"The Words" – chapter 1 PG-13
Set in my Ryan/Summer AU (for the story of how Ryan and Summer got together, see "Summer Time" and "Summer in Chino," also "Seth Gets Lucky" although the last one is not necessary). Is it time for Ryan and Summer to reach a new level of commitment or is it time to break up?
For new readers: This AU split off in the middle of the Oliver debacle and anything that came after may or may not have been changed. My version of Summer's family life is a little different than the doting father they show in canon.
Note: The candles that Kirsten placed around the pool house is an image from someone else's story, but I can't remember who to credit. Anyway, I liked the idea that Ryan has only partially made the pool house his place and still hesitates to change any decoration that Kirsten chose.
"All right. What's wrong," Ryan snapped in exasperation. "Whatever it is, just tell me 'cause you're driving me crazy."
"What?" Summer bounced the soccer ball on her knee one last time then looked up at him with wide, innocent eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Something's on your mind." He smoothed the rumpled bedcover and tossed the pillows back in place. "You haven't said two words all night and you keep ... fidgeting."
"'Fidgeting'? Is that even still a word, grandpa? I don't 'fidget.'" She kicked the ball lightly in the general direction of where it lived in the corner of the room, and then picked up one of the scented candles Kirsten had long ago left scattered around the room. Candles that Ryan had neither lit nor removed from where she placed them. Summer rolled the smooth wax pillar between her hands and raised it to her nose to catch its scent.
"Fussing then," he replied.
Summer simply shrugged, put the candle back in place and proceeded to flick on the TV and begin channel surfing.
Ryan sighed. It wasn't often that Summer got into a bad mood. Overall she was pretty good-natured if self-involved and stubborn. But it was clear that something was bothering her today. Had been all day. Come to think of it, she had been acting restless and unsettled all week.
He came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her, gently disengaging the remote from her hand and pressing the mute button.
"You want to tell me what's wrong?" he asked quietly, his breath blowing the tendrils of hair by her ear. He continued to hold her, and he almost thought he could feel the tension in the muscles of her back pressed against his chest, but she still gave no answer. "Please," he added.
"I think...." she finally said and then fell silent again.
Ryan waited patiently.
She drew a long, shuddering breath and pulled away from his enfolding arms, walking toward the TV and turning it off with a tap of the button on the front. "I think," she repeated slowly, staring at the blank screen, "that we should ... spend some time ... apart."
Ryan felt like he'd been kicked in the gut. "What?"
"I want to be, um, single for a while," she continued haltingly. "Not, like, to date other people or anything, but just to be ... alone I guess."
"Alone," he repeated dully.
She nodded, her fingers drumming nervously on top of the television. "I think it might be ... might be good for us."
"Why?" His jaw tightened as he tried to keep his temper in check and his voice calm and reasonable.
She shrugged and answered in a small voice. "I don't know."
"Are you mad about something?" he couldn't help asking. "Something I said or did ... or forgot to do? If you are, we can talk about it. Maybe fix it...."
"No!" she exclaimed. "It's nothing like that. It just seems ... like the right thing to do. For now anyway. I need to spend some time by myself."
Ryan nodded once, even though her back was turned and she couldn't see him. His eyes closed then opened again, but nothing had changed. "So ... you're breaking up with me," he stated, still in the same calm, flat tone.
"Not 'breaking up' just taking a break," Summer explained, wiping her hand across the TV screen and then examining it for dust. "A break," she repeated more firmly, as if repetition gave more credence to the idea. "For a little while."
"That's what you want?" Ryan's voice was cool. Reserved.
"Y-yes, I think so," Summer stuttered a little over the words. She swept a quick glance at him. Her eyes touched his and moved away again, like a bird briefly landing then taking off.
"Okay," he said.
"Okay?" she sounded startled at the easiness of his reply and her eyes flew back to his again, but his gaze was as black and blank as the TV screen.
He shrugged. "What else can I say?" he asked. "If it's what you want, there's not much I can do about it is there?"
"No. I guess not." Summer's mouth tightened into a thin line and she blinked quickly a couple of times. She cleared her throat and swallowed. "Well ... all right then." She started for the door, sweeping quickly past Ryan and retrieving her purse from the chair. "I guess we should start now ... with the time alone."
She hesitated with her hand on the doorknob, turning around to look at Ryan's ramrod straight back. He didn't answer or move from his frozen position in the center of the room. Summer sighed silently and let herself out the door.
Summer leaned against the pool house door, trying to calm her pounding heart and to slow her breathing to something not resembling a sprinter at the end of a race. She couldn't believe she had done it. She had regretted the words the moment they came tumbling from her mouth but she had regretted Ryan's lack of reaction more.
But it didn't surprise her. Emotional distance was his forte after all. It shouldn't have hurt so much to have him shut down like that. Funny, but even though she was the one to do the breaking off, she felt as if it was he who had tossed her out on her ass.
She started to walk away from the pool house, hoping that any second the door would open and Ryan would come after her. That's what would happen on The Valley. Then there would be a dramatic make up scene in which the lovers would reveal their hidden fears and self doubts, ending with a beautiful, passionate kiss as the camera pulled back and moved up to finish the show on an overhead view of the city with the couple just a dot in the panorama.
But Ryan didn't follow her.
Summer walked to her jeep and tears began to well in her eyes. She blinked furiously and sniffed hard, damned if she was going to allow herself to cry. She had made this choice and now she was going to have to live with it.
It was for the best after all, just like she'd told Ryan. That part hadn't been a lie. She did need to be alone, to be less dependent on Ryan's presence, because if she didn't stop this relationship now somebody was going to get hurt and most likely that somebody was going to be her.
It had started last week. No. It had actually started last summer, the first time she had felt like saying The Words and had stopped herself just in time. Saying "I love you" was like inviting heartbreak to come in, sit down for a cup of tea and put its feet up on your favorite coffee table. Ryan and Summer had tacitly agreed from the start that their relationship would be light and easy, not bogged down in commitment and neediness. Summer was determined to keep it that way.
Even though Ryan had mumbled a "Love you" to her in the middle of that crisis with his mom, Summer hadn't taken it literally. Not really, because they weren't that type of couple. They were more like good friends, very good friends, with benefits. And to prove how sensible the arrangement was they had sailed through five months together without a hitch.
But lately.
Lately.
Summer didn't like the way she was feeling.
Since they'd first become involved, being with Ryan had both excited her and strangely soothed her. The thought of him was thrilling and comforting at the same time. While there was an emotional easiness between them, there was also a physical dynamic that was like a raging fire.
But recently Summer felt achy and yearning when Ryan wasn't around and pathetically eager every time he was near. She felt like she had when she first wanted and couldn't have him; anxious, hungry and unfulfilled. Even when he was in her arms or inside her body, she wanted ... something. She wanted more. And that was a scary place to be. She knew where these feelings led. They led to her proclaiming her love like some heartsick, melodramatic schoolgirl and Ryan extricating himself from the relationship as soon as humanly possible.
His reaction to her tonight was proof of that. He didn't care. He always kept some part of himself aloof. She had known that going in and it hadn't bothered her then – back when this was just about enjoying each other and nothing more.
Summer had tried valiantly to keep it shallow but her stupid heart had fallen into the deep end.
So this new thing, 'being alone' was the only sensible, sane route for her to take. She broke with Ryan before he had a chance to break with her. She kept herself safe.
But if it had been such a great idea, why did she feel like shit?
Ryan stayed where Summer had left him for a good five minutes. He stood in the center of the quiet room and listened for her footsteps outside walking away or for her to change her mind, open the door again, come in and tell him it was all a mistake, a silly joke or a bad mood.
But after a minute she did walk away and Ryan continued to stand, frozen in place, waiting for his brain to tell him what to do next.
He should have known better than to begin to trust and to feel again. When would he ever learn his lesson? Sex was sex and love was beyond his reach so he might as well stop setting himself up for these disappointments. He should have known he couldn't keep her for long. What did he really have to offer her after all?
Summer was right, they did need some time apart, because the way his chest hurt right now told him he had become way too involved with the girl, too dependent upon her for his happiness. Being alone would be a good antidote, a reminder of how life really was. He should actually be grateful to her for having the common sense that he obviously lacked.
He suddenly realized that the TV remote was still clutched in his hand. As a matter of fact his knuckles were white and he had a death grip on the device. He pointed it at the television and pressed the 'on' button, followed by 'mute' then shuffled over to his bed and threw himself down. He stared at the silent, flickering images on the screen blindly for hours until his aching eyes finally drifted closed and he slept.
"What the hell happened to you? Are you sick?" Seth asked, speaking through a mouthful of bagel, as he looked up and caught sight of Ryan the next morning. "Have you been...?" He made a tipping the bottle gesture with his hand. "Cause you look like you're either really hung-over or got hit by a virus."
"I'm fine," Ryan muttered as he crossed the kitchen to the coffeemaker and pulled a mug from the cupboard.
Seth continued to look at him expectantly.
"I didn't sleep very well," Ryan continued, catching Seth's questioning look.
Seth lowered his brows and his face shifted into skeptical mode. He really was mastering the art of silent communication.
"That's all." Ryan assured him with a frown. He sat down at the table, picking up a random section of newspaper and hiding behind it so he wouldn't have to look at any more of Seth's grimaces.
"You read the Style section now, Ryan?" Seth asked blandly. "Very interesting. Summer's really got you jumping through her hoops doesn't she, bro?"
Ryan put down the paper, got up and poured his almost full cup of coffee in the sink. "I'm riding my bike today. I'll see you later," he said as he stalked from the kitchen.
"Oo-kay. What was THAT all about?" Seth wondered aloud just as Kirsten wandered into the room.
"What was what?" she asked blearily, reaching for the carafe of coffee and an empty mug.
"Something's up with Ryan."
"Should I be worried?" she asked, sipping the black beverage and not looking too interested yet. She was used to Seth being overdramatic about little things.
"Don't know yet. I'll have to ferret it out of him then I'll get back to you," Seth informed her. He rose, stuffing the last of his bagel into his mouth, and shouldered his backpack. "I think it has something to do with Summer since she evidently isn't giving us a ride today." He added, "So, I'm going to need you to drive me."
"Okay," she sighed, "Give me half an hour and I'll be ready to go."
"Mother, school starts in twenty minutes," Seth reminded gently.
Kirsten's eyes flew open and she looked at the kitchen clock. "Oh, crap!" She set her cup down on the counter and practically ran from the kitchen.
Seth called after her, "If you and the pater would help me and Ryan buy a vehicle, we wouldn't have to go through this, you know."
He took his backpack off his shoulder and unzipped it, making sure the history paper he'd written the night before was inside. He smoothed the somewhat crumpled paper and put it the folder where it belonged, and he thought about Ryan. Uncommunicative, silent, withdrawn, pissed off, back- to-square-one Ryan.
Seth sighed. There was definitely trouble in paradise. He hadn't seen his friend so upset since last spring. There was a time not too long ago when that evil imp inside of Seth would've been glad to see Ryan and Summer's relationship implode, but no more. For the first time, Seth realized that he really had moved on, because all he felt now was sympathy for Ryan's pain.
Well, if he couldn't get Ryan to spill, he was sure he could work his skills on Summer. There was nothing that girl loved more than talking about herself and her problems. Some people were so self-centered like that. He would catch her before class began this morning and find out the 411. He glanced at the stairs. That is if his mom could manage to get him to school on time.
To be continued....
Thanks to those who caught my embarrassing faux pas when I posted this the first time. I thought I had removed all the pieces in progress and notes to self. Thanks for letting me know so I could pull the story and re-post it. That's what I get for not checking the preview closely enough.