Disclaimer: BTVS is owned by Joss and a lot of other people who I don't
really know the names of and therefore will only call them 'the other
people'. What I do know though is that I don't own any of it and therefore
will take no credit for it. I will however take credit for the plot line
of this story and thanks to Joss and 'the other people' for letting me
borrow their characters.
Four hours behind my schedule for the day and I'm just now arriving at the Magic Box. Great start to the day seeing as how I've just gotten out of bed and have only been awake for an hour now. I find it really hard to believe that I slept until two in the afternoon. I'm not complaining at all I guess, because I really did need the sleep, and I got a really good opportunity to think without being interrupted by anyone. My original plan had been to come to the Magic box at noon or so, talk to Giles a little bit about anything happening in Sunnydale and go back home. Somewhere though along the line between a few days ago when I made the plan and today, have decided that I'm going to talk to him about Spike also. I think it was this morning after particularly delicious dreams of him kept flowing into my mind. I've thought about telling Giles in the past about my being in love with Spike, but never before have I considered it this seriously, and never before have I actually decided to do it.
I really am a little bit angry with myself for not accepting it all sooner. How blind could I have possibly been? What I hate most about it all though is having been so mean to Spike over the past months and years. I've loved him for such a long time now, and I've been too stupid and stubborn to admit it. I'm not putting it off anymore, I know how he feels about me; well, hopefully he'll still want me after everything I've done to him in the past. I pray he will. I can almost still feel his warm arms wrapped protectively around me as he carried me home last night, how sweet, how amazingly right this all is. I feel bad about putting the gang in this position but I can't go on denying things anymore. They want me to be happy don't they? Well, Spike makes me happy, so they should just be glad for us. Besides, Xander's dating a Demon so what's the difference. Well, ex-demon technically, and not one that killed hundreds of people so that's the difference.but still.
Giles is sitting reclined in a chair with his feet up on the round table with a book in his hands when I walk in and for a few moments I can watch him just being himself, relaxed, unprofessional, down to earth Giles. That is soon ended however when he notices my presence and jumps out of the chair straightening his clothes and moving miscellaneous objects. I wonder what it is that makes him need to be always doing something when someone is around.
"Good morning Buffy, I thought I'd see you earlier on today"
"Sorry, I sort of overslept."
He nods and I don't offer any other sort of excuse for being late, I just peel off my jacket, drop myself into a chair and swivel to face him. He looks a little more serious than I recall him looking the last time I saw him and I hope that nothing major has happened or is going to happen. He returns to his chair although he doesn't seem to relax at all, and I decide that I had better begin this most likely long conversation about my feelings for Spike. I can almost imagine the conversation as it is about to happen.
"Giles, I've got to talk to you about something. Something that you might not be so pleased about."
He's not going to make this easy I can tell because he doesn't say a thing, just stares at me stone faced.
"You're my Watcher and you've known me for awhile," yeah Buffy good way to start. Make him think you're an idiot too in the process. I shake my head at my own words hoping I'll do better from here on out. "I know that you, the Scoobies and The Council didn't approve when I was dating Angel." Yeah, definitely not doing better. At least he's nodding now. "And there's no way to tell you how sorry I am for everything that happened when he lost his soul. I'm so sorry, I really am."
"Is this about Angel?" he suddenly asks sadly "He's not back is he? You're not thinking of getting involved with him again?"
Not exactly the road I was meaning to take.
"No! Giles no! Angel and I are. we. I mean. no! Angel and I will never be together again. It's something else entirely." Well I guess you could say that this situation is quite similar to my situation with Angel but for the man not being Angel. "You're going to hate this but I can't go on lying anymore. Lying to myself, to you, to the gang, I just can't. I honestly never meant for this to happen, but I can't say that I'm sorry that it did. After Angel, I never thought that I could love anyone as much as I had loved him. I promised myself that I would never get involved with another Vamp.another.man ever again, but I love him so much, because he is a man, not a monster, not an evil demon, he deserves to be loved and I love him." Great, shout at him, sure that'll help things. Crap, I completely forgot to even mention Spikes name in that whole stupid rant of mine. Giles looks like he's absorbing some really bad news and I can't blame him. I'm sure that he can guess what I'm trying to tell him. I guess that if my charge were in love with another vampire I wouldn't be feeling too good about it either. Okay, I have to clear this up a little bit.
"I'm in love with Spike." Well, can't get too much more truthful than that. "I have been for a long time now, and I always will be. I want to be with him. You've known him; you've seen how he's changed for the better. Giles, he's not going hurt me, he can't, and he won't. He isn't Angel. I need your help keeping him from ever being like Angel."
"Buffy."
Is that all he's going to say? He certainly doesn't look too happy about it all, and immediately he's cleaning his glasses, a sure sign or distress or deep thought. Maybe I should have thought this out a little better before throwing at him in a completely awful way. I should have come up with a script of some sort so it wouldn't have sounded so rash. Suddenly there's no other place I'd rather be than away from here. I was hoping that I would have gotten a chance to see Spike today but it look's like it'll have to wait for a long while.
I've been to the training room twice, read a book about Shamanism, and rearranged the crystals on some of the shelves all while waiting for Giles to say something. I keep coming back to this table hoping that he'll utter even one word but still nothing. How long has it been? An hour and a half, and I didn't even know that you could be completely silent for that long without being asleep. I'm starting to wonder if I should just leave and give him some space to absorb everything when finally he speaks. Not exactly what I was hoping for, but it's something.
"There's a Prophecy due to occur in two weeks."
Not quite sure what to say next but thankfully he makes the next comment as well.
"This isn't the best time for your mind to be focused on other things."
"Giles I love him nothing's going to change that." Shit, I wonder if he'll go back into his catatonic state for another hour.
"I cannot prevent you from loving him but I can warn you against it. You of all people know about falling in love with a Vampire. Angel was unpredictable, unchangeable, mysterious, and a killer. I don't want to see anything like that happen ever again. Especially to you."
"It won't, with you're help it won't. Spike doesn't have a soul so he can't lose it. If he never gets a soul he can never lose it and change. I need to keep him from ever getting cursed with a soul Giles."
"Wait?" an uninvited voice is entering our conversation and I turn to see who might be rude enough to butt in. Of course it would be Anya. "If he is so harmless now, if he got a soul wouldn't that make him even more harmless? And if he did lose the soul somehow wouldn't be just be the same as he is now before he got the soul?"
Giles flashes a brief warning my way as if to say "it's not her fault, let it go." Thankfully I don't have to say anything because Giles speaks up
"Anya, there's something called a humanity clause with souls. Either you have one or you don't but you're not supposed to be the way Spike is without one. He's trustworthy, kind, harmless, and all that, but if he were to receive a soul and then lose it, all of that humanity that was in him before the soul would be taken with the soul. Understand? He's not supposed to be feeling those feelings without a soul, and so if by chance he were to inherit a soul, those feelings and morals would be taken away with the departure of that soul. It's not easy to explain, forget it."
"I think I've got it, like Angel and the happiness clause but different. He gets happy he loses his soul and tries to kill everyone, Spike gets a soul and he's good as long as he's not happy if there's a happiness clause, but if he gets too happy or somehow otherwise looses his soul, his morals and aforementioned harmlessness goes with it. Yeah, okay, I think I'll be going to count down the register now."
Anya retreats back to the counter. Yeah, summed that up pretty well. I wonder when she ducked into this conversation anyway. It's not exactly something I want her to know about, and because she tells Xander everything it probably (if she heard it all) won't be long before I have to confront to Scoob's about it either. Damn.
"I know him Giles, he isn't a threat now but I need to do this for our future."
"As I said, this isn't the best time, there's a prophecy that you will have to deal with soon. I suggest that you put these thoughts of Spike aside and get ready for everything to come. Train, patrol, research, some of these things are more important than loving a vampire."
"You need to tell me how to keep him from ever receiving a soul. Once that's accomplished I'll be glad to work on this prophecy problem. This is really important to me and if you care for me as much as you say you do, then you'll do this," I look into his eyes, begging him to help me do this. I'll do it alone if I have to, but it would be so much easier with his help. "Please Giles."
Once again he hasn't spoken for a long period of time. Not hours this time, only 3 very long deathly quiet minutes. He looks torn between two worlds and I feel bad about putting him in this position. I'm sure there's got to be some sort of watcher guideline that makes him question keeping a vampire purposefully soulless. Please Giles Please do this; I need to know that nothing will ever happen to change him. I need to know that no one will ever be hurt because of him. He won't go back to the evil Spike, I know he won't, but I've got to have some sort of insurance policy on that. If he never gets a soul he'll never change. I really can't believe I'm purposefully keeping a vampire soulless either, I never thought in a hundred years that I'd be able to love a soulless vampire. I guess it shows how much I've changed.
"London. The Council is the only place that knows the ritual for this type of thing. Even if you talk to them I doubt that they will agree to keep Spike soulless. That's all I can do."
He looks defeated but I hug him anyway, a great hug that he thankfully responds to. There's a small smile on his face when I pull away from him kiss him on the cheek. Thank you Giles, thank you for giving me my future. Thank you for giving me Spike. I grab my jacket from the table at turn to face him once more.
"Give me a ride to the airport?"
Four hours behind my schedule for the day and I'm just now arriving at the Magic Box. Great start to the day seeing as how I've just gotten out of bed and have only been awake for an hour now. I find it really hard to believe that I slept until two in the afternoon. I'm not complaining at all I guess, because I really did need the sleep, and I got a really good opportunity to think without being interrupted by anyone. My original plan had been to come to the Magic box at noon or so, talk to Giles a little bit about anything happening in Sunnydale and go back home. Somewhere though along the line between a few days ago when I made the plan and today, have decided that I'm going to talk to him about Spike also. I think it was this morning after particularly delicious dreams of him kept flowing into my mind. I've thought about telling Giles in the past about my being in love with Spike, but never before have I considered it this seriously, and never before have I actually decided to do it.
I really am a little bit angry with myself for not accepting it all sooner. How blind could I have possibly been? What I hate most about it all though is having been so mean to Spike over the past months and years. I've loved him for such a long time now, and I've been too stupid and stubborn to admit it. I'm not putting it off anymore, I know how he feels about me; well, hopefully he'll still want me after everything I've done to him in the past. I pray he will. I can almost still feel his warm arms wrapped protectively around me as he carried me home last night, how sweet, how amazingly right this all is. I feel bad about putting the gang in this position but I can't go on denying things anymore. They want me to be happy don't they? Well, Spike makes me happy, so they should just be glad for us. Besides, Xander's dating a Demon so what's the difference. Well, ex-demon technically, and not one that killed hundreds of people so that's the difference.but still.
Giles is sitting reclined in a chair with his feet up on the round table with a book in his hands when I walk in and for a few moments I can watch him just being himself, relaxed, unprofessional, down to earth Giles. That is soon ended however when he notices my presence and jumps out of the chair straightening his clothes and moving miscellaneous objects. I wonder what it is that makes him need to be always doing something when someone is around.
"Good morning Buffy, I thought I'd see you earlier on today"
"Sorry, I sort of overslept."
He nods and I don't offer any other sort of excuse for being late, I just peel off my jacket, drop myself into a chair and swivel to face him. He looks a little more serious than I recall him looking the last time I saw him and I hope that nothing major has happened or is going to happen. He returns to his chair although he doesn't seem to relax at all, and I decide that I had better begin this most likely long conversation about my feelings for Spike. I can almost imagine the conversation as it is about to happen.
"Giles, I've got to talk to you about something. Something that you might not be so pleased about."
He's not going to make this easy I can tell because he doesn't say a thing, just stares at me stone faced.
"You're my Watcher and you've known me for awhile," yeah Buffy good way to start. Make him think you're an idiot too in the process. I shake my head at my own words hoping I'll do better from here on out. "I know that you, the Scoobies and The Council didn't approve when I was dating Angel." Yeah, definitely not doing better. At least he's nodding now. "And there's no way to tell you how sorry I am for everything that happened when he lost his soul. I'm so sorry, I really am."
"Is this about Angel?" he suddenly asks sadly "He's not back is he? You're not thinking of getting involved with him again?"
Not exactly the road I was meaning to take.
"No! Giles no! Angel and I are. we. I mean. no! Angel and I will never be together again. It's something else entirely." Well I guess you could say that this situation is quite similar to my situation with Angel but for the man not being Angel. "You're going to hate this but I can't go on lying anymore. Lying to myself, to you, to the gang, I just can't. I honestly never meant for this to happen, but I can't say that I'm sorry that it did. After Angel, I never thought that I could love anyone as much as I had loved him. I promised myself that I would never get involved with another Vamp.another.man ever again, but I love him so much, because he is a man, not a monster, not an evil demon, he deserves to be loved and I love him." Great, shout at him, sure that'll help things. Crap, I completely forgot to even mention Spikes name in that whole stupid rant of mine. Giles looks like he's absorbing some really bad news and I can't blame him. I'm sure that he can guess what I'm trying to tell him. I guess that if my charge were in love with another vampire I wouldn't be feeling too good about it either. Okay, I have to clear this up a little bit.
"I'm in love with Spike." Well, can't get too much more truthful than that. "I have been for a long time now, and I always will be. I want to be with him. You've known him; you've seen how he's changed for the better. Giles, he's not going hurt me, he can't, and he won't. He isn't Angel. I need your help keeping him from ever being like Angel."
"Buffy."
Is that all he's going to say? He certainly doesn't look too happy about it all, and immediately he's cleaning his glasses, a sure sign or distress or deep thought. Maybe I should have thought this out a little better before throwing at him in a completely awful way. I should have come up with a script of some sort so it wouldn't have sounded so rash. Suddenly there's no other place I'd rather be than away from here. I was hoping that I would have gotten a chance to see Spike today but it look's like it'll have to wait for a long while.
I've been to the training room twice, read a book about Shamanism, and rearranged the crystals on some of the shelves all while waiting for Giles to say something. I keep coming back to this table hoping that he'll utter even one word but still nothing. How long has it been? An hour and a half, and I didn't even know that you could be completely silent for that long without being asleep. I'm starting to wonder if I should just leave and give him some space to absorb everything when finally he speaks. Not exactly what I was hoping for, but it's something.
"There's a Prophecy due to occur in two weeks."
Not quite sure what to say next but thankfully he makes the next comment as well.
"This isn't the best time for your mind to be focused on other things."
"Giles I love him nothing's going to change that." Shit, I wonder if he'll go back into his catatonic state for another hour.
"I cannot prevent you from loving him but I can warn you against it. You of all people know about falling in love with a Vampire. Angel was unpredictable, unchangeable, mysterious, and a killer. I don't want to see anything like that happen ever again. Especially to you."
"It won't, with you're help it won't. Spike doesn't have a soul so he can't lose it. If he never gets a soul he can never lose it and change. I need to keep him from ever getting cursed with a soul Giles."
"Wait?" an uninvited voice is entering our conversation and I turn to see who might be rude enough to butt in. Of course it would be Anya. "If he is so harmless now, if he got a soul wouldn't that make him even more harmless? And if he did lose the soul somehow wouldn't be just be the same as he is now before he got the soul?"
Giles flashes a brief warning my way as if to say "it's not her fault, let it go." Thankfully I don't have to say anything because Giles speaks up
"Anya, there's something called a humanity clause with souls. Either you have one or you don't but you're not supposed to be the way Spike is without one. He's trustworthy, kind, harmless, and all that, but if he were to receive a soul and then lose it, all of that humanity that was in him before the soul would be taken with the soul. Understand? He's not supposed to be feeling those feelings without a soul, and so if by chance he were to inherit a soul, those feelings and morals would be taken away with the departure of that soul. It's not easy to explain, forget it."
"I think I've got it, like Angel and the happiness clause but different. He gets happy he loses his soul and tries to kill everyone, Spike gets a soul and he's good as long as he's not happy if there's a happiness clause, but if he gets too happy or somehow otherwise looses his soul, his morals and aforementioned harmlessness goes with it. Yeah, okay, I think I'll be going to count down the register now."
Anya retreats back to the counter. Yeah, summed that up pretty well. I wonder when she ducked into this conversation anyway. It's not exactly something I want her to know about, and because she tells Xander everything it probably (if she heard it all) won't be long before I have to confront to Scoob's about it either. Damn.
"I know him Giles, he isn't a threat now but I need to do this for our future."
"As I said, this isn't the best time, there's a prophecy that you will have to deal with soon. I suggest that you put these thoughts of Spike aside and get ready for everything to come. Train, patrol, research, some of these things are more important than loving a vampire."
"You need to tell me how to keep him from ever receiving a soul. Once that's accomplished I'll be glad to work on this prophecy problem. This is really important to me and if you care for me as much as you say you do, then you'll do this," I look into his eyes, begging him to help me do this. I'll do it alone if I have to, but it would be so much easier with his help. "Please Giles."
Once again he hasn't spoken for a long period of time. Not hours this time, only 3 very long deathly quiet minutes. He looks torn between two worlds and I feel bad about putting him in this position. I'm sure there's got to be some sort of watcher guideline that makes him question keeping a vampire purposefully soulless. Please Giles Please do this; I need to know that nothing will ever happen to change him. I need to know that no one will ever be hurt because of him. He won't go back to the evil Spike, I know he won't, but I've got to have some sort of insurance policy on that. If he never gets a soul he'll never change. I really can't believe I'm purposefully keeping a vampire soulless either, I never thought in a hundred years that I'd be able to love a soulless vampire. I guess it shows how much I've changed.
"London. The Council is the only place that knows the ritual for this type of thing. Even if you talk to them I doubt that they will agree to keep Spike soulless. That's all I can do."
He looks defeated but I hug him anyway, a great hug that he thankfully responds to. There's a small smile on his face when I pull away from him kiss him on the cheek. Thank you Giles, thank you for giving me my future. Thank you for giving me Spike. I grab my jacket from the table at turn to face him once more.
"Give me a ride to the airport?"