Chapter 5: View From Heaven

Disclaimer: I disclaim 'View From Heaven' to Yellowcard. I disclaim 'Degrassi' to Canadian television. K, me, the wonderfully awful songwriter, wants to thank Unwritten Law for the song 'Cailin' which inspired 'Craig's Song' in this chapter.

I haven't slept in days. Her funeral's tomorrow, erm, today, in about six hours. I don't know what I'm going to say. Degrassi got excused out of school to be there, so I'm guessing a lot of people will go. A lot of people who will hang on my every word, which will probably be ad libbed. I don't know how you're supposed to condense a friendship and then complete and utter torture at the loss of this friendship into one little speech. I'll never make it.

Maybe I just won't go. I mean, everyone would understand, right? Of course, they'd probably talk. "Marco Del Rossi, I thought they were friends. Why isn't he here?"

There's also the matter of Ashley. I think she needs me there. I mean, I won't get through this without her. And I don't think she can without me, either. Maybe I'm just fooling myself. Maybe no one needs me.

Except Sean.

God, the things your sleep deprived brain thinks of. Sean? Sean Cameron? Why would he need me? The questions, the thoughts... But Sean Cameron does need me. He doesn't have to tell me, we both can feel it.

I'm so tired. I miss Ellie. Everything was clearer when she was here.

"I'm just so tired,
Won't you sing me to sleep,
and fly through my dreams?
So I can hitch a ride with you tonight."

I need out of here. You can't understand. I am no good to anyone here. I just keep screwing up and making an ass out of myself. And all I can think about is Marco Del Rossi...

He's gay for chrissakes! He's gay and proud and has a homosexual boyfriend. AND I HELD HIM IN MY ARMS. If Jay ever found out... Let's just say, if Jay ever found out, someone's throat would end up slit.

We have this amazing bond over Ellie being gone. A lot of people could easily mistake that for me being gay. I'm not. At all. In the least. I'm quite the homophobe.

These are just more reasons for me to leave. People might start to talk. That would suck. It's not that I've ever minded people talking about me before, but they've never been saying that.

I mean, hell, they're way off base. I'm not gay.

I just need to get away.

"And get away from this place,
have a new name and face.
I just ain't the same without you in my life."

I can't believe myself. It's 5 AM, and I haven't gone home yet. I mean, I'm not going to. I told mom I was staying at Paige's. It's not like I'm out smoking or drinking or having sex; I'm just driving. Driving to forget Ellie, and trying to remember her all the same.

I choose not to believe that she is gone for good. She's still here. I see her when I walk towards her locker, but her form vanishes as I near it. I hear her talking when I'm at the Dot, but I turn around and no one's there. Mostly I feel her. I feel her trying to comfort me, but I'm too far past that. I need her back. My lifeline. I never realized how much I depended on her until she was gone.

God I hate this song. Where is Whisper to a Scream? I know it's on this cd somewhere. 5? No. 6? No. 7? Ahh, here it is. Ellie loved this song. We used to play it during our famous sleep overs. "We are, we are, we are but your children, finding our way around indecision. We are, we are, we are ever helpless, take us forever, a whisper to a scream." I'm screaming it a bit too loud now, screaming along with the words to bring her back so she can sing with me.

"Late night drives,
All alone in my car.
I can't help but start,
Singin' lines from all our favorite songs."

I miss her a lot. It's not just me. I miss her because if she had never left, Marco and Ashley would be okay. I know Ellie and I weren't too terribly close, but she was definitely an amazing person that I should've been able to spend more time with.

And now I'm lost. I want to make Ashley better single handedly. It's not my place, I mean the girl doesn't even talk to me, but it's what I want. I want to give her something that will make her able to grieve and move on. She deserves at least that much.

I've been working on this song for a few days now. I want to sing it at the funeral; I want to sing it to Ashley. I want her to know I still care, and that I want her to finally be able to move on from all the heartache in her life. Especially that which I inflicted.

(Craig's song)

"Hey little girl with tears brimmin' her eyes

Are you having another bad day now?

Come walk with me, you won't have to worry

No matter what, I'll rid you of that scowl

If you'll just come back

If you'll just come back to us

If you'll just come back

Won't you just come back to us?

I know it's all lookin' cold and grey but

It breaks my heart to have to see you cry

I can't promise that you'll never be lonely

But put your hand in mine and give it a try

We're alone without you

We don't know where to go

What to do, what to say

I'll pick you up from low

If you'll just come back

If you'll just come back to us

If you'll just come back

Won't you just come back to us?"

(end Craig's song)

"And melodies in the air,
Singing life just aint fair.
Sometimes I still just can't believe you're gone."

I'm trying to stop fidgeting, but I'm just so nervous. Why did I ever agree to do this? Maybe foolish dreams that she would come back if she heard my heartfelt plea in front of everyone. It's so weird being here, in this funeral home, packed to the brim and spilling out because everyone that's anyone is here, and still feeling so lonely. So desperate and alone. Dylan's standing to my right(there wasn't enough chairs for him) and Ash's sitting on my left. These people who mean the world to me can't even shake off their own grief, let alone mine. Why is it so hard to just accept what Ellie wanted? Maybe it's hard because we'd have to accept that what Ellie wanted was to get away from us.

Somewhere in the distance, my name is being called. Ashley puts her hand on my knee and rubs for a few seconds while I take as many deep breaths as I can(some call it hyperventilating). I'm walking past the rows, trying not to make eye contact with her mother in the front row. Bitch. I look up, past the first rows, and make eye contact with Ash. I wrote this speech for her, and she told me just to keep eye contact with her as I read so I wouldn't get overly emotional.

"Ellie Nash," I say placing one hand on the casket behind me. It's not open now, but it was yesterday. They made her look wonderful. Ashley and I got to pick out the clothes since her mom was too busy. I found a remarkable black dress that she had probably only worn once. It was simple and classic, but still very Ellie. "Ellie Nash is my best friend." I had trouble with verb tense here, decided is was a better choice because she will always be my best friend. "She was one of the most down to earth people anyone would ever want to meet. If you were as lucky as I am to be one of her close friends, you know how burdened she was." I took my eyes off of Ashley for the briefest second and fixed them on Mrs. Nash before returning my gaze to Ash. "She would never place these burdens on her friends, instead trying to deal with everything herself. This is why Ellie is no longer with us." Ashley was tearing up, and I felt myself doing the same, so I hurried to end the eulogy. "Ellie Nash, we love you, yesterday, today, and tomorrow." I made my way back to Ashley and Dylan. After Ashley handed me a few tissues and I dried my eyes, I reach for her hand. I feel a bit lighter now that I had done that. I smile up towards the ceiling. I see the ceiling open and the sky shine through. Her face gradually appears, and I smile up to her. She smiles back. She finally feels loved.

"And I'm sure the view from heaven,
Beats the hell out of mine here.
And if we all believe in heaven,
Maybe we'll make it through one more year,
Down here."

Marco's speech was amazing. I wish I could be Ashley right now and be comforting him. However, I don't even think I'm wanted here. I mean, for chrissakes, I'm hiding myself in the back row, hoping no one will stare at me with their heartless eyes. Eyes that tell me to leave. I hurt her. I caused this. No one will forgive me; no one can forgive me. Every whisper in every row is about me. Every sideways glance is mocking me.

"Is that Sean Cameron?"

"Oh, the jackass?"

"Didn't he break her heart?"

"Didn't he steal her soul?"

"Why is he here?"

"He doesn't even miss her."

"I heard he's gay."

Stop it. Stop it. Please stop. Everyone stop torturing me. I didn't mean to break her heart. I didn't mean to, I swear. I'm not gay, either! I just miss Ellie, and so does he... Please! Please everyone stop. "Stop!" I finally cry out loud. The pews in front of me turn around and stare wide-eyed. No one in front of them heard, thank God. I put my head in my hands. The curious spectators turn back around, but JT, who is sitting next to me, shakes my head up.

"What was that about?" he whispers. JT has some kind of agenda, I can tell. He doesn't want me here, either. He knows. He knows everything. His eyes are incriminating me. His hands on my wrist are incarcerating me. My entire body tries to struggle out of his grasp, but I'm too weak. Too emotionally weak. Finally, I stop. "What was that about?" he reiterates. Don't make me admit it.

"I'm just," I start but can't find the words. "I'm just fucked up a little, that's all." He glares at me but slowly releases his grip. By this time, the service is over and people are clearing out. "Sorry," I mumble as I walk straight out the back doors and run, picking up speed and momentum as I do, towards home.

I collapse on the tracks. I lay there for a long time. It could very well be hours. Even though it's summer, it's still cold since the sun is setting. Maybe it's not cold at all. Maybe I just feel cold. I feel like I'm going through withdrawl. Well, I am, really. I'm going through withdrawl of Ellie. The fact that I'll never be able to touch her, or talk to her, or kiss her...

Suddenly, a wave of warmth floods my body. I feel at peace about Ellie, almost as if she just forgave me. "Thank, thank you," I choke out. "I just miss you, so much." A warm breeze surrounds me. I finally get back the strength to stand up. I finish walking home and collapse onto my bed. Within minutes, I'm asleep.

"Feel your fire,
When it's cold in my heart.
And things that sorta start,
Reminding me of my last night with you."

I finally let JT hold me at the cemetary. There aren't too many people here. JT and I, Marco and Dylan, Paige(minus Spinner, "he's not too good with funerals"), Jimmy and Hazel, Emma and Toby(although they aren't Emma-and-Toby, they came together), Craig(with no Manny, thank God), and Ellie's mom and an aunt. They put her casket in the ground, and we all pick up hand fulls of dirt and toss it on top.

That was hours ago, and I'm still here. It's only JT, Craig, Marco, Paige, and I now. Craig has some song or something he wants to sing, so we wanted to wait until it was just us until he played. He starts strumming on his guitar, and the second his mouth open to sing, I realize who the song's really for. Yes, the general subject is Ellie. But he stares into my eyes and some of the words were only meant for me to understand. Tears finally start to well up in my eyes, and for the first time today, I don't brush them away. I let them fall, and this opens the flood gates.

By the end of the song, I'm totally bawling, and JT has to hold me forcefully in his arms to stop me from shaking. Paige is crying, too, and Craig and JT have tears silently running down their cheeks. Marco is the only other one sobbing with me. At some point, I break away from JT and crawl over to Marco, and we hold each other.

Everyone else is ready to leave, so Marco and I force ourselves off the ground and follow them. Since I'm supposed to be driving myself, JT, Marco, and Paige(Dylan took off with the mini-van), I compose myself on the way to the car. I drop off Paige and JT, but Marco's not ready to go home yet, and neither am I.

I call home from my cell, crying again, and Kate hesitantly agrees to let me stay with Paige again. Marco does the same to his parents, but he's staying with Craig. I drive us back to the cemetery and grab a bunch of blankets I have in the back of my car.

We sit next to her grave again, laying on blankets. I tell him I would jump off my roof if I thought it would let me fly, so I could fly up to her. He tells me that if maybe he had called her that day, he might be able to talk her into letting him come, so they could do it together. "She needed to go. It's hard for us to understand, but she did. I don't think I could ever convince her to stay, but I might be able to convince her to let me go with her." This makes us both start crying again, and we hold on to each other.

Another few hours of talking goes by before either one of us lays down. We share blankets and lay next to each other, thinking somehow the warmth of each other's bodies might be comforting. When I wake up, it is daybreak and Marco's not next to me.

"I only need one more day,
Just one more chance to say,
'I wish that I had gone up with you too.'"

I wake up and Ashley is still sleeping like a baby, so I came over to her grave to sit. I stare at the freshly packed dirt, thinking that if I dug her grave out, she would wake up and thank me for saving her life. A lone tear trickles down my face at this thought. I couldn't save her. I tried so hard for so long, but I didn't understand, and I couldn't save her.

It's not fair! I never got to say goodbye! The funeral's supposed to be our last goodbye. It was peaceful and everything, but I want to say goodbye to her while she's here. I want to be with her, wherever she is. She's so selfish! How could she leave without taking me with her? That's all I want. A chance to go with her.

I would do anything if she would give me five minutes to say goodbye. Why didn't she call? Not even one of those scary, "Marco, I love you, goodbye" calls. To say goodbye back would make me feel so much lighter right now. Everything is burdening me. Ashley helps so much, but even then, we know each other is hurting, and there is no way for us to save the other.

It is Ellie's fault. She never gave us a chance. We could've helped her. We could've saved her. But she didn't want to be saved. She didn't want us to intervene. She wouldn't tell us a thing. Now, it makes me feel like a fool to have talked her ear off about Dylan when she was hurting so badly. She had no one to talk my ear off about. I thought, ya know, after Sean, that she didn't want anyone. How wrong I was.

Hearing the crunching sound of leaves behind me, I turn around and see Ashley. It's still pretty early. I know that if I wasn't with her, I wouldn't have gotten any sleep. It still isn't enough, although my mind refuses to stop grieving, even for the necessity of sleep. She looks restless, and I realize that cemetery's tend to do that to people, even me. I stand up. "Hungry?" I ask.

"I could eat," she answers.

"My treat."

"Then I can certainly eat," she says smiling.

"You won't be coming back,
And I didn't get to say goodbye.
I really wish I got to say goodbye."

After waking up to pangs of hunger, I make my way to the kitchen and find the last person I ever expect to be sitting at the breakfast table. "Hey little sis," I say, ruffling her hair as she stares at the back of a cereal box. "Why aren't you eating?"

"Don't feel like cereal," she answers flippantly. "I want some real food, but mom left early."

She's right, I feel like real food, too. "We haven't had breakfast at the Dot in awhile," I say, hinting at an idea.

"Thank God you said something before I had to tie you to the roof," she says and grabs the keys off the table. I pat my back pocket to make sure my wallet's there(it is), and we head out. It takes about three minutes to get there from our house; we used to walk there every Saturday morning instead of watching lame cartoons like all the other kids.

She finds us a table towards the middle and already my stomach's growling from the smell of all the food. I off-handedly order the usual, but Paige must look through the entire menu, and this takes her about five minutes. I look around the almost completely deserted restaurant. Too early for most people. However, the bell rings and Ashley comes in with Marco in tow. I wave them over happily, since our table could fit about six comfortably. "You guys look terrible," my sister comments cheerfully.

"Um, thanks Paige," Ashley answers giving her a sarcastic stare.

"No offense or anything. You just look like you haven't slept in days," she says, trying to compensate for her bitchy morning attitude.

"We haven't," they say, almost in unison. We all crack a smile. I'm glad Marco's out and doing something. This has been so tough on him, and he won't let me in to help him grieve. Only Ashley. Which, I have no problems with her at all, but I wish he would let me be the one.

There's the waitress, thank God. I'm so hungry. And there's no one in here, so it's not like the cooks have too many orders to make. Paige and I dive in, it's the Michalchuk gene to eat these huge meals. Ashley and Marco just push their's around on the plate. "Something wrong?" I ask with a mouth full of scrambled eggs.

"Not hungry," he says, flashing me a smile. The smile that melts my heart. I decide to drop it. He'll get better eventually. And so will Ashley. Hopefully.

"And I'm sure the view from heaven,
Beats the hell out of mine here.
And if we all believe in heaven,
Maybe we'll make it through one more year."

I stand up after having literally rolled off my bed a few minutes ago. I lay there for awhile before I get the strength to check the clock. 8:30. Great. I'm going to be late for school.

I walk into the living room and grab my book bag off the floor. Tracker's friend is asleep on the couch. "Morning!" I call waking everyone in the house up. Damn Tracker for not waking me up last night. I must've slept for 16 hours! And I bet I wouldn't have woken up until tomorrow if not for falling off the bed. I hear the friend roll over and dramatically place a pillow over his head to block out my voice. I decide to skip breakfast and just head straight for school.

Things at Degrassi aren't working out for me either. Not until I see Marco. I walk past him and whisper "Come to the roof," in a way that my lips hardly move. I keep walking and only in a deserted hallway do I turn around.

He comes, but it takes him a minute. "I can't," he says. "Sorry. I just really need to be in class right now."

"Oh," I say, trying to mask the disappointment in my voice. "Well, that's cool. I'm gonna go anyway. So, um, bye." I turn around and keep walking down the hall, hoping he'll follow me. But upon glancing back one last time, I see that he's gone.

I make my way to the roof and sit next to the colored rocks. They're still there. "God, El, everything's fucked itself up, hasn't it? You think I love him too, don't you? Well, no Ellie, I don't. I'm not going to turn out like he did. I'm better than that." I stop myself. I'm really, really not gay. She knows this. Why am I trying to convince her? "What should I do, El? I miss you. I loved you. I love you. I want to be with you, but you're not here. I can't just move on. If someone takes that for me being gay, then they're more fucked up than I am." I'm done talking to Ellie. I just want to sleep. I look around, and realizing I'm alone, I rest my head on the wall and drift off to sleep.

"I hope that all is well in heaven,
Cause it's all shot to hell down here.
I hope that I find you in heaven,
Cause I'm so,
Lost without you down here."

I feel awful. I tried to be her friend after Sean went psycho on her and cut her with a broken beer bottle. What he had done to me was much less intense, but it still hurt like hell. Mine was just emotional pain, though.

I figured she could use a friend, if nothing else. I reached out, right? She ignored me for the most part like I had the plague. I don't blame her. When I broke up with him, I didn't want anything reminding me of him in my life, either. So, we kept our distance. I knew she would come around with time.

How wrong I was. Maybe I should've made her listen. I should've pushed my way into her life. Now she's gone, and I'll never have the chance.

If I had gotten one more chance, I would've been the one to save her. Everyone else was too involved in their own problems to even notice her. Poor Ellie Nash. Poor, poor girl. I was here for you. I'm sorry you couldn't see it.

Emma Nelson, environmental crusader, now starts a new crusade: making friends with everyone.

"You won't be coming back,
And I didn't get to say goodbye.
I really wish I got to say goodbye…"