness. "I love you Patrick Joseph Hasham," she whispered, shuffling closer into his arms. She looked up to him and smiled, before placing her lips delicately on his own. He cradled her face in his hands and at last managed to say what he'd been wanting to say for 2 days. "I'm so glad we're having a baby Jo," he said as he stroked her cheek. "I can't wait to share this with you. But to make it even better, I want us to be together forever." Jo smiled in a silent response, an excited feeling stirring in her stomach. She had a feeling she knew what PJ was about to say. "Will you marry me?" he whispered, looking deep into her eyes and clutching her hand. Jo looked up into PJ's eyes and smiled again. "That's very sweet and old fashioned of you," she answered. "Well I'm that kinda guy," he smiled. "So will you?" "My answer is, of course...yes," Jo replied and their lips connected in a passionate kiss that was full of life. The two settled into each others arms and talked about their future together. "I've always wanted to be a Mum," Jo whispered. "You're going to be a great Mum Jo. Little Patrick Joseph is going to be well cared for," PJ said cheekily. "What makes you think it's going to be a boy?" Jo laughed. "I have a feeling..." he smiled, mysteriously. "Well I think that Emily Georgia Parrish Hasham is going to be the apple of her fathers eye," Jo hugged PJ to her tightly.
PJ always knew Jo was stubborn, but he had little idea of the extent of her stubbornness until she was three months into her pregnancy while Jo always knew PJ was a worry wart and would give his life to protect her, but she didn't realise just how much until she was a third of the way through her pregnancy. Jo had a passion for the job, and was determined to stay operational as long as was humanly possible, despite the pleas from her colleagues and most of all, from PJ. He had a terrible habit of always thinking of Jo before he thought of the job at hand, and it constantly annoyed Jo. It wasn't the Boss's favourite thing either. It seemed to Tom like his best detective was letting his pending fatherhood go to his head. His protection of Jo was clouding his judgement in a big way. On a rainy Thursday afternoon Tom pulled Jo aside as she was just walking out the door at the end of her shift. "How are you feeling?" he asked as she sat across from him in his office. "Good," Jo answered suspiciously. "Well for that I'm glad, but I need to be frank with you here Parrish," Tom ran his hands through his greying hair. "What is it?" Jo had a bad feeling it was going to be to do with her going non-operational. "When was it that you were thinking of taking your maternity leave?" he broached the subject carefully to his senior constable, trying to not step on any tender toes. "Boss!" Jo screeched in exasperation. "I'm only twelve weeks! Surely I can still stay on the job for a little bit longer!" Jo could feel her passionate police side coming through in her words. "It's not that Parrish," Tom tried to reassure her. "It's your fiancée I'm worried about. I have no doubt you can do your job well, and knowing you, you'll do it well for as long as you can get away with. But PJ...haven't you noticed he's been a bit...off lately?" Jo wiggled in her seat. "I was hoping it was just me who'd noticed that," she answered uncomfortably. "Well, I'm afraid not Parrish, and I have to tell you, it's nothing new to me," he looked at her knowingly. "It's precisely the reason I don't encourage fraternising between the troops. And, on a sourer note..." Tom hesitated looking worriedly at Jo. "He used to do exactly the same thing with Maggie." Jo nodded, already having realised that fact. The people in PJ's life were so important to him, and he was always so scared of losing them, that he wrapped them in cotton wool. It was in his nature. She smiled a sad smile at Tom. "Yeah I know," she sighed. "He's just worried about me, I know. That's all it is, but I'll have a word to him, try and talk some sense into him," she stood up to leave and turned around to face the Boss as she was about to leave his office. "Thanks," she smiled. "Just look after yourself Parrish," Tom returned the gentle smile.
A little later Jo walked through the door of the house she and PJ shared. By the phone there was a note from PJ saying he would be home at 6pm. With a sigh Jo wandered over to the fridge to cure her cravings. She had the weirdest desire for some strawberries and cheese. She laughed to herself as she searched the fridge, and then at last found what she was looking for. Sitting comfortably on the couch, she munched on her snack thoughtfully, pondering how she would break the tender subject to PJ. She knew he might not take it too well, and just try to reassure her he was just trying to protect her and keep her and the baby safe. With the baby on her mind, Jo put her hand to her stomach feeling the small bump there. It wasn't very big yet, and even though she wanted to remain on duty for as long as she could, she also couldn't wait to have the big bump, because then she would feel 'truly' pregnant. At the moment she just felt overweight. After a while of sitting staring into space Jo picked up a book of PJ's that was resting on the coffee table. Flicking through she became enticed and read solidly for an hour and almost shot through the ceiling when PJ walked through the front door suddenly. "Peej!" she cried. "You scared me!" she got up from the couch to wrap her arms around the man she loved. PJ kissed the top of her head and then pulled her chin up to meet his lips where they shared a passionate kiss. He then walked into the kitchen to grab a coffee while Jo waited for him back on the couch. When he came back and sat next to her she reached for his hand, squeezing it tightly. Her engagement ring glittered away as Jo stared down at it, trying to gather the courage to say what PJ needed to hear. "Peej," she began, still unsure of how to broach the subject to him. "I had a little talk with the Boss this afternoon..." PJ nodded, letting Jo get out what she needed to. "He's noticed what I've noticed Peej," she looked into his eyes sadly. PJ looked back at her, obviously not catching on. "On the job, you're preoccupied, you're always thinking about my welfare, I can tell," she squeezed his hand again, smiling slightly. "Jo..." PJ began. "I know - you're just trying to protect me right?" she kissed his lips quickly. "It's ok you know, I'm not going to break. I'll be ok," she smiled. "It's just...anything could happen Jo, and I don't want to lose you...like...like I lost...," PJ smiled, embarrassed at his fiancée and his thoughts of his past love. "You're right, I am just trying to protect you. I'm trying to not let it get in the way, but I guess it's not really happening," he smiled again, that sad glint still evident in his eye. Jo leant against him. They sat silently together for a while, lost in their own thoughts. Suddenly Jo felt an urge to speak. To speak about something that wasn't often spoken about. "Do you still think about Maggie?" she asked, rather bluntly. She turned around to look at him. PJ's brow creased, and he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, as if searching for the right answer, perhaps the answer Jo wanted to hear. One that would put her heart at ease. But he couldn't lie to her. "Everyday," he whispered in reply, as he felt the hot sting of tears in his eyes. He knew he shouldn't be, but he was ashamed to look Jo in the eye. He knew she cared deeply about him – they were engaged to be married after all, and she wouldn't have said yes to his proposal if she didn't really mean it. But the truth was, he still thought of Maggie every waking moment. Every ounce of his body missed her, and he was terrified it would strain the relationship he shared with Jo. She smiled sadly, understanding how he felt without him having to fully explain. But something nagged at her brain. She hurled herself up from the couch and padded barefoot into the kitchen. When she got there, she leant against the bench top after turning on the kettle. She closed her eyes and thought for a moment, her arms folded across her chest. She didn't feel angry, but as she stood silently, she could feel something bubbling up inside her. Whether it was anger or sadness, she had little idea. A minute later, PJ entered the kitchen, concern etched on his face. He knew Jo walked away from things when she was upset. And she'd done precisely that, without a word, when he'd just revealed his innermost feelings about Maggie to her face. He leant against the bench next to her also, and she busied herself silently by dropping teaspoons of coffee into two mugs, avoiding his eyes. At that moment she didn't know what to say. As she walked over to the fridge to retrieve a carton of milk, the words suddenly came to her and her feelings boiled over. She was surprised to hear her voice laced with anger and accusation. PJ reeled back also and his brow remained creased. "You're never going to be over her are you?" she whispered harshly, her hands up against the cold metal of the fridge door handle. "Jo..." PJ's eyes again stung with tears. "I love her...I loved her. But it's you I want to be with now," he stared at her with blank eyes. "So you deny it?" she asked. PJ could do nothing but shake his head. Sorrowfully, he filled his coffee cup with the now boiled water, left it without milk and walked out onto the back verandah to get some of the clear night air into his lungs. Tears streamed down Jo's face. She was devastated. Her fiancée had just admitted that he still loved another woman. Yet there she was, engaged to him, living with him and carrying his child. She was at a loose end. Things weren't fitting together. They weren't the way she'd imagined they would be. She deserted her cup of coffee, now steaming in its mug on the bench, and almost ran into the bedroom she shared with PJ. She grabbed a bag out of the closet and threw in some clothes, as well as a clean uniform for work. As she zipped up the bag she stopped and gazed at her engagement ring as it sparkled on her finger. God, it was beautiful. The day she and PJ had picked it out and he'd placed it on her finger she was on top of the world. She and Susie had talked about it that night at the pub, how gorgeous it was, how lucky she was, and what marriage meant. Susie knew the details; she'd been married once, and couldn't help but get caught up in the happiness of Jo's engagement. Jo was angry at PJ, but she couldn't tear the ring from her finger. It wasn't because she was greedy and just liked the look of a glittering diamond on her hand. No, it was because it was what she and PJ shared. Yes he'd just admitted he still loved Maggie, but he'd taken the step and proposed to Jo, and shown her his love by placing the ring upon her finger. They were bound by the ring, it meant they were going to share their lives together, and this was something Jo ached for. She wanted so badly to spend the rest of her life with PJ. And so she kept the ring on her finger. She left the house and hopped awkwardly into her car. Even though she was only 12 weeks pregnant, she could feel herself getting a little weaker, losing the strength she was so proud to possess as a result of such rigorous police training. She didn't mind too much, because it meant she was going to have a baby at last. It was something she wanted with PJ.
Hey, there's not a cloud in sight
It's as blue as your blue goodbye, and I thought that it would rain
the day you went away.
At every thought of PJ, she felt like her heart broke a little bit more. It hurt so much, and the tears continued to cascade down her cheeks as she drove towards the station. She wiped them away with the sleeve of her blue woollen jumper as she parked around the back of the station, slamming the drivers' door. It gave a satisfying thump as it closed, and so satisfying was it, and so down did Jo feel, that she was tempted to open the door and slam it again, but she held herself back. She jogged through the drizzle of rain that was falling over Mt Thomas and approached Susie's verandah at the watch house. She knocked hard and fast three times. Susie opened the door quickly, her face giving away the shock she felt at seeing Jo at her doorstep at such an hour. Jo just stared at her with sad eyes, and without a word, Susie reached down, took Jo's limp hand, and guided her inside towards the couch. "Jo," Susie whispered, still holding her hand. "Did something happen?" "He still loves her," she replied in just as hushed tone. "He still loves Maggie. I'm playing second fiddle here Sus. And I don't want to," she tried to wipe the tears away with her own fingers, but they were too much. There were too many. Feeling her warm, salty tears on her fingertips made Jo realise she was crying. That she was crying over the drastic wrong turn her life had just taken. She flopped back against the couch, curling up into a ball and staring helplessly at Susie, willing her to give her some advice. Susie racked her brains for a worthy piece of advice to aid her friend. But no matter how much she turned it over in her mind, she kept returning to one conclusion, and she knew it wasn't what Jo would want to hear. "PJ loves you Jo," she said to her colleague. "He loves you more than anything." "He doesn't love me more than he loves Maggie," Jo replied angrily. Susie knew then that Jo would have an answer to anything she tried to say. Jo got up, her cheeks red in anger and turned to Susie. "Is it all right if I stay here tonight?" she asked. "Sure..." Susie began, getting up also. "I'm sorry to be a burden," Jo said apologetically, returning to her usual soft nature for a fleeting moment. It didn't take her long to return to the angry Jo she was when she walked through Susie's door though. "I just can't be with PJ right now. I just can't." Susie nodded, understanding. She led Jo to her bedroom, where there was a foldout couch, ready for just such a visit from a friend in need. She left the room to find some fresh sheets and a blanket for Jo, and when she returned she found Jo sitting on the floor, crumpled, her head buried in her arms, her shoulders heaving up and down. Susie bent down and sat beside her friend. She hugged a sobbing Jo, and said not a word. After several minutes, Jo looked up. "I...I always thought that having a broken heart was just an expression. Just a saying...but I can feel it. Everytime I think about him, it feels like my heart is breaking. It really does," Jo looked forlornly at her friend for a moment and then stretched out her hand in front of her, and stared at her engagement ring. It was the only hope Jo had left. The promise the ring held was the only thing encouraging her to hold on. To hold on for PJ.
Jo and Susie sat up late into the night, talking in the darkness. Susie opened up to Jo, sharing with her the memories she had of Brad and their marriage. Although Susie's sadness was the last thing Jo wanted to deal with, Jo listened and nodded in all the right places. A part of her felt ashamed for only half listening to Susie's whispers, but Jo was simply too caught up in her sadness. She couldn't stop thinking of PJ and it felt like a lead weight pressing against her heart. Her tears still fell slowly from her sore red eyes as she heard Susie talking somewhere in the back of her mind, but heard PJ's voice at the front of her head, saying over and over how he still loved Maggie. Jo pushed her face into the pillow to muffle her quiet sobs. Susie stopped talking for a minute and sat up in the darkness, looking across the room at Jo. "Are you ok Jo?" she whispered. Jo remained still, pretending she was asleep and hadn't heard Susie's question. Susie called out once more, then fell for Jo's trick. She turned over, burrowing under the covers, and was soon asleep. But Jo stayed awake most of the night, tossing and turning, trying to get in a comfortable position in the uncomfortable fold out bed. Jo was reminded of the nights leading up to an awful Christmas, a year or two ago. That was another time PJ had told her he didn't love her. Every night after that dark day in his office her bed had felt uncomfortable. Just like this one.
I'm here without you baby, but your still on my lonely mind I think about you baby, and I dream about you all the time I'm here without you baby, but your still with me in my dreams
Facing the wall, she touched her engagement ring delicately with her other fingers. She still badly wanted this engagement to work, the marriage to be successful. But she had too much pride to pay second fiddle to a dead woman. Her heart ached as she wished PJ could rid himself of the feelings he had for Maggie. She knew that was a horrible thing to wish he could do, but she loved him so much, and couldn't bear the thought of not being with him the rest of her life. Little did Jo know PJ was laying in their bed at home, the space beside him hauntingly empty, thinking exactly the same thing.
The next morning Jo woke before Susie and dressed quickly. She headed over to the station without breakfast – she had no appetite. To her disappointment PJ was already at the station, the door of his office open just a crack – just enough for him to see if anyone came into the station. Anyone like...Jo. Jo tiptoed past, walking quickly to the locker room, hoping he wouldn't see or hear her. She wasn't ready to talk to him yet, no matter how much her body ached to hear his voice again. As she closed the locker room door softly and headed to the locker labelled 'Parrish', she felt an odd sensation in her stomach. Like a bolt of electricity wrapping around her tiny bump. She froze and her hand went to her stomach and then, like a little footballer, she felt their child give its first whopping kick. Jo was overjoyed, but at that moment it was the last thing she could handle. She had thought she could handle the day, work civilly with PJ, but on the verge of tears, she realised she couldn't. Taking a deep breath, she took the stuff out of her locker that she'd just put in there and walked back outside, not caring how much noise she made and if PJ noticed her or not. The baby kicked on in protest, as if trying to convince her to talk to him, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. The tears streamed down her face as she walked toward the back of the station, back towards Susie's. She saw Susie coming out of the watch house as she approached. "Jo!" Susie said, pulling the door closed behind her and looking her friend truthfully in the eye. "I wondered where you were," she put a friendly hand on Jo's shoulder, willing the truth out of her. "Tell Ben I'm not coming in today. Compassionate leave," she shrugged off Susie's hand. She breezed past her and into the watch house where she gathered the few possessions she had bought over the night before. With the slam of a door inside the watch house, Susie thought it best if she didn't follow Jo and persist with the questions. With a sigh she took herself off to the station and dreaded telling Ben the news the whole way.
Jo cried as she sat back on the fold out bed in Susie's room. Her hand at her stomach, Jo cried because the baby's first kick was something the parents should share together. PJ should've shared it with her, and they shouldn't have been apart. But Jo didn't know what to say to PJ. Less than five minutes later, Ben was at the watch house door, ignoring Susie's pleas to leave Jo alone. He banged on the polished wood of the heavy door and called out for Jo to answer. In the bedroom Jo wiped away her tears and grabbed her bag quickly, heading for the door. Opening it, she spoke frostily. "Go away Ben," she walked steadily past him. Ben followed her down the footpath and to her car. "What are you doing Jo?" he asked, concerned, and wounded at Jo's harsh words. "Just go away," she cried, buckling her seat belt and reaching for the door handle to pull the door closed. "No Jo, I won't," he held a strong arm against the door – a force that was stronger than Jo. "PJ didn't leave your bedroom all last night. What happened? I want to help." "Just leave me alone, you're interfering," she said through gritted teeth, the tears pooling in her eyes once more, and with that she yanked at the door with all her strength, and sped down the driveway, leaving Ben standing in the middle, watching her drive away.
At first Jo didn't know where to go, and this resulted in her driving around Mt Thomas for more than an hour. Finally though, she pulled into the driveway of the house she shared with PJ and Ben. Getting out she once again gathered her bag in her arms and entered the silent house. The house smelt of PJ – a mixture of mens deodorant and leather. The smell of PJ's familiar leather jackets always made her smile, and to her surprise it still did when she opened the bedroom door and saw one of the jackets sway from the hook it was hanging from on the back of the door. She fingered the material gently, lovingly and yet again ached for PJ. She walked over to the bed and plopped herself down sadly. Thinking further, she laid down on the pillow and closed her eyes, wishing this were all a nightmare. Hoping it was all just a nightmare. A creak sounded throughout the house as someone made their way to the bedroom where Jo lay. She knew it was PJ, but she didn't open her eyes. She couldn't gather the strength to. She waited for him to lay himself down next to her. After several minutes she still didn't feel the familiar weight of his body at her side and she at last opened her eyes, searching for him. He stood tentatively at the door, afraid to enter, like a child hiding away when they know they've done something wrong. He stared at her and she stared right back, not blinking or moving. She could tell he wanted to move closer, but his eyes gave away that he wasn't sure he could reach inside himself and do just that. Finally, he did though, and stood at Jo's feet, holding onto the beds end. "I know that you know what I want to say," he whispered. Jo nodded, she did know. But she wanted to hear it. "But you want to hear it don't you?" PJ read her mind, he rubbed his forehead. He looked like a man with the weight of the world on his shoulders. And it showed in his pained expression and sad eyes. "I love you Jo," he held in his tears. "I love you so much it hurts, and I feel like I might just die if I can't spend the rest of my life with you." He looked honestly at her. "Yes I loved Maggie, and there will always be a little place for her in my heart. But it's you I love now. I know you think of yourself as second best – that I love you just because Mags isn't here, but that's not true," he sighed again. "I need you Jo," he knelt down on the floor beside where she was lying. Touching her cheek he spoke again. "I love you with every part of my body, I honestly do..." he broke down beside her. He was more terrified than he had been in his whole life that he was going to lose her for good.
If I could fall into the sky Do you think time would pass me by Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles If I could just see you... tonight.
Jo couldn't tear her eyes away from PJ's distraught face. He was shattered. His hand dropped away from her cheek and fell lifeless onto the bedspread when she didn't respond. But slowly, gently, Jo took hold of PJ's trembling hand. He looked up at her with the faintest glimmer of hope in his eyes. It was so faint that she almost backed out of what she was going to say. But the warmth of their hands together spurred her on, and she remembered for a fleeting moment how much she loved it when they held hands. "You can't imagine how much it hurts to be away from you PJ," Jo cried quietly, her tears falling onto his hand. "I want us to be together, married, happy. And I know now that I can't ever possibly ask you to stop loving Maggie, because after last night, when I had a chance to think, I realised how hard this must be for you. You loved her so much," Jo smiled. PJ nodded sadly, ashamed. But Jo propped up his chin. "But I know how much you love me too. You don't even have to say it. I just know," she smiled again, the tears at last drying on her cheeks, leaving salty trails down her face. "And I still want to spend the rest of my life with you." A smile finally crept onto PJ's face. He smiled up at Jo, his eyes blinking in relief. She at last understood. She just needed to realise how much he loved her and then she would know that she wasn't playing second fiddle to anyone. He gripped her hand tighter, adjusting the engagement ring that was still on her finger. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you too," he kissed her delicately on the lips. "I can't wait for the day when you're my wife."
Everyday PJ knew Jo he loved her more. She glowed as she progressed through her pregnancy and as each day passed, PJ realised more and more how much he loved to see the sight of her smiling. Whether it be in the station, in the car or when they were laying in each others arms at night time, together. Their love for each other grew everyday, although sometimes Jo felt that just wasn't possible. Nobody understood how much she loved PJ, and nobody understood how much PJ loved her. Their connection was incredible, and PJ held onto Jo with everything he had after almost losing her. Their wedding day was almost upon them and neither could be more excited. The preparations were in their final stages and the time was right. Jo knew it was going to be the wedding of her dreams, and it would seal her love for PJ finally. It was Jo's last day on active duty. She wandered around the station listlessly during her final hour. Tears came to her eyes as she realised she wasn't going to be part of this team for at least a year, and she missed it already. She knew she was just being silly though, and wiped away her tears quickly, hoping none of her colleagues would notice. But Jonesy, her big little brother, caught the sad look on his mates face. He followed her to the kitchen area and put his arm around her shoulders protectively. He smiled down at her, and watched her spoon coffee into a mug with trembling hands. "You won't get rid of us Jo," he said to her, smiling. "Is that why you're sad? Cos you're leaving?" She nodded. "I know I'm coming back Jonesy," she began. "And I am excited about having a baby. But I almost can't bear to leave you guys. Everyone in this station and PJ are my whole life." "Don't worry Jo," Jonesy reassured her. "You're going to see us everyday, and plus, you're going to be a Mum! I know you can't wait." Jonesy was always so good at giving advice. He was always there with a hug and a kiss, plus a nice big shoulder to cry on and just enough comforting words that always made you feel better. Jo hugged him tight, reaching her hands all the way around his waist and he kissed the top of her head.
As the clock struck five Jo stood in the middle of the station, turning slowly on the spot, trying to absorb everything in for the last time while she was still in her uniform. A lone tear slid down her face, and she didn't bother to wipe it away this time as there was no one there to see it slip down her cheek. She was just about to turn around and walk out of the station when each and every single on of her colleagues appeared from various areas of the station, surprising her. Jo stared in shock as her colleagues each gathered round her with smiles plastered all over their faces – she had thought she was alone, but obviously not. Jonesy put an arm around her again and Susie squeezed her hand tight. With them at her sides they met Ben coming out of the locker room, and PJ from his office. The five of them walked outside to their cars. Waiting in the afternoon sun was the Boss, smiling as he held a bunch of pink roses for Jo in his arms. As Jo approached him, he surrendered the fragrant flowers and hugged her. "I know I'll be seeing you back here in no time at all Parrish." "Thanks Boss," Jo blubbered, the hormones well and truly kicking in. She buried her face in PJ's leather jacket for a moment before climbing into the car beside him. They headed towards the pub where Chris shouted the team drinks. PJ and Jo had considered having hens and bucks nights, but reached the decision to celebrate together with their friends easily. The couples colleagues shared stories about Jo as a police woman, and laughed over the moments they had all shared. By ten o'clock though, Jo was winding down and her back ached. PJ squeezed her hand and helped her expecting body out of the chair. Jo did a round of the table and whispered thankyous to everyone for a great night of reminiscing. Before she and PJ left the pub Jo waved gaily and gave a squeal. "See you all tomorrow!" Everyone was excited about the wedding.
The next day came sunny and bright through the curtains of the bedroom Jo shared with her fiancée. Jo awoke with a smile on her face and rolled over to kiss PJ's tender lips. He too awoke with a smile, and they squeezed each other tight, excitement pumping through their veins. Today was the day they would be married. The Boss had closed the station especially for the occasion that day, and this meant Susie was right there to help Jo get ready and the boys were by PJ's side, to calm his nerves and shout him a beer if he needed it. At ten o'clock Jo kissed PJ goodbye and flew out the door to meet Susie at the hairdressers. They met, exchanging excited hugs and spent the next two hours being pampered. Evan, Ben and Tom knocked on PJ's door not long after Jo had left, and they all barrelled into the house, talking a million miles a minute. PJ could do nothing but laugh. He knew today was going to be a great day.
"Jo!" Chris gasped. "You look beautiful!" she hugged her carefully, trying not to disturb the masterpiece the hairdresser had just created. "Aww Chris," Jo laughed. "I don't even have my dress on yet!" the three women laughed together and entered the watch house. Susie headed to the fridge to pop open the champagne and Jo headed to Susie's room to retrieve her beauty case. Susie was going to work her magic with Jo's already beautiful features. "I can't believe you're getting married Jo," Susie bubbled. "This is so great. Ever since I met you and PJ, I knew you were supposed to be together," she sighed. "And now you are... awwww, it's just so nice. So romantic." Jo nodded, not able to get the smile off her face. She downed the last of her champagne, waited for Susie to finish her make up, and then jumped up excitedly, heading in the direction of the bedroom to put on the dress that made her feel so special. Susie and Chris watched her go, sitting eagerly on the edges of the seats, just waiting for her to come out and reveal the dress she hadn't let anybody see until today.
"Have a beer PJ," Jonesy said, laughing, pressing the cold bottle into his mates hand. PJ nodded a thanks as Tom continued to fix the miniature lily into PJ's top pocket. PJ was dressed and ready, standing in the middle of his lounge room, surrounded by his best friends. He thought of Jo and felt his heart give a flutter. He couldn't wait to see her and he still had two hours to wait until he saw his lovely fiancée. Jonesy closed the fridge door and headed back over to PJ, and patted him on the shoulder. He opened his coat and revealed the bundle of telegrams he had stuffed into his inner jacket pocket. "Hope the reception goes for a while, cos I'm gonna need all night to read these telegrams," he smiled. PJ was touched at how many people had sent well wishes to him and Jo.
Jo at last came back out to Susie and Chris. She was a picture of beauty in an ivory gown that cascaded down her sleek body like silk. Jo loved the way it was such soft material, because it showed off her pregnancy in the most lovely way. Susie and Chris were speechless. Jo looked like a bridal model. Even Mary Donaldson hadn't looked as gorgeous. It took their breath away. Jo breathed in deeply. "I think I'm ready," she said, fighting the tears of happiness that were coming to her eyes. Susie jumped up and hugged her and they both admired the dresses that they each wore. Susie's bridesmaid gown was a simpler version of Jo's, though still every bit as beautiful. As Susie stared at Jo though, she couldn't get over how beautiful the bride always was. She'd felt so special on the day she married Brad, and today Jo shined with radiance, and Susie hugged her again, whispering in her ear. "You're the most beautiful bride I've ever seen Jo," she smiled at her colleague. "This is your special day and you look gorgeous." "Thanks," Jo replied, squeezing her hand. Susie reached over to the table to hand Jo her bouquet of lilies, their stems bound together in a glittering ivory coloured ribbon. The three women shared an excited hug and made their way to the door. Jo still had no idea how she was getting to the ceremony, PJ had insisted she leave that part up to him, and she was never more shocked than she was when she reached the door and saw a horse and carriage waiting. The driver smiled in her direction and hopped down to welcome her aboard. PJ knew Jo too well. Her love of horses just had to play a part in their special day and so PJ had pulled some strings and organised the horse and carriage to escort his future wife and her attendants to their wedding. Jo hopped on board, Susie lifting her train for her, and took a seat on the red leather perch. She was really battling to hold back her tears now.
PJ breathed deeply as he waited anxiously for Jo by the lake. It was their favourite place and they had shared many quiet, romantic moments there. It was the only place they could ever imagine getting married. Ben stood beside PJ, and Evan stood beside Ben, the three men holding their chests high and their hands clasped in front of them, awaiting the arrival of the bride. The guests quietened when they heard the galloping of horses so close, and turned to see Jo pulling up to the parks entrance. She was fashionably late, but only by 15 minutes – Jo couldn't wait to be by PJ's side, holding his hand, and so wasn't going to break any records for being too late to their wedding. Again Susie helped Jo with her dress as they climbed out. Chris set a quick pace and took her seat next to Tom before Jo met her father at the back of the throng of guests. Her father smiled warmly at his only daughter and extended his arm to her. She took it, Susie straightening her dress as she stepped up to make her walk down aisle. The crowd hushed and watched as Jo walked proudly down the aisle, her father at her side, smiling broadly, and her eyes connected at once with PJ's. She felt her knees go weak as she saw him, and she gripped her bouquet tightly. The soft music playing felt like it was a million miles away, even though the lone violinist was standing not far from PJ. PJ had tears in his eyes as he watched Jo walk up the aisle. She looked more beautiful than ever before, and his heart jumped as he realised he at last was going to get to marry this woman he loved – they would now be together for ever and PJ had never felt happier. At last, Jo reached PJ and stood beside him. She gripped his hand and he smiled at her reassuringly. Now the moment had finally come, what she had been aching for ever since she met PJ and fallen in love with him, had arrived. Now she knew they would be bound and pledge to be together forever. The minister, a close friend of Jo's father, smiled at the glowing couple. A light, warm breeze blew across the congregation and whisped Jo's dress around her slender body, sending the billows of material floating in the breeze. The gentle gust accentuated Jo's bump, six months in, although still not very large. Jo knew that the three final months was when she would grow and she was so relieved to have PJ beside her during that time. And so the ceremony began. The atmosphere relaxed, the guests smiled as they watched the couple become husband and wife. The moment PJ had been waiting for came soon after when the minister clasped his hands together and called for the rings. Delicately, slowly and with the slightest touch, PJ slipped a stunningly simple, yet so incredibly elegant silver wedding band onto Jo's finger. Beaming, Jo then took her turn, placing the band upon PJ's finger and promising to love him forever. PJ was feeling giddy when he lifted the veil that hid Jo's face slightly. She smiled up at him and he put his hands tenderly to her cheeks, cupping her face in his hands. They looked into each others eyes for just a moment, but which felt like a lifetime to the two of them, and their lips connected in a passionate kiss that couldn't be described as any more than love.
Jo and PJ's hands remained linked as they sat at the bridal table that evening, enjoying the sounds of so many close friends and family around them, sharing with them their special day. Jo felt safe and loved when she held PJ's hand, and the warmth his touch gave out was the most extraordinary feeling in the world. They seldom dropped hands the entire night. Shortly after the guests were served their meals, Jonesy gathered his courage and stood up, clearing his throat. Susie, sitting beside him, banged her fork on her glass to silence the crowd. "It is time," he smiled cheekily, eyeing PJ and Jo. "For the speeches," he grinned and put one hand on his hip and gestured with the other in the air. "I haven't been to too many weddings," he began. "And I suppose that is what makes each one I go to so special. The people I see getting married are always my close friends. But not PJ and Jo. They're more than my friends, they're my best friends. As a copper, you form a bond with your workmates, and it's often them that get you through the tough times. They are always there for you, and PJ and Jo were no exception," he smiled, remembering all the times he had laughed with the couple. "PJ and Jo are friends with everyone in the station, and the wider community. They are a warm and loving couple, who both are tough buggers," he let out his larrikin laugh and the guests joined in. "They've been through a lot. There were so many times that things went wrong, and even seemed like they would never get better, but PJ and Jo got through. I believe the strength of their love made it happen. They are the perfect couple, perfect for each other, and great friends to us all." Jo was smiling broadly in Jonesy's direction, her eyes glistening, while PJ gripped Jo's hand harder and they rested their intertwined hands on the table. "PJ and Jo have obviously worked with a lot of people over their years of policing, and not too many of their colleagues forgot them when they parted ways for whichever reason," Jonesy looked down for a moment and opened up his jacket, revealing the bundle of telegrams he had stowed there. "I want to share with the guests here tonight some of the well wishes." The guests clapped loudly and encouraged Jonesy on, and with a smile he unfolded a telegram. '"PJ and Jo,"' he began. '"Before I say anything, I want to congratulate you on your marriage today. I am thrilled for you and saddened that I can't be there with you both, helping you celebrate your special day."' Jo's lashes blinked furiously as she realised who it was from. Jonesy continued, his voice clear and precise, and the guests held onto every word. '"I had the privilege of working with the two of you for several years, and I say without hesitation what fantastic years they were. In Mt Thomas, the people are more welcoming than any stranger would ever be able to imagine, and I settled in easily, but was helped along a great deal by you both. I always had a little feeling something would happen between the two of you one day, and I am stoked to hear it has finally happened. And now, with a new little bundle on the way, I know you will be the happiest couple on earth, and spend the rest of your days together perfectly content,"' even Jonesy was beginning to choke on his words and Jo was dabbing her napkin to the corners of her eyes, and noticed with a smile that Susie and Chris were doing the same. '"The magic of love is what we all dream about and set our hearts upon finding. PJ and Jo, you are both blessed to have found each other, you are now the 'special someone's' in each others lives. I wish you every happiness in the future and I know you will make brilliant parents in the months to come. Again, I am sorry I cannot be there with you today, but I send my love and heartfelt best wishes. Love Tess,"' Jonesy felt exhausted at reading the telegram. PJ stood up though, and reached across the table to shake Evan's hand firmly. The two men smiled broadly at the thought of what terrific friends they had. But Jonesy wasn't finished, and cleared his throat again, trying to ignore the teary eyes that filled the room, so that his tears wouldn't be bought on. He looked at PJ and Jo with a look of admiration. "It's difficult to explain to those who don't spend everyday with PJ and Jo like I do, how perfect they are for each other, and so I'm not going to go on making a fool of myself standing up here trying to do that," again the crowd gave a hoot, their tears drying. "So I'd like you to raise your glasses and toast the newlyweds, who we all know are going to spend the rest of their lives together, blissfully by each others sides." The guests raised their glasses, and as a further toast stood up and cheered the couple. "To PJ and Jo!" Ben yelled. "To PJ and Jo!" the guests responded heartily and raised their glasses even higher. With that Ben stood and motioned to the couple. "I think it is high time the newlyweds shared their first dance as Mr and Mrs Hasham," Ben smiled in their direction and Jo was lost for words. The kindness of her friends was overwhelming her. But by her side, PJ stood and offered his hand to her. "Let's dance," he whispered. She took his hand and stood too and he quickly pulled her to him in a quick embrace before they left the table for the dance floor. "I love the feel of you right next to me Jo," PJ beamed at his wife and led her onto the dance floor. A slow, sweet version of 'Love is in the Air' came on, and PJ and Jo remained close. She draped her arms around his neck loosely and rested her forehead against his and they looked into each others eyes, their noses almost touching. Jo could almost taste PJ's breath as they danced slowly together, forgetting there was anyone else in the room. They felt like they were in a world of their own, nobody but themselves. They swayed gently to the music and gradually became aware of the other guests dancing around them. Over at the bridal table, Jonesy plucked up his courage and extended his hand to Susie. "Would you like to dance?" he asked shyly, his courage all gone after delivering the telegrams. "Of course," Susie whispered in reply. Evan took her hand and led her into the centre of the crowd of guests and pulled her close to him, trying to let her know his feelings without actually having to say anything. Susie understood immediately and smiled at Evan as they danced. Later, Chris gathered the women of the crowd into the centre of the room, and Jo turned her back to them, ready to hurl her bouquet over her shoulder. She looked over her shoulder at them and smiled. "One...two...three!" she tossed the bouquet high into the air and spun around to see who the lucky recipient was. Millions of pairs of arms reached up, but one slender pair of hands caught the bouquet of lilies. Susie smiled and held the bouquet closely to her chest. She felt like it was time to move on from Brad, and maybe her catching the bouquet was the beginning of a fresh start for her, she thought. Evan skidded across the room to where Susie stood, shocked at her catch, and spun her around past the table where she dropped the bouquet and led her onto the dance floor once more. Susie found herself to be happy in Evan's arms and laughed as he spun her around in amongst the guests. Nearby PJ and Jo were once again embraced and as Jo heard the first words of the Beatles classic, she kissed PJ tenderly on the lips. "We're married and we're going to have a baby," PJ whispered, bewildered, his warm breath felt sweet on her face. "We are," Jo could hardly believe it either. "I will always love you," she whispered, smiling. "Forever." Love, Love, Love.
Love, Love, Love.
Love, Love, Love. There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game.
It's easy. Nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time.
It's easy. All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need. All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need. Nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy. All you need is love.
All you need is love.
All you need is love, love.
Love is all you need.