Notes: Duo's back! Yay! Heero and Duo in a bed! Yum! Duo feeling shitty! Aww! *** means a flashback. Enjoy and review!
The new safe house is just like the last one: small out-of-the-way cabin sort of place in a forest, with only one old black-and-white TV set, a tiny radio, and two bedrooms, which meant that Wufei would be sharing with me and Duo. Just one problem: there were only two beds in the bedroom. This had happened only once before, and luckily, it had been a busy two months and at least one of us had been away at all times. Duo didn't come back for four days, maximum, and I wondered what we'd do when he did return.
I was desperately worried about him, though I didn't let it show, of course. It's constant communications blackout, so I had no idea how he was doing. I guess I could take comfort in the fact that he hadn't called on the emergency frequency-I'd know if he has, because I keep my handheld radio clipped to my waist at all times.
The others were quite interested in his mission and asked me a lot of questions, probably because I'm Duo's unofficial partner and group leader, but I feigned ignorance, not hard to do, because I never let my expressionless mask drop, so they couldn't read me. I felt Quatre trying to 'read' me a couple of times, alerted by that faint prickling sensation that gives me goosebumps and makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up, and told him to stop it. As far as I know, I'm the only one who can feel him using his gifts. Yet more proof that I'm not entirely human.
***
"You've got such a gloomy personality, why don't you just give up and stop pretending to be human?" Duo muttered angrily.
"Hey!" I shouted before I could stop myself. That had hurt. I don't know why but it had hurt, cut through my heart like a knife. I didn't want this cocky American pilot to... think about me like that. What the hell was going on with me?
Duo looked up at me, his deep violet eyes sullen and distrustful. "What is it? You're too late if you think you can ask for me help."
I hesitated for a split second. What could I say? Then I leaned forward casually and said, "Could you keep it down over there?" Dammit, no! I hadn't wanted to push him away!
"Yeah, sure," Duo said, glaring at me fiercely, completely angry now. "Forgive me for interrupting."
***
I shook my head to clear my thoughts. That was the fist instant in which I knew Duo was like no one I had ever met before, the first time I'd felt something strange. I wished with every fibre of my being that I could go back and change that, not push him away, not that it would make much of a difference. He didn't stay pushed away. I like that about him-he's as stubborn as me.
I wandered over to my laptop and checked my email account. It's empty, other than three old emails from Duo. They each contain a picture of him doing something stupid, and just general chatter, nothing important, nothing that could be used against us if the email was traced, not like that could happen. All our laptops have insane firewalls, and Duo and I have more than normal-the benefits of being a computer genius.
I wished for a mission. It would give me something to do. Wing was in perfect condition, my weapons were cleaned and cared for to within an inch of their lives, my files were all updated, and it meant that I had absolutely nothing to do but sit around and think about Duo.
Wufei walked in, wearing a pair of grey jogging trousers and nothing else. He was covered in a light sheen of sweat, and his breathing was a little rapid. He nodded at me and walked into the tiny kitchen, getting a bottle of water out of the fridge.
"Any word from Maxwell?" he asked, sitting down in the armchair and sipping his water. I shook my head.
"Iie." Oops. I didn't speak Japanese unless I'm nervous or upset or worried or angry. Only Duo knows this, but I think the others suspected something. Wufei's eyes narrowed slightly, and I met his gaze challengingly. After a minute he shrugged and walked upstairs. I sighed, running a hand through my hair.
"Heero, you look tense," Quatre said, walking down the stairs and looking at me sadly. "Is it Duo?"
"Of course not."
"What's this mission about, anyway? It's not like him to not tell us."
"All I know is that it'll take a few days to a week and obviously didn't require Deathscythe." Aha! I could mess with Deathscythe. Okay, so Duo probably wouldn't appreciate it, but it'd give me something to do. I stand up and leave the house silently, walking through the forest. There's no hint of a path, and it's just under a mile to where the Gundams are hidden, and I don't really think I thought at all as I walked.
Deathscythe was crouched next to Wing, and I keyed in the password-singingshinigami-to open the hatch. I settled into the command chair and closed the hatch, looking around the small cockpit. On impulse, and knowing that I really shouldn't, I brought up Deathscythe's internal computer hard drive and looked at the files. There was a folder labelled 'Heero Yuy', and I opened it. Inside were three different files, not labelled, and I opened the first, only to come up with a password box. Okay, this was so wrong. I pulled out of the folder and just stared at it. Then something else caught my eye-a folder labelled 'Victims'.
With a very bad feeling in my stomach, I opened the file and found it was a list. The first few names, I didn't recognise-Solo, Emily, Jon, Kid, Sister Helen, Father Maxwell, Janet, Nate, Kelsi, Phillip, Anya, Tara. Then came the names of bases and a number. I recognized the bases as ones he'd destroyed. Occasionally there'd be Jane and John Does in the list, and sometimes there were names, probably people who had seen his Gundam, or just people at the wrong place at the wrong time. It was a long list.
Dammit. Duo kept a record of all the people he'd killed, all the blood he had on his hands, soldier and civilian. Dammit.
I sighed, staring at the list. He probably had as many kills as I did. But while I could forget about them, seeing them as necessary and justified deaths, he obviously couldn't. He felt guilty about every single one of them.
I closed my eyes, leaning my head back against the headrest, and thought. I'd known that Duo's wide grins were just a mask, but I'd had no idea just how much he hid. He hid all his guilt and sorrow and horror almost constantly. It had to wear him down. I didn't have much emotion to hide, so I was alright, but Duo.... Someday, he was going to snap, and I really didn't want to be around when he did. I had the feeling that it would cause some very serious mass destruction.
It was nearing midnight on Tuesday when Duo walked into the safe house. I was sitting on the sofa with my laptop, updating one of my files, when the door opened. I really didn't like how he looked. His skin was paler than normal, almost white; his eyes were unusually bright but sort of dead at the same time; his feet dragged, making him sort of shuffle instead of walk.
"How was the mission?" I asked in a murmur, watching him closely as he left his bags by the door and flop down in one of the armchairs.
"Shitty, but successful. The resistance doctors were putting Takashi under for the operation as I left the base."
"You didn't stay to rest?"
"Nope. Hate those looks I get, and all those murmurs-ya know, ooh, look, he's one of those Gundam pilots, he looks so young, how many has he killed, is he armed, terrorist." His eyes flashed angrily. "Those stupid bastards are sitting there, saying, yeah, I'm fighting OZ, I'm a good guy, I'm a hero, and they don't have the slightest idea what this war is really like. They don't have any scars. They haven't hidden in a dark, damp cave with no food, no water, no warmth, while hiding from search parties who were after their blood. They haven't sacrificed anything. And they sit there, all high and mighty, look down their noses at me. I haven't even turned sixteen yet, and I have sacrificed things, done things, that they will never have to do. I have nightmares every night, about the things I've done, but I still do it, because I know I have to. They have no right to be like that."
I just looked at him and let him rant on about the resistance soldiers, because it was important to him. He needed to focus on something else other than what he'd just done. He looked at me with those dead eyes, and a tear rolled down his cheek. In all the time I've known him, all the things we've been through, and I've never seen him cry. I wanted desperately to comfort him, to hold him, to.... I don't know. But I couldn't do any of it. Because while I so desperately wanted to, and was able to, to actually do it would be admitting to both him and myself that I lo... that I cared for him. That's about as much as I can admit at the moment, and it's a huge leap for me.
Then we heard footsteps upstairs. The others had woken up to the sound of our voices, because there weren't supposed to be any voices. Duo wiped the tear away and grinned. Quatre and Trowa walked down, guns in hand, and stopped when they saw Duo.
"Injuries?" Trowa asked quietly, putting the safety back on his gun. Duo shook his head.
"Nah, perfectly healthy."
"What was the mission?" Quatre asked.
"Just had to rescue some scientist from OZ and get him to a resistance base. OZ doesn't even know he's gone yet." Which was technically true. OZ thought he was dead, not missing. He'd also left out the hotel and civilian causalities.
"Why didn't you tell any of us you were leaving?"
"I told Heero."
"You didn't tell him much."
"I told him everything."
Quatre gasped, looking at me. "You lied!"
"Yep."
"Why?"
"Because Duo asked me not to tell you."
Quatre frowned. "Why did you tell him that, Duo? You're not normally this secretive."
"Quat, I have more secrets than you could possibly imagine."
"Well, I guess...."
"I'm tired, so I'm gonna go to bed, alright?"
"Alright. It's good to have you back." Quatre smiled at him and left with Trowa. Duo sighed, closing his eyes.
"Truth, Duo," I said quietly. "How was the mission?"
"Bloody awful. I, uh, got caught, by a couple while planting bombs in their room. Hid behind the door. Knocked the woman out. Knifed the guy. Knifed her. Locked the door. Planted the bombs. Left. Simple. Just a little more blood on my hands. Nothing to write home about." He laughed suddenly, a dry, bitter sound. "When I'd killed the OZ guards and met Takashi, he just looked at me incredulously and said, You're my rescue? You're just a kid. I just grinned and looked at him and said, I haven't been in a kid in a long time. He didn't believe me, didn't believe that I was capable of getting him out. So I showed him Shinigami; I showed him what I was. He nearly fainted. He just couldn't believe that a kid like me could be so... monstrous. Couldn't believe that the grinning kid in front of him was a cold-blooded mass-murdering terrorist who would kill anyone in an instant if they needed killing. But I can. I have. And I will again. Always kill. Always destroy."
"I'm so sorry."
"Apologises are just words, Heero. They don't change anything. Nothing can change what I am." He shook his head and took a deep breath, letting it out in a sigh. "Where's my bedroom? I need to sleep."
"Um...."
"What?"
"There's only two bedrooms."
"And?"
"And only two beds."
"Oh."
Silence for a moment and then I said quietly, "I'll sleep on the couch."
"Bullshit. There ain't no problem with us sharing a bed."
I hesitated on that, but followed him upstairs anyway. As soon as we opened the door, there was the unmistakable sound of a safety being clicked off a gun, and we both froze.
"Chill, Wufei," Duo said wearily, sighing and walking the rest of the way into the room. "It's just us."
Wufei put the safety back on his gun and put it back under his pillow. "Maxwell, you couldn't come back during the day?"
Duo didn't respond to that, and neither did I. Wufei went back to sleep, while Duo and I changed into what passed for pyjamas among us pilots-shorts or boxers. Pyjamas were unnecessary and took up needed space, so we didn't have them.
Duo slid into the spare bed-which happened to be the one closest to the door-and looked at me in the darkness. I hesitated at the foot of the bed. He raised his hands and used sign-language to say, Get in the bed now, Heero, or I shoot you. And if I start screaming, get the fuck out of the bed and don't try to touch me.
Well duh. One of the most basic lessons is that you do not touch a sleeping soldier-especially not a Gundam pilot-when they're asleep and not expecting to be touched, especially if they are having a violent nightmare. The results are often bloody. I rolled my eyes at him and climbed into the bed, feeling automatically for the gun hidden under the pillow.
The bed was quite narrow, so as much as I tried to put some distance between me and the warm, trembling body of Duo, our sides were pressed together. As it was, he had one leg and arm flung over the side. Duo sighed.
"Heero, raise your left arm," he ordered. I frowned, but raised my arm. Duo rolled over and pressed himself against me, head nestled in the hollow of my shoulder, one hand on my bare stomach, the length of his body pressed against mine. "This okay?" he asked quietly, rolling his eyes to look up at me uncertainly.
I would never in a million years tell him just how okay this was. I could be close to him, hold him, and it wouldn't reveal a damn thing. Hopefully. I smiled softly and draped my arm around him, closing my eyes. I heard Duo's breath ease out in a soft sigh and waited until his breathing had steadied and deepened. I could feel his heart thumping rhythmically against my side.
I opened my eyes and looked at him. His masks were gone, and even in sleep there was a hint of... pain on his features, a faintly stubborn expression on his face, an expression that said, You can hurt me, but I'll hurt back, because I've done it before, and always survived, and I'm not gonna give you an inch. That one expression summed up so much about Duo. I tenderly brushed my fingertips against his cheek, the barest of touches, but all I dared. The smallest, softest smile curled Duo's lips and he snuggled closer to me, mumbling something incoherent under his breath. I smiled and left myself fall asleep.
The new safe house is just like the last one: small out-of-the-way cabin sort of place in a forest, with only one old black-and-white TV set, a tiny radio, and two bedrooms, which meant that Wufei would be sharing with me and Duo. Just one problem: there were only two beds in the bedroom. This had happened only once before, and luckily, it had been a busy two months and at least one of us had been away at all times. Duo didn't come back for four days, maximum, and I wondered what we'd do when he did return.
I was desperately worried about him, though I didn't let it show, of course. It's constant communications blackout, so I had no idea how he was doing. I guess I could take comfort in the fact that he hadn't called on the emergency frequency-I'd know if he has, because I keep my handheld radio clipped to my waist at all times.
The others were quite interested in his mission and asked me a lot of questions, probably because I'm Duo's unofficial partner and group leader, but I feigned ignorance, not hard to do, because I never let my expressionless mask drop, so they couldn't read me. I felt Quatre trying to 'read' me a couple of times, alerted by that faint prickling sensation that gives me goosebumps and makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up, and told him to stop it. As far as I know, I'm the only one who can feel him using his gifts. Yet more proof that I'm not entirely human.
***
"You've got such a gloomy personality, why don't you just give up and stop pretending to be human?" Duo muttered angrily.
"Hey!" I shouted before I could stop myself. That had hurt. I don't know why but it had hurt, cut through my heart like a knife. I didn't want this cocky American pilot to... think about me like that. What the hell was going on with me?
Duo looked up at me, his deep violet eyes sullen and distrustful. "What is it? You're too late if you think you can ask for me help."
I hesitated for a split second. What could I say? Then I leaned forward casually and said, "Could you keep it down over there?" Dammit, no! I hadn't wanted to push him away!
"Yeah, sure," Duo said, glaring at me fiercely, completely angry now. "Forgive me for interrupting."
***
I shook my head to clear my thoughts. That was the fist instant in which I knew Duo was like no one I had ever met before, the first time I'd felt something strange. I wished with every fibre of my being that I could go back and change that, not push him away, not that it would make much of a difference. He didn't stay pushed away. I like that about him-he's as stubborn as me.
I wandered over to my laptop and checked my email account. It's empty, other than three old emails from Duo. They each contain a picture of him doing something stupid, and just general chatter, nothing important, nothing that could be used against us if the email was traced, not like that could happen. All our laptops have insane firewalls, and Duo and I have more than normal-the benefits of being a computer genius.
I wished for a mission. It would give me something to do. Wing was in perfect condition, my weapons were cleaned and cared for to within an inch of their lives, my files were all updated, and it meant that I had absolutely nothing to do but sit around and think about Duo.
Wufei walked in, wearing a pair of grey jogging trousers and nothing else. He was covered in a light sheen of sweat, and his breathing was a little rapid. He nodded at me and walked into the tiny kitchen, getting a bottle of water out of the fridge.
"Any word from Maxwell?" he asked, sitting down in the armchair and sipping his water. I shook my head.
"Iie." Oops. I didn't speak Japanese unless I'm nervous or upset or worried or angry. Only Duo knows this, but I think the others suspected something. Wufei's eyes narrowed slightly, and I met his gaze challengingly. After a minute he shrugged and walked upstairs. I sighed, running a hand through my hair.
"Heero, you look tense," Quatre said, walking down the stairs and looking at me sadly. "Is it Duo?"
"Of course not."
"What's this mission about, anyway? It's not like him to not tell us."
"All I know is that it'll take a few days to a week and obviously didn't require Deathscythe." Aha! I could mess with Deathscythe. Okay, so Duo probably wouldn't appreciate it, but it'd give me something to do. I stand up and leave the house silently, walking through the forest. There's no hint of a path, and it's just under a mile to where the Gundams are hidden, and I don't really think I thought at all as I walked.
Deathscythe was crouched next to Wing, and I keyed in the password-singingshinigami-to open the hatch. I settled into the command chair and closed the hatch, looking around the small cockpit. On impulse, and knowing that I really shouldn't, I brought up Deathscythe's internal computer hard drive and looked at the files. There was a folder labelled 'Heero Yuy', and I opened it. Inside were three different files, not labelled, and I opened the first, only to come up with a password box. Okay, this was so wrong. I pulled out of the folder and just stared at it. Then something else caught my eye-a folder labelled 'Victims'.
With a very bad feeling in my stomach, I opened the file and found it was a list. The first few names, I didn't recognise-Solo, Emily, Jon, Kid, Sister Helen, Father Maxwell, Janet, Nate, Kelsi, Phillip, Anya, Tara. Then came the names of bases and a number. I recognized the bases as ones he'd destroyed. Occasionally there'd be Jane and John Does in the list, and sometimes there were names, probably people who had seen his Gundam, or just people at the wrong place at the wrong time. It was a long list.
Dammit. Duo kept a record of all the people he'd killed, all the blood he had on his hands, soldier and civilian. Dammit.
I sighed, staring at the list. He probably had as many kills as I did. But while I could forget about them, seeing them as necessary and justified deaths, he obviously couldn't. He felt guilty about every single one of them.
I closed my eyes, leaning my head back against the headrest, and thought. I'd known that Duo's wide grins were just a mask, but I'd had no idea just how much he hid. He hid all his guilt and sorrow and horror almost constantly. It had to wear him down. I didn't have much emotion to hide, so I was alright, but Duo.... Someday, he was going to snap, and I really didn't want to be around when he did. I had the feeling that it would cause some very serious mass destruction.
It was nearing midnight on Tuesday when Duo walked into the safe house. I was sitting on the sofa with my laptop, updating one of my files, when the door opened. I really didn't like how he looked. His skin was paler than normal, almost white; his eyes were unusually bright but sort of dead at the same time; his feet dragged, making him sort of shuffle instead of walk.
"How was the mission?" I asked in a murmur, watching him closely as he left his bags by the door and flop down in one of the armchairs.
"Shitty, but successful. The resistance doctors were putting Takashi under for the operation as I left the base."
"You didn't stay to rest?"
"Nope. Hate those looks I get, and all those murmurs-ya know, ooh, look, he's one of those Gundam pilots, he looks so young, how many has he killed, is he armed, terrorist." His eyes flashed angrily. "Those stupid bastards are sitting there, saying, yeah, I'm fighting OZ, I'm a good guy, I'm a hero, and they don't have the slightest idea what this war is really like. They don't have any scars. They haven't hidden in a dark, damp cave with no food, no water, no warmth, while hiding from search parties who were after their blood. They haven't sacrificed anything. And they sit there, all high and mighty, look down their noses at me. I haven't even turned sixteen yet, and I have sacrificed things, done things, that they will never have to do. I have nightmares every night, about the things I've done, but I still do it, because I know I have to. They have no right to be like that."
I just looked at him and let him rant on about the resistance soldiers, because it was important to him. He needed to focus on something else other than what he'd just done. He looked at me with those dead eyes, and a tear rolled down his cheek. In all the time I've known him, all the things we've been through, and I've never seen him cry. I wanted desperately to comfort him, to hold him, to.... I don't know. But I couldn't do any of it. Because while I so desperately wanted to, and was able to, to actually do it would be admitting to both him and myself that I lo... that I cared for him. That's about as much as I can admit at the moment, and it's a huge leap for me.
Then we heard footsteps upstairs. The others had woken up to the sound of our voices, because there weren't supposed to be any voices. Duo wiped the tear away and grinned. Quatre and Trowa walked down, guns in hand, and stopped when they saw Duo.
"Injuries?" Trowa asked quietly, putting the safety back on his gun. Duo shook his head.
"Nah, perfectly healthy."
"What was the mission?" Quatre asked.
"Just had to rescue some scientist from OZ and get him to a resistance base. OZ doesn't even know he's gone yet." Which was technically true. OZ thought he was dead, not missing. He'd also left out the hotel and civilian causalities.
"Why didn't you tell any of us you were leaving?"
"I told Heero."
"You didn't tell him much."
"I told him everything."
Quatre gasped, looking at me. "You lied!"
"Yep."
"Why?"
"Because Duo asked me not to tell you."
Quatre frowned. "Why did you tell him that, Duo? You're not normally this secretive."
"Quat, I have more secrets than you could possibly imagine."
"Well, I guess...."
"I'm tired, so I'm gonna go to bed, alright?"
"Alright. It's good to have you back." Quatre smiled at him and left with Trowa. Duo sighed, closing his eyes.
"Truth, Duo," I said quietly. "How was the mission?"
"Bloody awful. I, uh, got caught, by a couple while planting bombs in their room. Hid behind the door. Knocked the woman out. Knifed the guy. Knifed her. Locked the door. Planted the bombs. Left. Simple. Just a little more blood on my hands. Nothing to write home about." He laughed suddenly, a dry, bitter sound. "When I'd killed the OZ guards and met Takashi, he just looked at me incredulously and said, You're my rescue? You're just a kid. I just grinned and looked at him and said, I haven't been in a kid in a long time. He didn't believe me, didn't believe that I was capable of getting him out. So I showed him Shinigami; I showed him what I was. He nearly fainted. He just couldn't believe that a kid like me could be so... monstrous. Couldn't believe that the grinning kid in front of him was a cold-blooded mass-murdering terrorist who would kill anyone in an instant if they needed killing. But I can. I have. And I will again. Always kill. Always destroy."
"I'm so sorry."
"Apologises are just words, Heero. They don't change anything. Nothing can change what I am." He shook his head and took a deep breath, letting it out in a sigh. "Where's my bedroom? I need to sleep."
"Um...."
"What?"
"There's only two bedrooms."
"And?"
"And only two beds."
"Oh."
Silence for a moment and then I said quietly, "I'll sleep on the couch."
"Bullshit. There ain't no problem with us sharing a bed."
I hesitated on that, but followed him upstairs anyway. As soon as we opened the door, there was the unmistakable sound of a safety being clicked off a gun, and we both froze.
"Chill, Wufei," Duo said wearily, sighing and walking the rest of the way into the room. "It's just us."
Wufei put the safety back on his gun and put it back under his pillow. "Maxwell, you couldn't come back during the day?"
Duo didn't respond to that, and neither did I. Wufei went back to sleep, while Duo and I changed into what passed for pyjamas among us pilots-shorts or boxers. Pyjamas were unnecessary and took up needed space, so we didn't have them.
Duo slid into the spare bed-which happened to be the one closest to the door-and looked at me in the darkness. I hesitated at the foot of the bed. He raised his hands and used sign-language to say, Get in the bed now, Heero, or I shoot you. And if I start screaming, get the fuck out of the bed and don't try to touch me.
Well duh. One of the most basic lessons is that you do not touch a sleeping soldier-especially not a Gundam pilot-when they're asleep and not expecting to be touched, especially if they are having a violent nightmare. The results are often bloody. I rolled my eyes at him and climbed into the bed, feeling automatically for the gun hidden under the pillow.
The bed was quite narrow, so as much as I tried to put some distance between me and the warm, trembling body of Duo, our sides were pressed together. As it was, he had one leg and arm flung over the side. Duo sighed.
"Heero, raise your left arm," he ordered. I frowned, but raised my arm. Duo rolled over and pressed himself against me, head nestled in the hollow of my shoulder, one hand on my bare stomach, the length of his body pressed against mine. "This okay?" he asked quietly, rolling his eyes to look up at me uncertainly.
I would never in a million years tell him just how okay this was. I could be close to him, hold him, and it wouldn't reveal a damn thing. Hopefully. I smiled softly and draped my arm around him, closing my eyes. I heard Duo's breath ease out in a soft sigh and waited until his breathing had steadied and deepened. I could feel his heart thumping rhythmically against my side.
I opened my eyes and looked at him. His masks were gone, and even in sleep there was a hint of... pain on his features, a faintly stubborn expression on his face, an expression that said, You can hurt me, but I'll hurt back, because I've done it before, and always survived, and I'm not gonna give you an inch. That one expression summed up so much about Duo. I tenderly brushed my fingertips against his cheek, the barest of touches, but all I dared. The smallest, softest smile curled Duo's lips and he snuggled closer to me, mumbling something incoherent under his breath. I smiled and left myself fall asleep.