Chapter 4: Anthem of our Dying Day

Dis: AODD was created for us by Story of the Year. Degrassi was created for us by Canadian televisioning. This fic was created for the purpose of pleasing me, and hopefully giving you all something interesting to read. The Client(book) was created by J. Grisham and the movie by a bunch of people no one cares aboot. Sorry creators, I liked it. The Virgin Suicides was formed in the brilliant mind of Jeffrey Eugenides(book) who I may one day get to meet and rape the brain of. Because of his brilliance and Sofia Coppola who made the awesome TVS movie.

Please note this is many moons after my last chapter. This is after Take On Me and all that good stuff...

I love Ashley Kerwin and Marco del Rossi. I love them more than they will ever know, but I can't stay with this just for them. For once, I'm going to do something for myself. She was drunk, what can I say? I know that it's my excuse for pretty much everything: mom is sick, I can't go out. She passed out, and I just stared at her in disgust like I did everyday. But, this time it was different. Her car, the '92 Camry that looks like it's been to hell and back(it has), needed to pay it's service to me. I drove. I drove and I drove. I didn't know where to, but I had my passport in case I ended up at the border.

Well, I don't end up remotely near the border. I drive, stopping once for six hours of sleep in the back of my car at a rest stop. When I make sense of anything, I'm at this quiet little beach in Massachusetts. That's where I am now. I've been here for almost two hours, but I'm not moving. I'm wrapped in four blankets. It's cold. I'm always cold, but I think everyone would be cold here. The blankets keep me from having to deal with the scars or any part of my body.

The water is cold, too. I checked. I knew it would be, but I wanted to go out and touch the water. It's so, refreshing. Water I guess is the definition of what refreshing should be. I just thought that statement might sound different coming from me, at this time, when you know... after everything that's happened, I'll just say that.

I watched 'The Client' a few months ago. That's where the idea came from. I mean, I've known forever that you can, well, one who sits in a garage with a running car will eventually run out of oxygen from the exhaust or something. But this guy did it in the middle of the country, by attaching a hose to the exhaust pipe and leading it back into the car. He was huge and hairy and wonderful, and I understand him. He would understand me too, this fictional character. We could be great friends and have this exotic rent-controlled apartment overlooking Central Park.

Alright, I'll admit it to you now, the exhaust is coming into the car. But don't tell Ashley or Marco, they'll just keep pulling it out like that damned kid in The Client. The one who has to get mafia smart in like, five days, but he does it. That's when you realize it's a movie.

God, how much I hated that movie, except for the first part. I didn't like the kid. He reminded me of Sean: always smoking and trying to act like a hard ass even though he was like, eleven.

I hope everyone in school buzzes about this. I hope Paige Michalchuk just shuts up because she knew I was fucked, and she has to live with that. I hope they all go "What was that Ellie Nash thinking when she killed herself?" And they'll whisper the last two words like they're spreading the plague or something.

I debated about the whole suicide note thing the entire way down here. I decided on no, for whatever reasons I had(I can't remember them now). Maybe I should just write 'I thought about the Client' but no, then they'll think I have a client, or something. I'm not in the mafia. I'm not a stoner. I don't have clients.

I remember this other movie once. It was called the Virgin Suicides. And these five sisters all kill themselves, four on the same day. The really pretty one, Lux, died in the car with the exhaust in the garage and all that. It was so cool, her hand was limp out the window, holding a lit cigarette; that's how they found her. I can't do that, though, because I don't have a garage. I could go back. But then I wouldn't have an ocean. Oh, oh. Oh...

"The stars will cry the blackest tears tonight,
And this is the moment that I live for.
I can smell the ocean air."

She's gone.

What more is there to think about? There's no point to any thoughts. These aren't my thoughts. These are fillers so I can look like I'm thinking about something when I'm not. It's too much to ask.

She took me to the roof once under the pretense that I not tell a soul. I laughed, both of us knowing I would tell Dylan the minute she was out of earshot. How it seems so easy to pass the day up here now. Class is suspended for us anyways, as far as I knew. It doesn't matter. No one cares anymore.

I throw rocks at the sky for awhile, but that quickly fades as the noise begins to remind me of anguish and pain, and then her. She is the end all and be all. We all wonder what we could've done, and that thought will drive us all insane. I try to avoid it. There's no way to avoid this flood that comes over you, and vanishes like that. The aftermath is still there, you still realize she's gone, and you can't help but break. Break for Ellie.

I find a bag of colored rocks, maybe for lawn decorating purposes?, a few minutes ago. I've started to form them into words, MASH style. "I Love You, Ellie Nash" takes me about an hour, this including a search for a few more bags of colored rocks, scattered upon the rooftop. She's gone, but will she ever be forgotten?

"Here I am pouring my heart onto these rooftops,
Just a ghost to the world.
Thats exactly,
Exactly what I need..."

Deep breaths. You must remember to breathe. Hold it in, let it out. You can't let them see you cry. You're not hurt. You can't cry. You won't.

"Sean, are you okay?" a girl asks, passing on the way to her seat.

"Dandy," I respond. It comes unnaturally, and I know I need to get out. I can't think of anywhere that's not flooding with grieving kids. None of you knew her. You didn't know her like I did, like Marco did, like Ashley did... You didn't know her. God, this is so pathetic, Cameron. You can't even bring your thoughts to the girl. The girl who saved you, in the process killing herself.

I stumble upon the roof haphazardly after wandering for about 15 minutes. At least it will be quiet up here, right? No one will expect to sympathize. No one will know. I can just leave. But, it's not the same. I have nowhere to go.

That's when I see him. He's not crying either. I thought he would be. I thought it's what they do. He has a right to. More than I do. I don't know if I should go over to him. He hasn't seen me yet, maybe I should just leave. Damn, he sees me. He registers my presence, and goes back to staring out at the city.

Jay and this kid's queer boyfriend have had some pretty rough deals. He hates me. I mean, I made him hate me. I didn't realize that my hurting of Ellie Nash could turn into my hurting of Marco del Rossi, but to tell the truth, I didn't care and would've done it anyway.

That's when I notice it. The rocks. They were formed into words, that I have a hard time reading. Not only because I'm not far enough away to get the ariel view, but I'm reading them upside down. When I make it out, I can't help myself. Tears come, and Marco looks up. I don't brush them away. I make my way to him and sit, staring at it some more. We both start crying. There's no way we're going to stop now. I don't know why, but I want to hug him so bad. We need to share this. After I grab him, we grip each other for dear life and the sobbing gets louder. "I loved her so much," I manage. "I love her."

I'm not sure when we stopped holding on to each other. All I remember is waking up, and it's dark. I start to panic, because it's dark, and it's obviously not the day, and I have to be alone because no one would stay up here with me. I stand up and brush myself off, and that's when I see him. He's sitting at the edge, staring again, and it's this creepy feeling because you can see the city and it's shining at us, and we both stare like we're in some kind of trance. "We can get out. I checked." It's the only words he's spoken to me, and I feel kind of relieved. We start to walk home, and it's bitterly cold. I still have no clue what to say, but the pressure's off. We don't need to talk. We know that we won't lose each other now. We're the only ones who loved Ellie to the extent that we would die for her, save Ashley. But you never know with her. And I screwed up. So, I can see how Marco feels alone. But it's comforting, for me at least, to know that someone else is feeling the same pain I am.

"From up here the city lights burn,
Like a thousand miles of fire.
And I'm here to sing this anthem of our dying day..."

Paige drags me to the park after homeroom. It is another one of those up-and-leave things that we are allowed (read:supposed) to do. I hate Paige right now. I can't put my finger on it. I don't even mind that she is acting like she was Ellie's best friend to the entire school. I just want to hit her.

"It's just so awful," she manages between sobs. I haven't seen her with a dry eye since I told her a couple nights ago. "I found out about her cutting, and it was like 'oh God, how could someone do that' and now.... You know what? This one night, it was after the rape when I would stay up all night to avoid having to have any dreams. I was watching Crossing Over, that weird show where this guy talks to the dead. And he was talking about suicide, and he was like 'never do it because you'll have to deal with these problems over there, too.' Isn't that completely awful? Like, if she went this far, I at least want things to be better over there."

She's rambling, and I'm sure she's aware of it, but this fact doesn't make her stop. I haven't felt this blow yet. I want to run away from Paige and run to tell Ellie how much of a bitch she is. No, I wouldn't. I'm lying to myself! I would tell JT first, and if he didn't listen, maybe Ellie. Ellie, who has been there through everything. My dear, sweet Ellie. I couldn't even tell you that Paige was a bitch? Wow. I'm lower than scum. I can't even believe who I am anymore.

How could I do this to her? I should've seen her downfall. I should've noticed. Instead, I was too busy almost making love to JT, before we both realized how silly we were for even thinking about it(neither of us had a condom). This whole time that I thought she was getting better, she was slipping between the cracks. I wonder how many of her scars I caused...

Paige has totally stopped talking now. She's making horribly loud sobbing noises, almost like a cat coughing up a hair ball. She's gasping for air, and I want to cut her supply off. But I hug her. I do what I'm supposed to. She grips onto my shoulders, and I cry with her.

But I don't feel like crying.

"For a second I wish the tide,
will swallow every inch of the city,
As you gasp for air tonight."

(addressed totally to Ellie)

I know I messed up! I know I flipped out and I screwed up and I know I will keep screwing up my relationships like I did with you and Emma. I KNOW! I know, I know. I know and I know, I know. I know! I know. I know and I have no idea why. You knew I would do it though. You set me up for failure. I couldn't stand up to your wild expectations... of being there for you.

I'm sorry. I just don't know why I did what I did and we got where we got. It was just me, drinking and being Sean Cameron. What else do you want me to say? I drove you to suicide? Is that what you want? Alright. I did it. But I never thought anyone would do that. It's so, crazy. Not that you're crazy. Even now, you're so sane but so burdened. I want to take your burdens and carry them and watch you come back. You need to come back. I can't do this without you.

Do you remember when we had that massive fight outside of your house and you stormed up into your room and I stood outside and screamed until you opened your window and threw a CD at me? I KNOW you picked it on purpose. It was Linkin Park, the only thing we would both listen to, even though neither of us were madly in love with them. And, for the next twenty days I listened to Numb and couldn't stop thinking about you.

So, come back, Ellie. I'll sing you Numb. You'll forgive me and we'll be better. I promise I won't drink, and I'll be good. I won't steal! I won't do anything. I'll get straight A's. I'll do anything. Please come back. I need you. Please... Please Ellie Nash. Please save me. I love you!

I fucking love you, kid.

"I'd scream this song right in your face if you were here.
Cause then I wont miss a beat cause I never,
Never have before..."

It's all my fucking fault, and I won't listen to anyone who says differently. I knew she cut and I knew she was depressed, but did I do anything? This is all on me. Terri's problems are all on me, too. I can't believe she's not here anymore because of me. Well, I guess neither of them are here, meaning Degrassi, although Terri is here, alive here.

I know what it's like now. I know what it's like to just want to scream your sobs to the world and pound on the ground until you start to bleed or the ground finally takes you in. I know! Ashley, it's OK! You can go crazy now, I know! I won't stop you. We all deserve a little bit of crazy.

Dylan comes in my room and asks me to go outside because I'm making too much noise. I don't want to go walk around, or even drive around, so I tell him that we can go on the roof. There's this separate little roof on our house that you can get to by climbing out a window, and Dylan and I always talk there. He takes me out there tonight, and I break down again. It is easier than the rape, because everyone knows. Dylan can just hold me and comfort me and tell me that someday, I'll be able to think about her without totally freaking out, and maybe even smile because of the good times.

He doesn't know. There were no good times. The only time we talked was when I was checking up on her, which would drive a person to insanity, now that I take time to think about it. I screwed up. I can't believe how badly I, Paige Michalchuk, screwed up. I screwed up so badly that someone is dead because of me. Wherever she is, she has to know I want her to come back to us.

Dylan's finally getting me to calm down. Everything's still blurry, but the lights are beckoning me to a new beginning, for Ellie's sake. I don't know if I'll ever be able to be there for Ashley, or if Dylan can be there for Marco, but he is so good at being there for me that I know he can be of service.

It's all going to be okay. My heart's on fire, but someday, somehow, I'll come to peace with the life and death of Ellie Nash.

"From up here the city lights burn,
Like a thousand miles of fire.
And I'm here to sing this anthem of our dying day..."

The entire school has gone off their rockers. So Ellie Nash died? So what? Just another statistic. All anyone's been doing is crying and grieving and STOP IT! I'm so tired of it already. Your crying won't make her come back. In fact, if it was possible(it's not, of course, but oh well) then she wouldn't come back to all this misery. Even if it is over her. Ugh. This whole thing has gotten out of hand.

I know this much from a devout Catholic background(I screwed that up pretty bad), Noah had an arc because God flooded the world. Dear God, I'm not asking for the world. Only for Degrassi. Make them realize that life goes on, after Ellie Nash. Thank You, Manuella Santos.

"For a second I wish the tide,
would swallow every inch of this city,
As you gasped for air tonight..."