*blinks* WOW! I got a LOT of reviews for this one. Sorry this chapter took so long in coming out, I have been *VERY* busy lately. Anyway, thanks to all my wonderful reviewers! :)
Further thanks: to the people who gave me ideas, to the people who encouraged me, and to Karine, my beta!
Year 13 -
Home Again, Whoop-dee-doo!
After nine months in the wild, am feeling very refreshed. 'Til I talked to Arwen. Probably should have left a note stating I was leaving for an extended time. Have gotten major tongue lashing.
Son is now 13 years old. Valar help me, I now have a teenager under my roof. I hope he isn't going to be as bad as I was.
New baby due in a week. Arwen hoping for a girl again. Am hoping for a nice quiet child who doesn't get into trouble and obeys their parents. Legolas reminds me not to have false hopes. Tempted to ban Elf from Gondor again, but Son would tell Arwen. Tattle-tell son.
Week Later -
I now have a baby daughter! She's so cute. Although, I am now wary of innocent faces and cute little grins. Ada coming in three months to get jump start on spoiling fest. Yay, I'm so happy. Excuse the sarcasm.
Months Later -
Ada has managed to somehow turn both son and daughter into snotty nosed brats. Was highly amused when son thought it was a good idea to shave Ada's eyebrows off as he slept. Ada has went back to Rivendell to recuperate. Doubt he'll be back anytime soon.
Year 14 -
Deciding to never have kids again....
Son has found out that one year olds don't care if it's the middle of the night when they're hungry. Have punished son when I caught him trying to sell his sister to his friends. He had better hope Arwen doesn't find out.
Next Day -
Arwen found out. Had to keep myself from laughing at the lecture he received from his mother. She-Elves are not people to anger. Have learned that from experience.
Year 15 -
Yet another lesson learned in the great adventure of having kids....
Never leave small furry animal, glue, and two year old in the same room alone. Am still trying to scrape the kitten from the wall....
Year 15.5
Never....giving...daughter.....crayons....again...
Two and a half year old daughter has taken up drawing. She decided my throne room wasn't colorful enough. Now have servants trying to scrub various animals and elves from the floors and walls. Thankful the little brat...um....angel couldn't reach the ceiling.
Year 16
Cold baths always help:
The curse of hormones has struck my son. Caught him making out with Faramir's daughter in the cellar. He said he was just helping her fix her blouse. Psssshhh, yeah right. I've used that excuse too many times to be fooled by it.
Legolas thought it was quite amusing. Have also found out that Elladan and Elrohir have been giving my son dating tips. Will kill them later...
Year 16.5
No more paint either!
Would it be so bad if I strangled my daughter just a *little* bit? I mean, is it too much to ask for them *not* to touch my battle armor? Not only did she break that rule, she went above and beyond. My armor is pink. Not just any pink, noooo, it's BRIGHT pink. And wouldn't you know it, it was RIGHT BEFORE a battle. I didn't have time to get any other armor. Can you imagine me, the King of Gondor, riding into battle with bright pink armor? Faramir and Eomer wouldn't stop sniggering. "Accidentally" hit them with my sword and knocked them into a pond on the way home. Soldiers had a good laugh.
Year 17
Ada's back....
Ada obviously thought now would be a good time to visit. His eyebrows have been fully restored now, if not a little thinner around the edges. Have to keep from laughing every time I look at him though.
Daughter thought Ada's ring was very pretty. She decided to test out her stealth skills by stealing it from him while he slept. Noticed something was wrong when I saw a rain cloud that kept following son around and soaking him. Must kill brothers again for teaching daughter stealth skills. Although, very funny seeing son looking like drowned rat.
Year 18
Wondering where my son got his sense of humor.....
Son decided to get daughter back for the ring incident by scaring her half to death. Told her about the "sneeze of death". To my understanding, he said when you sneeze, your heart stops. This would have been enough to frighten a five year old, but he went on to say that the fourth sneeze was the sneeze of death. Daughter caught a cold the next day, sneezed four times in a row, and proceeded to scream like a banshee. Ada had been sleeping at the time, and fell off of his bed. Son has been properly punished by Arwen. No idea as to what she did, but he walks around looking half terrified now. Would feel sorry for him but Ada glares at me every time he sees me now. Something about not knowing how to properly raise children.....as if he can talk. Speaking of my brothers, should really find out what they're up to. They haven't been around for a week now....
Year 18.5
To say that I have the most immature brothers would be an understatement.....
Found out what those "adult" brothers of mine were up to. They apparently decided that Eomer had too many horses, and stole them. That would have been fine, as I know they wouldn't do anything to the horses, but they put them in *my* stables. Eomer has very sharp and pointy sword.....
Will kill brothers later.....have to go get arm bandaged up first. It was worth it when Eomer found out I wasn't the culprit though. Poor guy, never seen someone apologize that much...
Year 19
Had the most interesting of wake-up calls...
I was sleeping peacefully last night until I heard the loudest racket. Grabbed my sword and ran out the door to see what it was. Found son lying in a heap at the bottom of the stairs. He was obviously trying to sneak out and meet what's-her-name again. Am glad I installed trip wire at top of stairs now.....
Year 19.5
How many "phases" does a kid go through?!
Okay, so, I was okay with the crying phase. Then came the "spoiled brat" phase. (Which she still hasn't gotten over in my opinion.) Then there was the "artistic" phase. Now....it's the naked phase.
In the middle of a *very* important meeting, daughter came running through the room butt naked, quickly followed by five maids, all trying to get her into various bits of clothing. After muttering a quick apology to my advisors, I ran out the door after her........and right into Legolas. Was amusing watching the blonde elf bounce down three sets of staircases, but have decided to keep my distance from him for a few weeks. Or years. Finally caught daughter and gave her to Arwen. Hope this phase won't last as long as the last one.....
Year 20
One kid down, one to go....
Son is no longer a teenager! Yay me! Had big celebration for him, claimed it was because he is now a man. *snort* Yeah right. Am very worried now though, caught the glances he was sending towards Faramir's daughter. Again. The two of them have suspiciously disappeared. Have sent out guards to find them......
-A Week Later-
Found them. Faramir's daughter had to be checked over by Ada for some reason. Will find out why later. Faramir also doesn't know. Hope she isn't catching the flu.
-Three Months Later-
Was rudely awoken this morning by Faramir strangling me. He kept screaming that "I knew about it", and "didn't tell him". When Legolas finally pried his hands from my neck, I was able to find out what he kept going on about.
His daughter is pregnant. Which means.....I'm a grandfather.
After I woke up (smelling salts really stink you know), I proceeded to strangle son. Unfortunately Ada was there. Told me it wouldn't be right. Though, am beginning to think he found the whole thing amusing. Also told me it would be good for me.......that I needed to "grow up", finally. Wonder if it's possible to strangle an elf lord.....
Arwen is a very happy she-elf right now. Carted Faramir's daughter off to be pampered. Why pregnant women need so much chocolate I'll never know...
Faramir has stopped trying to kill me and just settles for very dark glares. He must be taking lessons from Ada.
Decided to give son a home of his own. He and Faramir's daughter are to be wed next year. Am just glad that the baby won't be staying *here*.
Year 20.5
Water Phobias suck.....
Decided to teach daughter how to swim. Took her down to one of the ponds and watched her eye the water for about ten minutes. Got very annoyed and ended up just throwing her in. The old "swim or drown" trick that the twins used on me obviously wasn't a good idea. Had to dive in after her and pull her back onto the bank. Temper got the best of me that moment, as Legolas kept paddling around the pond on his back, laughing. Threw a very heavy rock on his chest and watched him sink to the bottom. Got in trouble twice with Arwen, as daughter told on me, then Legolas. Prissy elves.
Year 21
Payback is sweet!
Son and Faramir's daughter were finally wed. Gave him a new sword as a wedding gift. Probably should have gotten him ear muffs, as the baby was born a week later. Definitely glad the little terror isn't living here. HAH! Son told me he was sorry for being a mean little kid. Hate it for son, as Ada has decided to stay with him for a month. Baby will be spoiled before he can talk.
Legolas decided to get revenge on me for the whole pond incident. Tied me upside down to my horse and rode me around the countryside. Big rocks hurt.......
Elf will get it later...........
-A Week Later-
I think the whole kingdom has noticed Legolas dangling upside down from the tallest tower by his feet. Revenge is definitely sweet. Glad I gagged him, he kept trying to curse me into the next age. Wonder if I should get him down now......
Year 22
Very glad there is a water barrel in the kitchen.....
Daughter has apparently entered the "cooking" phase now. Decided she wanted to help cater for one of the royal banquets. Set the food on fire.....set the chef on fire.......kitchen has scorch marks everywhere. She has been banned from the kitchen. Chef is angry at me. Blames me for the blister marks on his backside. *I* wasn't the one who told her she could help! It was Arwen! But does my beautiful wife get blamed? Noooo. It's me. Always me!
Suppose the dead fly in my dinner was Chef's idea of revenge. Hope he likes his new dead warg in the kitchen.
Year 22.5
Hobbits came to visit!
Frodo and the gang decided to visit Gondor. Son has been hanging out with Merry and Pippin quite a lot. I think the hobbits are sharing embarrassing stories about me. Wonder if son wants to know about the time Pippin loosed all the goblins in Moria on us....it was accidentally but son doesn't need to know that.
Daughter has made fast friends with Sam's daughter. The two have been making more mischief that Legolas and I had when I lived in Rivendell. Guards have learned not to accept the offer of a make-up party from the two. Although it was very funny watching them try to scrub off Arwen's face paint......
-Next Day-
Son has decided to try out hobbit weed. Hobbits neglected to tell him the effect it has on elves until he started stripping in the middle of a bar convinced he was covered in slugs. Took two days for him to get over the effect. Legolas avoiding hobbits, too scared of a repeat of the last time he was around hobbit weed. Still sniggering over that one.
Year 23
Rain, Rain, go away...
It's been raining for a WEEK now, no sign of stopping. Ada went back to Rivendell, so no help from him. It wouldn't be so bad, but I had to go inspect one of the villages just up the hill. My horse refused to carry me (Prissy elvish horse) so I walked the whole way there. Was fine while walking back, until a heavy downpour started. Stepped in some very slick mud, and slid all the way down the hill......landed in a very large puddle. Legolas just happened to be walking by at the time, and thought it was funny. Elf ran to the palace locked me out of my own home! Had to stand outside in the stables til Arwen let me in. Took an hour to get all the mud off.
Elf is in for it. No doubt about it.
Year 23.5
Baby-Sitting.....wheee....
Son asked me to baby sit grandchild, who is two now. Should not have but baby kept going "papa" in a very cute way. Curse cuteness! Was tempted to make a new law in Gondor.."No public displays of 'cute' in any kind"....wouldn't have gone over well with Arwen though. Damn she elves...
Now, if you'll excuse me, grandchild has escaped crib again. Must go find him.
-Next Day-
Grandchild found Legolas' old bow. And an arrow. Grandchild has surprisingly good aim. Was tempted to throw Ada out the nearest, and highest, window when he kept laughing while muttering "shot by a two year old" under his breath. Have given evil child of Mordor back to son. Surprised my eyebrows are still intact.....
Year 24
Hah! Take THAT Legolas....
Had a big costume party yesterday. Daughter begged to go. She dressed up as Cupid. With a real bow and arrow. She kept saying something about Legolas needing to get laid and shot him in the arse with an arrow. Don't think that will help him much in the romance department. Then again, the nurse had a surprisingly good time pulling the arrow from his bum and treating the wound. Have sent daughter off to stay with son until Legolas cools down a bit.
*Snigger*.......prissy elf.
Year 24.5
Cat fight......
Legolas tried to get daughter back by leaving bucket of mud above doorway. Plan backfired when Arwen walked through the door. Never seen Legolas run so fast in my life. Daughter and I couldn't stop laughing. He better hope Arwen doesn't catch him.
-Week Later-
Arwen caught him. Wonder how long it'll take for his hair to grow back.....
Year 25
Leaving Gondor.....that's it.......
Arwen is pregnant *sniff* again! *sob* I can't take another kid! Two was enough for me! Then there is the grandkid who's four now. I have a bald spot in the back of my head from ripping my hair out. Oh, here comes Ada with some healing tea. Good, I'll need it before my trip.
-A Week Later-
Damn ada and his sleeping potion! Woke up tied to the bed. Where I'm currently at now. Ada says I'm staying with Arwen whether I like it or not.
Maybe I can stab myself with the quill.......
Well, the end of another chapter. I seriously hope that you guys liked it, and there will be more chapters coming. Hopefully faster than this one! LOL.
Further thanks: to the people who gave me ideas, to the people who encouraged me, and to Karine, my beta!
Year 13 -
Home Again, Whoop-dee-doo!
After nine months in the wild, am feeling very refreshed. 'Til I talked to Arwen. Probably should have left a note stating I was leaving for an extended time. Have gotten major tongue lashing.
Son is now 13 years old. Valar help me, I now have a teenager under my roof. I hope he isn't going to be as bad as I was.
New baby due in a week. Arwen hoping for a girl again. Am hoping for a nice quiet child who doesn't get into trouble and obeys their parents. Legolas reminds me not to have false hopes. Tempted to ban Elf from Gondor again, but Son would tell Arwen. Tattle-tell son.
Week Later -
I now have a baby daughter! She's so cute. Although, I am now wary of innocent faces and cute little grins. Ada coming in three months to get jump start on spoiling fest. Yay, I'm so happy. Excuse the sarcasm.
Months Later -
Ada has managed to somehow turn both son and daughter into snotty nosed brats. Was highly amused when son thought it was a good idea to shave Ada's eyebrows off as he slept. Ada has went back to Rivendell to recuperate. Doubt he'll be back anytime soon.
Year 14 -
Deciding to never have kids again....
Son has found out that one year olds don't care if it's the middle of the night when they're hungry. Have punished son when I caught him trying to sell his sister to his friends. He had better hope Arwen doesn't find out.
Next Day -
Arwen found out. Had to keep myself from laughing at the lecture he received from his mother. She-Elves are not people to anger. Have learned that from experience.
Year 15 -
Yet another lesson learned in the great adventure of having kids....
Never leave small furry animal, glue, and two year old in the same room alone. Am still trying to scrape the kitten from the wall....
Year 15.5
Never....giving...daughter.....crayons....again...
Two and a half year old daughter has taken up drawing. She decided my throne room wasn't colorful enough. Now have servants trying to scrub various animals and elves from the floors and walls. Thankful the little brat...um....angel couldn't reach the ceiling.
Year 16
Cold baths always help:
The curse of hormones has struck my son. Caught him making out with Faramir's daughter in the cellar. He said he was just helping her fix her blouse. Psssshhh, yeah right. I've used that excuse too many times to be fooled by it.
Legolas thought it was quite amusing. Have also found out that Elladan and Elrohir have been giving my son dating tips. Will kill them later...
Year 16.5
No more paint either!
Would it be so bad if I strangled my daughter just a *little* bit? I mean, is it too much to ask for them *not* to touch my battle armor? Not only did she break that rule, she went above and beyond. My armor is pink. Not just any pink, noooo, it's BRIGHT pink. And wouldn't you know it, it was RIGHT BEFORE a battle. I didn't have time to get any other armor. Can you imagine me, the King of Gondor, riding into battle with bright pink armor? Faramir and Eomer wouldn't stop sniggering. "Accidentally" hit them with my sword and knocked them into a pond on the way home. Soldiers had a good laugh.
Year 17
Ada's back....
Ada obviously thought now would be a good time to visit. His eyebrows have been fully restored now, if not a little thinner around the edges. Have to keep from laughing every time I look at him though.
Daughter thought Ada's ring was very pretty. She decided to test out her stealth skills by stealing it from him while he slept. Noticed something was wrong when I saw a rain cloud that kept following son around and soaking him. Must kill brothers again for teaching daughter stealth skills. Although, very funny seeing son looking like drowned rat.
Year 18
Wondering where my son got his sense of humor.....
Son decided to get daughter back for the ring incident by scaring her half to death. Told her about the "sneeze of death". To my understanding, he said when you sneeze, your heart stops. This would have been enough to frighten a five year old, but he went on to say that the fourth sneeze was the sneeze of death. Daughter caught a cold the next day, sneezed four times in a row, and proceeded to scream like a banshee. Ada had been sleeping at the time, and fell off of his bed. Son has been properly punished by Arwen. No idea as to what she did, but he walks around looking half terrified now. Would feel sorry for him but Ada glares at me every time he sees me now. Something about not knowing how to properly raise children.....as if he can talk. Speaking of my brothers, should really find out what they're up to. They haven't been around for a week now....
Year 18.5
To say that I have the most immature brothers would be an understatement.....
Found out what those "adult" brothers of mine were up to. They apparently decided that Eomer had too many horses, and stole them. That would have been fine, as I know they wouldn't do anything to the horses, but they put them in *my* stables. Eomer has very sharp and pointy sword.....
Will kill brothers later.....have to go get arm bandaged up first. It was worth it when Eomer found out I wasn't the culprit though. Poor guy, never seen someone apologize that much...
Year 19
Had the most interesting of wake-up calls...
I was sleeping peacefully last night until I heard the loudest racket. Grabbed my sword and ran out the door to see what it was. Found son lying in a heap at the bottom of the stairs. He was obviously trying to sneak out and meet what's-her-name again. Am glad I installed trip wire at top of stairs now.....
Year 19.5
How many "phases" does a kid go through?!
Okay, so, I was okay with the crying phase. Then came the "spoiled brat" phase. (Which she still hasn't gotten over in my opinion.) Then there was the "artistic" phase. Now....it's the naked phase.
In the middle of a *very* important meeting, daughter came running through the room butt naked, quickly followed by five maids, all trying to get her into various bits of clothing. After muttering a quick apology to my advisors, I ran out the door after her........and right into Legolas. Was amusing watching the blonde elf bounce down three sets of staircases, but have decided to keep my distance from him for a few weeks. Or years. Finally caught daughter and gave her to Arwen. Hope this phase won't last as long as the last one.....
Year 20
One kid down, one to go....
Son is no longer a teenager! Yay me! Had big celebration for him, claimed it was because he is now a man. *snort* Yeah right. Am very worried now though, caught the glances he was sending towards Faramir's daughter. Again. The two of them have suspiciously disappeared. Have sent out guards to find them......
-A Week Later-
Found them. Faramir's daughter had to be checked over by Ada for some reason. Will find out why later. Faramir also doesn't know. Hope she isn't catching the flu.
-Three Months Later-
Was rudely awoken this morning by Faramir strangling me. He kept screaming that "I knew about it", and "didn't tell him". When Legolas finally pried his hands from my neck, I was able to find out what he kept going on about.
His daughter is pregnant. Which means.....I'm a grandfather.
After I woke up (smelling salts really stink you know), I proceeded to strangle son. Unfortunately Ada was there. Told me it wouldn't be right. Though, am beginning to think he found the whole thing amusing. Also told me it would be good for me.......that I needed to "grow up", finally. Wonder if it's possible to strangle an elf lord.....
Arwen is a very happy she-elf right now. Carted Faramir's daughter off to be pampered. Why pregnant women need so much chocolate I'll never know...
Faramir has stopped trying to kill me and just settles for very dark glares. He must be taking lessons from Ada.
Decided to give son a home of his own. He and Faramir's daughter are to be wed next year. Am just glad that the baby won't be staying *here*.
Year 20.5
Water Phobias suck.....
Decided to teach daughter how to swim. Took her down to one of the ponds and watched her eye the water for about ten minutes. Got very annoyed and ended up just throwing her in. The old "swim or drown" trick that the twins used on me obviously wasn't a good idea. Had to dive in after her and pull her back onto the bank. Temper got the best of me that moment, as Legolas kept paddling around the pond on his back, laughing. Threw a very heavy rock on his chest and watched him sink to the bottom. Got in trouble twice with Arwen, as daughter told on me, then Legolas. Prissy elves.
Year 21
Payback is sweet!
Son and Faramir's daughter were finally wed. Gave him a new sword as a wedding gift. Probably should have gotten him ear muffs, as the baby was born a week later. Definitely glad the little terror isn't living here. HAH! Son told me he was sorry for being a mean little kid. Hate it for son, as Ada has decided to stay with him for a month. Baby will be spoiled before he can talk.
Legolas decided to get revenge on me for the whole pond incident. Tied me upside down to my horse and rode me around the countryside. Big rocks hurt.......
Elf will get it later...........
-A Week Later-
I think the whole kingdom has noticed Legolas dangling upside down from the tallest tower by his feet. Revenge is definitely sweet. Glad I gagged him, he kept trying to curse me into the next age. Wonder if I should get him down now......
Year 22
Very glad there is a water barrel in the kitchen.....
Daughter has apparently entered the "cooking" phase now. Decided she wanted to help cater for one of the royal banquets. Set the food on fire.....set the chef on fire.......kitchen has scorch marks everywhere. She has been banned from the kitchen. Chef is angry at me. Blames me for the blister marks on his backside. *I* wasn't the one who told her she could help! It was Arwen! But does my beautiful wife get blamed? Noooo. It's me. Always me!
Suppose the dead fly in my dinner was Chef's idea of revenge. Hope he likes his new dead warg in the kitchen.
Year 22.5
Hobbits came to visit!
Frodo and the gang decided to visit Gondor. Son has been hanging out with Merry and Pippin quite a lot. I think the hobbits are sharing embarrassing stories about me. Wonder if son wants to know about the time Pippin loosed all the goblins in Moria on us....it was accidentally but son doesn't need to know that.
Daughter has made fast friends with Sam's daughter. The two have been making more mischief that Legolas and I had when I lived in Rivendell. Guards have learned not to accept the offer of a make-up party from the two. Although it was very funny watching them try to scrub off Arwen's face paint......
-Next Day-
Son has decided to try out hobbit weed. Hobbits neglected to tell him the effect it has on elves until he started stripping in the middle of a bar convinced he was covered in slugs. Took two days for him to get over the effect. Legolas avoiding hobbits, too scared of a repeat of the last time he was around hobbit weed. Still sniggering over that one.
Year 23
Rain, Rain, go away...
It's been raining for a WEEK now, no sign of stopping. Ada went back to Rivendell, so no help from him. It wouldn't be so bad, but I had to go inspect one of the villages just up the hill. My horse refused to carry me (Prissy elvish horse) so I walked the whole way there. Was fine while walking back, until a heavy downpour started. Stepped in some very slick mud, and slid all the way down the hill......landed in a very large puddle. Legolas just happened to be walking by at the time, and thought it was funny. Elf ran to the palace locked me out of my own home! Had to stand outside in the stables til Arwen let me in. Took an hour to get all the mud off.
Elf is in for it. No doubt about it.
Year 23.5
Baby-Sitting.....wheee....
Son asked me to baby sit grandchild, who is two now. Should not have but baby kept going "papa" in a very cute way. Curse cuteness! Was tempted to make a new law in Gondor.."No public displays of 'cute' in any kind"....wouldn't have gone over well with Arwen though. Damn she elves...
Now, if you'll excuse me, grandchild has escaped crib again. Must go find him.
-Next Day-
Grandchild found Legolas' old bow. And an arrow. Grandchild has surprisingly good aim. Was tempted to throw Ada out the nearest, and highest, window when he kept laughing while muttering "shot by a two year old" under his breath. Have given evil child of Mordor back to son. Surprised my eyebrows are still intact.....
Year 24
Hah! Take THAT Legolas....
Had a big costume party yesterday. Daughter begged to go. She dressed up as Cupid. With a real bow and arrow. She kept saying something about Legolas needing to get laid and shot him in the arse with an arrow. Don't think that will help him much in the romance department. Then again, the nurse had a surprisingly good time pulling the arrow from his bum and treating the wound. Have sent daughter off to stay with son until Legolas cools down a bit.
*Snigger*.......prissy elf.
Year 24.5
Cat fight......
Legolas tried to get daughter back by leaving bucket of mud above doorway. Plan backfired when Arwen walked through the door. Never seen Legolas run so fast in my life. Daughter and I couldn't stop laughing. He better hope Arwen doesn't catch him.
-Week Later-
Arwen caught him. Wonder how long it'll take for his hair to grow back.....
Year 25
Leaving Gondor.....that's it.......
Arwen is pregnant *sniff* again! *sob* I can't take another kid! Two was enough for me! Then there is the grandkid who's four now. I have a bald spot in the back of my head from ripping my hair out. Oh, here comes Ada with some healing tea. Good, I'll need it before my trip.
-A Week Later-
Damn ada and his sleeping potion! Woke up tied to the bed. Where I'm currently at now. Ada says I'm staying with Arwen whether I like it or not.
Maybe I can stab myself with the quill.......
Well, the end of another chapter. I seriously hope that you guys liked it, and there will be more chapters coming. Hopefully faster than this one! LOL.