"The Words" – Chapter 5
Monday evening Summer got a phone call from Marissa. On hearing her friend's voice she immediately felt guilty for putting off contacting her all of these weeks. For the first month and a half, clinic rules had prohibited Marissa from receiving outside phone calls, but even after Jimmy had given Summer the okay, she still hadn't been able to bring herself to call. Her excuses were endless; she didn't know what to say, Marissa probably didn't want to hear that life in Newport was going on just fine without her, she didn't have time to call today but she would be sure to get to it – tomorrow. The truth was that Summer was still racked with guilt for Marissa becoming a full-fledged raging alcoholic.
Sure, she always knew her friend drank a lot, but up until fairly recently Summer drank a lot too. It didn't seem like a big deal. It wasn't until after Summer and Ryan hooked up and Marissa drew away from them and began hanging out with jocks from Pacific that the drinking got really bad. And with no close friends to watch over her and Jimmy all starry eyed about his new relationship with Hailey, it was almost too late by the time her addiction brought her to another overdose of vodka and painkillers.
This time Julie had her way and Marissa was whisked off to Fairhaven to recover.
"Hi, Summer," Marissa's voice sounded a little hoarse and different somehow. From the roughness Summer guessed that she was smoking again.
"Marissa!" she exclaimed. "How are you? I'm sorry I haven't called. I've been like incredibly busy at school this year and, uh, I...." She was already fresh out of excuses, unable to think of a single credible reason for not checking in with her best friend.
"It's okay." Marissa laughed. "I didn't call you either," she pointed out. "Besides, let's face it, things were weird between us long before I came here."
Summer didn't know how to respond to that. "I'm so sorry about...."
"Don't be. We already worked through our drama over Ryan ... several times. Let's not go there again. I'm here because of me, not because of anything you did." She laughed again, short and hard with a bitter edge. "You wouldn't believe how many sessions it took to be able to say that and mean it."
Summer was taken aback by this outspoken, self-deprecating Marissa. This was not the girl she had been friends with all her life, but she thought she kind of liked the new Marissa.
"Well, it's not the same around here without you," Summer offered. "I really miss you, and," she added teasingly, "Harbour is at a loss without a decent social chair. You wouldn't believe some of the lame activities they've planned now that Becca Crowder is in charge."
They small talked and gossiped about mutual friends and people in the community for several minutes and then there was the inevitable awkward lull in the conversation.
"Look, Summer, I actually called you for a reason," Marissa finally admitted bluntly. "Seth called and told me about you and Ryan breaking up and that you needed to talk about it but wouldn't with him."
Again Summer was shocked. The old Marissa would never speak so plainly. "I...uh..." she stammered.
"So what happened?" she asked.
"We're just taking some time apart," Summer delivered her stock answer.
"And why is that?" Marissa pried.
"Well, I thought.... It seemed like we were getting 'too' close. Like it wasn't healthy and I was, um, losing my own identity. So I asked for some 'me' time."
"Nuh-uh. Not buying it," the New Marissa quickly replied. "Ryan isn't controlling. If anything I'd imagine it was you who had him steamrolled into doing whatever you wanted. What's really going on, Summer?"
Summer hated being grilled but seemed powerless not to answer Marissa's questions. "I don't know. I just feel.... He makes me care too...." she trailed off. "I don't like it. How much I need to be with him."
"So you finally admit you're in love," Marissa stated softly.
"No I'm not," Summer snapped.
"Yes, you are," she calmly replied. "Have you told him this?"
There was a long pause. "No."
"Are you waiting for him to say it first? Because that will never happen," Marissa told her. "But it doesn't mean he doesn't feel it, you know. He's just even more scared of commitment than you are."
Summer was suddenly struck by how surrealistic it was to have her best friend counseling her about the boy she had basically stolen from her.
Marissa sighed. "Okay, Summer, I want you to listen because I can only stand to say this once. You've always understood Ryan better than I ever did. You knew how to reach him and what he needed more than I did so don't be dumb about him now! Sure he might never say it, but does he ACT like he loves you?"
A rolodex of memories began flipping past in Summer's mind, faster and faster: Ryan holding doors for her or patiently toting her purchases when she dragged him on shopping expeditions, massaging her blistered feet after she wore her new shoes too long, laughing as she teased him about his anal retentive neatness, listening intently when she poured out her feelings about her mom, talking to her on the phone at night when she couldn't sleep, reassuring her when she expressed her feelings of low self worth, whispering to her that she was beautiful as they slow danced together, carrying her to bed with a lascivious smile on his face, tickling her until she was breathless from shrieking and looking at her – oh, the way he looked at her – when they made love.
"Yes," she finally whispered, "he does."
"Then you know what you need to do," Marissa finished. "Now can we please talk about something – anything else?
"Well," Summer said, abruptly shaking off her reflective mood. "There's a new café where Java Joe's used to be, Mike Kennedy and Tanya Slider finally broke up, and you'd better come home soon because I can't stand hanging out with Amber and Whitney much longer. Amber's a dizzy bitch and Whitney's just completely self-centered. I miss you!"
"I miss you too," Marissa replied with a smile in her voice.
Tuesday after school Seth cornered Ryan in the pool house and Ryan could tell from the look on his face that they were finally going to have The Talk, whether he wanted to or not.
"So, it's been over a week and we still haven't really discussed what happened between you and Summer. You ready to talk about it now?"
"No. Not really." Ryan studied the screen of his laptop, refusing to look up at Seth.
"Okay." Seth dropped down on the corner of the bed and began fiddling with a Game Boy as he talked. "Do you miss her, dude?"
"I said I don't want to talk about it."
"But you miss her, right?" he pressed doggedly.
Ryan shrugged and continued to study the glowing screen and silence fell – for all of two seconds.
"Let me ask you something that might seem obvious but knowing you.... Have you ever told her how you feel?" Seth asked.
"How I feel? I don't know how I feel?" Ryan evaded.
"You don't know how you feel," Seth reiterated dryly. "Well, all right, Ryan, let's review." He ticked off the items on his fingers. "We've established that you miss her and you think of her, like, all the time. Probably dream about her at night. I'm guessing it feels like someone stole the oxygen from the room every time you see her. You miss talking to her and kissing her, but you want her happiness enough that you've given her 'space' when she asked for it. What do you think that all adds up to?"
Ryan shrugged again and leaned a little closer to the computer, peering at the screen intently as though trying to figure out a difficult equation. He knew Seth couldn't see from where he sat that it was actually a baseball site with a spreadsheet of players and their statistics.
"Okay. Now you're just being difficult on purpose." Seth sighed in annoyance, tossing the Game Boy down on the bed. He turned to Ryan and said with some ferocity, "Look, I didn't go through the pain of losing her to you just so you could screw up now. Go to her and fix things, man. You of all people know that underneath her 'in your face' attitude Summer's kind of fragile. Did you think she was going to say 'I love you' first?"
"I don't know that she does." Ryan finally snapped the laptop shut and met his friend's angry eyes with a steely look of his own. "She's the one who broke up with me, remember?"
"To-may-to, To-mah-to," Seth scoffed. "It doesn't matter! You've got to give it a shot, unless you want to keep walking around like a miserable, brooding robot. Talk to her."
Ryan didn't answer but folded his arms defensively and let his gaze slip away again.
Seth narrowed his eyes and adopted a deadly serious tone. "So, after everything we've been through you're willing to give Summer up just because you're too scared to take a chance? I thought you were braver than that."
Ryan still didn't answer but he had that pensive look that told Seth it was time to let it rest. Nothing could budge Ryan when he got really stubborn, but if Seth let him stew for a while he usually got results.
"Think about it, man," he said, shrugging. He stood up. "I gotta hit the books now but if you're up for it I can kick your ass in Mortal Kombat after dinner."
"Sure."
Seth was almost out the door when Ryan called, "Seth!" He turned and Ryan gave him a level gaze. "I heard what you said and ... I'll think about it."
"Okay." Seth flashed him a quick grin and left the pool house.
But despite Ryan's promise to 'think about it' and Summer's admittance to Marissa that she cared, by Thursday it became obvious that neither of the recalcitrant lovers was going to break and make that first contact. Seth decided to swing into phase two of his plan. He approached Ryan in the pool house as he was putting away his clean laundry.
"Ryan, buddy, let's go out to eat tonight. I made reservations at Lien Su for 6:30. How does that sound?" Seth started speaking the moment he entered the room, throwing himself across the bed with a bounce that knocked over a pile of neatly folded undershirts.
"It's a school night. Your mom and dad usually like to do the family dinner thing when they get home." Ryan said without turning around. He was busy arranging his socks by color in the top drawer of his bureau.
"Yes, but tonight they both called to say they'd be working late and that we should order a pizza or something."
"So let's order a pizza." He walked over to the bed and began straightening the shirts.
"But I'm in the mood for Chinese. Humor me."
"Well, we could still order in. We don't have to go out."
"Ah, but the point of eating out is to eat OUT," Seth argued, rolling over from his back to his stomach. "In other words, to practice our chopstick skills in a new and interesting environment."
"I don't do chopsticks," Ryan reminded with a smile, as he carried the stack of shirts to his dresser.
"This will be a good occasion for you to learn ... or you can eat with a fork, either one. But either way I want to go out. Besides, I've already made the reservation." Seth had honed whining to an art form and Ryan knew from his tone that this was going to go on all night if he didn't give in.
"Fine. Whatever." He shrugged and wedged the shirts into an already overflowing drawer.
"Great!" Seth leaped up from the bed. "All right. I've got a little homework to do before we go so I'll see you in," he looked at his watch, "an hour."
"Okay," Ryan sighed and tried one last time. "Are you sure you want to go out? I have an unbelievable amount of homework tonight and it would be a lot easier to...."
"I'm absolutely sure." Seth paused at the door. "Also, you should probably dress up a little."
"I have to change now?" Ryan complained. "How upscale can it be? It's a Chinese restaurant."
"See you in a while," Seth reiterated and left.
An hour later Seth was back and harassing Ryan about leaving on time.
"I'm not running late," Ryan said. "All I have to do is put on my shoes and we can go."
"That's what you're wearing?"
Ryan looked down at the black shirt over a gray T. "Yeah. What's wrong with it?"
"Nothing. But the pants...."
"What?"
"Maybe you should wear something besides jeans."
At Ryan's glare he added, "Or not. Those are just fine."
Seth looked at his watch. "We have to go right now. We're going to be late. Don't want to miss that reservation."
"Calm down. We're not going to be late and even if we are I'm sure they'd hold the table for a little while."
"No. No Ryan. You lose your table at a place like this if you don't get there on time and you don't get it back."
Ryan sighed and laced up his boots. "Ready now," he said as he stood up.
"Good. Great." Seth looked at his watch again. "We should just make it."
At the restaurant they were seated almost immediately and the waitress took their drink orders. Five minutes later she returned with their beverages and Ryan was ready to order but Seth was still studiously examining the menu. He looked up after several seconds to find Ryan watching him.
"Seth, you know you always get Kung Pao Shrimp. Let's order," he said impatiently.
Seth held up a hand. "I might get something different this time." He turned to the waitress. "I'm not quite ready. Could you come back in a couple of minutes?"
She nodded and left.
Seth put down his menu and began to look around the restaurant. "Nice ambience. Very exotic, don't you think?"
Ryan glanced up at the standard décor of the mid priced restaurant. It was the usual dragons and peacocks and a lot of bright red trim. "Sure." He drummed his fingers on the table.
"So, what are you going to order?" Seth asked, picking up his menu again.
"Number five I guess; egg foo young and fried rice."
"Excellent choice," Seth said nodding and examining the picture on the menu. "Mm-hm." He glanced at his watch then began turning menu pages again.
Ryan sighed.
Several minutes slipped past.
"Look, I thought you were starving. Why don't you just pick something so we can order?" Ryan finally said.
"I'm working on it. These things can't be rushed."
Seth's cell phone rang and he flipped it open. "Hello?"
"Look, Seth, I know I said I'd meet you for dinner, but I really don't feel like going out tonight," Summer said.
"Just a minute." Seth held up his index finger to signal one minute at Ryan then gestured to the phone. He got up from the table and walked back toward the rest rooms.
"You have to come!" he said urgently. "I've got reservations."
"Can't you cancel them? I don't even really like Chinese."
"Of course you do. Who doesn't like Chinese?"
"Me," she replied emphatically. "Besides, like I said, I'm just not in the mood to...."
"Well, what do you like to eat?" Seth asked desperately. "We could go somewhere else. Please, Summer, I just really need to talk to you about ... Nikki. I could use your womanly advice. Please!"
"Cohen, I hate it when you beg," Summer sighed, still clearly reluctant. "Okay. Fine."
"And we can eat anywhere you want," Seth added. "But let's make it soon 'cause I'm starving."
"How about Mexican," she said with improved enthusiasm. "I wouldn't mind a fajita."
"Perfect. We'll meet at the Mexican restaurant in," Seth looked at his watch, "twenty, okay?"
"All right."
Seth flipped off the phone and returned to his seat where Ryan eyed him with one raised brow.
"Sorry about that. It was Nikki wanting to switch shifts," Seth said and opened the menu again. "You know what? I feel really stupid about this but there's just nothing on the menu that appeals to me tonight. I know you had your heart set on Chinese, Ryan, but would you mind terribly going to a Mexican restaurant instead?"
"I didn't pick Chinese. You picked Chinese and no, it's rude to walk out like that. Just choose something," Ryan said.
"But you know how it is when you have your mind set on one perfect food and it's the only thing that will satisfy you. Tonight I'm craving tostadas; crunchy, cheesy, spicy tostadas. Doesn't that sound good, huh? Greasy, salty, beefy...."
"Seth, I really don't care," Ryan snapped. "I just want to eat something – anything – and go back home again. If tostadas will make your day, then we'll go eat tostadas."
"Check please." Seth waved a hand in the air to get the waitress's attention.
Fifteen minutes later they arrived at the packed parking lot of Mi Casa – Su Casa.
Ryan took one look at the lot and said, "There's no way. We'll be waiting an hour to get a table here. Let's just drive through Taco Bell or something."
"No. Taco Bell tostadas aren't the same," Seth argued. "Let's at least check and see how long the wait is."
Seth was starting to sound frazzled and desperate and Ryan looked at him curiously. "What the hell is going on, Seth? You're acting neurotic even for you. You've never been so picky about what you ate before."
"Ah! A parking spot," Seth exclaimed, quickly whipping the car into a space at the end of a long line of parked cars.
They got out of the car and Seth walked so quickly toward the building that Ryan was pressed to keep up with him. "What the hell...?" he muttered again under his breath.
The lobby of the restaurant was standing room only. Seth pushed through the throng to get to the hostess station with Ryan close behind him. "Two. Non Smoking," he said.
"It'll be a half hour wait," the hostess replied, taking down his last name.
"That's fine," Seth answered quickly before Ryan could argue. There wasn't room to sit in the waiting area so they went back outside to stand in a huddle with the other people waiting to be seated.
Twenty minutes later Seth was nervously scanning the parking lot when Ryan finally said, "All right. Something's up. What are you looking for?"
Seth's ringing cell phone cut him off. Seth checked caller ID and confirmed that it was Summer again. "Hello?"
"Cohen, where are you?" she exploded. "I've been waiting here for, like, an hour!"
"Waiting where?" he asked looking around the parking lot in confusion. "Are you already in the restaurant?"
"Who are you talking to?" Ryan interrupted suspiciously.
"Well, of course I'm in the restaurant. Where are you?" Summer asked.
"Outside waiting for a table."
"I've got a table. Just come in."
"Oh! Okay. Be right there." Seth clicked off the phone and faced Ryan's enquiring eyes. "It was, uh...." He began to blush. There was no cover he could think of for what Ryan had heard him say on the phone.
"Who where you talking to?" Ryan crossed his arms over his chest and began to frown. "Funny thing about that. A ... friend is actually holding a table for us," he gestured at the building, "inside."
Seth tried a grin but Ryan's frown deepened into a scowl. "What friend?"
"Well, Ryan, let's go find out." Seth began to walk toward the door, but Ryan caught his arm.
"Seth, what have you done? Is Summer in there? Does she know I'm with you?"
Seth smiled harder.
"She doesn't," Ryan surmised. He shook his head disbelievingly. "This is one of your 'plans.' What the hell were you thinking?" His eyes narrowed. "Look. You go ahead and eat. I'll wait in the car." He started to turn away but this time Seth grabbed at his arm.
"Ryan. Come on. You've got to come in and see her. It won't be awkward, I promise. Cause we're all just friends eating together, right?"
"How could it be anything BUT awkward?" Ryan said incredulously. "I'll talk to Summer in my own time ... when I'm ready. This," he gestured at the restaurant, "isn't helping. It's butting in where you have no business."
"By the time you're 'ready' it could be too late," Seth said. He turned his entreating gaze on Ryan. "Please. Come in. Talk."
Ryan sighed and tensed his jaw. His eyes cut away to the side and then back to Seth. He sighed again, heavily. "Okay."
Very reluctantly he followed Seth into the restaurant. Again they pressed through the crowd in the lobby to the hostess station and Seth asked about the Roberts party. The hostess scanned the list of previously seated guests and said there was no one by that name. Seth told her to look for 'Cohen' and she looked at the list again.
"I'm sorry. No one by that name has been seated," she said impatiently.
"Well, do you mind if we just take a quick look around? We're meeting our friend, a dark-haired girl about this high," Seth raised his hand to chest level. "She's been waiting for us."
"No singles have been seated in the past hour," the hostess emphatically said. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have...."
Seth's phone rang again.
"Hellooo? Cohen? How long does it take you to walk inside a restaurant?" Summer's irritation was evident. "This place isn't exactly big."
Seth looked around at the multi-roomed Mi Casa - Su Casa and a thought suddenly struck him. "Um, Summer, which Mexican restaurant did you think we were meeting at?"
Ryan rolled his eyes and shook his head.
"Mi Ranchito, of course," she snapped. "Everybody knows it's the most authentic. Why? What restaurant did you think I meant? Cohen, tell me you're not clear across town at Mi Casa."
"Um," he said again.
"Look. Let's just forget it for tonight," Summer said. "I'm going to grab some take-out and go home now. If you want to talk to me about your girl problems, call me or come over later."
Before he could say another word, she had hung up. Seth closed his phone slowly and turned to Ryan with a sheepish grin. "Sorry. It wasn't supposed to go like this."
"Obviously." Ryan offered a small smile in return. He paused and then added, "I understand that you were only trying to help so ... thanks."
Seth nodded.
"But don't do it again, okay?"
"Never," Seth agreed. "Reuniting people goes a lot smoother on TV than it does in real life."
Later that evening Ryan lay on his back with his hands behind his head, staring up at the pool house ceiling and thinking about what Seth had tried to accomplish. The longer he thought about it the more touched he was by the gesture. Typical Seth, he had rushed into an ill planned scheme without weighing the consequences of manipulating other peoples' lives, but as always his heart was in the right place. And as farcical as the evening had turned out to be, Ryan realized that Seth was right. He had to quit brooding and try to fix this.
He rolled over on his side and picked up the phone. His heart beat in his throat as he heard Summer's phone ring and every cell in his body told him to hang up before she answered, but he only strengthened his grip on the little phone and waited grimly for her to pick up.
When Summer answered, she obviously hadn't checked caller ID. "Seth, what now?"
"It's me," Ryan said.
"Oh. ... Oh!" she answered inanely.
"Can I come over," he asked without preamble. "I want to talk."
"Oh. Of course. I mean, sure," Summer said. Her voice shaded with each word from surprise to alarm, perhaps excitement, and then studied nonchalance.
"Okay." Unable to think of anything else to add, Ryan hung up. So far so good. That part went pretty easy. He got up and retrieved his shoes from where he had kicked them off earlier.
When he got to Summer's house and stood on her front step, waiting for her to answer the doorbell, he began to get nervous again. He hadn't really thought out what he was going to say and he tried to locate the right words quickly before she opened the door.
But it was already too late. Summer stood, framed in the doorway, a voluptuous goddess in tight jeans. He turned toward her and felt his throat seizing up and words scattering away from his brain like fall leaves before a storm. He drew a deep breath and opened his mouth then froze.
After an awkward moment, she saved him by asking, "Do you want to come in?"
He nodded and entered the now familiar hallway, remembering the first time he had come to her house and how little he knew her then. The memory made him realize how very well he knew her now, how much they had shared over the past months, and that gave him the confidence he needed to be able to speak. Still he kept his eyes down, staring somewhere around her kneecaps as he addressed his slow, halting words to her. "This spending time apart thing isn't working for me."
She waited.
"I don't like it."
She remained silent.
He bit his bottom lip and darted a quick glance up to her face. "I miss you."
"Yes," she said softly, encouragingly.
"I-I love you," he mumbled, and then, as if realizing how uncertain it sounded, he repeated the words with conviction. He met her gaze straight on and said it again, "I love you."
"Ahh," Summer let out a little cry. Her eyes were suddenly brimming with tears, which she brushed angrily away. "Oh shit." She lunged at Ryan, practically knocking him off balance as she threw her arms around his neck and buried her face in his shoulder.
"Shit. Shit. Shit," she sobbed, her voice muffled against him. "Me too."
Ryan reveled in the familiar weight of her in his arms, the tickle of her hair against his chin. "Then what was the whole 'time apart' thing about? Why didn't you just tell me instead of breaking up with me?" He rubbed his hand down her back and kissed her hair.
She pulled away to look up into his face with teary eyes, and then slapped his shoulder with the palm of her hand. "Why do you think?" she demanded. "I was scared, jackass. You fall in love with people they'll generally disappoint you."
Ryan nodded his understanding and agreement.
"I don't want to get hurt like that," she finished.
"You won't," he promised. He gathered her in his arms and pulled her close, hugging her so tightly it almost hurt. Summer squeezed him right back.
"I love you too," she whispered into his shoulder, so quietly he barely heard the words.
He buried his face in that glossy black hair, nuzzling her head and breathing in her scent. "Good," he whispered back.
It all seemed so simple and obvious now that Summer was in his arms. Ryan suddenly couldn't seem to remember what all the trouble had been about, what ridiculous notion had kept them from each other for the past two weeks.
He pulled back enough to take her face in his hands and gently tilt it toward him then he leaned in and delicately brushed his lips across hers. Summer's mouth fell slightly open as if his touch had triggered some automatic response mechanism. She lifted her mouth up toward his and kissed him back. Her lips and tongue were soft and welcoming.
After they had kissed for several long moments, Summer stepped away from him and went to close the front door then she came back to Ryan and took his hand. "You want to go up to my room?"
He nodded.
"Aren't you, like, way past curfew?" she asked.
"Yeah."
"Well you damn well better not let the Cohens' ground you because I can't take another week like the last two," she told him sternly as she led him toward the stairs.
"They won't find out. And if they do I'll plead 'extenuating circumstances,'" Ryan explained with a smile. "Kirsten would want me to be here."
Summer looked back over her shoulder with a raised eyebrow. "Kirsten?"
"It seems everybody wants to give advice and tell me how to run my love life."
"And what did 'everybody' tell you?" Summer asked.
"That I should say ... that." He was dismayed to find out that it was still difficult to say the words.
"Well, 'everybody' was right," she said. "I only talked to Marissa, but she told me the same thing." Summer stopped again and turned around to face Ryan.
They were eye to eye since she was a step higher. "I'm not as brave as you. I couldn't say it first." She cleared her throat. "But I'm saying it now. I love you, Ryan." She blinked once then looked away, unable to hold his gaze any longer. Taking his hand again, Summer continued to lead him upstairs to her room.
To be continued....
There will be a short, sweet, fluffy epilogue to follow, which I've already written and will post in a couple more days.