This Brilliant Dance

Chapter 6: Lovers & Liars

The disclaim starts here: 'Lovers & Liars' was recorded by Matchbook Romance. Degrassi was recorded by CTV people. Anyways, are disclaimers even necessary for fan fiction? Hmm. Well, you know I own nothing.

It's been months, but I can't forget. I'll never forget. So much has happened, but it all seems so petty. Marco and Dylan are this official couple, no big surprise there. Paige, for the most part, has totally forgotten Ellie existed. Emma's on this new crusade to befriend every person in Degrassi, including Sean Cameron, but that one's not going too well. Toby helped Liberty out of a bad break-up, and now they're dating. So, I guess, for the most part, no one's too alone.

J.T. and I are 10 months tomorrow. Wow. It doesn't seem like that long. I'm so impressed by his determination to keep me after everything I've been through. In the past ten months, I've taken him deep into the world of depression and angst, but I've also helped him grow as a man, in fact it was I who turned him into a man. J.T. is so comfortable and amazing when it comes to accepting me for who I am, no matter what that is.

But today's not about J.T. It's about another grade 10 who I'm quite worried about. As I make my way through fields and over railroad tracks(yes, I abandoned my car to walk), I am reminded of a turbulent past with the same person who I'm going to see. We tried to work ourselves out, twice, but neither time did it really work. Ever since then, I haven't seen or spoken to him much. But I watch him, knowing that someone needs too, someone other than Emma. I find myself at his door once again, and tentatively hold my fist up to the door to knock. I pull it back, about to bring it down, when the door opens. "Ashley!" he screams.

"Hey, Sean," I say shyly. He doesn't want me here. Why did I come? He doesn't want me to save him.

"What in the world? Well, come in. It's not much, but, wow! I never imagined in a hundred years you would be at my door."

I look around the house. It has a horrible stench. After Tracker moved out, I noticed Sean slipping deep into his own world. I would always hear Jay and Towerz talking about these major bashes Cameron had had the night before. I just shook my head, hoping to make the guilty thoughts leave. Luckily, he pulled himself out of that just in time to keep his student welfare. He moved a few articles of stray clothing off the couch so I could have somewhere to sit. "Do you want anything to drink?" He asks.

"Water's fine," I answer. He brings in two glasses of clear liquid, and I foolishly assume both are water. After watching him take a few sips of his, the smell of vodka and the expression on his face gives him away. "Do you mind, not doing that right now?"

"Oh," he says looking down at the glass. "Yea, sure." He goes back into the kitchen and comes back with another glass. Looking at me and nodding, he takes a gulp to let me know it's water. I'm relieved. "So, what brings you to my humble abode?"

"Just wanted to talk," I say and stand up. I walk around his 'humble abode,' fingering furniture and little trinkets, most of them broken, finally making my way over to the couch Sean's on. I sit uncomfortably close to him, but neither of us mind. "Truth is, Sean, I want us to forget about our past. I want to start over. And I want you to talk to me. I know you're having a hard time; all of us are. But we need each other. You can't cope by drinking and partying more. I can help you. I could even live here to help you get back on your feet."

He suddenly draws back. "You, want to live here?" he questions.

Bad idea, Ash. Red flags. No. Just say no. It was a stupid idea. "Yes," I answer. DAMNIT! Why did you say that?

I see his chest move with each breath. He scratches his head, probably feeling lost without his trademark beanie. "Aren't you dating J.T.?" he finally asks.

"I'm not moving in to sleep with you!" I answer immediately. "Sean," I say, touching his arm with only the slightest pressure, "I want to help you."

Out of nowhere, our lips touch. I'm pretty sure he started the kiss, but I don't care enough to stop him. I felt my body give in to him. Even after everything J.T. and I had done, he had never made love to me. We had sex, sure, but we didn't make love. There was not that other layer of wanting to die in that person's arms. When Sean made love to me, I felt whole.

Is this who I'm supposed to be with?

"Let's start out by starting over.
What did I expect?
You're no good at lying and I'm no good at comebacks."

I had sex with Ashley Kerwin. I don't even want to think about the repercussions of this one. There's always been this thing between us, but I never thought it would escalate to...that. So, I guess all these feelings I've been having for Marco are nothing real, right? I made love to Ashley. I felt happy and complete when I was with her. I know that I am attracted to girls. I enjoy being with women.

But, then again, I am attracted to Marco. Damnit! Stop thinking that! I am not! Ashley's still here. If she wakes up, she'll know something's wrong. She'll know. I need to get out of here. I make my way out very quietly, and her eyes barely twitch. Once my feet hit the ground outside, I sprint. I don't know where I'm running. I just need to get away from her, or she'll find out. She'll find out and tell Marco, and they'll both judge me. I need somewhere to go.

I don't know how, but I end up on his doorstep. I need to walk away. I need to get away from Marco. But my arm has a different plan, and I start knocking on his door. Every part of me is screaming to get away, but I stay planted there, waiting for the door to open. I hear voices. Someone's home.

He opens the door. He's wearing boxers and an old T-shirt. "Sean," he says, ushering me inside. I don't even realize it was raining until I start dripping onto his tile. "Stay right there," he orders and runs upstairs. I don't know what he's doing. I need him with me. He comes back down a minute later, armed with towels. He opens one up and bear hugs me with it. I close my eyes. What is wrong with me?

"Who were you talking to?" is the only question I can think to mutter.

"Oh, um, Dylan's here," he says, ashamed. I don't know if he's ashamed because he's homosexual and he has to admit to me, an out-spoken homophobe, that he's with another man. But, he could know. He could be ashamed because he knows I love him. Dylan's here. I can't talk. Dylan will hear. I have to get out and take Marco with me.

I try to think of any excuse to get him away from Dylan. Nothing pops to mind. Finally, I think of the only thing that he'll care about, even if it means hurting Ashley. "I just had sex," I say, but I'm not smiling. "I had sex with Ashley."

Marco's eyes get as big as moons. "Dylan!" he calls. "Dylan! Sean and I are going to have a talk, so you need to leave!"

I finally see Dylan as he gracefully descends the stairs. I stare at him until he reaches the bottom. He sees the looks on our faces. "That bad, huh?" he asks. Marco gives a half-smile. "OK, well you two talk, I'll head back home." He gives Marco one last kiss before he leaves, and it makes me want to cut his lips off with a chainsaw. "Bye."

Once he leaves, Marco gives an awkward smile to me. "We can talk upstairs," he offers. Without waiting for a response, he starts up the stairs and I follow. He sits on his bed and offers me a chair. I sit even though I don't feel like it. I feel like walking, far away from him.

"I didn't come here to talk about Ashley," I admit.

"Oh," he says. He doesn't have any idea what I mean. I must be crazy. "Well, what's up?"

"This," I mumble as I close the gap between us. He searches my face, and this drives me insane. I press my lips against him, and all the passion I've felt for him since that day on the roof is released. I part his lips with my tongue, forcing my tongue in his mouth to stop the words from coming out. He lets out a small moan, so I become even more forceful, climbing on top of him. It's the same feeling as when I did it to Ashley. I love being in control, but this is so wrong. Finally, he gets the strength to push me away. I fall on my back, not because of his push, but because I'm too ashamed in myself to look up at him.

"Sean," he starts, leaning over the side of the bed so he can look at me.

I stand up, not wanting to hear his speech. "Marco, I'm not gay," I inform him. "I just, might be bisexual." He nods slowly in agreement and reaches for my hand. I let him grab it.

"You have to tell Ashley," he finally says. "She can't break up with J.T. for someone as confused as you. Go find her." I nod slowly; he's right. I turn and walk slowly out of his house. When I get outside, the rain has stopped, but it's now dark. I wrap my jacket around me trying to keep the wind from penetrating my skin.

"You're so untouchable.
I'm oh-so-terrible at this.
I'm terrible at this, you know."

My body slowly drifts back into the realm of consciousness as I hear a door slam. I roll over slowly, but Sean's not next to me. I start to worry. Where is he? Did he leave? Why would he leave? I start to stand up, but I see Sean standing in the doorway. "I figured you'd be hungry," he says. "I brought pizza." I smile. I am hungry.

We sit across from each other in the kitchen. It's eerily quiet. He opens a beer. After seeing my face, he tilts it towards me in offering, but I shake my head no. "I wish you wouldn't do that," I say.

He shrugs. "We have to talk." I cock my head up towards him and slowly nod. "I didn't just get pizza. I went, I went to someone's house." Damnit. I cheated on J.T. for him, but he's banging some other chick? It's Sean Cameron; I should've known.

"Whose?" I manage after a minute.

"Please don't get mad," he asks. I sigh. It's not my place to be mad. After all, I'm supposed to be with J.T. I nod. "I was with Marco. Ashley, I'm sorry."

I stare at him. He went to see a friend, so what? Oh, wait a minute. He wasn't with another girl. "Sean, but you just... You're not gay."

He ran his hand through his wet hair. Has it been raining? "I'm so confused. I know you're only trying to help. What I did with you, I wanted to do." He puts his hand over his forehead, and it partially drapes his eyes. "Ashley, I like you. I want to be with you. But you need to be with J.T. He's good for you. And Marco needs to be with Dylan. And I don't know if I want to be with a girl or a boy, or both, or neither, at the same time. Maybe a hermaphrodite." He laughs, but I can't, even though I try.

Sean Cameron, I love you. I could never speak the words to you, but I do and I don't want you to be with Marco or Ellie or anyone else. I want to wrap you in my arms and call you mine. But you weren't there. You weren't there when I was sure I would fall into the sullen pit of depression. You weren't there when J.T. was. You didn't hold me at the cemetery; you didn't even GO to the cemetery! I want to slap you. I can't. I can't because you're so lost, just like a stray. I want to make your home, and I want you to want me to make your home. But you just stare at me, and you're still laughing. Why?

I'm clenching my teeth, but you're still laughing. Mocking me. I can't take it anymore. Who are you to laugh at me like you do? "What did he do?" I finally scream. "Did he suck you off? Did you do it to him? I could've done it to you, Sean!" I have no idea why I'm so mad. I'm mad because you were laughing at me. I start walking out the door, and then I start to run. I started to run, but I fell in the wet grass.

Sean followed me out. "I'm sorry Ashley," he cries. But sorry isn't good enough. I'm too weak to run back home, so I just curl into the fetal position and shake with sobs. He comes up to me, looking over me with those sympathetic eyes. He puts his arms under me, to shelter me from the cold ground. But soon, I'm lifted, and even sooner, I'm put on a bed. Even though I slept most of the day, I still crave more sleep. Before I reach total unconsciousness, I hear a voice whispering over and over, "I'm so sorry."

"Don't hold this against me.
I've already said I'm sorry.
Tell all your friends about me.
Don't hold this against me.
I've already said I'm sorry."

The phone's ringing. Answer it, Joey. Answer it, someone. My mind slowly begins to focus. It's late. The phone shouldn't be ringing. I glance at the clock. It's 1 A.M. The phone shouldn't be ringing. I click it on. "Hello?" I manage.

"Craig?" the voice asks.

"Yea," I answer.

"This is Kate Isaacs, Ashley's mother."

"Oh, hello, Mrs. Isaacs," I answer. I'm so confused. It's so early.

"Ashley wouldn't happen to be with you, is she?"

"Nope. I haven't seen her in a few weeks," I answer truthfully. "Is Ash missing?"

"She didn't come home tonight. Her curfew is midnight. She didn't get in, so I called her cell, but she didn't answer. Her car is here, so I don't know where she might be."

"Did you try J.T.?" I ask, but I immediately want to take it back. J.T. is her boyfriend, of course she tried there! Are you insane? You are nothing to Ashley Kerwin or Kate Isaacs. You are a last ditch effort.

"Yes, I called him awhile ago. Well, if you hear anything, Craig, please give me a call. Or, if you see her, tell her to come home."

"Of course, Mrs. Isaacs. Good-bye."

I click the phone off, and the thoughts begin racing. Is Ashley OK? Where is she? What is she doing? I decide to stand up and change, but before I get a chance, the phone rings again. "Hello," I say before the second ring.

"Craig!" It's Marco. He sounds upset.

"You have to go get Ashley. She's at Sean's. He's not answering the phone, and I'm not allowed out. Please, go."

"How, why is she there?" I ask.

"Please, don't ask questions, just go," Marco answers. Before I get a chance to refute him, he hangs up.

I drag my body up and throw on pants but leave my old, plain, white T on. I bury my feet in a pair of sandals. I walk out into the hallway, where I stop and listen. Breathing and snoring. Joey and Angela are still asleep. The phone didn't bother them like it did me. I make my way downstairs and grab a pair of keys off the front table. I walk out the door, slowly shutting it behind me.

Sean's house doesn't look different at all. It has a different feeling, though. I don't know what made me pull apart from Sean, whom I had confided in after my dad and... This isn't about us. I jump out of the car and run inside. I expect them to be entwined in bed. I run into Sean's room, and he's alone. Was Marco wrong? I back out of his room, being careful not to wake him. I smell the stench of vodka radiating from his bed, but I can't care. There's only one other place she could be. I let the door to his brother's room open slowly, and there's someone asleep on his bed. I creep over to it, and it's Ashley. I breathe an audible sigh of relief.

She turns over but doesn't wake up. I'm scared to wake her. I put one arm under her and use the other to hoist her up. She feels like dead weight in my arms, but I know she's not. I make my way out to the car and barely manage to get the door open with the part of my hand still free. Finally, I get her laying down across the backseat. I walk back in and grab her bag, realizing she'll probably need it. Rummaging through it(I'm sorry Ash), I notice her cell phone. I turn it on, no wonder she didn't answer. I dial the number I memorized over a year ago. Her mom answers. "Ashley!" her mom cries. Caller ID, remember hot stuff?

"No, Kate, it's Craig."

"Craig, hi," her voice falls flat, almost to painful, realizing I've found her bag, but...

"I'm with Ashley, but she's asleep. I'm bringing her home now. I'll be there soon."

"Oh, oh thank you!" she cries joyously. I smile to myself and hang up.

I turn on the engine and set the heater on high. I ignore it blasting on my face as I pull out of the Cameron residence. "What do you think you're doing?" I hear Ashley say from the backseat.

"Driving you home. Your mom was worried."

"She knew where I was," she lies.

"Ash, I got a wake-up call at 1 A.M. from her desperately trying to find you. I got another call less than five minutes later from Marco telling me to go get you. Take it up with them if you have a problem."

"It shouldn't be you. Marco should've gotten me, or Dylan, or Jimmy, or Spinner, or J.T., or ANYONE other than you."

"Ashley, I'm sorry, but I..."

She cuts me off. "I've heard your apology so many times I can recite it by heart."

"Does it make you happy to feel so bitter?"

"Does it make you happy to cheat on your girlfriends?"

"And what were you doing with Sean?" I ask, not caring if she even was doing anything with Sean.

"Nothing, not that it's any of your God forsaken business."

The rest of the ride is silent, but upon parking, I realize it's because she fell asleep again. Instead of carrying her, I shake her awake. I want her to face her mom. I want her to be punished. Actually, I don't. I want to take her away with me, but she would protest. I don't want her waking up again in my arms.

She grabs her bag. "Thanks for the ride," she sneers.

"Ash, I told you I'm sorry, I did everything, can't you just..."

She cuts me off again. "Forgive you? Nice try, Craig." With that, she storms into her house, and I reluctantly drive away, again.

"Don't hold this against me.
I've already said I'm sorry.
And I bet you've got every word I said memorized in your head.
And you'll use every one of them against me."

God, why did he have to pick me up? Goddamnit, big thanks to you, Marco. First, you make out with a guy I just slept with, and then you call my estranged ex to come get me. Lots of good choices you made. I don't even think I hate Craig all that much. I just needed something to vent it all out on. And, there he was.

Mom snaps open the door before I reach the first step. She runs down and bear hugs me. She then leads me inside to a little pre-dawn party of Jeff, Toby, and J.T.? Oh, I don't want to deal with him. Not now. He's the first to come over and just starts french kissing me in front of my parents. I push him off, but not because they're watching. "I was just, I was scared I'd never be able to do that again," he mumbles. I don't want to tell him anything, so I just let my body melt into his arms. He's so safe. He'll keep me safe from the Kate and Jeff monsters.

Toby walks upstairs, only staying up to see me come home, not wanting to see my lecture. God, I already have a headache. Is a lecture necessary? "J.T., you can go home now," Jeff says sternly. I grimace in his arms. "Happy anniversary," he whispers as he squeezes me again and reluctantly leaves.

I take my seat on the couch and wait for them to start. "Ashley, I know this has been a difficult time for you, with the loss of Ellie and everything. However, you can't do this. Ever since her death, you've been lying to us and staying out all night, and I've let it slide. But I can't anymore. For all we know, you could've been alone tonight. Someone could've gotten you, my baby," Kate starts with the compassion as she brushes some hair out of my face.

"Mom, I was at Sean's. We talked about Ellie. It got late, and I fell asleep on his couch with the phone turned off. That's it. There wasn't a need to call in the National Guard."

"Ashley, you scared your mother and I," Jeff starts.

"JEFF, don't even! You're not my father; you don't even care. I don't want to hear your little speech just so you can impress my mom. Don't bother," I say with my voice raised.

"Jeff, you know what, Ashley and I need to have a talk. Alone," Mom says, ushering him out. "Ashley, I don't even want to know what you were doing at that boy's house. All I know is that if Craig hadn't found you..."

"Craig! Craig didn't find me, mother. Craig abducted me. I was asleep, and he came in and picked me up, and so I wake up in some car that I've never been in before! Is that what you want?"

"Yes, Ashley. I want someone to take responsibility for you."

"You don't get it."

"I don't get that you're doing these insane things, making us worry ourselves crazy, and you act like it's no big thing! Well, Ashley Kerwin, it is a big thing to me, and to Jeff, and to Toby, and apparently to J.T. and Craig!" she's screaming now. Keep screaming, mother. Keep it going. You're only feeding my rage. "And after all Jeff has done for you and this family, don't you dare ever have an attitude like that with him again! If I had half a brain, I would slap some sense into you like my mother did to me. But, no, I won't. I'm not like her."

"Oh, should I pat you on the back? Great job. You know what, I'm going to sleep. I'm tired." I push my way past her and up the stairs. The thing is, I'm not tired at all. I just want to be with Sean.

"I hope you choke on every word,
You spoke when you were screaming at me.
And realize how many times I've tried,
But that's wishful thinking."

Insane. My girlfriend has gone completely bonkers. After making my way out of their house, I found myself staring at Craig Manning. What's he doing here? "Craig!" I call out. He's pretty dazed.

"Yorke," he says, looking at me oddly. "Hey."

"Hey," I answer. Things have never been great between Craig and I. Well, to say the least. We both have the same taste in women, though. That's our only link, but the thing that had to drive us apart. "So, um, why are you here?"

"I dropped Ash off," he answers. Craig and Ash? My face distorts a little. OK, a lot. "No, I mean, Marco called, and said she was with him, but he couldn't leave and she was asleep so she wouldn't walk, and he was afraid to call her house, so I picked her up." Oh, Marco. Yea, that's cool. Totally not believable, he's sweating like a penguin in a microwave in the Sahara, but whatever. Ash wouldn't cheat on me.

"I see," I say, giving him the eye. He laughs nervously. Damn Craig, what's up with you? "I'm just glad she's back."

"Yea. Hey, well," he eyes my skateboard, "need a ride?"

"Actually," I say looking around, as though another car might appear out of thin air, "sure."

He drives the couple minutes to my house. I go to get out of the car when he stops me. "Listen, J.T., I lied. Marco did call, and I did pick up Ash..." he trails off.

"But...?" I ask.

"But she was at Sean's."

"Sean Cameron?" I ask.

"Yea," he answers.

"Oh. Well, were they together?"

"No. They were sleeping in two different beds. That's why it's crazy that I lied about it. Nothing was going on. I don't know why I didn't tell you."

"O.K. Craig," I say. I get out of the car. "Thanks for the ride."

Well, I thought Ash was different. But I guess she's just like Manny and Craig and every other horny kid at Degrassi.

"All I want is an apology for what you did and how you treated me.
Get me far away, or at least as far as this car will take me.
Tell all your friends about me."