CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS.
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .
HERMIONE'S POV, BUT NARRATED BY ME ~ THE AUTHOR!!!! SORRY FOR THE WAIT, THIS IS PARTICULARLY LONG, JUST FOR THE WAIT!!!
THANKS TO ALL OF MY REVIEWERS, NAMELY:
^^^^Plaidly Lush ~ I understand why you would get annoyed of the Zabini, Zambini thing (I know it's Zabini now) I honestly had no idea, I just . . . wrote. I did say only SLIGHT touch of humour, and I'm glad that at least it is interesting (I'm hoping in a good way :D). I'm sorry if this chapter isn't very funny at all, I tried, but, you know, it's hard! I am so hoping this isn't too stupid and boring . . .
^^^^FriedRice025 ~ Thanks, I try! It's hard now though, because I'm running out of ideas!! NEED IDEAS!!! Thanks so much for the review, I live off them, oh and food and water of course, but nevermind that.
^^^^LythTaeraneth ~ I can understand why you chose Tom, lol, mostly EVERYONE chose Tom, which is why I didn't, although he is fit, wink, wink. I am so glad you liked the first two chapters, and I'm just hoping that you'll enjoy the rest when you have time to read it!! Thanks for reviewing Butt Big too, that's so nice!!! I hope your okay with the computer thing!!
^^^^Fluff ~ Lol, nope, you don't have to wait much longer!! Just read on and on and on and on and further on and you'll get to the part where things start!! I read your fic by the way and reviewed it!! I actually didn't know it was your fic until I look at who it was by and I realised that it was you!!!!! YAY!!! Thank you so much, you are SO nice, all of you are!!! **Sniff** I cannot thank you enough, really I can't!
^^^^Voldie on Varsity Track ~ WAHHHH!! It was less funny!!! Oh well, I asked about it didn't I? My fault! Here's the update and thanks for the suggestions!! Let's just say . . . . I'll consider them! I LOVE SUGGESTIONS!! YAY!!! Please do keep sending them in, they do help a lot, but if you really can't think of anything then that's okay too, cus' I can't force your brain to work! Thanks so much again!! For reviewing and all!!!
^^^^Smileyface1314 ~ Not as funny, even I knew that! But at least it was good, yay!!! (Trying my best to be optimistic here . . .) That song wasn't sucky at all, it was pretty good actually. I wish I had cookies . . . I kind of ran out after I gobbled them all!!! Wah! Oh well . . . I hope the crumbs didn't go between the cracks, its so hard to get them out!!! Lol!!!!!!!!! Thanks so much for reviewing 'Just a thought' too!! You are so nice!!!
^^^^Some12 ~ Well the experiments will start when . . . you carry on reading!!! Teehee!!! Oh and thanks for telling me what a guidance con colour is, where do you get those people? I don't think we've ever had them people in my school, oh well, I'm young and I'm hopeless!!! Lol thanks for reviewing again!!! Hugz!!! Sorry about the wait for this thing by the way!!!!! Teehee . . .
^^^^Loah ~ Aw, thanks! I'm trying my hardest, so you can imagine how happy I am to find that my efforts have not been wasted!!! Lol, thanks so much for the review, it was very nice!!!!
CHAPTER FOUR: Milk and orange juice.
DISCLAIMER: Howdy again peoplez!!!!!!!!! I own nothing that might interest anyone, even those who are interested in mostly everything!!!!!!! I am merely a girl who loves to type and make up ridiculous things, and hopes that people enjoy her weird and ecstatic personality, that is all!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Hermione stirred, she could feel someone poke her softly on the arm, but she thought nothing of it. She turned and groaned as she felt a bright light come to her eyes. She squinted her eyes open slightly, and screamed at the site of Draco peering at her, only inches away from her face. He burst out laughing at her expression.
"It is not funny!!!!! Malfoy, you could have scared the life out of me!!!!!!!"
"If only it were that simple mudblood, then I'd do it more."
Hermione scowled at him. He was already fully dressed and in his robes, his hair gelled back as usual. She wondered how big a pot of gel he actually had and what his hair looked like when he hadn't gelled it back. 'Have to wake up extra early to see him in bed!' She gasped as she looked at her digital bedside clock.
"MALFOY!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME EARLIER!!!!!!!!! YOU STUPID BLONDE FERRET!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Draco sat on his bed and shrugged. He got out a book (entitled 'Evil goblins and where to find them') and sat patiently reading until half an hour later, Hermione bustled out with a towel wrapped around her body, and a towel wrapped around her sopping wet hair. She picked up her clothes and with a wave of her wand she was dressed. Hermione stood and wondered whether Draco had noticed she'd finished, she didn't need to wonder long, for he soon finished his paragraph, bookmarked it, and yawned at Hermione, who scowled back.
"Glad you've finished Granger, took you long enough," He paused and looked her up and down, "The shower didn't do you much good then did it??" He strode over to the door and pulled it open, Hermione followed, scowling at the back of his head before Harry and Ron greeted her. They had been waiting outside talking; Padma and Lisa had been talking to each other as well.
"So how was it Hermione?" Harry whispered, making sure that the two Ravenclaw girls behind him couldn't hear, and that Draco definitely couldn't hear him.
"Awful, he was trying to act all cool about it too, which just got me so annoyed." She replied with a sigh.
"We really sympathise for you, you do know that don't you?? Me and Lisa are doing great, but she's kind of, clingy after a while, a bit like Colin Creevey really."
Hermione grinned at Ron's put off expression, and carried on down the corridor. She shivered at the thought of another Colin. Ugh . . . one was enough thanks.
She looked in front of her and saw Draco walking at a very quick pace. She wondered why none of the Slytherins had stopped to say good morning to Draco. She would have thought that he, being so popular and all would at least have five people saying good morning to him, but as they reached the portrait hole, she realised that there were none.
'Probably cus' we're all late.' Hermione thought, and she cast the thoughts aside and put her attention to a note pinned next to the portrait hole - on the wall. It read:
'Hello all students who are reading this,
It does not matter at all if you are late; we have all the time we need!!! Now, we hope you have had a good night's sleep; this Monday morning will be a very hectic one!!! Over the night, when you were all snoozing, we recruited many more witches and wizards from the witch-doctor Edwina Sally, and many more products from famous brands to test, for example, Bertie Botts!!!!!!!! Please come to the spare classroom near the muggle studies area - the one numbered 13 - we shall be casting our experiments there for the next few weeks, please arrive there everyday at 9:00 at the latest. Thank you for your time!!!!!!!!!!!
Yours truly,
Dr. Emilia Granger and Assistant Serena Barnes.'
Hermione, Harry and Ron led the way; actually, Hermione was the only one that knew where the muggle studies area was, so she led the way. Lisa Turpin (Ron's partner) and Padma Patil (Harry's partner) walked behind them, and Draco dragged behind. Hermione felt a tad bit sorry for Draco. All his friends (or cronies, whichever) were already at the room, and, even if they weren't, they were all probably too scared of him to start a conversation with him anyway.
"So, what was your room like?" Ron asked curiously, trying to hide the fact that his stomach was growling.
"It was WONDERFUL. I mean, that big chandelier, that giant window, those curtains, the beds, everything was just . . . SPECTACULAR."
"Yeah, so was ours, I guess all the rooms are pretty much the same huh?" Harry said, looking behind him to check that the girls were still following.
"It's a shame Ginny can't be here cus' she's in the year below and all. I'm sure she'd love the excitement, and having to miss most of her lessons of course!!!"
Harry and Hermione laughed slightly and nodded. Ginny would have loved to be experimented on, after all, she loved it when Fred and George experimented some pranks on her, and missing all her lessons?? That would be HEAVEN - even if it were exciting lessons at Hogwarts, they were still LESSONS.
"So Hermione, what was it like sleeping in the same room as a Malfoy?" Harry asked.
"It was alright - surprisingly enough. We just ignored each other, although he did scare the life out of me this morning. I mean, he was just THERE, and I guess that's what scared me."
She had added that last bit on because Ron (and Harry, but particularly Ron) was starting to clench his fists up - ready for a fight, and she didn't want her friends to punch anyone just because they HADN'T done anything. That would be stupid. She glanced behind her and saw Draco was scowling at the floor. 'Hermione, you are getting too soft.' She thought - she even felt sorry for Malfoy for god's sake.
"Look you guys, I know we hate Malfoy and everything, but he's kind of dragging behind, so . . ."
Hermione didn't have to say anymore before the boys interrupted her.
"NO WAY."
It was kind of creepy how both of them had said this at exactly the same time, with the same kind of 'don't even try to persuade us' expression on their faces. Strange, creepy . . . yet effective.
"Hermione, have you gone completely mad??? Malfoy - talking to us??? For god's sake, he'll end up with a bloody nose from me and Harry!!!!"
"Yes, but -
"Hermione, Ron's right. We know you feel sorry for him and all, but he's just not that sort of person that would TRY to act friendly, it's best if you don't get too close to him."
And that was the end of their conversation, for they had reached the classroom door labelled in big black bold numbers 13. The six entered and were greeted with laughter, snorts and excited whispers of what this day may contain.
The classroom had obviously been charmed to fit more people into it than it looked like it could, much like Mr Weasley's Ford Anglia was. There were about 10 rows of tables, all half the size of the normal house tables in the Great Hall. The room had red, blue, bronze and green banners that read 'WELCOME! EAT ALL YOU WANT!!' and the stone walls seemed to have some kind of shiny paint on them as they glittered from the sunlight that shined through the small windows at the far end of the room. Hermione wondered for a second why the Slytherins weren't all bunched together on the farthest table from the door, then she then realised why.
Instead of benches like in the Great Hall, there were chairs with somebody's name written on the back in whatever house colour they were in. And it was obvious, that you HAD to sit next to your partner.
"THEY HAVE BACON!!!!!"
Ron shouted before scanning the tables rapidly to try and find his seat so that he could start to eat. He took Lisa's hand and soon dragged her over to their seats by a window. Harry sighed and shook his head as he watched Ron gobble down as much food as he could manage in one go. He and Padma soon found their seats and went to sit down and eat with a wave goodbye to Hermione. Hermione and Draco soon followed - although their seats were right at the back, next to an open window. Hermione gladly ate the food that appeared on her plate the moment she sat down. She noticed Draco was just . . . well . . . sitting there, not eating and not doing ANYTHING.
"Malfoy, why aren't you eating? This food is better than the food in the Great Hall."
Draco turned and raised an eyebrow at Hermione - she was chewing a mouthful of scrambled eggs.
"I've lost my appetite just looking at you mudblood."
Hermione swallowed her food and scowled at Draco, who just stared at his empty plate. 'I was only trying to be nice, sheesh, grumpy fart.' She continued to eat and nearly spat out her orange juice when a sudden noise frightened the life out of her.
"What was that?"
She turned to Draco, who was staring at his stomach, his face slightly red at the embarrassment - Hermione resisted the urge to laugh at his face. Oh the poor boy.
"Look Malfoy,"
Hermione grabbed the orange juice carton nearest to her and poured some into Draco's glass. Draco stared at it, a look of disgust on his face. Hermione sighed - just typical of Draco to think it was disgusting, he thought everything that wasn't purely 'wizard' was disgusting.
"What's wrong Malfoy? You need to drink SOMETHING. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day you know."
"Why has it got those THINGS floating around in it?"
"That's cus' it's PURE orange juice, Malfoy. Those BITS floating in it are parts of the oranges that were used to make this carton of orange juice."
Hermione rolled her eyes as Draco continued to stare at the cup of orange juice like it was poisoned or something. Probably thought she had spiked it or something. But before she could say anything, Draco started to speak.
"Muggles. What crazy idea will they think of next? Maybe some apple juice that has apples in it? Beetle juice that has real beet -
He couldn't say anymore, as Hermione had found what she was looking for in the first place - a BIG piece of toast. She had gotten it and stuffed it into Draco's open mouth; he was now choking on it while Hermione was sipping some of her milk. When he finally swallowed it, the look on his face looked venomous and most of the students that remained in the room had turned to stare at the couple, one sitting calmly sipping milk, and the other choking on an enormous piece of toast.
"GRANGER."
Draco stared at Hermione - staring daggers into her. The whole room waited for her to reply as she swallowed more milk. Draco seethed with anger as she began to pour MORE milk into her cup and begin to sip annoyingly once again.
"GRANGER?????????????????????"
Hermione turned to face the red-faced Draco, well, unusually red-faced Draco. She calmly drank more of her milk. "Calm down now Malfoy. Want some milk?" She held her cup in front of her so that it irritated him even more. Draco clenched his teeth and his hands automatically went up to where Hermione's neck (about where Hermione's neck was but not quite).
"Ahem."
Draco turned to see an elderly man who had no hair and was short and stubby standing holding a clipboard in his scabby hands. He looked part goblin - like the ugly ones in Gringotts. Draco shot him a venomous glare for interrupting his attempt to strangle Hermione - he had gotten so close! A bit more and . . . The old goblin-man cowered back at his glare.
"We, er, just need to know, er, what you ate, for the experiment . . . sir, mister."
Draco glared more. The whole hall had seen him choke on a piece of toast of course, and yet this old man HAD to interrupt with 'what did you eat?' this was an OUTRAGE. If he wasn't busy with this experiment thing, he would have rushed to the owlery by now and complained to his father.
"We know you ATE a piece of toast of course!!" Harry shouted from his seat. Draco glanced a glare at him. 'Real funny Potter - NOT.'
"What about you miss?" The goblin-man turned to Hermione, who had finished her second cup (and the cup was rather big) of milk. 'What was so good about that milk?' Draco thought, it was, after all, just ordinary cow's milk, not anything special, you could get it in any good supermarket.
"Oh, she just drank a whole lot of MILK, I always thought she was a co -
"I ate eggs of course, scrambled."
Hermione interrupted before Draco could finish. She glared at him and got one of his glares in return. She rolled her eyes and turned back to the goblin-man who stood close to her - trying to stay away from the all powerful Draco Malfoy.
"Very well. Please enter through that door please." And with that (and a nod), the goblin-man scurried off to ask somebody else what he or she had eaten.
Draco and Hermione turned to look at what door the goblin-man had been talking about. This door seemed strange, blue auras seem to surround it and it seemed like it had a magical force around it. Hermione wondered where it might lead. After all, it wasn't everyday that you went through a mysterious magical door that she wasn't sure led anywhere in particular.
Draco stood and was about to go through a creepy wooden door when he realised Hermione was still staring at the door, drinking more milk. He grunted angrily, he couldn't control his temper anymore, and to top it all off, everyone was being VERY nosey today.
"FOR GOD'S SAKE GRANGER, YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH MILK ALREADY. IF YOU WANT TO TURN INTO A COW, I'LL GLADLY CHANGE YOU INTO ONE OR WOULD YOU PREFER TO BE A PIG?"
Draco grabbed Hermione's arm making her drop her glass cup filled with milk. It crashed to the ground and shattered into pieces, the milk staining the marble ground.
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Okay people, I was going to stop here, but then I thought, no, that chapter was too short and none funny!!! And the torture STILL hasn't begun!! So guess what? I am giving you another chapter!!! So, here is chapter five!!! ENJOY!!!! ~
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CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS
I remind you - NO SPOILERS HERE.
CHAPTER FIVE: Warm ups and the slime experiment.
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Hermione and Draco entered the room through the creepy wooden door. Inside, the room was split into four different sections, to their right was a bright yellow carpet with the Hufflepuff banner hanging from the ceiling. To their left was a deep blue carpet with the Ravenclaw banner, the farthest left was a scarlet carpet, with the Gryffindor banner, and of course the Slytherin banner was the farthest right, with an emerald carpet.
"Hermione dear!!!!!"
"Oh no . . ."
Hermione groaned as Dr. Granger rushed up to her, carrying her clipboard. Hermione smiled awkwardly, after all, you would too if you thought your aunt was trying to secretly murder you with these experiments.
"Did you sleep well honey?"
"Yeah, the bed was very comfy."
"Good, good, you Mr Malfoy?"
"Fine."
"Okay . . . you two can go next, I can see you're getting bored already! I can promise you it will be better!!!! Now please do come with me."
Dr. Granger led them both towards another door, this time, it was blue and looked like it was made of water. Fishes were swimming happily across it while they walked straight through it. Hermione was shocked once she entered the other side of the water door (dry of course). They were in Hogsmeade for some strange reason. How on earth did they get here? She looked behind her but saw only a brick wall and a dustbin.
They walked out into the sunlight; Dr. Granger led them to a strange café where the whole place was filled with more people in white coats than Hermione had ever seen. Everywhere she looked, Hermione could see partners with two people in white coats sitting at tables and drinking coffee, and some was just coming in through the door, looking flustered and excited.
"Now, Hermione honey, Mr Malfoy, I am supposed to assign you to two assistants, but seeing as my sugarplum of a niece is here, I might as well be one of them and Serena can be the other, oh look, there she is."
And indeed, Hermione could see Serena wobbling with a tray of dirty dishes, still wearing her stilettos, although now her robes had changed to a sickly yellow with a orange stripe down the back. Her hair was still as greasy as ever and still purple.
"Oh Serena dear!!!"
Serena turned and smiled, pulled out her wand and the tray of dirty dishes disappeared. Hermione wondered why she didn't do that in the first place. Serena rushed over, stood and saluted like Dr. Granger was a military officer or something. Dr. Granger explained that they were going to be their new assistants to Serena while Hermione stood and waited. Draco, however was a bit too distracted by the Quidditch store opposite the café.
"Okay now darling, lets go!"
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"So . . . say that again."
"Look Granger, what you do is grab my arm and DON'T LET GO. My job is to try and MAKE you let go no matter what. THEY'RE going to time how long it takes in order to see how fast our brains can work."
"And this isn't the real experiment is it?"
"GRANGER!!!!!!!! Weren't you listening at all???? This is a warm up to warm up our brains, then we have the REAL experiments. YOUR aunt said that the warm ups are for her own research and she only has them cus' she has too many things to test in a certain time, ya get?????? IS THAT BRAIN OF YOURS WORKING OR NOT?????"
Hermione nodded, "Sheesh Malfoy, keep your junky hair on."
"And what exactly do you mean by junky?"
"All that junk you put in it, plus your hair doesn't move, it's like a wig."
"IT IS NOT A WIG. And the junk is gel, I know you wouldn't know though, your hair is as bushy as ever, and not perfect like mine."
"HA, perfect my arse. How do I know it's not a wig? You slept later than me yesterday, so you could have taken it off!!!! Now that I look at it . . ."
"GRANGER, YOU STUPID FILTHY DISGRACEFUL -
"MALFOY, YOU STINKY OLD -
"Old?"
"Well if you're wearing a wig then obviously you MUST be getting old Malfoy. When's your next birthday? I bet you're 156 now aren't you? I KNEW IT!"
"Granger, if I'm 156 then you must be older than Dumbledore and that's saying something. Look at those wrinkles!!!"
"What wrinkles? I don't have any wrinkles!!!!"
"You do if I'm wearing a wig."
"You old git, I think it must be the denial of aging that's making you grumpy."
"Scum."
"Fat."
"Oh not this again!!!! I AM NOT FAT."
"Oh yeah, course you're not fat!!! Coughfatcough."
"Mudblood, you don't want to get me angry . . ."
"What you going to do to me? -
"Okay now darlings," Dr. Granger interrupted with a slight smile on her lips. She had been watching the argument going on and had added some notes about them to their report sheet. They were a very odd couple, the sorting hat had said they were the most compatible, but yet they just argued all the time, she'd have to record their progress, not only in the experiments, but also in their relationship. "Let's begin, over there in the middle of the street, where everyone can see you now."
Hermione and Draco walked out into the middle of the street and Hermione reluctantly held his arm as strongly as she could (in case he used physical tactics).
"And . . . go!!!"
"So, Granger, are you going to let go of my hand easily, or will I have to force you?"
"The whole point of this thing is to try and force me - duh!!!!"
"Don't you duh me!!!"
"Look, all this arguing is only adding to your time!"
Hermione looked into Draco's eyes. She could see herself in them, and she knew that those eyes were mostly what the girls went for, you could get lost in those dreamy eyes . . . it was like hypnotism, but Hermione knew better than to lose her self control to the power of his eyes. Draco smirked the famous smirk and let out a slight laugh.
"You're falling for it!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE FALLING FOR IT!!!!! HA!!!!!!"
"Falling for what?"
"The eye trick," Draco looked into Hermione's eyes again. He was smirking, and Hermione didn't really know why, she wasn't sure she wanted to know, "You see the eye trick works like this . . ."
Hermione could feel his breath on her cheeks. She didn't like being in that position and what exactly did he mean, it works like . . . wait, he was leaning closer and closer . . . that could only mean he was about to kiss her. 'EEEEEK!!!!!!!!' She immediately let go of his arm just as he was going to lean in for the kill.
"Well done Mr Malfoy!!! About 1 minute Serena."
Serena looked at the stopwatch Dr. Granger was holding up to her and scribbled down the time. Dr. Granger turned to Hermione and smiled.
"Your turn now Hermione, you'll have to beat that tactic. And . . . go!"
Hermione felt Draco's fingernails dig into her. His grip was firm, and she had no idea how to wipe that smirk off his face and make him let go of her arm. 'Come on brain . . .' She looked around Hogsmeade for some inspiration. The street was starting to get a little crowded now, old grannies coming out to buy their early shopping, mums and their babies trying to get some breakfast, shopkeepers opening their shops and just casual shoppers looking for things to buy.
Suddenly, inspiration hit her. She turned to Draco and tried to think of sad things to make her cry. "Please let go of me Mister!!!" She said loudly, attracting some attention from a few women window-shopping.
Draco frowned, "What?"
"Please!!!!!!!!!" The tears were flowing now, she was attracting even more attention from a baby and his mother, but Draco's grip was still firm, even if he had loosened it slightly.
"Granger, what are you on about?" He hissed as to not get more attention than they already had.
"Please . . . somebody HELP ME!!!!!!!!!! RAPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Draco's eyes grew wider - how dare she . . . now everyone was watching them. A mother shaking the baby bottle furiously while, an old lady had started to edge up to them with a wand.
"Let go of her!!!" A man shouted out of a window, he had a wand in his hand and was pointing it furiously at him. Draco scowled, and just as the man was about to hit him with a spell, he reluctantly let go of Hermione's arm, deciding that she wasn't worth being cursed of his feet by a stranger.
"Thank you everybody!!!!" Hermione sniffed and wiped her tears away while Draco stood, obviously annoyed. All the people who had been watching returned to what they were doing before, now knowing that she was going to be alright.
"Very good Hermione!!!! Only a few seconds!!!!"
"Yeah!! And might I say, great tactic!!!"
Serena winked and scribbled Hermione's time and tactic. Hermione smiled in satisfaction as Draco glared like there was no tomorrow - that stupid mudblood, he would show her - after all, there were lots of warm ups to come . . .
"Okay now, onto the REAL experiments!!!! We need to go to the Leaky Cauldron to meet up with everybody, let's go before we're late now darling!!!!!"
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"Shut up Malfoy."
"What, I haven't been saying anything!!!!"
"Oh no, you haven't been saying anything apart from stuff like 'Ohhh look at that butt', and 'she HAS got those curves now.' Then trying to look down that poor waitress girl's top!!!! You've been drooling all over my new robes too!!!! The cheek of it."
"Granger, I'm a normal teenage boy!!! If I wasn't drooling all over a hot chick, then you'd assume I was gay, plus you should be proud to have someone of my importance drool on you."
"Yeah, whatever you say Malfoy, wait till I tell everybody you're gay and you only pretend to drool over girls to prove to people that you're not gay."
"I AM NOT GAY."
"I see denial's treating you rather badly eh ferret boy? First the fatness, now the gay . . . really, you have nothing to be ashamed of!!! Fat people are the bestest mates - I have a ton of them!!!! Gay people are so fun to be around too . . ."
"Well Granger I guess you couldn't possibly be lesbian or gay then huh? Seeing as you're just one big pain in the ar -
"Tut, tut Malfoy. Language now, you know the rules."
"Oh SHUT UP."
"If you won't then why do I?"
"Because you are lower than me, less pretty than me -
"Pretty now are we? I never knew you could use such a girlish word!!!! All the more to prove to me you are only in denial."
"If I'm gay YOU are a mega slut who has kissed at least 20 guys."
"How do you know I haven't kissed AT LEAST 20 guys?"
"UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST . . . .SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!"
"YOU SHUT UP FIRST!!!!!!!"
"NO!!!!!!!!"
"WELL NEITHER WILL I!!!!!!!!"
"FINE THEN!"
Hermione and Draco both crossed their arms and pouted - facing their backs towards each other. They were both pouting as the whole of the Three Broomsticks fell silent - they had all been listening in to their argument instead of making a conversation of their own. Dr. Granger resisted the urge to laugh at the pair - her niece could be so childish when she wanted to be, it was unbelievable. Sooner or later, they would end up killing each other if they didn't try to get along.
"Okay now everybody, settle down!!!! You should all be seated at a table with your partners now; each table should have a number written on it!!!! When I call out your number, one of you come up and get a large cup of this new drink here!!!"
Serena indicated to the massive table loaded with large bottle of something green . . . lets just say it didn't look all that nice to drink. Hermione gulped, she didn't fancy drinking all that down . . . but Malfoy was sure to force her, wasn't it obvious?
"42!!!!"
"Granger, our table, you go."
"No, you go!!! Why do I have to go?"
"Because you're a girl, now go."
"What has being a girl got to do with this? If anything, YOU should go to be more gentlemen like."
"I thought it didn't matter what gender you were?"
"Fine, I'll go Malfoy."
"No, you're too weak to go and carry that BIG bottle of slime, I'll get it instead."
"No!!! I'm getting it and that's final!!"
"Shut up, I'M getting it now sit down and let the MAN go and get it!!!"
"What man? I don't see any man!!!! Let me get it!!!!"
"No, you disgrace for a mudblood!!!"
"No, you disgrace for a pureblood!!!"
"Why you -
"Ahem." Dr. Granger interrupted with a slight smile on her lips. For the first time, Hermione realised that Dumbledore was sitting amongst the white coated people, but all in blue, purple, green, red, yellow and an assortment of other colours that I can't be bothered to name.
"Now Hermione honey, could you go and get the bottle please?"
Hermione obeyed and did as her Aunt wished. Soon after, all the bottles had found their homes on a table in front of each pair of students, who were all staring at disgust at the vile thing. Serena stood and began to explain what was to happen.
"Now, this is a new alcoholic drink that the Leaky Cauldron has just invented, but they have added many new ingredients and shall add some food colouring to make it a little more . . . attractive. But, there is no point making it attractive if this drink has side effects!!! So, your jobs are to drink it, but only one person in each pair has to - this decision cannot be made by yourselves as some (Serena turned to Hermione and Draco, as did everyone else) individuals are incapable of doing so without starting a big row like an old couple. Therefore, the person who has had the lowest time in the warm up shall drink the new drink!!! And I'm sure you all know who had what times!!!"
And with that, a loud bang was heard to signal the beginning of the drinking. Turning to Draco, she couldn't help but laugh at him. He was just sitting there - terrified of even holding the cup, let alone drink the whole thing!!! Hermione could see from a glance that Pansy Parkinson had had to drink the vile alcohol, Ron had had to drink it out of his pair, but Harry had gotten off free with Padma gulping the drink down like water.
"Oh come on Malfoy!!! Don't be a wimp!!!!"
"Wimp am I? Would a wimp do this?"
And with his ego injured, Draco made a grab for the bottle, took it and gulped the whole thing down in one go. As he placed the empty bottle back onto the table, Hermione frowned at him.
"Who's the wimp now eh?" Draco's voice was slurred and it sounded like he was drunk already. He had drool dripping down his face and his ears were very red. Sweat was making him smell quite awful too, not to mention his breath.
Inside Draco's head, everything was spinning, it was like he had drunk at least fifty bottles of fire-whisky and he couldn't see properly. He shook his head and could only hear Hermione calling out to him in her bossy, worried type voice.
"Malfoy? Hello? Would you speak to me?"
"Graijdjoabcdbklsahoreoofhjksklab . . . . Ugh."
With those final Gobbledee gook words, Draco collapsed, straight onto Hermione, making her collapse as well. She scrambled up as quickly as she could, holding Draco in her arms so that he wouldn't fall on top of her again. She could see that Pansy was perfectly fine, still annoying the hell out of Blaise, and Padma seemed very happy too. She was just about to look over at some more couples when an elderly woman strode towards her.
"Miss Granger? How did Mr Malfoy do?"
"Er, slurred talking straight after drinking, and he's fainted, as you can see."
"Lovely dear. Thank you and I hope you have a lovely day." And with those final words, the old woman ran off towards the crowd of white-coated people. Hermione looked down towards Draco, who was still lying on her and leaning against her like she was a cushion or something - this irritated her and made her want to slap him and even worse, mess up his hair.
"May I have your attention please?" Dr. Granger spoke loudly into the microphone (A/N: If you think there are none because of this magical field thing and no technology working thing, then bare with me here - pretend that time has passed and new wizards have found a way for it to work!! So I'm not asking you to pretend it wasn't ever there).
"I can now announce the results of the first experiment!!!!!! And for all those who thought we were poisoning you with these new drinks, think of it as a dangerous adventure that may lead to side effects!!!! And it only took about half an hour for all the experiments, warm ups and waiting!!!! So isn't it worth it to miss lessons for half an hour of work??? Anyway, the results we have found to be fairly interesting, the new drink only has side effects for the male specimen, as you can see if you look around - I mean, Mr Malfoy over there is using my poor niece as a leaning post!!!"
Everyone turned to look at Hermione and Draco as she covered her face with her hands. Oh the embarrassment!!!! She could hear people sniggering from afar even with her eyes closed - it didn't help that Draco chose that precise moment to slobber all over her and 'snuggle' into her chest like a pillow.
"Mummy can I have a cookie please?" Draco mumbled and Hermione could hear Harry laughing harder than anyone - and he was supposed to be her friend!!! Why didn't he sympathise with her?
"Oooo what a pretty pumpkin!!" Ron mumbled as he drooled all over Lisa Turpin's and this time, Hermione couldn't resist the slight giggle.
"ANYWAY, attention!!! As I was saying, the side effects are ONLY for the male specimen, the females have no problems whatsoever, and they feel even happier and more energetic than ever before. We are guessing the cause of the side effects is that one of the secret ingredients in this drink, that we have promised not to reveal, only attacks the specific cell that is in the males and not the females. Now, to remind the barmaid and the barmen of this discovery, we have decided to name this drink - that shall be dyed purple and shaken to give it a slight more fizz - Fe'minin paradis!!!" (AN: to all those people who don't know French, that means feminine paradise. I hope I've spelt it right, I've got a French dictionary with me right now ^.~)
"Now, you all have the rest of the day off!!!" Serena exclaimed just as Dr. Granger sat and started to scribble things down on her notepad. "You may do what you please, and of course, talk to your friends, but I am afraid that YOU MUST stick by your partner!!!! Most of you have partners that you don't know very well, so, in order to know them better, it would be best to stay with them, but that doesn't mean you can't converse with other pairs while with your partner. This goes for all experiments, understood? Okay, of course those who have fainted partners must take them back to Hogwarts - the password is Lionheart!!! Have a nice day!!!"
All the students started to rise as they made for the doorway. Hermione, however, couldn't even get up due to the fact that Draco was too heavy for her to carry, and she couldn't just leave him there.
"Get your hands off him mudblood, you're not his type!!!" Pansy Parkinson strolled past, her arms linked with Blaise (who didn't look too happy about it). Hermione felt sorry for the poor boy.
"Oh just get lost Parkinson, Hermione, we'll help you out." Harry and Padma smiled as they shooed Pansy and Blaise away, Harry slung Draco's arm over his shoulder while Hermione slung the other one over her shoulder.
"Aren't you two helping Ron?"
"No, Neville and Susan got him!!" Padma grinned - the thought of Neville trying to help someone seemed as successful as him not messing up in potions.
"Padma, you could help us open the doors!!!" Hermione mumbled as she struggled to shift Draco. Even if Draco wasn't muscular and she had Harry's help, he was still BIG.
"No, Hermione!!! Padma, don't open the doors just lead the way? Malfoy's head can open the doors for us!!!!! It's the least he can do for making us carry him!!!"
So, that decision was made, and of course, they did eventually reach Hermione and Draco's room. When Draco eventually woke at around the time of dinner, he found that he had a horrible headache, and of course our Hermione isn't dumb enough to admit any accusations . . .
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So . . . here it is!!! You know what to do, well you should by now, and just for the record, I know rape is a very serious matter and I shouldn't joke about it, I have nothing against fat people or gay people - I love them, so don't accuse me of anything and don't sue me for using those things!!!
~Ran out of stupid things to sign off with,
~Girl-who-can't-be-bothered-to-type-her-name-even-though-it's-shorter-than- this.
PS. This is seventeen pages long on word, a record for me!!! I hope you all liked it and appreciate me giving you another chapter!!! PLEASE DO REVIEW SEEING AS I AM SO NICE!!! TEEHEE!!!!!!
PPS. Go to bbc.com/bigread/vote and please vote for JK'S book Harry Potter and the Goblet of fire!! It is only 6th right now, and LORD OF THE RINGS (ah!) is FIRST!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, please, I have a thing against Lord of the Rings, please don't let it be first!!!!!!!!
Summary: Hermione's aunt has been called to Hogwarts as she needs lots of children to be her 'guinea pigs' and of course, only Dumbledore is nice enough to let someone experiment with his students . . .
HERMIONE'S POV, BUT NARRATED BY ME ~ THE AUTHOR!!!! SORRY FOR THE WAIT, THIS IS PARTICULARLY LONG, JUST FOR THE WAIT!!!
THANKS TO ALL OF MY REVIEWERS, NAMELY:
^^^^Plaidly Lush ~ I understand why you would get annoyed of the Zabini, Zambini thing (I know it's Zabini now) I honestly had no idea, I just . . . wrote. I did say only SLIGHT touch of humour, and I'm glad that at least it is interesting (I'm hoping in a good way :D). I'm sorry if this chapter isn't very funny at all, I tried, but, you know, it's hard! I am so hoping this isn't too stupid and boring . . .
^^^^FriedRice025 ~ Thanks, I try! It's hard now though, because I'm running out of ideas!! NEED IDEAS!!! Thanks so much for the review, I live off them, oh and food and water of course, but nevermind that.
^^^^LythTaeraneth ~ I can understand why you chose Tom, lol, mostly EVERYONE chose Tom, which is why I didn't, although he is fit, wink, wink. I am so glad you liked the first two chapters, and I'm just hoping that you'll enjoy the rest when you have time to read it!! Thanks for reviewing Butt Big too, that's so nice!!! I hope your okay with the computer thing!!
^^^^Fluff ~ Lol, nope, you don't have to wait much longer!! Just read on and on and on and on and further on and you'll get to the part where things start!! I read your fic by the way and reviewed it!! I actually didn't know it was your fic until I look at who it was by and I realised that it was you!!!!! YAY!!! Thank you so much, you are SO nice, all of you are!!! **Sniff** I cannot thank you enough, really I can't!
^^^^Voldie on Varsity Track ~ WAHHHH!! It was less funny!!! Oh well, I asked about it didn't I? My fault! Here's the update and thanks for the suggestions!! Let's just say . . . . I'll consider them! I LOVE SUGGESTIONS!! YAY!!! Please do keep sending them in, they do help a lot, but if you really can't think of anything then that's okay too, cus' I can't force your brain to work! Thanks so much again!! For reviewing and all!!!
^^^^Smileyface1314 ~ Not as funny, even I knew that! But at least it was good, yay!!! (Trying my best to be optimistic here . . .) That song wasn't sucky at all, it was pretty good actually. I wish I had cookies . . . I kind of ran out after I gobbled them all!!! Wah! Oh well . . . I hope the crumbs didn't go between the cracks, its so hard to get them out!!! Lol!!!!!!!!! Thanks so much for reviewing 'Just a thought' too!! You are so nice!!!
^^^^Some12 ~ Well the experiments will start when . . . you carry on reading!!! Teehee!!! Oh and thanks for telling me what a guidance con colour is, where do you get those people? I don't think we've ever had them people in my school, oh well, I'm young and I'm hopeless!!! Lol thanks for reviewing again!!! Hugz!!! Sorry about the wait for this thing by the way!!!!! Teehee . . .
^^^^Loah ~ Aw, thanks! I'm trying my hardest, so you can imagine how happy I am to find that my efforts have not been wasted!!! Lol, thanks so much for the review, it was very nice!!!!
CHAPTER FOUR: Milk and orange juice.
DISCLAIMER: Howdy again peoplez!!!!!!!!! I own nothing that might interest anyone, even those who are interested in mostly everything!!!!!!! I am merely a girl who loves to type and make up ridiculous things, and hopes that people enjoy her weird and ecstatic personality, that is all!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Hermione stirred, she could feel someone poke her softly on the arm, but she thought nothing of it. She turned and groaned as she felt a bright light come to her eyes. She squinted her eyes open slightly, and screamed at the site of Draco peering at her, only inches away from her face. He burst out laughing at her expression.
"It is not funny!!!!! Malfoy, you could have scared the life out of me!!!!!!!"
"If only it were that simple mudblood, then I'd do it more."
Hermione scowled at him. He was already fully dressed and in his robes, his hair gelled back as usual. She wondered how big a pot of gel he actually had and what his hair looked like when he hadn't gelled it back. 'Have to wake up extra early to see him in bed!' She gasped as she looked at her digital bedside clock.
"MALFOY!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME EARLIER!!!!!!!!! YOU STUPID BLONDE FERRET!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Draco sat on his bed and shrugged. He got out a book (entitled 'Evil goblins and where to find them') and sat patiently reading until half an hour later, Hermione bustled out with a towel wrapped around her body, and a towel wrapped around her sopping wet hair. She picked up her clothes and with a wave of her wand she was dressed. Hermione stood and wondered whether Draco had noticed she'd finished, she didn't need to wonder long, for he soon finished his paragraph, bookmarked it, and yawned at Hermione, who scowled back.
"Glad you've finished Granger, took you long enough," He paused and looked her up and down, "The shower didn't do you much good then did it??" He strode over to the door and pulled it open, Hermione followed, scowling at the back of his head before Harry and Ron greeted her. They had been waiting outside talking; Padma and Lisa had been talking to each other as well.
"So how was it Hermione?" Harry whispered, making sure that the two Ravenclaw girls behind him couldn't hear, and that Draco definitely couldn't hear him.
"Awful, he was trying to act all cool about it too, which just got me so annoyed." She replied with a sigh.
"We really sympathise for you, you do know that don't you?? Me and Lisa are doing great, but she's kind of, clingy after a while, a bit like Colin Creevey really."
Hermione grinned at Ron's put off expression, and carried on down the corridor. She shivered at the thought of another Colin. Ugh . . . one was enough thanks.
She looked in front of her and saw Draco walking at a very quick pace. She wondered why none of the Slytherins had stopped to say good morning to Draco. She would have thought that he, being so popular and all would at least have five people saying good morning to him, but as they reached the portrait hole, she realised that there were none.
'Probably cus' we're all late.' Hermione thought, and she cast the thoughts aside and put her attention to a note pinned next to the portrait hole - on the wall. It read:
'Hello all students who are reading this,
It does not matter at all if you are late; we have all the time we need!!! Now, we hope you have had a good night's sleep; this Monday morning will be a very hectic one!!! Over the night, when you were all snoozing, we recruited many more witches and wizards from the witch-doctor Edwina Sally, and many more products from famous brands to test, for example, Bertie Botts!!!!!!!! Please come to the spare classroom near the muggle studies area - the one numbered 13 - we shall be casting our experiments there for the next few weeks, please arrive there everyday at 9:00 at the latest. Thank you for your time!!!!!!!!!!!
Yours truly,
Dr. Emilia Granger and Assistant Serena Barnes.'
Hermione, Harry and Ron led the way; actually, Hermione was the only one that knew where the muggle studies area was, so she led the way. Lisa Turpin (Ron's partner) and Padma Patil (Harry's partner) walked behind them, and Draco dragged behind. Hermione felt a tad bit sorry for Draco. All his friends (or cronies, whichever) were already at the room, and, even if they weren't, they were all probably too scared of him to start a conversation with him anyway.
"So, what was your room like?" Ron asked curiously, trying to hide the fact that his stomach was growling.
"It was WONDERFUL. I mean, that big chandelier, that giant window, those curtains, the beds, everything was just . . . SPECTACULAR."
"Yeah, so was ours, I guess all the rooms are pretty much the same huh?" Harry said, looking behind him to check that the girls were still following.
"It's a shame Ginny can't be here cus' she's in the year below and all. I'm sure she'd love the excitement, and having to miss most of her lessons of course!!!"
Harry and Hermione laughed slightly and nodded. Ginny would have loved to be experimented on, after all, she loved it when Fred and George experimented some pranks on her, and missing all her lessons?? That would be HEAVEN - even if it were exciting lessons at Hogwarts, they were still LESSONS.
"So Hermione, what was it like sleeping in the same room as a Malfoy?" Harry asked.
"It was alright - surprisingly enough. We just ignored each other, although he did scare the life out of me this morning. I mean, he was just THERE, and I guess that's what scared me."
She had added that last bit on because Ron (and Harry, but particularly Ron) was starting to clench his fists up - ready for a fight, and she didn't want her friends to punch anyone just because they HADN'T done anything. That would be stupid. She glanced behind her and saw Draco was scowling at the floor. 'Hermione, you are getting too soft.' She thought - she even felt sorry for Malfoy for god's sake.
"Look you guys, I know we hate Malfoy and everything, but he's kind of dragging behind, so . . ."
Hermione didn't have to say anymore before the boys interrupted her.
"NO WAY."
It was kind of creepy how both of them had said this at exactly the same time, with the same kind of 'don't even try to persuade us' expression on their faces. Strange, creepy . . . yet effective.
"Hermione, have you gone completely mad??? Malfoy - talking to us??? For god's sake, he'll end up with a bloody nose from me and Harry!!!!"
"Yes, but -
"Hermione, Ron's right. We know you feel sorry for him and all, but he's just not that sort of person that would TRY to act friendly, it's best if you don't get too close to him."
And that was the end of their conversation, for they had reached the classroom door labelled in big black bold numbers 13. The six entered and were greeted with laughter, snorts and excited whispers of what this day may contain.
The classroom had obviously been charmed to fit more people into it than it looked like it could, much like Mr Weasley's Ford Anglia was. There were about 10 rows of tables, all half the size of the normal house tables in the Great Hall. The room had red, blue, bronze and green banners that read 'WELCOME! EAT ALL YOU WANT!!' and the stone walls seemed to have some kind of shiny paint on them as they glittered from the sunlight that shined through the small windows at the far end of the room. Hermione wondered for a second why the Slytherins weren't all bunched together on the farthest table from the door, then she then realised why.
Instead of benches like in the Great Hall, there were chairs with somebody's name written on the back in whatever house colour they were in. And it was obvious, that you HAD to sit next to your partner.
"THEY HAVE BACON!!!!!"
Ron shouted before scanning the tables rapidly to try and find his seat so that he could start to eat. He took Lisa's hand and soon dragged her over to their seats by a window. Harry sighed and shook his head as he watched Ron gobble down as much food as he could manage in one go. He and Padma soon found their seats and went to sit down and eat with a wave goodbye to Hermione. Hermione and Draco soon followed - although their seats were right at the back, next to an open window. Hermione gladly ate the food that appeared on her plate the moment she sat down. She noticed Draco was just . . . well . . . sitting there, not eating and not doing ANYTHING.
"Malfoy, why aren't you eating? This food is better than the food in the Great Hall."
Draco turned and raised an eyebrow at Hermione - she was chewing a mouthful of scrambled eggs.
"I've lost my appetite just looking at you mudblood."
Hermione swallowed her food and scowled at Draco, who just stared at his empty plate. 'I was only trying to be nice, sheesh, grumpy fart.' She continued to eat and nearly spat out her orange juice when a sudden noise frightened the life out of her.
"What was that?"
She turned to Draco, who was staring at his stomach, his face slightly red at the embarrassment - Hermione resisted the urge to laugh at his face. Oh the poor boy.
"Look Malfoy,"
Hermione grabbed the orange juice carton nearest to her and poured some into Draco's glass. Draco stared at it, a look of disgust on his face. Hermione sighed - just typical of Draco to think it was disgusting, he thought everything that wasn't purely 'wizard' was disgusting.
"What's wrong Malfoy? You need to drink SOMETHING. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day you know."
"Why has it got those THINGS floating around in it?"
"That's cus' it's PURE orange juice, Malfoy. Those BITS floating in it are parts of the oranges that were used to make this carton of orange juice."
Hermione rolled her eyes as Draco continued to stare at the cup of orange juice like it was poisoned or something. Probably thought she had spiked it or something. But before she could say anything, Draco started to speak.
"Muggles. What crazy idea will they think of next? Maybe some apple juice that has apples in it? Beetle juice that has real beet -
He couldn't say anymore, as Hermione had found what she was looking for in the first place - a BIG piece of toast. She had gotten it and stuffed it into Draco's open mouth; he was now choking on it while Hermione was sipping some of her milk. When he finally swallowed it, the look on his face looked venomous and most of the students that remained in the room had turned to stare at the couple, one sitting calmly sipping milk, and the other choking on an enormous piece of toast.
"GRANGER."
Draco stared at Hermione - staring daggers into her. The whole room waited for her to reply as she swallowed more milk. Draco seethed with anger as she began to pour MORE milk into her cup and begin to sip annoyingly once again.
"GRANGER?????????????????????"
Hermione turned to face the red-faced Draco, well, unusually red-faced Draco. She calmly drank more of her milk. "Calm down now Malfoy. Want some milk?" She held her cup in front of her so that it irritated him even more. Draco clenched his teeth and his hands automatically went up to where Hermione's neck (about where Hermione's neck was but not quite).
"Ahem."
Draco turned to see an elderly man who had no hair and was short and stubby standing holding a clipboard in his scabby hands. He looked part goblin - like the ugly ones in Gringotts. Draco shot him a venomous glare for interrupting his attempt to strangle Hermione - he had gotten so close! A bit more and . . . The old goblin-man cowered back at his glare.
"We, er, just need to know, er, what you ate, for the experiment . . . sir, mister."
Draco glared more. The whole hall had seen him choke on a piece of toast of course, and yet this old man HAD to interrupt with 'what did you eat?' this was an OUTRAGE. If he wasn't busy with this experiment thing, he would have rushed to the owlery by now and complained to his father.
"We know you ATE a piece of toast of course!!" Harry shouted from his seat. Draco glanced a glare at him. 'Real funny Potter - NOT.'
"What about you miss?" The goblin-man turned to Hermione, who had finished her second cup (and the cup was rather big) of milk. 'What was so good about that milk?' Draco thought, it was, after all, just ordinary cow's milk, not anything special, you could get it in any good supermarket.
"Oh, she just drank a whole lot of MILK, I always thought she was a co -
"I ate eggs of course, scrambled."
Hermione interrupted before Draco could finish. She glared at him and got one of his glares in return. She rolled her eyes and turned back to the goblin-man who stood close to her - trying to stay away from the all powerful Draco Malfoy.
"Very well. Please enter through that door please." And with that (and a nod), the goblin-man scurried off to ask somebody else what he or she had eaten.
Draco and Hermione turned to look at what door the goblin-man had been talking about. This door seemed strange, blue auras seem to surround it and it seemed like it had a magical force around it. Hermione wondered where it might lead. After all, it wasn't everyday that you went through a mysterious magical door that she wasn't sure led anywhere in particular.
Draco stood and was about to go through a creepy wooden door when he realised Hermione was still staring at the door, drinking more milk. He grunted angrily, he couldn't control his temper anymore, and to top it all off, everyone was being VERY nosey today.
"FOR GOD'S SAKE GRANGER, YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH MILK ALREADY. IF YOU WANT TO TURN INTO A COW, I'LL GLADLY CHANGE YOU INTO ONE OR WOULD YOU PREFER TO BE A PIG?"
Draco grabbed Hermione's arm making her drop her glass cup filled with milk. It crashed to the ground and shattered into pieces, the milk staining the marble ground.
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Okay people, I was going to stop here, but then I thought, no, that chapter was too short and none funny!!! And the torture STILL hasn't begun!! So guess what? I am giving you another chapter!!! So, here is chapter five!!! ENJOY!!!! ~
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CRAZY LUNATIC EXPERIMENTS
I remind you - NO SPOILERS HERE.
CHAPTER FIVE: Warm ups and the slime experiment.
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Hermione and Draco entered the room through the creepy wooden door. Inside, the room was split into four different sections, to their right was a bright yellow carpet with the Hufflepuff banner hanging from the ceiling. To their left was a deep blue carpet with the Ravenclaw banner, the farthest left was a scarlet carpet, with the Gryffindor banner, and of course the Slytherin banner was the farthest right, with an emerald carpet.
"Hermione dear!!!!!"
"Oh no . . ."
Hermione groaned as Dr. Granger rushed up to her, carrying her clipboard. Hermione smiled awkwardly, after all, you would too if you thought your aunt was trying to secretly murder you with these experiments.
"Did you sleep well honey?"
"Yeah, the bed was very comfy."
"Good, good, you Mr Malfoy?"
"Fine."
"Okay . . . you two can go next, I can see you're getting bored already! I can promise you it will be better!!!! Now please do come with me."
Dr. Granger led them both towards another door, this time, it was blue and looked like it was made of water. Fishes were swimming happily across it while they walked straight through it. Hermione was shocked once she entered the other side of the water door (dry of course). They were in Hogsmeade for some strange reason. How on earth did they get here? She looked behind her but saw only a brick wall and a dustbin.
They walked out into the sunlight; Dr. Granger led them to a strange café where the whole place was filled with more people in white coats than Hermione had ever seen. Everywhere she looked, Hermione could see partners with two people in white coats sitting at tables and drinking coffee, and some was just coming in through the door, looking flustered and excited.
"Now, Hermione honey, Mr Malfoy, I am supposed to assign you to two assistants, but seeing as my sugarplum of a niece is here, I might as well be one of them and Serena can be the other, oh look, there she is."
And indeed, Hermione could see Serena wobbling with a tray of dirty dishes, still wearing her stilettos, although now her robes had changed to a sickly yellow with a orange stripe down the back. Her hair was still as greasy as ever and still purple.
"Oh Serena dear!!!"
Serena turned and smiled, pulled out her wand and the tray of dirty dishes disappeared. Hermione wondered why she didn't do that in the first place. Serena rushed over, stood and saluted like Dr. Granger was a military officer or something. Dr. Granger explained that they were going to be their new assistants to Serena while Hermione stood and waited. Draco, however was a bit too distracted by the Quidditch store opposite the café.
"Okay now darling, lets go!"
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"So . . . say that again."
"Look Granger, what you do is grab my arm and DON'T LET GO. My job is to try and MAKE you let go no matter what. THEY'RE going to time how long it takes in order to see how fast our brains can work."
"And this isn't the real experiment is it?"
"GRANGER!!!!!!!! Weren't you listening at all???? This is a warm up to warm up our brains, then we have the REAL experiments. YOUR aunt said that the warm ups are for her own research and she only has them cus' she has too many things to test in a certain time, ya get?????? IS THAT BRAIN OF YOURS WORKING OR NOT?????"
Hermione nodded, "Sheesh Malfoy, keep your junky hair on."
"And what exactly do you mean by junky?"
"All that junk you put in it, plus your hair doesn't move, it's like a wig."
"IT IS NOT A WIG. And the junk is gel, I know you wouldn't know though, your hair is as bushy as ever, and not perfect like mine."
"HA, perfect my arse. How do I know it's not a wig? You slept later than me yesterday, so you could have taken it off!!!! Now that I look at it . . ."
"GRANGER, YOU STUPID FILTHY DISGRACEFUL -
"MALFOY, YOU STINKY OLD -
"Old?"
"Well if you're wearing a wig then obviously you MUST be getting old Malfoy. When's your next birthday? I bet you're 156 now aren't you? I KNEW IT!"
"Granger, if I'm 156 then you must be older than Dumbledore and that's saying something. Look at those wrinkles!!!"
"What wrinkles? I don't have any wrinkles!!!!"
"You do if I'm wearing a wig."
"You old git, I think it must be the denial of aging that's making you grumpy."
"Scum."
"Fat."
"Oh not this again!!!! I AM NOT FAT."
"Oh yeah, course you're not fat!!! Coughfatcough."
"Mudblood, you don't want to get me angry . . ."
"What you going to do to me? -
"Okay now darlings," Dr. Granger interrupted with a slight smile on her lips. She had been watching the argument going on and had added some notes about them to their report sheet. They were a very odd couple, the sorting hat had said they were the most compatible, but yet they just argued all the time, she'd have to record their progress, not only in the experiments, but also in their relationship. "Let's begin, over there in the middle of the street, where everyone can see you now."
Hermione and Draco walked out into the middle of the street and Hermione reluctantly held his arm as strongly as she could (in case he used physical tactics).
"And . . . go!!!"
"So, Granger, are you going to let go of my hand easily, or will I have to force you?"
"The whole point of this thing is to try and force me - duh!!!!"
"Don't you duh me!!!"
"Look, all this arguing is only adding to your time!"
Hermione looked into Draco's eyes. She could see herself in them, and she knew that those eyes were mostly what the girls went for, you could get lost in those dreamy eyes . . . it was like hypnotism, but Hermione knew better than to lose her self control to the power of his eyes. Draco smirked the famous smirk and let out a slight laugh.
"You're falling for it!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE FALLING FOR IT!!!!! HA!!!!!!"
"Falling for what?"
"The eye trick," Draco looked into Hermione's eyes again. He was smirking, and Hermione didn't really know why, she wasn't sure she wanted to know, "You see the eye trick works like this . . ."
Hermione could feel his breath on her cheeks. She didn't like being in that position and what exactly did he mean, it works like . . . wait, he was leaning closer and closer . . . that could only mean he was about to kiss her. 'EEEEEK!!!!!!!!' She immediately let go of his arm just as he was going to lean in for the kill.
"Well done Mr Malfoy!!! About 1 minute Serena."
Serena looked at the stopwatch Dr. Granger was holding up to her and scribbled down the time. Dr. Granger turned to Hermione and smiled.
"Your turn now Hermione, you'll have to beat that tactic. And . . . go!"
Hermione felt Draco's fingernails dig into her. His grip was firm, and she had no idea how to wipe that smirk off his face and make him let go of her arm. 'Come on brain . . .' She looked around Hogsmeade for some inspiration. The street was starting to get a little crowded now, old grannies coming out to buy their early shopping, mums and their babies trying to get some breakfast, shopkeepers opening their shops and just casual shoppers looking for things to buy.
Suddenly, inspiration hit her. She turned to Draco and tried to think of sad things to make her cry. "Please let go of me Mister!!!" She said loudly, attracting some attention from a few women window-shopping.
Draco frowned, "What?"
"Please!!!!!!!!!" The tears were flowing now, she was attracting even more attention from a baby and his mother, but Draco's grip was still firm, even if he had loosened it slightly.
"Granger, what are you on about?" He hissed as to not get more attention than they already had.
"Please . . . somebody HELP ME!!!!!!!!!! RAPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Draco's eyes grew wider - how dare she . . . now everyone was watching them. A mother shaking the baby bottle furiously while, an old lady had started to edge up to them with a wand.
"Let go of her!!!" A man shouted out of a window, he had a wand in his hand and was pointing it furiously at him. Draco scowled, and just as the man was about to hit him with a spell, he reluctantly let go of Hermione's arm, deciding that she wasn't worth being cursed of his feet by a stranger.
"Thank you everybody!!!!" Hermione sniffed and wiped her tears away while Draco stood, obviously annoyed. All the people who had been watching returned to what they were doing before, now knowing that she was going to be alright.
"Very good Hermione!!!! Only a few seconds!!!!"
"Yeah!! And might I say, great tactic!!!"
Serena winked and scribbled Hermione's time and tactic. Hermione smiled in satisfaction as Draco glared like there was no tomorrow - that stupid mudblood, he would show her - after all, there were lots of warm ups to come . . .
"Okay now, onto the REAL experiments!!!! We need to go to the Leaky Cauldron to meet up with everybody, let's go before we're late now darling!!!!!"
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"Shut up Malfoy."
"What, I haven't been saying anything!!!!"
"Oh no, you haven't been saying anything apart from stuff like 'Ohhh look at that butt', and 'she HAS got those curves now.' Then trying to look down that poor waitress girl's top!!!! You've been drooling all over my new robes too!!!! The cheek of it."
"Granger, I'm a normal teenage boy!!! If I wasn't drooling all over a hot chick, then you'd assume I was gay, plus you should be proud to have someone of my importance drool on you."
"Yeah, whatever you say Malfoy, wait till I tell everybody you're gay and you only pretend to drool over girls to prove to people that you're not gay."
"I AM NOT GAY."
"I see denial's treating you rather badly eh ferret boy? First the fatness, now the gay . . . really, you have nothing to be ashamed of!!! Fat people are the bestest mates - I have a ton of them!!!! Gay people are so fun to be around too . . ."
"Well Granger I guess you couldn't possibly be lesbian or gay then huh? Seeing as you're just one big pain in the ar -
"Tut, tut Malfoy. Language now, you know the rules."
"Oh SHUT UP."
"If you won't then why do I?"
"Because you are lower than me, less pretty than me -
"Pretty now are we? I never knew you could use such a girlish word!!!! All the more to prove to me you are only in denial."
"If I'm gay YOU are a mega slut who has kissed at least 20 guys."
"How do you know I haven't kissed AT LEAST 20 guys?"
"UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST . . . .SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!"
"YOU SHUT UP FIRST!!!!!!!"
"NO!!!!!!!!"
"WELL NEITHER WILL I!!!!!!!!"
"FINE THEN!"
Hermione and Draco both crossed their arms and pouted - facing their backs towards each other. They were both pouting as the whole of the Three Broomsticks fell silent - they had all been listening in to their argument instead of making a conversation of their own. Dr. Granger resisted the urge to laugh at the pair - her niece could be so childish when she wanted to be, it was unbelievable. Sooner or later, they would end up killing each other if they didn't try to get along.
"Okay now everybody, settle down!!!! You should all be seated at a table with your partners now; each table should have a number written on it!!!! When I call out your number, one of you come up and get a large cup of this new drink here!!!"
Serena indicated to the massive table loaded with large bottle of something green . . . lets just say it didn't look all that nice to drink. Hermione gulped, she didn't fancy drinking all that down . . . but Malfoy was sure to force her, wasn't it obvious?
"42!!!!"
"Granger, our table, you go."
"No, you go!!! Why do I have to go?"
"Because you're a girl, now go."
"What has being a girl got to do with this? If anything, YOU should go to be more gentlemen like."
"I thought it didn't matter what gender you were?"
"Fine, I'll go Malfoy."
"No, you're too weak to go and carry that BIG bottle of slime, I'll get it instead."
"No!!! I'm getting it and that's final!!"
"Shut up, I'M getting it now sit down and let the MAN go and get it!!!"
"What man? I don't see any man!!!! Let me get it!!!!"
"No, you disgrace for a mudblood!!!"
"No, you disgrace for a pureblood!!!"
"Why you -
"Ahem." Dr. Granger interrupted with a slight smile on her lips. For the first time, Hermione realised that Dumbledore was sitting amongst the white coated people, but all in blue, purple, green, red, yellow and an assortment of other colours that I can't be bothered to name.
"Now Hermione honey, could you go and get the bottle please?"
Hermione obeyed and did as her Aunt wished. Soon after, all the bottles had found their homes on a table in front of each pair of students, who were all staring at disgust at the vile thing. Serena stood and began to explain what was to happen.
"Now, this is a new alcoholic drink that the Leaky Cauldron has just invented, but they have added many new ingredients and shall add some food colouring to make it a little more . . . attractive. But, there is no point making it attractive if this drink has side effects!!! So, your jobs are to drink it, but only one person in each pair has to - this decision cannot be made by yourselves as some (Serena turned to Hermione and Draco, as did everyone else) individuals are incapable of doing so without starting a big row like an old couple. Therefore, the person who has had the lowest time in the warm up shall drink the new drink!!! And I'm sure you all know who had what times!!!"
And with that, a loud bang was heard to signal the beginning of the drinking. Turning to Draco, she couldn't help but laugh at him. He was just sitting there - terrified of even holding the cup, let alone drink the whole thing!!! Hermione could see from a glance that Pansy Parkinson had had to drink the vile alcohol, Ron had had to drink it out of his pair, but Harry had gotten off free with Padma gulping the drink down like water.
"Oh come on Malfoy!!! Don't be a wimp!!!!"
"Wimp am I? Would a wimp do this?"
And with his ego injured, Draco made a grab for the bottle, took it and gulped the whole thing down in one go. As he placed the empty bottle back onto the table, Hermione frowned at him.
"Who's the wimp now eh?" Draco's voice was slurred and it sounded like he was drunk already. He had drool dripping down his face and his ears were very red. Sweat was making him smell quite awful too, not to mention his breath.
Inside Draco's head, everything was spinning, it was like he had drunk at least fifty bottles of fire-whisky and he couldn't see properly. He shook his head and could only hear Hermione calling out to him in her bossy, worried type voice.
"Malfoy? Hello? Would you speak to me?"
"Graijdjoabcdbklsahoreoofhjksklab . . . . Ugh."
With those final Gobbledee gook words, Draco collapsed, straight onto Hermione, making her collapse as well. She scrambled up as quickly as she could, holding Draco in her arms so that he wouldn't fall on top of her again. She could see that Pansy was perfectly fine, still annoying the hell out of Blaise, and Padma seemed very happy too. She was just about to look over at some more couples when an elderly woman strode towards her.
"Miss Granger? How did Mr Malfoy do?"
"Er, slurred talking straight after drinking, and he's fainted, as you can see."
"Lovely dear. Thank you and I hope you have a lovely day." And with those final words, the old woman ran off towards the crowd of white-coated people. Hermione looked down towards Draco, who was still lying on her and leaning against her like she was a cushion or something - this irritated her and made her want to slap him and even worse, mess up his hair.
"May I have your attention please?" Dr. Granger spoke loudly into the microphone (A/N: If you think there are none because of this magical field thing and no technology working thing, then bare with me here - pretend that time has passed and new wizards have found a way for it to work!! So I'm not asking you to pretend it wasn't ever there).
"I can now announce the results of the first experiment!!!!!! And for all those who thought we were poisoning you with these new drinks, think of it as a dangerous adventure that may lead to side effects!!!! And it only took about half an hour for all the experiments, warm ups and waiting!!!! So isn't it worth it to miss lessons for half an hour of work??? Anyway, the results we have found to be fairly interesting, the new drink only has side effects for the male specimen, as you can see if you look around - I mean, Mr Malfoy over there is using my poor niece as a leaning post!!!"
Everyone turned to look at Hermione and Draco as she covered her face with her hands. Oh the embarrassment!!!! She could hear people sniggering from afar even with her eyes closed - it didn't help that Draco chose that precise moment to slobber all over her and 'snuggle' into her chest like a pillow.
"Mummy can I have a cookie please?" Draco mumbled and Hermione could hear Harry laughing harder than anyone - and he was supposed to be her friend!!! Why didn't he sympathise with her?
"Oooo what a pretty pumpkin!!" Ron mumbled as he drooled all over Lisa Turpin's and this time, Hermione couldn't resist the slight giggle.
"ANYWAY, attention!!! As I was saying, the side effects are ONLY for the male specimen, the females have no problems whatsoever, and they feel even happier and more energetic than ever before. We are guessing the cause of the side effects is that one of the secret ingredients in this drink, that we have promised not to reveal, only attacks the specific cell that is in the males and not the females. Now, to remind the barmaid and the barmen of this discovery, we have decided to name this drink - that shall be dyed purple and shaken to give it a slight more fizz - Fe'minin paradis!!!" (AN: to all those people who don't know French, that means feminine paradise. I hope I've spelt it right, I've got a French dictionary with me right now ^.~)
"Now, you all have the rest of the day off!!!" Serena exclaimed just as Dr. Granger sat and started to scribble things down on her notepad. "You may do what you please, and of course, talk to your friends, but I am afraid that YOU MUST stick by your partner!!!! Most of you have partners that you don't know very well, so, in order to know them better, it would be best to stay with them, but that doesn't mean you can't converse with other pairs while with your partner. This goes for all experiments, understood? Okay, of course those who have fainted partners must take them back to Hogwarts - the password is Lionheart!!! Have a nice day!!!"
All the students started to rise as they made for the doorway. Hermione, however, couldn't even get up due to the fact that Draco was too heavy for her to carry, and she couldn't just leave him there.
"Get your hands off him mudblood, you're not his type!!!" Pansy Parkinson strolled past, her arms linked with Blaise (who didn't look too happy about it). Hermione felt sorry for the poor boy.
"Oh just get lost Parkinson, Hermione, we'll help you out." Harry and Padma smiled as they shooed Pansy and Blaise away, Harry slung Draco's arm over his shoulder while Hermione slung the other one over her shoulder.
"Aren't you two helping Ron?"
"No, Neville and Susan got him!!" Padma grinned - the thought of Neville trying to help someone seemed as successful as him not messing up in potions.
"Padma, you could help us open the doors!!!" Hermione mumbled as she struggled to shift Draco. Even if Draco wasn't muscular and she had Harry's help, he was still BIG.
"No, Hermione!!! Padma, don't open the doors just lead the way? Malfoy's head can open the doors for us!!!!! It's the least he can do for making us carry him!!!"
So, that decision was made, and of course, they did eventually reach Hermione and Draco's room. When Draco eventually woke at around the time of dinner, he found that he had a horrible headache, and of course our Hermione isn't dumb enough to admit any accusations . . .
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So . . . here it is!!! You know what to do, well you should by now, and just for the record, I know rape is a very serious matter and I shouldn't joke about it, I have nothing against fat people or gay people - I love them, so don't accuse me of anything and don't sue me for using those things!!!
~Ran out of stupid things to sign off with,
~Girl-who-can't-be-bothered-to-type-her-name-even-though-it's-shorter-than- this.
PS. This is seventeen pages long on word, a record for me!!! I hope you all liked it and appreciate me giving you another chapter!!! PLEASE DO REVIEW SEEING AS I AM SO NICE!!! TEEHEE!!!!!!
PPS. Go to bbc.com/bigread/vote and please vote for JK'S book Harry Potter and the Goblet of fire!! It is only 6th right now, and LORD OF THE RINGS (ah!) is FIRST!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, please, I have a thing against Lord of the Rings, please don't let it be first!!!!!!!!