Boys Don't Cry
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Thanks to the reviewers!
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Chapter Three.
Harry was surprised to see that the room was dark as he blinked and tried to get his eyes adjusted to the gloomy atmosphere. The soft rays from outside were peeking only slightly, but apparently she had put some kind of barrier on the window. He silently closed the door behind him as he saw a dark, lone figure sitting at the edge of the bed, her back turned to him. She was facing the window.
He felt happiness and excitement leap around inside him as he halted and took in the sight of her. His heart was beating fast and hard, letting his eyes roam at her figure.
"Mrs. Weasley said you were up already," he said quietly. He watched as her body suddenly stiffened. He smiled, his emerald eyes twinkling. She slowly turned around, and as soon as she saw him, her brown eyes widened.
"Harry?" she whispered, shocked and in awe. He nodded, smiling widely, as he strode over to her and collected her in his arms. He held her tight and firmly, closing his eyes. He took in that familiar scent on her skin and hair, her breaths hard against his neck. She felt warm in his arms, and it felt dreamlike; as if a fantasy he had dreamed of for years had finally come true. He felt her arms wrap around him just as tightly as she was whispering into his ear. After a few moments, they slowly pulled back, still keeping his arms bound around her. Her deep brown eyes were glossy, as tears spilled down her cheeks. She was trembling in his arms, staring into his deep green eyes. He smiled down on her, feeling his heart melt and his nerves burst with longing and love.
"It's you… it's really you," she whispered through her tears. "I can't believe it... you're back…" He raised his hand and swept his fingers across her cheeks slowly, wiping away her tears. He rested his palm against her cheek, the warmth of her skin underneath his fingertips seeming so surreal. His mind swarmed with memories of that night… their night. The night he had left.
"Of course I'm back. I promised you, didn't I?" She smiled at him as she took in a ragged breath before he leaned down and pressed his lips against hers. Almost immediately, he felt the rush and emotions flood back to him, sweeping him away. He held her closer to him, deepening the kiss, eager to taste more of her, to show her how much he missed her. He felt her hands tangle in his hair, her touch sending tremors to buzz through him. He raised his hands and entangled them into her wavy locks, bringing her closer and closer until there was not a single inch between them. He could taste her salty tears, exploring the sweetness and warmth of her mouth, taking in more and more of her. His hands seemed to be burning, smoldering, eager to touch her smooth, bare skin again. His fingertips seemed vehement as they slid down again to her waist. She pulled away from him, out of breath, but he continued his kisses down her neck.
"Harry," she whimpered, remembering the night they had shared before. "Harry," she repeated, more urgently. She lowered her hands from his hair and pressed them against his chest, as if trying to push him away. "Harry, I don't think--" She pushed away from him. He remained close to her, but staggered back a bit. His hair was wilder than before, muddled.
"I'm sorry," he said, "I didn't mean to," he paused, looking into her eyes. "What is it?" Hermione frowned at him, stepping back. "Did I hurt you?" he asked, concerned at the look in her eyes. She sighed, as she sat back down on the bed, turning away from him. He stared at her, silent, waiting for her to explain. She sighed softly, looking up at the window. Little streams of light had managed to escape, bleeding through the edges that she had not covered.
"Harry," she said softly. He saw her look down sadly. Tears were still sliding down her cheeks, as she continued. "I don't know about this anymore." She finally looked at him, and his heart almost broke at what he saw.
Deep in her eyes, he saw finality, and pain. He saw that he had broken something deep inside her, hurt her in a way that he had never intended or wanted to. They were sad and dark, and they were filled with something that he had never seen before. And though he didn't know what it was, nor recognized it, he knew that it was something that controlled and convinced her heart, no matter what she insisted or felt.
He could feel his heart fall, his throat close up almost fully. She looked away, a tear running down her cheek.
"I thought of you, you know. And that you were gone." Harry felt his heart stop, and swallowed hard. He suddenly felt cold, but as if somehow he was burning up. "Why did you leave me, Harry?" she asked, as if desperate for an explanation. "How could you leave me? You said that you weren't going to leave without saying goodbye, and the next day, I wake up to see that you've gone without telling me, and that..." She didn't continue on. She didn't need to. He knew exactly what she had been going to say.
Her brown eyes were dark and pained, glossy from her tears. He felt his heart break, watching her like this, hearing her words.
Because they were true. Because he had hurt her. Because she just didn't understand.
"I knew that you would say it was for my own good. But was it, Harry?" she asked him. "Was it? Even when it hurt? I thought that you didn't care enough to say goodbye. That the other night was a mistake, that you--"
"No," he interrupted, taking her by the shoulders. His dark, emerald eyes pleaded at her. "I do care, Hermione, so much. And that night, it wasn't a mistake. It was anything but that. I was--"
She shook her head. "I heard you saying these things, over and over in my head," she said. "I replayed it, putting words in your mouth inside my mind that I thought you would say. But each time, Harry," tears glittered in her eyes, "each time, the more I heard it, the more I wanted to… the more it hurt."
Harry looked at her, his grip tightening. "No, Hermione," he said hoarsely. "No, you just don't understand--"
"It doesn't matter," she said, pulling away from him.
He shook his head. "It hurt too much to say goodbye, you know that! It felt like I was just reassuring the fact that I wasn't going to see you again!"
"Even when it was possible that you were never going to see me again after that? It hurt, Harry, I know that too well. But you can't just leave without saying a word about your changed plans and hope that I'll--"
"I was only trying to protect you!"
"Protect me? From what?" she said, her voice severing. "From wanting to be with you? From facing the awful truth that that night was a mistake? From waking up next to you and saying goodbye?" She sobbed silently, and Harry could feel the same painful and strangling feeling of helplessness return.
What had he done?
"I didn't want to lose you!" he said to her. "I didn't want to lose you like I lost my parents and Sirius! I wanted to have someone to come back to, someone to--"
"You made me promise, Harry!" she said, wiping away her tears with her hands. "You made me promise not to follow you! And I did, I promised. How do you think I was supposed to feel to know that you didn't trust me enough, even with that promise?"
"It's not that I didn't trust you, Hermione! I just knew that you were stubborn and that you didn't think clearly enough when it came to cases concerning me!"
"How do you know that?" she yelled. "How do you know that I haven't thought things out in those situations? How?"
"Because you perfectly well know that it's going to get you killed," he said, stepping closer to her. "You know what Voldemort could do. He did it to you, once before. And I don't ever want that to happen ever again, not to you, not to anyone."
"I'm not afraid," she said. "I'm wasn't afraid of him."
"Yeah, well, I was!" Harry yelled, frustrated. "I was afraid of what he's going to do when he gets a hold of you again! I was terrified out of my wits at the thought of him hurting you again! I was so scared that we wouldn't be able to save you again! You were so close to dying, Hermione! How do you think I'm supposed to feel?"
"And because of that, you thought I'd lie to you?"
"No, Hermione. Just listen to me-"
"I had time to think about this, Harry," she said. "I thought about the possibilities, everything. I thought about you and me. It just… can't work."
Harry gaped at her. "What?" he yelled, angry and shocked.
"You're always going to be afraid for me!" she said. "Even when you know well enough that it won't happen again!"
"Why else would I be so afraid for you?" Harry yelled, shaking with anger. "Tell me, Hermione, why else would I be scared as hell when it comes to you? Why would I be so damn terrified?"
"I… I don't know," she said feebly, her body shaking slightly.
"Because I love you!" he bellowed, and she stared at him, her eyes still sad. But now, they seemed darker than before.
She was not the Hermione he knew before. This was not her. It just couldn't be.
"I can't bear to lose you because I love you too much to ever live on without you! I love you too much to let you risk your bloody life for me! I couldn't let you go around risking your life for me when it was already in as much danger as it could be!" Hermione stared at him, silent. "You wonder why Voldemort took you, instead of Ron, even though you never asked. But I know you wonder about it, I see you thinking about it. And do you want to know why, Hermione?" His emerald eyes were dark, glittering dimly. "Because Voldemort knew how much you meant to me. He knew that by taking you, he would have the biggest advantage over me. He knew that I was too weak to see the woman I loved being tortured and made to suffer."
"Harry," she said softly, trembling. "Don't--"
"Why can't we be together?" he asked, still angry. "Why not? If we love each other? Why don't you want us to be together?" he demanded, his green eyes flashing.
"It's not that simple, Harry," she whispered. Her palms and fingers were damp from her tears.
"Then explain it to me. Make me understand," he whispered to her. Hermione took in a deep, ragged breath, looking into his eyes. Deep inside, he knew that she was hurting him more than she could ever know. She did not know exactly what he felt for her, she did not know her effect on him.
And he just wanted to grab her by the shoulders and try to make her understand, somehow.
"What if someone else comes along?" she asked. "What's going to happen? Are you just going to push me into hiding again, without telling me? Are you going to lock me up? What are you going to do, Harry?"
Harry looked into her eyes, begging for her to come to her senses, but she did not waver.
He sighed. "What is it, Hermione?" he asked quietly, sadness and hurt clouding his eyes. "What is it that you want me to do? I'll do it, anything. Anything to make you love me again."
She shook her heard, her tears raining down. "It isn't about love, Harry," she said softly. "I already love you too much as it is." She looked pained as she said this.
"Then what is it? What else could it be?"
"I don't want to be left behind," she said. "I don't want unspoken goodbyes," she swallowed hard, the tears falling faster. "I don't want to know that someone I loved couldn't even bear to say a mere goodbye."
Harry stared at her speechless, feeling tears well up in his own eyes.
This was it. The end. Their end.
He felt as if his world had suddenly come to such an abrupt stop, leaving him staggering and the atmosphere in a swirling blur around him. The air was cold and he could still hear her voice, his sad and determined but hurt emerald eyes burning into hers. And although he wanted to keep fighting, to keep climbing until he could reach her once again, he felt defeat mount in him. His anger had vanished, and all that was left was despair, guilt and a deep, penetrating sadness that he had never felt so strongly before.
And a broken heart.
Two broken hearts.
Suddenly, he heard the door behind them open, as he heard a familiar voice.
"Harry? Hermione? Is everything alright?" He knew it was Remus. Hermione raised her hand to quickly wipe away her tears, before rushing past him. He grabbed her arm, as he forced her to turn around. He would not let go. Her brown eyes pleaded at him.
"I'm sorry that I hurt you, Hermione," he said to her, quietly. "But I'm not sorry that I left you here. I'm not sorry for loving you so much that I did what I did." He softened his grasp on her, as she gave him one last solemn look with her dark brown eyes, pulled her arm away and walked out of the room.
Remus let her pass through, looking at Harry, his eyes filled with concern. As soon as she had walked past him, he could feel the air become colder, prickling his skin, and the darkness surrounding him thicken. She was gone. He couldn't believe it.
Harry let out a deep ragged sigh, as he sat down on her bed and dug his head in his hands. His heart was heavy, buckling and crumbling down from the immense weight. The darkness swirled inside his eyelids as he heard the door close gently and footsteps walk towards him. He felt Remus sit down beside him
"What happened, Harry?" Remus asked quietly. Harry could slowly feel the ripping of his heart; he could hear the splintering echo chiming through his ears. He could still her tear-streaked face, her deep and dark, sad eyes. He could still hear her voice as she spoke through her tears.
"I don't know what to do, Remus," Harry said, his voice hoarse. "Hermione just doesn't understand… she just… she doesn't know, and I can't make her understand." Harry suddenly felt like crying, remembering her words as she had told him that they could not be together. It had sounded so final. So final that it hurt him just thinking about it.
"Harry," he heard Remus say in a calm voice. "Maybe… maybe you just ought to give her some time. She's had a hard past few days."
"You don't know her," Harry said, "You don't know her. She said that we couldn't be together, that things just can't work out. How could she say that? How?"
"Harry… just try talking to her again after things cool down a bit." Harry let out a sight that shook his body. Remus looked down at him sympathetically. "I'm sorry," he said softly. Harry didn't raise his head from his hands, as silence followed after.
"I love her, Remus," Harry said, lifting his head up to look at him. His bright green eyes now looked dark, sad and cloudy. They looked weary, like an old man's eyes after a hard day at work. "I don't know what I'll do without her," he whispered. "I need her."
"Harry… at your age." Remus paused, unsure how to take things. "In the world, girls are not everything," he said lamely, failing to put it in a more articulate way. "I'll bet, there are many girls out there, who would just die to be with you."
"None of them are Hermione," he said quietly. "And she's different. She is everything."
Remus sighed, defeated.
"I'm sure she'll come to her senses soon enough," he said. "And… there's always Hogwarts, so maybe you two will make up there. You only have about three more days until you return with Professor Dumbledore."
Harry stayed silent.
"Harry, I'm sure things will get better. And soon, things will be back to the way they were, with you and Hermione."
Harry didn't respond. He could still feel his heart reeling and lurching, aching from the fact that things would never be the same again, despite what Remus had said. He was not going to be able to hold her, to laugh and smile with her, to talk to her like before. Remus didn't understand. Nobody did. Not even Hermione.
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Lunch was a quiet one. Hermione avoided looking at and sitting next to Harry. Harry had settled next to Remus, while Hermione took a seat beside Matthew. Harry noticed that Remus kept glancing at him worriedly, then at Hermione, who was just eating silently, avoiding any conversation or eye contact with anyone. Harry wanted to reach out to her, talk to her, but he knew that she was just out of his reach. And though she was right there, in front of him, sleeping inside the same house… he could not find a way to get to her. Not anymore.
It hurt to know that he had lost his way to her. Just like he had lost her heart.
There had been some feeble laughter and conversations that carried on with the members, but Harry just ate his lunch weakly, the noise distinct to his ears. He kept his eyes down, glancing only once in a while at the brown haired girl who had managed to break his heart as easily as she had captured it, across the table and some seats ahead. Thinking of her somehow angered him slightly, because of his feelings towards her.
She had broken his heart. But yet he still loved her though he had tried to forgo his feelings for her.
His fingertips seemed icy and his limbs felt heavy. He kept glancing at Hermione, and fought to tear his eyes away and destroy the hope that she would ever look his way. Matthew had noticed the oddness of Harry's behavior, as he put down his glass.
"Harry, are you feeling alright? You don't look well," he said quietly. The members looked at Harry, curiosity and concern flickering in their eyes.
Harry smiled weakly. "I'm just a bit tired, that's all," he had said, then turned his eyes back down to his plate. But not before he had caught Hermione's eyes for a split moment. They were dark and dim, and it felt as if he was staring into a deep pit that he could not see the bottom of. She turned away before he could read any more.
Molly and the others, including Remus, tried to engage Harry or Hermione in a conversation but failed with only a two-worded response. Everyone seemed to know that something had happened between the two students, because of their solemn faces and odd silence. Finally, Molly spoke up.
"Hermione, Professor Dumbledore has given permission to let you and Harry roam around Hogsmeade for a bit before you return to Hogwarts, for you two to spend some time alone together. That is, if you want to go. I know you've been cooped up in this house for far too long, and Harry must be eager to get out, also."
Harry tried to catch Hermione's eye again, but she was looking anywhere but him. She smiled faintly at Mrs. Weasley.
"Actually, Mrs. Weasley, that won't be necessary," she said quietly. The whole table quieted down, staring at her. A few people looked over at Harry, and he looked down. "Thank you for asking, I appreciate it." Molly raised one eyebrow at her, before Hermione looked down at her plate and stood up. Harry watched her intently.
"Excuse me," she said. "I'm quite full, and I'm still a bit tired." Harry opened his mouth to call after her as she turned, but it seemed as if he had lost his voice. He wanted to run after her, but knew that it would be no good. She would still turn and walk away, leaving him to stare and call after her. He turned back to his meal, playing with his food. He wasn't hungry.
Soon after, as their chatter and laughter returned to the table, Harry excused himself also. He walked up the stairs, feeling weary, until he stopped at Hermione's door. It was slightly open, as he was about to pass. He halted as he listened.
He heard sobbing. And it was muffled, as if she had somehow put a pillow and was crying into it. Harry closed his eyes, as he felt himself reach for the doorknob. His hand tightened around it, grasping firmly, listening to her stifled sobs through the door. He felt a certain darkness and sadness cover him, trying to decide whether he should come in, or just walk away and leave her alone. His throat felt as if it was swelling up, as he tried to swallow.
He knew that she had been hurt too. Hurt enough to cry when everyone was downstairs so she was sure they would not hear. She had also had her heart ripped apart to pieces.
Harry slowly let his grip loosen on the knob, as he leaned his forehead softly against the door. His eyes were still closed, imagining her with her face dug, a pillow in her hands, the room dark and the window still covered.
He could almost remember the taste of her tears as he had kissed them away once before.
Slowly he stepped back, opening his eyes to meet with the bare door that stood in front of him. Her subdued sobs were ringing in his ears as he turned around and walked away.
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Harry did not come down for dinner and Remus had come up to fetch him. Harry simply told him that he was tired and wasn't hungry. And with a sigh, Remus closed the door and made his way down to the dinning hall.
He had not lied to Remus. What he said was true. He didn't have an appetite, and he was weary and tired.
But he didn't exactly tell him the whole truth.
He knew that he couldn't bear to face her, that uncomfortable silence that was forced upon them. He did not want to see her avoid him. He didn't want to see her get up and leave before everyone else had not even to get finished with their meal.
Seeing her that way hurt him.
Harry lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. The sky had darkened; the light that had been pouring out of his window was now dim and restricted. The room was gloomy and cold, his body feeling non-existent on the soft cushion. He heard footsteps on the stairs at times, and across the hall, but nothing but silence besides that.
He felt as if he had fallen out of the world he had lived in for all his life. As if all of a sudden, he had woken up to find himself hurt and cold, everything he had known to be changed and altered. The world no longer seemed to have that glowing sunlight, and was now dominated by darkness and shadows that tormented and taunted. His soul felt numb, his throat still strangled and closed. He did not recognize this. His body felt heavy, sinking into the soft cushion of the bed. He felt like he was drowning, calling out and screaming, the bitter tide eating him whole. His lungs felt restricted and chained, his body stiff and frozen.
He had never known this feeling before. As if he was sinking and drowning, falling to the bottom of the lake of his lost memories. He wanted to reach out to something, to someone, to hold on.
But as he tried to picture that someone, reaching out and gripping his hand tightly, he only saw one person.
Hermione.