Notes: The next chapter might be a little slow in coming, because it is the actual LEMON for the fic and also deals with some rather heavy emotions, so I want to get it just right. Enjoy and review!
It started raining just after dawn, that thick, heavy rain that comes out of nowhere and lasts for hours. I watched it fall from the bedroom window, thinking glumly about the thin shirt Duo was wearing. He would be soaked when he came home, and cold too. He'd been gone for hours now, why wasn't he back yet? Was he okay? The woods were tricky, had he tripped and fallen? Was he hurt? Did he need help?
Someone nudged my shoulder and I whirled, hand reaching for my gun, before I realised it was Wufei. He offered me a cup of coffee and I accepted it gratefully, sipping it and not caring that it was really too hot to drink.
"He would have called for help if he was injured," he murmured, but I didn't reply. Would he? He was so unbalanced right now, so scared and lost. I wished I could believe in him like Wufei did, wished I could trust that he would return to us, but... I just couldn't. There was a little worm of doubt in me, squirming and wriggling in my gut, that whispered maliciously to me, taunting me and teasing me.
I took a gulp of my coffee, trying desperately to ignore the voice that was currently laughing at my foolishness, whispering to me about the complete idiocy of falling in love with Shinigami during a friggin' war. I just loved to do the impossible, didn't I? Or at least try.
A sharp gasp from Wufei snapped me out of my musings and I focused my eyes back on the trees to find a shuffling, dark shape slowly making its way towards the house. My cup slipped from my numb fingers to clatter against the floor, hot coffee splashing against my bare feet unnoticed as I turned and ran out of the room, followed by Wufei.
The rain hit me like a wave of water, soaking me instantly and making my clothes stick to my body. The mud coated my bare feet and stained the bottoms of my jeans, but I ignored it all as I rushed towards the indistinct figure before me.
He was shivering, arms wrapped tight around his body, staring at his muddy socks as he walked. I made a mental note that he really should stop running out when he wasn't wearing shoes, but the rest of my brain was focused on how defeated he looked. He was covered in mud, probably from a fall, and I wondered if he had fallen, if he was hurt.
He slowly raised his eyes to look at us, and they were bloodshot and puffy. He'd been crying.
Words died in my throat as I stared at his desperate eyes. He tried to take another stumbling step forward, but fell to his knees. I frowned and knelt down beside him, touching his shoulder and feeling the tension in his muscles.
Wufei knelt down on Duo's other side and touched his cheek with the back of his hand, scowling. "You're freezing," he murmured. He glanced at me and I nodded, hooking an arm around Duo's waist and pulling him to his feet. Wufei mirrored me and we half-supported half-carried him to the house, careful not to slip on the muddy ground as none of us were wearing shoes.
The living room was empty, so we carefully set Duo down on the couch. Wufei went to the kitchen to get him some coffee, and I found a couple of blankets in our bedroom, returning as quickly as I could to wrap them around Duo.
"I-I h-h-have t-t-to do t-t-this, d-d-don't I?" he muttered, his teeth chattering so bad I could barely hear him. I sighed and nodded, sitting down beside him.
"Yes, love, you do."
A harsh shudder ran through his body and he pulled the blankets tighter around his shoulders. Wufei returned with a large mug of coffee, but Duo just shook his head. I raised an eyebrow; it was never good when Duo refused caffeine.
"How hard's the mission?" Duo asked in a whisper, and I quietly told him the details, watching as he absorbed it all with a resigned light in his eyes.
"Hundred and thirty, approximately. Cadets, that means teenagers, young twenties at the oldest. Innocent."
"Not innocent," Wufei corrected firmly. "OZ. They are OZ soldiers and that makes them the enemy. They're not innocent bystanders, Duo, they are people that are training to kill us and others. They have to-"
Duo twisted around to glare at him. "To die?" he interrupted shrilly. "Is that it? They have to die because they're doing what they think is right? Who are we to decide who should live and die, Fei? Who made us God?"
Wufei looked at him helplessly for a minute and then sighed, looking away. "We have to fight, Duo, because we're the best in the world. We have to protect the innocent, and that sometimes means we have to do things we don't like."
"That's bullshit! We're fucking kids! We shouldn't have to risk our lives everyday for a bunch of people who hate us! We shouldn't have to sacrifice everything and anything for the fucking cause! We shouldn't have to pretend that we don't care about all the fucking blood on our hands!"
"No one's asking you to not care, Duo. We're just asking you to...."
"To be a killer! To be a monster! Well you know what, I don't want to be! I don't want to be Shinigami any fucking more!"
"Duo, we know we're asking a lot, but-"
"Shut up, Heero, I don't want to hear it anymore!"
I flinched, hurt by his harsh words more than I thought I would be. He growled and stood up, shrugging the blankets off. I reached out to touch him, but he batted my hand away.
"I don't want you near me right now, Heero," he growled, and walked upstairs. He didn't stomp, but I could tell he wanted to. I frowned and looked at Wufei, who looked just as upset and lost as I felt. Great.
"Should we go after him?" Wufei asked, and I hesitated. Sometimes Duo needed time alone to think, as evidenced by his running away, but sometimes he needed to be held and comforted while he thought, and I didn't know which one it was today. I finally nodded, deciding that the worst that could happen would be we'd get yelled at again. Well, he might throw something, but I doubt we'd actually get hit. Hopefully.
He was standing at the window, shoulders hunched and head down. I could partially see his left hand and saw that he was gripping the windowsill tight enough to turn his knuckles white.
"I'm sorry," he muttered, not turning around to face us. "I didn't mean to yell. I'm just a bit tense. I know you're not asking me to be... I know what I have to do, and I know that I'm going to do it, but... I don't want to."
I sighed and moved to hug him from behind, noticing that he was still wet and cold and muddy. He needed a shower.
"I'm sorry, love," I whispered, and he shivered.
"I know. I'm gonna do it, Heero, my conscience won't let me do otherwise, but... I don't know how it'll affect me. He shook his head and straightened, resting his head on my shoulder. "I guess we're about to find out if I can handle my job, huh?" He snorted bitterly and muttered, "Job. God, that makes it sound like some nine-to-five deal, like working at McDonalds."
I didn't know what to say to that, so I just changed the subject by saying, "You need a shower."
He glanced down at his body and smiled mirthlessly. "Yeah, guess I do."
"Did you fall down?"
"Mm, tripped over a log."
"Are you hurt?" Wufei asked, speaking for the first time, and I glanced at him to find him sitting on his bed, watching us closely.
"No. Well, some scratches and I'll probably have a bruised shin come morning, but I've... had worse." He shook his head again and stepped away from me, muttering something about a shower and then bed.
"This isn't fair," Wufei said quietly, and I smiled bitterly.
"Things rarely are in our lives."
"Can't one of us go with him?"
I shook my head and sat down next to him, resting my elbows on my knees. "No, it's too risky and completely pointless. I mean, the mission was originally assigned to Sally and her team, but she handed it over to Duo. It's easy enough for one Gundam, having two go would be like using a thermonuclear weapon to kill an ant."
"Well, overkill is something of a speciality of ours."
"They'd never let us, and you know it. Besides, I have a suspicion that having one of us 'babysit' Duo would undermine whatever Sally hopes to achieve. This is supposed to be about teaching him that he can still pilot, and if he thinks that we don't believe that, he won't see any reason to believe it himself."
"But a bit of support might be nice."
"And we will support him. We just won't go on the mission with him."
Wufei sighed and nodded. "Right. I just worry. I don't want to lost him."
"We won't," I said firmly. "If he can't handle the mission, we'll think of something else, but we are NOT going to lose him."
It started raining just after dawn, that thick, heavy rain that comes out of nowhere and lasts for hours. I watched it fall from the bedroom window, thinking glumly about the thin shirt Duo was wearing. He would be soaked when he came home, and cold too. He'd been gone for hours now, why wasn't he back yet? Was he okay? The woods were tricky, had he tripped and fallen? Was he hurt? Did he need help?
Someone nudged my shoulder and I whirled, hand reaching for my gun, before I realised it was Wufei. He offered me a cup of coffee and I accepted it gratefully, sipping it and not caring that it was really too hot to drink.
"He would have called for help if he was injured," he murmured, but I didn't reply. Would he? He was so unbalanced right now, so scared and lost. I wished I could believe in him like Wufei did, wished I could trust that he would return to us, but... I just couldn't. There was a little worm of doubt in me, squirming and wriggling in my gut, that whispered maliciously to me, taunting me and teasing me.
I took a gulp of my coffee, trying desperately to ignore the voice that was currently laughing at my foolishness, whispering to me about the complete idiocy of falling in love with Shinigami during a friggin' war. I just loved to do the impossible, didn't I? Or at least try.
A sharp gasp from Wufei snapped me out of my musings and I focused my eyes back on the trees to find a shuffling, dark shape slowly making its way towards the house. My cup slipped from my numb fingers to clatter against the floor, hot coffee splashing against my bare feet unnoticed as I turned and ran out of the room, followed by Wufei.
The rain hit me like a wave of water, soaking me instantly and making my clothes stick to my body. The mud coated my bare feet and stained the bottoms of my jeans, but I ignored it all as I rushed towards the indistinct figure before me.
He was shivering, arms wrapped tight around his body, staring at his muddy socks as he walked. I made a mental note that he really should stop running out when he wasn't wearing shoes, but the rest of my brain was focused on how defeated he looked. He was covered in mud, probably from a fall, and I wondered if he had fallen, if he was hurt.
He slowly raised his eyes to look at us, and they were bloodshot and puffy. He'd been crying.
Words died in my throat as I stared at his desperate eyes. He tried to take another stumbling step forward, but fell to his knees. I frowned and knelt down beside him, touching his shoulder and feeling the tension in his muscles.
Wufei knelt down on Duo's other side and touched his cheek with the back of his hand, scowling. "You're freezing," he murmured. He glanced at me and I nodded, hooking an arm around Duo's waist and pulling him to his feet. Wufei mirrored me and we half-supported half-carried him to the house, careful not to slip on the muddy ground as none of us were wearing shoes.
The living room was empty, so we carefully set Duo down on the couch. Wufei went to the kitchen to get him some coffee, and I found a couple of blankets in our bedroom, returning as quickly as I could to wrap them around Duo.
"I-I h-h-have t-t-to do t-t-this, d-d-don't I?" he muttered, his teeth chattering so bad I could barely hear him. I sighed and nodded, sitting down beside him.
"Yes, love, you do."
A harsh shudder ran through his body and he pulled the blankets tighter around his shoulders. Wufei returned with a large mug of coffee, but Duo just shook his head. I raised an eyebrow; it was never good when Duo refused caffeine.
"How hard's the mission?" Duo asked in a whisper, and I quietly told him the details, watching as he absorbed it all with a resigned light in his eyes.
"Hundred and thirty, approximately. Cadets, that means teenagers, young twenties at the oldest. Innocent."
"Not innocent," Wufei corrected firmly. "OZ. They are OZ soldiers and that makes them the enemy. They're not innocent bystanders, Duo, they are people that are training to kill us and others. They have to-"
Duo twisted around to glare at him. "To die?" he interrupted shrilly. "Is that it? They have to die because they're doing what they think is right? Who are we to decide who should live and die, Fei? Who made us God?"
Wufei looked at him helplessly for a minute and then sighed, looking away. "We have to fight, Duo, because we're the best in the world. We have to protect the innocent, and that sometimes means we have to do things we don't like."
"That's bullshit! We're fucking kids! We shouldn't have to risk our lives everyday for a bunch of people who hate us! We shouldn't have to sacrifice everything and anything for the fucking cause! We shouldn't have to pretend that we don't care about all the fucking blood on our hands!"
"No one's asking you to not care, Duo. We're just asking you to...."
"To be a killer! To be a monster! Well you know what, I don't want to be! I don't want to be Shinigami any fucking more!"
"Duo, we know we're asking a lot, but-"
"Shut up, Heero, I don't want to hear it anymore!"
I flinched, hurt by his harsh words more than I thought I would be. He growled and stood up, shrugging the blankets off. I reached out to touch him, but he batted my hand away.
"I don't want you near me right now, Heero," he growled, and walked upstairs. He didn't stomp, but I could tell he wanted to. I frowned and looked at Wufei, who looked just as upset and lost as I felt. Great.
"Should we go after him?" Wufei asked, and I hesitated. Sometimes Duo needed time alone to think, as evidenced by his running away, but sometimes he needed to be held and comforted while he thought, and I didn't know which one it was today. I finally nodded, deciding that the worst that could happen would be we'd get yelled at again. Well, he might throw something, but I doubt we'd actually get hit. Hopefully.
He was standing at the window, shoulders hunched and head down. I could partially see his left hand and saw that he was gripping the windowsill tight enough to turn his knuckles white.
"I'm sorry," he muttered, not turning around to face us. "I didn't mean to yell. I'm just a bit tense. I know you're not asking me to be... I know what I have to do, and I know that I'm going to do it, but... I don't want to."
I sighed and moved to hug him from behind, noticing that he was still wet and cold and muddy. He needed a shower.
"I'm sorry, love," I whispered, and he shivered.
"I know. I'm gonna do it, Heero, my conscience won't let me do otherwise, but... I don't know how it'll affect me. He shook his head and straightened, resting his head on my shoulder. "I guess we're about to find out if I can handle my job, huh?" He snorted bitterly and muttered, "Job. God, that makes it sound like some nine-to-five deal, like working at McDonalds."
I didn't know what to say to that, so I just changed the subject by saying, "You need a shower."
He glanced down at his body and smiled mirthlessly. "Yeah, guess I do."
"Did you fall down?"
"Mm, tripped over a log."
"Are you hurt?" Wufei asked, speaking for the first time, and I glanced at him to find him sitting on his bed, watching us closely.
"No. Well, some scratches and I'll probably have a bruised shin come morning, but I've... had worse." He shook his head again and stepped away from me, muttering something about a shower and then bed.
"This isn't fair," Wufei said quietly, and I smiled bitterly.
"Things rarely are in our lives."
"Can't one of us go with him?"
I shook my head and sat down next to him, resting my elbows on my knees. "No, it's too risky and completely pointless. I mean, the mission was originally assigned to Sally and her team, but she handed it over to Duo. It's easy enough for one Gundam, having two go would be like using a thermonuclear weapon to kill an ant."
"Well, overkill is something of a speciality of ours."
"They'd never let us, and you know it. Besides, I have a suspicion that having one of us 'babysit' Duo would undermine whatever Sally hopes to achieve. This is supposed to be about teaching him that he can still pilot, and if he thinks that we don't believe that, he won't see any reason to believe it himself."
"But a bit of support might be nice."
"And we will support him. We just won't go on the mission with him."
Wufei sighed and nodded. "Right. I just worry. I don't want to lost him."
"We won't," I said firmly. "If he can't handle the mission, we'll think of something else, but we are NOT going to lose him."