A/N: I got a review protesting a certain prejudice one of my characters holds. It's nothing personal, just an illustration of one of those weird Pittsburgh beliefs, and I actually think Yoko did some really neat things in the recording studio. Even Alan Parsons commented on her skill as a creative force. Pittsburghers don't really like Yoko Ono much, or at least we say we don't because we love to have someone to blame things on and we hate admitting that we're being gits. But we are. So here you go.

Chapter Twelve: When Bunnies Attack

"Twenty-one."

"How the hell are you doing that?" Cass gave Snape her cards and waited for him to deal again. "Don't even ask. I'll hit."

"As simple as it is, I will say, I like this game."

"You're winning. Of course you like it now." The welt-covered American picked up and ate another chocolate-covered nut. "Used to be my favorite 'til I taught you." She made a face.

"Pecan?"

"Yep. I like the almonds best, not those wrinkly nuts."

"Peanuts are good."

"You know they're really beans?"

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. We had a President once who liked to grow the things."

"I remember that. Didn't a rabbit chase him once?"

"While he was swimming, yeah."

"Some good that Muggle army is. Can't even protect world leaders from bunnies."

"Hey, bunny rabbits are dangerous! Didn't you see 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail'?"

"Actually, yes. I enjoyed it immensely, too." Snape's face was perfectly straight.

"You know, it wouldn't kill you to laugh."

"It might," he contradicted jokingly.

"What if rabbits were to attack France?" Cass asked a moment later, trying to crack him up.

"It would be a boon to the fashion industry and those anti-fur hippies would throw a fit."

"My father used to have a PETA bumper sticker."

"What's that?"

"Goes on the back of your car. His was People for the Eating of Tasty Animals, though. Got it as a joke present from some other professor."

"What exactly does your father teach, Cassandra?"

"English, but he sometimes does enders in History."

"Enders?"

"Weekend courses. Kind of an extra-money job. He taught the English Civil War to buy me my first two-wheeler."

"How old were you?"

"Five."

"Oh, you mean a bicycle."

"Smutty Brits," Cass observed. "If it isn't men in plaid pants asking John if they can bum a fag, it's large-breasted and scantily clothed women in Hogsmeade inviting me to come knock them up."

And Snape finally laughed.

"Does the sound of laughter assail my ears?" Professor Trelawney inquired, floating into the Hospital Wing with a more than usually melancholy look. "I fear the frivolity of everyday mirth clouds my Inner Eye."

"Have you tried some drops for it?" Cass asked.

"I came to speak to Professor Snape, actually," Trelawney remarked crisply. It was plain she resented Cass. "I find myself again in need of a certain nostrum which only he can provide."

"I'll have Dobby run it up to your room later, Sibyll."

"My thanks, Severus," Trelawney purred. "If you would care to deliver it personally, I believe I could –er, read your palm later."

"I'm afraid I have my sixth-year project today."

"A pity." The glittering woman patted Snape on the shoulder. "I must away to the Orb –the Sight beckons." She fluttered out.

"Holy shit, Sevvy, she just hit on you!"

"It happens at this time of the month."

"Oh, gross!"

"Calm down, Cassandra. Sibyll suffers from allergies, for which reason she secludes herself. The potion that controls her symptoms always clouds her judgement."

"Makes her randy as a stoat, you mean."

"You could say that."

"If she's got allergies, why all the incense?"

"It's to keep pollen out of her tower."

"Sure." Cass snorted. "I bet it's to sedate all the Gryffie boys."

"Why not the Slytherins?"

"Because the blond one's the only one worth shagging and until he removes his head from his ass he won't be suitable."

"You are biased."

"And you wear too much black. Blue would suit your coloring just as well."

Hermione stepped into the room, looking more than a little shy after the previous night's events. "What do you think, 'Mione? Blue for Sev?"

"I don't know..." Hermione looked at her potions teacher almost hopefully. "I think he looks okay in black."

"Yeah, but don't you think a little color might brighten things up?"Cass gestured at Snape and suddenly seemed to realize something. "Say, do you two think you could find a certain book for me at Flourish and Blotts?"

"Which one?" Snape asked.

"'The Unabridged History of American Muggles'...I need the wizarding point of view."

"I can get it for you, Cassandra," Snape replied.

"But I need 'Mione to find me –something else."

"I can find whatever you want, Cass-"

"Not this. It's a female –I mean a Muggle thing."

"Oh. Shall we go right now, then?" Hermione asked.

"Why not?" Snape asked rhetorically. "We'll talk Potions on the way. I'll run get a broom while you and Cassandra figure out what it is you need to get." With a wry sort of almost-smile, Snape left. Hermione looked at Cass the way she sometimes looked at Harry and Ron when they had screwed something up royally.

"You..."

"What? I can't find any Tampax here."

"You deliberately planned that!"

"Planned what?"

"You're sending Severus and I out together alone!"

"Aww, 'Mione, you call him Severus..." Cass teased. "Why can't you just thank me for being a goddess and go borrow a frisky little miniskirt from Ginny?"

"Miniskirt?" Ron asked, appearing at the door in horror. "Ginny owns a miniskirt?"

"Several, actually, including a leather one," his sister clarified.

"Mum's going to kill you!" the outraged brother cried.

"Nope. She taught me how to transfigure them in the first place, Ron."

"Speaking of, can you work your magic on Hermione?" Cass asked. Ginny cracked her knuckles and took aim.

"Smoldering temptress?" she inquired hopefully.

"Ginny! Put that wand away!" Ron barked. "Where is she going that you want her tarted up?"

"Ron, I'm a professor. Don't mess with me."

"She's making me go to Diagon Alley with Professor Snape."

"But professor Cass!" Ron protested. "And here I was going to convince you to run away with me! What do you have to go and do that for?"

"I need some personal items, Ron. Girl stuff."

Ron abruptly went ashen and put the flowers down on Cass's night table.

"Don't enlighten me. I'll be back later." With that, he was gone.

"How convenient men's great fear of tampons is," Ginny soliloquized. "So, do you think the snakeskin one'd be appropriate?"

"Ginny! This is not a date with my crush!" Hermione protested.

"I can do it in Slytherin green and make you a top to match."

There was a pause and then Hermione smiled mischievously.

"Do it."

"Smoldering temptress rides again!" Cass exulted. "I am a goddess, setting you two up."

"He's my teacher!" Hermione reminded her. "And you had nothing to do with the kiss last night."

"Of course I had –what?" Cass's and Ginny's eyes lit up. "You kissed him?"

"About fucking time, in my opinion," Ginny remarked. The other girls looked at her. "What? You've been dreaming about the git since you started your project."

"But he's my teacher!" Hermione did seem to be in the midst of great internal upheaval. "It's like, morally wrong to be liking him!"

"Oh, no, it's not," Ginny responded airily. "Dad was Muggle Studies teacher when Mum was in seventh year. He's exactly four years older."

"Why does that explain so much," Cass mumbled.

"How much older is Severus than me?"

"Aww, you keep calling him Severus..."

"Must you?" Hermione's patience with her friends was wearing thin. "He'll be back any second and –holy shit, Ginny!"

"I think you look nice in it."

"Hey, I suggested a miniskirt," Cass complained.

"I look like Salazar Slytherin's pet!" Hermione was clad in snakeskin pants that were, well, skin-tight, as well as a halter top in the same material.

"No, 'Mione, you look like Sevvy's pet." Cass was really having a time of it. "Maybe sometime later on, he will."

"Miss Granger?" Snape called suddenly, appearing at the threshold of the door. He was wearing a Muggle suit for travel, naturally in black. "Oh, dear, I seem to be underdressed." A wave of his wand turned the suit to black leather and every female's knees to goo. He picked up the broom and offered Hermione his arm. "Shall we?"

They flew out the window a few moments later. Ginny and Cass opened bottles of butterbeer. A second later, they raised them high.

"To leather pants!"

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