Notes: Ah, doubt, worry, angst and sap. Well, not much sap, just a smidgeon, but don't worry, the sap will be in the next part, the epilogue. I can't believe this story is nearly finished. Enjoy and review!
The day passed slowly. Everyone says that time is a relative thing, that the actions and feelings of the moment can alter our perceptions of time, but I had never really believed that. A second was a second, a minute was a minute, an hour was an hour, nothing could change that.
I was wrong.
Waiting for Duo to come back, hoping and praying that he was alright and terrified that he wasn't, the day was the longest of my life. I was tense and unfocused, restless, wandering around the safe house and never staying still for two minutes.
Wufei was in a similar state, but had managed to find an outlet in his art. I don't know how long he spent drawing, because as I said my sense of time was a bit impaired, but whenever I was in the living room, I would find him curled up on the sofa, sketching madly. I glimpsed at a detailed sketch of a gun, a Glock if I wasn't mistaken, a rose, and even very vivid angel, complete with feathered wings. I longed to have that release, to have some way to detach myself from my emotions, but I couldn't.
I tried working out, but kept losing track of how many reps I had done; I tried cleaning my weapons, but stopped when I found myself dismantling my Beretta for the third time; I tried doing the washing, but walked past the detergent four times trying to find it before giving up.
Where was Duo now? What was he doing? Was he injured? Was he sane? Was he coming back at all?
The questions chased themselves around my head, getting louder and louder until nothing could drown them out, and I found myself curled on the bed clutching my head, trying desperately to shut out the maddening questions.
I don't know why I was reacting so strongly, I'm usually a pretty in-control person, but I was just so... scared. I've never reacted well to fear, it always makes me feel weak and vulnerable, and it was somehow worse this time because it wasn't anything physical I feared. I feared losing Duo. Maybe not physically, but emotionally and mentally. I was terrified that this mission would scar his mind beyond repair, that I would never be able to see his eyes sparkle or hear his bright laugh. I didn't know if I could handle that, didn't know if I was strong enough to survive the loss of his love.
The bed dipped with extra weight, and someone rolled me over to snuggle against their warm body. I knew from the muscles that it was Fei and that I didn't have to be ashamed, so I let myself go and clung to him, my body shaking and my thoughts screaming.
After a while, don't even think about asking me how long, I managed to calm down, the screams fading to harsh whispers. Wufei continued to hold me, stroking my back and letting the steady beat of his heart soothe me.
"I'm scared, Fei," I whispered, looking at my hands as they were fisted in his shirt.
"He'll come back," he whispered back, and I shivered, letting the assurance wash over me and calm my pounding heart.
"How long has he been gone?"
"Four hours, twenty-seven minutes."
I did some quick calculations and said, "He should be home soon."
Wufei didn't reply, but I sensed movement and was pretty sure he nodded.
We had set up a couple of cameras in the clearing to watch the Gundams, just in case. I booted up my laptop and tapped into the feed, looking forlornly at the empty space between Wing and Shenlong.
What would we do if Duo wasn't alright? We couldn't just leave him in some hospital, it was too big a security risk. Just one slip, one hint of who he was, and OZ would descend on him like vultures. And besides that, the thought of never seeing him again, of never kissing him or touching him or listening to him talk... it would be like trying to live without sunlight, or food, or... something really important.
But I couldn't think of what else to do, other than the unthinkable thing of 'neutralising the threat' and that was never going to happen in this reality. He might possibly be able to stay at one of the resistance bases, but if his... problems were too severe, it might be too traumatic for him.
But that was moot point, because I wasn't living without him!
"What are we gonna do, Fei?" I asked quietly, turning around to look at him desperately. "There's a chance that Duo's not gonna be okay, and you know it. What are we gonna do if he can't be a pilot?"
Wufei sighed and looked at his hands, avoiding my eyes. "I don't know," he admitted after a while. "I've thought about it, as hard as I tried not to, and I just... I don't know. Some things from the beginning are still true, much as we wish they weren't, and if Duo can't pilot, the only choice is..."
"We are not killing him!"
"I never said we were! I just don't know what else to DO!"
I bit back another sharp reply and looked back at my laptop's screen. I didn't blame Wufei, and I knew that he was no more willing to kill Duo than I was, but... I felt lost, confused, helpless. I didn't do well with any of those emotions. They always made me defensive, and when I got defensive, I got angry.
A slight pressure on my shoulder from Wufei's hand told me he understood and I felt a little of the tension run out of my body from the knowledge that I wasn't alone.
"We can talk to Sally," he suggested softly. "Maybe she can think of something. But we aren't making any decisions until we see him, right? He might be okay."
I nodded, not really looking at him, and he stood up. "I'm gonna go make some coffee, you want any?"
"Sure. Thanks."
He snorted and muttered, "Anything to keep busy," before leaving. I smiled briefly, understanding that all to well. The motion sensors activated suddenly, warnings flashing across the screen, and I held my breath as Deathscythe slowly landed between Wing and Shenlong.
He was back. He was alive. Everything else was uncertain, but he was alive.
My heart was pounding in my chest, relief making my breath catch in my throat. I ached to go out and see if he was alright, to hold him in my arms and kiss him and touch him and just BE with him, but... he didn't want that. He wanted time alone. He didn't want me there just yet.
"You could have told me he was back," Wufei said archly, and I quirked a wry grin.
"I got distracted."
"Understandable." He looked over my shoulder to see the screen and his shoulders sagged with relief when he spotted the sleek, black Gundam. He whispered a soft prayer of thanks in Chinese, and I added my heartfelt agreement.
The hatch opened slowly and Duo stepped into the sunlight. For a moment he just stood there, face up to the sky, breathing deeply. I took the moment to evaluate him, and was pleased to note that there were no visible injuries and his clothing wasn't torn in a single place. No cuts, that only left bruises. And broken bones. Torn muscles. Slipped disks. Okay, maybe I was getting paranoid.
Duo climbed down the Gundam, not bothering with the lift wire, and walked out of the camera's range. I shut down my laptop and walked downstairs with Wufei to meet him. Trowa was watching the news, but when he saw us he left without a word.
Duo looked tired when he came in, his face drawn and pale. His eyes were thoughtful, troubled. His hands were shaking slightly, but the rest of his body was still.
I opened my mouth to ask how he was, but the question seemed a little pathetic, so I changed it to, "Are you alright?"
He frowned, thinking about the question for a long time. "I think so," he finally admitted. "I mean, I'm not happy and I'm probably gonna have nightmares, but... the mission was easy, practically a cake-walk, no one came near to hurting me or Deathscythe, I was... fuck it all to hell, I was a Gundam pilot. And I think... I think I'm okay with that."
I wrapped him up in my arms, crushing his body against mine and kissing his neck. Relief flooded my being, making my skin tingle and my heartbeat race. He was okay. He was fine. He was sane. He was going to stay with me. With us, I amended as Wufei joined the hug.
We were together, and we could stay that way. We WERE going to stay that way. No one, not OZ not our 'bosses', not the hounds of hell, would tear us apart now.
The day passed slowly. Everyone says that time is a relative thing, that the actions and feelings of the moment can alter our perceptions of time, but I had never really believed that. A second was a second, a minute was a minute, an hour was an hour, nothing could change that.
I was wrong.
Waiting for Duo to come back, hoping and praying that he was alright and terrified that he wasn't, the day was the longest of my life. I was tense and unfocused, restless, wandering around the safe house and never staying still for two minutes.
Wufei was in a similar state, but had managed to find an outlet in his art. I don't know how long he spent drawing, because as I said my sense of time was a bit impaired, but whenever I was in the living room, I would find him curled up on the sofa, sketching madly. I glimpsed at a detailed sketch of a gun, a Glock if I wasn't mistaken, a rose, and even very vivid angel, complete with feathered wings. I longed to have that release, to have some way to detach myself from my emotions, but I couldn't.
I tried working out, but kept losing track of how many reps I had done; I tried cleaning my weapons, but stopped when I found myself dismantling my Beretta for the third time; I tried doing the washing, but walked past the detergent four times trying to find it before giving up.
Where was Duo now? What was he doing? Was he injured? Was he sane? Was he coming back at all?
The questions chased themselves around my head, getting louder and louder until nothing could drown them out, and I found myself curled on the bed clutching my head, trying desperately to shut out the maddening questions.
I don't know why I was reacting so strongly, I'm usually a pretty in-control person, but I was just so... scared. I've never reacted well to fear, it always makes me feel weak and vulnerable, and it was somehow worse this time because it wasn't anything physical I feared. I feared losing Duo. Maybe not physically, but emotionally and mentally. I was terrified that this mission would scar his mind beyond repair, that I would never be able to see his eyes sparkle or hear his bright laugh. I didn't know if I could handle that, didn't know if I was strong enough to survive the loss of his love.
The bed dipped with extra weight, and someone rolled me over to snuggle against their warm body. I knew from the muscles that it was Fei and that I didn't have to be ashamed, so I let myself go and clung to him, my body shaking and my thoughts screaming.
After a while, don't even think about asking me how long, I managed to calm down, the screams fading to harsh whispers. Wufei continued to hold me, stroking my back and letting the steady beat of his heart soothe me.
"I'm scared, Fei," I whispered, looking at my hands as they were fisted in his shirt.
"He'll come back," he whispered back, and I shivered, letting the assurance wash over me and calm my pounding heart.
"How long has he been gone?"
"Four hours, twenty-seven minutes."
I did some quick calculations and said, "He should be home soon."
Wufei didn't reply, but I sensed movement and was pretty sure he nodded.
We had set up a couple of cameras in the clearing to watch the Gundams, just in case. I booted up my laptop and tapped into the feed, looking forlornly at the empty space between Wing and Shenlong.
What would we do if Duo wasn't alright? We couldn't just leave him in some hospital, it was too big a security risk. Just one slip, one hint of who he was, and OZ would descend on him like vultures. And besides that, the thought of never seeing him again, of never kissing him or touching him or listening to him talk... it would be like trying to live without sunlight, or food, or... something really important.
But I couldn't think of what else to do, other than the unthinkable thing of 'neutralising the threat' and that was never going to happen in this reality. He might possibly be able to stay at one of the resistance bases, but if his... problems were too severe, it might be too traumatic for him.
But that was moot point, because I wasn't living without him!
"What are we gonna do, Fei?" I asked quietly, turning around to look at him desperately. "There's a chance that Duo's not gonna be okay, and you know it. What are we gonna do if he can't be a pilot?"
Wufei sighed and looked at his hands, avoiding my eyes. "I don't know," he admitted after a while. "I've thought about it, as hard as I tried not to, and I just... I don't know. Some things from the beginning are still true, much as we wish they weren't, and if Duo can't pilot, the only choice is..."
"We are not killing him!"
"I never said we were! I just don't know what else to DO!"
I bit back another sharp reply and looked back at my laptop's screen. I didn't blame Wufei, and I knew that he was no more willing to kill Duo than I was, but... I felt lost, confused, helpless. I didn't do well with any of those emotions. They always made me defensive, and when I got defensive, I got angry.
A slight pressure on my shoulder from Wufei's hand told me he understood and I felt a little of the tension run out of my body from the knowledge that I wasn't alone.
"We can talk to Sally," he suggested softly. "Maybe she can think of something. But we aren't making any decisions until we see him, right? He might be okay."
I nodded, not really looking at him, and he stood up. "I'm gonna go make some coffee, you want any?"
"Sure. Thanks."
He snorted and muttered, "Anything to keep busy," before leaving. I smiled briefly, understanding that all to well. The motion sensors activated suddenly, warnings flashing across the screen, and I held my breath as Deathscythe slowly landed between Wing and Shenlong.
He was back. He was alive. Everything else was uncertain, but he was alive.
My heart was pounding in my chest, relief making my breath catch in my throat. I ached to go out and see if he was alright, to hold him in my arms and kiss him and touch him and just BE with him, but... he didn't want that. He wanted time alone. He didn't want me there just yet.
"You could have told me he was back," Wufei said archly, and I quirked a wry grin.
"I got distracted."
"Understandable." He looked over my shoulder to see the screen and his shoulders sagged with relief when he spotted the sleek, black Gundam. He whispered a soft prayer of thanks in Chinese, and I added my heartfelt agreement.
The hatch opened slowly and Duo stepped into the sunlight. For a moment he just stood there, face up to the sky, breathing deeply. I took the moment to evaluate him, and was pleased to note that there were no visible injuries and his clothing wasn't torn in a single place. No cuts, that only left bruises. And broken bones. Torn muscles. Slipped disks. Okay, maybe I was getting paranoid.
Duo climbed down the Gundam, not bothering with the lift wire, and walked out of the camera's range. I shut down my laptop and walked downstairs with Wufei to meet him. Trowa was watching the news, but when he saw us he left without a word.
Duo looked tired when he came in, his face drawn and pale. His eyes were thoughtful, troubled. His hands were shaking slightly, but the rest of his body was still.
I opened my mouth to ask how he was, but the question seemed a little pathetic, so I changed it to, "Are you alright?"
He frowned, thinking about the question for a long time. "I think so," he finally admitted. "I mean, I'm not happy and I'm probably gonna have nightmares, but... the mission was easy, practically a cake-walk, no one came near to hurting me or Deathscythe, I was... fuck it all to hell, I was a Gundam pilot. And I think... I think I'm okay with that."
I wrapped him up in my arms, crushing his body against mine and kissing his neck. Relief flooded my being, making my skin tingle and my heartbeat race. He was okay. He was fine. He was sane. He was going to stay with me. With us, I amended as Wufei joined the hug.
We were together, and we could stay that way. We WERE going to stay that way. No one, not OZ not our 'bosses', not the hounds of hell, would tear us apart now.