Author's Note, please read - Hey, me again! Yes, I FINALLY updated! LOL. Anyway, just thought you all should know - this is the last chapter. I've ended it here as if I made another chapter, I would have nothing to write! I sadly used up all my ideas in the first three, hahaha! And so sorry for the long wait. I do hope that it was worth it though. ;-)
Also - I do realize this is entirely AU. The years are completely out of line (it's just how I ended up writing it) and the ages of the characters are odd, to say in the least. So don't say I did not warn you! LOL. The fic is meant to be funny and light-hearted anyway, so I wasn't really paying attention to making it sound realistic.
That's about all then. TONS of thanks to my reviewers! I'm so glad this fic got such a good reaction! :-D I do hope you all will review the last chapter and tell me what you think. I feel as though my humor muse has run off and left me! LOL. Enjoy the chapter! :D
See chapter one for disclaimer.
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Year 26 -
Oh dear Valar, another one!
The horror! The new kid (a girl, no less) looks so cute ... and innocent ... oh how I loathe innocent grins now. My second is thrilled over having a new baby sister. Son laughs at me. Says he is glad it is me and not him having another kid. That is okay though. Will just have to send kids over to their "big brother's house" for a week. Now must escape before Arwen forces me to make more warm milk and mashed bananas for third ...
Year 26.5
How I do love Ada's expressions ...
Finally got Ada back for that tea prank he pulled over on me. Decided to go on extended vacation at the Misty Mountain Spa and Resort with Arwen. Left both screaming children with him. Ada had the most sour expression as I handed him third. At first, I thought it was because she was screaming ... then the smell hit me and I noticed the stain on ada's new light grey robe. snicker He'll never get that out. Ah, have to rush now, time for my boiled rock massage ...
Year 27
Butt plug ... must invest in butt plugs ...
Valar! Thinks something is wrong with third child. The kid likes to excessively ... uhm ... to use the term my second uses, "poopoo". And third does it a LOT. Asked Gandalf about it, old bat said it was only natural, then laughed at me! HE doesn't have to live with it though. Would curse him but he is a wizard and that is must unwise...
Anyway, back to subject. Third "poopoo'd" again. Badly. While she was supposedly sleeping soundly in crib. Then proceeded to play patty cake with said poo. It. Was. Everywhere. On the walls ... on the floor ... in her hair ... now in MY hair ... UGH. Need shower. Now. Must ... get ... clean ...
Year 27.5
snerk Legolas has gone insane!
Poor Legolas. No I mean really, poor Legolas. A few nights ago Arwen and I were forced to go on a trip to take second to a friend's house, as her friend had "just got the cutest little pony, ada I really want to go, can I? Can I? Can I?" Anyway, Legolas accepted the offer of a job, as babysitter. For the youngest. He really was not prepared for that in the least.
When we got back, youngest was sleeping soundly in her crib. (A miracle; I do believe my heart stopped for a moment.) Legolas, however, was a mess. The poor Mirkwood native was huddled in the corner, shuddering badly with odd objects stuck in his hair. (It took Arwen quite a while to remove the sticky gum our children are fond of.) His feet were dyed blue, there were pictures drawn on various parts of his body, and his fingers were glued together. Needless to say, Legolas has taken up residence in the nearby woods to recuperate. I do hope he has managed to unstick his fingers though ...
Year 28
Glad I had at least some influence on second ...
It is a good thing my first taught me the true meaning of how to prevent heart attacks. Second sure as fire tried to give me one nigh on two weeks ago. After an ... interesting ... argument with the fifteen year old, she stormed from the room and supposedly into her quarters. How wrong one could be ...
It started when I was informed by two guards that a tavern wench looking suspiciously like my daughter was running through the palace and into one of the more filthy bars around. Afterwards, I learned several men recognized her for who she was ... my second, of course. They decided to kidnap second and use second for ransom. Arwen was beside herself with worry.
After gathering the guards and getting ready to march on the city myself to take her back, we received a rather large box. A rather large, loud box. Upon opening it, we found my second, bound and trussed with a gag in her mouth and a note on her forehead. The note said, "You are obviously raising the spawn of Morgoth - keep the brat and we shall keep our remaining limbs."
Elladan and Elrohir found amusement in the situation where I could not. Obviously, unknown to me, the two devious brothers of mine had shown my daughter the ... finer points to fighting dirty. After thanking them both, I was sure to throttle them soundly.
Now ... believe that heart attack I avoided has come back for revenge. Must find ada ...
Year 28.5
Was I so wrong? Really?
I fear I owe Legolas a great apology. It seems that my second is not as innocent as she wishes me to think. Let me explain.
Several days ago, I came upon my daughter and Legolas in one of the smaller towers ... with locked lips. When they noticed me, my daughter turned with an expression of what I thought to be fear, terror, and loathing. She explained to me that Legolas had attempted to molest her. Me, being the great father I am, without further ado, shoved the elf from the window. Where he plummeted three stories. Thank the Valar the dwarf broke his fall ...
However, that is not the point. My daughter, I now know, has certain ... feelings ... for the Mirkwood elf. I suppose I should have been suspicious when she asked me the week before if Legolas was single. Alas, I'm but a blind father. Perhaps I can lock daughter into one of the towers with guards around it so that she cannot lust after any man until she is of proper age to wed.
Yes, and Mordor will freeze over while Orcs start wearing pink, fluffy dresses.
I think I need another vacation ...
Year 29
The situation is funnier than it seems ...
Second had still not gotten over her Legolas infatuation. In fact, it seemed to have grown stronger. Much to Legolas' horror.
The night before last, Legolas decided he would rather be closer to the entrance (the reason escapes me), so he switched rooms with my ada. Imagine my second's surprise when she flung herself upon ada's bed squealing with delight. The look of utter disgust upon her face when she realized she was trying to kiss her grandfather will forever linger in my mind ... as well as Legolas'. The dratted elf won't stop laughing.
Ada forced Arwen to give second a good talking to while he fled back to Rivendell. Second is now so angry at Legolas she refuses to even look at him. He is very happy about this.
Perhaps I should not have laughed also, as second keeps giving me withering glares. Have I mentioned she looks too much like my ada in that department than I am comfortable with?
Year 29.5
When I least expected it!
Had thought Legolas to be over the whole window thing. Obviously not. He must somehow be related to Melkor, for his form of revenge is the most evil I have seen in quite a while.
Imagine this: I am innocently sitting at my desk (okay so I was dozing ... a king's paperwork is never done) when the door burst open, emitting a busty tavern wench intent on pinning me to my mattress. (Or any surface she could find, the desk seemed to suit her quite well.) In my sleep fogged, shocked mind, I of course froze completely as her lips descended upon mine and her hands groped in places that I would they rather not have.
Then, from the hall, I heard Legolas' laughter, as well as Arwen's voice. This was enough to cause panic, but what was worst was it seems they were headed right for my room. And when they walked through the door, as I attempted to remove the bulk of the woman from atop me, I automatically knew this to be a scheme of Legolas'. The evil glint in his eye by far passes any look from an enemy I have ever fought.
Suppose now I shall be sleeping on the royal couch while kissing the royal behind of the royal queen while I think of royal plans to get back at the evil elf Legolas ...
Year 30
Another moment ruined ...
Don't know what went wrong, really. It was the perfect moment. Second was off with a friend, and third was asleep. Arwen and I decided to have a private moment to ourselves (and try out the new bath oils sent from foreign lands), to relax a bit. Didn't work.
After climbing into the large tub (being a king has it's perks), we heard ... giggling. Looking to the door, we noticed two hands ... under the door ... waving at us. And from the hall, we heard this:
"What ada doing?"
It was then I realized my second was home earlier than planned. "He's doing IT, of course, what do you think they're doing in there?!"
"Doin' WHAT?"
I then promptly fled from the tub and pulled on a robe, hastening to shut the mouth of my second before she made third more curious than she already was, and to hopefully stop any rumors from spreading.
Two Days Later -
Legolas strikes again. This time at the dinner table. After watching him smirk for ten minutes or so, finally asked what he was laughing at. He asked, "So did you and Arwen have fun doing IT?" To which my third began snickering loudly, even if she did not know the meaning behind the joke.
Legolas must pay.
Year 30.5
Fate has a wicked sense of humor ...
Hahaha! Daughter-in-law is pregnant again. Son very worried. Keeps biting his nails. Had to have guards drag him from the cellar and take him home three times already. He finally stopped when Faramir threatened to spear him with a fork.
Arwen has predicted second grandchild shall be a boy. Good. Females are so much more complicated and I know I shall have to baby-sit the kid in the future.
Wow, my last remaining dark hair has just turned grey. How nice.
Year 31
Gah!
Received many large, colorful birds from the new lands we are making alliances with. Foreign leaders said the birds will bring luck to our future meetings together. Well ... they would have anyway.
Youngest saw the birds. Obsessed over the birds. Should have locked the birds up securely. Awoke this morning by the sound of wings flapping by my window and a shrill little voice going, "Fly birdies fly!"
Would not have been that bad had the archery group decided not to practice today. Suppose we shall be having bird for dinner tonight.
Year 31.5
A joyous day indeed
Grandchild born. It is a boy. Arwen scoffed at me when I was surprised. Told her she did not exactly predict our children when they were conceived. Gotta find ice for black eye.
Son told me perhaps his second will not be as devious as he was. Laughed in son's face. He grinned and informed me he and daughter-in-law were thinking of vacation. Wonder if Legolas would baby-sit grandchildren ...
Year 32
I knew it ...
I really should not have let third eat so much candy. Really. Especially before the banquet where Gondor is entertaining guests from another land.
Their king decided to greet third in a fierce hug. (Traditional there, I'm told.) Third promptly turned green halfway through the hug and expelled the contents of her stomach onto his back. Violently.
Ada berated me for letting her have candy. Other king glared at me as if I plotted this. Legolas laughed. Twins snickered.
Must maim someone ...
Year 32.5
What's the use
Fires of Mordor! That child will be the death of me!
Third accidentally spilt dye on my new robes. Not that I minded much, the things were stiff and way too formal for my tastes. Told her it was fine, I was not mad. However, she took it upon herself to clean my robes. In the fountain. With lots of soap.
Now not only is the fountain clogged (with my new robes), but there is a mass of bubbles threatening to take over the top level of Minas Tirith. Found Legolas in a corner happily washing his hair. Guards are having bubble fights.
Realized have gone soft. Guards will be put through new training exercises. In the meantime has put pink dye in Legolas' shampoo. Hehehe.
Year 33
sigh
Another alliance almost lost. During dinner, one of the foreign leaders belched. Loudly. Is sure the man meant it as a compliment, but third child unfortunately took it the wrong way. In completely the wrong way. She began screaming loudly, "Ada he belched! He belched loudly! Put him in the corner! Put him in the corner and punish him! That was gross!"
Sadly, she was right. It is my custom to punish children by putting them in the corner for ten minutes. Foreign leader did not like being dragged to the corner by guards, nor held there at sword point. He cursed me loudly in whatever language he speaks (and I saw the twins taking notes of these curses - for future use, I'm sure). Third had extremely smug grin on her face as she taunted him.
I feel another war coming on.
Year 33.5
The road to Mordor is paved with good intentions
Arwen's conception day is tomorrow. Have no gift for her. Correction: NOW I have no gift for her. Did buy a beautifully dwarven crafted, stand up mirror. However, second and third saw it. Both demanded to be the ones to set it up in bedroom for Arwen as surprise.
It is not good to play tug-of-war with a mirror. Nor can a mirror survive a stumbled step and plunge down five stories. Second and third watched with anxious faces as the mirror shattered into many, many pieces.
Perhaps Arwen will like the nice new horse saddle I managed to find in the stables ...
Year 34
Another gone! Kind of ...
Second just had twenty-first birthday. Was thrilled for her, as now she is moving in with her friends. Unfortunately she decided to have one last sleepover here. With all of her friends. And several males.
Guards went into early retirement. Is constantly finding panties in random broom closets. All manner of animals have fled the stables. Ale is completely gone. Have had several un-preventable heart attacks. Daughter has suspicious looking hickey. And there is a dress on the dinning room chandelier that looks as if it has been glued there.
Dear Valar. I need sedatives.
Year 34.5
Memory is leaving with my age ...
How could I have forgotten Arwen's conception day? I had it marked on the calendar. It was written on my hand. I asked Legolas to remind me! (Okay so that last one wasn't exactly reliable ...)
Found Arwen in the garden. Decided to surprise her with a rose, so I plucked one from the flowers there. Presented it to her. Did not get the expected reaction, as she turned a surprising shade of red, then proceeded to try and bash me with a nearby shovel and drown me in the fountain.
Later after returning from unconsciousness learned Arwen had just planted the roses. Ow.
Year 35
Writing from the barn ...
Son dropped grandchildren off to stay with me for the day. The first eat all the food, drank all the wine, and took off with a friend. Second grandchild wanted to see horses. Set the horses loose. Hit me with a bat. Tied me up in the barn.
Perhaps I can wiggle just enough to get loose ...
...
Okay maybe not. Hopefully son will return soon and round up his Spawn of Morgoth before Minas Tirith ends up in ruins.
Year 35.5
At least I wasn't alone ...
At first, wondered why I found Legolas quickly packing and fleeing from Minas Tirith. The short answer surprised me - "No more children, no more children!" But I chalked it up to the strangeness of the Mirkwood elf.
Then son arrived. With both grandchildren and Faramir (who looked horrified) in tow. Dropped all three off with me and took off with Arwen.
Found myself with Faramir, having to baby-sit both grandchildren, as well as look after third. We will not speak of the evils that occurred but I do know that Faramir shall not be riding into battle anytime soon. Neither will I, for that matter.
Year 36
The Hobbits have fled!
Poor hobbits. Did not know my third was such a bully. Found two hobbit feet protruding from a trashcan, pulled Frodo from the can. Asked him what happened. Told me that third demanded mushrooms and pushed him in when he did not have any. Pippin was found by the guards, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. Merry no longer has any body hair.
Now I only hope we can find Sam in time ...
Next Day -
I doubt Sam will be gardening for the next month or so ...
Year 36.5
Must not show face in public, ever again ...
I only wanted a small birthday party. Was that too much to ask? Obviously so.
It seems that all children and grandchildren conspired against me. With the help of Arwen. Was unceremoniously captured, stripped, and flowers were glued to my body. I was then tied to a horse and paraded through Minas Tirith, amongst the cheering citizens who obviously found this highly amusing.
I was then doused with water to cleanse the flowers off and forced to flee back to the palace in my birthday suit ... oh the irony.
I'm sure my ... loyal ... subjects will remember this for many, many years.
Have marked out children from will. Everything I own will be left to my horse, Fluffy. See if they are laughing then.
Year 37
Ow ... ow ... ow
I knew I shouldn't have let third take up sewing. I just knew it.
I was ... persuaded (or more along the lines of, "Estel if you do not do this for our daughter then I am sure there are certain things I will most certainly NOT be doing for you!") to be the test dummy for a new dress of hers. After long hours of having to stand in one position, while being poked in very sensitive areas with a sharp needle, third claimed she was finished. I then asked if I could take the dress off. That's when she realized ... she had completely sewn me up in the dress.
It was in that moment that the twins walked in. I'm sure now they will never be able to look at the color pink the same way again.
Year 37.5
Elessar the candle ...
Second grandchild came over for a visit today. Decided to fly a kite, one given to him by ada. Unfortunately, said kite got stuck on a very tall tower. Guess who got the lovely job of fetching it down? That's right ... me.
As I got to the top, one of the worst things that could happen, did happen. A storm came up. Have I mentioned that storms in Minas Tirith are often times very bad? If not, I will say it now - they are. And from someone who knows - lightning hurts. A lot.
As I was struck, and apparently as I heard later from Legolas, I had, "Lit up Minas Tirith like you were the Beacon of Gondor itself!". Those below all had the same reaction:
"Oohh, pretty fireworks!"
Shall think up revenge while I am in the healing rooms.
Year 38
Never going on a roof again ... ever ... no matter what ...
The wine tasted odd. I knew that from the first sip. But it was perfect, in all it's forms. So I drank it, ignoring the note from the foreign land it came from. Two bottles later, I finally forced blurry eyes to focus on the scribbled line on the paper.
"Be careful - this is ten times as strong as what your people are used to."
Oh yes. I know this NOW, as I am back in the healing rooms. Again.
After my mind was seized by the wine (not long after reading the note), I - in my drunken stupor - decided to climb to the roof of a nearby house. I think I wanted to get a better look at Arwen in the royal bathtub, I'm not quite sure now. But the end result is the same. A loose tile upon the roof gave way, sending me careening from it, and doing a very bad impression of a bird. (No matter how hard you try, flapping your arms will NOT slow your fall. It only makes it all the more comical.)
I suppose that the twins may have found it funny, had I not used them as a landing pad. They are in the beds opposite me, giving me evil glares.
My only hope now is to heal before them and escape from their plans of revenge. Somehow ... I doubt that will happen.
Year 38.5
Depression ... it is one of those things ...
Legolas found me looking into my mirror today, with apparently an odd expression on my face. The elf asked what was wrong, so I told him. I expected sympathy. A ear to listen to my problems and soothe them away. Even pity! But no, I got the prissy "Oh-I-Am-So-Better-Than-You-Because-I-Can-Walk-On-Snow-And-You-Can't" attitude.
My problem was thus: I feel as if I am getting old. (And I truly am, my hair is completely white now, although that certainly isn't surprising!) Legolas stared at me for a few moments before bursting out in laughter. His reaction went as follows - "Haha! Yes, so sad that I cannot grow old and look forward to wrinkles, greying hair, and the decrease of one's bodily functions. How glad I am that I am not a puny mortal!" He then slapped me on the back and strutted from the room.
Although he did succeed in taking my mind off of my age ... as now I am bent on revenge. The elf shall get it and when I am done, he shall not have to worry about his hair turning grey ... for he shall have NONE!
Year 39
Not again!
It snuck up on me unexpectedly! I didn't even realize it until it was too late to escape! It seems my third is now a teenager. After going through two children, I know what to expect, but it does not lessen the pain, grief, and worry I feel.
Wait, I see a convoy coming into Minas Tirith. Perhaps I can escape after all!
Even if I can't ... at least Arwen isn't with child again. I do not think I could handle another one now. Oh, well ... I can only wonder what life has in store for me now!
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Well, that's all folks! If you made it to the end - thanks so much for reading! Reviews are much welcome, I'd love to hear what you guys think! :-)
Also - I do realize this is entirely AU. The years are completely out of line (it's just how I ended up writing it) and the ages of the characters are odd, to say in the least. So don't say I did not warn you! LOL. The fic is meant to be funny and light-hearted anyway, so I wasn't really paying attention to making it sound realistic.
That's about all then. TONS of thanks to my reviewers! I'm so glad this fic got such a good reaction! :-D I do hope you all will review the last chapter and tell me what you think. I feel as though my humor muse has run off and left me! LOL. Enjoy the chapter! :D
See chapter one for disclaimer.
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Year 26 -
Oh dear Valar, another one!
The horror! The new kid (a girl, no less) looks so cute ... and innocent ... oh how I loathe innocent grins now. My second is thrilled over having a new baby sister. Son laughs at me. Says he is glad it is me and not him having another kid. That is okay though. Will just have to send kids over to their "big brother's house" for a week. Now must escape before Arwen forces me to make more warm milk and mashed bananas for third ...
Year 26.5
How I do love Ada's expressions ...
Finally got Ada back for that tea prank he pulled over on me. Decided to go on extended vacation at the Misty Mountain Spa and Resort with Arwen. Left both screaming children with him. Ada had the most sour expression as I handed him third. At first, I thought it was because she was screaming ... then the smell hit me and I noticed the stain on ada's new light grey robe. snicker He'll never get that out. Ah, have to rush now, time for my boiled rock massage ...
Year 27
Butt plug ... must invest in butt plugs ...
Valar! Thinks something is wrong with third child. The kid likes to excessively ... uhm ... to use the term my second uses, "poopoo". And third does it a LOT. Asked Gandalf about it, old bat said it was only natural, then laughed at me! HE doesn't have to live with it though. Would curse him but he is a wizard and that is must unwise...
Anyway, back to subject. Third "poopoo'd" again. Badly. While she was supposedly sleeping soundly in crib. Then proceeded to play patty cake with said poo. It. Was. Everywhere. On the walls ... on the floor ... in her hair ... now in MY hair ... UGH. Need shower. Now. Must ... get ... clean ...
Year 27.5
snerk Legolas has gone insane!
Poor Legolas. No I mean really, poor Legolas. A few nights ago Arwen and I were forced to go on a trip to take second to a friend's house, as her friend had "just got the cutest little pony, ada I really want to go, can I? Can I? Can I?" Anyway, Legolas accepted the offer of a job, as babysitter. For the youngest. He really was not prepared for that in the least.
When we got back, youngest was sleeping soundly in her crib. (A miracle; I do believe my heart stopped for a moment.) Legolas, however, was a mess. The poor Mirkwood native was huddled in the corner, shuddering badly with odd objects stuck in his hair. (It took Arwen quite a while to remove the sticky gum our children are fond of.) His feet were dyed blue, there were pictures drawn on various parts of his body, and his fingers were glued together. Needless to say, Legolas has taken up residence in the nearby woods to recuperate. I do hope he has managed to unstick his fingers though ...
Year 28
Glad I had at least some influence on second ...
It is a good thing my first taught me the true meaning of how to prevent heart attacks. Second sure as fire tried to give me one nigh on two weeks ago. After an ... interesting ... argument with the fifteen year old, she stormed from the room and supposedly into her quarters. How wrong one could be ...
It started when I was informed by two guards that a tavern wench looking suspiciously like my daughter was running through the palace and into one of the more filthy bars around. Afterwards, I learned several men recognized her for who she was ... my second, of course. They decided to kidnap second and use second for ransom. Arwen was beside herself with worry.
After gathering the guards and getting ready to march on the city myself to take her back, we received a rather large box. A rather large, loud box. Upon opening it, we found my second, bound and trussed with a gag in her mouth and a note on her forehead. The note said, "You are obviously raising the spawn of Morgoth - keep the brat and we shall keep our remaining limbs."
Elladan and Elrohir found amusement in the situation where I could not. Obviously, unknown to me, the two devious brothers of mine had shown my daughter the ... finer points to fighting dirty. After thanking them both, I was sure to throttle them soundly.
Now ... believe that heart attack I avoided has come back for revenge. Must find ada ...
Year 28.5
Was I so wrong? Really?
I fear I owe Legolas a great apology. It seems that my second is not as innocent as she wishes me to think. Let me explain.
Several days ago, I came upon my daughter and Legolas in one of the smaller towers ... with locked lips. When they noticed me, my daughter turned with an expression of what I thought to be fear, terror, and loathing. She explained to me that Legolas had attempted to molest her. Me, being the great father I am, without further ado, shoved the elf from the window. Where he plummeted three stories. Thank the Valar the dwarf broke his fall ...
However, that is not the point. My daughter, I now know, has certain ... feelings ... for the Mirkwood elf. I suppose I should have been suspicious when she asked me the week before if Legolas was single. Alas, I'm but a blind father. Perhaps I can lock daughter into one of the towers with guards around it so that she cannot lust after any man until she is of proper age to wed.
Yes, and Mordor will freeze over while Orcs start wearing pink, fluffy dresses.
I think I need another vacation ...
Year 29
The situation is funnier than it seems ...
Second had still not gotten over her Legolas infatuation. In fact, it seemed to have grown stronger. Much to Legolas' horror.
The night before last, Legolas decided he would rather be closer to the entrance (the reason escapes me), so he switched rooms with my ada. Imagine my second's surprise when she flung herself upon ada's bed squealing with delight. The look of utter disgust upon her face when she realized she was trying to kiss her grandfather will forever linger in my mind ... as well as Legolas'. The dratted elf won't stop laughing.
Ada forced Arwen to give second a good talking to while he fled back to Rivendell. Second is now so angry at Legolas she refuses to even look at him. He is very happy about this.
Perhaps I should not have laughed also, as second keeps giving me withering glares. Have I mentioned she looks too much like my ada in that department than I am comfortable with?
Year 29.5
When I least expected it!
Had thought Legolas to be over the whole window thing. Obviously not. He must somehow be related to Melkor, for his form of revenge is the most evil I have seen in quite a while.
Imagine this: I am innocently sitting at my desk (okay so I was dozing ... a king's paperwork is never done) when the door burst open, emitting a busty tavern wench intent on pinning me to my mattress. (Or any surface she could find, the desk seemed to suit her quite well.) In my sleep fogged, shocked mind, I of course froze completely as her lips descended upon mine and her hands groped in places that I would they rather not have.
Then, from the hall, I heard Legolas' laughter, as well as Arwen's voice. This was enough to cause panic, but what was worst was it seems they were headed right for my room. And when they walked through the door, as I attempted to remove the bulk of the woman from atop me, I automatically knew this to be a scheme of Legolas'. The evil glint in his eye by far passes any look from an enemy I have ever fought.
Suppose now I shall be sleeping on the royal couch while kissing the royal behind of the royal queen while I think of royal plans to get back at the evil elf Legolas ...
Year 30
Another moment ruined ...
Don't know what went wrong, really. It was the perfect moment. Second was off with a friend, and third was asleep. Arwen and I decided to have a private moment to ourselves (and try out the new bath oils sent from foreign lands), to relax a bit. Didn't work.
After climbing into the large tub (being a king has it's perks), we heard ... giggling. Looking to the door, we noticed two hands ... under the door ... waving at us. And from the hall, we heard this:
"What ada doing?"
It was then I realized my second was home earlier than planned. "He's doing IT, of course, what do you think they're doing in there?!"
"Doin' WHAT?"
I then promptly fled from the tub and pulled on a robe, hastening to shut the mouth of my second before she made third more curious than she already was, and to hopefully stop any rumors from spreading.
Two Days Later -
Legolas strikes again. This time at the dinner table. After watching him smirk for ten minutes or so, finally asked what he was laughing at. He asked, "So did you and Arwen have fun doing IT?" To which my third began snickering loudly, even if she did not know the meaning behind the joke.
Legolas must pay.
Year 30.5
Fate has a wicked sense of humor ...
Hahaha! Daughter-in-law is pregnant again. Son very worried. Keeps biting his nails. Had to have guards drag him from the cellar and take him home three times already. He finally stopped when Faramir threatened to spear him with a fork.
Arwen has predicted second grandchild shall be a boy. Good. Females are so much more complicated and I know I shall have to baby-sit the kid in the future.
Wow, my last remaining dark hair has just turned grey. How nice.
Year 31
Gah!
Received many large, colorful birds from the new lands we are making alliances with. Foreign leaders said the birds will bring luck to our future meetings together. Well ... they would have anyway.
Youngest saw the birds. Obsessed over the birds. Should have locked the birds up securely. Awoke this morning by the sound of wings flapping by my window and a shrill little voice going, "Fly birdies fly!"
Would not have been that bad had the archery group decided not to practice today. Suppose we shall be having bird for dinner tonight.
Year 31.5
A joyous day indeed
Grandchild born. It is a boy. Arwen scoffed at me when I was surprised. Told her she did not exactly predict our children when they were conceived. Gotta find ice for black eye.
Son told me perhaps his second will not be as devious as he was. Laughed in son's face. He grinned and informed me he and daughter-in-law were thinking of vacation. Wonder if Legolas would baby-sit grandchildren ...
Year 32
I knew it ...
I really should not have let third eat so much candy. Really. Especially before the banquet where Gondor is entertaining guests from another land.
Their king decided to greet third in a fierce hug. (Traditional there, I'm told.) Third promptly turned green halfway through the hug and expelled the contents of her stomach onto his back. Violently.
Ada berated me for letting her have candy. Other king glared at me as if I plotted this. Legolas laughed. Twins snickered.
Must maim someone ...
Year 32.5
What's the use
Fires of Mordor! That child will be the death of me!
Third accidentally spilt dye on my new robes. Not that I minded much, the things were stiff and way too formal for my tastes. Told her it was fine, I was not mad. However, she took it upon herself to clean my robes. In the fountain. With lots of soap.
Now not only is the fountain clogged (with my new robes), but there is a mass of bubbles threatening to take over the top level of Minas Tirith. Found Legolas in a corner happily washing his hair. Guards are having bubble fights.
Realized have gone soft. Guards will be put through new training exercises. In the meantime has put pink dye in Legolas' shampoo. Hehehe.
Year 33
sigh
Another alliance almost lost. During dinner, one of the foreign leaders belched. Loudly. Is sure the man meant it as a compliment, but third child unfortunately took it the wrong way. In completely the wrong way. She began screaming loudly, "Ada he belched! He belched loudly! Put him in the corner! Put him in the corner and punish him! That was gross!"
Sadly, she was right. It is my custom to punish children by putting them in the corner for ten minutes. Foreign leader did not like being dragged to the corner by guards, nor held there at sword point. He cursed me loudly in whatever language he speaks (and I saw the twins taking notes of these curses - for future use, I'm sure). Third had extremely smug grin on her face as she taunted him.
I feel another war coming on.
Year 33.5
The road to Mordor is paved with good intentions
Arwen's conception day is tomorrow. Have no gift for her. Correction: NOW I have no gift for her. Did buy a beautifully dwarven crafted, stand up mirror. However, second and third saw it. Both demanded to be the ones to set it up in bedroom for Arwen as surprise.
It is not good to play tug-of-war with a mirror. Nor can a mirror survive a stumbled step and plunge down five stories. Second and third watched with anxious faces as the mirror shattered into many, many pieces.
Perhaps Arwen will like the nice new horse saddle I managed to find in the stables ...
Year 34
Another gone! Kind of ...
Second just had twenty-first birthday. Was thrilled for her, as now she is moving in with her friends. Unfortunately she decided to have one last sleepover here. With all of her friends. And several males.
Guards went into early retirement. Is constantly finding panties in random broom closets. All manner of animals have fled the stables. Ale is completely gone. Have had several un-preventable heart attacks. Daughter has suspicious looking hickey. And there is a dress on the dinning room chandelier that looks as if it has been glued there.
Dear Valar. I need sedatives.
Year 34.5
Memory is leaving with my age ...
How could I have forgotten Arwen's conception day? I had it marked on the calendar. It was written on my hand. I asked Legolas to remind me! (Okay so that last one wasn't exactly reliable ...)
Found Arwen in the garden. Decided to surprise her with a rose, so I plucked one from the flowers there. Presented it to her. Did not get the expected reaction, as she turned a surprising shade of red, then proceeded to try and bash me with a nearby shovel and drown me in the fountain.
Later after returning from unconsciousness learned Arwen had just planted the roses. Ow.
Year 35
Writing from the barn ...
Son dropped grandchildren off to stay with me for the day. The first eat all the food, drank all the wine, and took off with a friend. Second grandchild wanted to see horses. Set the horses loose. Hit me with a bat. Tied me up in the barn.
Perhaps I can wiggle just enough to get loose ...
...
Okay maybe not. Hopefully son will return soon and round up his Spawn of Morgoth before Minas Tirith ends up in ruins.
Year 35.5
At least I wasn't alone ...
At first, wondered why I found Legolas quickly packing and fleeing from Minas Tirith. The short answer surprised me - "No more children, no more children!" But I chalked it up to the strangeness of the Mirkwood elf.
Then son arrived. With both grandchildren and Faramir (who looked horrified) in tow. Dropped all three off with me and took off with Arwen.
Found myself with Faramir, having to baby-sit both grandchildren, as well as look after third. We will not speak of the evils that occurred but I do know that Faramir shall not be riding into battle anytime soon. Neither will I, for that matter.
Year 36
The Hobbits have fled!
Poor hobbits. Did not know my third was such a bully. Found two hobbit feet protruding from a trashcan, pulled Frodo from the can. Asked him what happened. Told me that third demanded mushrooms and pushed him in when he did not have any. Pippin was found by the guards, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. Merry no longer has any body hair.
Now I only hope we can find Sam in time ...
Next Day -
I doubt Sam will be gardening for the next month or so ...
Year 36.5
Must not show face in public, ever again ...
I only wanted a small birthday party. Was that too much to ask? Obviously so.
It seems that all children and grandchildren conspired against me. With the help of Arwen. Was unceremoniously captured, stripped, and flowers were glued to my body. I was then tied to a horse and paraded through Minas Tirith, amongst the cheering citizens who obviously found this highly amusing.
I was then doused with water to cleanse the flowers off and forced to flee back to the palace in my birthday suit ... oh the irony.
I'm sure my ... loyal ... subjects will remember this for many, many years.
Have marked out children from will. Everything I own will be left to my horse, Fluffy. See if they are laughing then.
Year 37
Ow ... ow ... ow
I knew I shouldn't have let third take up sewing. I just knew it.
I was ... persuaded (or more along the lines of, "Estel if you do not do this for our daughter then I am sure there are certain things I will most certainly NOT be doing for you!") to be the test dummy for a new dress of hers. After long hours of having to stand in one position, while being poked in very sensitive areas with a sharp needle, third claimed she was finished. I then asked if I could take the dress off. That's when she realized ... she had completely sewn me up in the dress.
It was in that moment that the twins walked in. I'm sure now they will never be able to look at the color pink the same way again.
Year 37.5
Elessar the candle ...
Second grandchild came over for a visit today. Decided to fly a kite, one given to him by ada. Unfortunately, said kite got stuck on a very tall tower. Guess who got the lovely job of fetching it down? That's right ... me.
As I got to the top, one of the worst things that could happen, did happen. A storm came up. Have I mentioned that storms in Minas Tirith are often times very bad? If not, I will say it now - they are. And from someone who knows - lightning hurts. A lot.
As I was struck, and apparently as I heard later from Legolas, I had, "Lit up Minas Tirith like you were the Beacon of Gondor itself!". Those below all had the same reaction:
"Oohh, pretty fireworks!"
Shall think up revenge while I am in the healing rooms.
Year 38
Never going on a roof again ... ever ... no matter what ...
The wine tasted odd. I knew that from the first sip. But it was perfect, in all it's forms. So I drank it, ignoring the note from the foreign land it came from. Two bottles later, I finally forced blurry eyes to focus on the scribbled line on the paper.
"Be careful - this is ten times as strong as what your people are used to."
Oh yes. I know this NOW, as I am back in the healing rooms. Again.
After my mind was seized by the wine (not long after reading the note), I - in my drunken stupor - decided to climb to the roof of a nearby house. I think I wanted to get a better look at Arwen in the royal bathtub, I'm not quite sure now. But the end result is the same. A loose tile upon the roof gave way, sending me careening from it, and doing a very bad impression of a bird. (No matter how hard you try, flapping your arms will NOT slow your fall. It only makes it all the more comical.)
I suppose that the twins may have found it funny, had I not used them as a landing pad. They are in the beds opposite me, giving me evil glares.
My only hope now is to heal before them and escape from their plans of revenge. Somehow ... I doubt that will happen.
Year 38.5
Depression ... it is one of those things ...
Legolas found me looking into my mirror today, with apparently an odd expression on my face. The elf asked what was wrong, so I told him. I expected sympathy. A ear to listen to my problems and soothe them away. Even pity! But no, I got the prissy "Oh-I-Am-So-Better-Than-You-Because-I-Can-Walk-On-Snow-And-You-Can't" attitude.
My problem was thus: I feel as if I am getting old. (And I truly am, my hair is completely white now, although that certainly isn't surprising!) Legolas stared at me for a few moments before bursting out in laughter. His reaction went as follows - "Haha! Yes, so sad that I cannot grow old and look forward to wrinkles, greying hair, and the decrease of one's bodily functions. How glad I am that I am not a puny mortal!" He then slapped me on the back and strutted from the room.
Although he did succeed in taking my mind off of my age ... as now I am bent on revenge. The elf shall get it and when I am done, he shall not have to worry about his hair turning grey ... for he shall have NONE!
Year 39
Not again!
It snuck up on me unexpectedly! I didn't even realize it until it was too late to escape! It seems my third is now a teenager. After going through two children, I know what to expect, but it does not lessen the pain, grief, and worry I feel.
Wait, I see a convoy coming into Minas Tirith. Perhaps I can escape after all!
Even if I can't ... at least Arwen isn't with child again. I do not think I could handle another one now. Oh, well ... I can only wonder what life has in store for me now!
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Well, that's all folks! If you made it to the end - thanks so much for reading! Reviews are much welcome, I'd love to hear what you guys think! :-)