Harry Potter and the Bedchamber of Secrets
Chapter II....................................The Immaculate Conception of Draco Malfoy
Next chapter. Hurrah.
Disclaimer: I'm sorry, JKR. I swear I'll sacrifice a goat in your honor and ask for forgiveness.
The author of this particular fanfic is no longer in the theater watching her creation. Right now she is standing in line at the post office. She is over the moon with happiness for having gotten reviews.
Next to her are ten or so boxes.
One of them is shaking violently. Extremely violently. The author glances at it. "You see, this is why slash couples ought to be sold separately.....or at least in separate boxes."
The author grimaces. She reaches the front of the line. It's Frito Cologne the Post Office man's shift today. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh......crap. He'll know what's in the box and won't let me send it, thinks the author. Better play smooth...
"Hey, Frito....heard of that guy who shipped himself in a box to Texas to avoid the airline fee and was caught but wasn't charged anything when it came to the trial cause technically what he was doing wasn't illegal because it wasn't clearly written in the post office's policies?"
"There's a person in this box insn't there? You know that isn't legal."
"Tell me, Frito, what's your favorite Harry Potter character?"
"Oooooohhhhh....I have soooo many! I'd have to say....Argus Filch. He's soo dreamy." Frito giggles.
The coercive and omnipotent author shrugs and goes out to her car even though she's too broke to own one and too young to drive one. She comes back and slips him a very bewildered Filch under the desk when none of the other Post Office officials are looking.
"No one has to know about this, right?" She means about the box, not about the fact that Frito likes a quite unlikeable character, or by the look of it, more than likes.
"Right."
"Okay, now that that's settled, ROLL FILM!!"
It was Visitors' Day at Hogwarts and everyone was abuzz with excitement. Except for Harry, cause everyone who is dear to him is dead.
[ Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy are seen sitting in the Great Hall. Their son Draco is sitting at the Slytherin table]
"You know, Narcissa, I'm noticing that our son is less screwed up than usual."
[Camera cuts to Draco playing a hand clapping game with Crabbe and Goyle]
"Miiiiiiiiiisss Mary Sue, Sue, Sue" Clap clap clap "all dressed in blue, blue, blue" sang Draco.
"With silver eyes, eyes, eyes" Clap clap clap " her beauty grew, grew, grew" chimed Crabbe
[Camera cuts back to Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy]
"..........but his hair isn't slicked back anymore." pointed out Narcissa. "At least now we don't have to spend hundreds of galleons buying him hair care products." Narcissa was always tight with money.
"But Narcissa darling, his hair isn't aerodynamic anymore. Will he still glide when I kick him down the grand stairs of Malfoy Manor?"
There was a short pause. Lucius perked up.
"Hey, I've got an idea. Let's go mess with his mind." Lucius leaned over on his pimp cane and whispered into Narcissa's ear. Narcissa thought for a moment and then began to snigger.
o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o
"Son, we have something very important to tell you."
"Yes, father?" said a very submissive Draco.
"Your father and I don't know how you came to be. In other words our marriage was never really consummated. You see, I just became pregnant without any provocation. Your birth was entirely immaculate. It was miraculous. Isn't that just the darndest thing?" Narcissa gave him a cruel smile.
Silence. Draco stared at them blankly.
" You see, son...your mother's a virgin."
Silence. Draco stared at them blankly.
"What's a virgin?"
"..."
"..."
"Aw, screw it."
"Alright, alright. You're not the messiah, you're a very un-naughty boy" Narcissa spat at her son.
[[[A.N.: ....Monty Python.....!!!..]]]
" Look what you've done!You've upset your mother. Sod off, you twit!" Narcissa burst into fake tears and buried her head in her husband's diabolically evil shoulders.
Draco burst into real tears and ran out of the Great Hall. He stopped for a moment in the hallway to wipe his nose on Harry Potter's tie. Needless to say, Harry was none too pleased with this. Draco sped off in the direction of the North Tower.
Shortly afterwards he realized he was lost.
I apologize. That must have been the most plotless chapter in the history of fanfiction.
By the way, here is this pitiful Mary Sue hand clapping song, to the tune of the classic hand clapping game Miss Mary Mack (all dressed in black, black, black):
O Miiiiiiiss Mary Sue, Sue, Sue, all dressed in blue, blue, blue...
O Wiiith silver eyes, eyes, eyes, her beauty grew, grew, grew....
O Haaaas perfect hair, hair, hair, like Tony Blair, Blair, Blair.....
(Don't ask. Bear, chair, and
lair just didn't work)
O Sheeee's everywhere, where, where. It isn't fair, fair, fair....
O Sheeeee rescues Harry, Harry, Harry. In the end they marry, marry, marry... O Shags with Snape, Snape, Snape, without being raped, raped, raped... .
O We all wonder why, why, why, she just doesn't DIE, DIE, DIE...
-And remember.... For every Mary Sue you create a kitten dies somewhere-
Chapter II....................................The Immaculate Conception of Draco Malfoy
Next chapter. Hurrah.
Disclaimer: I'm sorry, JKR. I swear I'll sacrifice a goat in your honor and ask for forgiveness.
The author of this particular fanfic is no longer in the theater watching her creation. Right now she is standing in line at the post office. She is over the moon with happiness for having gotten reviews.
Next to her are ten or so boxes.
One of them is shaking violently. Extremely violently. The author glances at it. "You see, this is why slash couples ought to be sold separately.....or at least in separate boxes."
The author grimaces. She reaches the front of the line. It's Frito Cologne the Post Office man's shift today. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh......crap. He'll know what's in the box and won't let me send it, thinks the author. Better play smooth...
"Hey, Frito....heard of that guy who shipped himself in a box to Texas to avoid the airline fee and was caught but wasn't charged anything when it came to the trial cause technically what he was doing wasn't illegal because it wasn't clearly written in the post office's policies?"
"There's a person in this box insn't there? You know that isn't legal."
"Tell me, Frito, what's your favorite Harry Potter character?"
"Oooooohhhhh....I have soooo many! I'd have to say....Argus Filch. He's soo dreamy." Frito giggles.
The coercive and omnipotent author shrugs and goes out to her car even though she's too broke to own one and too young to drive one. She comes back and slips him a very bewildered Filch under the desk when none of the other Post Office officials are looking.
"No one has to know about this, right?" She means about the box, not about the fact that Frito likes a quite unlikeable character, or by the look of it, more than likes.
"Right."
"Okay, now that that's settled, ROLL FILM!!"
It was Visitors' Day at Hogwarts and everyone was abuzz with excitement. Except for Harry, cause everyone who is dear to him is dead.
[ Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy are seen sitting in the Great Hall. Their son Draco is sitting at the Slytherin table]
"You know, Narcissa, I'm noticing that our son is less screwed up than usual."
[Camera cuts to Draco playing a hand clapping game with Crabbe and Goyle]
"Miiiiiiiiiisss Mary Sue, Sue, Sue" Clap clap clap "all dressed in blue, blue, blue" sang Draco.
"With silver eyes, eyes, eyes" Clap clap clap " her beauty grew, grew, grew" chimed Crabbe
[Camera cuts back to Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy]
"..........but his hair isn't slicked back anymore." pointed out Narcissa. "At least now we don't have to spend hundreds of galleons buying him hair care products." Narcissa was always tight with money.
"But Narcissa darling, his hair isn't aerodynamic anymore. Will he still glide when I kick him down the grand stairs of Malfoy Manor?"
There was a short pause. Lucius perked up.
"Hey, I've got an idea. Let's go mess with his mind." Lucius leaned over on his pimp cane and whispered into Narcissa's ear. Narcissa thought for a moment and then began to snigger.
o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o
"Son, we have something very important to tell you."
"Yes, father?" said a very submissive Draco.
"Your father and I don't know how you came to be. In other words our marriage was never really consummated. You see, I just became pregnant without any provocation. Your birth was entirely immaculate. It was miraculous. Isn't that just the darndest thing?" Narcissa gave him a cruel smile.
Silence. Draco stared at them blankly.
" You see, son...your mother's a virgin."
Silence. Draco stared at them blankly.
"What's a virgin?"
"..."
"..."
"Aw, screw it."
"Alright, alright. You're not the messiah, you're a very un-naughty boy" Narcissa spat at her son.
[[[A.N.: ....Monty Python.....!!!..]]]
" Look what you've done!You've upset your mother. Sod off, you twit!" Narcissa burst into fake tears and buried her head in her husband's diabolically evil shoulders.
Draco burst into real tears and ran out of the Great Hall. He stopped for a moment in the hallway to wipe his nose on Harry Potter's tie. Needless to say, Harry was none too pleased with this. Draco sped off in the direction of the North Tower.
Shortly afterwards he realized he was lost.
I apologize. That must have been the most plotless chapter in the history of fanfiction.
By the way, here is this pitiful Mary Sue hand clapping song, to the tune of the classic hand clapping game Miss Mary Mack (all dressed in black, black, black):
O Miiiiiiiss Mary Sue, Sue, Sue, all dressed in blue, blue, blue...
O Wiiith silver eyes, eyes, eyes, her beauty grew, grew, grew....
O Haaaas perfect hair, hair, hair, like Tony Blair, Blair, Blair.....
(Don't ask. Bear, chair, and
lair just didn't work)
O Sheeee's everywhere, where, where. It isn't fair, fair, fair....
O Sheeeee rescues Harry, Harry, Harry. In the end they marry, marry, marry... O Shags with Snape, Snape, Snape, without being raped, raped, raped... .
O We all wonder why, why, why, she just doesn't DIE, DIE, DIE...
-And remember.... For every Mary Sue you create a kitten dies somewhere-