Chapter 2: Ruthless

Disclaimer: Ruthless Soco's baby. Degrassi Canadian television's baby. This fic my baby. Take anything, and watch yourself get bitch slapped.

Am I deserving of this? Yes, I imagine I am. I deserve to watch my ex-girlfriend stomp all over me, and of course I can't say anything since my new girlfriend is watching me like a hawk. She. is. dating. JT. Yorke. I've said it to myself about 7,000 times. I mean, where in the hell did this come from? Manny with JT, I was bracing myself for. I can't believe the guys made fun of me for being a cradle robber. What is this? I ask you again, what. is. this?

I tighten my grip around Manny's waist and smile bigger, hoping someone other than Manny will notice. Someone, like say, Ashley? I don't even think I want her. All I know is that I don't want her with him. This is incredibly embarrassing. She's taking this Demi/Ashton thing way too far. I hope this is just some rebound.

Manny really is gorgeous, if you look at her. She has everything the stereotypical male is looking for, but am I really that shallow? I kiss her and stand up. She asks where I'm going. I tell her home. She informs me that it is only noon. I laugh and walk away. Hard ass Craig Manning always doing his own damn thing.

I kick my way up the stairs once I'm inside my house. This is insane. Why don't I just bring Manny with me like I want to? She is good for relieving stress. Really, I do think about Manny almost constantly. It's only those few times, when I see Ashley or a brief memory floods my thoughts, that I feel horrible. I feel I can't go on with things the way they are. It takes awhile and the deepest cleansing, but I always get the feelings out.

In my room, I feel safe, finally. Yes, I decide, Manny really should be here with me. Maybe I'll go back and get her after school and bring her here. I sit and play the guitar for awhile. I see a scrap of paper that is littered on my floor and go to pick it up. I toss it into the garbage can, give it a half glance, and see it's an old picture of Ashley. I'm talking goth days, maybe even the day of the dance. I was probably crying or something over dad, and she's just standing there, looking hurt, and I must've just snapped her picture. I turn away from it, afraid it'll burn more memories into my skull. I sit down with my guitar again, but my eyes keep glancing back to the garbage. Finally, I can't take it anymore.

I take out the trash.

"This is the only lonely picture,
Waiting on my floor,
Littering my shore."

I'm not sure where this sudden burst of Ashley came from. One minute, it's this secret, 'you tell anyone, you die' ambience, and the next, she wants to make out in front of all these people. Not like I'm complaining. A pretty girl wants to snog, you snog her.

Where did this whole snogging come from? JT Yorke, dear self, you are not, no matter how much you debate it to the contrary, British. There are plenty fine Canadian words to use in this situation. Oh, who am I kidding? I love the word snog. Note to self: Tell Ashley you enjoy when she snogs you. Hope she doesn't tell you to shut your lame mouth.

So, she's kind of been professing her love all day. I hope it's not one of those situations where she's just trying to get back at Craig. I really do like her. I know what I should do. I should write this totally secretive letter, expressing in Shakespearian vocabulary how much I love to be with her. It's a romantic gesture, in a way. One she should enjoy.

"This is the last true burning letter,
Given to a girl,
Written by a boy,
Living in a world created to destroy."

"I love him," I sigh to absolutely no one in particular. Sean, who just happens to be sitting next to me in Simpson's class, gives me an absolutely wretched look. I give him a similar look back. I'm not Emma's friend anymore; I don't have to put up with his bullshit. He just sighs and looks away; of course I won, I always win.

The bell finally rings, and I start outside. Maybe I should go visit Craig? He seemed to dash out before lunch with absolutely no explanation. It was probably Ashley getting to him again. Damn her! Damn her to hell! Why did she have to go and do this? Doesn't she understand: they're over, we're together. GET. OVER. IT. I just wish he would look at me like he used to, this little secret between us, and we would run to the nearest bed, or couch, or floor; it didn't matter.

I don't have to make the decision; he's already waiting for me. I run up to him and peck him on the cheek, right in front of Ashley, no less. As he slings his arm around me and we begin walking away, I turn around. I was expecting this shocked look, but instead, she looks happy? What's with that? And, honestly JT, must you date her? She's so, used.

We find our way to his room pretty quickly, and he's on top of me as we collapse onto his bed. His mouth my God. I'm really getting into it, and then he stops. "What's wrong baby?" I ask as he rolls off of me and onto his back.

"Headache," is all he says. I go to the bathroom to grab some Advil. I go back into his room to give it to him, and he looks like he had seen a ghost.

"Sweetums," I say, nudging him a little, "what's wrong?"

"Just, I really am starting to feel sick. I shouldn't have brought you here." The last statement lingers in the air for a long time.

"Yea," I say, breaking the silence. "I have homework. I'll see you tomorrow, or something. If you're sick I'll just see you when you come back."

"I'm sorry Manny," he says. And he looks so sad and lost, like a puppy, that I just smile.

"Another time."

"But if I built you a city,
would you let me?
Would you tear it down?"

I fall onto my bed and pump myself for a long nap. Unfortunately, the people of the world are not with me on this one. I hear a knock at the door downstairs, and hoping to God it's Ashley, I run down to open it. Just my luck: Manuella Santos.

"And you're here, why?" I ask. It's not that I hate Manny. Really. I mean, the girl just can't go around interrupting people's naps. The only person able to do that is a girlfriend who's in the mood for snogging.

"JT, cut that crap," she says, pushing her way past me. She hops on to my couch. My eyes narrow into slits, like a cat. "I just wanted to hang." Hang? Is she serious?

"Well, you hang," I say, mocking her last word. "I'm taking a nap." I walk up the stairs, actually not caring whether Manny stayed or left.

"JT," she whines, overemphasizing the last syllable like a two year old. I ignore her and slam my door. I start to drift when she slams my door open, standing in the doorway, hands on hips. "Why does it have to be like this?"

"Because I'm tired."

"I feel like I have the plague or something." That's another thing about Manny. She is so dramatic about everything. I remember, just last week, she told me the way I was acting was "absolutely wretched." I told her that somebody needed to shut her cable off.

She sits at the end of my bed in a huff. "Doesn't anybody care?"

I'm really beyond agitated at this point. I stand up and start to raise my voice, just so she understands the severity. "No, Manny, no one does. Honestly, you think that everybody's out to get you, but we're not. You're just annoying. A-NNOY-ING. Please. You walk around with your hands on your hips and your 'holier than thou' tone, but no one's buying it. No one wants to deal with your petty and melodramatic immaturity. You just need to start thinking that maybe, sometimes, when people tell you to leave, they actually mean it."

"You..." she starts, almost on the verge of tears. I don't care. "You want me to leave?"

"Now, preferably," and I lay back down. She stands there for awhile, I think a minute, or maybe five, but then turns on her heel and tries her best dramatic exit. It's too little, too late.

"But there you go for the last time,
I finally know now what I should have known then.
That I could still be ruthless if you'll let me."

I make it to school the next day, not sure how. Joey gave me about 18,000 drugs, and I gladly took each and every one of them. I think the stress is finally getting to me. This is it. I need to make Ashley listen to me. Just, for five minutes. If she just says that we can both stop going out of our way to make each other jealous, then I'll be fine. I can move on. I mean, technically, I moved on while we were still going out. But I don't have to think about that.

She's standing by the entrance, laughing with JT. I clench my fist involuntarily. Back off, slugger. He's done nothing to warrant this hatred. Before I start up the steps, he goes inside. I hurry to catch up with her. For a few seconds, we just walk next to each other. She acknowledges my presence without saying a word. "Ashley," I say, stopping. She takes a few more steps. "Ashley please stop."

"What is it, Craig?" she says, exasperated.

"I hate myself," I blurt out. She looks shocked but quickly recovers. Hell, at least she's sticking around. "I mean, well, you know. I just... Listen, Ashley, I've gotten physically sick worrying that you may never be able to look at me again without detest in your eyes. I'm not asking complete forgiveness, just give me a chance. Please."

She smiles and walks away. JT materializes out of some classroom, and she startes to walk with him. Before they disappear, she turns around and waves at me. It is a start.

"But there you go and I'm not done.
You're waving goodbye, but at least you're having fun.
The rising tide will not let you forget me,
Forget me."

Ashley Kerwin does know how to drive a guy crazy. Not me this time, though. I mean, look at her track record: Me, Sean, Craig, and now JT? No other girl at Degrassi has done that. Many girls at Degrassi haven't even dated four guys.

Wow, Ashley's still got that pizzaz that makes you fall head over heels. Of course, no girl will compare with her in my lifetime. She has that first love thing that always gets to me. Would I like to date her again? No. It would ruin this whole image of her I have from our last relationship. Sure, we had our fights and our eventual break-up, due to a really stupid thing she did, but there were just too many good times.

She came on to me again in English, in the cover of a play. Ms. Kwan, bless her, is so confused by us. I think from now on, she's not going to put us together. But at the way Ashley's going, she could make Narcissus fall in love with her.

I follow her out of English, totally confused at this point. "What's going on?" I ask her.

"Jimmy!" she says, enveloping me in the biggest hug, I think, ever.

"Good to see you, too, Ash," I say patting her back tentatively.

"You're such a good sport, I wanted you to know. Letting me just kiss you like that, without warning. A lot of other guys would've just pushed me off."

She is starting to sound like her old self, and this just confuses me more. Well, I think under the pretenses of a previous thought, I didn't want to date the new Ashley to ruin the image of the old Ashley. But if she is the old Ashley... "Well," I say, trying to sound as sly as possible, "we can practice it again, sometime, if you want." She giggles and walks away. Nice going, Brooks.

"This is the ghost that kneels before me,
Raises on her tongue, a body full of oxygen.
It won't be the last time she'll ignore me."

Physically. Ill. Want. To. Die. Send. Help.

I lay on the bathroom rug after another rousing cleansing of my intestinal tract. This is getting pretty bad. I hate the winter. Flu's are the worst.

I don't have the strength to deal with it anymore. I rest my head against the cool bathroom floor, loving the stark differences between it and my skin. I can feel different parts of my body falling unconscious. Will Joey be home soon? Might Manny come over to check on me? Doesn't anyone care about poor, useless, dying Craig?

"The thinning of my skin, without the strength to go,
The winter's setting in, to cover you in snow."

I love obstacles. It's part of my competitive nature. So, really, everyone knows I could've gone back to Craig. He's practically groveling every time I walk by. It's sick, honestly. I could, but the obstacle is not in sustaining the relationship, but it is in moving on. Leaving Craig to deal with Manny Santos. Poor kid.

JT is really very simple, but at the same time, he can blow you out of the water with his depth. I mean, if he's ever mad, I simply kiss him once, and all is forgiven. Ten minutes later, we can be in a huge philosophical discussion about our existence and he can make points you would imagine only a trained professional in the matter would bring up. He fascinates me. He's the perfect mix.

That's why I keep kissing Jimmy. Of course, it's stayed within the reasonable boundaries of my play's character. But, what would he do if it wasn't? Would he care? Yes, of course. But it would just be another challenge, and we would get over it. Of course, I'm still quite hurt by the Craig cheating scandal, so I'm not going to cheat on JT. It's just a thought.

Manny Santos. I think I'm going to play with her head. I enjoy it. JT told me he already told her off. It is such a cute story, I couldn't help but sharing with Paige. Paige! Paige laughed for a whole minute and said "Ashley, that is by far the best thing your little boyfriend has ever done. Keep him around. I'm definitely liking his new attitude."

I hate Paige. But I keep her around, just for the moments like these. And that bonfire. That was pretty good. I guess I don't totally hate Paige. I might even be acting more like her. Is that bad? Oh well. Another obstacle.

"I'll raise towers and climb them,
Rivers and walk them,
Oceans to drown in,
You won't make a sound in."