This Brilliant Dance

Disclaim Bee: All rights of 'Semi-Charmed Life' go to Third Eye Blind. All rights of Degrassi go to CTV.

A/N: Honestly, after last chapter when I just had Ash go off on Sean almost out of nowhere (unless you're like me and noticed Ash was having a mini-nervous breakdown in Sean's kitchen) I had to use this song. It's very, um, provactive for being a song that everyone has heard like 8,000 times. If you ever really listen or learn the lyrics, you'll be shocked. But, hey, THE LYRICS ARE IN THE CHAPTER!! WOO!! This is the one song I would like everyone reading this chapter to listen to either now or at the end of the chapter or something. I 3 it.

Chapter 7: Semi-Charmed Life

I don't want to do this. It feels like walking the plank. I don't want to face her. She is my first love, and I might be dealing with my first heartbreak. Walking, not boarding, this is what I'm resorting to. For her. Does she realize I would do anything for her? Such loveliness she beholds, such mystery and such grace.

This whole day seems like a dream. Not in the sense that it is perfect. Rather, it seems like I'm not truly living it, just watching as the character of me goes through all these actions that he has to. You find out your girlfriend fell asleep at the house of an ex-fling, so what are you supposed to do? This.

The character of JT raises his hand to the Isaacs residence door and knocks. The character of Toby Isaacs answers the door. The character of Toby Isaacs ignores you, as per usual, and your character makes his way to the door of the character of Ashley Kerwin. You don't knock, it's not in your character's genes, you just walk in.

The character of Ashley Kerwin is writing in what looks like a journal. Your character, like a lovesick puppy, wants to read the journal, but has been told many times by the character of Ashley that if you ever did attempt to read the journal, you might wake up without testicles. You never attempt it.

The character of Ashley smiles and pulls you on top of her. Your character, as horny and un-sexed as he is, stops. To talk. Because the character of JT is a real big pussy. "Where were you last night?" the character of JT asks.

She looks down, ashamed. If she lies, it's over. You walk out and never look back. "Sean's," the character of Ashley mumbles. Nice answer, Ashley Kerwin. Now just keep telling the truth and we'll make it out of here alive. "I went over because I was feeling these pangs over Ellie again, like the first couple days when she died. Marco was with Dylan, and everyone knows how Sean needs help. I went over because I thought we could talk and make sense of things. I want him to cope in ways that don't involve alcohol." I look deep into her eyes, penetrating her soul. She stares back, unfaltering. She's not lying. I can't believe I would even imagine she would do such a thing. I don't feel like a character anymore. I feel like myself, for the first time in awhile. I feel like JT Yorke.

I hug her and whisper in her ear how much I love her and that I'll never ever again think that she could do that to me. To us. I get out a small circle of colored string that was once Emma's bracelet. When we were 5 years old, our mothers would get us together for play dates, and we thought we were going to get married. I gave her the bracelet one day, totally forgetting about it until the beginning of grade 7 when she gave it back and we had a laugh about it. It fit perfectly around Ashley's ring finger twice. "I know we're too young to get married or even think about it, but I wanted to give you something. Something like a promise ring. When we're older, I want to be able to give you something better, but I want you to know right now that you're the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with."

She smiles and wraps her arms around me. "That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever told me. Of course. I love you." We make love again, and this time, it's like the connection of two souls into one body.

"I'm packed and I'm holding,
I'm smiling, she's living, she's golden and
she lives for me, She says she lives for me,
Ovation, what a motivation"

I woke up, and she wasn't here. I ate breakfast, and she never came. After everything I put her through, I don't blame her. I want her. I want to hold her in my arms and tell her yesterday was a joke. I don't like other men. I like her. I want her. I want to be with her. I want her to live here.

So, all of my ESP and willing her to come finally paid off. It was early evening, I hadn't done a thing all day(it's Saturday), and she comes in right when Wheel of Fortune's starting. She sits on the other couch, and we stare for awhile, before she starts talking. "I understand that you're confused..."

"Ashley," I mumble. This is harder than I thought. "Even if I am, what I said yesterday, I don't want to be with a man right now. I really just want to be with you. But, I don't want you to ruin this great thing you have with JT. So, I'm just, not going to do anything. I'm not going to stop you from doing whatever you want. The ball's in your court."

She doesn't say anything, just grabs my hand. We go into Tracker's bedroom, now a guest room, both of us fully aware that mine needs cleaned in the worst way. She pushes me onto the bed. "This," she says while unzipping my pants, "can be our little secret."

"She comes round and she goes down on me,
And I make her smile, It's like a drug for you.
Do ever what you want to do,
Coming over you."

"ASHLEY KERWIN!" I scream at him, starting to hit his shoulder but not hurting him at all. "You were with Ashley Kerwin last night?"

"Manny, calm down," he says. "I'm not going to even sit here and explain to you why I was with her last night if you don't calm down."

I run my hand through my hair dramatically and take a seat on his couch, still fuming. "Why, Craig Manning? And you better have a damned good reason."

"First, I get a wake-up call at one in the morning from Kate, her mother, telling me that Ashley has gone missing. This doesn't even get me out of bed because I haven't seen her in weeks. Then, I get a call from Marco telling me she's at Sean's and that I have to go get her because no one's answering the phone, and he can't leave. So, I went. I find her, take her out to my car, and then I get my ear chewed off for even being in her presence. I drop her off, and go back home. Oh, well I rode JT home. Now, if you want to yell about that, go right ahead."

I sigh deeply. The thing is, Ashley hates him so much, he probably is telling the truth. "How did Marco know anyway?"

"I don't know, they're all friends, y'know. He could've just known, I guess."

"Well, I'm sorry for flying off the handle. It's just hard for me to trust you." I immediately hate myself for saying that. This is going to whip him into some sort of frenzy.

"I know," he mumbles. That's it? Where's the Craig Manning we all know and hate? Well, everyone else at least. He's so misunderstood. If everyone could see what I see in Craig, there wouldn't be a single soul who hated him. "I love you."

"I love you too, Craig," I say. Every time we say it, I remember how many times I would say it to a "thank you" response. I guess I'm blessed. Not everyone has the perfect man, masked in this world of doom and gloom. He pushes himself on top of me(he seems to find this position romantic), and I let him. I've stopped feeling anything during these times. I stare at the characters on the TV screen, wondering how much luckier they are to have sex because it means something.

When he's done, I get up to leave. "You're a faker," he says.

"Excuse me?" I say, whipping myself around.

"Am I that bad? I don't think you've once had an orgasm with me."

"That's not true!" I cry. First, he finds out the sex sucks. Then, he'll find out our relationship sucks. That's the way these things go. "I always do!"

"Manny, please tell me what I can do."

"Craig, nothing."

"Joey and Caitlin bought this book..." he trails off.

"What kind of book?"

"Kama sutra," he answers.

"Eww! I don't think we need to know about Joey and Caitlin's sex life!" I joke with him. I'm in his arms again on the couch.

"Well, do you want to try it? I can get it, y'know, for next time."

"Craig, really, you're everything I need. We don't need a book." I kiss him and walk out the door. I really am a faker.

"Keep on smiling,
what we go through.
One stop to the rhythm that divides you,
And I speak to you like the chorus to the verse,
Chop another line like a coda with a curse."

The eternal battle of good versus evil. Good: boyfriend who gives you a promise ring and is always there for you. Evil: bad boy who you fuck because you feel like it. Hmm. Everything is wrong now. I'm in love with the evil, but I keep the good around. Too hurt good more? That is what evil truly is, a way of corrupting good.

I think about what an evil person I am after waking up in the arms of Sean Cameron. I stare at the multi-colored string on my ring finger. His breathing is hot on my neck. His left arm is draped over me, and his left hand is resting on my stomach. I want to fall asleep again. I want to be transported to the realm of unconsciousness. I should leave, even though it's only 8. JT might've called. He might be looking for me. He might come here.

I slide out from underneath his arm. I grab my clothes and put them on quietly. I come here to see Sean for these totally innocent reasons. And then he kisses me, and I feel like finally I realize why God created me. Why I was put on earth. I was put on earth to be fulfilled in Sean Cameron. I make my way to the kitchen and grab some rum and mix it with Coke.

If I feel so fulfilled in him, why do I feel my loneliest when I'm with him? It's this total paradox of emotions that I can't even begin to figure out. He walks out of the bedroom wearing nothing but boxers. "I thought you left again," he says with a tinge of hurt in his voice. "Pour me some of that." I oblige, and we sit there drinking for awhile.

His house is a never-ending supply of some kind of alcohol. When we finish the half-filled bottle, he moves on to vodka but I start to sip water."I'm driving. And Kate will kill me." He nods. "Sean, do you really want me to move in?" I finally ask.

"Ashley, I told you, it's your decision. I mean, you're well aware that your parents would kill you and bring you back, so it's not like we would even get that much time together."

"Unless we legally marry," I joke. He doesn't laugh. I give him an apologetic shrug. "Maybe, if I get in this huge fight with Kate, she'll kick me out."

This time, he shrugs. "Whatever you want." I don't even think he's drunk yet, but I'll blame his stand-offishness on the alcohol.

"I'm gonna go," I announce. He barely notices I spoke a word. I smile and leave. I don't have anywhere to go until curfew. My mind briefly rests on JT before I realize that I'd be so guilt ridden, I would cry. I start to drive in the direction of the first person I could even imagine might know what I'm going through. I hate to admit it, but I have to go there. I need to see Craig.

"And I come on like a freak show takes the stage.
We give them the games we play, she said,
I want something else, to get me through this,
Semi-charmed kind of life."

I found the book! I win your little game of hide and go seek, Joey. The whole reason I need the book is rather disheartening, but I am willing to change for someone. That's love. Not getting bitched at by an ex-girlfriend who you thought you might still have feelings for. As if on cue, the doorbell rings. I go downstairs(I'm home alone) and find the last person I would ever think to be standing there. Ashley Kerwin.

"Craig," she says through sobs. "I need help."

We all need a little help sometimes, Ash. "Come in," I say, not allowing my voice to show any emotion. We both sit on the couch, far apart, and partake in a very long, very awkward silence.

Finally, I hear her turn to face me. She looks me in the eyes, and I forget how mad I am. "I understand now, what you did. I forgive you. I have to forgive you, or I'd be the biggest hypocrite known to man."

"Ash?" I ask, letting my hand cover her's in a strictly platonic show of affection.

Her head falls back on a pillow, and I see the tears forming. She brushes them away, but this only causes more to come. "This is all, confidential, right?" she asks. But she doesn't have to. I'm her Craig; she's my Ashley. I would never hurt her like that.

"You don't even have to ask," I mumble.

"Good." As the story unfolds, I begin to understand both more and less. I understand why she snapped at me and how Marco knew where she was. But why was she doing this? And how could Sean, the Sean who was the only friend I had at Degrassi for awhile, be bi? I let her cry after she was done talking because I didn't have anything to say. For some reason, she thinks this whole situation is identical to the one I was in. It's not. She knows she can't be with Sean, even if she wants to. She has to give that hope up. Her decision is made for her, but she doesn't realize.

After crying herself to sleep, I take a blanket and lay it over her. It's only 10 o'clock, but Kate might have changed her curfew after last night. I pick up the phone and dial her home number. I explain the situation to her mom, and she agrees to let Ashley stay here.

Joey comes in a few minutes later, and I immediately hush him. I grab Angie and usher her upstairs, trying to keep her from squealing. I put her to bed, and then I walk into Joey's room. "Caitlin not staying over?" I ask.

"Not for about nine months," he answers. I look shocked. Nine months. NINE MONTHS? Is he serious? Is she... "Not that, Craig," he says reading the look on my face. "She has to go to Africa for this AIDS tour. It's the job of her dreams. Unfortunately, it's going to take about nine months for her to finish it."

"Oh," I answer. "Well, good for her."

"Yea," he answers. "Good for her."

"I want something else,
I'm not listening when you say,
Good-bye."

I'm running through a field at top speed, but Craig's right at my heels. He's right there; I can feel his presence. If I turn around, he'll catch me and he'll win. I don't know where I am. All I know is that I must run because Craig's chasing me. I start to breathe harder until I see a bed of flowers, where I allow myself to collapse.

He jumps on top of me, and we stare at each other for awhile, smiling. He begins to kiss me, and it leads to more. He makes love to me. It's the best sex of my life. I suddenly crave a cigarette. I start to play with his hair, and all he can do is smile and laugh. We're laughing and giggling and rolling in the flowers, neither of us knowing what this joke is, but both of us knowing that it's only meant for us to understand.

Out of nowhere, he finds his camera. He positions it so it will take a picture of both of us, together. We're naked, but it's OK because we've always been naked. The camera takes so many pictures, but this isn't weird. He gets up to readjust the lense, and I allow my eyes to close for the briefest second.

I feel arms around my bare stomach, and I giggle and turn to the owner of these arms. I look up and straight into the eyes of JT Yorke. He's smiling and brushing the hair out of my eyes. The camera is still snapping, so I look over at it. Craig's gone. I look back at JT, and suddenly I forget that Craig was ever here at all.

"Manny! Manuela Santos!" I awake to my name being called over and over again. I roll over onto my stomach and look at the door. 5,4,3,2,1...

My mother bursts in. "Get ready! It's time to go to church!"

"The sky it was gold, it was rose,
I was taking sips of it through my nose,
And I wish I could get back there,
Some place back there,
Smiling in the pictures you would take."

Jay called around 10. Said we could party at his place, but we both know that he just wanted to come here. So I told him he could if he brought the booze. He told me he had something even better.

And he did. Beer, girls, and "stuff." Crystal meth. Awesome. I ignored the beer and the girls. I was sexed-out for the day. I love the feeling of being high. I was so high. I was so high, Jay said I passed out. I don't remember that. I remember throwing up a lot. I remember about 50 kids in my house when I woke up. But I thought I fell asleep on my own. Oh well.

I look into the eyes of the girl sleeping on my bed next to me. We didn't have sex; we just slept together. Literally, where you fall asleep and someone else falls asleep, and it's all sleeping and nothing else. She's barely awake. Her whole body is stiff except for her eyes fluttering open and closing again.

I decide to get up before the masses do so I can keep them off my stuff. I get up and stretch. There's about five other kids sprawled on blankets all over my floor. I step into my living room, and there's about twenty in there. They're everywhere: couch, floor, one on the kitchen counter, and two on the table. Some are clothed, some aren't.

My head pounds, and I want everyone to leave. I want it to be Ashley and me. I want us to be alone, here, living. Living together. I want her with me when I wake up in the morning.

There's nowhere to sit except random patches on the floor. I pour myself a cup of coffee, and head outside. There's two chairs. Luckily, the night was cold enough that no one tried to sleep out here, except I see a few kids in cars. After being out here for about two minutes, the door opens and a kid about 18 steps out. "Hey Sean," he whispers and sits in the other chair, wrapping his blanket tight around him.

"I don't know your name," I mumble. Am I supposed to? I don't think I want to know.

"Jake," he says. I nod.

"Did I meet you last night?" I ask. "I was pretty fucked up. Not really remembering too much about yesterday."

He didn't answer, and we sat in silence that I didn't mind. Finally, he gets up. He turns to leave, but stops himself. He leans down and kisses me, and his lips against mine are so warm that I never want him to leave. "We met," he whispers and walks away. In the distance, I hear a car start. I vow never to do crystal meth again.

"Doing crystal myth,
Will lift you up until you break,
It won't stop,
I won't come down, I keep stock,
With a tick tock rhythm and a bump for the drop,
And then I bumped up. I took the hit I was given,
Then I bumped again,
And then I bumped again."

Craig dropped me off a few hours ago, and I've done nothing since. I mean, Kate yelled for awhile, but after I locked myself in my room... nothing. Not that this is bad. Faced with the options, I'd rather be here than dealing with the 'JT and Sean dilemma' as has presented itself. Three years ago, if you had told me I would be the center of this love triangle, I would've laughed you off the face of the earth. Three years ago, if you had told me Sean would be the center of a 'Ashley-Sean-Marco' love triangle, I would send you to Denmark. Not that Sean is the center in a normal sense. Really, he would want to be with either of us if the possibility arose, but it won't with Marco, and it only might with me.

He waltzes into my room just as I remember how happy I am that I don't have to deal with him today. His grin sickens me to my stomach because of how his entire face(eyes, lips, hair, even nose and ears) seem to be perfectly aligned to his mood. He's the boy who smiles with his eyes. I'm the girl whose eyes can never smile.

He remembers to turn and lock the door before he lays next to me. I reach into my bedside drawer to grab a condom. He grabs my hand and stops me. "It would be enough," he whispers in his horrible attempt at seductive accent, "if we just laid together. To feel how one would feel being totally uninhibited." At this, he takes off his shirt, and I follow his lead.

Once we're done undressing, he makes patterns and designs on my stomach. This makes me giggle uncontrollably. I, Ashley Kerwin, have the most horrible ticklish stomach. He smiles at me and all I can look at is his teeth. He has horrible teeth. They're so horrible that they're kinda cute, like one of those really ugly dogs that you know you love.

To tell JT Yorke that you are cheating on him is like telling your puppy that you've been secretly giving the evil dog next door your puppy's food. I can't do it. Every time I try, I'll say, "JT," in this dead serious voice, and he'll look worried, and I'll just say something about how he should've remembered to brush his hair before he came over.

So, JT Yorke and Ashley Kerwin, these two kids who are madly in love, are laying naked next to each other when the evil creature known as Toby Isaacs barges in. We attempt to cover ourselves in my sheets, but the damage is done. My god awful step-brother has seen me naked. I went to throw a shoe at the door, but he was already gone. That little brat.

JT stands up and starts throwing clothes on, not realizing that the shirt isn't even his. "JT, shirt," I say. He collapses onto the bed. It was just a shirt. No need to start crying.

"Can you believe that just happened?" he asks.

To tell the truth, I've already forgotten it. I mean, I would remember when I saw Toby again, and I would probably have to have a talk that even though his best friend is having sex(even though we didn't today), that he doesn't have to. It's the sisterly thing to do. "Uh, yea, that was weird."

"Weird? Ash, your brother just saw us totally nude." Another thing that bugs me about JT, he never says naked. It's always nude or unclothed or disrobed or something that you never, ever hear in everyday conversation.

"Sucks, I guess. But he knew that we do this."

"What? No he doesn't. How would Toby know?" he says as he changes back into his shirt, tossing mine at me.

I just sigh. Everyone at Degrassi knows. It's not a big deal anymore. For the grade 10's, maybe. But only people like Emma and Liberty and.... Toby. Yes, it's a big deal to Toby. How could I not think of this? If Toby was older and maybe not only dated prude losers... Ouch. I need to not think of Liberty and Kendra like that. They're nice. It's not even Liberty's fault. After that whole Aids scare, I wouldn't be having sex either. "I'm going to have a talk with him," I say.

He's pacing, or something, and I kind of want him to leave. I do love JT (yes, thank you guilty conscious, I am aware I'm hurting the thing I love most in life), but he worries about things more than he needs to. He kisses me and mumbles his good-byes. I fall back on my bed. I have the whole night to do absolutely nothing.

"How do I get back there to,
The place where I fell asleep inside you?
How do I get myself back to
The place where you said,
I want something else to get me through this
semi-charmed kind of life."

I find myself at the Jeremiah home again. I find myself here more often lately. Manny and I are on like, half-speaking terms, so I'm not here to steal Craig away. Usually I just come and look at it and wonder about the amazing things happening inside the walls, and I walk away. I get away from home as often as I can anymore, "forgetting" my cell and trying my hardest not to be found. Snake's getting worse and worse, and I feel like I can't help him at all so I start to add to the pain in his life.

I wonder myself how much different everything would be if my mother hadn't chosen to be a single teenage mom. They could be this happy family: Spike, Snake, and Jack. Snake would only have this bundle of joy to come home to and his adoring wife. He wouldn't have to worry about me and my bad choices. I can't be down around them, either. I must battle my bad moods and smile so no one sees how this is all affecting me: Emma. Remember me? No? Stop thinking so hard.

So, I go to the Jeremiah house to escape. I'd say I go in about once out of every ten times I go. There's this grove of trees not to far away, and I can sit in them and write in a journal no one will find because it's buried like a dead body. Sometimes, I'll see Joey or Angie or Caitlin going off somewhere. Only when I'm really lucky am I able to catch a glimpse of Craig. Then I must stop my writing for a good five minutes as my mind is flooded with thoughts of him. Thoughts I can't even write down, even though no one reads my journal.

I'm not in the mood for writing today. I'm in the mood to see Craig. I knock on the door, and Joey answers. He's in a rush. "He's in the garage, Em."

He leaves the door open for me top go through the house, so I do. I don't want to see him anymore. If he's in the garage, either he's practicing with the band, or Manny's out there. I listen outside for about five seconds, and it's obvious the band isn't practicing. So, I listen for any sign that Manny's with him. I decide she's not, so I knock. "Come in!" he calls. I love his voice. I step in and he's laying on the couch, sitting there, staring. "Emma!" he says, and he seems genuinely glad to see me. I wonder if he got in a fight with Manny or something.

"Craig," I say as I close the door behind me. "I got bored, and Jack was crying and the basement got lonely, so..."

"Say no more," he says offering me a spot on the couch. I graciously accept. "I was just about to watch," he turns over the video package in his hand, "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." He smiles at his decision. I smile, and he gets up to put it in his player.

It's the little things he does that make me swoon in the worst way. The way his arm is draped around me. I'm sure he doesn't even think of this. I'm Emma, his friend. He puts his arm around me because he's used to putting his arm around girls, and there's really nowhere else for it to go without it seeming obvious and uncomfortable. It's the way I can tell he's deeper by the different ways he smiles. I can tell he finds the scene with Jeannie and Ed Rooney only partially funny, and he only smiles with no teeth, but the scene where Ferris is on the float extremely funny, and he laughs with his gut.

After the movie's over, I realize it's time for me to go. I want to stay, of course, I want to stay forever. But, there comes a time when you're somewhere when the mood changes, and you can feel that you're not wanted. It's not a bad thing; it simply means that your time has passed with entertaining this person, and they want something else to entertain them. I say my good-byes, and he leads me to the door. I peck him once on the cheek, as I have been doing since we were five. It's not a thing anymore. At least not to him.

To me, it's everything.

"I believe in the sand beneath my toes,
The beach gives a feeling,
An earthy feeling.
I believe in the faith that grows,
And the four right chords can make me cry.
When I'm with you I feel like I could die.
And that would be all right, all right."

The thing I've noticed about living alone is that it's hard as hell to put yourself to bed. There's always something to do, even if it's playing video games and drinking Coke. No matter how tired you know you're going to be in the morning, you can't seem to find a reason to go and lie down. It's disheartening, in a way. It means that as long as I live, I'll probably be tired.

It's already 2, so I know now that sleep will come easy. So, I abandon Halo and make my way into the bedroom. I get up to throw my cereal bowl in the sink when I hear a knock. I know it's Ashley before I turn around.

I open the door, and she's standing there with a duffel and her purse. I open my mouth, but she pushes her way past me before I can get a word out. "I just got this huge lecture from my parents, so don't you start. They found out I'm having sex. Damn Toby. Anyways, I snuck out and left this note saying 'oh, dear loving parents who want me to get on the pill so their whore of a daughter won't get pregnant and ruin their good family name: I had to go into school early. Didn't want to wake anyone. Kisses!' They don't even care if I had to go in early or not. They really don't. They hate me now. It's wonderful. Oh, and by the way," she kisses me. Hard. It's not passionate at all, but she doesn't care. It's a horny kiss. It's a kiss that will ultimately lead into a bed if it's not stopped. And I don't care enough to stop it. I never do.

After we're done, she starts sobbing. I feel like shit. I can't help her by fucking her. She doesn't know what she wants. She comes here after this huge fight with her parents, and I, Sean Cameron, do what? I sleep with her. I take her moment of weakness and exploit it.

I know it's not like that. I know she wants to be with me, and I want to be with her. And we both know she can't. She can't leave JT At least not yet. She can't leave her parents, her life. She's been so perfect for so much of her life, and I offer her a chance to live like she's in college when she's still in high school. And this part of her that needs to feel alive greedily takes it all in.

But, at the end of the day, I'm breaking her.

"When the plane came in,
She said she was crashing.
The velvet it rips,
In the city we tripped,
On the urge to feel alive,
But now I'm struggling to survive."

I guess I'm in love. I guess this is the feeling. I guess this is it. I guess you've caught me. I could definitely use those as lyrics to a song. It would have to be called 'I Guess.' It would suck majorly, but maybe some poor sap placed into a position like mine might understand.

Who else do you know is complaining about a lack of flair in their sex life at age 17? Honestly. I'm pathetic. I'm thinking about breaking up with someone I love because I am incapable of keeping things hot. We are two fairly good looking teenagers who have to sneak around to have sex, and it's boring and routine. If I act like I'm 40 now, what will happen when I'm Joey's age? I don't even want to think about it.

She has this birthday, thing, tonight. It's her sweet 16 thing, and her parents make her do this formal dinner and everything. Emma's my date, I guess, since Manny has her parents as her date, and Emma and I didn't feel like going alone. Emma. She's like a sister to me, and it hurts so much to see Snake going as downhill as he is. She doesn't open up to me; all I have is to get her company for a few hours while I run a tape. Even then, she's distant and neither of us talk. She's a tough cookie to crack.

She does look gorgeous tonight. Her hair is swept up and her dress is this amazing shade of dark purple. It's short and short sleeved, so she has this black lacy wrap that would make any guy go crazy for her. Well, I don't mean the wrap. I mean the whole dress. We talk with her family for awhile, and then we're off. She helps me find the place since I've never been there before. We joke about the fact that Jessica Simpson has totally ruined 'Take My Breath Away.' I ask her if she wants to hear our band, and then I put in our demo. We laugh the whole time. I wish we were better, for Emma. I wish Emma could relate to our band like I could relate to every musician I first heard after picking up a guitar. I just want to help her.

When I see Manny, I swear everything in the room stops, and I walk towards her in slow motion. She's wearing a low-cut(very low-cut, she could've left more to the imagination) black velvet dress. Her hair is curled, and there are two pieces that fall into her face. I want to grab her and take her into a utility closet, but I smile and act polite because I feel like every family member is watching me.

I glide her across the dance floor, and we suddenly begin to love all the eyes on us. Everyone is here tonight, everyone except for Ashley and JT. Falling out with both of them. Even though Ashley and I are on the way back to being friends, I haven't even mentioned this to Manny. She would kill me if Ashley was here. Hazel and Paige try to get their boyfriends to be as romantic and amazing as I am on the dance floor, but the only one who comes close is Marco, and he's dancing with Emma.

I saved up for her gift, but I don't think it's enough. It's a gold chain with a diamond pendant. It was expensive, but the price doesn't matter. Nothing compares to her beauty. This is the Manuela Santos I fell in love with. This is the girl who could stop traffic.

We got our sex life back that night. That's all I remember. We didn't even need the damn book.

"The days you were wearing,
That velvet dress,
You're the priestess.
I must confess,
Those little red panties,
They pass the test."

I crawl under Sean's arms. It's been over a week since our torrid love affair started. It's Saturday night, date night. JT's coming over tomorrow since I promised him we could use the condoms Kate and Jeff gave us.

Sean begins to rub my stomach, and I squeal softly. If Sean and I weren't the worst couple ever, I couldn't tell you who was. I do make his home, what's the word I'm looking for, lacking in it's trademark horrible stench, but I still don't feel like I'm helping him. I'm not sure how to deal with his sexual orientation. Gay or straight, I could deal with. Gay, I would walk away and never look back. Straight, I would break up with JT that second and be with him. But this confused stuff? It haunts me because I feel like I'm trying to beat heterosexuality into him, which I'm not.

And I guess he's not helping me either. I'm fighting with my parents more, and I'm connecting to JT less. However, I did connect twice this week with Craig Manning, which is a totally new discovery, so that's good.

"What are you thinking about?" he asks.

"You," I say. He smiles.

"About how fucked up we are?"

"Exactly." I kiss him. "About how good at fucking we are."

"Slide up around the belly,
Face down on the mattress.
One,
Now you hold me,
And we're broken.
Still it's all that I want to do."

It's great now. Craig and I are back on track and we're wonderful. The thing that haunts me is that I still think about JT like crazy. Even though I'm happy, and he's happy, and he hates me, and he's happy hating me.

I walk up to his doorstep. I know his parents aren't home, so I walk in. I'm worried that I might find him in bed with Ashley, but I don't care, and I keep walking. I open the door to his room. He's playing a video game. "Manny?" he asks, as if he thinks I'm going to disappear. I don't.

"Hi JT," I say, my voice as low as I whisper, as I sit on his bed. He both look at each other for awhile.

"Hey," he finally says after an extended silence.

"You don't hate me," I state.

"No?" he asks.

"No."

"OK," he answers. We stare at each other some more. "Well, it's good to be told I don't hate you anymore."

"Yea," I say, laughing. Same 'ole JT Yorke. Same person who would never hurt me. Same person I overlooked until it hurt. If given the chance now, I would go with JT over anyone. "How's, Ashley?" I ask. It hurts to speak her name, but I don't think he notices.

"She's amazing. She's everything to me. She's one helluva woman." I didn't ask for your relationship history, JT.

"Great," I say through a clenched smile.

"And Craig?" he asks.

"Oh, great, great."

"That's good," he answers. Around this time, I realize that JT and I have lost interests. Not just lost interest, as in each other, but lost any common bond that we might be able to talk about. So, I do what I came here to do. I lean in and kiss him.

I expect a severe reaction, but I don't expect to be kissing him one second and lying on the floor the next. "Manny, that wasn't good," he says. Uh, thank you, Captain Obvious. "I'm with Ash, and you're with Craig, and us... Manny, there is no us."

Somewhere inside of me, I know this. I just can't admit it. I smile even though tears are brimming my eyes. Not because of the nasty bump on my head, but because I finally have to deal with not getting what I want.

So I leave. And I go back to my fabulous sex life.

"Feel myself with a head made of the ground,
I'm scared but I'm not coming down,
And I won't run for my life.
She's got her jaws just locked now in smile,
but nothing is all right, all right."

Is it an undeniable fact that I'm cursed? Yes. I've had one relationship in my high school career. One relationship that crashed and burned. I had a sort-of one, but Chris and I weren't meant to be and that was painfully obvious after our first few dates.

So here I am, Emma Nelson, 16 years of age, without a boyfriend, with a viciously misguided crush on my friend's boyfriend, with my dad dying of cancer, and I feel alone. Is this a shock to anyone? Anyone? Didn't think so.

One wrong turn after another led me to this point. The point of total breakdown. Do you expect me to watch everyone else fall in love and live their perfect lives while mine crumbles rapidly around me, and I'm forced to envy the things I cannot have? I hate Paige and Spinner the most. They have perfect existences. Sure, their life is plagued by certain drama, which is just a testament to how "real" they are. But, they aren't real. They don't even have feelings. Paige only cries when she's supposed to and someone's watching. Spinner's problems are so petty that he thinks everyone should be able to cope with life by downing a few bottles of spray cheese.

When I think about how bitter I am, it makes me more bitter. It's a never-ending cycle. It's how, once you go down the path of misery, it's very hard to turn around and come back. I've pretty much abducted Craig's cd collection. I listen to every song and read along with every lyric, feeling the singer has felt the exact same things I have. Everyone is pointing out how sad different aspects of my life are.

This music was given to me so I could relate. I do relate, but is that supposed to help me? It just makes me realize that other people are miserable, and then, what is the point of our existence? If my method of coping makes another person feel worse, why keep coping that way?

My music hurts me. Craig's music hurts me. Craig hurts me. Someday, he and Manny are going to break up. If and when this day comes, he will still not look to me to replace her. If I ever get to feel his lips upon mine, it will be in a drunken attempt to feel less lonely. He will never seek me out for the purpose to be with me.

So why do I want that so bad?

"I want something else,
To get me through this,
Semi-charmed kind of life.
I want something else,
I'm not listening when you say,
good-bye."