Notes: Everyone give a big awww for Duo! The angst and emotional torture start here, so if you don't like seeing Duo being hurt, go away, but if you don't mind seeing Duo get hurt so long as he gets better, keep on reading. I'll put this in the beginning of every few chapters so no one forgets: I really, really wish I owned them, but I don't, so don't sue! Enjoy and review!
When Duo jerked violently to the side, I was instantly awake. He was frowning, shivering, and thrashing madly, but not yet screaming. Emphasis on the yet. I rolled out of the bed and watched as the first blood-curdling scream spilled from his lips. Wufei was on his feet immediately, gun in hand.
"Nightmare," I said tersely, just as Quatre and Trowa burst in, both carrying their guns. They looked at Duo as he screamed again, spine bowing almost painfully, and sighed, putting the safety back on their guns, and just watching, helpless, as Duo fought against his nightmare.
Duo screamed wordlessly for over five minutes, as fast as he could draw breath, but then his screams formed a single word: "SORRY!"
That one word slashed at my heart like a knife and I gasped, flinching. I wasn't the only one to react. Tears welled up in Quatre's eyes and he reached blindly for Trowa, confirming my suspicions that he felt something more than friendship for the tall Italian. Wufei looked shocked, staring at Duo with wide eyes.
Duo jerked awake suddenly, violently, sitting up as if he were a spring. He looked around wildly, panting for breath, and finally found me. He begged me silently, desperately, and I understood.
"Everyone, out," I growled threateningly. They didn't hesitate. They fled. I cautiously approached the bed and knelt down. "Talk?" I asked quietly, and his breath hitched slightly, a tiny hiccupping sob escaping his lips. He shook his head mutely and I suppressed a sigh. We didn't talk about our nightmares, especially Duo, but I had the dreaded feeling that he needed to talk, needed to cry, needed that... release. But he kept it all bottled up inside, and it was slowly killing him.
"Do you think you can sleep again?" I asked, knowing the answer, but needing to ask anyway. He shook his head, tucking his legs up to his chest and wrapping his arms around his knees. He began to rock, gently at first, but then violently. I don't think he realized that he was doing, or that he could stop. I hesitantly reached out to touch his shoulder, and found that his skin was deathly cold. His eyes were blank and unseeing. Shock, or something very close to it. Damn.
I pulled the quilt out from under me and wrapped it around his shoulders, rubbing his arms. He didn't acknowledge any of it and I began to get more than a little worried. I hesitated, debating what to do, and then decided to break the unwritten and unspoken rule.
"Duo, it's alright to have nightmares," I said quietly. "We all do. We have to do some pretty... horrible stuff, and it's alright to be guilty, to have nightmares. Just... don't let it break you. You are so strong, Duo, stronger than anyone I've ever met; nothing you've been through, the horrors you've seen, has broken you; don't let this. Please. Just... smile for me. Make a wisecrack or a joke or tease or me or irritate me....just do something. Please."
Duo didn't acknowledge my words. Didn't acknowledge anything. I chewed my lower lip to keep from screaming, and continued to rub his arms through the quilt.
"Alright, Yuy, what the fuck happened on his mission?" Wufei demanded, leaning in the doorway. I looked up at him and sighed, giving up completely.
"It was an infiltration-extraction mission, a scientist who wanted to switch sides. He was staying a hotel with some guards. Simple enough. Right?" Wufei nodded, frowning, and I continued, "OZ had put some sort of chip in him, a homing beacon, so if they suspected he was missing... they'd find him immediately. Unless they thought he was dead. The other half of Duo's mission was to completely demolish the hotel. Civilians included."
Wufei froze, not even blinking. "How many?" he whispered after a while.
"One hundred and fifty, give or take. Lots of kids."
Wufei muttered something in Chinese under his breath, and then shook his head. "Barton has some sedatives; you're group leader; it's your decision."
Sedatives would grant Duo the rest he was incapable of, but drugs didn't work too well on us, didn't last long, and sometimes gave us funny side effects. Plus, Duo hated any form of drugs, hated the weakness and helplessness and sometimes reality-alterations they caused. After a moment, I shook my head.
"No, no drugs. If he's not better by tomorrow, um, later today, I mean, then I'll reconsider. But not now."
Wufei nodded and left without another word. I sighed, and dared to wrap my arms around Duo's shaking shoulders, moving to sit behind him, rocking with him.
"I'm so sorry, Duo," I whispered in his hear. "I wish I could take this pain from you. I'm so sorry."
Seven in the morning found me and Duo in exactly the same position-me hugging him from behind, both of us rocking, neither of us speaking. The others had left us the hell alone, though I knew they were awake. I could hear them downstairs, making coffee and tea and talking quietly. I felt distantly bad that they hadn't slept at all in the past four or five hours, but most of my brain was concentrating on Duo. The shivering had worsened to shuddering, then lessened to shivering again, weaving back and forth between the two, and right now, he was shivering. I'd been checking his temperature every ten minutes since he started rocking. He's dropped three degrees, gained five, then lost four, gained one, and stayed there over the space of the last few hours.
The fact that I could judge someone's temperature to a single degree just by touching was useful, but I really didn't like it; just like I didn't like being able to hear my comrades breathe in their bedrooms when I stood in the hall, or being able to feel Quatre trying to read me, or being able to bend steel bars with my bare hands, or falling down a fifty-story cliff and walking away with only a broken leg, or being able to set bones without any drugs and not feel blinding pain.
I literally shook my head to clear my thoughts. I was supposed to be focusing on Duo, not my fucked up self.
Someone knocked on the door and it opened a crack to reveal Trowa, carrying a tray, on which was a sandwich, a bowl of tomato soup, and two cups of coffee. He set it down on the edge of the bed, next to me.
"Do you think you can get him to eat?" he murmured, and I thought about.
"Probably not."
Trowa left, before I could ask him to go, and I raised a spoonful of soup, holding Duo firmly to reduce the rocking. I put the spoonful of soup to his lips.
"Duo, could you eat this for me? It's tomato soup. Please." I pushed the spoon against his half-parted lips and was granted entrance. He swallowed the soup without acknowledging it, but hey, he was eating something hot. It was progress.
It was slow, and he only managed about half the soup before pressing his lips together and continuing his violent rocking. But his temperature had raised six degrees. Improvement. I finished the rest of the soup, and grabbed one of the coffee cups.
"Duo, do you want coffee?" I asked quietly, holding the cup close to him so that he could smell it. He didn't take his eyes of the spot of the wall he'd been watching for the past few hours, and he didn't open his mouth, so I put the coffee back on the tray with a sigh.
The next person to visit was Wufei, and he stepped into the room at ten thirty, hovering near the door.
"Barton and I have a mission in three hours. Should we ask for a delay?"
"Iie, things will be fine."
Wufei looked sceptically at Duo, who, of course, didn't notice the attention. "You sure?"
"Hai. I got some hot soup into him. I think... he just needs time."
Wufei sighed. "Unfortunately, that's something we don't have."
"Why?" A very bad feeling seeped into my stomach, like tendrils of ice. "Wufei, what's happened? Talk to me, Chang."
Wufei hesitated. "The mission isn't only for Barton and myself; it's for Maxwell, too."
"No! They can't ask him to go out killing again! He can't!"
Duo stopped rocking and both Wufei and I stared at him. Duo's lips moved silently for a moment and then he whispered, "A mission?"
"You don't have to go. Quatre can go instead."
"Mission. Killing."
"You don't have to go."
".... Little kids. So little. So innocent." Then he started rocking again, but his eyes had gone from dead to haunted, sparkling with tears. I wasn't sure if it was an improvement or not. Okay, one thing at a time.
"Wufei, contact base, tell them that Duo is unfit for duty until further notice. Tell them that all missions for Deathscythe can be handled by Wing. Tell them that if they have a problem with that they can fucking answer to me."
Wufei nodded and left. I clutched Duo tighter, my chin resting on his shoulder. I was close enough to smell the faint spicy scent of his hair, and found that once I noticed it, I couldn't forget it. It was a completely intoxicating smell.
"No more killing," Duo whimpered, a tear rolling down his cheek. I wanted to lie, I wanted to promise him no more killing, but I couldn't. I couldn't explain it, but I just couldn't lie to him.
"I'm sorry, Duo," I murmured in his ear, closing my eyes against a suspicious wetness. "I'm so sorry."
A few minutes later, there was another knock on the door and Wufei walked back in. From his guarded expression, I knew I wasn't going to like what he was going to say.
"Just tell me," I ordered, and he sighed, fingering the butt of his gun.
"The mission has been postponed, and Duo is off active duty."
I ignored the fact that he'd called Duo by his first name, and not just Maxwell. "And?"
"And... he has to go see a doctor. Report at the nearest resistance base asap."
"A doctor. A shrink."
"Yeah. We're allowed to go with him, and get mental checkups ourselves."
"Duo doesn't talk to strangers about his feelings. He doesn't even talk to us."
"He... doesn't have a choice. Winner and Barton are already packing. Can Duo move?"
"No." I sighed heavily, rubbing my eyes with one hand. "Get the sedative from Trowa. I'll give it to him."
Wufei didn't question me, just left, and I thought. Duo didn't talk to anyone about his feelings, period. He was not going to talk to some strange shrink. I doubt he could even speak to anyone but me. He'd said a total of thirteen words in the past eight or so hours, and I had the feeling that he was speaking more to himself than anyone else, except maybe me. I know that sounds conceited, but.... I think I was the one Duo was closest to. I think I was the one who was going to get him through this. Stop laughing, or I'll hurt you.
Wufei returned quickly with a needle, and helped hold Duo still while I swabbed his arm with alcohol and injected him with the sedative. It only took a moment for it to kick in, making him go limp in my arms. I laid him down gently on the bed and stretched until joints popped.
"I'll get dressed, get packed, and get a car," I informed Wufei. "Make sure Duo stays drugged, just don't use Thorazine. He has a bad reaction to it." It was a dismissal, as polite as I could manage that moment, and it was enough, because Wufei left.
I changed quickly into some faded jeans and a loose dark blue dress shirt over a white tank top and shoulder holster. Yes, the holster chafed a little, but I could bear it. I also strapped a pair of throwing knives to my forearms. They'd been a gift from Duo when I'd lost mine on a mission. I kept my essential things packed in two duffel bags in case of attack, so I just added my clothes, and was packed. It took me less than a minute. I glanced at Duo, and decided to pack for him too. Then I realised that he had never unpacked from his mission. All he had out was the black cargo trousers and black tee shirt when he'd come in last night. It would do. I dressed him quickly, not thinking about what I was doing, and then left, pulling on my trainers as I went.
The town was three miles away, and I set myself to a light jog that quickly covered the distance. Finding a car was easy, finding the right car was harder. It had to be something inconspicuous, with a decent engine and enough petrol in the tank, and could fit five boys, one of whom was unconscious. I finally settled on a dark blue van parked in a car park. It only took me a second to get the door open, and another moment to get the engine started. Duo, Trowa and I all know how to hotwire any car, truck or motorbike. Wufei thinks it's dishonourable, and Quatre... well, Quatre's just Quatre.
I was at the road next to the forest after being gone just half an hour, and watched as my friends walked out from behind the trees. Quatre and Wufei were carrying Duo. Trowa was carrying Duo's bags. We all had two duffel bags, no more, and light enough to carry for a long time. We'd been thankful for that two months ago when we'd been discovered and had to run two miles, while hiding from the enemy, through a rocky terrain, carrying our gear, to our Gundams. It had not helped that Trowa had a broken leg and Wufei had a broken arm. But we'd managed it. Of course.
Quatre and Wufei sat in the front, while Trowa sat in the back, with Duo pressed against his side, his head resting on Trowa's shoulder, who checked his temperature and pulse frequently.
The nearest resistance base was a three-and-a-half hour drive, three-hours-clear if we didn't always pay attention to speed limits. I paid attention to speed limits and took the extra half hour. No one said anything. I guess none of us were particularly eager to get to the base.
After an hour, Quatre flicked on the radio to fill the silence. After listening to upbeat pop music for half an hour, he turned it off again. I kept flicking glances at him, a question preying heavily on my mind. But Quatre didn't reveal what he sensed from others often, said it was like a priest talking about a confession. But I had to ask.
"Can you... sense anything from him?" I asked quietly, my grip tightening on the steering wheel. Quatre looked at me, something dark and un-Quatre-like flitting behind his blue-green eyes. After a moment he sighed, leaning his head back against the headrest and closing his eyes, rubbing at his chest with the heel of his hand.
"A lot of... guilt... and pain... and horror... and sadness... and... Gods, I don't have a word for half the emotions he's feeling. But none of it is good. He's on the brink of some huge black pit, and he's fighting it, with everything he has, but it keeps pulling at him, all the time, and he can't fight it forever. He's losing. He's slipping. And if he falls, we'll never get him back."
"I won't let that happen!" No, I did not say it. I opened my mouth to, but Wufei beat me to it. I glanced in the rear-view mirror at him, and raised an eyebrow. He flushed slightly, but continued, "Duo is the strongest, brightest spirit I have ever met, and I will not all that light to vanish. I don't care if he doesn't want my help, he's got it, and he's just going to have to live with it."
"He's got my help, too," Trowa murmured.
"And mine," Quatre said.
I realized something then. I wasn't the only one who cared about Duo. We all did. We were probably the closest thing to a true family any of us had ever had, except maybe Quatre and Wufei, but their families were made of blood, this family was made of... something else. We were united, unbreakable. And Duo was right in the middle of us. If someone was trying to hurt him, even himself, we'd protect him. I don't know if any of the others realized this, but I knew that whether they understood why they were doing it or not, they would rescue Duo from the dark pit he was falling into.
Duo stirred and Trowa checked on him again. "He's waking up," he reported to me in his soft murmur that right now, was very soothing. "More drugs?"
I hesitated, and then shook my head. "Iie. Let him wake up."
"Sure?"
I just nodded. They didn't question me. I was group leader and Duo's partner. Add in the fact that I could kill them all single-handed, and they tended to listen to me. It didn't take long for Duo to wake up; like I said, drugs don't work too well on us. A startled, half-muffled scream escaped his throat and he looked around wildly.
"Calm down, Duo, you're safe," I said, watching him closely and completely forgetting the fact that I was driving. Duo looked at me, something... desperate in his eyes. I saw Quatre frown out of the corner of my eye.
"Pull over, Heero," he ordered, and I frowned.
"Why?"
"He needs... he needs you to be with him."
"Nani?"
"It's confusing and I don't really understand it but... he needs you to hold him. He needs your touch."
"Why me?"
"Possibly because you're his best friend. Possibly because you're the strongest and can protect him. Possibly because you held him before. Possibly all of the above. Possibly something else."
I pulled into a small petrol station and let Wufei drive. As soon as I slid into the back, Duo fairly pounced on me, clutching at me with a grip that I'm not sure even I could've broken. Feeling more than a little embarrassed with the others watching, I slipped my arms around him and began to rock gently back and forth.
"It's alright, Duo. It's alright. You're safe. I'm here. You're safe. I'll protect you. It's alright." I kept repeating soothing nonsense words to him for the rest of the trip, and it seemed like only a second later when we were passing guard stations, Wufei giving the right code phrases.
Duo wasn't up to walking, so I carried him. He's nearly my size, and his weight was unbalanced, but I could carry him for a short distance. We ended up in a nice but cluttered office. Trowa and Wufei were leaning against the back wall, Quatre was sitting in one chair, and we'd tried to make Duo sit in the other, but he refused to let go of me, so he ended up sitting on my lap. I noticed that both Trowa and Wufei had their arms crossed over their chests, which put their hands close to their guns. I didn't comment.
When Duo jerked violently to the side, I was instantly awake. He was frowning, shivering, and thrashing madly, but not yet screaming. Emphasis on the yet. I rolled out of the bed and watched as the first blood-curdling scream spilled from his lips. Wufei was on his feet immediately, gun in hand.
"Nightmare," I said tersely, just as Quatre and Trowa burst in, both carrying their guns. They looked at Duo as he screamed again, spine bowing almost painfully, and sighed, putting the safety back on their guns, and just watching, helpless, as Duo fought against his nightmare.
Duo screamed wordlessly for over five minutes, as fast as he could draw breath, but then his screams formed a single word: "SORRY!"
That one word slashed at my heart like a knife and I gasped, flinching. I wasn't the only one to react. Tears welled up in Quatre's eyes and he reached blindly for Trowa, confirming my suspicions that he felt something more than friendship for the tall Italian. Wufei looked shocked, staring at Duo with wide eyes.
Duo jerked awake suddenly, violently, sitting up as if he were a spring. He looked around wildly, panting for breath, and finally found me. He begged me silently, desperately, and I understood.
"Everyone, out," I growled threateningly. They didn't hesitate. They fled. I cautiously approached the bed and knelt down. "Talk?" I asked quietly, and his breath hitched slightly, a tiny hiccupping sob escaping his lips. He shook his head mutely and I suppressed a sigh. We didn't talk about our nightmares, especially Duo, but I had the dreaded feeling that he needed to talk, needed to cry, needed that... release. But he kept it all bottled up inside, and it was slowly killing him.
"Do you think you can sleep again?" I asked, knowing the answer, but needing to ask anyway. He shook his head, tucking his legs up to his chest and wrapping his arms around his knees. He began to rock, gently at first, but then violently. I don't think he realized that he was doing, or that he could stop. I hesitantly reached out to touch his shoulder, and found that his skin was deathly cold. His eyes were blank and unseeing. Shock, or something very close to it. Damn.
I pulled the quilt out from under me and wrapped it around his shoulders, rubbing his arms. He didn't acknowledge any of it and I began to get more than a little worried. I hesitated, debating what to do, and then decided to break the unwritten and unspoken rule.
"Duo, it's alright to have nightmares," I said quietly. "We all do. We have to do some pretty... horrible stuff, and it's alright to be guilty, to have nightmares. Just... don't let it break you. You are so strong, Duo, stronger than anyone I've ever met; nothing you've been through, the horrors you've seen, has broken you; don't let this. Please. Just... smile for me. Make a wisecrack or a joke or tease or me or irritate me....just do something. Please."
Duo didn't acknowledge my words. Didn't acknowledge anything. I chewed my lower lip to keep from screaming, and continued to rub his arms through the quilt.
"Alright, Yuy, what the fuck happened on his mission?" Wufei demanded, leaning in the doorway. I looked up at him and sighed, giving up completely.
"It was an infiltration-extraction mission, a scientist who wanted to switch sides. He was staying a hotel with some guards. Simple enough. Right?" Wufei nodded, frowning, and I continued, "OZ had put some sort of chip in him, a homing beacon, so if they suspected he was missing... they'd find him immediately. Unless they thought he was dead. The other half of Duo's mission was to completely demolish the hotel. Civilians included."
Wufei froze, not even blinking. "How many?" he whispered after a while.
"One hundred and fifty, give or take. Lots of kids."
Wufei muttered something in Chinese under his breath, and then shook his head. "Barton has some sedatives; you're group leader; it's your decision."
Sedatives would grant Duo the rest he was incapable of, but drugs didn't work too well on us, didn't last long, and sometimes gave us funny side effects. Plus, Duo hated any form of drugs, hated the weakness and helplessness and sometimes reality-alterations they caused. After a moment, I shook my head.
"No, no drugs. If he's not better by tomorrow, um, later today, I mean, then I'll reconsider. But not now."
Wufei nodded and left without another word. I sighed, and dared to wrap my arms around Duo's shaking shoulders, moving to sit behind him, rocking with him.
"I'm so sorry, Duo," I whispered in his hear. "I wish I could take this pain from you. I'm so sorry."
Seven in the morning found me and Duo in exactly the same position-me hugging him from behind, both of us rocking, neither of us speaking. The others had left us the hell alone, though I knew they were awake. I could hear them downstairs, making coffee and tea and talking quietly. I felt distantly bad that they hadn't slept at all in the past four or five hours, but most of my brain was concentrating on Duo. The shivering had worsened to shuddering, then lessened to shivering again, weaving back and forth between the two, and right now, he was shivering. I'd been checking his temperature every ten minutes since he started rocking. He's dropped three degrees, gained five, then lost four, gained one, and stayed there over the space of the last few hours.
The fact that I could judge someone's temperature to a single degree just by touching was useful, but I really didn't like it; just like I didn't like being able to hear my comrades breathe in their bedrooms when I stood in the hall, or being able to feel Quatre trying to read me, or being able to bend steel bars with my bare hands, or falling down a fifty-story cliff and walking away with only a broken leg, or being able to set bones without any drugs and not feel blinding pain.
I literally shook my head to clear my thoughts. I was supposed to be focusing on Duo, not my fucked up self.
Someone knocked on the door and it opened a crack to reveal Trowa, carrying a tray, on which was a sandwich, a bowl of tomato soup, and two cups of coffee. He set it down on the edge of the bed, next to me.
"Do you think you can get him to eat?" he murmured, and I thought about.
"Probably not."
Trowa left, before I could ask him to go, and I raised a spoonful of soup, holding Duo firmly to reduce the rocking. I put the spoonful of soup to his lips.
"Duo, could you eat this for me? It's tomato soup. Please." I pushed the spoon against his half-parted lips and was granted entrance. He swallowed the soup without acknowledging it, but hey, he was eating something hot. It was progress.
It was slow, and he only managed about half the soup before pressing his lips together and continuing his violent rocking. But his temperature had raised six degrees. Improvement. I finished the rest of the soup, and grabbed one of the coffee cups.
"Duo, do you want coffee?" I asked quietly, holding the cup close to him so that he could smell it. He didn't take his eyes of the spot of the wall he'd been watching for the past few hours, and he didn't open his mouth, so I put the coffee back on the tray with a sigh.
The next person to visit was Wufei, and he stepped into the room at ten thirty, hovering near the door.
"Barton and I have a mission in three hours. Should we ask for a delay?"
"Iie, things will be fine."
Wufei looked sceptically at Duo, who, of course, didn't notice the attention. "You sure?"
"Hai. I got some hot soup into him. I think... he just needs time."
Wufei sighed. "Unfortunately, that's something we don't have."
"Why?" A very bad feeling seeped into my stomach, like tendrils of ice. "Wufei, what's happened? Talk to me, Chang."
Wufei hesitated. "The mission isn't only for Barton and myself; it's for Maxwell, too."
"No! They can't ask him to go out killing again! He can't!"
Duo stopped rocking and both Wufei and I stared at him. Duo's lips moved silently for a moment and then he whispered, "A mission?"
"You don't have to go. Quatre can go instead."
"Mission. Killing."
"You don't have to go."
".... Little kids. So little. So innocent." Then he started rocking again, but his eyes had gone from dead to haunted, sparkling with tears. I wasn't sure if it was an improvement or not. Okay, one thing at a time.
"Wufei, contact base, tell them that Duo is unfit for duty until further notice. Tell them that all missions for Deathscythe can be handled by Wing. Tell them that if they have a problem with that they can fucking answer to me."
Wufei nodded and left. I clutched Duo tighter, my chin resting on his shoulder. I was close enough to smell the faint spicy scent of his hair, and found that once I noticed it, I couldn't forget it. It was a completely intoxicating smell.
"No more killing," Duo whimpered, a tear rolling down his cheek. I wanted to lie, I wanted to promise him no more killing, but I couldn't. I couldn't explain it, but I just couldn't lie to him.
"I'm sorry, Duo," I murmured in his ear, closing my eyes against a suspicious wetness. "I'm so sorry."
A few minutes later, there was another knock on the door and Wufei walked back in. From his guarded expression, I knew I wasn't going to like what he was going to say.
"Just tell me," I ordered, and he sighed, fingering the butt of his gun.
"The mission has been postponed, and Duo is off active duty."
I ignored the fact that he'd called Duo by his first name, and not just Maxwell. "And?"
"And... he has to go see a doctor. Report at the nearest resistance base asap."
"A doctor. A shrink."
"Yeah. We're allowed to go with him, and get mental checkups ourselves."
"Duo doesn't talk to strangers about his feelings. He doesn't even talk to us."
"He... doesn't have a choice. Winner and Barton are already packing. Can Duo move?"
"No." I sighed heavily, rubbing my eyes with one hand. "Get the sedative from Trowa. I'll give it to him."
Wufei didn't question me, just left, and I thought. Duo didn't talk to anyone about his feelings, period. He was not going to talk to some strange shrink. I doubt he could even speak to anyone but me. He'd said a total of thirteen words in the past eight or so hours, and I had the feeling that he was speaking more to himself than anyone else, except maybe me. I know that sounds conceited, but.... I think I was the one Duo was closest to. I think I was the one who was going to get him through this. Stop laughing, or I'll hurt you.
Wufei returned quickly with a needle, and helped hold Duo still while I swabbed his arm with alcohol and injected him with the sedative. It only took a moment for it to kick in, making him go limp in my arms. I laid him down gently on the bed and stretched until joints popped.
"I'll get dressed, get packed, and get a car," I informed Wufei. "Make sure Duo stays drugged, just don't use Thorazine. He has a bad reaction to it." It was a dismissal, as polite as I could manage that moment, and it was enough, because Wufei left.
I changed quickly into some faded jeans and a loose dark blue dress shirt over a white tank top and shoulder holster. Yes, the holster chafed a little, but I could bear it. I also strapped a pair of throwing knives to my forearms. They'd been a gift from Duo when I'd lost mine on a mission. I kept my essential things packed in two duffel bags in case of attack, so I just added my clothes, and was packed. It took me less than a minute. I glanced at Duo, and decided to pack for him too. Then I realised that he had never unpacked from his mission. All he had out was the black cargo trousers and black tee shirt when he'd come in last night. It would do. I dressed him quickly, not thinking about what I was doing, and then left, pulling on my trainers as I went.
The town was three miles away, and I set myself to a light jog that quickly covered the distance. Finding a car was easy, finding the right car was harder. It had to be something inconspicuous, with a decent engine and enough petrol in the tank, and could fit five boys, one of whom was unconscious. I finally settled on a dark blue van parked in a car park. It only took me a second to get the door open, and another moment to get the engine started. Duo, Trowa and I all know how to hotwire any car, truck or motorbike. Wufei thinks it's dishonourable, and Quatre... well, Quatre's just Quatre.
I was at the road next to the forest after being gone just half an hour, and watched as my friends walked out from behind the trees. Quatre and Wufei were carrying Duo. Trowa was carrying Duo's bags. We all had two duffel bags, no more, and light enough to carry for a long time. We'd been thankful for that two months ago when we'd been discovered and had to run two miles, while hiding from the enemy, through a rocky terrain, carrying our gear, to our Gundams. It had not helped that Trowa had a broken leg and Wufei had a broken arm. But we'd managed it. Of course.
Quatre and Wufei sat in the front, while Trowa sat in the back, with Duo pressed against his side, his head resting on Trowa's shoulder, who checked his temperature and pulse frequently.
The nearest resistance base was a three-and-a-half hour drive, three-hours-clear if we didn't always pay attention to speed limits. I paid attention to speed limits and took the extra half hour. No one said anything. I guess none of us were particularly eager to get to the base.
After an hour, Quatre flicked on the radio to fill the silence. After listening to upbeat pop music for half an hour, he turned it off again. I kept flicking glances at him, a question preying heavily on my mind. But Quatre didn't reveal what he sensed from others often, said it was like a priest talking about a confession. But I had to ask.
"Can you... sense anything from him?" I asked quietly, my grip tightening on the steering wheel. Quatre looked at me, something dark and un-Quatre-like flitting behind his blue-green eyes. After a moment he sighed, leaning his head back against the headrest and closing his eyes, rubbing at his chest with the heel of his hand.
"A lot of... guilt... and pain... and horror... and sadness... and... Gods, I don't have a word for half the emotions he's feeling. But none of it is good. He's on the brink of some huge black pit, and he's fighting it, with everything he has, but it keeps pulling at him, all the time, and he can't fight it forever. He's losing. He's slipping. And if he falls, we'll never get him back."
"I won't let that happen!" No, I did not say it. I opened my mouth to, but Wufei beat me to it. I glanced in the rear-view mirror at him, and raised an eyebrow. He flushed slightly, but continued, "Duo is the strongest, brightest spirit I have ever met, and I will not all that light to vanish. I don't care if he doesn't want my help, he's got it, and he's just going to have to live with it."
"He's got my help, too," Trowa murmured.
"And mine," Quatre said.
I realized something then. I wasn't the only one who cared about Duo. We all did. We were probably the closest thing to a true family any of us had ever had, except maybe Quatre and Wufei, but their families were made of blood, this family was made of... something else. We were united, unbreakable. And Duo was right in the middle of us. If someone was trying to hurt him, even himself, we'd protect him. I don't know if any of the others realized this, but I knew that whether they understood why they were doing it or not, they would rescue Duo from the dark pit he was falling into.
Duo stirred and Trowa checked on him again. "He's waking up," he reported to me in his soft murmur that right now, was very soothing. "More drugs?"
I hesitated, and then shook my head. "Iie. Let him wake up."
"Sure?"
I just nodded. They didn't question me. I was group leader and Duo's partner. Add in the fact that I could kill them all single-handed, and they tended to listen to me. It didn't take long for Duo to wake up; like I said, drugs don't work too well on us. A startled, half-muffled scream escaped his throat and he looked around wildly.
"Calm down, Duo, you're safe," I said, watching him closely and completely forgetting the fact that I was driving. Duo looked at me, something... desperate in his eyes. I saw Quatre frown out of the corner of my eye.
"Pull over, Heero," he ordered, and I frowned.
"Why?"
"He needs... he needs you to be with him."
"Nani?"
"It's confusing and I don't really understand it but... he needs you to hold him. He needs your touch."
"Why me?"
"Possibly because you're his best friend. Possibly because you're the strongest and can protect him. Possibly because you held him before. Possibly all of the above. Possibly something else."
I pulled into a small petrol station and let Wufei drive. As soon as I slid into the back, Duo fairly pounced on me, clutching at me with a grip that I'm not sure even I could've broken. Feeling more than a little embarrassed with the others watching, I slipped my arms around him and began to rock gently back and forth.
"It's alright, Duo. It's alright. You're safe. I'm here. You're safe. I'll protect you. It's alright." I kept repeating soothing nonsense words to him for the rest of the trip, and it seemed like only a second later when we were passing guard stations, Wufei giving the right code phrases.
Duo wasn't up to walking, so I carried him. He's nearly my size, and his weight was unbalanced, but I could carry him for a short distance. We ended up in a nice but cluttered office. Trowa and Wufei were leaning against the back wall, Quatre was sitting in one chair, and we'd tried to make Duo sit in the other, but he refused to let go of me, so he ended up sitting on my lap. I noticed that both Trowa and Wufei had their arms crossed over their chests, which put their hands close to their guns. I didn't comment.